How Do You Know If You’re Marrying the Right Person?

[@jefftube58]

Coming up on 14 years with my wife. Couldn't be better. If you're looking for a spouse, ladies don't look for the perfect man - look for the man that is perfect for you. Same advice for the guys.

[@megalopolis2015]

[@mariahconklin4150]

Aw that's so cute.

[@gabrielamartiniuc6322]

If you’re already constantly bickering that’s a red flag IMO. Relationships aren’t perfect, but constantly bickering is toxic and draining.

[@zarahsgarden2097]

Long distance too.. it's like all your brief interactions are negative.. why would you want to be in a relationship like that? They're probably both toxic

[@zarahsgarden2097]

@@SarahConnor562 I think you misunderstood my comment. (Tho long distance wouldnt work for me personally) I just meant that its weird that they would spend their limited time together fighting. You're describing a healthy long distance relationship. Clearly not what they have lol

[@rustyshackleford6637]

​@@zarahsgarden2097 You're right because as people we have "time limits" with everyone we spend time with. Some people you can tolerate for one hour. Some people you can tolerate for three hours. Some people all day. If you're going to get married you better be sure this is the person you can spend a lot of time with.

[@mariahconklin4150]

@@rustyshackleford6637 Canada! nice.

[@aprilchow-chee5281]

​@@zarahsgarden2097 I think you're very judgemental! It's normal to have disagreements stuff happens you calling them both toxic from a short conversation like this shows who you are truly.

[@sherridevries9144]

26 years. Almost divorced 5 years ago. Rededicated our marriage with a ceremony, still together 🎉❤. Marriage is tough. Among other things, How you resolve things is crucial 🙏

[@megalopolis2015]

I'm grateful that you found your way back to one another. Sometimes we can forget just how precious and irreplaceable the person we are with really are. We can take them for granted, minimize their good points and accentuate their faults, while forgetting that they have to put up with ours, too. Couples who last aren't just Lovers of one another, but forgivers. Thank you for sticking it out.

[@sarahalderman3126]

Exactly. We’ve been married for 22 years and this last year has been the most difficult. We have both considered divorce over the last year. However with four children and lifetime together these decisions are never simple. Personally I love the idea of a recommitment ceremony❤

[@babyloobibovski2947]

Way to go! Good for you.

[@ecase727]

We have been married 42 years, nearly fell apart 20 years ago, it is much easier to slowly drift apart in time than you realize, it takes work. Coming through that we reconnected in a way I never felt before and was so much better. We could not be happier now going into retirement, as life moves on, you learn what is really important.

[@sherridevries9144]

@@megalopolis2015 loved all your words. Yes, forgivers of each other....🙏❤️ With 3 children and a long history, at the end of the day.... We just couldn't toss it all aside.

[@jh26pt2]

Coming up on ten years with my wife, and they have been the best ten years ever. For me, it was at least as much about becoming a good husband, as it was about finding a good wife.

[@KVW110]

There's another element that needs to be considered here: he is active duty. That adds another layer of complexity and nuance. I'm speaking as a former Navy wife. Even if the two of them are sure about each other, now, they're going to see marriages and relationships crumble around them.

[@Sharone123]

Married for almost 30 years this summer - happily married I might add. You don't know whether or not it will work, but never go to plan 'B'' thinking. Keep the 'A' game going and work on yourself. You can't change anyone else. You can only change you. Keep positive and keep dating your spouse. I love him more now than when were married and I was pretty crazy about him back then 😂

[@jh26pt2]

Congratulations! And so true that you are the only person you can change.

[@thaneros]

Inspirational, thanks

[@marlowilliams4264]

❤❤

[@tonymarin909]

Love this. What would you say is the secret to making it that long

[@Sharone123]

@@tonymarin909 Be selfless, forgive, be the biggest cheerleader for your spouse and be kind. Those would some of the top things to work on IMO.

[@MsMadmax1]

When you first start dating someone seriously, don't be so blinded by chemistry that you fail to find out exactly who it is you're marrying. In the beginning, everything is chemistry and fireworks. You're blinded to the other person's faults, shortcomings and quirks. I know this may sound jaded, but I wish I'd done a background check on my second husband. He seemed a little too eager to move in together. My low self-esteem made me so flattered that someone wanted to marry me that I didn't think to ask what kind of person he was. Had I looked, I would have found out that he had a warrant for his arrest from unpaid violations, that he had a history of felonies in his background, that his credit was in the toilet and that he'd committed several crimes that included drug dealing and cruelty to animals. I didn't think to ask him if he had any ambition other than being a grunt at a chemical facility or if he was interested in being a homeowner. He had no ambition and no plan for our lives. When I sold my house, he coerced me into buying a Corvette from his brother for him and then never allowed me to drive it. He committed fraud and grand theft from the company we both worked for. So without knowing any of this, he conned me into marrying him shortly after moving in together. Once he knew he had someone to cook, clean, do laundry and basically do all the stuff he didn't want to do around the house, he stopped paying any attention to me. Didn't want to have anything to do with my family, everything was done his way. There are so many questions I should have asked him about goals, life and where he saw himself in ten years but didn't. If I had to do it all over again, I would have done a background check before agreeing to marry him. He ruined my life, caused me to declare bankruptcy and live in poverty for the next decade. ALWAYS know as much as you can about the person you're marrying. Ask questions, do a background check. It will save you thousands in attorney's fees.

[@emilyearl1858]

Also don’t feel guilty about corroborating facts and checking for evidence.

[@megalopolis2015]

I am so sorry you went through that. It would be difficult not to question everyone's motives after enduring that amount of betrayal and abuse. I hope you were able to talk through this mountain of horrible stuff with a professional, and that you found some trustworthy friends.

[@JKNat9004]

One of the relationship coaches I follow here on KZbin talks about vetting someone while dating which means talk about all kinds of things. Bounce thought off of one another on various ways to look at things. Having a solid friendship within the dating relationship will bring the two people closer.

[@Mr_New_Vegas_685]

Who you choose to marry ties in to so many areas of your life. It will be a major factor in the amount of wealth you are able to obtain together as well as your happiness level. It is even tied to your overall health and lifespan. It is probably THE biggest single decisions you will make in your life. Choose wisely. No pressure.

[@nt3833]

Agree so much. There’s no more important decision.

[@JA-re8gi]

NO PRESSURE!!! 🥵🥵🥵

[@zee-zm1io]

Because of this pressure people are deciding not to choose 😅

[@BassBwoy3]

I deeply resonate with her question. I dated my ex for two years and proposed thinking it would work out. We were a cute couple to so many people around us, we had pretty good communication, laughed a lot and we didn't fight much at all...but post-engagement I uncovered secrets about her and realized in a number of areas that she had a hard time sharing about the embarrassing things she was guilty about. I saw 'some' red flags in two years, but it didn't seem as bad as some other relationships I've seen. Since we broke up, I keep wondering how to know that you are marrying the right person and that they're not just pretending to be someone they think you would love.

[@sensimania]

It would be a good start to make sure you share similar values, assess whether you're compatible with each other, and share at least 1 or 2 similar interests that you can enjoy together. Too many people fail to take these things into consideration and also ignore red flags because the relationship is either driven by lust, or desperation to find a "life partner" and create a family before time runs out.

[@nt3833]

Agree!

[@mariahconklin4150]

In this economy it's hard to have all that. I'd rather just be with someone and not get married.

[@sensimania]

@@mariahconklin4150 Do whatever is best for you. If I was single in this climate, I'd rather just remain single, lol!

[@JKNat9004]

​@@sensimania Too lonely after awhile, plus it makes you very set in your ways which eventually will annoy others.

[@letmebeyourocd]

The issue is when one person lies about those values- and they think by throwing a ring on your finger- that you’ll stay even when you find out those values aren’t actually shared.

[@vincentowoc6796]

100 percent agree to go all in. The two shall become one. Write down ten qualities you want your future spouse to have. Make sure you include important virtues like honest, forgiving, productive. Make a brutally honest assessment of yourself to determine if you possess these qualities. Do the necessary hard work to become virtuous and then you will easily recognize your future spouse when you meet him. Virtue is KEY! Two honest people will always have a better relationship than two dishonest people, two forgiving people will always have a better relationship, etc. I have never seen a great marriage where the spouses weren't both virtuous people.

[@rabblerousin8981]

This should be a billboard!

[@lav7161]

Dr. John hit the Bullseye on this one 🎯🎯🎯

[@matty8272]

Any marriage can last with enough compromise. Only then your not happy but together.

[@amybouchard]

The part of this video that really spoke to me is where Dr. John talks about going all in on your marriage. I’ve tried that. My partner wasn’t. I went all in and tried so hard to make the relationship work. He wasn’t all in. He didn’t try. I got hurt badly. But I tried, and I’m proud of myself for that. For Elle - I’d say, if you go all in, make sure he does the same. If he doesn’t, then that’s the moment you pause and back out, cause he’s not ready. Right now, you’re on pause for a reason. I’d explore that further with your partner and on your own. There’s something that’s holding you back…and it might be your own doubts or there might be something more to it.

[@mariahconklin4150]

That's when I block my ex and ignore him for two days which works for me but what works for me may not work for him. But he is working on himself and I am working on myself this is why we are not together we aren't healthy enough to be in a relationship. Now we are both all in. But yes in your case he wasn't all in and that's sad.

[@kristinam2719]

Not sure Dr. D should be joking around with callers who are very nervous, if you know what I mean - lol?! I have been married for 30+yrs and, if I were to do it again, I would have married someone who is more flexible and less rigid. Being able to repair disagreements is really important, as Dr D states.

[@megalopolis2015]

I'll be praying that his heart softens a bit and that he will take in information to be able to fairly compromise more.

[@pipperlue]

She is only 22. I usually like John’s advice but telling someone whose brain isn’t even fully developed yet to “go all in” with a boy is a bit much. Especially because it seems her whole family has seen red flags for years and she is extremely unsure herself. Totally agree about not approaching and being in relationships with one foot out the door though, beautifully said, but should apply to adults at a more mature stage of life.

[@SquidwardsBigFatNose]

Yeah when shes 25 she'll know everything

[@thaneros]

@@SquidwardsBigFatNose It really depends on the person. There are 40 yr olds that are stuck at 16.

[@Ryan-wx1bi]

​@@SquidwardsBigFatNose exactly. When I turned 25 I magically knew thermal dynamics and string string theory

[@ajones8008]

she may have to learn from her mistakes

[@rachelgee7894]

I was married at 19 and have been married for 10 years while many of our friends divorced. Age doesn't matter but red flags do.

[@EAAAA1505]

Good question! I have the same issue. I want to get married but wondering if it is even worth to risk it all.

[@megalopolis2015]

Maybe go into premarital counseling (even if no one has proposed yet) just to see if you are both on the same page, and, if not, if you can or will do what it takes to get there.

[@mariahconklin4150]

If that's what you want you seem sure about it so why not proceed with caution?

[@MrJimmy3459]

I got news for you there is no such thing as Mr. or Mrs. Right, that's a comforting lie they tell you

[@janelleg597]

They're all Left's

[@mysterio1570]

Mr. jimmy. Your on the money on this. I think that life has to be managed.

[@beataslupska9847]

I was 100% sure he is the one for whole life……no doubts…. 17 years later we divorcing ….

[@Erica-wz8yv]

Same here. Except only 6 years married 😔

[@megalopolis2015]

I'm sorry. Praying for you both.

[@soni05131]

Same, he was a wonderful guy. Checked all my boxes, had a wonderful son. Had the house, the cars, the vacations and then it ended. He wanted out after 23 yrs, we divorced. It's been 11y. Stay strong!

[@lilsamantha1]

Damn

[@firefly9838]

Well he was the "one".... for 17 years ☺️

[@tristanrodenhauser5267]

Really think women especially need space to be single, take time to learn about themselves, take a few trips etc in their early 20s before getting in serious relationships. Men take this space often and grow from it.

[@woofwoofdoggo]

John's advice is a hit and miss often. But the "All in" advice is solid. If you're not all in, it's a doomed marriage.

[@jcstuart6978]

Until our society gets back to making time to focus on what cannot be seen by using our hearts and eyes through the discernment of the Holy Spirit we will remain insecure about big commitments like Holy Matrimony.

[@jessicajessica1921]

John - I think this is a great learning call. Maybe share some really happily married people as callers. Millions of people are happily married, we just don’t hear from them!

[@klickingkayasmr7585]

Yes, why don’t happily married people speak up?? Share the secrets??

[@monikaleszko5343]

#1 rule. Don’t discuss your fights with everyone esp family

[@j_me]

Elle, if you're reading this, 2 years ago I was almost in the exact same situation. My husband and I had broken up at least 5 times prior to us living together (met online), so I thought that meant that we were inherently toxic or something. I later realized that the fights mostly resulted from me being insecure, and us spending more time together (and not only talking late at night on discord after we were both tired) and improving our communication allowed us to become so much more stable once I realized how serious he was about me. I don't know if that part applies to you, but I just wanted to say that long distance just adds so much strain and bickering that wouldn't otherwise be there Edit: I want to add that I got married at 25 (husband 26). It was mostly so we could live in the same country but please don't rush marriage if you can afford not to

[@mariahconklin4150]

huh. Intersting. I always thought me and my ex were toxic together also I told myself I don't want to end up like my neighbor now we are both working on ourselves and yes it was from our insecurities and childhood past. But like I'm changing he needs to change to. Like if he wants to stay sober it's best I stay sober to because then it can get toxic but the person needs to want to change and go to the length to change.

[@fbbWaddell]

I like how John lit up for that question before responding.

[@okaycola2]

Your work is high quality. Thanks for using your heart

[@thegiftofgabby5581]

She sounds so young

[@Some_kind_of_wonderfü]

This was a really helpful call 🙏🏼

[@nt3833]

It seems like you shouldn’t have this much doubt about the person you are planning to marry. There should be excitement and also a strong sense of commitment. I can’t tell if she is unsure of this guy or if she is just insecure because of the divorce in her family.

[@amandam4325]

Thank you both for the honesty!

[@iscavengersam]

I really liked this conversation. Very helpful advice.

[@pulidobl]

I don’t think we ever know for sure. Marriage is a lot of hard work. Things and situations change. It stops working when you stop putting effort in the relationship…jmo

[@aprilchow-chee5281]

Marriage is hard but its 2 people choosing each other over and over again even when they don't like each other.

[@9liveslisa]

I was going to say she was a very wise girl too.

[@joesillamanrs7189]

Bickering isn’t good. All in for sure is critical. However, they’re young…They could end up believing the “grass is greener”

[@chasezilka1984]

Thats risk of marriage

[@jacquelinelewis5627]

We're 39 and my husband I have a great marriage and relationship I think probably the most important thing to figure out is what each of you want out of life we have a few friends where the wife wanted to have kids and husband didn't but he had them anyway and now he's totally miserable and she's miserable because he doesn't want to be around and do family stuff LOL I told my husband in the beginning and made it clear that I didn't want to have kids I love our pets and I want to travel and see the world he said he was fine with that and that kids were a priority to him no it's great we go on International trips every year do some domestic trips throughout the year we have more disposable income we spoil all our pets LOL and we just enjoy our life together😊

[@mariahconklin4150]

That's amazing! This is the life I want so badly.

[@matthewbrandon931]

38 Special Hold on loosely But don't let go If you hold on too tightly You're gonna lose control.

[@Ja50nkAt]

Just don't pick wrong and you're good, easy peasy.

[@rachelgee7894]

I seriously think the key to marriage is just picking right. 10 years in and very happy.

[@grateful7420]

That’s fortunate for you. However it’s not always easy peasy & simple. I picked well, Everyone thought he was the best. Behind closed doors, the moment we got married, he was horribly abusive, manipulative. I did (above and beyond) Everything I knew to make it better. I had to divorce. He Still is manipulative & absolutely horrible to this day, especially with endless lying & turning my sons against me. 💔 I’m having a Really hard time trusting myself to make a good choice again. Still single after 20 years after divorce.

[@zarahsgarden2097]

​@grateful7420 there are always some red flags if you know what to look for. You can learn about body language, deception detection, narcissistic tendencies and manipulation tactics. Learning about these things can help you identify and AVOID manipulative narcissists so you can find a truly good partner.

[@Ja50nkAt]

Oh, my comment was sarcasm 😂

[@megalopolis2015]

Yeah, simple shmimple. LOL.

[@mjrh45]

She is only 22. I recommend she do some traveling and concentrate more on what really matters in her life.

[@nt3833]

Love and commitment do not matter in life? I know a lot of people in their 30s who are still single because they spent time doing the things you mentioned, just having fun/partying etc. Well they may be passing up the opportunity to find a beautiful lifetime relationship with someone, especially if they want to have kids.

[@kristinrichmond8185]

Do some traveling??? What the?? Traveling means nothing.

[@JKNat9004]

​@@kristinrichmond8185 Traveling can give you new surroundings to expand your mind and learn a new culture. It changes you a little bit to get out of the same old comfort zone. The same goes for taking classes, whether it's toward a degree, getting better at your existing job, or learn a new hobby, plus also meeting new people. At age 21-25 a person is likely to have lived with their parents most of their life.

[@maemcdonald79]

I’m one of those “million Americans” that are roommates with their spouse. I don’t want to feel this way anymore and I don’t want my husband to feel this way. What can I do to make this better?

[@PoliSciGuy]

Long distance isn’t real

[@davidmackinnon5138]

50/50 relationships don't work. The marriages that survive and last decades until death are 100% on both sides. You have to do 100% and the spouse has to do 100%. If both parties are not doing their full part, it will end in divorce. Go all in.

[@masterofthemash5310]

But what is oversharing in a marriage ?

[@jo122834]

I don’t think John’s advice to “go all in” is what this woman needs to hear. It is good advice, provided that you’re with someone who is compatible. I have a feeling this caller and her partner are not, hence her hesitation. The advice here would not be “go all in” but “evaluate this person carefully and know the signs of a healthy relationship”.

[@klickingkayasmr7585]

John was saying “go all in “ in marriage

[@kristenivory628]

Yeah this isn’t your guy! Long distance = cheating most of the time, bickering no.

[@tanyamilewski5700]

If he gets mad they are right.being married to a toddler with a big ego is the worst. You will be signing up for misery and possibly violence or worse

[@JoyleiaJo]

9:26 all in

[@brentayers3132]

Don’t do it, Elle. You’re 22. It’s time to live your life and meet new people, not cling to something familiar.

[@brightpage1020]

100% sure?!? 😱 Here's the thing, Bae: You can't ever be 100% sure of them. Nobody has a crystal ball. And people change. But you can be 100% certain that no matter what happens, you'll handle your life circumstances with dignity, grace, and power. You'll trust your higher power to help guide and inform you of whatever you need to know about the fiance now and into your marriage. You can make a decision not to stay in denial if you sense anything's off and to get support like counseling if you ever need it with or without him on board in the moment. If you trust yourself to handle whatever comes your way, you don't even need to check your trust in him or not. So stay strong with your friendships and those relationships that are 100% for your best interest from before he came along because they'll return the favor and be there for you of ever he can't or won't ;o) cast a wide net of loved ones you support and they'lk return the favor ten fold. It doesn't have to be lovers but friends are the family you chose... And family can really be a boon to your marriage if you protect your role in each relationship. You got this.. Take the adventure! It's worth it. If it's the right person, you won't need to ask anyone and you will take anything anyone says with a grain of salt with critical thinking skills. You'll feel a sense of peace when he's there and when he isn't. That peace will follow yoir relationship and you'll bring it wherever the 2 of you go... Things won't be perfect. No human ever was (except Jesus, if you happen to be Cbristian). You won't always agree. You'll anger and annoy each other... And - if kids come along or circumstances surprise you whole new levels of challenge you need to team up for happen...or promotions or aspjrations or opportunities... That can benefit you as much as they can threaten your relation ship if you don't both put your marriage 1st. Even 1st before children! Even special needs children! It happens. People survive. If they're lucky. Luckier together but only if you listen to your intuition and follow it before during and after the wedding. If you have doubts, it's ok to postpone and wait out the nuptials until you figure out whether it's cold feet or something inside you trying to tell you something more serious. You're worth the wait and so is your future. You have all the time in the world. No rush, especially these days. Better to look both ways than get into an accident. Take the time. You're worth it. If he is offended or makes you feel guilty for needing more time, that could be a clue to his level of respect for you or reverence for the institution of marriage. You got this. Listen to your instincts. You can chose this. You can chose happiness either way.

[@EdelweisSusie]

Why doesn’t Dr John just cut to the chase and say “You’re TOO YOUNG to get tied down - go live a life and not tag on to someone else’s”. I guarantee her relationship will fail, 100%.

[@JA-re8gi]

Only the ones in which the wife listens to Dr. John Simp Delony.

[@secretpal6039]

Why is she worrying about a relationship at 22? She should explore the world and enjoy being a young, free single person. Why rush into a “serious” relationship? Plenty of time later for that.

[@tracyguenther4547]

She sounds so unsure and being so young I say wait on marriage.

[@soni05131]

Lots of red flags.

[@SnowFoxParty]

I almost married the wrong person...im glad i stopped

[@xAsterisk]

It's very telling when John says, "GROSS" every time the idea of a loving partner comes up. Someone said this in another comment section and I hear it every time now. A one-or-twice joke is fine. However, let's not knock healthy love with immaturity or projection on others if things are rocky with you

[@marcusarelius]

If both of your beliefs center around Jesus, most of what John said here is just noise.

[@cashway0420]

Looks like little Dabby D hasn't showed up yet... he must be playing Rocket League or mommy and daddy grounded him from the internet

[@mxusa8383]

RIP to this guy 😂 she will be bored and cheating soon enough. She doesn’t see this guy as her best option and that’s why she’s all wishy washy with him. Will only lead her to another man the moment the tingles hit on the cute guy in the office making funny jokes. Seen this play out far more often than I care to admit.

[@djpuplex]

The amount of infertility in the military is nuts. Guarantee she's looking around. She just called for validation this was the most unproductive conversation I've ever heard.

[@JustinCase780]

Infidelity? Broom on the porch. 😂

[@flashthecorgi2053]

What in the heck does infertility have to do with the military???

[@Emptytopfloor]

Think it’s infidelity 😊

[@flashthecorgi2053]

@@Emptytopfloor that makes way more sense. Thank you!

[@someguynamedvictor]

Never enter into a contract in which one part is rewarded for breaking it and the mediator is incentivized for it to not work out(the government). There is zero reason for a man to enter a legalized 3-way couple with the government. It’s quite simple.

[@mexicanachulax3]

Ahhh scary 😭😭😭

[@hillsideonly]

At least 80 percent of them are doomed, It's just a matter of time till the cookie crumbles.

[@SquidwardsBigFatNose]

Dont push your sad life on the rest of us please

[@SaystheTruth3]

Agree!

[@hillsideonly]

@@SquidwardsBigFatNose observe your surroundings, wait and see.

[@Melissa.712]

She's sleeping with other men that's why she's not all in!

[@megalopolis2015]

That's a bit of a stretch.

[@joesillamanrs7189]

He could too. Super easy on military TDYs

[@BeginnerDoesTech]

What makes you jump to that conclusion lol

[@joesillamanrs7189]

@@BeginnerDoesTech err, never done, but have first hand witnessed

[@DBS472]

What is she worried about? If she leaves she gets most of the assets, CS, alimony, and gov assistance.

[@melissam7067]

don't worry about it, she'll be doing the majority of the childcare during the marriage (if it goes that far) and likely after (if it doesnt work out)