High Guardian Spice dialogue Rewritten

Rule number 4: business lunch
Breaking this rule can lead to fines up to 100,000 high guardian spice tokens.
Dialogue in this show is terrible, so I thought I’d give it a rewrite.
Big thanks to Condensed Sam for voicing Rosemary
Part 1 link: • High Guardian Spice di...

[@clan741]

Man this rewrite practically changes these characters for the better. The teachers actually sound like teachers and Rosemary is a good balance of goofy instead of every sentence being the equivalent of “is sleep a food?”

[@endernightblade1958]

“is transgender a food?”

[@maxmercurythemm827]

"are conservatives a food?" -Abridged!Rosemary

[@NeoZhinzo]

"Took it off your desk while you were talking." Gave me a genuine chuckle.

[@starlight4065]

@@NeoZhinzo. Yeah same here 😄

[@DeathOfAnExecutionerr]

Theory: lavender asked caraway to go with her to be a bad guy.. thats why he knows so much

[@VainerCactus0]

Or Lavender knew Caraway would be the first person to ask inconvenient questions and try to find her, so even if Lavender was not supposed to tell Caraway about this presumably secret mission, she did anyway. If Caraway knows why Lavender is not around anymore, then there is no chance for accidental operational security breaches caused by Caraway going to search for Lavender. This would probably be something Lavender did of her own initiative and only told the Triad about later. (Better to ask for forgiveness than permission after all.)

[@NadiaMattson]

or shes like undercover who knows we dont even find out in the actual show and its not really made clear in this video how he interpreted it. but her secret mission could've also just been a cover up and caraway had to know cause he was basically her partner

[@Uta_Chandra.H]

Let me guess If a second season where to happen, the plot would reveal that Lavender was under some "Mind-control" fungus after a few missions with Caraway??

[@Melsurigan]

"Show, don't tell" would have gone a long way with making this show better. The photo alone told us enough about the teacher's identity for us to put two and two together; the actual conversation about it ruined the impact it had. As it stands, this rehash of the old scene tells us more about the setting than entire episodes, with an emphasis on the plural. Good job!

[@TroySpace]

It might have needed some minor telling, which could have been as simple as, "Oh, this was when you were still a girl huh?"* then Rosemary carries on without missing a beat. Of course in-universe they'd have a way of saying it, like "you were girl-type back then" and just let the audience figure it out.

[@nessa-parmentier]

Indeed, just having the photo on screen is a very strong hint, and most people who search for that kind of stuff would have noticed and made theories about it. And just like the comment above me said, if they wanted to emphasize it, a quick comment without derailing the entire conversation would have made it obvious without being obnoxious

[@QueenAleenaFan]

The scene you presented may not be perfected, but gave both characters conflict and attitude. Carroway being upset that his friend is gone and he didn't get to go with was pretty based.

[@VidelxSpopovich]

Oh the rewritten scene was leagues better than the original. I dare say I’d actually try watching the show based on what I’ve seen about four minutes into this video. Just that opening bit of reworked dialog immediately builds intrigue.

[@kyuubisgirl3232]

Not sure if it was intentional while picking screenshots but I love how the dialogue is focused on the important points but, while Rosemary is looking at the photo album, the photo of Caraway pre-transformation magic and Lavender is fully in view. That way an audience member paying attention could see that and remember it for when it comes up naturally in the talk with Snapdragon. If only this show had competent writers like you instead of diversity hires who self insert themselves and make up a show as they go along.

[@theuncalledfor]

I like the implication that follows from this: that Rosemary already knows that Caraway is trans, so she doesn't feel the need to ask and he doesn't feel the need to explain.

[@realdragon]

If that was the case I would have never picked up on this because when I watch my brain is kinda on plane mode and don't focus on details. There would have to be some environmental narration to naturally bring my attention to picture

[@aqualacerta3961]

​@@realdragonthen you would've learned it from the internet like every People that don't pay attention to détails. So what?

[@realdragon]

@@aqualacerta3961 That would be correct. If you assumed that I would I would be on around some HGS community however this is not always the case. Often I watch series or anime or whatever and that's it, I don't go further searching on the internet the content I just watched and I assume neither a lot of people

[@generikadeyo]

This really works if Caraway being trans is basically an open secret. Neither of the characters really need to drop important topics to explain it, but an attentive viewer would notice it. It then wouldn't be a surprise if another character casually brought it up later in the series.

[@MarxistMomentum]

Two videos, with a combined watch time of 55 minutes, in one day?!! But it's not Christmas.

[@neatoburrito7693]

This writing actually felt worth watching, and the bit about Rosemary grabbing the book while he was talking actually got a cackle out of me, which is more than I can say for, I think, anything in canon HGS

[@masscreationbroadcasts]

Two hours ago you were someone I've never seen in my entire life. You're currently in my top 5 of fiction writing channels.

[@snivy400]

I will say the only thing I would personally change is make it so Rosemary didn’t recognize Caraway and make it so she only knew caraway pre-transition so when she looks in the picture book she recognizes him there and says something like “Wait why do you have all these pictures of my mom with her partner? Are you related or something?” And caraway responds with something like “I was wondering when you’d finally recognize me.” “Wait, you’re the same person? But you’re a…” “It’s a long story, but anyway…” And that brings the conversation to Lavender as Rose would get excited to see an old face again. This way we still get the explicit trans confirmation without completely derailing everything. Every other change you made was great tho

[@Littlepup93]

On one hand, sure, but on the other Caraway seems to have been transitioned for a while, longer than Rosemary was alive at least. It feels weird to me at least to change when he transitioned. Even though it was a divergence, the set up for the trans conversation wasn't completely terrible, just not the point of the conversation. If we were following this format where Rosemary is trying to not talk about Everything Hour and Caraway is trying not to talk about Lavender, then it could make a little more sense as another attempt to Segway off track before Caraway shuts it down again. That being said, there are so many better ways of letting the audience know that Caraway is trans. i.e. actually showing him picking up his potions (still don't know how I feel about temporary transformation magic that needs to be re-upped every month to keep it going), having a colleague giving him a hard time, or reaching out to Snapdragon in some fashion.

[@yoseisovereign6728]

Rosemary is SO much better here! Caraway is also more interesting and the conversation better constructed, but I kind of miss his upbeat vibes. I wonder if there’s a way to take your idea but weave that aspect back in.

[@legrandluan]

i guess the fact hes colder here is due to him keeping a secret, but i see what you mean

[@condensed_sam]

I think changing up line delivery could incorporate more of that verve in his lines. Not to mention his dialogue/the general conversation is written more sombre here, so that could've toned down the lighter mood.

[@sonicroze]

The rewrite has this as more of a serious scene and Caraway is the adult in the room. I doubt he'd be this dour in the long term of the show. Just mainly this scene. He's playing career councilor with someone constantly trying to derail it.

[@Thedarkbunnyrabbit]

@@sonicroze In fact, writing Caroway as upbeat and open most of the time would make this closed off, dour behavior stand out even more to signal to the audience something is off here.

[@Calbeck]

Wow. This is actually a compelling scene without changing their characters at all.

[@aridotdoes]

7 MINUTES IN AND THE WRITING QUALITYYY

[@ryanleatigaga7596]

I got bored, so here's my attempt at recreating the dialogue so it sounds like a human being actually wrote it. Rosemary enters Caroway's office. In it are trinkets that are that of a well-traveled adventurer. She looks at them like she's in a museum, careful not to break anything. The idea of what her discipline would be for Everything Hours gnawed at her like a squirrel chewing an acorn. "Whoa...Professor, these were all from your adventures? No wonder my cousin called you the Arcane Antiquarian." Caroway looks away from his book. "I see your cousin has a sense of humor...but yes, I never leave a place without a souvenir. Brings back memories easier." Speaking of memories, Rosemary quickly glances at a picture atop a shelf to her right. A picture of a young girl next to...her mother? "Professor, you knew my mom?" "Y-yes, I did! Her and I were close friends. I was a timid, studious child, and she brought a wind of independence and energy...oh, so much energy." The memories coming towards Caroway felt like a migraine, much like how young Rosemary felt sometimes in his youth. "What was her discipline? She was, like, good at everything, and I'd thought it would rub off on me..." an expression of worry is painted on Rosemary's face. He briefly rubs the bridge of his nose. "No one is innately good at subjects. It takes time for newly hatched birds to fly, and it takes time for young women like you to find out what you're good at. A team is like a well-oiled machine. Everyone contributes something, and one gear out of place, or two gears of the same shape without synergy can make the team go kaput. If you ask me, I'd stick with martial arts. Some classes, such as bards, for example, know some form of self-defense. Besides, you never know when your sword will break-" Caroway spots the broken gem on Rosemary's sword's pommel. "You broke your sword?!" Caroway asked fervently. "I-it was an accident! I didn't expect it to break that easily!" "Young lady, that sword belonged to a great warrior, and you're swinging it with abandon like it's some sort of toy!" Caroway then used some partial repair magic to fix Rosemary's pommel. "Let it be clear that this is the only time I will repair your sword. Please, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT treat a weapon, ANY weapon, like a toy." Caroway scolded to the student. "...Do you know where my mom is? Or, if she's still alive?" Rosemary earnestly asked her superior. "She's alive." "How are you so sure of that?" "She's a tough woman. She once walked through a battlefield with several arrows in her back carrying two injured civilians. She's built like a fortress, I tell you." Rosemary thanks Caroway for the talk, only to immediately run back to him once she remembers the very thing she wanted to talk about in the first place. "You think there are still some spots open for Basic Self-Defense?" "Honestly, with your bravado, I think you could do well in the Advanced Self-Defense course. Turn in your forms by the end of the day and I'll let you know." "Thanks, professor!" The scattering of feet echoes through the walls. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She's Rosemary's splitting image..." I'd like to know you guys' thoughts!

[@JasmineAmorFlores]

》Oo, okay. Here's my thought. For what I've read your own re-write. - It seems that Caraway is more likely not hesitant to tell Rosemary that her mother is still alive. And I do actually like the way Caraway scolded Rosemary for breaking the sword accidentally. Making it show that the sword is important, not just because it belonged to a great warrior. But it also seemed that it had greater power in it. • My opinion: - I didn't really agree with Caraway for being a bit too showy to Rosemary about her mother (for example: saying that her mother is alive). I would like it if the re-write was an example of 'show, don't tell'. - But.. I do actually like the personality of Caraway and Rosemary. You make it that Rosemary is curious, while Caraway was saying the importance of what she wants to be as a beginner guardian or training to be a guardian. And Caraway says his own opinion. (And that's all I got to say! Thanks!)

[@ryanleatigaga7596]

@@JasmineAmorFlores Thank you for your feedback! I really do appreciate it!

[@Luminous_1700]

You did a great job rewriting this. This is basically a fanfic and i love it! I'd love to see more.

[@khiclark31]

If you could just rewrite the 1st season and then do a season 2 to wrap up the series that would be great.

[@imnotahipster3707]

I was way more engaged with the rewrite. Do more pls

[@selfiestick1589]

Id actually pay to see (or read) this story if it was all writen like this

[@HamiltonIsLife]

This is so good, I want so badly to like this show, it’s a cute and fun premise :(

[@TindraSan]

the editing here was very well paced, when the back-and-forth speeded up and got more confrontational with Rosemary cutting off Caraway n vice versa I could actually feel my heart rate go up, the tension just raised in a way that it made me anxious and fully focused on the scene

[@Haunted_Plush]

I was actually invested in the characters wow

[@jacksonconnell]

I am in love with this rewritten work. I’m a writer who really desires the idea of showing not telling in my writing, and even though I’m no script writer, this dialogue was on point. It felt of the kind of dialogue I heard from shows I grew up with and still love today like Teen Titans (the original, obviously) and Avatar: the Last Airbender. This was just perfect and would make me watch the show if the writing - and every other mistake - was just as equally good to this 👏🏾

[@robertb7293]

I think Lavender having to steal Carroways album instead of being given it also validates the later scene with Snapdragon way better as well. While the Snapdragon scene comes close to being good writing, a long stare into the fridge made me realise that OG Carroway is straight up wrong about people questioning his gender. It never happens, even when he throws old photos at people and launches into a wiki page on alchemical transition. It's way too easy to interpret the exchange as someone in a position of privileged immunity draining victimhood points off of someone who is actually suffering. Making GHQ Carroway hesitant about scrutiny, makes his response to Snapdragon actually land solid as the 'me too kid' it was surely meant to be.

[@kazumakiryu2460]

I would love to see your version of this show get reanimated

[@TwilightWolf032]

That's pretty good dialogue! If the dialogue in this show was like that, it would have excused the art style and piss poor quality control! Rosemary shows how stubborn and single minded she is, Caraway tries to keep her on track and shows reservations when talking about why he isn't with his best friend, it's Rosemary who shows signs of disbelief that her mother is still alive, and it's all framed in the Everything Hours conundrum she's facing right now. That is really good!

[@hazenwalterstroud7245]

This makes me so sad. HGS could have had a great story with a little refinement and direction! (Okay, maybe a LOT of refinement and more strict direction) Wish somebody would pick up Dave's version. Hell, with the amount of thought he puts into the analysis alone he could probably even tie in the Scarborough Fair theme the original arbitrarily had.

[@NessWithABeard]

I do admit that since Rosemary is a hungry little gremlin, she might be good team cook material.

[@Ultra_DuDu]

You know why? Because the original writer wanted so much to mention that the teacher is trans in that scene I would have introduced a bit of dialogue like : - You looked sooooo cute! - Thanks... but it was a bit uncomfortable. And because you don't mention just having to take a potion once a month you can change his answer to Snapdragon to something like : - Aha! That is because I put in the efforts. Which I think is more positively relatable. On one hand it shows that he is clearly not a victim of peoples questioning his virility (anymore) and on the other since it implies that he succeeded in his struggle he could been seen as a better source of inspiration.

[@internetescapee7950]

I actually think it would be interesting if Rosemary were to choose stealth instead for everything hours, because it’s inhancing her own talent instead of her mother’s. But maybe she wants to join weapons enchantment because she wants to be like her mother and instead learns to be her own Guardian, not her mom. And Carraway eventually helps her come to this conclusion because it’s his job. Parsley taking weapons enchantment makes sense and helps be a stronger member of their group.

[@PaperjamDip]

what the fuck i was so invested

[@joefire567]

If Raye were smart, they'd have hired you.

[@mrboogerlip]

The whole time I was so confused at the mention of Rosemary's brother because I completely forgot that she had a brother

[@BrownGaijin]

17:51 Stick! Stick good!

[@chuchupoppy]

I'm so mad. I specifically watched the first one & went, "Well, for a kid's show, this doesn't seem so bad," (I had never heard of this before,) & then you explained in that video that it is NOT a kid's show, &then I watch THIS & this dialogue is fucking GOOD. MAD. why is the original So Bad

[@BrownGaijin]

Carroway's excuse is better than Obi-Wan's excuse in Return of the Jedi tbh. Gj.

[@amagi4169]

i like profesor caraway being a man

[@agent9149]

Sorry but this is a bit cowardly. The purpose of the scene was to explain to the audience that Carraway was transgender and explain a bit about his character. You didn't fix the dialogue's problem, you just ignored the problem. A real improved scene would keep that but do it in a way that was more natural and less clunky and robotic.

[@spidertoes28]

I know that this is late but no, the point of the original scene wasn’t meant to explain that Carraway was transgender. It was supposed to be about Everything Hours. The conversation just gets derailed because of the topic. Plus, this scene explains actually important information, such as the mysterious disappearance of Lavender. Also the original scene didn’t need to explain what being transgender meant, because the audience would already know what it means, as well as Rosemary living in a world where being transgender is so common that there’s a field of magic dedicated to it.

[@titrimetry]

I watched this video a few days ago and still feel that I'm highly interested and wanna know what will happen next, after your version of this dialoque. That's why I still eagerly watch each of your videos: I feel that HGS could be something much more interesting with all the love of the creators of this show. If only a drop more of effort had been invested

[@Darnactheduck]

IMO the "I'm transgender" original scene is out of place and would have been way more better for Snap dragon. But apparently this scene was supposed to be a reflexion of the creator's self inserts (Rosemary is his younger self vs. Caraway his current self) and thought it was "poetic" but since the average viewer doesn't have any context its' a waste of time.

[@ENJERUNEbutLIVE]

Its so strange seeing these characters have a conversation that actually sounds natural. It almost feels like you doubled their IQ, specially for Rosemary. This honestly makes me wish some team just remade this entire show, or at least the writting, maybe in the form of a fanfic book or a slideshow, this conversation its so intriguing and i want to see more. Knowing that the actual show doesnt actually go anywhere with this makes me sad

[@NeoZhinzo]

Specifically this Rose strikes as a bit of a savant. She can pick up on minor details in conversation and is skilled enough to sneak something from under an even more skilled guardian's nose pretty much in plain sight by capitalizing on a minor lapse in focus. Basically, this Rose has a very keen awareness to tiny things or moments, and enough finesse to act on it.

[@crumpscrumbs]

I'd also be interested in a fanfic book of this show re-done.

[@ENJERUNEbutLIVE]

​@@crumpscrumbsyeah, pretty much any form of media could do. I just want this story to be told in a way that it's worth reading

[@lunarrobot9714]

I know it was a joke, but the fact she was able to sneak that book off of Caraways desk so easily without him noticing means that Rosmary actually has a hidden talent for being stealthy. She snuck past a highly trained gaurdian quickly and slilently without tipping him off in his own office without any distractions. I don't think Rosmary understands how impressive that is. She could've stollen anything in that office and he wouldn't have noticed until she'd already left the room. And that would've been an interesting talent for her to specialize in because it's a skill that's exactly the opposite of what she's trying to emulate. Proving that she can be teriffiigly effective when she's not trying to be exactly like her mother.

[@schwarzerritter5724]

Yes, I was surprised that did not come up in the rewrite.

[@TuesdaysArt]

Very good point!

[@sleepytrina7653]

Woah it could’ve become great material for character development for her as well!! It could’ve been throughout the series where she starts to learn that she doesn’t have to copy her mother exactly to be a good guardian and the fact that being strong physically isn’t all there is to being a guardian and learns what her actual strengths are and utilizing them effectively, maturing Rosemary in the process.

[@raipe125]

​@@sleepytrina7653she becoming rogue ???awrsome

[@TheSoulCalledZuzia]

I LOVE IT

[@tinycrimester]

"well, why don't you write a better scene, smartass?" "ok i will..."

[@giorgiapetrei5421]

Something important that I've learned in theater class: the audience is going to get bored and lose focus on what the characters are saying IF they stay in the same position for too long and do nothing. Sometimes, when you have a dialog, it's better to make the characters do some activity. In this case, Caraway and Rosemary have a long dialog and while what they're saying it's interesting and important for the plot, they are sitting on armchairs, not doing anything but talking, so the audience listening might get bored. I think changing frames is a good idea to keep the focus, but I'd also have them do something, like Rosemary sneaking to grab the photobook. (I'm not saying that Dave should re-animate the scene 😂 just a thought I had)

[@hafirenggayuda]

This is why movie/series usually throw "flashback scenes" or "collage" tricks to make people not bored and still paying attention. Even in Bojack episode, "Free Churro" (longest monologue that I know) still employ many movements and different camera angle to not making it feel static

[@BobMcBobJr]

I've seen exactly one scene that uses this to it's advantage (and I can't remember what movie it was from) that uses this to it's advantage. The two main characters were ... sitting on armchairs talking but, after a bit, things started happening in the background, plot important things but things that you needed to piece together what was actually happening. The "boringness" of the shot was used to draw attention away from the main characters and to the rest of the shot without altogether encouraging you to ignore the characters talking as they were still in center-focus.

[@RuyVuusen]

​​@@BobMcBobJrWhere was that (or what kind of a movie if you don't remember the name)? It sounds kinda interesting.

[@AccuracyKa]

One point of further improvement is to put the "Lavender + pre-trans Caraway" photo when he said "we did almost everything together as kids", and put "Lavender + trans Caraway in front of a dead manticore" photo when he said "and we went on almost every mission as adults". This way can not only give the audience something to look at, prove at least there are some truth to his words, and give a subtle clue on Caraway being trans.

[@giorgiapetrei5421]

@@AccuracyKa A clever example of "show, don't tell"? That's too much for High Guardian Spice! Lower your standards, my friend.

[@TroySpace]

"Is exposition a food?" Also, this dialogue more accurately captures how 14 year-olds act - especially troublesome types like Rosemary. "I was just kidding, Caraway." Kudos to your VA for Rosemary here.

[@ckk2087]

NO NOW YOU MADE ME INVESTED IN A NONEXISTANT VERSION OF HGS 😭

[@thomasbailey5504]

Youve accomplished more in one scene than a "professional" studio did in a whole season. I would have actually gave this version of HGS a shot. Also, I appreciate these scene breakdowns. I want to improve as a writer and these videos are great brain food.

[@TisPopRock]

When you revealed the 4th rule my mind was blown. It was like a perfectly executed plot twist where everything suddenly made sense. Great job on the rewrite, I really like this version of the show so much more!

[@RuyVuusen]

Yeah, who knew adding actual depth to characters is a great idea?

[@nessa-parmentier]

I really recognized that something was wrong in the dialogue and Caraway was actively trying to hide something, but what exactly didn't occur to me (although I did have a few ideas, I didn't *know* if any of these were right) So yeah, that's some good stuff there

[@superchargedmvp2984]

And then Rosemary says "You don't understand, Caraway, I am the High Guardian Spice."

[@FallenAngel7538]

And then she highguardianspiced all over the office

[@kristenbloomstarlitduckstu7909]

Wow! This exchange is more interesting, more engaging, more entertaining, and more well-put together than EVERYTHING I've seen from this show! Kudos!

[@alexandrews6256]

Y'know, with this set up we could actually have a throwaway line about how Caraway was interested in potions for his free time, or use a visual to show Caraway has hermaphrodite creatures, such as frogs or clown fish, or maybe even their own fantasy creature that's known to change itself from being in a male to female form or vise versa. You know, subtlety, I think it'd still be a good thing for Caraway to be transgender, and a way to do that is through having subtle implications about his activities through creatures he'd be interested by, or even choices he'd make as a guardian when he was just learning, You know, character and world building. This is primarily a product of hindsight, however even without it the product still could've been better with a more diverse writing team with more experienced writers... no I'm not saying they can't still all be woman, just find actually experience and published women writers, mental, not physical diversity

[@Netro1992]

That's what gets me the most. There are a ton of excellent female writers available, but these are the women they could get? And if it turns out that the issue wasn't them but raye, where are the producers to get things back on track and get raye to trust their crew? If feels like they wanted to justify scrapping the bottom of the barrel and they all being women was the best they could come up with.

[@naolucillerandom5280]

​@@Netro1992 I don't dislike Raye as a person, but why would they leave someone so clearly unprepared in charge of an animation team? 😓 If you glance at the behind the scenes, it was a mess because the head creator and director was inexperienced and immature, and was given the job even when his concept wasn't developed enough. Raye had no idea how to write (storytelling) or how run a team, and that's how they managed to burn through their budget immediately, mismanagement and trying to fix avoidable mistakes. And you can see the result.

[@Netro1992]

@@naolucillerandom5280 I can't recall which reviewer it was but I think they put it best: "The main thing that HGS lacks, for which all other lacks could be forgiven if it was includes, is that of a clear and define vision of what it wants to be and what it wants its audience to ge out from it, and that is a flaw no amount of money or time would have fixed."

[@maidenhalfmoon1170]

Incredible how a few changes makes the lore far more interesting

[@mpd1732]

Could really feel the tension ramping up in this scene rewrite, kudos to that! Well done, especially to the voice talent!

[@hydrashade1851]

as a trans/genderfaun person, i noticed that Caraway being transgender never came up in this new conversation. that just shows how fucking out of place and meaningless it was in the original.

[@wilczus222]

Genderfaun xD

[@nessa-parmentier]

Yeah, it wouldn't stop from talking about it if they wanted, but in that specific scene it's completely irrelevant and you can just skip it to focus on the actual plot

[@frankwest5388]

Kind of a general difficulty for writing trans characters in general. Since it is so deeply tied to someone’s non visual identity it becomes very hard to non verbally portray that information. Which forces a writer to go out of their way to say that a character is trans. There rarely is a good time to bring it up unless the story/scene is explicitly about transnes. One can’t really show a trans character and have people just assume they are trans, especially if they are passing. And if they are none passing people will usually be understood as either a girl in guys clothing (something modern society doesn’t see out of the ordinary too much and is usually more an indication of them being a headstrong or ambitious woman) or a guy in woman’s clothing (not wildly socially accepted but seen more as a weird guy rather than a trans woman). It isn’t like gay people where you can just introduce their gay romantic partner or use traditional romantic coding on the same sex to show gayness. Not saying trans people shouldn’t be represented in media just that it is extra hard to make introduce the idea naturally

[@rainyroadgirl]

@@wilczus222 The term genderfaun refers to someone with a fluid gender that is never feminine, female, or female aligned. The person may or may not be able to identify their genders further. It is a gender fluid identity that may include a wide range of genders but never female-aligned genders.

[@yokai1235]

​@@frankwest5388the main reason is trans is a bad character trait or a flaw and as such a good writing needs to make characters want to hide such traits or want to overcome said flaws you cannot make a good trans character because because the only good way to write a trans character is either the characters face he or her transgenderism and is a desconstruction of transgender or the character hides the fact is trans and never tell because it's character flaw and is not important for the story

[@owonapikins]

This rewrite has somehow actually made me interested in Rose, Caraway, and Lavender. And it's only like- 5 minutes long. If only we had a whole show that had competent writing like this. I might have actually wanted to watch it

[@frankielovejoy9928]

I would actually love to see him do an "abridged" series for this show, but instead of it being a joke, he actually creates a whole new narrative for us to follow.

[@Jfrti]

It's sad to see the lost potential that HGS had, very few writers get their own animation let alone a whole series. HGS had (some) good ideas but terrible execution and a lack of vision. You can change stuff around and make the show bearable but is it gonna be the same anymore? Hopefully people understand how to write better thanks to people like you!

[@47ratsinahoodie]

Manipulative Caraway is my new favorite Caraway. Well, first favorite Caraway, I never really liked anyone in this show aside from Amaryllis.

[@VainerCactus0]

This is a lot cleaner and neater than the actual crunchyroll dialogue.

[@LWolf12]

Now I want to see where the rest of that story goes. It's far more interesting.

[@ENJERUNEbutLIVE]

I just got an idea. With this change you made that Rosemary already knows Caraway, i think the transgender narrative could actually work. Maybe Rose did knew about Caraway, maybe he was very famous when he was a woman, but since he transition not many people actually know its the same person, so thats why people and Rosemary specially dont really know this guy was the same companion for that "legendary" hero Lavander. So it could be revealed that Caraway was trans in a way that rosemary exclaimed something like "wait, it was you all along??" I think this would make it very clear and explicit that Caraway is trans, but also could actually fit the story and not feel out of place

[@LeonReal77]

I would've actually made Rose's extracurricular cooking. Not just beacuse she likes to eat, but also because it would show similar interests to her father.

[@Tioko]

Actually, yeah, and food also could give buffs or help restore mana or something. To give it more utility than just keeping the party well-fed.

[@kalalastradioto5096]

I had the same thought, but I think part of the appeal of her choice being weapon enchantment IS that it's not the best choice for her! There's another comment somewhere that mentioned how impressive it is that Rose could steal something from under Carroway's nose like she did, which also would have made a really cool and interesting focus-- but the fact that she's so hung up on emulating her mother means that anything outside of that scope is meaningless to her! it sets a really good foundation for what her priorities are and how they might change along the rest of the story as she matures beyond her mother's shadow

[@rhesh2440]

HGS and RWBY share a common theme, and that is a premise we all want to write ourselves in. A group of friends in a magical world taking on all sorts of villains, backstories and drama. The difference is RWBY is still very much Monty's legacy. Its focus is (or should be) the awesome fight scenes and animation and less the story. Not many people can take that up. HGS meanwhile is so bad in everything (dialogue, animation, story) that most sane people wouldn't think twice about rewriting it for the better. You did a good job, and I am oddly invested in HGS specifically because of your amazing rewrites turning it into a compelling adventure-fantasy. The setup and potential is there. It just plain sucks.

[@jmaster4941]

You can tell the people behind HGS had no idea what they were actually doing and just wanted to copy Hogwarts, Naruto, MHA, and RWBY. Heck, the main four feel like semi-clones of the RWBY team. Rosemary is the spunky MC with a missing mother like Ruby but dumber (somehow). Sage is the high-class mage like Weiss but even more arrogant. Thyme is the aloof non-human character like Blake but even less caring. Parsley is the blonde tomboy muscle girl big sister like Yang but boring. It's so blatant it's sad.

[@axemaster8331]

@@jmaster4941 To be fair, RWBY isn't the best show either

[@LuckEoneYT]

I really like how Caraway is actually acting like a teacher and how we get to know more about lavender through their conversation without flat-out saying the obvious. Also although Rosemary still has her goofy and absent-minded personality, she’s not an idiot. She asks important questions and takes hints from Caraways Dialoge. I actually was very interested in this fixed version and if the actual show was this good I’d be more invested in it. Now this is how you write a show!

[@BenedictBlue682]

dont get me wrong, this show does just about everything you xhouldnt do to make a good show, but not gonna lie, caraway is positively ROCKIN that coat.

[@Asodym]

Listening to this made me wanna cry; it's just so validating to listen to this having watched the show and see all that can be done right, using HGS as a skeleton. I wanna try using case studies like this to improve my own writing and my main takeaway on a first watch is how dialogue can be used as a form of conflict.

[@tylerweaver8720]

I know this is a massive ask, but if you’re considering ideas for what to do post hgs abridged, could you rewrite the whole show just like this? Your writing is awesome and I’d love to see what you could do with each episode. I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but I really think hgs had potential and with all hours you’ve spent watching it, you might be the guy that can unlock it. Hope you think about my suggestion. Sincerely, A fan

[@maxiwright1411]

I wish he did, I know a guy who is making a rewrite of an anime and that would be such an entretaining thing to watch

[@chekhovs_gundam]

i'm genuinely impressed by how well paced the dialogue here is, and i especially loved how you described the thought process behind it and how it might pay off later. love the fact that you decided to work within constraints of the scene. it's genuinely great writing advice! kudos!

[@sailoranime289]

You just gave me flashbacks to my high school film class about writing appropriate dialogue between characters to set the right scene. I'm pretty sure my teacher would have passed you for this. This is a perfect example of Storytelling. If only the real writers had the brains to do the show like this I would watch it regularly.

[@GretgorPooper]

You know your writing team is a mess when the community has to do their job for them. I really like your rewritten version of this scene.

[@enderknighthuy5044]

The magic of good writing is hypnotizing, you dont even need good visual to make such an interesting conversation. The writing is not shakespeare level but I can see a lot of dedication to every lines and detail, just one scene and it explained the character even more than the original

[@Wariorulesbaby]

i like your example of improved dialogue. kept me engaged.

[@NoodleGuyZen]

I'd pay gold to see this man rewrite the entire show

[@WH40KHero]

I think your rewrite is beautiful. It has everything dialoge needs: It has character development, it has conflict, it has drama, it has some exposition baked into it, and nothing said or done is pointless or out of character; if anything it gives a deeper insight into the characters, as Caraway is shown to be very professional, yet very caring and maybe even vulnerable underneath his shell, as he cares a lot about Lavender and, even though he tries not to he slips up several times and lets his worry for her shine through. Yet this doesnt stop him from wanting to be a teacher to Rose, even if he wishes to avoid her and by extension talking about why his best friend disappeared. From this dialoge alone i get an entire characterisation of his, which is fantastic. This is LEAGUES better then the original writing.

[@backajeno]

Holy crap, Lois, double video 🎉❤

[@Treasure_hunter_21]

Now that's a proper scene with actual characters instead 2d cardboard cutouts. 🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@GreenVikeenArt]

As someone who struggles with writing dialogues, thanks for this video, very informative!

[@isabelbimberg1342]

this video proves a hunch i've had for a while, that if the script for this show were written better, i would really, REALLY like it

[@ShadowWolfRising]

"Or I'd ended up make the show I want, Lord knows I want to." Do it. Do iiiiiiiiiiiit.

[@Chimly_Stonefoot]

I was gonna type let’s go to red lobster or something in response to rule number 4, to show how cool it was I got the reference but then you showed it at the end anyway 😅

[@zm8843]

I know it's not perfect but it's close enough, I wish I could write like this

[@Imthebrain]

The most goofy show of all times

[@kingpin1498]

I honestly think that his voice fits Caraway better, makes him sound more mature

[@kittyS2490]

This reminds of when, right after watching a few vids on people talking about HGS, I cracked open my sketchbook and tried to redesign most of what the show lacked. I started with a full overhaul of the main 4, (with Herb names) and then got to designing the Villain (who was created due to an accident involving both new magic and old magic.) before I set the sketchbook away and completely forgot about it 😅

[@masteryoraerasante]

Hearing you explanation even changes how I see your scene. On fist watch I thought they just had a falling out, or rather Caraway had a falling out because he felt Lavender was looking down on him and taking his friendship for granted, but that paused showed that despite that her disappearence he still wortied about her. Also the question about her being alone or nor would point about an extra salt in the would about her either ignoring he could help her or going with someone else.

[@dimwarlock]

OK, OK, OK... I know about writing, I've been studying it for years, I've done rewrites of bad stuff as an exercize, but is refreshing to watch someone else do it and hear their reasoning, lately I've felt that my writing is a little bland and stale, so this served to remind myself of the things I should be thinking of when writing heavy character scenes with a lot of interchanges and bouncing off.

[@10thletter40]

Very well-presented, Im convinced honestly and it is MUCH better than the og

[@longtsun8286]

I applaud your skills and efforts. You invested more into this scene, than anyone who actually worked on the series.

[@tribacioustee2846]

I enjoyed this rewrite so much I forgot it was constructive fanfiction.

[@Polxzaw]

That's actually a very very well written dialogue you showed as an example. You would make a great screenwriter

[@theautisticartist9370]

Even my immortal is written better than HGS lmao

[@DeathLadyShinigami]

I was re-watching C-Puff and their breakdown of HGS (part 3) when the poor woman was breaking down about how nonsensical the 'plot' of the bad guys with the rot was and how the whole New vs Old Magic had been put on a bus. That's when I got an idea on how to fix it with very little actual change to the show. Because the triumvirate(?) or really the stupid shadow thing regrew the rot that Thyme had healed previously, it means the rot is intentionally not just a by product. Or at least I hope so cause who knows sometimes with how stupid this show is. Anyway... So my thought was that the rot was placed purposefully and its purpose was to extract magic from 'nature' and that magic was then gathered and processed to make Terraspheres. I know that's doing the work the writers Should've done but if you'll indulge me what your thoughts of this kind of explanation and if it would work? It's simple (and kinda obvious and cliche to be honest) but I was curious on your thoughts if this would actually fit without having to change Everything about HGS. Kinda like your constraints for this dialouge rewrite. Cause I'm not a writer in Any capacity but if I can come up with a solution...kinda highlights just How bad the writing is doesn't it?

[@AnneIglesias]

This is really great. Straight to the point, no fluff without a purposeful setup and makes the characters interesting/entertaining. Just further proves how much HGS really could have benefited from a diverse writing cast instead of women only interested in patting themselves on the back for being women.

[@crimsontheworld772]

As an aspiring author for a manga, I need this guy as my teacher or something. I swear just two videos of his taught me how to avoid awkward dialog

[@pancakiy7531]

yess one of my fav youtubers uploading twice in a day i love to see it

[@astralman]

I have to say these video essays are very motivating for me. Also, I don't know how often you've seen this mentioned, but I think the series High Guardian Spice has the most similarities with is RWBY. RWBY certainly has it's own problems, and I did eventually give up on it at a certain point when it got too bad, but it does a lot of things better and I remember thinking when I saw things about HGS that it looked like a worse version of RWBY, and I was mostly right. I think it might be worth your time to compare and contrast RWBY with HGS. I think you could get a lot from that. Just an idea, and something I, and I'm sure your other viewers, would like to see.

[@hotpotato5587]

Dang, take this and end the episode with a dramatic monologue expressing Caraway’s concern about Lavender’s fate, as in, reveal he’s not to be trusted somewhat, and that would set up the plot for future episodes. Maybe I would’ve cared enough to watch this show. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[@70icedtea50]

A tad unrelated, but the thing that bugs me the most about Caraway being trans is how they explain his transition. Not him telling Rosemary what it means, I'm talking about how he apparently uses potions for it. Using a shapeshifting spell for this kind of character is honestly a cool idea, but of course, we can't forget what show this is. It sounds tedious to drink a potion every so often, as you've said, but it just gets plain stupid when you realize the later episodes not only introduce magic transformation rings, but Mandrake and Olive are *_natural shapeshifters,_* which Caraway HIMSELF explains to the crew. HUH???? Why does he need the potions then?? Why are there _three_ different kinds of shapeshifting spells that are never brought up together? If Redbud gave the girls the mermaid rings, then why not give Caraway one instead? Is 'natural' shapeshifting linked to a Terrasphere somehow? Then why not use _Terraspheres?_ This is like if Elder Scrolls had fire spells in every single class of magic, and they had the exact same effects, but some spells had different and more complicated requirements than Destruction magic. edit: spelling error

[@TheSuperCasual2914]

Thanks for continuing to talk about HGS. Everything is pretty engaging, and the flow, as much as Caraway is constantly interrupting Rosemary for good reason, feels natural. Don’t worry. As much as there are some negative aspects in the stuff you talk about, like the political episode with Aster I watched before this one, it really doesn’t matter. To me, at least. I’m kinda numb on the topics this show and you accidentally cover, so go nuts!

[@selingermann5599]

B-but he isn´t even double transgender! Did you clickbait me?! How dare!! you could have totally dropped the sandwich bit and have him say "btw im double transgender" and then they stare at each other for eight seconds and then the scene moves on without issues!! XD

[@VidelxSpopovich]

I had an Arcane Archer in D&D 5e once that served as the party’s Hunter and Cook. I can attest to the importance of having someone in your group who can make meals for everyone. This way field rations can actually serve their real purpose as emergency food instead of substituting for a full meal.

[@PolioInc]

13:46 The everything hour scene that you made is pretty good, but when careaway switched to indulging rose by trying to tell her about 2 man team comp I feel I wasn’t going for what you wanted, that being for careaway to try and teach but failing. I think that adding a line something like “team comp is actually an everything hours course, since you seem interested…” in that line and the lines following it, to drive home how careaway is trying to find rose a course to take. This attempted pushing on of a course could also reenforce careaways secretiveness about lavender by showing how little careaway want to talk to rose. It seemed a bit jarring how fast careaway went from trying to keep rose on track then to indulging. Though everything else is pretty good and actually makes me want to see this series to see the what’s and why’s. Great work man

[@Galomortalbr]

gosh this dialogue is so much better it is not even funny.