Give Up! The SURPRISING First Step in Overcoming Depression | Dr. Rami Nader

[@DavidsGameplayMC]

This rings true with me. I feel like a big part of my depression is fueled by being in a constant state of not being satisfied with how I'm living my life, always telling myself that I'm being too lazy for not doing something and things like that.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi David - that's very much how depression works. It gets a person to expect the unrealistic and the tells them to get down on themselves when they don't achieve it.

[@yuckiguy5998]

omg so facts

[@rebeccajones9757]

I can relate

[@iannorton2253]

I procrastinate through fear of failure and always tell myself that I'm being lazy - I continue to punish myself with my (now long-deceased) dad's words. I was always told by him that I was lazy and 'thick' (stupid), so learnt that I (as a person) would never be good enough no matter how much energy, time and dedication it took in order to achieve anything. According to him, teachers were only teachers because they couldn't get a real job and students were layabouts that didn't want a real job. This has led to me being constantly depressed, anxious, and always feeling a failure. No wonder I didn't pass my school exams! To him, that was a vindicating 'told you so' moment; a self-fulfilling prophecy. In adult life, any achievements that I did make were then never satisfying to me (e.g. qualifying as a registered mental health nurse - the irony! - or getting my Bachelors degree). Eventually, I gave up trying. Perhaps unsurprisingly, personal relationships have been unsuccessful and I've always struggled to make and keep friends. This is a monster that feeds on itself. I'm now 61, still suffering depression (am currently off work again due to it, trying yet another type of antidepressant medication) and feeling as though I've generally failed in life. These videos, also those of Anna Runkle and Patrick Teahan, which I've recently discovered since being off work, have proved to be of so much more help to me than years of medication and one-to-one therapy. They've put a lot of issues in perspective for me, identified causes and presented solutions. I'm very grateful.

[@Desi_Laine]

SAME.

[@loganclements4332]

Yes, I can verify this is true. One day I lowered my goal to just cleaning out my email box. I had about 4,000 emails and seemed to be overwhelmed. I got them down to about 33 and my energy and motivation level skyrocketed even though I had done such a seemingly unimportant thing. This works!

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Logan - thanks for sharing! I'm glad this approach worked so well for you.

[@Twysthor]

“One step at a time”. It is so simple but flies over mine and a lot of people’s heads.

[@DrRamiNader]

Depression will get people to think and behave in ways that makes the depression worse. So sometimes, what seems so simple isn't apparent to people.

[@JF098]

17 sessions with my psychologist and all she told me was to travel or do something fun, and told me to stop watching videos on KZbin because I bring questions she doesn't think are relevant to me. Meanwhile this video hit the nail on the head for me in under 15 minutes. Thank you, I'll be trying this out.

[@DrRamiNader]

I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@JagjitSingh-er7dv]

Did it work for you?

[@bluejayjitsu4429]

Thank you.. this makes a lot of sense...it explains the massive low self esteem and self loathing right now...constant failure pushing me further into the pit. Thank you for calmly explaining

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found it helpful. It makes sense to want to try harder to get better and overcome depression, but that's the trap that depression sets for a person.

[@ShubhamKumar-nm4cs]

Is it working for you?

[@breakmanradio2530]

It makes sense. Set tiny goals like brushing your teeth and taking a shower in the morning. Micro goals. Then celebrate achieving them. Then after you've managed to get solid in first gear, slowly and gradually raise your expectations. Perhaps make a goal of at least getting to the gym once a week, even if you don't work out. That's another simple mind trick. Tell yourself all you have to do is put on your workout clothes and drive to the gym, no workout necessary, but you'll likely find that once you're at the gym, it's simple just get out of the car, walk in the gym, and start your workout. And focus on improving one area of your life at a time. For example if you need to improve your health, start there. With small goals. And be proud of yourself for achieving those small goals. that will give you increased energy and motivation to slightly and gradually increase your level of goals and expectation.

[@DrRamiNader]

Exactly!

[@thefunctionalfarmacista7790]

Sunshine sometimes helps me/being outside in nature. But, I have to push myself to do that at the moment (motivation is low). I know it’s a cycle and I just need to get thru it I suppose.

[@lizquinn3568]

Depression is like your body is struggling to live with a mind that wants to die 😔

[@shea5542]

Never heard it put better.

[@alansommer]

Thats your opinion, but it is not always the case.

[@lizquinn3568]

@@alansommer I thought this comment section is for giving your personal opinion, I don't assume everyone feels like that, but some people did relate to it

[@humanfamilymember]

Or it’s is a mind that wants to live, but can’t see how because it focuses on what went wrong in the past, what is going wrong now, and what might go wrong in the future.

[@gurgurgur]

Lee Faith in God then souls connect with love and coprate in life. Moody and stubborn behaviour brings lots fear in life. Cut down desire only grateful. Be kind be honest be grateful obey souls respect souls respect rules except everything happened in life some reason then happiness builds up in life. Married life is warriors life they always fight to win even they lose every day . Sleep at night not day time. Eat fruit and vegetables daily cut down sugar.

[@ande1805]

Wowwww over 12 years of CBT and this has been the most useful thing I've heard in a long time!!! The failure cycle has completely drained me and I've been spiraling trying to work harder and harder 😭😭😭 I'm glad you have videos on how to adjust out goals because this is key for me

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

The first thing I thought of when he said pick smaller goals was remembering CBT. It tells you to pick smaller, more doable goals, which will encourage you to do more.

[@DrRamiNader]

Thanks for sharing your experiences!

[@karamariee9]

This is so helpful and hopeful. Crossing off all my unrealistic goals on my habit tracker and replacing them with things like “eat” and “stretch for 5 mins.” Instead of writing a list of things I can beat myself up for not accomplishing. Thank you!

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found the video helpful Kara. Hope you are able to complete all of the goals you set for yourself!

[@yuckiguy5998]

exactly one step needs to be taken to start a marathon lol

[@marissag7667]

This is by far the most helpful video I have ever watched on dealing with depression. I have been spiraling further and further these past few months. This video was a revelation for me: it is because I constantly set unrealistic expectations for myself. I have reached a point where simple tasks such as going to the grocery store, brushing my teeth, doing laundry, even eating or getting out of bed feel exhausting and, at times, unbearable. And when I feel this way, I only get more angry with myself that I am not accomplishing my goals and I feel as though I am failing more and more every day. I am at a point where I need to “give up” those expectations. Thank you. This video will be a first step for me. Praying for those who are also on this journey. 🙏🏼 We can do this. This will pass. Brighter days are ahead!

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Marissa - glad you found the video helpful! I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@DonnaCipollone-qz9xg]

Can you talk about bipolar 2 disorder?

[@richardbrazee6643]

This just explained why I have been depressed for years. A had a therapist 10 years ago tell me to lower my expectations and that my own, as well as my father's high expectations was keeping me depressed. She never explained anything more then that. This is life changing advice and I greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much for this thorough explanation. I think I can make these manageable changes.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Richard - I'm glad you found the video helpful. Good luck with your efforts and I hope you will check out some of the the other videos about depression that I have posted.

[@metsot]

Your high expectations for yourself May have constituted to you falling ill in the first place. "Lowering your expectations" later is not going to solve the problem of depression or end it. Depression has to be "worked" and worked through - there is no easy or quick fix.

[@patriciavandevelde5469]

Your therapist is like most of lawyers money money money

[@margaretcostigan5512]

It may be the key. Looking forward to more

[@AJ-dc2fj]

This video deserves to be more popular. I've had to "give up" and climb out of the hole again and again. I'm not sure why i fall back in, i think once i start picking up steam i try to set my expectations too high again. I do get over depressions quicker now which i guess is good but wish i never knew what it felt like in the first place! Thanks for this video.

[@DrRamiNader]

Thanks for the comments and I'm glad you found the video helpful. Enthusiasm can lead to setting goals that are too big and can cause setbacks. So it's always good to err on the side of smaller rather than larger goals.

[@susanna8612]

My depression started after losses in life and broken relationships. And unfortunately it affects everything else. I never was thriver in the sense that I run after material or professional success. I have been happy if I do something I like, the expectations comes from others and society. And sometimes it creates conflict within yourself too. But when u struggle to even do simple things in life like answering to the phone or take shower, you know you are dealing with something more serious. Indeed more you try to force yourself to do and think positively worst you feel, the pain is in your whole body, even if u try to pretend that u are fine and u can do this.

[@vaporwingfauxmcloud1190]

So I've been binging these motivational videos trying to find some way to cope with my depression and this is by far the truest reason I've been depressed. I set extremely high goals and I forget I am still me and my goals are set way too high. Watching the second video rn while I'm working so thank you very much, doc!

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found the video helpful!

[@accordingtofrye514]

this mens depression is not for ever with as ? I always afred I think stey forever

[@susanna8612]

Those motivational videos are the worst. They are all about you become succesfull and happy with lots of effort and dicipline. Those people has no idea how it feels when u strugle to even wash your teeths every evening.

[@goodintentions1302]

So, so tired of trying harder. These last few days my goal is to drink enough water for my body's health & get up out of my bed enough to not wet it... I used everything up by helping others who were happy to discard me as soon as I wasn't helping anymore.

[@JayRizzyMusic]

U kno, I’ve given up multiple times in my life. Depression feels like this lifelong battle I’ve had since I was 15.. and yet here I am, at the bottom of the barrel again. And now I find out ntidepressants are myth, and that depression isn’t a chem mbalanc ? Don’t even kno what to believe anymore. Feels like this is never gunna end 😒

[@janeymorris1273]

Thanks for this, I have been deteriorating for awhile now, and have been trying to push through and ended up bewildered in my kitchen one morning with very little sleep feeling suicidal. I have not accepted that this is where I am. I have a friend coming over and she will see me in bed. I can’t hide it anymore. The suicidal thoughts are scary..

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Janey - I'm sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time and am hopeful that the video was, in at least some small way, helpful.

[@janeymorris1273]

@@DrRamiNader Well it is almost one year later and I popped out the other side a different person. So grateful for the changes that have come about. 🙏💜

[@DrRamiNader]

Janey - I am so pleased you are feeling better! Thanks for the wonderful update!

[@hortensejones4050]

Janey, what helped?

[@janeymorris1273]

@@hortensejones4050 grieving, time passing, writing and listening to guided meditations plus clearing out my garden 🪴. I have a completely different life now 🧡 More free time to rest.

[@linzidevon19]

Thank you for this video. It has really helped me today. Sometimes the gap between where you are and where you want to be is so big that it seems insurmountable. This reminded me to stop being so harsh on myself and to focus on setting smaller goals.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Lindsey - I am pleased to hear that you found the video helpful. That's my whole purpose for doing these videos, so I'm glad you found it of benefit. If you're interested, I have a video on setting smaller goals that you might find useful, if you have not already seen it: kzbin.info/www/bejne/aqCyo3qcfM6Ve9k Hope that helps.

[@yvettemundo6283]

Interesting concept. I actually had to retire from work because my expectations were so high my body kind of went into panic mode and I just couldn’t function. So before listening to you, I’ve been doing just that, taking baby steps and doing small things each day. Still in recovery process but feeling better each day and of course lots of prayers and faith in God.

[@DrRamiNader]

Thanks for sharing your experiences. I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@VermaFe]

Thank you for this. Been so unmotivated and I felt so much guilt because I wasn’t reaching my unrealistic expectations. Been feeling depressed for 1 1/2 months now. I have through these storms ( depression/anxiety) more frequently. It’s so hard to come out of this dark pit 😰.

[@DrRamiNader]

I wish you the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@marshallc.t.2554]

The harder I try to push myself to achieve more things the harder it gets to achieve even the ones I was achieving till now and my depression deepens and my energy levels drop while my anxiety peaks. This is great advice.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Marshall - glad you found the video helpful!

[@restorationconcrete]

Absolutely spot on. I struggle with depression. I feel good and set really high goals only to crash later. I beat myself to for failing and live in fear of what will happen if I don’t reach certain financial or health goals. Great advice!!!

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found the video helpful!

[@mandanakarrari256]

I loved the light background. I loved the way you talked. I was depressed falling in bed and absent in university class. Looking for a solution.and I found my answer in your video. Thank you man

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Mandana - so pleased you found the video helpful. I wish you all the best.

[@ADHDeez]

Dr. Rami Nader, I just want to say thank you. I have watched countless videos on overcoming depression and they're all the same "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps". For years I've always had these high goals and expectations When I've been so depressed I barely have motivation to feed myself. Failing to meet these goals just makes the depression worse and self-perpetuating as you say. After watching this video and thinking to myself " I give up" I already have the motivation to do the smaller tasks that I couldn't do before. This is exactly the change in mind shift I needed. Looking forward to watching more of your videos, And again, thank you so much for uploading this!

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Dylan - thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm glad you found the videos helpful. The "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" approach seems good as a slogan on a t-shirt, but not in real life.

[@gloriakurkowski101]

This advice is spot on. The more I tried, it just got worse. Thank you, Doctor. Feeling better by letting things go.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Gloria - glad you found it helpful!

[@carolynmcclure4634]

This perfectly describes what I am dealing with. I have struggled with this for 3 years: trying to force motivation in myself.

[@Asachara]

thank you. i needed this today. ive been so low...ive been giving up. this is helping me see i can give up..and realize there are some things i can still do..and eventually i will be back on top.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Asako - glad you found the video helpful. I wish you all the best in your efforts!

[@TheGatewayProductions]

Huge thanks for this upload! Depression is terrible but we can fight it!

[@DrRamiNader]

You are welcome. Glad you found the video useful and I agree that depression can be overcome with the right knowledge and skills. Thanks for supporting the channel!

[@SjorsHoukes]

The message of the video is that the fighter mindset doesn’t help. You need to accept the depression, and manage small steps first.

[@DrRamiNader]

Exactly!

[@jungersrules]

I know that a lot of times I just don't want to exist. Life is just so hard, so heavy sometimes. I got advice here on KZbin that when you wake up remind yourself that today could be the last day of your life, or something like that! I interpret that as meaning that there are no guarantees in life, including life itself. It has strangely helped a lot with my anxiety and depression.

[@DrRamiNader]

Thanks for sharing your insights and experiences. And you are absolutely right that there are no guarantees in life, acceptance of which can make it easier to tolerate uncertainty.

[@doucevasion]

i've just been diagnosed with high-functioning depression this morning and i'm still processing this fact... thank you so much for your video. God bless you.

[@DrRamiNader]

You're very welcome. I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@yvettemundo6283]

God bless you too 🙏

[@doucevasion]

@@yvettemundo6283 thank you 😊 have a great day 🙏

[@joytotheworld6804]

This is the best explaination I have heard, thank you. No therapist has explained this to me. I recently wrote in my journal that I have been setting goals that I am way too tired to accomplish. My mind keeps telling me I should be doing more, when really I need to be resting more

[@DrRamiNader]

I'm glad you found it helpful. I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@davidlah5058]

I don't usually comment on youtube, but I have to do it! I can't understand why you have so few followers and views. You explain this concept for anyone to understand easily! Keep up the good work, because we need more psychological education on a daily basis.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi David - thank you for your kind words and supporting the channel. The channel is still relatively young and growing, so with support from people like you, commenting, like and sharing the videos, the channel will continue to grow. Take care!

[@koofraw]

Thank you. This is like making a realistic plan vs an idealistic plan. We need to meet ourselves where we are. I've never thought of using this thinking for depression.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Rebecca - glad you found it helpful. The key is being honest with ourselves, where we actually are vs where we would like to be.

[@Jessicaisfreee]

Yes I just need to drop everything and just go with the flow. I need to focus on positive affirmations and just do what I can each day and build up momentum over time. I don’t have to have all of the answers today. I’m tired of dipping into deep depression, it’s so dark and painful and debilitating.

[@DrRamiNader]

I wish you the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@justaconversation3729]

Thank you. I knew this instinctively. But no one will believe me. I struggle with wanting to accomplish everything right now or yesterday... but I don't have it in me. And everyone around me keeps thinking that I'm just not pushing myself hard enough to get unstuck. When they say those things they make it worse.

[@DrRamiNader]

I'm glad you found it helpful!

[@allavoznich]

Yes, lowering your expectations is a key solution in the fight against depression

[@DrRamiNader]

It's counterintuitive, but it works.

[@carrie-joylloyd5785]

What to do when there are no expectations. I’m a senior with severe anxiety and depression. I am alone and have no goals l don’t know why. I’m just waiting to die and the sooner the better. Why continue to suffer when we’re going to die anyway. I won’t be missed anyway as my relatives live a long way away. I’ve suffered for so many years and cannot cope alone and lonely it’s unbearable. I’m very glad that many of you are being helped though.x

[@DrRamiNader]

@@carrie-joylloyd5785 Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. The thing with expectations is that they don't have to be external. A person can set internal expectations for what they should be doing. In a situation like the one you described, the idea would be to look for even small things the person may enjoy doing and aim to set small goals around those things.

[@allavoznich]

@@carrie-joylloyd5785 Do you have anyone around you who can help? I’m worried about you...

[@geoffhowe]

Thank you for this and all your work Dr. Nader. It’s so refreshing to have someone meet you where you’re at with mental health challenges, who has compassion for your reality and is able to give positive encouragement and helpful steps in moving forward. I hope your efforts reach the many people who need this.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Geoff - thanks for your positive feedback and encouraging words. I'm thankful that you found the video helpful and hope the video will get out to more people who might find it useful. Thanks for supporting the channel!

[@francescal8749]

hi, i just discovered your channel through this video and love your content. this really makes sense, i’ve been stuck in this loop for 4 years now, where i go through stages of being in psychiatric hospitals/rehabs where i‘m basically not expected to do anything but stay in bed for months, and then switching to being out in the ‘real world’, and trying to balance 100000 things at once, which inevitably always pushes me back into a depression as i can’t maintain anything. this gave me a new perspective on how to approach my recovery in a way that is sustainable and doesn’t ultimately cause me to relapse. thank you :))

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Francesca - I'm glad you are finding the videos helpful and I wish you all the best in your continued improvement.

[@andyaitken4022]

thanks. i enjoyed this video, the ideas seemed to be well grounded and not usually the type of advice you get from health professionals. i have been a mild bipolar for 25 years and 12 years ago experienced a mental health breakdown - characterised by general anxiety and depression. my previous life was free, successful career as large animal vet. 3 years ago, i managed to start working 3 hours a week teaching my musical instrument in a local high school.i am enthusiastic to continue to grow as a person, expand my comfort zone and live a fuller life. i haven't been on a plane in 12 years. i want to visit the taj mahal and so much more that i used to take for granted. the chaos of life seems overwhelming and beyond my current reach. but i used to live in that chaos and cant wait to go back. so 3hrs a week is laughable, but at the same time, so much more than i achieved for years. i need more work / life / money / busy-ness now but unsure how to make the next step.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Andy - thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. I'm glad you found the video useful.

[@aliceclearmanphd984]

This doctor likes this doctor! Wow - wonderful! I'm looking for videos to recommend to the breast cancer support group I just joined on Facebook. Yeah... I have breast cancer. Yippee. So many women there are talking about depression and anxiety - not just adjustment disorder. They are talking about antidepressant medications not helping... or that their doctors don't want to Rx them. I can recommend any of the zillion fabulous books - but to be able to just listen is SO much better when you're scared and suffering. Many of the women in the group have jobs and are truly struggling at work and with their fear, pain, and other sequelae of cancer. This is the perfect video for them! Thank you for this. I've just subscribed - and I'll be recommending your channel.

[@DrRamiNader]

Dear Dr. Clearman - thank you so much for your kind words! I would love for these videos to be a helpful resource for as many people as possible and thank you for spreading the word. I also wish you all the best in your recovery from breast cancer. Take care!

[@joanryan2242]

Thank you for this inspiring talk...this is me exactly. Always feeling im not doing enough...making me feel worse.Also feel like I should be there for everyone and saying yes even when I dont feel like doing something. I feel this totally makes sense and very doable .God bless you!

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Joan - so pleased you found the video helpful and relevant to you. I wish you the best.

[@jeanwillis7774]

Thank you! This makes so much sense! I live in Ontario,and lost my husband 10 months ago..He passed away at home,which was planned,and I nursed him and in the last 6 weeks of his life had home-care.Naturally,the stress of this and the grief,the expectations of all that has to be achieved in terms of closing bank accounts etc. I have had depression for quite some time,before my husband passed,and come out of it,I do have ADHD and had it as a child. Your straight forward description of what happens,and how to address it makes sense…I will watch more of your videos,to help myself cope with each level! Thanks to you,I know,I can beat this episode.

[@DrRamiNader]

Thank you for sharing your story. I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@hxjdjdn6236]

It might be just me but I visualise me being depressed comparing to others with a healthy mindset like this. We all are invited to run a marathon as a team. Everyone has the chance to have a good night sleep, nutritious breakfast, easy warm up, time to pick out the right gear, plenty of excitement and motivational boost. But then you are the one who lives far and you have to wake up really early, need to rush getting ready maybe even skipping breakfast and then you have to run to the event on empty. You already started off not great and then used up all your energy and the twinkle of motivation you had by the time the marathon starts. You might be able to participate but slowly you will be left behind by the group, so you feel like a failure and they are just standing there "but you could just do all the things we did to prepare, clearly you did not try hard enough or do the right things". Yes, you would say, I understand eating healthy, sleeping well, stressing less etc etc would help to perform well, it makes perfect sense and so logical. But what we forget is the "living far=having less time/energy=being depressed=being not in a heathy mindset" part. I had to run here. I had to put a massive effort in just be here. The warm up was my main event! That is what difficult to understand when you are in a healthy mindset. This example might be a bit offish haha but it does feel like running a marathon everyday before the main event 😄

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Dorina - thanks for sharing. This is a terrific metaphor and I think it describes depression very effectively!

[@stellamarie4697]

Wow a light bulb finally went off. Thank you for saving me thousands on therapy!! I'm being sincere xo

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Stella - You're welcome, I'm very pleased that you found the video useful. Thanks for supporting the channel!

[@TruckinMommy]

This is is so comforting. Thank you. I really need some sort of help and I’m so exhausted just existing.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Lauren - I'm glad you found the video helpful. I hope you feel better soon.

[@TruckinMommy]

@@DrRamiNader me too. I’m very overwhelmed

[@adhilmubarak7217]

This means understanding the current position,have gratitude with whatever u have sametime take ur time with gradual increase in action.no self pity

[@stevemarkwick6545]

Thank you so much for this. I so want to surrender, give up , cry and whatever comes with it. Years of pushing and having ridiculous expectations. I think we also have to trust life and drop trying to control. I’m ready for this. Love to you all x

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Steve, best of luck in your efforts to feel better.

[@PeggyHughes-y3k]

This is amazing info. I have been on meds that I finally got off of, and years of therapy but I never had someone explain what you shared in this video. It makes perfect sense to just give up and be kinder to myself. No more perfection or trying to keep up with others. I am actually doing so much better and really appreciate your info!

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found it helpful.

[@JeffinerM]

Found this at exactly the same time as kicking myself to try harder, so maybe I should pause and think about this first. Thank you 🙂

[@DrRamiNader]

You're welcome. Glad you found it helpful.

[@rubyslippers6716]

Thank you. I’m so the type waiting for someone to fix what I’ve become too exhausted to try to fix anymore. This felt really on the right track. I felt moments of my soul wanting to hear more and how etc. That rarely happens. Great video.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Michelle - glad you found it helpful.

[@shirazijessica6067]

I feel so depressed rn your video makes so much sense to me thanks

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found it helpful. I wish you all the best.

[@Uli-g4l]

Due to my complex childhood trauma things are very complicated. I seem to have a kind of quiet BPD with some Cluster A - Symptoms and was never able to achieve "normal" goals. For over 5 decades I've been living in daydreams, webs of thoughts etc. with almost nothing taking place "outwardly". I kind of escaped "real life" very effectively. I know your method does work... for when I take real baby-baby steps, I can finally reach goals like: doing 4 or 5 bodily exercises almost every day and also doing some little other things (cleaning, gardening) for maybe 2 or 3 hours a day. Never achieved much more than that. But whenever I fall out of such routine, I'm absolutely back to Zero... means lying in bed almost always, the rest of the time sitting around and just living inwardly: bringing some kind of order into those networks of thoughts, feeling, exploring my underworld, learning and growing inwardly. This happens. But "outside" of me, there is no structure. No secure attachments. No finding sense in some work. No movement. Like a fiery mind in a frozen body. And sometimes it's just crying like a baby, but my beloved won't come.

[@nafisakhalid1749]

Oh my Goodness, you've basically just stated the cure. It's so true what you're saying, I can resonate because I literally just started doing this on my own, being a perfectionist I had been going down this spiral since 6 years now until one day I was down to just changing one thing and that was to just tell myself I love you even if I didn't believe in it, kept on it for days until It started to not feel so awkward and false, to then talking to myself positively immediately after if I beat myself for something with negative words and thoughts, then to making my bed everyday, that led to cleaning my room, that led me to eat on time thou I was still eating junk, that motivated me to eat fruits and vegetables cause I didn't have to cook them, that led me to find out about calorie deficit which then led me to wanna not treat my body like a garbage can and be just a little bit mindful, that led me to see and feel changes in my weight and a little motivation for doing better that's when I thought I'd start walking in my room and try to complete 10000 steps cause I wanted to then loose some weight - but I would only do as many steps as I could do and literally the next day I'd me able to go further than my previous step target by this time I was feeling a little better but some more set backs came along in life but I think I had already begun my journey to recovery so this one step at a time ideology keeps on working for me all while I sat at home, things started to work for me a bit I earned a bit of money from a job and then I have now sent in my admissions to two of the worlds best universities doing this technique for each step of the way, and this is something I have missed thrice in my past two years of depression. I feel a little bit of more energy and motivation so doing the same thing I am now thinking about opening my own business from home with no extraordinary expectations, just one step at a time! I feel I am going up the spiral feeling stronger than before, not there yet but I know I only have to love myself enough to get through it all. I wanna take my time so that I recover from it in such a solid way that I never ever come back here. So Thankyou Doctor this is the only most useful advice I have ever heard from anyone. I will keep your words and your diagram in my mind every step of the way. Thankyou for your contributions for me and the world. May God bless you.

[@amandacalvo1211]

I love the way you talk. Your English is super clear. ❤

[@DrRamiNader]

Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Glad you found the video helpful!

[@REALkristinnefertiti]

I keep listening and rewinding to listen again .... this is 100% true for me. I'm never truly happy with work... and always think negatively. I procrastinate because the to-do list is so long and feel incompetent. I'm zapped...

[@DrRamiNader]

I wish you the best in your efforts to feel better and just take one small goal at a time.

[@NoName-ym5zj]

This was really eye opening, thank you. I am from Ukraine and since the war started i lost my job, because i just couldn't find the energy to keep up with what was expected from me and the harder i tried to meet those expectations the deeper i spiraled down into depression. Ever since then the hits just came coming whether it's newly discovered health issues or constant reminder i was useless and couldn't help my family in such a horrible time. This video really opened my eyes to the horrible cycle of "trying harder" i put myself in, will try your advice and hope it helps. Thank you!

[@DrRamiNader]

I'm glad you found the video helpful. I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@yuckiguy5998]

You saved me forever on how I can get out. OMG i have been looking for this the whole time. YOU HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. Thank you

[@DrRamiNader]

You are very welcome. Glad you found it helpful.

[@yuckiguy5998]

@@DrRamiNader I know you have helped people just never stop that is my only wish

[@katlutz3404]

Thank you. This makes me feel better. My family does not understand and wants me to achieve, do more, make more money. They don't understand I'm fighting to get out of bed and shower. I must surrender on pleasing my family and set realistic goals for myself.

[@DrRamiNader]

I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@aparnasbose]

Thank you so much.. I have been adding on goals even when I am depressed and this had been making it worse. Giving up makes real sense although people may conceive it in the negative sense at first. But this is the way to go when you feel depressed and lack energy. I would keep this in mind as a life lesson. Thanks again for your amazing videos. Looking forward to more of these 😊

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found the video helpful. Thanks for supporting the channel!

[@conniejarrett3997]

Thank you so much. Exactly what I needed today. Surrender! Yes, makes perfect sense. I have to let go and accept that my energy is in the toilet and start from there. I've been in a push and crash cycle. I have an active day and then I get excited that I'm getting better, but the next day, like today, I'm in a deep hole again. The bicycle analogy is perfect. Have to start in first gear and not tenth.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Connie - I'm very pleased that you found the video helpful. Best of luck in all your efforts to start slow and build up!

[@toltaldominationx7183]

I've recently been diagnosed with severe recurring anxiety depression disorder and fibromyalgia. I'm on such a hard downward spiral. I've completely changed and my wife and kids have noticed as have I. I notice it but still feel like I cant do anything about it. Suicidal thoughts on occasion. I have contacted a hotline twice. I dont know what to do with myself anymore. My family doesn't know what to do anymore. I feel trapped.

[@boskind515]

thanks for this, it's so helpful. I've felt this for so long but had never heard a professional speak about it or suggest a workable form of it. It's like I was waiting for permission to do this. Is that causal to a depressive type of thinking/pattern? I had given up trying, just kept my expectations going and used it to punish myself with 🤦‍♀️

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Martine - I'm glad you found the video helpful. I have uploaded a few videos on depression and behavioral and cognitive tools to manage depression and you can find them here: kzbin.info/aero/PLG_XiSJeP3s1xOWOVHDMBPWjZImyu8M8d Hope that helps!

[@edwardo737]

“waiting for permission” yep

[@pessimisticpianist582]

Yes, this is very very helpful and well explained. And I do think too, it's the very first step on the road of recovery. The talk seems to be slow and go on a bit. At the end I realized it's very important to be that way: It needs to be that way for a depressed person to really take it in and everything in the video contributed to my understanding. The metafor with the bike and the gears is a great one. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. My issue now is that I'm so far behind with things that really need addressing (they've been piling up over the last couple of years) There is no one else who can take these responsibilities away from me. On the contrary, it looks like I won't be able to rely much on my husband (we were already in the proces of a separation under the same roof) after his recent mental breakdown, in which he's in denial about. He's currently in hospital, due to be discharged in a couple of weeks. So now I'm a single depressed mother of 3 boys 18, 16 and 13, who have to live with a depressed mother, they're all I've got here...and I'm supposed to look after them. Well, I'm not at the moment. They're looking after me now. That has to change soon...on top of that I need to make big decisions about job/income right now and how to manage my boys. I've got one friend here, we started to become friends in the last 6 months or so and I know she's got enough on her plate. So how will I cope with this situation? How do I actually get help that lessens my burden, so I can actually lower the goals and expectations I set myself?

[@DrRamiNader]

Sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. When people have a lot going on and feel overwhelmed by it all, I often encourage them to stop trying to do everything and just focus on setting goals for one thing at a time. I hope things begin to improve for you. Take care.

[@pessimisticpianist582]

Thank you for your reply, Dr. Rami, I really appreciate it. Yes, I have to get back to basics first. I'v spent most of the last 17 days in bed... I've been watching a lot of your videos and they're all very helpful. It's a lot to take in. Today I still stayed in bed. No wonder, I've been training my body to do so. I watched the video about setting goals today. So first goal is to get up and get dressed tomorrow morning at 8am. And to write down some more small goals for the day. I can't even get my head around those right now. My husband used to tell me some of the things you talk about. Getting up was one thing and he also said 'Fake it till you Make it'.

[@DrRamiNader]

@@pessimisticpianist582 It may seem slow and unfulfilling at the start, but it's usually the quickest and most effective way out of depression.

[@theheididoll6641]

Your comment/questions were a kick in the gut...because I relate so completely and entirely...I hope you've found the strength and/or help you need since your post (& that you have some words of wisdom or encouragement for those in the same spot)

[@saintejeannedarc9460]

I hope that's what I'm doing. I've had to do a lot more for myself since my ex left. I was dreading having to keep the house myself, to cook and eat alone again. So far I've been doing this. I'm still largely miserable, because he cheated, and the waves of grief are still enormous. I have been able to see how far I've come and feel moments of encouragement. I have a great friend that points out how far I've come and says I'm doing somewhat better. I do need to get out more. Thinking about it causes anxiety though.

[@iloveFreedom.]

I'm struggling with people telling me to set goals, I feel like we are being real with ourselves, or not. The frequency of gratitude is like on another planet when we are stuck in mud, let alone seeing ourselves " achieving goals" I mean, if joy is my goal, even moving from a coma into resentment is a step in to lighter vibrations😆 when I'm feeling free, I dont need to think about goals, I'm just being myself, life happens naturally, I respond and dance in it, with it. Yeah, the bike in gear ten...brilliant....being honest with where we are at. Then my intuition kicks in 🌟 thankyou

[@DrRamiNader]

You're welcome.

[@TheTeeyaSkipper]

Thank you Xs 3 for doing this video. It confirmed somethings I felt within myself but felt others didn’t understand. I Literally feel so much lighter letting go of these “viral goals”, instant success that I’ve wanted. I’ve been so depressed and it’s because I was trying to live up to my name, gifts and talents. Because I’m great at certain things I felt responsible, “ to keep that going” …🤦🏽‍♀️ just thank you 🙏🏾

[@DrRamiNader]

You're very welcome. I'm glad you found the video helpful and affirming.

[@olwynblears7757]

as a. Carer I am so encouraged by you. I shall encourage my son to drop a few gears, and see the succes s. Thankyou

[@SS-in1ts]

This is true. At one point 1 minute stretching was all I could do, went up to two minutes. And then with the help of a friend, encouraged 30 minutes of exercise 3-4 x/week. I lost 25lbs and back in to my clothes. I make it a priority to focus on one thing- breakfast, healthy meals and going to the gym 30-60 minutes every other day during lunch and that means I won’t have time for cleaning or Doing dishes or walking my dogs some days. And I’ve told myself that’s okay because if I don’t exercise then I don’t have energy for work or cleaning anyway and life really spirals out of control. Today I didn’t have energy to walk, so I did some weights and the bike machine. I’ve kept the weight off although I can’t always keep up with the every other day gym. For me, what helps is picking one really helpful healthy pick me up such as walking outside or exercising or doing yoga- focus purely on getting that in and eventually in the next few weeks things start to fall in to place again- then I have energy to add a 45 minute walk in the evening for my dogs and clean house before bed. It’s a rollercoaster- I’m currently working on getting back to it. Mind muscle connection is difficult with depression, I know in a couple weeks as I lift more weight I will get that connection and alertness back. For now, I’m a lethargic zombie sticking to a flimsy gym habit.

[@barnabywilde374]

this reminds me of Cognizant Therapy where one comes to acknowledge one's own limitations and abilities. That is a very encapsulated description, but it helped me out for years when i was in my 20s.

[@tammy5855]

thanks for interrupting my spiral. i put goals on a Decluttering page saying I'm going to time each task. after 3 tasks, i was exhausted and slept. 59 entertaining a 10 and 13 yr old for memorial day weekend. I even posted pictures of my message

[@Oldbroad1]

I love the analogy of the bicycle at the stop sign. This was very helpful! Thank you.

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found it helpful!

[@marlenehardman1969]

Just what I needed to hear today. Must lower my Goals and Expectations. TY❣️

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Marlene, glad you found it helpful. I hope you have a great day.

[@rickkrucher1372]

Thanks so much for this video, Dr. Nader. I have been told to set more realistic expectations, but you are the first to tie those expectations to my energy and motivation level right now. That's an important new insight for me.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Rick - I'm glad you found the video helpful!

[@USViper]

Im struggling every single hour of the day... the last week has buried me in a hole.

[@helenhill2143]

I’m very motivated in this current moment. Do hope I can keep it up. You are so encouraging.

[@DrRamiNader]

I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better!

[@zirala1844]

Wow…never heard this way of looking at depression…so relevant Thank you Dr Rami 🙏🏽💜

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found it helpful!

[@dellaswain7]

I'm struggling about past mistakes and find it hard to keep pushing forward

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Della - I'm sorry to hear you are having a difficult time. I hope you are able to get some ideas and direction from the video. I wish you all the best.

[@kardelenkoc9746]

i have dreams but i cant make myself chase them. im too used to be depressed that i feel extreme resistance to doing anything beneficial or different to me. i dont know what to do i dont feel excitement or hope, thrive or motivation. once in a blue moon i feel excited for something and i stop slouching and run to prepare for whatever the source of the excitement is. i feel happy and energized like ive never been before.

[@glorriak]

Rely on God, give Him your stress, burdens everything & He’ll sustain you

[@MrGlujaN]

I can't my life is a mess (a serious one ) because i gave up on anything and everyone, in my case is strictly the opposite. Even though little daily victories is a good advice

[@LisaS1]

I'm an early elder woman and I feel like I have none or almost no energy and motivation.

[@debbiejentzsch5916]

As we age we need more of the vit B12. This deficency can cause lots of fatigue. Check out Dr Eric Bergs youtube videos about this.

[@TheMightyShell]

I really needed to hear this. Thank you for reminding me that this is a process and I'm getting through it

[@DrRamiNader]

You're very welcome. Glad you found it useful!

[@sudhirhebbar7363]

Bicycle metaphor is quite useful in my therapy as a therapist.

[@DrRamiNader]

So glad you found it helpful.

[@jimwelsh905]

Thanks for this your videos are helping me adjust my thinking about depression and anxiety. I do a couple of voluntary jobs I have given up one because it was too stressful and beyond my capability at the moment but I have another where the work is very mundane not challenging but I always feel a. It depressed after my shift. It would seem c to me that occupation is a good thing but meaningful occupation is preferable

[@Johnsonology]

Surrendering or giving up is certainly interesting. Is this why holidays, illness and other 'enforced' periods of giving up have such a restorative effect ? I know that the mismatch between motivation/energy and expectations is certainly a big issue - I couldn't agree more. Wondering if the prize is worth the effort is a constant judgement call for me, and so even that choice becomes stressful. Good video.

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Paul, glad you found the video helpful. I think you're absolutely on to something about the "enforced" periods of giving up. In those situations, we typically have fewer expectations of ourselves and so put less pressure on ourselves to be so productive.

[@darrincambridge2377]

Excellent advice. Like the bike analogy, build up momentum!

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found the video helpful!

[@fml2247]

this is life changing for me. thank you for saving my life

[@DrRamiNader]

I'm glad you found it helpful. I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@snehaliitbhucse5523]

I had been on sertraline, amitriptraline, propanolol, and some more drugs too... Nothing has worked. The process you have explained is exactly how I got depressed. The stress due to high expectations has also caused me generalized anxiety disorder and ocd, I had been seeking pills for 2 years without any improvement. Doctors can't really understand or make me understand this concept you explained. Giving up on high expectations had always been the last option for me, and now I am fed up enough that I will try it now! Thanks for the video.

[@DrRamiNader]

I'm glad you found the video helpful. All the best!

[@Ashish-nd3xj]

Yep same boat but even without high expectations.GAD and OCD !

[@Hend3077]

Amazing simple way to deal with depression

[@DrRamiNader]

It's counterintuitive, but it works.

[@pvsk10]

I really needed to hear this. Right place right time for me, thank you so much!

[@DrRamiNader]

You're very welcome. I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@LizWeaverNZ]

I really love your analogies, like riding the bike and the gears. Analogies like this are so simple and a great way to anchor in your mind a oerspective that can help. Replacing a feeling of disenchantment with a logical perspective, it also somehow takes the focus away from it all being so oersonal, psychological, emotional etc and instead gives you a kind of key to seeibg things a bit more objectively, detatch from judgement or self conscoousness and feel empowered with a strategy to act effectively. Just found your channel and looking forward to learning more analogies from you. The visual of an analogy also sticks in the mind so well as a reference. Thank you 🌷

[@DrRamiNader]

You're very welcome and I'm glad you found the video helpful. I'm a big fan of metaphors, as I think they really help a person remember the points being made.

[@joed180]

30 seconds in and I chuckle like, yep I've done that.

[@pim1977]

Thanks a lot for your videos, they really make a difference. I am going through a depression at the moment, and watching your videos is really helpful and comforting. Do you have any plans to make a video about antidepressants? I am struggling with the decision to start antidepressants or not.

[@sylwiap.9989]

Your videos are so simple and easy to understand. You do give hope and motivate to action. THANK YOU

[@DrRamiNader]

I'm really pleased to hear that feedback. One of the goals of this channel is to make psychological skills and tools accessible to everyone, so I'm glad you find the info easy to understand. Take care.

[@ModPrudencePoder]

I will give it a try. Thank you for sharing your insights.

[@DrRamiNader]

I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better!

[@mirovinac3968]

Instead hate, accept and love yourself and world around you. It's not easy (in first) but it works.

[@peggyerickson2549]

Thank u for your help, kinda makes sense, yet I believe therapy & meds make a big difference too

[@CuteCatNorman]

excellent video. thank you.

[@DrRamiNader]

You're very welcome!

[@chryssanthistell]

Great! This is where I am right now!

[@shea5542]

This is so incredibly useful. Thank you for making an applicable solution video. You rock. ❤️

[@DrRamiNader]

Hi Scarlett - you are very welcome. Glad you found the video helpful!

[@WellWisdom.]

This was the most helpfull video I've ever seen about depression. I believe Im going to make it.

[@DrRamiNader]

I'm glad it was helpful. I wish you all the best in your efforts to feel better.

[@Suxanes]

Omg, thank you so much for making this video. This has really cleared up what I'm feeling and what I need to do. I've pushing myself too hard and putting me deeper and deeper into depression.

[@DrRamiNader]

Glad you found it helpful!