MONTESSORI AT HOME: Responding to Toddler Tantrums

[@sarikatimmi]

“ All emotions are acceptable, but not all behavior is” so powerful

[@molahda]

❤

[@MariaandMontessori]

I want to add the importance of tone and volume of our voice. Speaking in a loving but firm and not loud voice. It's amazing how well kids will actually listen to us even if we are speaking in a low volume. Much better, actually, than if we are yelling. It shows them that we are calm and in control of the situation, that they can rely on us. They listen more intently to hear what we are saying and in turn start to calm down. One of the most effective guides with positive discipline that I observed pretty much whispered... it was phenomenal to witness how much more effective it can be than just yelling!

[@HapaFamily]

💯 totally!!

[@elizabethvidrine7936]

A lady said she literally whispers when kids are yelling. They immediately calm down to hear what she is saying

[@clarke38]

I have a question here. When it’s safety related or you’re finding your toddler in a state where they’re pushing a boundary and potentially ignoring you, how do you still use a whisper like/quiet voice? I haven’t found it to be effective.

[@elizabethvidrine7936]

@@clarke38 there is definitely a time and a place for a commanding voice. They actually take you more seriously if you don't use it all the time. If your toddler is ignoring you it's okay to say "don't ignore me. I need you to listen to me when I speak." Children need to learn to listen and follow directions.

[@lexiswanson8112]

Yeah.... mine evidently didn't get the memo....

[@szherman7888]

Thanks for this video! Definitely worth watching. Steps in short: 1. Calm yourself- Take a deep breath 3:15 2. Get down to their eye level - you’re on their team, not a threat. Establish connection 4:01 3. Validate child’s emotions and experiences “I see that you are having so much fun playing, you are mad and don’t want to stop. I understand, it is okay to feel that way” 5:15 4. Set the limits kindly and firmly. Follow through with your limits. It helps kids feel safe and secure. “It’s okay to feel x, and it’s time to leave the park. Do you want me to carry you or do you want to hop to the car? “ 😊 6:55 5. Offer them a choice 8:02 Can help to be playful, give something to look forward to. Not about distracting from feelings, just giving a coping skill.

[@javier.malagon]

THANK you

[@JA-vv8wy]

Thank you

[@AudaL]

Yes. Number five for sure because i commonly think about how that will grown on them trying to distract from feelings when older

[@georgele2440]

Thank you I lost focus

[@RebeccaChekeleleeBrambila]

The "we're on the same team" mentality changes everything for the caregiver! Thank you for sharing such practical, specific responses.

[@balesshippolova]

For us a great way to help prevent a tantrum is to give a heads up before an activity change like " we're going to leave the park in X minutes " so they can finish whatever they were working on amd it seems less abrupt.

[@xxx041189xxx]

This is a good point. I mean who would like to be bossed around while you're in the middle of something.

[@hspurr5922]

@@xxx041189xxx very true! I always think about it as if I were sat at my desk really into some work or a video game and someone just turned the PC off I would be livid! So when my toddler is really focused and into something, she needs a little bit of mental prep before changing.

[@mandyjoi7015]

Wow! As a 1st time momma, this video helped me realize how well Im actually doing with our little one. I've picked up little tips and tricks along the way that mirror pretty much everything you've said here. I always just try put myself in his shoes, get down to his level and explain that I understand how he is feeling. Parenting is haaaaaaaaaaaard work but feeling seen after watching this feels great. Still have no clue what I'm doing (most days) but hey, little our man feels loved, heard, respected and is super happy! This mama is smiling and feeling proud 😊

[@haniyyahahmadbonvini1980]

I watched this with my husband and we both emanated immense gratitude to you and your beautiful family for changing our lives with guidance like this, in addition to the courses and literature you’ve provided over the years on positive discipline parenting. We have been PDP for almost the entirety of my daughter’s life, and at 2.5yo this sweet soul still has tantrums but they’re highly predictable and manageable now. I can attest to the magic of positive discipline with our child. I’d also like to add it doesn’t ever end- we should always lovingly and respectfully parent throughout our children’s lives well into our greying years. I have no problem connecting with my daughter, getting at her level on my knees in a grocery store or at the playground to help her through her emotions. I have shed all social stigmas when it comes to my child. Nothing matters but her emotional and mental well being. Part of guiding our children to reconcile feelings is reconciling our own, and embracing feelings as part of who we are and who our children are. Loved every bit of this video! Thank you Ashley for continuing to change the world for the success of our children ❤️

[@ansonjones6355]

Your videos inspired me to look into teaching at a Montessori school and I have an interview tomorrow with one! I just love the philosophy of this so very much. Thank you!

[@JA-vv8wy]

Giving my son a countdown helps minimize tantrums. “In 5 minutes, your going to get a bath”… “In 1 minute you’re going to get a bath”.

[@behappy7032]

I always see videos discussing this but never see someone actually prove that this method works by seeing a video with a child throwing a tantrum and how they calm them down. Please share! 😁

[@jeniberri]

Yessss I agree. I have tried to get down on eye level and my 2.5 y/o just screams for me to get up and want me to pick her up to "leave, walk, go back" (her tantrums are always and only when we get home from any fun or being outside). Literally nothing stops it until she just wears out. I can talk, tell her to breath and talk to me etc. I just have to hold boundaries and keep walking away and tell her to talk to me when she is calm and repeat "I know your upset but can't go outside right now, we can do XYZ instead". Occasionally works but usually that's just "nooooooo". Tots are hard, but at least they are adorable and fun 99% of the time.

[@automationandreliability]

I also notice that there aren’t any responses to this comment. I guess the approach for the creator is to ignore it and it goes away.

[@BloodSweatandFears]

Yes my child does not respond at all to this, she doesn’t want to hear it, she just continues her meltdown. All I can do is be supportive and help her get through it. It’s unfortunate but if it’s in public we just leave wherever we are.

[@fishercourt]

@@automationandreliability Yeah she seems to be talking hypothetical stuff that comes across as being a very passive person who allows her children to have tantrums and not give any discipline. She seems to believe that children should be equal in making choices for the day’s chores and I’m just wondering if she has any real sense that she is teaching in a way that is idealistic and not realistic.

[@tommypatton3556]

Honestly this is the hardest part of being a parent, at least for me. But how can I expect my kids to react well to stressful situations when I can't even keep it together for a tantrum. I'm going to write these steps down and mentally practice it, because being calm only lasts so long when she doesn't react to my calmness the way I think she should 😅

[@aprilb4831]

As a toddler mum and a primary school teacher I so wish every parent did this with their children! 🥰🥰🥰

[@constancemaymiller]

I am so glad you added the bit at the end of the video about the process not working because I feel like this happens to me everytime. I guess I must be doing something wrong because I always end up having to physically take my son to do whatever it is that he doesn't want to do. And although I do it gently I find his rough physical contact really triggering and it is so frustrating!

[@choriamanah]

Kids are different. My son is always calm and composed. He knows consequences since very little. I just need to talk to him and he'd understand. My daughter, on the other hand, is a girl of action. She acts first, thinks later. until now she's 29 month old, I'm still trying hard to figure her out. She changes her mind a lot. For example, one second she says yes to brushing her teeth, but once i get the paste, she says no. She looks like she likes to challenge me, or maybe it's just my thought, idk. But like yours, i try so hard to be calm and patient, but she's making it hard most of the time by struggling/kicking/hitting.

[@JoshuaHults]

bribes and rewards = real life. Work = bribe you with a paycheck to do something you otherwise would not do. There is nothing wrong with bribes and rewards since it reflects actual reality. Things have to get done that nobody wants to do, therefore in real life, a bribe is given, you do this and we give you this. I will absolutely be using bribes and rewards to train my child

[@tigereyes5]

That is NOT how work works! A paycheque is remuneration for your services. It is a contractual agreement. It’s only a bribe when it’s done illegally. That’s not a good analogy at all. People are only bribed when trying to get them to do something they don’t want to do, which is a part of real life but a poor habit to build.

[@JoshuaHults]

@@@tigereyes5 i disagree, and think this is a word game. Have you never seen "0 interest for 3 months" on car sales, or sign on bonuses? Those are bribes my friend. A bribe can be illegal, it can also be legal.

[@ExplainedThroughRap]

​@@JoshuaHultsThis guy had teens yelling insults at him every day, so one day he says to them "that was funny here's £1, come do that tomorrow" - so the same thing happens the next day, kids yell, he gives them a £1 says come back tomorrow. The third day the kids yell, and he waves and says "that's great do it again tomorrow". And it never happened again. The kids were yelling insults because they wanted to at the start, they were intrinsically motivated. When they started getting paid to do it they became extrinsically motivated by money. When the money stopped both the extrinsic and intrinsic motivators were gone forever and so were the insults. I see your point here, we'll bribe and reward too at times, but I've left well paid jobs before and it's important to know what you're getting yourself into with extrinsic motivators. Game theory says the person doing the bribing has all the power in the short term but the person being bribed has all the power in the long term. With a kid, as soon as they realize how valuable their compliance is they can resist the bribe or negotiate better terms. You could bribe me to work for a few years in my 20s but now I charge a rate for my services and I set that rate and companies pay it because they need me more than I need the pay. Your child could realize that you need them to behave or whatever more than they want a reward - that balance of power isn't ideal.

[@JoshuaHults]

@@ExplainedThroughRap very well said. I would only point out that you bribe the rather than being bribed in your case, you give me money and i will give you this service which you can't get elsewhere for same quality or dependability or whatever sets you apart. The only thing keeping me at my job right now is the health insurance, if i was more knowledgable you are right i would leave and find a better method. I think being bribed only works on those who are more easily used.

[@MsSadie02]

Thank you Ashley, the timing of this was perfect for me! I’ve been struggling so much w/ tantrums from my 3 yr old lately.

[@PIF95]

Whenever I reflect on my kids emotions, it’s just makes them more upset. Then the tantrum just gets way worse. I’ve started keeping it very brief. I say, “I understand this is upsetting to you, but we need to…” It helps my kids if I’m vague, otherwise they are reminded of why they’re so upset and it makes it worse

[@annarocha3254]

yes yes yes.

[@ronjab4586]

This, so much. I thought I'm crazy when our toddler just gets more upset when I try to talk her through her feelings or validate them - or gets upset again when she finally calmed down. And her tantrums are already so long. I also found modeling throughout the day has helped to talk about feelings without her getting angry or more upset. But not regarding my own feelings - that will cause another tantrum 🤦‍♀️ but when I talk about how the baby feels and why, she is usually interested - of course not during a tantrum. Then like you say - keep it brief (I feel like I say something for my sake more than hers so I know I've tried because I'm pretty sure she cannot hear a word I'm saying over the hour long screeching she does with her tantrums - plus it helps me to remind myself that she has a big feeling and it seems to calm the baby a bit who is always very upset when big sister is throwing a tantrum).

[@miriamburton8405]

Yes it's difficult to know what to do then since you're trying to validate the feeling. Sometimes our children don't see that we're trying to show that we understand or misinterpret our words. Im reading 'how to talk so little kids will listen' and it talks about replacing the word ' but ' with 'the problem is' because the word but could be triggering in the sense that it negates the first part of the sentence. So maybe you could try : "You're having so much fun at the park and you feel upset that we have to leave, it's okay to feel upset. The problem is that I need help deciding if we're going to have Cucumber or an apple with lunch, what do you think?" This way they know it's okay to feel what they're feeling and you're giving them a choice which helps with the power struggle so they can feel like they're in control again. I'd recommend the book btw it's got lots of tips and tricks and it's even more effective when you combine them. Hope this helps!

[@spiritledwellness8142]

Yep. This happened to me today with my 32 month old when we had to leave the arts center where we did a class. There are lots of sensory bins to play with in their lobby and she typically wants to play for an hour or more. We went to bed a little later than normal last night and got up a little later than normal this morning so we were a little rushed when trying to get to our class by 10 am. I offered breakfast, but she was a little distracted with wanting to play, so she didn't eat much. I know that the source of the tantrum when we were trying to leave the arts center was probably because our routine got off kilter from last night to this morning and probably because my daughter was a bit hungry (even though I packed snacks). Ugh. I try every day to maintain a routine, but it is such a challenge. Transitions are haaaard.

[@jeniberri]

Yes. Any long explanation or big words at a young age doesn't help at all. They don't have a sense of reason, especially when upset, they just know they are upset. And when they are trying to scream their demands over you it's pointless to talk, I try to just stay calm with a low tone and ask her nicely to calm and talk to me, and offer a distraction which usually makes her more mad. It's so hard. Her screams are ear piercing and I get overwhelmed right along with her. Poor baby. I just try to step away and eventually have to be firm that upset and sad are ok but screaming at me is not. Also remember, how we handle it in the moment is important but not always how we want as it's happening, I know I probably upset her more at times not thinking of what I do right at that moment, like by "taking shoes off" when she is yelling to go back outside (hindsight got me with that one today), but how we recover and talk to them and show them how we are ok and happy again after is equally if not more important.

[@steveburman5957]

By far the hardest thing is to stop and take a breath. My wife and I stay on top of each other when we see the other needing to be brought back in. I will say this is the hardest parenting style but will pay off so much in the child's confidence as they get older.

[@strongwaterfallwoman]

Omg I love the confidence mama!! I started watching your videos 2 years ago and it helped my son thrive and grow. I’m thankful for your videos so much!! I’m happy to see you published your own book and now have e-courses! ❤️

[@TDBee09]

Perfect Timing on this video for me! My daughter just turned 18 months old yesterday and she is an independent knows what she wants kinda girl, and let me tell you, I was NOT ready for this beautiful strong willed free spirit to embrace her independence. Today she was NOT ready to leave target and for the first time she went all the way off on me and did NOT want to go to the carseat AT ALL, literally body flailing and I was in shock because I had never seen my cute sweet, wittle baby do this. Today she was officially toddler lol We got threw it, I was calm and we got buckled and I think we both were silent on the way home trying to figure out what in the world we both just experienced lol I know she is just trying to express herself but doesn't have all the words and tools to do so, but little did she know, we were on the way to the park after our target run so she was sooo happy and excited once she was released from the carseat lol (once we left the park, she did not meltdown she behaved very well--but i think the sun today drained her, I had no idea it would be like 80 today in Denver area, whew!)

[@MikkaRoqueJacobson]

Ashley!!! I just love you! 😂 thank you for being the kind of parent you are. I have been watching your videos for almost a year now since i was pregnant and realized what i want for our children and family is supported by the Montessori approach. Thank you for sharing your learnings and experience in a way that is so easy to digest. 🥰 I am so excited to see how your kids grow into such kind and compassionate human beings because of you! Also i felt like an A+ student when you brought up your book and i already have it.. and am currently reading it 😂🙏🏼♥️

[@iteese]

This is pure gold! 6:14 These validating techniques are used in pschyology even with adults, for this very same purpose.

[@nataliamurray2761]

First time commenter I’ve been following your channel since my 2.5 year old was born - thank you thank you for your wisdom and guidance! PDP has been life changing for us. Your kind of parenting is hard, but gratifying. Your book is hands down the best Montessori guide I’ve read - like your videos concise, easy to understand and visually stunning. The activity guide at the back is such a good reference when I’m on the hop with my toddler and four month old. Thank you.

[@cjrrob7336]

Such good advice Ashley. Some parents don't realize the importance of developing mutual respect, instead of you're the boss & the child is to be strictly obedient. That attitude tends to be counterproductive in the long run. Respect developed at a very young age will last a lifetime & foster cooperation. As you pointed out you are not giving in but setting boundaries & being consistent which will create a loving trusting relationship. After all isn't that what we want in a family?

[@taniamedina7519]

As a mother of a 2 years and a half boy, I just say: Thank you!

[@TheNamibRose]

All of this has been working for us, SO WELL!!

[@reganmeyer6661]

Thanks for the video! My husband and I are looking forward to leveraging these tips with our little one. The one thing we discussed doing differently is during the validation, describing what we observed and saying it makes us think they are feeling x emotion and that that's ok. That way we are not telling them what they're feeling but still making the possible connection and validating.

[@reganmeyer6661]

For example, "I see you're throwing puzzle pieces. It makes makes me think you're frustrated. It's ok to feel frustrated."

[@soloveshin]

This is exactly what I want right now! Thank you for your video!!!

[@cmwHisArtist]

It was key when you said in the beginning that children like to know what’s happening, and the unexpected upsets them . When I started to babysit my nieces, I remembered when I was small and in the middle of a game or fantasy playtime, how hard it was to switch out of it quickly when mom said ok, we’re leaving. So before we went somewhere, I gave my nieces a brief idea of what we were doing, and then told them I would give them a five minute warning when it was almost time to leave (or go to bed) so that they could finish their game or story. They agreed, and I followed through, giving them time to wind down and have a sense of completion.

[@carlotalasherascomet3046]

Thank you very much for this video, the examples are perfect! I have read so many books and articles and seen so many videos but it’s the first time I get full on examples with what to say exactly and in such a structured easy way to remember and follow!

[@mikasame]

Last thing i expected was to start tearing up at this. I try my best to validate my little 16 month olds feelings and watching this video made me realize how much i value this approach- how much this approach would benefit so many toddlers who are struggling to navigate their feelings with parents who unfortunately struggle to navigate their own feelings. A lot of times to a child, it feels like mommy/daddy doesnt love them when they get in trouble for having big emotions, and it makes me tear up to think about how that must feel.

[@lorahristova3916]

You are amazing, everything you share is so helpful and most importantly makes such a difference into a child's life. I can not thank you enough!

[@naturejelisabeth]

💜💜💜Really appreciate all your work on this youtube channel of yours Ashley!💜

[@xxzBREYzxx]

I have implemented this process over and over. There was just an instance where I was unable to leave the store with my 3 year old, full meltdown. After going through this process, I finally picked him up and had to carry him 3 floors on an escalator while he was physically trying to get out of my arms. When we reached the car, he was physically resisting being buckled in. He is very strong, and no matter how much I tried the calm voice, the acknowledging his feelings, there was no way he was coming down from the tantrum. It was a nightmare. I’m sure I’m doing something wrong. I’m not sure why these tantrums are becoming so intense. When it comes to “gently” trying to leave a store, a park, buckle in the car seat , even putting pants on sometimes, his strength while resisting makes it far from gentle. I have tried to give time for the intense emotion to subside, but when extra time is not an option, it’s extremely difficult to handle. I’m at a loss, everyone tells me boys will be boys. I’m not convinced, I feel like there’s something more I could be doing.

[@szherman7888]

Have you read the book “How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen”?

[@Alicenwndrlnd]

oh wow..your comment really touched me. i have a 1 yo baby who is very spirited. when he doesn't want something he just doesn't...and lately i have been fearing of him growing up and being much more intense than what i can handle...there is really no advice that i can give you but i just wanted you to know that i feel your struggle. and i hope you do find a solution and an answer on how to handle the situation. btw have you eliminated a possibility for a health issue? like maybe something that is hurting him or bothering him but he doesn't know yet to tell you? I heard amazing stories of parents who's children acted all crazy angry and unmanageable, and once they figured out what's wrong it turned their life's around. wish you the best!

[@humbledaughter2219]

Same here, girls are WAY easier at this age. The video creator (sorry forgot her name) has two girls.

[@jasminegoins4899]

I can relate to this with my almost 2 and a half year old (son). He's so strong and his emotions are intense. It's so frustrating when he fights being buckled in the car seat or stroller. I don't know what more to do

[@ronjab4586]

@@humbledaughter2219 Not every girl is. I could have written this original comment - and not just for that situation but for 20 different scenarios throughout the day. I literally get hurt trying to prevent our daughter from getting hurt while having a tantrum that came out of nowehere (mostly, I'm trying to put her somewhere where she can't hit her head during the tantrum) - she's been having these since 11 months old and is now 2 1/2 (99th percentile in height) and they just keep getting more frequent with increasing age. And with a baby at home no less. I read somewhere that it highly depends on the general energy level of the child how their tantrums are - and I couldn't agree more with that. I see our neighbors kid throw a tantrum over the exact same thing our daughter does, normal toddler stuff, but the way the way the tantrum is, is just much gentler and quieter. Sure - then I'm sure advice such as given in this video can be helpful. So I have been watching/reading any type of how to deal with a tantrum videos/articles with a grain of salt. I feel as if many 100% do not even understand the type of tantrums our extremely energetic child has multiple times per day or the importance to protect for example a baby from the very physical tantrums. It's always so funny to me when someone on the playground or elsewhere think they can just calm my daughter down as if I didn't try whatever they suggest - I always tell them to "be my guest" and when they actually try, they are so shocked when their established methods don't work. Follow the child - not every child responds well to the same script. But it's always great to try new things and hopefully find something your child responds well to.

[@ms.pirate]

I love this! its way better than hitting you're kid and making them scared of you, thank you!

[@vincentbynumbers]

Thank you! I just went and watched the original video and came back to this... such great information! I have a 4 mo old and I'm already worried about discipline and meltdowns... ahh! Also, I have to say I notice you have Invisalign (or some other) and after watching that older video I'm so happy for you... I had it a few years ago and it really makes such a difference. :D

[@kittylikesmilk]

being a good parent requires creativity and brains. sometimes, i feel like i am not smart enough. all these steps sound so logical and intuitively right, but, in the moment, when my toddler smacks me in the face, i can't seem to think back to any of these steps. lol.

[@darkangel199912]

I feel you. Parenting is hard but so rewarding

[@Mushroom321-]

Although i hav pre teens they can hav tantrums too.. i tell my kids "your feelings are always important ". 🥰 I CAN LISTEN WITHOUT AGREEing.." "A difference of an opinion isnt an argument " 🥰

[@sandrameijer1461]

I can clearly see now that your teeth are settling more and more into a straight row! I think it looks great Ashley 👍🏻

[@jamiedavis4605]

Brilliant advice, thank you. I was already doing quite a bit of this intuitively but missed some key points you made that I know will help me and my 3-year old.

[@plaidklaus3407]

So helpful, and it's great to have these things reinforced. MUCH APPRECIATED!

[@Data90]

Such a good advice! My 3 and a half year old is autistic. We’ve been following the Montessori route. It seems to help with giving her independence and a schedule. The transitioning is the hard part for us. We usually use a timer. I will say something like “we are leaving for whatever (store, park, therapy, etc.) in 10 minutes, let’s get our socks and shoes on.” Then I come back within a few minutes and say that we leaving in ex amount of minutes what snack you want for the ride or what you want to bring with you. This helps with transitioning. In the beginning I would bring out a piece of candy to bribe her but it didn’t help. So we just used the time thing to help. Also helping by saying bye to things like example at the park, “bye slide, bye swings, etc.” I did have a question though. I don’t remember if you posted a video or not. We are having a problem with her saying “no” like example, I told her it was time to brush her hair and teeth, because we have therapy today, she told me “no.” I offered for her to do it herself, but she said “no” again. Any advice for me?

[@ericazell370]

It’s normal for toddlers to say no. You can acknowledge that by saying “I hear you, you don’t want to brush your teeth.” You can ask if they want to brush their hair or their teeth first, which toothpaste flavor they want, and if they want their turn first or your turn first. Since health and hygiene is non-negotiable though, you may have to firmly but gently hold her while you brush her teeth. Validate her feelings the whole time

[@nicholasbowerman8040]

Something that I think is important for Ashley's last point: When you've gotten to a place where you need to gently handle your toddler: if there are more steps in the process, keep offering chances for your little one to act independently. For example: When leaving the park, if they need your help getting TO the car, maybe you set them down (or offer to do so) and let them climb into the car if they have done that. Or if they usually assist in buckling themselves in, you try to let them do that. These tiny returns of independence will greatly help them manage their emotions because it's not adding more stress. You could view it as if each step of the process is further escalation for the toddler because each time they feel as if that was another freedom they just lost. This doesn't always work because they may just be too upset to find enough calm, but my wife and I have found great success in doing this with our 2 year old.

[@MariaandMontessori]

I second this. Our girl is almost 2, and giving back small moments of independence actually gets her to calm way faster!

[@hspurr5922]

@@MariaandMontessori I just tried this with a pre nap-time meltdown (not usual but had suddenly got very tired) - we were tidying and I asked "do you know where this goes?" for a toy and my little one instantly acted like "of course I do" completely snapped out of the crying and put it away :)

[@holistichealingbytiamat1832]

Thank you so much I love the montisorri method and have found your channel useful. Thank you so much!

[@NewSkiwi]

I agree with your understanding of their overwhelm, and your stance of mutual respect, Instead of using the term tantrums, could you honour the child by referring to emotional dysregulated, which, as you beautifully described, requires your adult co- regulation. (Dr Stuart Shanker, Dr Miné Conkbayir). Love your videos.

[@emilymiller40]

Ooof we had a big tantrum today. Thank you so much for sharing these tips! I definitely need to practice keeping my cool and giving options… sometimes I get so flustered that I tell my child her choices are to continue being upset or to move on 🤦‍♀️🙃 parenting is practice!

[@nollie9311]

Awareness is first step! Sounds like you’re headed in the right direction. I too sometimes say things I probably shouldn’t have. We’re all a work in progress. It’s never too late for change. 💜

[@НастяХин]

This is so helpful, thank you so much for offering us phrases what to say. Thank you!!

[@leeroseveltfrancis]

I am not a mom but I want to treat my younger sister better. This helps a lot.

[@karolinaciucias664]

Very good advice, thank you❤

[@Dana-mb1hd]

Thank you Ashley! This was MUCH needed💜🙏

[@isabelwall1714]

I wish to be more calm, I seem to lose my patience so quickly and I can’t stand it. I will try and practice these tips. I have 4 little ones and also struggle with social anxiety, it’s so hard to handle my kids having meltdowns in public..literally feels like I’m going to collapse.

[@metalscholarsreact666]

I am sorry you are under such pressure. Sending virtual strength

[@dawnforlife]

WOW. You have four kids. I think you are doing great. I have one and it takes so much to practice respectful parenting. REspecting you for trying and it helps to see other moms online doing it respectfully! 😊

[@hisloveiseternal1]

It could be how our parents raised us too. I was raised where I wasn’t allowed to tantrum and suppressed my feelings. I was also spanked. This gave me immense anxiety growing up. Also made me crazy insecure. Self help books and videos like these have helped so much.

[@olyacarell6434]

why'd you have 4 kids? :D

[@PokéPhers]

I have 1, but I too have social anxiety which just makes it so bad when she has one.

[@Alhamdulilah6873]

Thank you very much, the process is really clear and helpful ❤

[@heartwoodhomeschool]

Timely one for me today! 😂 Great refresher!

[@catclark9488]

That all makes a good lot of sense! I found the music in the background a bit off putting though, what you're saying is important and doesn't need the distraction of background music :)

[@albertloan396]

This was excellent. I've shared this many times. Thank you.

[@Nikki-ks6wi]

It’s been hard but wow I’m doing all of these and realize I need to not be so hard on myself. I will make sure to calm myself down fully first great tips!

[@felishamuileboom7744]

thank you for this video :) it is helpful in the stage I am in with my 19 month old. love watching your videos 😊

[@historyoflif100]

❤ this. Such a helpful reminder.

[@benjaminmiller3075]

Watching this over and over after feeling so lost in tantrum land today

[@divleb]

So Beautiful, thank you Ashley!

[@angelaclaro1]

How to teach your child not deal with NO. You’re in the right video!

[@luluceballos9432]

This Daniel tiger saying helped us to have less tantrums when leaving the park. “It’s almost time to go so pick one more thing to do”

[@kattypettrova]

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

[@lindsey4157]

Thank you! This came at the perfect time!

[@miriamhernandez2205]

I never realize how many English words don’t exist in Spanish until I’m trying to translate a phrase to my toddler 🙃; but regardless I love this advice and I look forward to implementing them thank you!

[@ElizabethMartinez-to6rx]

I have the same problem! I feel like it’s easier to say these things in English than Spanish 😭

[@meganveal-briscoe6974]

Perfect timing!

[@kelleyneumann]

Excellent, thanks!

[@oweneusebio8653]

Very helpful to me especially today👍🏼 thanks Ashley! Any suggestions how to make toddlers eat? I’m usually struggling when it comes to mealtime😭

[@MandalaBunnyhome]

From my experience: don't give too many snacks, make sure they have at least one food you know they like at every meal, give small portions so they don't feel overwhelmed, reduce distractions like tv and loud noises, keep trying because their preferences change everyday

[@HapaFamily]

Everything that @MandalaBunny has said here! I would add not to pressure them whatsoever, either. No commenting on what they do/don’t eat, coaxing, bribing, “one last bite” or “clean your plate”. The parents decides what foods to offer, when and where, while the child decides which foods and how much to eat. ☺️

[@oweneusebio8653]

@@MandalaBunnyhomethanks for the suggestion ❤️

[@dwdaisy11]

If it possible I let my little one to prep her food, like wash the broccoli or cut it and put on the plate. Usually she eats better this way.

[@oweneusebio8653]

@@dwdaisy11 I’ll try this one too. Thank you!

[@123samary]

I’ve been binging your videos the last few weeks. I’m curious if you’ve heard from others how long before they start seeing improvements in their connection with their child. Especially if your starting this lifestyle with older kids/preschoolers. I’ve been implementing these approaches some but still feel we are not be improving.

[@tilaw6397]

My 2yo scratches my face & chest while I'm trying to help stop her from hurting herself against surfaces during violent tantrums. (We need padded room for toddlers 🤣) I've learnt that after the initial validating the feeling/experience & offering of comfort, I now back away & let her roll & flail for as long as she likes. Instead of forcing myself onto her & getting hurt, she ends up coming to me for comfort & the tantrum doesn't last as long. Of course I only have the "luxury" of this approach at home. I cant have her rolling around screaming on a public floor. I've had to carry her violently flailing out of a shopping centre to the the car while pushing the pram that she wouldn't sit in, heavily pregnant & face getting all scratched up. I left her toss in the car & calm down before buckling up. Staying calm has been a VERY difficult muscle to build. I've been reminding myself "This is not an emergency" & "its temporary". This chapter will pass soon even if it feels like forever right now. Preserving my integrity &peace has been at the forefront of what has motivated me to avoid getting into hitting or yelling. I know in the longrun being firm, confident & consistent will give her the security she needs & will help build our healthy relationship

[@irinaharris198]

Love this video! Thank you

[@trishaalondra8958]

Hi Ashley, I like to ask about for positive discipline could good book '' How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk'' Because I am reading it and talk good things but also it is writing every behavior has consequences and encourage to put consequence to the children. I feel duality with the book. It Would be nice to know your opinion.

[@pondering1840]

It was a very useful video.. I wonder if you can do a video about how to deal with daycare or preschool drop off separation anxiety in a respectful montessori way? Did you have to deal with it anytime with kylie? How to decide if you should pull them out of daycare or just power through the daily separation tantrum till it burns out???

[@lovism6590]

More on this please!!!

[@chronic_cara]

My son struggles with night terrors in which he wake up screaming usually at me the primary parent also kicking flailing. These end with huge meltdowns he’s usually violent toward me and don’t think that this is the same thing as a waking tantrum

[@trishahutchinson3485]

Your book is really helpful to me!

[@antonw-uw4ov]

This seems to me to be a very effort-heavy way to do things. Just cause something yields the final results you desire does not make it a good method. It's like if you are digging a pit and decide to use a spoon, it will get the job done eventually but the effort expended would have been radically reduced by just using a shovel. I find that in both adults, animals and children the most effective way to cenment your authority is to early on set an example to show that unwanted behavior will result in severe consequences. If the first implementation of those consequences is sufficiently severe you will often not have to go there again.

[@caitlinp8599]

Always such great helpful content, thank you!

[@jenniferrush8231]

I really struggle when it comes to validating his feelings. It seems to intensify his feelings. Like go from a 5 to a 10… Any more tips?

[@debgilbert3206]

Terrific advise!

[@amandakruger3710]

Hi how do I apply this to my one year old? I feel he is not at a point where he understands me enough. He throws tantrums when he has to go back in home after playing outside and he does it when I want to take something away from him that he should not be playing with. I have tried then giving him something that he may play with, but he just throws it on the ground and screams at me.

[@sestricaanutka]

If i knew what the reason for the screaming is, i would be able to deal with it, but 99% of the the time I just don’t know the reason. But my son very small, he is 1,5 and just starts speaking.

[@xeniajola]

I did and still do this automaticly... Both my kids has a disability and "normal" discipline never helpt (others tried it at my kids and got worse) and i felt it wasseny for me. Now at age 10 and 14 i still get to their level (that is difficult because of the oldest lenght (185 and me 168😅) and i myself sit in a wheelchair (kids snuggle up on my lap or ug me) What also help my youngest is to touch hem soft on his arm for his attention and also because of his age let him a little room to deside when he is going to do (bath or his clothes of bedtime ) i have a time in mind and give him my option and than he discuss with me (he thinks that he has all the power over himself but i get what i want (always quicker than my ultimatum in my head 😅) he happy me happy 2 kids with autism (youngest also with cerebral palsie and more)

[@deannalazaro4976]

Thank you for this video! Very informative. Would these strategies change at all if a child has hit/bit/pushed/or harmed someone (like a parent or sibling)?

[@dawnforlife]

Hey Deanna, I have a very strong willed toddler and yes all of these work but with a little more "help". My girl hit, scratches and bites but it is their way of trying to communicate something that we don't yet understand. Immediately going down to eye level and gently asking, "How can I help you? or What are you trying to tell me?" usually stops the continuous hurt (trying to get our attention), she will actually tell me what she needs in her gestures and sounds. I find, instead of saying "no." "stop" on repeat, which keeps her doing it, When I can't immediately get down to eye level I will try to calmly ask her to stop. That hurts, can you please stop? If she can't or she is in a frenzy of hurting, I will calmly bring her hands down and say "I won't let you scratch/hit, it hurts.". They key is say it and physically move her gently but firmly. IF I am able to do that, usually, it stops pretty fast. Hope that helps! 😊

[@jenaparsons]

@@dawnforlife Early childhood professor and special educator here and I just wanted to affirm that what you said here is exactly right. My only add would be before you ask “How can I help you?” to model an appropriate replacement behavior. When I want my son or a child in my class to say something specific I point to my mouth why I say it (sign for “say” in ASL). Then you’d model an age appropriate replacement behavior. Typically I’d start with “help please”. If the toddler is biting (and hurting) another child then I focus on first comforting the upset child and making sure they’re okay and feel safe and then directing the attention of the biter to the emotional response of the other child- “Look at Thomas. He’s crying. If hurt him when you bit. He feels sad and scared.” Then (depending on the body language and willingness of both children) I can use light hand-over-hand prompting to have help comfort the upset child by patting or rubbing their arm or back and say “I’m sorry Thomas. That really hurt.” Then give a real basic one sentence instruction on a replacement behavior the biter can use when frustrated, excited, angry, etc. And then I might end by getting the child who bit involved in helping to soothe the child whom they bit (for example, by bringing them a favorite toy, book, lovey, pacifier etc depending on the child, their age, and preferences). Definitely a gross generalization that depends on the severity of the injury and the emotional state of both children. Finally, it’s also important to note that a behavior can serve several different functions. It can be a sensory seeking behavior, a way to express anger, a way to express excitement, a way to get attention. The function, or root cause, of the behavior is going to dictate how you respond. For example, if the biting is sensory seeking in nature then directing the child to a more appropriate substitute object. An occupational therapist would be able to assess this and provide recommendations on chewy jewelry or other items made for this purpose. Hope that helps! Biting can be a difficult thing for both a child and parent because it tends to have a stigma. But it can get better and to a certain degree is developmentally typical.

[@erinplummer3232]

Love this! But how would you respond to a toddler that constantly says “NO” ?

[@HapaFamily]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/npzVqoiIe615bZo

[@cherryblossom0426]

😚❤️ have a great day all you lovely people dealing with toddler tantrums!

[@millybify]

Thanks so much! xx

[@simpaticode]

Just out of curiosity, if it's the toddler's natural behavior, should we not respect our own natural behavior?

[@lyndseydalton5156]

I struggle because when my child throws a bad tantrum, when I get down to her level, she tends to hit or hit at me. It’s hard to try to connect when I also feel like I need to correct the hitting or let her know it’s not ok to hit. She doesn’t want to hear it because she’s screaming.

[@moodneutral5781]

It may be more helpful to properly address and correct the hitting outside of the tantrum, at a time when she's calmed down. If she's hitting you, at the time you could possibly say something along the lines of "I can see you're feeling *blank* it's okay to feel that way, it's not okay to hit, I'm going to move my body away now, hitting hurts". Then at a time when she's calmer you can address it, be at her level, talk through with her some better ways that she can communicate her feelings with you.

[@RiftCipher]

Good info.

[@soulyogaelena6786]

Love your informations! What can I do when my toddler headbutts during a tantrum? And is it ok to give her some time to acclimatize to the change like going from the park to the car? - I know they don't understand the concept of time yet, but it seems to me that she understands this process of "finishing up" or "enjoying it one last moment".

[@joannestark3023]

Transitioning from one activity to the next so they know what's about to happen can help. "We have five minutes left here at the park. You can pick one or two more things you would like to do here," and then hold the boundary, warning them at three minutes and then again at one minute left. Good question about the headbutting.

[@vanessalopez4518]

I’m not a parent but I am a teacher. My approach is very much like what you have laid out here. I’m curious, if a parent has gone through this process and the child refuses to let the adult grab them by responding with kicking and punching, I would imagine it would be important for the adult to respectfully express to the child their own emotions. “It’s ok that you’re feeling upset but it’s not ok to hit and scream at ne. That makes me feel…” What do you think?

[@bahaykubofoodchannel3]

Well what if it's not what we think what they think

[@salma_Nella22]

It’s not. This advice isn’t for everyone. It’s always a good thing to try but a life without consequence is unrealistic

[@MaritsaDarman]

Lots of affection and helping identify emotions

[@ComeAsYouArePodcast.]

I love this!! With giving choices it is so amazing to see how much it helps. Sometimes I offer my son a couple choices like “do you want an apple?” He says “no!” “Do you want a banana?” & he’ll say “no! … yes!” Haha. Anyways, I would like to ask you about a course to get certified as a gentle parenting coach. I would really appreciate the information. Thank you!

[@happyheart9431]

Million thanks

[@yittih.5400]

Once you empathize and set the limit, do you continue repeating yourself if they still cry or scream?

[@privatechannel434]

thank you!

[@annak3515]

Love this video

[@parvygovil296]

Do you have an audio book of yours? I love what you share in the videos and heard that you launched a book sometime back.

[@claudiajade624]

This was great!