How Art Stole My Best Years

I like art.. maybe too much. In this experimental essay, I examine the idea of following your passions, and what happens when they take over/come in conflict with your life. It results in yet another existential crisis.
As you might expect, it goes into some heavy, meaning of life-type territory, so there is no definitive conclusion (I am a little boy. I couldn't possibly know what life means). This might be SOO pretentious, but worrying about those arbitrary things hurts art, so here we are.
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Chapters
0:00 Intro and The Red Shoes
06:40 Ashita no Joe (1)
09:40 Synecdoche, New York
14:23 A Brief Exposition Dump
19:03 The Wind Rises
22:23 Bakuman
24:35 Ashita no Joe (2)
28:31 Transition
29:40 Another Story
35:57 Escapism
39:01 Vagabond
45:12 Pasolini and The Noble Sacrifice
49:00 (In)conclusion
Music Used (a lot of needle drops in this one)
Bruno Nicolai- Love Theme
Philippe Sarde - La Lettre de Rosalie (instrumental)
Brian Easdale - Hearts of Fire Overture
Brian Easdale - The Ballet Premier
Francoise De Roubaix - Amour Sur Les Rails
Alberto Baldan Bembo- Tema Di Barbara
Ennio Morricone- Un Po D'Ironia Acida (slowed and reverb )
Tyler The Creator- Colossus (instrumental)
Alain Goraguer- Strip Tease
Gianni Marchetti- February
Nino Rota- Via Veneto E I Nobili
Ludwig Goransson- Can You Hear the Music
The Lost Weekend- The Bridge of Love (instrumental)
Piero Piccioni- I Cavalli
Bruno Nicolai- Sugggestione
Ennio Morricone- Girotondo (instrumental)
Ennio Morricone- Ti Prego Amami
Killer Bee- Luvsick
Bruno Nicolai- Magico Incontro

[@tensai.productions]

The great irony is that I ended up overworking myself for this one, more than any of my others. A combination of school and getting a job, also this is the hardest I've gone emotionally. This one's left me absolutely spent, so I'm gonna take my time and give the next one the time it needs to cook. I want to get it out by the end of the year, but I better practice what I preach and strike a better balance going forward.

[@kerruhhh6954]

definitely good advice that needs to be taken

[@leslieargueta8622]

Take as long as you need

[@angelasharpless2752]

Yeah go ahead we all need it sometimes.

[@psilo99]

lol it's pretentious but keep doing what your doing.

[@lk6457]

ThE UNforTUnTE reALitY oF lOVinG eUrOPeaN aRt

[@reilynn7891]

If you think losing years of your life practicing a skill is bad, wait until you hear about wasting years of your life without even ending up with a monetizable skill at the end of it!

[@abdeaubacktayes750]

5 years wasted but I can’t stop myself.

[@IdeaGrazer]

Don't throw away what you have learned. Even failure teaches you something. Some people spend their whole lives taking the safe path. Good for them but nobody wants to meet me in that state.

[@sanssucreajoute6554]

Money IS not important, passion IS the most important

[@sensetive_raccoon]

THIS . This hurts so much . thinking how it is too late , when death becomes your home to escape your uselessness and the thought of " I could have been better than most of them out there " 😭

[@godloveszaza]

​@@sanssucreajoute6554says alot about a person once that M word comes out.

[@emilyrln]

"I don't want money; I just don't want to think about money." I feel this so much. Beautiful essay.

[@sirbeardcat]

art is the exploration of life and death. it is not a proper substitute for either

[@darcyhess3666]

Y’know, I think people forget that life is art. Living your life, actually living it, can give you the feelings art gives you in immense amounts.

[@maynot]

Watching a creator gain traction in real time is something else. It's like we're on the journey with you, wherever we're going, as you show us what your soul holds

[@spliffsforbreakfast]

true validity

[@TheMightyPika]

When I was 6 years old, it dawned on me that I was in a bad place - my parents, who hated each other, saw me as a burden and we lived in terrible poverty, mainly due to my birth. In order to not lose hope, I said to myself that I wasn't allowed to die until I created a masterpiece. I had the feeling that I had just made a pact with a mythical being, like the two of us would use this pact to keep me alive as long as I worked towards this goal. I'm 39 now. I have yet to create my masterpiece but there have been many attempts, with my current one hopefully being the thing that satisfies this pact. The promise to keep living until my masterpiece is complete has kept me alive through assault, homelessness, wage slavery, many many health scares, a severe breakdown that spanned years, but here I am. Still alive and still creating. Its been my strongest and sometimes only lifeline, and i have nothing but gratitude,

[@ARareAndDifferentTune1313]

Sounds kind of like the deal that the band Ween made with the demon Boognish! All jokes aside, glad you are here. Keep truckin on my friend ❤

[@nocturessa]

thats beautiful, i have a similar story, where i promised myself i would never give up, not necessarily on art, but on life itself, and whatever my fleeting passion may be at the time. got me through very dark times just as your pact with yourself got you through. it's so interesting because i thought i was the only one who did such a thing 🤣 but obviously that's pretty vain of me to think, amazing that someone else who i've never met before had a similar experience to me.

[@theultimateartist4153]

What will your masterpiece be?

[@beautifulari1648]

Nothing to say, but that i am PROUD of you

[@veliz3308]

i love you ❤️

[@rubydown3329]

I have a major problem with doing things in moderation. Im either like a freight train, with a totally one track mind, focused on my project and forgetting everything else. Or im like a bumper car, in between projects, aimlessly bumping around until i stop being burnt out and a new project sparks my interest 😑

[@mariaaaa1128]

Interesting metaphors

[@celia1888]

Ah yes the ADHD experience

[@clairebeane3455]

@@celia1888And also that of we Aspergian folk. I feel all of this.

[@erinlee5936]

As a Mercurial born person (yes, I am using astrology, and I have too much Mercury, and Mars, energy within me), I can understand the experience way too much. Too many unfinished projects and a compulsive need to create.

[@clairebeane3455]

@@erinlee5936 I’m a double Gemini. I get this.

[@LeanMeanAsianCuisine]

As someone who sort of fell out of my “art has a strangle hold on my every action” era I have come to realize that I was the most depressed during those years and as my life improved my art became secondary then almost irrelevant. It pains me in both my identity as an “artist” and my motivations in creating art. I would stay up for hours on end, slightly adjusting paintings just to feel like they are finished and sit in the corner of my room. I wouldn’t sleep, eat, drink all I could do was make art or I felt like I would die. Then I got better but I miss my artistic mindset

[@ciaraskeleton]

I understand exactly what you mean. I had the most creative success when I was the most depressed I've ever been in my life. I was barely touching reality and i produced high quality work and I enjoyed every second. Now I'm happier, I can't seem to find the same dedication or inspiration I once had. Maybe its because now im not desperately hanging on to something to keep me alive. I haven't painted in a while, but I started writing more, playing more music on the guitar or piano. Listening to more music. I'm trying to enjoy this, because maybe one day I'll need to cling to it again and it will still be there for me. ❤

[@nununununu735]

I had this with writing, it was my lifeline through my childhood and teenage years up until early adulthood, I wrote all the time to get all those feelings out, but when I started to get better, suddenly I couldn't write anymore because there was no more need in a way, and I was fed up with only writing sad, depressing, disturbing shit lmao. I didn't really write for years up until a year ago when it came back to me. Creative things are funny like that

[@codeninja100]

I had this period also and it was truly dark. I honestly sacrificed my best years for art and reached a professional level, got a couple jobs but at what cost? Now after a couple years of integrating back into a "Normal" life, my art has improved and I'm way happier. The intent behind my creation then was from a dark place of scarcity and ego. The art was tone deaf but at the time it felt like something revolutionary. Living life has given my art a wholistic brevity not bogged down by the "starving artist" mindset I had in my younger years. I don't know how to explain it but the energy is different. The solution wasn't to lock my self in the studio but to live life and listen to life and capture real moments

[@ciaraskeleton]

I did make art my reason for living. The manga you used perfectly explained how i felt. I was severely depressed, so i fought it by intensely loving art. It was my reason to get up. I engaged in it all day. I produced work that i was proud of. It became my world. Upon creating so much, i started healing. Creating made me so happy in my core, that i ended up processing trauma, and improving mentally more than i ever thought i would. I started getting my life together and feeling more confident in myself. As i started healing, i started creating less. I didnt have the same free time, concentration or will to create. Not the way i used to. I cant tap into creativity and paint for 12 hours without eating, sleeping or acknowledging reality anymore. My nemesis, depression, isnt here anymore. Im not fighting to be here anymore. My relationship to art was inherently linked to fighting my depression, fighting my head. Realising that was like grieving for a loved one. (Worse). It took me a while but i realised that art hasnt gone away. I dont love it any less and its not any less there for me, its just that now i dont need to depend on it. The relationship changed. Now it's going to be a new learning curve figuring out where it fits in, but that takes time. Also creative burnout is real, we arent machines, even though wed like to be. So we are going to have our off seasons, where we dont feel connected to art at all. That's okay and it's normal and its very common. Sometimes you need to take a break so that you can experience more life and gather new inspiration. Or to grow as a person and as an artist.

[@menijna]

As someone who got her best years stolen by medicine - somethings gotta give. Here is what I did, do with it what you will 1. Changed prestigious draining employment for hr, i am good at IT and I can leave work at work 2. Got myself a nice husband. Yeah, really. Its easier to pursue your dreams when there's two of you. The life is better. You share responsibilities and money and you have more time. 3. Got a dog. A chihuahua. Just to go out more. 4. Got of my high horse. I'm just an ordinary person and that's okay. A step backward is sometimes the best step you can take.

[@menijna]

Also, I understand not being born in first world. Im from Poland, a country that disappears every 100 years or so. Just steal what u need, I would know nothing without torrents. About relationship - you need to get one not for romantic spice in your life. It is for balancing your life, touching grass and understanding art better. How will you understand Millenial Actress if you haven't run after someone you love and promised your life to them? It is chessy unless you do it. Take it from pragmatic polish girl, and let your friends set you up with a nice girl who likes to cook sometimes, even to get a broader horizon of art.

[@dontburstmybubble686]

The guy who made the video made it exceptionally clear he doesn't want a romantic relationship. Having said that, I do think that more ace/aro individuals should look into having business partners or close friends to support them or at least take some of the load from their work. Besides, having been in a relationship, "getting a husband" is a lot harder than it sounds especially in a generation where people are made very aware of how evil romantic partners can be. (Such as baby trappers, cheaters, divorced individuals who take half the property, abusers, etc.) The better advice personally is to be more vulnerable with people.

[@cesarcampos8746]

Sounds awesome, unlike the naysayers in the replies.

[@livingmasquerade1418]

​​@@menijna i mean personally i dont think you need relationships. Great friendships and aquintances can still fill help you find a balance both in life and work. And especially can be be great inspiration in art too. Ofc if you do find someone you love and loves you back, and you are happy to be with them while being your own independent person too, then thats great. But it doesnt need to be the requirment to life just an extra person in life if you are able to find a person you love and loves you back.

[@livingmasquerade1418]

​@@dontburstmybubble686 sorry if you dont mind answering wdym by being more vunerable? I agree with most the things your saying but i didnt understand that last bit. If you dont mind replying?

[@caydenlearey1021]

Speaking as a fellow artist I just wanted to offer you might be drawing a false dichotomy in this video. I've written two plays and directed one this year as well as drawing and painting on my own time, none of this has cost me my relationship with my partner of two years and in fact I couldn't have done what I do without her love and support. Most working artists I know (and I know a lot) are able to have thriving careers and are also in relationships, my stepmother is an internationally syndicated cartoonist, and she and my mother have had an incredibly healthy relationship for 15 years. There are so many ways to be an artist and in my experience, relationships only enhance your art-making, stay strong and take care of yourself.

[@mooki8170]

I agree it's about taking care yourself. I make time for my family / loved ones. I make time to experience and explore. when i would try to just focus on my "art" i get bored. places , people and events inspire me to create and share with those people or keep to myself.

[@clairebeane3455]

@@mooki8170I entirely agree. One must allow themselves to “play” & to experience life and the love and support of others or one withers inside and dies. It is absolutely possible to devote oneself to their art while simultaneously cultivating and maintaining not just sustainable but thriving relationships with others. One does not have to brood to be an artist.

[@sebastianperaza3310]

While you make a valid point about the possibility of making a living through art and maintaining a balanced life, the example you mentioned contradicts the message of the video. He believes that he must excel in his art due to the limited opportunities he's had in life. He feels as if the entire world is working against him and his artistic pursuits. This is because he was born in a country that doesn't prioritize art, and he lacks the connections and opportunities that come naturally to others. To have any chance of success, he believes he must create the absolute best work possible, as he faces considerable adversity in a society that does not support him.

[@Natheist]

​@sebastianperaza3310 i was just thinking this. The commenter isn't recognizing the privilege and opportunity that allows them to live comfortably and do art full time

[@frejawennberg3454]

I feel similarly, although I dont have a relationship right now the friends around me help me so much with being motivated and happy as an artist. They make you have breaks to not overwork yourself, and come up with great ideas.

[@blakechildress944]

And here I was thinking I'm a bit too dramatic and existential about art. Don't stress yourself into an early grave because you aren't successful with your art or because people around you don't seem to understand. If I'm not mistaken you said you're 21 or you just turned 21 years old. You have the most valuable thing in the world which is TIME. You have decades to explore the world, learn about life, create things, and find meaning in the endeavors that bring you fulfillment. So don't throw away your twenties stressing and worrying about your legacy as an artist or whatever is giving you grey hairs just believe in the process of whatever artistic field you've decided to embark on and have fun producing art instead of torturing yourself like a romantic poet who feels sorry for himself. Also find your people because you need like minded people who share your enthusiasm for art and who can bounce feedback and ideas back to you. Just because you're an introvert doesn't mean you deserve to die alone.

[@dontburstmybubble686]

I think that art is kind of a supplement like those vitamins you take. Vitamin C prevents scurvy while art prevents shriveling into the void. But you can overdose on vitamin c. And it's not pretty. Even if you give the whole rant of "I need to update my comic weekly" speech, no you don't. I have literally waited seven years for Noragami a mid tier anime to come back. People will wait ten years for the next spiderverse movie. If its good people will come back and your absence can allow for other creators to shine not take your spotlight.

[@why.do.I.even.try.]

Still waiting for noragami too, that anime did sth to my brain and I have not yet recovered 😂

[@dontburstmybubble686]

@@why.do.I.even.try. it's literally a New Year's tradition

[@Li_Tobler]

Yep, moderation is key in everything, simple as that. Thank you for saving me 55:48 minutes of my time 😙

[@sophieknoles1659]

This is insane. You are insane. I am actively losing my mind. But I am also endlessly inspired by you and your work. Thank you so much, please take care of yourself but keep making art.

[@vladimirmatic-kurylev8675]

Hey :) This video made me want to say something... Not sure what, but let's give it a shot: I'm in my late 30s and I'm a professional artist. I have a comfy job in the games industry and enough free time to pursue personal art projects of various sorts. I also spend a lot of time with friends, playing boardgames, watching movies... My art is not popular, I don't really have fans, a large social media following or anything of the sort. I got some professional recognition, like I have some confirmation I'm actually "good at art" :D And my greatest artistic achievement is ridding myself of a lot of expectations for what kind of art I should be making, and thus I occasionally make pieces I'm actually happy with. Of course I want more. I want to get more noticed, to make some great art thingie that will touch millions etc. But that might or might not happen for me in the future. Still, I love that I get to make art. I guess what I wanted to say is - you can live as an artist and still do other things. Have a (related or unrelated) job, a family, even other priorities, and still be an artist. Even a great artist. You can sacrifice everything to achieve great things - but it might as well happen that you sacrifice everything and you miss your shot, figuratively speaking. Not all sacrifices are worth it, but stories mostly focus on those that do make it, so there is a huge bias there. So yeah, take from this what you will. I wish you good luck on your journey!

[@spotliker123]

I’m on my way out of highschool and your story is an inspiration to me. I feel insecure about my future and oftentimes i feel paralyzed because of it, like i’ll always be stuck where i am. i’m scared that i may never be able to support myself on my own pursuing art, and that recently that has led me to drawing very little of anything at all. Did you feel this way too? and if you did, do you have any advice for pushing past it? how did you get started in your career?

[@why.do.I.even.try.]

​@EGGBIE_ I was about to write the same question to him haha😅 I'm scared as well that I'll never be good enough to make it full time and if I'm going to participate in this capitalistic society without wanting to bathe with my toaster then art is the only thing I can do, and want to do . I have found small jobs but in my country there is no art industry and I have no idea why anyone would hire me when I'm a hassle compared to someone already living close by.

[@MyNguyen-wk1fj]

thanks for sharing ❤

[@vladimirmatic-kurylev8675]

@@spotliker123 My path was different to be honest, during my last year of highschool I was practicing art like crazy, preparing for the university entrance exam... And I was already hanging out with some older folks who were professionals working in comics, storyboards or concept art. None of them were getting paid a lot or popular online but they were making a living, and I figured I could almost certainly get to that level, so I never felt that kind of insecurity like is this a viable career at all? That said, I have struggled a lot with different kinds of insecurity - that I'm not producing enough art, that I'm lazy, that I've hit a ceiling in my development and I'll never be as good as others and of course that my art actually sucks. And actually, this is what most artists go through regardless of skill level or achievements - having great confidence in yourself is much rarer than producing amazing art. So if you want to be an artist prepare to struggle with that stuff. What helped me was ridding myself of expectations when I was doing personal art - it doesn't have to look professional, it doesn't have to be cool, people don't have to like it, I don't even have to show it to anyone if I don't want to... And that freed me to enjoy the process again and to explore what is it that I like... It would be nice if I could tell you that this also brought me great success and recognition, but so far it hasn't really happened :D I wish you good luck and feel free to ask questions!

[@vladimirmatic-kurylev8675]

@@why.do.I.even.try. Feeling that you're not good enough and that your art sucks compared to others is something almost every artist struggles with, it's completely normal. You don't even have to resolve this issue to be a good artist, it's just important to keep making art ;) That said, I don't know about the exact situation in your country, and it might be that you're facing a real disadvantage. Generic advice I could give you is to keep yourself open to different opportunities - there are so many ways to do art professionally, and there is probably something that could work out for you. As I mentioned I currently work in the game industry, but I've also earned money doing all of these things at some point or another: book cover illustration, building puppets and props for stop motion animation, drawing caricatures at an event, painting portraits from photos, painting wargaming miniatures, painting a mural, drawing a tattoo design... Some of those are easier to turn into a career than others, but I could probably make a living doing any of those if I stuck with it and worked hard enough.

[@Magnesiap]

i was so shocked to see someone that feels the same. and its so much more painful when you realise that you didnt even achieve the things you wanted in art

[@KeriExpression]

Randomly decided to watch this video and not only was it amazing (and verbalized a lot of my current feelings towards creating) but I was pleasantly surprised to find out you're Jamaican (same same here), so obviously I'm subscribing and cheering for your passions to keep you going and for success to come your way!

[@homhom_28]

Dying because of an obssesion seems illogical to me, i cannot understand it. I believe that if you like something so much that you begin to hurt you, others or forget about yourself and your needs, then you don't truly love whatever youre doing. The same goes for people who think that if you suffer while doing an activity you like, that means said activity is more valuable, or more important. I don't get it, why is it needed to suffer? Why sometimes we look at that suffering with pink colored lenses and pride ourselves about it?

[@michemicalromance]

tru, i wouldn't draw everyday if it wasn't so much fun (most days, some days are hard). why would someone continue doing something that isn't done out of necessity if they find said activity to be painful?

[@donkeysinister731]

I don't know what the perspective of the person who made this would be, but personally obsession or passion I would like to call it, is no more something you do that you like, it's very important to you it becomes the reason you live. The way I see it, if there were no option left for me to achieve my dream or if my dream was achieved, the only thing that makes sense is to die.

[@jamesrawlings46]

I think everyone suffers, especially people who are alone (don't have a safe community) and not in touch with nature. Those are two things our modern society often lacks and what humans have evolved too need. A lot of art is collaborative, but even more is working long hours alone in a world where many don't understand what its life to get better at a creative skill for years and years. I used to be unhealthy doing art and nothing else before I found healthier coping mechanisms, community, and communion with nature. I still do art, but in a balanced nature that is (in my researched) opinion closer to what humans evolved to do.

[@MystiqMiu]

using this comment to parrot somthing: "suffering is not noble. take your headache medicine." you deserve relief, you cant strain your body with continuous stress forever

[@fromasgardwithlove2257]

​@@MystiqMiuYess thank you!

[@itsapplepai]

You're super young, and your relationship to art will change many, many times as you get older and continue making it. I'd be so interested to see your thoughts on this same topic 8 or 10 years from now, and where you're at on that journey and how you feel. This was a wonderful dose of introspection and thoughtfulness, and is reminding me to take a breather every now and again. Thanks for your work! (👋 a ranked animation industry professional who was always told I'd peak at 19 and spent the better part of my 20s in existential hell working harder to try not to miss the opportunity to make a magnum opus, before realizing that it's so far ahead of me I should just enjoy the ride over dying for my art)

[@Lissentewmi]

I think its very significant that Bleach continually posits the sharpness of the blade against the warmth of life until Ichigo eventually, in a full understanding of the meaning of existence, realizes HE IS THE BLADE. The blade is him. Its me and its you. To live and reason and postulate is to kill and be killed as well. Prey is predator, the sun raises new buds and burns old growth. We are carbon wretches. And this is not an endorsement of carnage or violence. Its a plea for softness and vulnerability. This is a lovely video, be discouraged but do not give up. Having energy to share what is in your soul under capitalism is already very serious. And I loved your Fran Leb note, I am certain her ass does not remember all the interviews she's been in. Writers block my ass the woman doesnt want to commit thoughts to print

[@hoodiecatsu]

This really is the existential artist essay that may keep me up at night(maybe not in the worst way though) As someone who got into art at a very young age solely for the attention I saw others receive, this definitely struck a few chords. I wouldn't bother exposition-dumping around 10+ years of my life in a YT comment of all places, but I definitely feel your words on a deep level. As I am now, at 27, I still remain an artist. Granted, I just create for me at this point. There will be things people may never see for me, and I will definitely die before crafting magnum opus after magnum opus, but I'm okay with that. Call it diving into the deep end of escapism, but I simply want to create for the joy of it. There is no one alive or who has passed that can truly create for me. There is no one alive or who has passed that can live for me. They are one in the same. It's something I do for the sake of wanting it to have been done. The notoriety or permanence through time is a worthless venture for me. If by my sheer passion for the craft alone someone was inspired, that's great, but I find it hard to create anything with that being my goal anymore. There is no goal other than to embrace and create, much like how there is no goal of life -- Embrace it and live it. Death is always the endpoint, so you might as well make sure your canvas has color on it rather than leave it blank. Better to have died doing that than having died for it. Keep up the excellent work.

[@pickle380]

I love how this video inspired so much introspection and discussion. That's one of the great things about art. It takes something, an idea or feeling or whatever, and slaps you in the face with it.

[@RRRadish]

Narratives about art in torment, I feel, have very little to do with the artistic impulse in and of itself. They're about failures of a social contract and the inherent violence it contains. The artist's fall into a purely distilled sense of obliteration, the "failure" of the contract between humans that is at war with inborn fixation on the structures and abstracted atoms that make up sense-reality. Many of these stories depict this social narrative that, through the difficulty of shedding social reality from the totality of out sense reality, comes to resemble ontological truth. In this framework "the artist" and their journey and connection to others becomes the atom to be inspected rather than the impulse itself. I think that impulse is no more or less than the most noble aspect of being an entity capable of perceiving sense-reality to begin with and without it world seems little more than a gray husk. Art is impulse, structure, and rhythm, what appears to the eye as narratives are in the making often pure abstractions of the individual sensory building blocks that make up sense-reality. Herein lies the most hilarious thing about how lovely art is: "the art" is just an afterthought of the impulse and the feverish seeking of the forms and the rhythm.

[@RRRadish]

To add, the notion of "escapism" feels like a bludgeon invented by the small minded terrified of people who see worthwhile areas of being a perceiving animal, finding territories of sense-reality that are beautiful and true beyond social reality. "Escapism" is not withdrawing from the world, but is also a specific position of a social contract. One who accuses another of "escapism" is saying "you see importance in things I do not consider important and are to cease", does that not come across as another facet of social violence imposed upon the artist

[@moonwqlker5844]

i will be honest. this video spoke a lot to me, especially in my current situation. i dropped out of college over a week ago due to the constant grind of getting a writing degree. i never felt so burnt out over something i cared about, and when i realized it (and talked about it with my counselor) i was heartbroken. i will be honest, writing and art in general have been a huge part of my life. movies, video games, tv, books, you name it. i honestly don’t know what id be without it. with writing, i had never felt so heard, seen, understood. only on a piece of fuckin paper, i love stories. i always have, and i always will. i feel like i want to create stories just for the sake of it, so that the world could hear my stories and fall in love with them, as if i’m some sort of god. but i don’t want to display myself as a god, i never am a god. i’m only human, and i think if i ever pursue writing and possibly become famous, i feel like i’ll forget myself. but i love to write, and just recently i’ve had this passion which i have never felt before. but for what? did i forget i got burnt out for this? just to be some famous author? if i think about this then my life will feel empty. now that i have dropped out and am constantly thinking on what to do now, idk if i should continue writing anymore. i feel like this passion is torturing me, more than i love writing itself. so, i feel as though i have to look for a job in order to find something else to do instead of being stuck at home, alone, and writing all day. i know that will get me depressed, but i care about it. i care about it a lot more than ever. i just don’t know what i want anymore, what is the point of art if i kill myself for it? i know what i’m capable of and it scares me. i don’t even wanna hear “oh just follow your passion” and all that. that ain’t helping me, what if my passion is controlling me? instead of me controlling it? i still love literature, art, and writing and all those things. i guess i’m just not sure if i’m scared of trying out a job and then not being happy, or if i’m scared of writing but dying as a result. either way, i feel doomed.

[@user-cd3is1vt1c]

You should definitely keep writing, maybe using it to make money just isn't it, go out and have some more experiences that you might not have had being stuck as a writer. Our lives are short but we can still do a lot with them.

[@kennynelson7585]

back when I was in my art phase, I wished I was like you

[@dontburstmybubble686]

Same. Dying while doing art sucks but having that part of you die before you do anything is infinitely worse.

[@DawepMe]

First of all, this video is a gem. I really like how personal, raw and relatable this is... You did a great essay on this isolating feeling of being so much in love with your craft, that you remove yourself from reality, and reality is the only wall preventing you to explore the ocean of your passion. I'm 26. I am also an artist and I work professionally as an artist for mobile game companies. I started to get obsessed about drawing and art at 16, nowadays I think I was desperately trying to escape from my childhood trauma... So much so, I really didn't care about family, friends, health: I just wanted to be the best at my craft, at any costs. This sick obsession kept me sucked into this abstract world of making lines, shapes, colors for almost a decade... Which honestly I still love dearly, art is something precious that gives a voice to anyone who dares to share a bit of themselves on it... However, many times I fell into the trap of pushing myself away and hiding my true self under the "artist" hat. My identity was my work. I didn't want to think about who I was without this creative superpower. Truth is, you gotta face yourself at some point, and when you do, you realize how art is... small. Yeah. I said it. Art is small. Why? How dare I say it? Art is an experience that only you can provide to yourself. Through your eyes. Through your consciousness. Through your brain chemicals that allow you to feel... through the memories of your life that make you relate to things... You are the one who allows you to experience all of this. You are the most valuable thing you have. Maybe the only thing you truly have? To realize that, I have gotten sick. Very sick. I lost friends, I lost experiences... I work with art and drawing till this day, but I have very clear boundaries between my personal life/self and my work. I am not my craft, my craft is something I am passionate and knowledgeable about, but I don't need it to feel valued. Welp, I don't even need people to love my craft, because I appreciate the experience of doing it myself, and that has become enough to me. I am valuable. Living is just enough and that gives me peace. Ironically, my art has become a lot better after I understood I didn't need to sacrifice my soul for it. Tough lesson tho LOL (Sorry for the long ass comment. Your video gave me a lot of bittersweet memories and feelings. Be nice with yourself, Tensai, and keep going!!)

[@natee9496]

As an artist in the area of film for almost 30 years now, I believe I still need to be the best artist possible, but I've learned also that I still need to be the best at every area in my life to have stability. I strive to be the best father, husband, worker, friend and very important for longer term capability in this is to have good health. I also use to be very opinionated in my views of politics until I lived in less ideal places in the world, this taught me to be thankful no matter where I live but I still strive to improve my surroundings at least. I wish you the best in your endeavors with blessings and love.

[@awllypollyas8292]

It's so cool to have an older perspective see these kinds of videos made by folks who are still figuring it out

[@illanellinor]

You are like the opposite of me, so it's been really fascinating listening to your perspective of growing up as an artist. I appreciate you sharing it. I have spent most of my adolescent years (from age twelve onwards) trying to find a flow with my creativity to satiate the desire I have and have had all my remembered life to create things - whether it's writing, songs or video-editing, I have a range of things that I become obsessed with. Around the age of 13, however, the synergy I had with my creativity just sputtered out, and I've been trying ever since to get it going again. I'm now 24 years old. I've been to university, I've taken courses on creative writing, and while I am now in a sub-editor job working for a newspaper, it's not my dream and I don't feel like I've had the opportunity to 'live' my creativity and creative dreams as you have. Not yet, anyway. I've since learned about ADHD, autism, hypersensitivity etc, which all might explain why I struggle so much to do the thing I desire most in this world to do. I'm still figuring it out. I spent years of my life worshipping and wanting to be like people like you, those who can just merge with their art in the creative process almost effortlessly, to the point that it's too much, but over time I have come to realise it's not the idealistically green grass I've hyped it up to be. You're right, it comes down to balance, and everybody's sweet spot of balance is different; that's what makes it so goddamn hard. No one can tell you how to make it better, how to stop making yourself suffer, only you can discover that by just - trying, continuing on and learning new ways of being, until you find the right thing. Musashi has it right, I think: "Too much is the same as not enough." If I was in your situation, where I couldn't escape my art and it was burning me out, I wouldn't want it. I'd start longing for a life where I could have the art and the release it brings me, but not the burn out. Nor do I want to be artistically suppressed as I have been since age 13, feeling un-alive inside because of that, and quite honestly desperate, just for some sense of invigoration to fuse me into the creative process. Too much is the same as not enough. Thanks for stirring these thoughts in me. It's really what I needed! Ironically, I have been finding the inspiration to start writing for a book, and I've been in the flow more than I have been in years and years, but I've felt very burnt out doing that alongside my job (full-time, yikes). So in a way I guess I needed to hear this.. How producing the art and getting it out there should not come at the cost of your own health. Life is more than art. Art is like...life crystallised, but it is not all there is to it. Best of luck to you, fellow artist!

[@livingmasquerade1418]

I dont completely understand and i may have to come back to this video one day but i just wanted to give a bit of my thoughts. I wish the way the world is changes so that people are able to pursue the things the like without it being crushed by the pressure to make into a job. Like i wish people had the oppurtunity to learn and pursue diffrent things instead of it being streamlined into one job. This hurts so much people, i wish people were allowed to do more witb their time. If someone pursues medicine they should be allowed to without it having to be 24/7 part of their life. So they can still enjoy being with friends, doing hobnies or learning other things to. I wish we could just pursue the things we like as a career without careers becoming something we hate, whether it be a big crazy job or a small quiet one, both should still be able to let us take time with our personal life too.

[@portugeese_man_o_war]

Exactly

[@Boniae]

This was an interesting essay, and I hope that as you experience life and hone your craft, you can have a healthier relationship or balance with creating art in your life. You seem to be making really awesome things so far (especially your comics), and I really hope you keep up with it! In a way, I relate a lot to your experience. I'm 26 now, but I spent my early twenties sacrificing nearly all of my free time (when I wasn't working my part time, non-art job) to working on a 8+ year long (and ongoing) weekly updating comic that...well, I started to realize about five or so years ago, as much as I love it, there's more to my life than just the stuff I make. And, just because I work hard, that doesn't mean I'll actually find the “success” or “end goal” I'm looking for. Despite how much I love my stories, I had to grapple with the reality that maybe it's not as "great" as I thought it was, and that's okay. I had to make peace with that. I mean, of course it's great to me, and a few people like it, but it's not going to be a monumental, earth shattering work just because I spent so much time on it. Despite how much time and energy I put into it-that one project alone doesn't make me a livable wage, despite how much I try to market it. And if I work myself so hard over these stories-what's the point? I'm hurting myself, and I'm losing touch with the people I care about, and the world I want to experience. I shouldn't harm myself for my art, I should cherish my life, because when I was 20, I didn't think about the "future", I didn't think about how I actually wanted to live my life, I didn't want to think about money or business, and didn't properly plan for how I could make that happen-I was just obsessing over my projects. When I started my first job my whole perspective changed. At first, I was really depressed to have to work a “normal” non art job, but as time went on, I realized I had capable skills other than just drawing. For the first time in my life, I allowed myself to be a "person" who's more than just my art. I started getting into other hobbies, learning new things, reading tons of books I didn't think I'd ever read, and I met other people with completely different interests. (In fact, for years many of my coworkers didn't even know that I'm an artist lol) My job isn't perfect, but I get to talk to people with different life experiences and that enriches my writing abilities, which ultimately gives me new ideas all the time. Of course, every now and then I still feel like a failure when it comes to my art and lack of business skills, but the good news is I'm trying every day and not giving up. When I take the time out of my day to experience the world and absorb all the things around me, taking life one step at a time, it makes me a better storyteller. I don't want other artists to experience the kind of soul crushing pain that occurs when you waste away your life to solely focus on one passion in hopes of a particular, possibly unattainable goal... just because you work hard on it, won't guarantee that you'll find the “success” that you're looking for, whether that be money, fame, or skill level-because as people, we always want more and are never satisfied. And sometimes that “success” relies on luck, connections, perseverance, and so many other factors. Obviously don't give up on trying to change it-keep working towards your goal every single day. But in the meantime, you should allow yourself to live, make peace with what you have now, and try to get back to the days when making art made you happy. Because that, in my opinion, nurtures the talent you possess. Thank you for the essay, it allowed me to remind myself of these things today, and I hope this video helps more artists too.

[@awllypollyas8292]

I realized why i made art back then. I needed to. There wasn't that many options to take when it came to expressing my frustrations and rebellion as a child, especially in junior high. I had to make art, rebel in my mind, in my sketchbook. It was a coping mechanism. As for when i was in daycare, just painting shit, and in 1st grade, drawing spongebob, i don't know why i made art. Maybe it was because i was just alone? No one really talked to me when i was super little besides my family and i had no friends. No one would listen to me. So to escape, i would take out my markers and pens and scribble things that, in my eyes, were conceivable. These places i drew, these characters i drew, UNDERSTOOD ME when no one else did. Now in my life as I turn 21, i feel like my art journey is kind of over. I've made plenty of friends, I've finally stopped rebelling against my parents, i see no reason to be full of spite anymore. If anything, now i want to learn to draw beautiful things and people. But to be honest, i just don't have any other motivation to draw than, "get famous," and that just doesn't appeal to me anymore. Although I do wish i could go back into my head and just live put my characters stories, jot it out on paper, act it out with toys, hum it's music and sing it's natures song, i have no real reason to create those worlds anymore. I don't know if that's something i should mourn or celebrate. All i want now is for that small kid to be okay. I feel he's getting better the more he goes outside and just observes and learns. Where we'll end up, i don't know. Anyway i hope people relate lol.

[@ladyinsect6444]

What’s your comic called? :000

[@cows_on_a.picnic]

Very interesting essay!! It reminds me of a passage from "Letters to a young novelist", where the author compares writing to having a tapeworm, as the writer's actions become for the 'tapeworm' instead of for themselves, and as they are eventually devoured by it

[@spookyjones6577]

I quit art school, because I didn't have that drive where I would feel like I would die if I wasn't working on art. At first, before I quit, I felt lost since I felt like I was giving up something I thought I should give my entire soul for. At some point I realized that I had an identity outside of my art, and that the art was for me, and not me for the art. Try to live a little. The art will still be there when you get back. But the life around you might not be.

[@nuriririri]

As a young artist without a privilege position myself this video put into words what i was trying to express but couldn't. It has inspired me a lot, i deeply thank you.

[@silly_goob]

This essay is so high quality! All the effort that went into editing, subtitles, and well-structured script! Thank you for being honest and vulnerable in this video and for giving good takes that seem obvious but are often needed to be talked about.

[@PunkinPancakes]

love this video! i relate to it a lot, i was just saying to a friend. People romanticize the flow state and dedication to art. But it seems like the worst superpower to ever exist. Watch this, I can turn 8 hours into what feels like 8 mins. It may feel great in the moment, but afterwards, I realize how much time I've sunk into art and pushed away life experiences. nowadays, i try to approach life with the "this will make me a better artist" mindset and i try to experience things for myself. Especially connecting with the people in my life

[@ladyweirdo6035]

Perhap smy most toxic trait is watching this video and wanting to resume a project I haven't touched in months due to lack of motivation, time, and energy because of working while going to school...For graphic design.

[@dontburstmybubble686]

I recommend the KZbinr Local Scriptman because he has a lot of videos on productivity and stuff

[@nmx0014]

Way too long of a comment, but I felt compelled to write this because of how amazing this video is. This is a topic that gets brought up so often in my art school, but I could never relate to the consensus everyone else reached. Meanwhile, everything you expressed in this video is exactly the same thing I've been feeling/thinking. The consensus was that dying for your art, being a starving/miserable artist, is "oldschool." And what we should be doing is allowing ourselves to pursue having families and the same stable life qualities that regular lifestyles offer. To do art on the side, yet still for work, is healthy. And especially, the obsession with fame and popularity would no longer mean you're a true artist. It surprised me how much my first-year teachers were pushing this idea. Yes, expecting everyone to die for their art is ridiculous and strict, but expecting everyone to do the opposite felt just as strict to me? Anytime I joked about going against that idea, I received actual backlash from my classmates (maybe it didn't sound like a joke because of funky autism). Since this was pushed in our first semester more, I got weary of expressing my passion too intensely, or else someone would accuse me of being oldschool and every other word associated with that. (luckily this is less of a thing now that all my professors are older and don't care to make grand statements on how we should be living lol) I could just say both sides of this made up argument was wrong and call it a day, but I realized I felt so strongly about this because it really just tied to my overall life. I do not desire a partner, ever. I got this cool awesome thing where I am unable to connect with others emotionally, so I don't feel the benefits of friendship or any form of love (friends are still cool tho). I couldn't focus on the same passions people generally have in life (love-> happiness pipeline). I think I am entirely fueled by interest. I didn't even go into art because of some deep passionate love for it, like a genuine happiness that comes out only when painting, drawing, etc. I'm just interested in making artistic things, art can apply to multiple topics of interest, and I happened to be really good at art. Thus I'm here, and that is all. Despite how un-passionate I made that sound, art is still all that I have, or at least is the only thing I have that can express my interests (which is what fuels my life so therefore it is my life yada yada). If the reply to "I want to be a creative" is "do not do it unless you will die if you don't", then I get the greenlight to do it. I have nothing else. This is always what I felt. I go ahead because I do not want to die, therefore I also refuse to die for my art until I'm old as balls. Similar to your commentary in this video, I also do not have answers or conclusions. All I know is that the only desire I feel is to live the "dying for your art" lifestyle without the dying part, be known by as many as possible, and there is nothing else I can focus my desires/passion on. Anyways your channel is awesome. Keep making content no matter what, I'd hate to see you burnout and stop what you got going on here. edit: A huge topic I missed in this ramble is the position we are born into and how some people don't even have to conceive of the possibility of dying for their art because they (1) get immediately placed into being a stable artist (2) always have the resources for comfortable survival (rich nepo baby capitalism answer, you know the drill). I'm around a decent amount of them in school, very weird people to observe.

[@cholkymilkmirage4984]

art is the way of the sword, the monk, the student who could only hope to one day become the master. The world passes you by as you steel your blade, until one day you start to shape the world with your blade. Great video bro.

[@vemnorex6936]

i dont know how this got in my recommended, but its the most refreshing thing ive seen yet, maybe cause it's new and stands out (being different than the videos i normally watch), i like it, but also feel stupid

[@dohagain]

This is one the best pieces of media that i've seen since a long time, your passion hit me. I felt it through your tone, through the amazing selection or movies/manga, I wish I had that much passion too (I guess that this wish goes against the whole point of the video...). I live for art too, but for other people's art, and yours made its way into my heart and I'll keeping thinking about it and growing with it. Thank you so much

[@somedudedoinart]

"oh fun what a nice video to put on while i draw" YOU GAVE ME A CRISIS IM JUST A MINOR

[@hollyhock803]

i cried so much watching this, thank you for posting. i understand, as much as a stranger can

[@Y0UT0PIA]

I appreciated this essay - compared to a lot of what's put out there these days, it stands out as actually being something you wanted to make, and you searched for and found your own words for saying what you wanted to say. It feels, for lack of a better term, not merely ideological, something produced to further a cause, but an expression of actual ideas. That's becoming more and more rare these days - it feels like most people are simply repackaging what everyone else is saying, everyone is plagiarizing everyone else in the mad scramble for an audience. I hope you'll continue to stay true to yourself.

[@reemamohammedidrees8122]

This video truly changed the way I look at my art

[@reemamohammedidrees8122]

Not sure if I like that

[@dagmawityikber987]

I don't know how to describe this but I think this video essay could have potentially changed the trajectory of my life.

[@kilimanadeau-bergeron1169]

''All the things I care about have always been distant.'' I think that this simple sentence you said capured perfectly what I have always felt. I often force my mind to think I truly care about close things to be able to think I'm not wasting my life because ''I live in the moment''. You confirmed that I don't, and now I'll never do that again, I'll accept to the fullest that I aspire to distant objectives, that I want to reach more far away. Amazing video essay, thank you, listened to it while doing some art :)

[@kaiyabell]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. So glad this popped up in my feed as it was very much worth the entire watch.

[@quaintless]

thank you for putting this out there, i was really looking forward to watching as soon as i saw the premiere (but as with how art has eaten up my time, i barely have the energy to engage with the art of others i really enjoy, hence why i've only just freed this video from watch later prison). everything touched on in this essay is the exact thoughts and feelings that me and many of the creatives around me have been experiencing lately, and it always helps to know that we are not alone in feeling like this. also appreciate how you touched on the dilemma of being an artist who wasnt lucky enough to be born in an artist hub, its something way too often ignored when advice is giving to aspiring creators, especially in the film and animation industry. thank you for your vulnerability and i sincerely and patiently look forward to seeing your future creations after you've given yourself significant time

[@ziegenkonig1621]

Thank you for this video. I shut myself away from art very young because I was ripped to shreds whenever I shared anything in a toxic school setting. Re-introducing myself has been difficult, and I've been struggling with the same feelings/questions you pose here. Again, thanks for putting them into words.

[@swagmund_freud6669]

Man I related to so much of this despite making a completely different art form in a completely different place and context. You see I am a musician. It is so important to me that it is basically the first thing I want anyone to know about me. I'm also on the autism spectrum so I am prone to niche special interests. When I found out halfway through the video you were Jamaican, it felt like something about this video was very specifically divinely designed for me to hear this message. You see, I fucking love Jamaican music. All of it: reggae, dancehall, dub, ska, etc. And all the Diaspora music and the music from the Caribbean inspired by Jamaican music like reggaetón and shatta. I found it through the internet at the age of 14 and something happened that got me obsessed, I don't know what, but I dove head first into Jamaican music and culture. I listened to so much Jamaican music I accidentally learned how to speak Patwa. Never met a Jamaican. I mean I probably have, but there aren't many here and I've never really gotten to know a Jamaican person before. They'd probably think my fascination with their country is odd. Once I had to buy some new earbuds at a store here in Canada and presented with a large number of options that all seemed equal to me at a first glance, I bought one that had some Jamaican branding on it. Think the brand was called 'smile Jamaica' and I chose it because I needed to choose one and they all seemed to be the same but the Jamaican one was Jamaican so I had to have it. I often call myself a weeaboo for the Caribbean cuz it's very similar to the classic western guy obsessed with Japanese culture who's never been to Japan. Anyways, art. I like other styles of music that aren't Jamaican of course. It's just one of my many favorite styles of music but it permeated my identity in a unique way. i live in a place without much of a profitable music scene. It's a big city in Canada but it's a place people live, not a place where people create. The general culture is very practical and doesn't view things not of immediate monetary value as that important. The local music scene here lives my the skin of its teeth. But the thing about Jamaica is that, it's the same population as the city I live in and yet there is so much music from there I love and am inspired by. But it feels like I'm a thief of something that was never meant for me. It's not just Jamaica, I have similar feelings towards the Dominican Republic and too a lesser extent Ireland. I guess the whole of the United States other than the West coast too, since I've never actually been there except for the west coast. But it's different for America since Canadian culture is American. As you said, I'm not gonna try to comment on a culture I've never actually been to. My dad is a musician and knows many local musicians, who I've often hoped could help me get somewhere with my music, but really he's an IT worker who does music for fun. So his friends can't get me anymore past that. I do music for so much more than fun - but that's really all I should do it for. But it's for living. Not for a living, I am unemployed, but I do it to live. Without music I would rather die, and I know that sounds dramatic but I think a lot of people would relate to that feeling. I learned a whole language from which I have never met anyone from the country that speaks it, just cuz it was in the music I like. I'm not insane, I'd rather not die for my art. Ironically if I did die for my art I'd want to live long enough to hear people talk about how cool it is that I died for my art, which is of course impossible. I don't have any ultimate point here just things I wanted to say.

[@supsam]

i think this spoke to everyone with great meaning. i've been in a very reflective place recently and this video perfectly puts this perspective into words PLUS there's some great recommendations, thanks for putting the time into this :)

[@meivisco4033]

I really appreciated hearing your perspective. So often in the US the main conversations I hear are from other people in the US who are coming from a similar economic context. Hearing from an artist in a country that has been historically exploited isn’t something I usually get to do. I hope that this KZbin channel is successful and that it gives you a foothold to pursue the things that you love.

[@onyx5104]

Man, this is one of the greatest videos on the entire KZbin. Not only did you include my favorite anime/manga of all time(Ashita no Joe), but the whole structure, montage, composition, and how this essay looks reminded me of myself trying to share my passion for art with others. Thank You.

[@jaykool8015]

This is a beautiful project and is literally one of the most incredible things I’ve ever witnessed it really show passion and the creative mind

[@cz7619]

The same way he inspired you is the same way you inspire us to persue our own dreams. I came here for solid, answers. I have recieved them. Thankyou truly.

[@someuser4166]

im totally with you. I spent the majority of my youth (and i guess life?) trying to become an artist, i lost a lot of my old friends because of if. We drifted apart since we no longer hung out much. I took a job as a programmer to get by but i always kept art the top prio so my career never really progressed much, unless it was an art career i didn't really care much though, as long as i got enough to live and keep working on my art. After about 8 years i finally decided to man up and go to art school. I dealt a lot with self doubt (i usually dont care what others think of me or my work but when it comes to the art its different. I always wanna do my very best there) and never wanted to show my work but the fellow students and teachers pushed me to start showing my stuff and i started doing so. Just as i graduated the ai crap came along. So my 10 years of hard work, me sacrificing all my relations and free time woudnt mean anything anymore. Yet, i dont regret doing what i did and ill continue drawing till i die. Once youve experienced what art is like you just cant stop. it gives me meaning beyond relationships, praise or any amount of money ever could. I love nothing like i love art. Nothing else has ever given me the feeling of awe. seeing great work and legit subconsciously becoming speechless seeing all the skill and years of practice and hard work that went into creating that piece. Money or women dont interest me any. If i can make my art im happy. Even if its like 100x more work (anyone who draws know how hard it is and the constant self doubt a lot of artist experience(probably because we care so much about the craft we're incredibly self critical)) Id rather be a poor artist just barley getting by and do something meaningful than be some rich guy doing meaningless crap.

[@RealReki]

If Whiplash did so much with you (like it did when I first saw it), I also strongly recommend the movie Frank from 2014. I feel like it is kind of an antidote to the more toxic sides of Whiplash's main thesis

[@P4wrT00l]

Its like you took all of my thoughts...i'm in the exact same situation as you except i "took" the 6th form, it wasn't really my choice. I live in a country arguably worse than Jamaica, Barbados and god does this video hit home. It's good to know im not alone it really feels like everyone around me doesn't understand. I feel trapped in this hell and wonder if i'll ever get the chance to move away and live the life i've always wanted too. Thank you for making this, i feel a little better knowing someone is going through a similar situation, i wish you the best.

[@l-_-l2190]

love this essay, and love your sense of humor. really happy i stumbled across your channel! thank you for all the work you've put into art throughout your life, although it's been a hurtful and long road. it's good to see that another artist is having some form of payoff for their hard work.

[@Sillilywillily]

The first time I watched this I was left speechless, and it lives rent free in my brain and changed how I see the art I make

[@ciaaie8215]

I love that you wrote this even without all the answers. The to be continued is nice.

[@insertname-ho7dg]

1 by diving into only one thing you chose to lose perseption of everything but what can relate to that thing (in other words you willonly see all through one filter of perseption and that filter wiill be niche therefore isolating) 2 by not falling in love with one thing i fall in love with life. 3 by being able to fall in love with life and things independently and together i fall in love and understand both. 4 which consiousness if which came first i cannot determine. 5 both are true realities from select and cohesive points of perseption. 5 i feel like its a constant regaining of cosiousness between questioning and persieving from everyway i know how ( which is making me enjoy life simply knowing im feeling more?) 6 realization 5 implies that prior to catharsis (catharsis = thrill from understanding?) life feels like subconsiousness despite the fact that i understand most my memorized reflex thinking patters 7 6 means you can be consious by understanding all of the reflexes you do 8 experiencing in everyway to understand life is my priority and expressing it as creations such as ideas and art is a result of my perseption of life witch is worth something as true in some way life all but the truth in my expression does not hold worth in every perspective but it still hold worth in a different specific way. that's all I know to be true now right after this video. anyone tell me their perspective. question for thought : is sacrifice gratifying therefore selfish and what does that mean for the world and then is that ok ?

[@mxshlee]

I’ve never related to something so hard, it’s been so hard to put it into words but the way you executed this, it was like I saw my life in a time line rather than just an orb in my brain, thank you for this

[@evilcaptainred]

I have no idea if you are still reading comments to this vid, but: I’m older than you, and I am just coming to a point where I am understanding just how important balance is. I would also like to say that mellowing some and taking time out to experience the world around you is sooo valuable to making work (which, day job or no, you will do for the rest of your life). When you are an artist, the work is in you, and will come out, even if you have to take years off to raise kids or become ill, or get a “real job”. You will always keep going because it is inside of you. Anyway, wonderful vid! Can’t wait to check out more of your work 🖤

[@double-star]

You're the youtuber playing me in the anime "We are Destiny" by Tensai Productions. Thank you for making this short film about us.

[@TheBoboSamurai]

You are incredible. Keep up the good work. As long as we feel fulfilled, everything is worth it

[@Organico0]

wow this is honestly my favorite video of all time, you've helped me a lot with this one, thank you

[@youngescapist9920]

I’m 28 now you gave me a living crisis and I’m in college, please please please don’t stop going, I’m black and rooting for you brother, I can’t imagine the time it took editing this beast right, I will never in my life, be as driven or talented as you, but I hope one day , we can work together

[@khashayarr]

Obsessions are a seductive escape and I sometimes wish I had one so I wouldn't - every now and then - resort to more unambiguously destructive forms of escape like drug and alcohol abuse. The truth is, like any other escape, an obsession makes the universe of decisions more manageable. We're always in a constant struggle towards an "escape from freedom", a warm and comfortable cocoon of constraints that limits the number of decisions we have to make. And an obsession is a great way to speedrun towards that state of being. Escaping from freedom is not necessarily bad and it's perhaps a requirement for not going insane but a life defined by 1 possible action and nothing else isn't living, it's more like just being alive. Escaping to that _one_ thing - be it art, a relationship, or a love of airplanes - isn't commitment or drive towards fulfillment. It's rather a commitment to simplify the world in easier to understand terms. All of this was to say: try getting lost, be physically afraid, get punched in the face, have zero plans, etc. and then seek comfort in your obsession. Don't use your obsession as a shield against the world.

[@wyv_hat9037]

this video is incredible and made me cry. i adore this so much. it’s so well written and it hit me right in the heart.

[@shttt8]

this is such a beautifully made video essay, one of the best ones I've watched actually. I usually dont comment on KZbin videos but this was too good not to say something about. Thank you so much for this, definitely gave me a lot of things to think about

[@olawojtczak6301]

What a great video essay, really proud of you man!!! Making a world a greater place

[@Williams_Films]

This video spoke to me in a way that I just cannot express in a youtube comment, but Ill do my best I guess. Im 20 years old studying film with no idea what Im going to do with my life. Ive been making failure after failure of youtube channels for years pouring my heart and soul into my content and being left feeling empty. But every time I fail I just pick myself up and go at it again. I didnt get into film because I wanted to, I got into it because I needed too. I always loved to romantasize my failures. I always looked at myself as the hopeless artist who will never be understood. I still do. Recently Ive grown more and more self aware about my unhealthy obsession and romantisization of my situation and this video really made me think about everything in a new way. I just want to say that Im happy for you. I think youve made something really beautiful and personal and managed to make it work on a platform full of content farms and Mr. Beast clones. I doubt you will ever see this comment, but if you do, I just hope it makes your day a bit better. I know how hard it can be to pour yourself into something like this and feel like it was for nothing, so I want you to know youve been heard. Hope to see more from you in the future, just dont destroy yourself over it alright? Then again, who am I to judge.

[@frejawennberg3454]

I think because I have grown up in a more fortunate situation I don't have the same extreme obsessiveness with art. I couldn't do anything but art, but the art doesnt stop me from the rest of my life. I dont isolate myself for my art (not anymore at least) and instead try to use art as a way to connect with others. I still feel constant guilt whenever I am not doing art but I know that I need people around to not suffer.

[@snrms2351]

Even though the work behind putting out a video so intimate like this is part of the theme you've displayed here, and even though it ended without answers or any sort of a forseable conclusion, the way I related to the things you said and the media that was arranged as examples makes me think that that's the best thing you can expect from creating, from the act of art itself. To share a feeling, to connect with another human, it helps you knowing that somewhere, that probably in a lot of different places, somebody else is asking the same questions and naming the way they experience them. Is such a tiny moment when you realize that you've connected with the subjetive look of another person. Thanks for that. -A no-conclusion-by-any-means-

[@UKKO_EPPU]

This was wonderful. Thank you for making this

[@strangehominid]

my brain has completely rotted. i thought the text on the thumbnail meant "living for art (and dick)" and not "living (and dying) for art." Regardless of that, this video is great from what I've watched of it!

[@tvBoyo]

I finally found something that explains the way i feel about art and passion, like i feel if im not my passion im no one... its weird but it feels nice to see people who get it, makes me feel less alone :)

[@kiszkjmt8564]

Grass is always greener on the other side of the hedge. Be grateful you didn't lose those years to gaming.

[@Tacom4ster]

Your quickly becoming a new favorite Essayist to me, this was amazing

[@ramiror2132]

32:57 One of the things i actually learned (not discovered or being taught to, just assimilated through experience and work) in college about the process of making stuff (product design) was something a teacher told us in that vein: "don't fall in love with your design" . It meant a lot of things that actually helps easing your mind: You're able of discarding something you did and start over Your objective is not the thing itself but that it does what is supposed to Don't be resistive to change something if you don't have a very good reason to, get your guidelines straight Your profession is not the shape you make, It's the process and everything it intersects the shape. It's the Sisyphus push: you make it so you can make it, not so you can finish it. Your life force is to make. The making just stops, but it never ends. That's what I would understand about living for your art.

[@babyboytyroy]

Tema di barbara showing up in this video was NOT expected. Great video and love how you connect your points to specific media

[@ehaagrawal6245]

Everytime I watch your videos, I walk away with an unnecessarily profound understanding of my world and five new movie/show recs😂 Also, this might be just me but I think like the sound used to censor curse words might be a loud for headphone users. this is not my place at all, but it would be great if you could use a diff sound!!

[@tensai.productions]

Thanks and noted👌

[@athegrey]

before i watched this video i had no idea how much this resonates with and applies to me

[@KILOPOWER]

Omg, i'm a giant fan of video essays and this one is now honesly one of my favourites

[@polaszelka9527]

I am in love with the concepts and ideas in this video. That is really my purpose, to evoke just these feelings. You are talented and thank you.

[@ononono7016]

It's amazing how much you have created

[@arushiganwir8717]

one of the best video essays ive ever seen

[@boo5860]

at a certain point, life became too much for me so I stopped living it and dedicated myself to art instead. This must have been in around 2017 or 2018. the time has been slipping away since then. I'm 26 now, unmarried, moderately successful in my artistic career but the rest of my life is pretty empty. I'm starting to realize how much I gave up to focus on art and I'm not even sure if it will be worth it in the end. Maybe I'll finish my dream projects and die happy. I really don't know.

[@draconiskittensweetie9765]

Something I struggle with is having so thoroughly connected my perception of myself and my worth to my ability to create that it just... stops me from creating. I hit a block and suddenly I'm not myself anymore. Good, worthy people make art. I am not making art, so I am not good or worthy. I want to make art, but I am not good or worthy so I can't. If I make something good and worthy, I can be good and worthy again, but I can't because I'm not. And it circles and circles and circles the drain. I'm dragging myself out of it, slowly, in a real backslidey way, but that's just... idk. A thought shared.

[@arthurbrito5139]

In a great talk he gave on the Andrew Carnegie Lecture series (which is on yt, is amazing, every artsy person should watch it), Brian Eno presents the theory that all art is both political and essential for societies to work, because it builds empathy, it teaches us to look at things from different angles and imagine what life is like from somebody else's perspective and is why we enjoy to engage with it so much. So the fact that too many artists become fatally obsessed with their craft to the point of sacrificing much more of their personal life than they should is damned grim irony. I personally believe that being an artist in itself is a different (I'd say higher but that's very subjective) way of life, because you become much more sensible to all you perceive and how that affects both you and your work, which, if balanced properly, greatly values the experience of life, since you're much more aware of sensory information and more open to all sensations, both constructive and destructive. Great video, take it easy but go hard.

[@SilverOrSmthng]

i think this is one of my favorite videos ive ever watched

[@delvrook3882]

why must i cry

[@FelipeJimenez-sr9gu]

this was a really great video, came at the perfect time in my life. thank you for putting all this hard work into it!

[@uleursule9534]

This is done so beautifully. I think because I've come to understand how obsessive I become when creating: often forgeting friends, partners, other hobbies; I have stopped creating all together. Because art was The thing that I was persuing for so long, when I come back to it, I feel the need to be actually good at it, but as many artists know, when you take bigger breaks, your skills get dull and you need to practice the basics again, so every break means even more hours of work. I'm glad that I do not pressure myself as much as as I did before with art, but I cannot shake the feeling that when I come back to creating, it will take up every minute of my life just to make myself happy in this one sense. I cannot comprehend how art and creation has such a power in so many of our lives but yeah... there is no conclusion to this comment.

[@Major042]

Greatest video ive ever seen, thank you Tensai.

[@55555ivi]

I felt that. I've been sleeping around 6 hours or less since high school to have time to draw and practice. For 8 years I've been looking forward to draw my own comic and now I'm doing it. But now I have work, house chores, make food... Little time to draw, to follow my dreams. I'm on a bad streak rn. Bad sleeping, can't concentrate on the job, neither on the second chapter on my comic that I've been doing for one year. And for what? I had about 100 random people read it and my socials are being shadow banned. I've given so much of my time to this and I have found no success at all... I've been thinking of just doing this without trying to be successful but what is the purpose of doing art nad have nobody see it, not even a little of success. Why do this? Why keep doing this? I need the money of my main job. I started to get sick because I don't go out in weeks. No time to do that if want to be better... Could art have robbed me of my best years?

[@fey_wolf6309]

idk if it makes you feel a little bit better, idk if it _can_, it probably doesn't sound like words of compassion of support, but as i'm clumsy with wording, this is kind of a disclaimer. like, you're not alone in this and tho neither of us may have a definite answer to our questions, it's... less frightening when shared. anyway. been in the similar place, currently in the similar place, burned out former gifted kid who has always known they're going to be an artist, now a 27yo person who've gone through some love-hate relationship with their art. Went all the way through art college dreaming to illustrate books only to see the book industry in their country go to shit through these formative years. Spend a hellton of nerves and a couple breakdowns to be _the best_ while managing a job and a long-term relationship. Spend some more after-college years jumping from job to job, trying to recover from severe burnout and figure out what I really was. The relationship didn't work out - i realised that the role of a wife and possible mother isn't for me. Now i'm in a pretty good place having a job in a near-artistic sphere and coming to an understanding that I can't be anything other than that driven locomotive of creative ambition - not for money but for the sake of _making good art_. Here's the catch: now i have a (highly beloved and kinda demanding) job and chores on the one hand and long-forgotten-now-revived dreams (making cover art and merch for musicians, delving into music myself) on the other and no. goddamn. time. do i have another choice than stretching myself thin? have i wasted these 4-5 years on relationship and mindless searching while i could've focused on art and music? have i betrayed my way of the sword? the most crushing thing is that in terms of skill i feel just... mediocre. time spent out of constant practice took its toll. had i impaired myself and will never get where i strive to? is it too late? will it eventually kill me? the confusion of spending half of your life on a dream, then striving away from it and returning to find yourself not having bloomed into anything. 27 isn't much on the whole but feels like just too little too late.

[@bettyp5669]

I have to add something here. You need to determine what is important for you. What matters to you? The indeterminable success or art for the enjoyment and fulfillment of art? What matters most to you specifically? You can’t do everything at once, you’re only human. Take compassion in yourself, go slow, find balance and do what makes you happy to the extent that you can do it. Success may or may not come. You need to find something deeper, something stronger, to do what you want and to keep doing it. First and foremost, for you to be healthy of mind and body is most important because without that you can’t do much and will have less probability of inspiring anyone or finding success in anything.

[@sfadasfsfds3208]

i always thought i would live and die for my art until I started drawing and realised its 9 to 5 work

[@JohannesLilover]

Incredible video, you will no doubt get a life which you are proud of, good luck!