Getting Back Together With Your BPD Ex

This one seems to come up a lot. People who've recently been left by a partner with BPD keep asking me how they get them back. I don't know how you do that, and I also don't understand why you want them back. I know cluster B relationships can be hard, but sometimes we punish ourselves to make them even harder.
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Hi everybody, I'm Rich, and welcome to my channel!
I've spent my adult life living with Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, and Narcissistic Personality Disorder, NPD. I was finally diagnosed in 2019 and have spent the last three years working through therapy, which has recently come to an end.
In my videos I share my experiences living with these conditions, and the things I've learned about how to deal with them. I've come a long way in healing, but I'm nowhere near the end of my journey.
I'm definitely not any form of medical professional, and my videos should absolutely not be used in place of actual therapy or other real help. I'm just a guy with a camera and microphone, who loves the sound of his own voice.

[@mmoran0614]

:/ Very simple. A relationship with someone with BPD leaves you -ADDICTED- to all the things a BPD person gives you in excess and you won't find in a "normal" relationship. If we were talking about a "normal relationship" with someone with no BPD, it would be irrational to try to get back together with them.

[@caitlinring5778]

If nothing else, it points to a really unhealthy low sense of self esteem.

[@MrFingerz14]

It’s codependency and or the trauma bond are why they want to go back.

[@disdroid]

not necessarily - my trauma bond only affected me for a short while, and after that I wasn't bothered either way about being in a relationship, because if you really love someone you want to make their life better and not want anything in return. she had healed me physically, which is why I recovered so quickly, and my gratitude for this outweighed my romantic ideals. people go back for all sorts of reasons, not just psychological dependency.

[@teresaowens3300]

My husband has BPD gave me 10 years of a happy marriage and people like you hurt people. Grow up!

[@NMTDelightfulMusic]

Answer for Early Morning. They stimulate the part of the brain part of where there is a connection between mommy and a baby/todller. These are irresistible feelings of safety, warmth, content something like nirvana. It is a feeling what baby feels when next to mom. It is mother nature that makes sure to have instinct to attach baby to caregiver. It is survival. Cluster B has that ability to provoke that feelings and it is longing for a "home". Probably drug users feel the same - an enormuos feel of happines, exilaration etc. Brain secret a grat amount of "feeling good" chemicals... It is on a biological level that we are wired. Same as mother mom carry kitten by its neck. It is instinct that kitten become inmobile, so mom cat can carry it to safety. You can not fight deepest wiring of the brain, that help baby survive in the world. This is stronger instinct than to have food etc. That's why the bond is so strong and almost imposible to break. I can still feel that opiat level feeling for my BPD ex and I can suscubb if I wish. But my prefrontal cortex is strong, thanks God, and I understand he is not my parent - it is fake. Unfortunalety I grow up without father so I have emptines that he filled easily. It was 30 years ago but I can still feel a hint of happines and exilaration if I would let myself to be with him. Of course he is depressed and empty as f... Unhappy etc. We are not in contact but he did not get better in life. It is like, I know where the paradise is, but I know I am never alowed to go there. I have to stay in this harish world and that's it. ( it is called reality) Don't worry for me, I am happily married but the thought of paradise/passion is very irresistible. I hope you understand this more!

[@julilamb2010]

The trauma bond is formed not by instinct of past caregiver, but by a chemical discrepancy in the brain. The rapid fluctuation between high and low emotions caused by the person with BPD or NPD. They are both the cause of the low emotional state but normally the sooth for it too so you crave that high again. And yes attachmemt theory plays a part in why someone would continue to choose people that are emotionally unavailable or have avoidant personalities. Cognitive dissonance is where your brain holds opposite polarities of a person place or thing. When this is activated enough times it forms the trauma bond which has to do with a decreased fluctuation of oxytocin and dopamine levels. Same reason a drug addict gets addicted, the euphoric high, then when they are in that low coming down they sooth it with using and the rapid change between high and low activate oxytocin and dopamine levels. Any one has the ability to cause this to happen not just cluster B. Cluster B most of the time unknowingly cause it to happen.

[@lornaelizabeth6290]

This is very valuable advice ❤️ thank you x

[@JPM_1104]

My ex had BPD, she started splitting around 5 months in, by month 6 it became so frequent, the attacks would get deep and personal, she’d bring up my vulnerabilities that I told her about and use them against me to get a reaction. Then when I would finally snap, yell back, etc. I’d leave and be done with her, only to want her back and be the one apologizing the next day. It never stopped it got more and more frequent until she took things to hitting me, I left and she called 10x the next day realizing how bad she messed up… then I said please don’t contact me. She cut me off so fast after that, weird experience. Rollercoaster… I became so trauma bonded. But I saw the signs and ignored them because i kept thinking the idealization and mirroring would re-appear (it would last a week at most). It was insane she could snap in 5 minutes over things a normal person wouldn’t even raise their voice over. Wouldn’t do it in public, would wait until we were alone, not even in front of her roommate.

[@julilamb2010]

I specialize in the Cluster B personalities and specifically NPD and BPD more than the others. But I mainly specialize in Narcissistic Abuse Recovery. The actual reason these people THINK they want their ex back is a mixture between codependency and something called TRAUMA BOND. Which is the direct result of COGNITIVE DISSONANCE taking place. Cognitive Dissonance happens when the person with BPD or NPD causes their partners emotions to fluctuate pretty frequently between the highs and low emotions. The constant devalue or fighting then also being the one to sooth that pain they just caused. So when they break up the person is in that very low emotional state and they begin to crave the source of not only the pain, but their normal source if soothing that pain. It is equivalent to a drug addict craving their next fix. And this would be called the trauma bond. That is why they say it is crucial to go no contact after dating someone with NPD. Because just like with a drug, the longer you go without the less you crave that drug. Hope I was able to give you some insight on why this occurs. Also I would like to add that being in a long term extremely emotional abusive relationship with someone with NPD can actually cause the other person to aquire something almost identical to BPD. It's called C-PTSD and it is very often diagnosed as BPD. 40% of people with C-PTSD actually also have it co-occuring with BPD. C-PTSD is a fairly new diagnoses specifically caused by long term emotional or psychological abuse.

[@LouiseO78]

Thank you for your explanation because it really resonated with me, especially the part about the person who abuses you, becomes the person that soothes you. I always felt really high when he came back into my life but it never lasted and the devalue left me depressed, worthless, anxious and struggling to function in my day to day life. The door is finally shut though now and I must heal myself and ensure I never find myself in such a harmful relationship again.

[@disdroid]

I changed my mind twice and went back after the trauma bond had worn off because I came up with a specific plan to aid my wifes recovery that couldnt fail, and was worth a try either way. it worked and she got back into therapy (DBT) then one day came home a whole person!

[@katrinaparker1951]

Thank you this has been my hardest relationship I ever had. Never in a million years thought I would get trauma bonded. I spent months wanting her back. However I no longer do. I instantly blocked her because I know if I would not I would be able to be hovered right back in. I’m proud of myself for realizing that. In the midst of my healing I had a supervisor with it that I do enjoy to talk to and learn from. However I’m keeping at an arms length.

[@julilamb2010]

@@LouiseO78 when it starts to effect areas of your day to day life it means you most likely have Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) The best thing you can do to prevent yourself from getting into another relationship like this is to educate yourself on not only narcissistic abuse and what exactly that looks like, but also educate yourself on narcissism alone. Like what actually makes someone a narcissist and how you can spot the characteristics and traits they exhibit when they still have that mask on to present to the outside world.

[@Rebelconformist82]

​what was the plan?

[@Jim93905]

Maybe because, in my mind, I have crated a her that does not exist in reality? The mind is a powerful thing...

[@sofp]

Secret answer : people want to replay the breakup because usually it end suddenly and it waste all the relationship, it's not love

[@SteveyG38]

Trauma bonding

[@zomgeek2236]

me and my bpd ex reconnected a few months ago. we stopped talking a month ago due to long distance i cant see him bc of my family and now hes talking to his ex that he told me to block. im conflicted between confronting him or ignoring it. im tired

[@zomgeek2236]

i wanted him because he showed remorse and i thought he was genuinely regretful of leaving me so i forgave him. i think of the good times we had because i desperately want to go back. i want to go back to being loved and happy. even though i now know its not worth hurting myself over and over and over. im exhausted

[@zomgeek2236]

he was like a little child and all i could picture was a child who was hurt so they lash out at people they love. he said he left me because it was "too good"

[@toriraccoon487]

BPD doesn't have a "cure" which means his behavior won't change just because you're gonna confront him. He probably split her white but knows that he can get in trouble if you find out. Therefore, he can't stay away from her because she's now "good/the best" again and by confronting him he might split you Black or split on himself if he realizes that he can't hide anymore and get toxic shame. Good luck!