Has Grief Challenged Your Relationships?

I talk about relationships frequently with Grievers. Quite often we are disappointed in our supporters. Why and how does this happen?
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[@grieftherapist]

If you wish to explore more about your relationship with your Grief join the Grievolution Collective! www.jomcrogers.com/grievolution-collective.html

[@LisaFrancesJudd]

My Son has terminal brain cancer. He is 34. His cancer journey started in 2011 at age 20. Miraculously he went into remission for 13 years. Such a long time that we thought he might just beat this beast. In May this year (2024) it suddenly returned. My already broken heart broke again as I travelled interstate to help him get through treatments to prolong his life again. Anticipatory grief has become my life and again like the first time James got sick, people I believed would be there for me have gone away. No-one wants to be with the woman who will loose a child. Like you said I have become their worst nightmare. Being with me makes them think of their own potential losses and their own deaths. It’s a very lonely place to be. I do have counselling because I know as strong as I am that I need it. Finding joy is hard right now.

[@mjd716]

Almost three years out and I am still dealing with the thoughtlessness, abandonment and outright cruelty of supposed love ones every day. It’s exhausting, disappointing and devastating.

[@schawnettarobinson8584]

Yes!!!!!!! I feel so alone. People don’t care.

[@BUBBLESPOGO]

I am so sorry. May you find comfort and purpose in your life after loss, and may God give you peace.

[@BUBBLESPOGO]

A lot of people are one way and selfish. They know how to take, but when it's time for them to give, they disappear. FAIR weather friends.

[@rizvyzacky6056]

yes I am 3 years out and I too feel abandonment from those previously very close

[@MrCanuckDon]

When it comes to abandonment, I see there's a sixth reason and it's not a very nice one. Those around us basically keep their distance because they're too busy having good times in their lives. Their worlds didn't crash and shatter like ours. As of this writing, it's summertime...a time of fun and frolic in the sun...and us grievers are just too much of a wet blanket and "spoil sport" to their good time right now. They've still got their holidays and plans. And we aren't able to relate to their happy-go-luckiness anymore because we're in a totally different world and mindset. Sadly, I guess I can't blame or fault them for this. We laugh until we lose.

[@sripriyarao7238]

V apt... I can relate to each n every word since losing my father last yr to covid. No one bothers until ur own boat is rocked

[@elizabethford7562]

My goodness you nailed exactly how i feel about my son' passing

[@sripriyarao7238]

Absolutely right.... couldn't agree more

[@dellie683]

Exactly how i feel...

[@redbird8257]

Your words today are very true. I lost my beloved husband almost 9 months ago. My support system of friends and family who I thought would be there just disappeared. I’ve been extremely disappointed, hurt, and angered especially by my in-laws whom I’ve known and loved for 35 years. My BIL recently referred to me as his ex-SIL. Really? My husband died, I didn’t divorce him. I have found that the intensity of loss is too much for friends & family. Life goes on for them, but, we as grievers, are still struggling. Thank you for these videos, as they are genuinely helpful.

[@schawnettarobinson8584]

I feel the same way.

[@clairecooke6268]

I’ve had a similar experience with close friends and family disappointing me but people more on the fringes being absolute champions for me 🙏🙏 Contrary to your experience, in my case my in laws have been more supportive than my own brother. It is distressing & hurtful but I find some comfort that I’m not alone or losing my mind & others have also had this experience. I hope my shared experience can also give you some comfort.

[@jennifershort3104]

After my mother's funeral my siblings had to go back to their lives, their jobs, etc. I lived with my mom because I was her caregiver so I had nobody and no job to return to. All I had was a silent house and the palpable absence of my mother. I felt completely abandoned even though I understood why everyone scattered.

[@schawnettarobinson8584]

I understand: I’m so sorry.

[@jacquelinebrutus8297]

I completely understand. My mom passed away about two months now. My mom had breast cancer and decided not to get treatment. I was her caregiver for 4 years during her illness. After the funeral my siblings went back to their lives and I understand. I’m still going through so much emotionally. Some family members have turned their backs. Grieving is so hard.😢

[@etaylor728]

My husband died suddenly in 2022. I have been abandoned by long time friends with whom I thought I had a close relationship yet supported wonderfully by friends & neighbors who I thought fell into a more casual relationship. It's been very strange & discomforting & I'm finding it difficult in trusting & sharing my grief with people. On the positive side I have 5 wonderful daughters from our blended family who are phone call away for support, none live nearby.

[@clairecooke6268]

I’ve had a similar experience with close friends and family disappointing me but people more on the fringes being absolute champions for me 🙏🙏 It is distressing & hurtful but I find some comfort that I’m not alone or losing my mind & others have also had this experience. I hope my shared experience can also give you some comfort.

[@kathleenburke4728]

I lost my only daughter 6 months ago suddenly but after a lifelong disability that effected her health. Her dad and I divorced a long time ago but he was very active in her care. So together we seemed to always be talking. Now that she is gone…crickets. I know he is grieving too, but she lived with me. I was her care taker and want to talk about her. Also my brother (who loved my daughter so much) will come to my house but never speak about my daughter. The holidays are coming up and I want to run away from all of it because she was my reason for everything in my life. I was so proud of her. We got along so well even when she became very sick, frustrated and needed care we could some how laugh about lots of what was happening to her. I miss her so much. I have no feelings now…music, movies, art laughing all seem dulled and not worth the time. My twin sister keeps buying me little presents trying to “Fix it”. This cannot be fix. My heart is broken. I am alone in this.

[@thedood9403]

It was not a week ago I was telling one of the few friends I have left since my son's suicide that one of the biggest revelations to come to me has been that I am ultimately alone in navigating this.

[@TANTOMBOY8910]

Very much disappointing and hurtful the way my family has just expected me to move on and I’ve been told “It’s over I don’t get to use my son’s death as an excuse anymore”!

[@happygirl532]

That has happened with my two daughters, and recently when I was grieving about my Son Matthew, my oldest daughter said to me “ I put Matthew on a pedastal, and that she is here, it made me feel like she wasn’t honoring my feelings about losing my Son, very painful, now I don’t share anything with her anymore

[@elizabethford7562]

So sad that family does that to us

[@SunflowerEyes252]

Hi. 💜 I also grieve my youngest son's death. It has robbed me of my nurturing feelings quite a bit. I fear my other children have lost the mother they knew. I never want them to feel as though they are not enough, but I am definitely different now. 💪💜💌 it's so complicated. We can only try our best

[@reginaarnold]

It's the same for me. After my son died, my daughter got angry with me because I posted a tribute online for him in honor of his military service... Veterans Day. Everything is so complicated with her and I now... distant and superficial.

[@judithwallace2091]

Basically death just sucks.

[@grieftherapist]

Truth!!

[@teresaf221]

Really good video, I love your words of support and insight. My husband passed 16 mths ago. I want to honor him by keeping him alive, by talking about him and remembering the things he did etc. it seems that in my family and relationships they do not know what to respond to that so they don’t. I want to never forget him in my life or theirs even though I am making a new chapter in my life and doing well. It is frustrating for him to be erased in there’s but they did not love him or know him or miss him like I do.

[@schawnettarobinson8584]

My grief was tough. My financial situation was tied into my lost. I received judgment. It left me abandoned and depressed. I wanted and needed help: I wanted support. I’m so disappointed. How can I move on???

[@SeldaPharr-qf2lw]

Mam Jo thank you for all these messages,you mentioned exactly what I’ve going through ,I lost of husband for over 6 months ,you’ve been very helpful to me.Thank you very much.

[@janbrock7718]

Yes, going through now.

[@amritanurie4885]

Totally and completely relate to what you're saying.

[@juliesanchez2871]

Yes. You hit it on the nail .

[@librarylover6414]

Lost my 29 year old daughter a month ago. Sisters rarely call. So hurtful. Husband doesn’t like to hear me cry and says he cries alone. So isolating

[@candicebowden4123]

❤

[@michellebrill1910]

My husband been gone for 2 and A half months ago he was sick for along time my children don't have much to do with me I think two of our sons don't speak to me I feel they blame me Iam so sad and all alone help

[@sesvaoffice8331]

As always an interesting and thought provoking video. My experience is that until someone has lost a close loved one - in my case my partner - the depth of the pain and disruption to one's 'normal' daily emotional and mental functioning is completely incomprehensible to others. Also duration of that pain is incomprehensible. The person we were, that we projected, changes. So the people around us don't quite recognise us anymore - we become a type of stranger. someone else masquerading as us in our body. I can feel that 'stranger' in myself and am having difficulty understand this different me. II hope the light hearted irreverent me will re-emerge, one day.

[@lumity238]

In 2022 my husband of 48 years passed away,I'm still grieving and can't believe how hard it is to move on. My in laws just stopped contacting me, broke my heart. And my siblings sent me a sympathy card and nothing else ,like I'm suppose to go back to being myself. I'm a Widow and I'm sad ,I'm lonely, how am I going to move on. Your right people are afraid of me. I'm so sick of family and friends tell me it's going to get better, that is so not true . I feel angry and numb. I just want my heart to stop hurting.😢💔

[@gabrielchastain5241]

The other day was texting a “friend” and she made the cruel remark reinvent yourself and your Mom wasn’t going to last forever. I’m not asking for forever. If she had not shot herself she would still be here. My friend knows how I haven’t one else to talk People avoid me like the plaque And the only reason I think she is present is trying to get me to sell mom’s house to her. My mom passed away 6,months ago She tells me how , when, where to do things and she is just a friend not my wife. She has all grand plans of tearing the existing house down and build new if I would sell the property. She is 60 she has a nice house. With a husband and a daughter. Her parents are still alive most her whole family is still alive. She can’t possibly know what I’m going through.

[@joanneconte1942]

Fighting about money changes relationships

[@schawnettarobinson8584]

Lessons: people don’t care. I want to get my life on track. That’s all.

[@faithohara5230]

I lost my beautiful son to suicide. I don’t feel emotionally connected to my husband. Life feels yucky, dangerous, and scary.

[@DeniseSwain-p3g]

I could’ve written this myself word for word. Sorry for your pain.

[@judygrubaugh5424]

There was so much judgment. Why didn't we be more careful of Covid? A cousin shamed me socially for not believing as she did about the virus. My brothers stopped speaking to me. My neighbor decided I think about the past too much and wallow in self pity. Someone even said "Mama said there'd be days like these", as I shared the experience of life without my husband....as though it was my washer that broke and not my mate who died. These were so painful. I was able to extract myself from these relationships, as I was shocked by who these folks became when my strong persona got knocked out from under me. The message I got was "take your grief elsewhere". So I did. But these came as additional trauma at the time, grossly complicating my process and hurting me profoundly. It's a little like losing everyone at once.

[@BUBBLESPOGO]

Just remember. There was nothing there for you, so consider it no loss

[@craftygirl17]

Can you do some research on grieving an illness. I have diabetes, and I cry sometimes because I want my old life back, and the everyday managing this disease, can be exhausting and it can interfere with my life. I was told by a nurse once that I am grieving and no one gets it, that you do grieve what you had before the disease, the freedom to eat what you want, the freedom of spontaneity, because you have to time out your meals, I lost my freedom. I lost who I was.

[@felicitygrace5113]

Yes. There are many losses and grief is attached to them all. Loss of health is an inportant one and you are grieving your old you, and the good health you had before your diagnosis. It takes time to accept the new reality after this diagnosis. I would suggest reaching out to a therapist to help you navigate the emotional turmoil you feel due to your loss. Your feelings are normal and valid. ❤

[@along9971]

Thank you for your videos, both of my parents died over the last couple of years and even my counselor hasn't taught me what your videos have

[@julievalerio4439]

These words ring very true Jo.. it’s been just over a year and taking me time to be resentful angry sad disappointed and relieved and grateful in one day… I have more perspective now on whom I can rely, who is not comfortable or able to comfort me and is surprising. The few who have stepped up are those I am trying to focus on and others I have to try to not resent but with compassion leave at a distance in my expectations. You give perspective and I will use ‘this is grief’ talking that’s a good strategy. This is so hard and thank you for your wisdom and research presented so clearly

[@dtylice]

Thank you, Jo. Crickets. One phone call and a gift box within the first week. Then crickets. This from my husband’s oldest living friend. I realize that some of this is not knowing what to say. Fairly, I haven’t reached out.

[@maryannehaffner3294]

Thank you. I have an excellent support group of friends on one hand. On the other hand, there are people in my life who are clueless and have no idea what I am feeling. They seem not to care. Some of these people I am moving far away emotionally from them. I do not wish to see them. I am sticking with my supporters. They are a blessing to me. TY, Jo, for listening and supporting.

[@grieftherapist]

Supporters are gold!!

[@craftygirl17]

People were very cruel with my grief, no support at all. I think others think grief only should last a short time, or they don’t know what to say or do unfortunately, they don’t want to see you cry because your in so much pain and they have never seen you like this before, so it might spook them, and then you don’t here from them, and then the pandemic causes a lot of separation from one another. So then then your even more alone in your grief. I read it’s a human reaction to someone’s grief to not be there because they are not equipped to deal with it, in our western culture were to.d to “move on” it’s just not excepted to grieve to long, now with this new diagnosis Of Prolonged Grief disorder people will not be supported you get a diagnosis instead of proper support , or misunderstood. I think the DSM should stay out of grief there’s so many factors and personal things that go with grief, first the shock you go through when a loved one dies is really hard and I really think there is trauma to, and it can take years for the longing to subside and then when something happens in life that is so unbearable you wish you had that person here to go to for comfort so the grief shows up again and again. There is absolutely no timeline to grief, in the beginning of grief it’s heavy, then years pass it gets lighter then another person dies and then the grief of the first person who has passed resurfaces it’s an ongoing cycle. And people like friends and family just don’t get that part. I’ve gone through so many awful things my brain has not had a break. And no one to talk to because they just don’t want to listen or care, my nerves have had enough. So I stay quiet as my body tenses all the time because if I say how I feel it falls upon deaf ears.

[@carolmusselman8859]

I'm grieving and struggling too, my Mom died 5/1 and she was 88, I would like you to know you are not alone

[@craftygirl17]

@@carolmusselman8859 I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s a very hard process to do it alone, try grief counselling through hospice, when your ready, my mom passed, it will be 7 years in Nov. the pain is getting better but we’re just now in the process of selling her home and it’s been hard. We just lost my brother in-law in April, and my moms husband in Sept. so it’s been a lot of hard times. Selling my moms house is been a lot of stress, people came in to paint and did a terrible job so my brother is trying to get the money back ugh it’s been nothing but stress, on top of everything else. And knowing someone else will be in my moms home is a weird feeling. It’s hard to explain. Carol I know it’s very hard, I’m sending you big hugs. Sandy

[@elizabethford7562]

Amen to these truths you speak come here to jo rodgers and we will be listen and we will grieve together ❤

[@schawnettarobinson8584]

I’m unlovable. I didn’t receive the support I needed. I decided to go in isolation because I don’t want to continue to be a bother.

[@douglaswerts4936]

You say it takes years for the longing to subside. Six years after my soulmate diedi I feel a deep longing. For what? For the world filled with joy, laughter, wonder, serenity, indescribable closeness, a deep understanding, warmth, and so, so much kindness, caring and love. The world I live in now is muted, colours have lost the brilliance they once had and it feels so superficial and shallow. I know that’s my perspective but that’s how it feels. So I long to be back in the other beautiful world she showed me. As I sit quietly and go through our treasure chest of memories she feels close and I’m back in that world for a while. It soothes my soul. Someone once said that beautiful memories give us the power to gather roses in winter. It’s true, and I will never take the advice of others to “move on” or “ put the past in the past”. Past and present blend beautifully.

[@edwardianspice1]

So totally relate. I’m grieving the sudden death of my cat and my so called best friend told me off for crying. She just didn’t get it even though she’s lost cats. It’s blindsided me as it all happened so fast. I’ve broken the friendship because I feel like we are just not on the same page

[@thedood9403]

Spot on. My experiences have been much the same. Vexing is an understatement when applied here.

[@franceslunceford9501]

I'm definitely dealing with my husband who just know doing grief? Delaid grief. I feel like it's going too challenging my progress. He's disabled with bilor. Blinded and I'm the care taker. At I still taking care of him, my sister, my mother. I've always done this.. Daniel our son as been gone 9 months. I've have gotten so much from you and the short time.❤

[@helenmuller6437]

Thank you, this is so helpful. Sometimes I think, I am not normal in the way I'm grieving. I lost my husband suddenly 9 months ago. Friends, family and co workers seem to think I should be able to go on now. Or at least that is how I feel it. I feel I'm disappointing them, when I tell them that I'm not doing allright some days. That I'm not interested in distraction some days, and that it is still hard for me to come to terms with the sudden unexpected death of my much loved husband, friend and father of my children.

[@rori540]

Certainly can relate 😭 I’ve absolutely no one for the love & support I’m so desperate for whilst grieving the death of the love of my life 7mths ago. Anyone I do reach out to, only brush me off & seem disinterested, making me feel so very isolated & totally alone😢😢😢

[@rizvyzacky6056]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts .... you are spot on... whilst what caused the grief can be equated to an earthquake, the follow-up with existing close relationships is like the after tremors which are more devastating than the first

[@Otessa-j4u]

I do NOT think I know what the bottom line is that grief should happen to everyone else, but it is not supposed to happen to me. This is the main reason for lack of support. So long as grief is NOT happening to them they do not care. These days no one genuinely cares about another person pain, values have changed and not for the better. My late Husband Robert and I were and are not college or university graduates, yet my late Husband siblings believe we should die first, since we are inferior in education and not them. I was upset when my sister in law sent flowers for my birthday after my Husband died, and she never remembered to send anything for our wedding, my Husband would have enjoyed to see flowers. It like she was glad and celebrating my Husband death on my birthday, by the way my birthday did not mean a thing, since I do not have my Robert. Sending some coffee, etc would have been more practical or something to use to make life easier. My wedding to Robert and our once relationship, I make sure does not take second fiddle to no one. At senior center I isolate myself because I hate gossip and so that no one takes advantage of me being my Husband widow. Now that she does not have him, we can now use her, I do not subscribe to this, and most have children. My Husband and I did not have children, which does make a difference in widows and widowers those of us that grieve. This is only some of my story. I do have a GriefShare group I attend and we are starting again after the first of the year.

[@blakeharrison3972]

My wife lost her brother 2 years ago and I don’t know how to help support her

[@martaperosio7846]

I have 5 children of which 4 have a very cavalier attitude towards my grieving. If challenged they blame the only one who is providing me with support. So, in order not to brake the family apart, I have decided to keep them outside my close circle while being civil. It seems to help though not ideal but I assume they are grieving for their father too. I am starting to get better.

[@MADELENEC1]

NOBODY SUPPORTS MY GRIEF

[@susygibson5673]

I think everything you said has validation for me at some point. I'm trying to make a life and remain befuddled over who had stepped up and who has stayed away. A best friend appears to have stabbed me in the heart. She sent a text that said "sorry" but not acknowledging her statement. I have chosen not to respond back. She called left messages to call her, sends text pictures, if I post on FB she will also post, so I stopped posting. Previously she had problems with other people that would stop talking to her, really long term friends but she would always justify her actions...I would listen to her self -justifications...but now that she's done it to me I get it. I simply feel that I have nothing to say to her, nor do I want to expose myself to her abusive language. We've been friends for over 25 years, even had a business relationship which actually ended well, she has a serious personal problem and I think she just turned all her anger on me. This might just be one that as you say has ended. Because circumstances changed. The other things you mention have all happened to some degree. As to other friends today I was invited to lunch because I helped a friend sell her car. Another friend wants me to accompany her to a meeting. Again, with other people stepping up. Sorry to be so long.

[@grieftherapist]

Ne boundaries all around!

[@lindarheeder5978]

Thank you for this information! My husband died one year ago of covid, our only child, our daughter and I just can't find common ground to relate. She is an adult but her father was her preferred parent. I truly pray that in time we will be able to find some common ground to relate to each other as mother and daughter. Heartbreaking but true.

[@grieftherapist]

While a child's grief will always be different from a spouse's grief you are wise to look for some element of common ground.

[@lindarheeder5978]

@@Thomasfrohwitter thank you for your msg. Things are going better thank you, my daughter lives in her own space and so do I, so it works better. So appreciate your msg. Stay well

[@lindarheeder5978]

@@Thomasfrohwitter I'm so sorry for your loss, never easy, but thankfully us humans have a God-given resilience that makes us realize we too are still here and need to grab onto each precious moment! I am an editor so work online and love being freelance, so that goes a long way to keep me focused and learning something new all the time!

[@lindarheeder5978]

@@Thomasfrohwitter I love outdoors as well, and playing with watercolour paints! I was in Ohio not long ago on my 6 week journey back to myself. I was a student in the US long ago and went back on a journey of self discovery. I live in South Africa, but just loved being back in the US. And as they say in the classics...the world 🌎 is our oyster...

[@deborahlea5669]

Hi, everything you have said exactly mirrors my experience since my husband died 4 months ago. I got so fed up with the inappropriateness of most around me I for the most part stopped interacting and became a recluse. The selfish 'noise' of humans needed to be turned down. As circumstances change some relationships really do need to be dumped. I have found some good content on you tube beneficial. Thank you

[@deborahlea5669]

@@Thomasfrohwitter Hi Tom, thank you for your concern. I am feeling better than I was but I find social situations difficult. I am beginning to pick up threads of life like volunteer work that I do and this helps. Thank you. Hope you are OK?

[@scorchedgorse2649]

Thanks, Jo.

[@SunflowerEyes252]

I find many people tend to insist that I will feel better about my losses. Like its inevitable. This doesn't ring true.

[@DeniseSwain-p3g]

Lack of trust, being a burden, vulnerability. Just to name a few.

[@schawnettarobinson8584]

I’m a good person: I don’t understand all the disappointments. I want to be happy: I’m messy.

[@maryellenstankovich1511]

My sister can't accept the fact that my fiance has passed away. She claims she's too busy so she has no time to talk. Totally in denial. 😢😢

Thank you so much for this. I’m in a close relationship with someone who is grieving the loss of a child very recently and have been experiencing what you talked about. It’s very helpful and makes me feel a bit more at ease

[@tammygonzalez4144]

Thank you for this, I was just thinking that I don't know if I want my life as it is. I have a wonderful husband, my mom lives with us, and I care for her, but I just feel tired and want out. Thank you for letting me understand that this is grief talking and not me.

[@paulinecraig1327]

I lost my husband March 2022 I would love our only son to b closer 2 me he is so stress and angry in himself he shouts at me nearly everytime we c each other don't know what 2 do 😢

[@hestervanstaden6205]

Yes

[@craftygirl17]

So true

[@Terri-vi5qb]

The grief my sons and i experience after the suicide death of my husband, their father. My narcissistic husband's double life came to light, his girlfriend lied to him. And in his letter to me, said he couldn't live with himself, because of what he had done to me. Ruining my life. Infidelity through out our 38 year marriage. Now my sons are not talking to me. Blame me for their father's death. My heart is broken. Trying to heal with the help of 2 therapist. No family support. Suicide is not the answer!

[@Terri-vi5qb]

How does a family deal with the suicide death of a spouse / father!?