Healthy vs. Unhealthy Love

[@jodypixley6683]

That. Front row seat is terrifying as a mom ! It can make you actually PHYSICALLY sick as the addict ! You literally go thru a grieving process as if they have already died when the addiction is so long and so bad that they have become mentally ILL! I'm sure I have been every attachment style that exist ! All the phone calls I made asking how to get him help ,all the appointments we had at different docters was 0 information 12 years ago , It is a true blessing to have this channel available ! So much I did not know or understand over all the years , It has helped me greatly , it doesn't take. away the fears or the uglyness of addiction but helps so much in dealing and copeing stop being chaotic and not let the addict lead you around in circles , And so much more in these videos ! That slap on the face you need to catch your head lol

[@go5043]

I just wanted to say thank you so much! Because of your videos and your advice I was able to get my brother from active addiction into the beginning of recovery. I watched hours and hours of your videos, and for months had talks and tried to support my brother with all your advice. With your help and help from some family friends we we finally were able to get his walls to come down and to have him commit to doing a 90 day in patient program. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much your videos helped. Without your videos I would have never discovered the CRAFT method! I believe the CRAFT method + harm reduction are the two things that saved my brothers life. Thank you so much again.

[@Asher22222]

I’m a Probation Officer, and dealing with an addicted loved one of my own. I downloaded your nightly recovery worksheet and having been giving it to my probationers who are in recovery. I feel I’ve learned skills from you that I’ve been using at work. Just last week, a young man with a severe alcohol use disorder came in who thought he’d probably get arrested, who exhibited a lot of change talk and I really encouraged him and congratulated him on his 21 days of sobriety. Together, we worked on the start of his recovery plan. I’m so hopeful for him.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. You've made my heart to happy! 💖💖💖😃😃😃😁😁

[@Asher22222]

@@PutTheShovelDown What you have given me truly makes my heart happy. Regardless of what happens in my personal relationship, I’ll come through it and to the other side far more enlightened because of you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you Amber. ❤️❤️❤️

[@CindyCrawford-ky7os]

Honestly I consider this woman to be a gift from God bc I prayed for so long, was on the verge of giving up when I stumbled upon her. Personally I have been making all kinds of mistakes, didn't have the money for therapy, was literally falling thru the cracks, I will forever be appreciative, cannot express my gratitude enough. Her work is so much needed in this world, she restored my faith. Thank you ❤

[@ashleyszyszkowskiashspract7153]

This is such an important message!! Thank you for all the work you do and the down to Earth approach that makes it easy to follow 🥰

[@anthonyrossmaund3161]

I got a lot out of this. Destroyed my relationship in my marriage with my addiction, and now I'm not using, I'm self sabotaging in my life and relationships. I can't get away from myself or get myself from isolating so much. I have problems being outside my room. Thank you, I am learning more about myself here.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Anthony, I'm noticing a lot of negative self-talk in this comment. Take a look at these 3 sentences you wrote about yourself.... "I'm self sabotaging in my life and relationships. I can't get away from myself or get myself from isolating so much. I have problems being outside my room." I've noticed this pattern in some of your other comments as well. When you think these types of thoughts, you're accepting that these are truths about you, which is going to make it very difficult to break out of these types of patterns. Here's a healthier way of looking at it... "In the past, I've had a tendency of isolating and sometimes even sabotaging relationships, but I'm learning to do better and things are changing for me" . The revised thinking pattern acknowledges past tendencies but leaves room for a new future. The old way of thinking puts an overgeneralized label on yourself with no hope for anything else. We are constantly learning, changing, and growing. Just because we had certain behaviors in the past, doesn't mean it will be your future.

[@anthonyrossmaund3161]

Your right, I sat here and thought about what you said and I seem to do this a lot. It's the one thing that has diminished my potential. I'm working on this now and have been for quite some time. It's challenging to replace old thinking and behaviors than I thought. It's second nature to have this negative self view. I have come a long way from who I was. I often ruminate and catastersize on things going on in my life to the point that I get down and negative about myself. Recovery actually looks a lot easier than it is. I thought after a long stretch in prison I'd be ready for everything and anything that my addiction and mental illness could throw my way. Needless to say I'm overwhelmed. I'm starting to learn to cope better and change what I tell myself. Thanks you for pointing it out and calling me on it, I am gonna work on this more. I used to be so hooked on a lot of hard drugs and never dealt with any of the issues I had. Now I'm getting better at being sober and have to deal with all the feelings and emotions and the trauma I can't fog out anymore. Anyway thanks for your time. I appreciate all the help you have given me. I've learned a lot on your channel.

[@michelecrouse5284]

in my life I do a 3 piont check head heart and tummy. now dealing with it head on I have learned to 1st take a step back ......then only make a decisions......hold of for a day or 2 then check in with myself again.

[@tonibissett4570]

I have been married to an addict for 33 yrs. I have learned to detach and show empathy and kindness. Its not easy I admit but give it to your higher power.

[@SunShine-xs7ig]

Wow.how you've been able to go through this.my husband since two years is an addict. I can't take it anymore as there is no control over his going dont know where anytime.i must say you've been gifted with patience. I really can't take it anymore. Plz give me some advice on what can I do to control myself. Thanks.

[@TellYourStory]

Brilliant!

[@michelecrouse5284]

thank you very informative your content have helped Me alot to cope and gettingb him into treatment...... and looking inside yourself and you have to do the work too.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

💖💖💖

[@stephanielee8782]

Something I have been wondering about…. When your significant other is more loving/affectionate when they have been drinking…. Not as loving/affectionate when they haven’t had a drink yet…. Which do you believe is most accurate to their true feelings?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

The person isn't really themselves in either state. Before drinking they're in withdrawal which prohibits them from feeling anything positive. While drinking they're intoxicated.

[@musicisblood2636]

I think alcohol can bring out truth, or lies in a more exaggerated fashion. Depends.

[@TellYourStory]

I’m not sure either are true feelings. Mind altering substances block our ability to use mature healthy coping mechanisms to understand our feelings. Speaking from experience as an alcoholic, I had to rid my self of alcohol all together to emotionally mature.

[@timothee865]

So accurate

[@alamadakaratihy9312]

@@PutTheShovelDowniilio

[@KandyKoatedKrafts]

I appreciate all your help Amber! Thank you! 🦉🦉🦉🦉

[@robins3672]

Thank you for your videos Amber. They are very helpful. I recently left a 4 year relationship with an alcoholic. I noticed many of the behaviors you have described such as the lying, the selfishness, the blame shifting and the fight picking. He knows he has a problem but says it’s too late (that he’s too old) to get sober. Can you speak to the overlap of these behaviors with narcissist personality? I’m beginning to think that it may be NP and not just alcohol abuse. Is it common to see NP in addicts?

[@best._.vibess]

My boyfriend is an 40 years old alcoholic. Typically when is not drinking to much or not at all(for maximum of half to a full day)he is very good and the love of my life. But when drinks a lot turns in a monster and talk very bad things to me. He don’t want threatment or any help. I am loosing my mental health(moving to Portugal because of him, without any friends here and working from home). I don’t have the power to leave him yet. I hope for a mirracle 🙏🏼😢

[@vanessahunnewell4285]

Amber can you give more info on adopted kids and abandonment issues.

[@christyfallinger8716]

I love your channel.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Awww thanks Christy. I'm so glad it's helpful 😁

[@sianaespinoza2124]

My boyfriend is a year 1/2 sober but I feel like we still struggle with the constant lying about things that don’t need to be lied about. My boyfriend always says “I’m sober I’m good now” but he not so much to work on. what is the process after they are sober. How can they better their relationships and stop the lying and getting up set and how can I get over me not trusting him.

[@kayeanthony5467]

Hi I'm from Australia found your videos this mornning I have adult daughter with mental illness and substance abuse I'm finding myself enabling and want to stop don't know how to change pattersns

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Hi Kaye, Welcome to our little community. Here's a link to my playlist on Enabling vs. Helping. kzbin.info/www/bejne/gmHUmJWFpq94kJI

[@laurieriek6444]

As a parent with an addicted child how can u figure out how their a catchment disorder started. Or why it has occurred. Makes me feel like I did something wrong.

[@timothee865]

My wife began using again after rehab... she went in (for the 2nd time in 3 years) and I've been trying to hold on. We have a little girl together and I share 2 boys with her (she's their stepmother).. Is there any hope..... 😔 😟 🙁 😥 😢 😭

[@kathynugent8730]

there is always hope. it often takes more than one visit to rehab. it's a long process but as long as there is life in her, there is hope.

[@lindadunn8787]

👍 Very helpful.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Thanks Linda 😊Glad it was helpful!

[@natashawilson1861]

I really really really need some advice. Is there any way to email you? Or is there anyone I can talk to for advice? I'm having a baby in 4 days and her dad won't stop using, I don't know what to do

[@tracyjohnson3178]

How do you show an addicted teen with abandonment issues that you aren’t going to abandon them?

[@tonibissett4570]

I have question. Do addicts fear more about abandonment than non addicts

[@jodypixley6683]

I have seen when addicts are in early years of useing they do the abandoning ,Then when they have done alot of destruction in their behaviors and seeing all their loses and diveing back in deeper addiction they have terrible abandament issues and end up in horrible relationships just to have anyone in their life ,they think the person with them in their addiction must care about them . But anyone that gets in a relationship with an active addict when they start the relationship are actually useing the addict because they have their own unhealthy issues !

[@TellYourStory]

Depends, fear and anxiety go hand in hand when it comes to addiction. I’m sure any one who uses drugs or alcohol has a higher level of fear in this regard than the non-drinker or user.

[@cmmayo28544]

Yes it does take someone who used meth about 3 to 4 years to feel normal and even then not so normal especially if you hallucinated or heard voices or etc etc