How Do You Serve a Friend in Despair? David Brooks on Loss & Suicide | Amanpour and Company

[@carolshannon6449]

I had it. Friends have since asked, "why didn't you talk to me? I love you, you could have talked to me..." I honestly believed that I was emotionally "radioactive" - that if I went to friends, I would bring them down with me, and/or they would shun me - who wants to be around someone who is such a downer? I learned then that depression - there are many levels and forms - but the deep dark stuff, it's excruciatingly painful, and it's delusional, it changes how you think and see the world. You can't get out of it easily, and it wears you down. Had it not been for my little cat, who sensed my feelings and clung to me with all her little self, loving me so deeply (plus I knew her chances of being re-adopted were virtually nil) and a friend who kept checking in with me, I would possibly not be here. Mr. Brooks has the right ideas, they are more important than you can imagine.

[@fowleheidi482]

So happy for you that you had a cat and a friend. My parrot would know when I was sad, lethargic, etc.. his special sweet hellooo? Or even yelling "cracker"! his word for a treat, would pull me out of myself beyond any self motivation. Feeling needed and valued is key. But during depression it might feel like a burden if a friend calls, so you ignore the call no matter who is calling, nevermind bothering to look@ the phone. Loved family and friends asking questions you can't answer yourself unbearable. But your loving animal in your face is priceless. They speak in volumes of love and kindness.

[@averygordon5334]

My cat seems to help me, too.

[@ameliataylor4727]

PAINFUL … Broken Heartedness that becomes unbearable. So hard.

[@dvl889]

I know what Pete was going through. The experience of a deep, dark depression is so painful. You think suicide is the only answer and you think your family would be better off without this lifeless person in their lives. The shame of not being able to function is excruciatingly painful. I struggled for years, I worked with an outstanding Jungian Therapist, she was from Italy and attended The Jung Institute in Switzerland. I saw her once a week for 20 years & tapered off for the next 10 years. She altered her fees for me, towards the end she did not bill me at all for our one hour sessions which would sometimes last for two hours. How fortunate I was to have this Angel of Mercy in my life. Her compassion and wisdom was lifesaving. Last year Paola moved back to Italy, I miss her, I am forever grateful for her generosity & wise counsel. My primary physician just retired after 35 years. She took good care of me for over 30 years, managing my medications carefully, adjusting when needed & working with me to find the right medicine if changes were needed. I did attempt suicide once, (overdosed with sleeping pills),my husband got me to the emergency room & the ER Doctor saved my life. Life circumstances overwhelmed me & I just gave up. I think it was about 5 years ago…I resumed my sessions with Paola & continued to see my doctor. Today I am well and almost free of black hole depression. I will be 84 years old this October. I look forward to my days with my precious granddaughter, she’s eight years old & the joy of my life. ❤❤ I want to say more about how to serve your friend when his life is full of despair, but I’ve gone on too long now. I may write another reply to suggest the ways I’ve survived this horrible disease. Let me end with the most important decisions I made in finding the best therapist & doctor. And that is do your research and find these exceptional professionals that you trust & respect. DVL Maine

[@kathya1321]

Thanks for sharing your experience. It’s really helpful for those who want to help but feel so helpless.. you and Mr Brooks said the same thing .. just be there.. be present.. don’t ask why.. just hold a hand, listen, check in, be present. Bravo for your courage , strength and moving forward. ❤️

[@utubefreshie]

David Brooks' words are so deep and profound! I've had the privilege of meeting him at an event in the Baltimore library where I work and he was such a nice man. He agreed to take a selfie with me. But I really love how he's gone into more emotional and philosophical topics recently more than just the politics. Such a good man. Also, such a sensitive and masterful interview by Hari Sreenivasan.

[@Sassinator2014]

My brother spiraled into depression and intentionally drank until his body couldn’t recover. His slow motion suicide was so frustrating and painful to watch and the helplessness it engendered in his family and friends was (and still is) heart wrenching. Only after his death did we discover his journals and see the depth of his despair. That was in 2017. Last year, our niece, at the tender age of 17, hung herself rather than continue on. She’d been to a myriad of camps and groups for troubled teens. Desperate measures had been deployed to “pull her out of it”. To no avail. She was preparing for her new job (she was very excited about) mere days before she left us. The stigma of mental health needs to be removed. Talking, reaching out, being safe in our vulnerability needs to be normalized. Thank you for this discussion and giving this topic a spotlight. So many (too many) are suffering in silence and shame. We cannot bring back those we’ve lost but we can make their loss count. Let’s keep talking, sharing, supporting, embracing, listening.

[@myindigoblues5796]

Thank you for this. Powerful words 🙏❤️

[@virginiamoss7045]

Great discussion. Having suffered from depression most of my life I would add a few other things to never say to someone with depression: Oh, just cheer up. Just think positively! Everybody gets blue now and then. Snap out of it. Try exercising. Tomorrow will be a better day. Just get up and do what needs to be done. Life is not that hard. I've heard them all and many more. Hope some viewers learned something from Mr. Brooks.

[@waldemar594]

And was there anything someone said to you that you did find helpful? I'm at a loss to know how to help...

[@virginiamoss7045]

@@waldemar594 No. I masked myself to not let on I needed help and understanding. I was raised to just do as I was told and not complain about anything. I believed there was no help for me. Fortunately, I managed to get along in life, even have my own business for nearly 40 years that was successful. I found a way to just make myself survive. Some sufferers, sadly, can't muster what it takes, though; they are worse off than me. I was depressed from puberty to menopause when it very slowly began to lift to where now in retirement I am free. Must have to do with female hormones, I think.

[@rileyhoffman6629]

Tragic. David is describing my 2021-2022, my fifth lifetime depression. Unbelievably horrible, altered state of consciousness not subject to talk therapy. I was psychotic, literally, and it sounds like Pete was, as well. I'm not ready to die, but I don't know why I'm alive. RE: moving heaven and earth to address the problem: this would mean a top to bottom reorganization of our socioeconomic existence; it ain't gonna happen. Our greedy corporate system would rather kill us.

[@Cathy-xi8cb]

No corporate system creates psychotic depression. Those delusions and/or hallucinations aren't coming from greed. We don't know why you suffered those, but no one put them there, they didn't arise from financial woes or workplace woes (most people who face profound evil and loss do not become psychotic), and they don't automatically ebb when you rise to the top of a corporate system. Hence, the finance guy from New Canaan CT that stepped off a NYC building from the top.

[@hersheylima5482]

Riley is correct, our system is dysfunctional & getting worse Fans of David Brooks can hear bits of solutions Investing in people, healthcare, R & D and having communities & institutions

[@MrMichaelDodd]

@@Cathy-xi8cb Are you gaslighting someone with clinical depression? I'm pretty sure that is not what he is saying. I can't speak for him, but what I hear (and feel) is that evil corporations didn't create his depression. However, a value system of our country and the greed and soft corruption of our medical system prevents the significant change required to address this terrible condition. I will grant the socioeconomic existence my be a bit much, but in general, that sounds like a rational assessment of the situation. If you have experience the mental health system and have had a different experience, I would count yourself lucky. I don't pretend to understand his pain. But I know for sure, you don't either. Besides, even if what you say is true, do the corporations need you defending them to someone who is suffering. If you suffer from a mental illness or if it has touched your like in a significant way, I am sorry if this feels like an attack.

[@claudiadealmeida216]

@@MrMichaelDodd 100%. Cathy's response begs for her to look into her own issues, pronto.

[@kikijewell2967]

If smart phones increased the depression in girls and increased the suicidal ideation and planning, then, yeah, there's an example of how greed is making us sick. My own depression is linked to my (intentional?) financial dependence on my husband who just left. If I knew my basic needs would be met while I try to find a career that will take a headstrong housewife... I might not be so terrified and hopeless.

[@kathleenscullion8348]

Courageous men tackling this poignant and distressing subject.

[@NowHari]

Thanks for watching.

[@j.p.morgan8367]

My son took his life in 2013 at the age of 36. He had had a difficult time off and on for 15 years. To see photos from that period, you would think that here is someone who is together. His condition got too much. He checked himself into the hospital. He was released too soon and a week later he left us. My first reaction before the reality hit was ''His pain is over.'' MIne began. There are still difficult moments. To all you who are suffering who have written in, I wish I could do something to make a difference more than just saying that my heart goes out to you.

[@papabear2515]

I’m sorry for the loss of your son.

[@barbarawinkle1042]

Just your sincere and loving wish is welcome and helpful. Blessings and heartfilled prayers to you and all dealing with these issues. All of your comments say much about compassion. Thank you!

[@papabear2515]

@@barbarawinkle1042 blessings to you too. Be gentle with yourself. It is all so much to hold.

[@lauriebarnett5387]

Sending you waves of hope and hugs. I am so sorry for the loss of your child. Wishing you peace

[@ipainthouses9591]

Face to face communication always was and always will be more valuable than social media.

[@brendaoneill1581]

I'm so sorry for all who are struggling with depression or those loved ones who are

[@vince3586]

Thank you, David and Hari, for such an emotionally honest discussion. It's good for all of us to see men in this light: emotion filled, vulnerable, loyal. As a psychologist I especially appreciate the timeliness of this discussion.

[@TerlinguaTalkeetna]

The high value placed on money, power, and fame indicates something of a sickness of spirit and heart in our country that David Brooks has been addressing in his work and life for a while now. Thank you, Mr. Brooks. I slowly over a long period of time came to really respect your work and your pov more and more as we both have aged! Please continue sharing your observations, folks need to hear unpleasant truths as well as joyful and compassionate truths. Strive on. As for Hari this was top self work as well.

[@lindawellner5415]

Never deny another's reality

[@vmcelvis]

Thanks David Brooks for such a candid and heartfelt testimony. Losing my stepdad in 72' to suicide alone on a lonely hard scrabble ranch in northern Mt ripped through our family like a blizzard wind and blew us to the directions. We're still picking up the pieces

[@fozzz-vb5oj]

Keep On Fighting and Living 💪🦾💪🦾🐕🐾🐾💞

[@fozzz-vb5oj]

Thanks for Sharing RESPECT AND LOVE

[@papabear2515]

I’m sorry for what you have been through. As a side note, your description is quite descriptive/powerful.

[@fozzz-vb5oj]

@@papabear2515 I still gotta be here And WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER ✌️

[@papabear2515]

@@fozzz-vb5oj take good, good care.

[@kathya1321]

What a beautiful and yet painful interview . Thank you Hari for yet another profound discussion. It’s helpful to me as I have friends and family who suffer from depression. Your guest was so touching and such a good friend.❤️👏🏼❤️💔❤️💔

[@NowHari]

Thanks for watching. Good luck to you.

[@kathya1321]

Thank you Mr Brooks for sharing your story… it was beautiful & painful all at the same time. Your insight is incredibly helpful, appreciated & valued. I learned a lot from your experience. You’re a good, good man.

[@reginar0529]

Thank you, Mr. Brooks Great interview, Hari. What a unique conversation - it honors Pete’s life so sensibly - it offers so many compassionate insights that can be helpful to those close to someone with depression. I

[@ameliataylor4727]

Thank you. Two things: 1. I believe suicide is the consequence of overwhelming pain. Heartache too profound to endure. 2. I highly recommend you read Yiyun Li’s book: DEAR FRIEND, FROM MY, LIFE I WRITE TO YOU, IN YOUR LIFE. The memoir is a sophisticated expression of a suicidal depressive. She makes very clear that family and loved ones should neither feel blame (themselves) or resentment (toward the one they’ve lost). Her descriptions of the thinking with a clinically depressed mind lead me to feel overwhelming compassion and some understanding as to how little our current medical system understands, thus is inadequate to help. Blessings to us all. 🙏🏻

[@icingcake]

This makes a lot of sense - the overwhelming pain as an explanation. Thank you

[@myindigoblues5796]

I’m so sorry, Dad. Thank you for this. Thank you, PBS and David Brooks - everyone, for having this discussion 🙏🧡 So important, and powerful words here. Also, thank you for your shares in the comments. My heart goes out to the losses and those loved ones left behind. We love our people dearly.

[@bkm2797]

Such a delicate subject that touches many tender places. I agree with David, it's being there, letting them know you love them and will walk with them is so helpful.

[@NowHari]

Thanks for watching.

[@soniaalvarado5372]

Our understanding about mental health illness is still poor. Many people believe that you can snap out of it. We need more empathy and kindness. We’d never say to someone who was dying of cancer “just get over it” or suggest that positive thinking would cure the disease. If they died, we wouldn’t blame them. I view mental illness as a cancer of the mind. Some people live with it, some die from it and some get a reprieve.

[@Blonde111]

People do not want to be around a person with depression, even if it’s situational. So called friends say they want to help but in my opinion, it’s just nonsense. People dont want to be bothered… that’s why people feel it would be doing others a favor by killing themselves.

[@wordzmyth]

I agree with you. But actually people did tell me that cancer was a lack of positive thinking and that I should try harder. And that some random thing I ate years ago obviously caused it. And that made me feel furious and let down. That wrong blaming thinking is even more common with mental health and depression. For both cancer and depression treatment is the most important thing. When i had moderate to severe depression what worked for me was old school tricyclic antidepressants and had accupunture. Then some kind of talk therapy and reawakening that will to eat, walk outside, see a bird or a tree. If you are lucky hug an animal. Maybe a person who calls or answers the phone without judgment.

[@averygordon5334]

It's so true. I'm 70 and I still deal with it everyday. It truly is Hell, and people don't have a clue - or they don't care.

[@deborahedelman2659]

Me 2...same age as you!

[@waldemar594]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I'm sure, like Mr. Brooks & Hari, I don't have a clue how to help (although I went through my own depression years ago), but I do care -- as I'm sure many you know do as well -- but just don't know how to help... Best of luck to you ♥

[@birbluv9595]

This is very wise, David. You packed a lot into this. I’m sorry you have gone through grief over Pete, but you are right - he was on a racing locomotive and there’s nothing you could have done, really, except to be kind and nonjudgmental.

[@mariewilson6115]

Just found out my son's very best friend (they are in their late 20's) has serious depression. He and my son have been best friends since they were 8 but have become estranged because he never calls my son back to get together and my son didn't know about the depression. His mom told me last week and I told my son. He has reached out to him and I am hoping they can reconnect.

[@michelenakamura3360]

My best friend, Steve, killed himself September 10, 2001, the day before 9/11. I was in the psych ward, 2008, when I realization that my family/friends were "angry" like I was with Steve. The dispare you feel when nothing is working. That's when I said, out loud and written "Suicide Is Not An Option ". I gave people permission to ask if I was OK. IF I needed to self admit. I gave myself permission to say I need to self admit and I have. I've not been hospitalized since 2015 because I have the right to live, to love, to be loved and die a natural death. Surviving someone's suicide is a lifetime journey. I'm thankful I'm on this journey. LIVE LONG AND PROSPER. STAR TREK: SPOCK

[@sideshowbobrobert]

when David takes off his ideological blinders his humanity shines through. it's a lesson i wish more people in this country would heed - especially now...

[@BloomByCC]

Thank you Mr. Brooks for being who you are in this very difficult world. I wish you peace.

[@karenvknight6516]

Tending to each other. This was wonderful.

[@canadianhappyinitalytruest6556]

I just read this article and it encouraged me to talk to a loved one about getting some help and now they’re in therapy. Thank you for your work and kindness

[@salliedixon6424]

This touched my heart in so many ways❣️ thank you for opening your hearts and sharing💕

[@NowHari]

Thanks for watching.

[@eileenmahoney3250]

Beautiful and poignant discussion. Thank you gentlemen for shedding light on depression.

[@gregwilvert]

People assume suicide is always the worst thing a person can do. However, Some people will not recover from depression or other chronic conditions that cause immense suffering. Who am I to judge the decision of someone who simply can’t take it anymore? I have a lifelong neurological condition that has gotten really bad the last few years. I am going to end this nonsense of struggling to get through every day. Maybe soon, maybe in a couple of years. I don’t think I’m clinically depressed. Still love my hobbies and hanging out with a couple of good friends. Please understand that people can suffer over many years and it is merciful that the option of suicide exists.

[@gretahelphrey7842]

Thank you so much for sharing this conversation. So many good points are made here, but I’d like to highlight one that has special resonance for me as a caregiver. I lost my husband 10 1/2 years after a near-fatal bicycle accident which left him brain-injured and medically fragile. Friends and family fell away over time resulting in my deepening isolation and exhaustion. But there were a few friends and family who drew near and offered me their presence. What a gift! And, on several occasions, my daughter arranged for my husband to live in a care facility for a month so I could sleep and just take care of myself. The greatest kindness friends gave was just their presence as David said. Just being present is a kindness we show each other whether we are weak or strong, well or unwell, young or old.

[@pon1952leod]

Remember when there were true asylums where you could go for care and protection. Our lives ask so much from us …the concept of mental exhaustion has been labelled as weakness, something to get over. We’re doing a poor job at teaching this society how to process the sorrows of life and more importantly…self love. This was a very important offering from David Brooks.

[@birbluv9595]

You touch on something important here. “Our lives ask so much from us”, and there’s no escape. No one can really understand what another person is going through, and every mental illness is individual to that person. My case was complicated by bipolar disorder with elects of schizophrenia and OCD, decades ago when it was a terrible shame you could not about to almost anyone. Psychotic breaks make no sense to “normal” people.

[@rubberbiscuit99]

Well said.

[@Cathy-xi8cb]

Those asylums were where men legally put their wives they no longer wanted, and their children that weren't following the rules. The state asylums were scary. Worked briefly in three of them as a student before the system shuttered in the late 80's. I saw autistic adults playing with their feces, and men with their foreheads hollowed out. They'd had lobotomies in their 20's. So much for "care and protection" in the old days.

[@wrylife57]

"... the elemental social skills of tending to each other." There's your next book, Mr. Brooks.

[@katsong3302]

and shared with youngsters pre-teen

[@towanda1067]

Great advice to not only be there for your friend, but also for their caretakers.Quakers call it holding people in the light, quietly and unobtrusively sharing your strength and love and inner peace as they move through the difficult times in their lives. Empowering them as much as you can just by being present for them.

[@BC25citizen]

Mr. Brooks, we have seen the pain in your eyes over the past couple of years. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend. (Sorry for the loss of Mark Shields, too.). The for your story. Take care. ❤

[@stevemann5169]

I lost my son to this one year and one month ago to this . He was 15. Nathan Mann 9/7/06-1/19/22💔

[@NowHari]

Saddened for your loss. Thank you for watching.

[@toninatoli]

So deeply sorry for you, your family and your dear boy🙏

[@michaelbrockman5742]

Thank you for saying that depression is not an extension of sadness and Stephen Fry’s advice to someone who is depressed to not ask them why they are depressed. Not helpful but is actually hurtful.

[@daver1787]

Genius.

[@philipciaffa6643]

As I approach 70 years of age, my belief system has evolved considerably, in no way resembling the paradigm of my upbringing and formative years. David's observation about moral formation is especially relevant to the effects of alienation, isolation, competitiveness, disrespect, incivility and longing, experienced by so many today. Whether one's life is long or short, or the circumstances in which they leave, they are going on ahead and are not lost to you forever. The decision to end one's life, in spite of the trajectory of that person's life, is usually precipitous and impulsive, and irrevocable. We all need to do better, treat each other more kindly and generously. Reject the polarization, negativity and disrespect so common today. Be less selfish, self-absorbed and more patient. An important conversation! David and Hari are making the world a better place through their work and example.

[@lemostjoyousrenegade]

Well said, Philip.

[@MargaretLeverenz]

This is SUCH an important message. This was me. Mr. Brooks describes the suffering of this illness PERFECTLY.

[@brendaoneill1581]

Thankyou for keeping the discussion open ... keep reaching out to the ones you love

[@nancyl6745]

This is one of the most true and valuable discussions about clinical depression I have ever seen.

[@fowleheidi482]

I'm studying childhood psychology and I absolutely agree that kids need to interact as well as adults and tend for each other.

[@rickriley9866]

Thank you, Mr. Brooks. This helps.

[@mrvhaynes]

6:13 “Don’t think you can understand it by extrapolating from your own periods of sadness. It’s not an extension of sadness, it’s an altered state of consciousness.” Powerful words.

[@lisadiane55]

Often, people's response is to want to help, give advice, say the right thing to turn around the sufferer's thinking. They mean well. The problem is deeper than needing to make a gratitude list, thinking of those less fortunate, volunteer in the community, turn to spirituality, etc. etc. David's words are so wise and compassionate. Being truly present, bearing witness, reassurance that you won't flee the depressed friend can at least be of some comfort.

[@missshroom5512]

This was so thoughtful❤️…I too have experienced suicide in my family and I also have struggled with major depressive disorder so I understand your talk in both ends. I got mine around 43ish and I’m now 53. I see a trend that I don’t hear many talk about….Puberty and The Change of Life. What I have discovered is there are brain chemicals that come to us …in puberty…and brain chemicals that leave us..in the change of life. Why are we all so scared to talk about sexuality coming and leaving us in our life and how it is normal and it is okay.? If all we feed ourselves about it is movies and porn we will never feel normal as a society. Movies and porn are not real …just like Fox News. We need to to be honest and learn how to openly talk about these MAJOR transitions in life.🌱🌷☀️🌻🍁🍂❄️⛄️

[@annerobinson2288]

Thank you for sharing, David. He was lucky to have you even though he moved on.

[@eaglecoeur]

Such an important conversation. Depression is so misunderstood. ❤️

[@francoisederocher]

David Brooks, you are my hero. No matter the topic, you find the right words and the right tone to help me understand what seemed beyond comprehension. Your moral compass is impeccable and your kindness and humanity pours out of everything you say. Thank you for that great interview which I shared with many people.

[@dvl889]

How do you talk to yourself about self worth, about those voices in your head that criticize your every mistake from the past. The relentless feelings of unworthiness that fade & then return with a vengeance…Well meaning friends try to comfort you & you end up feeling guilty because of their concern for you. I have to stop here now. I want to return to finish, to share my recovery. Thank you David Brooks, for opening up this very important, sensitive discussion .

[@paulwheeler6609]

His point about teaching basic social skills hits home. That said, the SEL programs used in school to help many kids who lack those basic skills has now been put in the crosshairs by conservative groups. How teaching kids to cooperate and be civil has been turned into something un-American, completely baffles me. We have an entire section of our society who prefer cruelty and exclusion to community. That is unfortunate.

[@jacintafeeney4037]

Profound and generous sharing of the intense pain of loss. Thank you for sharing the intimate insights and my deepest sympathies to you and the family that is left behind.

[@kikijewell2967]

I have been afraid to reach out to friends because: 1) they'll try to talk me out of it, and I'll end up arguing why I can't be happy. That worked in normal depression, but not this suicidal malfunctioning state. 2) they'll try to cheer me up, which will only contrast and make things feel darker. 3) I'm afraid I'll just bring them down too, and that I'm just not fun to be around anymore. (My own mom said it was hard to talk to me because I had become a downer.) I need to be around people, but just be silent or cry and be held. I need comfort, not solutions. I think us cheerful and eternally happy people are some of the most silent depressed people. If you haven't heard from those best friends you love being around....check in on them. Things may not be good if you haven't heard from them in a while.

[@icingcake]

It was hard being around a friend of mine because she sounds like a broken record of negativity and nothing would change and in fact she was just getting worse as time went on. On top of that I feel like the real problem was her dysfunctional family but she wasn’t willing to deal with those feelings, so we don’t talk anymore.

[@kikijewell2967]

@@icingcake definitely prioritize your own mental health. I know I've avoided some friends who felt like an emotional sinkhole. I'm terrified of being one of them myself. Which is exactly why I have been avoiding people. But being with people _does help._ So I'm really stuck for what to do about it. This type of _clinical depression_ - which is not the same as having a sad day - is a feedback loop that can even lead to death. That's the whole issue: what do we do about this? (I'm in therapy, and I've tried meds. Therapy helps a little, and meds...made me much worse, and I'm scared of trying others. So I'm kinda stuck in the spiral, with little hope of getting out.) What to do? It's a mystery. Again, prioritize your own mental health. _But for those of us in the spiral... I don't know what to do._

[@icingcake]

@@kikijewell2967 Thanks for your reply! I wish I could be physically closer to her but I’m not. Someone’s comment about suicide being a response to overwhelming pain makes a lot of sense and I think I will try another tack and maybe try to be available to discuss the pain part of it, just even for my own understanding. Could be psychological and / or biological but with her, I definitely think it’s to do with her personal history. I wish you all the best! Honestly, like I told her, the people I’ve known to commit suicide are some of the best humans around - the narcissists are the ones who should kill themselves lol but no, they go around killing other people and it’s some of the best people who go and commit suicide. So you’re likely a wonderful person 😉

[@kikijewell2967]

@@icingcake you're a good friend to keep trying. I hope she can get away from her family. My ex's family was also toxic, and I've come to believe "you stand by your family, no matter what," is simply there *to allow abusers to continue to abuse.* I read that prehistoric hunter gatherer families only shared 10% relationships, and that people left families for "chosen families" far more than we've been led to believe. So I do hope your friend can separate themselves and heal and recover. You're a great friend for continuing to try. ❤️

[@icingcake]

@@kikijewell2967 Absolutely. A toxic family is not a real family! Thank you and all the best! ♥️

[@maddeusdoggeus1]

Hari and David thank you both for really opening up on a very painful subject. Sorry for both of your losses and thank you for trying to use it to help others.

[@yvonnefarrell1029]

Great big hug to you, David. I cried when Michael Gerson died because he was so understanding. There is so much pressure esp on young people, peer pressure, from other kids and also expectations laid on them and it is an unbearable burden for some, who feel they have failed no matter what. Not being able to get away from one's phone makes it all the worse. Thanks for this conversation.

[@angellacanfora]

This popped up in my feed and its precisely what I needed right now. I'm in crisis and straining to push back at the curtain of blackness that is enveloping me.

[@terrybirch4324]

Here we have two of our very special and gifted media correspondents.

[@NowHari]

Thanks for watching.

[@brettself]

I think a lot of people that have reached the end of their tether, found themselves in despair, where they can’t even find the edges of how they feel so that they can see the landscape of their pain, there is a lot of difficulty asking for help. People need close relationships more than they need counselors. People need to know that they are cared for. In this modern world, where our social media experiences defined the edges of our realities, it is not easy to know what normal is. As much as technology has brought us, it has also detached us. Talk to your loved ones often. you don’t have to discuss politics or news. You can just talk about things that are intrinsic to life and human development.

[@CherzArts]

Just saying how deeply I’m affected by this interview, and that I wish we all had this information when I was a younger mother and artist. Thank you PBS, David Brooks and Harry!

[@ssake1_IAL_Research]

I've always liked David, and I like him more, now. There is one thing to try in situations like this, and that's past-life therapy.

[@julierogers1155]

Thank you for helping to normalize this, depression. Depression is prevalent in our society.

[@ja9795]

In a world where we manufacture so many weapons and pay little attention to what we are doing to our natural resources, is it no wonder that depression is prevalent?

[@julierogers1155]

@@ja9795 There are MANY reasons for depression.

[@clairegetts8092]

Thank you so very much, David Brooks, for all your years of hard work and research, and your words of wisdom.❤

[@newdawnrising8110]

I work in behavioral health and have had 3 suicides in my direct family. I also have struggles with depression and obsessive SI for up to 3 years straight. Finally I sought help and within 2 weeks of being on Wellbutrin the SI and negative self talk was gone and has never come back. I am convinced that depression and SI are directly correlated to brain chemistry. Unhealthy lifestyles or relationships can beat down the nervous system to where the needed brain chemicals needed for feeling happiness, well-being, joy, hope and even love are just not produced to the levels necessary. Raise the brain chemistry and you ease the mood. Anyone against anti depressants just doesn’t understand. They work until the therapy can take over and have effect. Then you wean off. Some forms of depression do not respond to medications. There is important alternative forms of research going on and these efforts need our support.

[@icingcake]

Interesting

[@lisadiane55]

I am one of many people who have no response to antidepressant medications. I've tried all of them over the decades, raising dosages, combinations of several drugs, as well as countless other treatments, with no benefit. Despite a healthy lifestyle, depression has been nearly ever present. Too little is still known about the brain, an incredibly complex organ. Depression also often takes different forms for different people. There's not a single one size fits all explanation for this miserable condition. For decades, drug companies focused only on dopamine and serotonin models. Much more money and research is needed.

[@nancywutzke5392]

Lucky you that antidepressants have worked for you. Many, many other's are not that privileged.

[@ancil57]

I've often thought that Bob Dylan's "Like a Rolling Stone" has mostly been misinterpreted. Towards the end are the lines, "When you ain't got nothing, you got nothing to lose. You're invisible now, you've got no secrets to conceal." Too often, we struggle for the "how" and the "why" of tragedies like clinical depression. We want to "solve" our friend or loved one's pain. Sometimes, all we can do is to be "present" when "needed." In Bill Withers' "Lean on Me" are the lines, "If there is a load you have to bear that you can't carry. I'm right up the road, I'll share your load, if you just call me." So, if nothing else, when you see someone struggling, just say, "If you need a friend, call me," and be "there" when they do. The rest lies somewhere beyond our present ability to understand it.

[@GungaLaGunga]

We simply do not have a mental healthcare 'system'. Good luck finding a good therapist, let alone any you can afford to go to endlessly. Online free resources are the only thing for most.

[@nickigonzales5544]

Thank you for this heartfelt vulnerability that will save lives.

[@ginogina4589]

Last year I finished a 51 year career in mental health. The United States as a matter of policy has decided not to invest in a public mental health system. Such a system was envisioned by JFK, and then the Carters. In 1980 institutional care and remnants of a community mental health system were left to die. As a result, despair today.

[@papabear2515]

I completely agree. Thank you for your work

[@deborahedelman2659]

As usual this channel hits it out of the park!

[@autumnstarrs]

One thing that lingers after watching this interview is the guest saying in the end there was nothing anyone could have done. Having lost someone to depression, I agree with him on that. That's why more time and money needs to be dedicated to research and medical care for depression. It is absolutely treated like it's the person's choice whether or not you pull through. A cancer patient or any other organ failure patient would never be made to feel that way yet that's the current reality if your brain is the organ causing your death.

[@ravenscry048]

Thank you both for this conversation. My first husband took his own life in 1998 and what David expressed brought back so many memories of that time. Living through the loss of a loved one/neighbor is never easy. I would say that at lest now mental helath issues/suicide are a little more openly discussed/ Funding for mental healt care and support is still woefully lacking. I've always felt that my late husband was in so much internal pain he could not stay here on earth any longer. I understood that he had to leave.

[@NowHari]

Thanks for watching.

[@papabear2515]

Important, moving and sensitive interview/discussion. Thnak you both.

[@Judy-kc2ts]

Such wise and helpful advice. I learned so much from this program and from Brooks’ column. Several of my friends and I have had deep discussions about it since the column was published. With depression this profound I truly hope research with treatments like psilocybin can help. Medications don’t appear to work. And always, we need to work to be present to our friends, to build and nurture community, and practice kindness.

[@susanphoenix74]

A loving reminder to all from a retired chaplain: A big part of grief is anger. Why? Because we can't have what we want... the person we've lost. So don't be surprised to find yourself angry at them or weirdly angry at others. Give yourself some inner space. ❤

[@vinkoivomilicdiaz6932]

Very interesting. We remember the Double-header on the NewsHour. Alongside the legendary Mark Shields (Rip). Many memories. A very important message to all to avoid suicide. PBS is the way to learn many important issues. Many who doesn't make suicidal thoughts changed their lives watchin' public television. So many viewers are practisin' many skills like woodworkin' (with This Old House), science (with GBH's NOVA), nature and wildlife (with WNET's Nature) and more. And many kiddos are learnin' many thingies with characters like Elinor the bunny who knows about exploration and more. Kudos to Amna and Geoff, the new anchor duet on the NewsHour. And now Brooks is a good partner for Jonathan Capehart. Every Friday watchin' their talk. #PBSNEWS #AmanpourPBS Kudos to you, @hari.

[@willstorm8331]

Whether the start of depression is reactive, a trigger of grief loss or aging, or endemic, a biochemical imbalance, both must be treated. Being there for a friend yet sharing space allowing others to sit with you helps. You can't share the pain. In a way its unknowable. You can however stand beside people and that is powerful.

[@davidtbentley]

Two great guys right there.

[@NowHari]

Thanks for watching.

[@itsajahthing]

People can be cruel. Compassion is running cold as steel in this day and age. I have learned that compassion is a form of love.

[@paulwheeler6609]

"You'd think we'd move heaven and earth to stop it." Working in education with both LD and "normal" students, the lack of joy amongst many is palpable. I joke among other teachers that the dress code of choice amongst students is black. But what can we possibly expect when the world we have created has these same students hiding in dark corners during "shooter drills"? I am also a gun control advocate and I am always amazed at the complete disconnect between the random and casual mass murder that is happening on a daily basis and the psychological damage that is doing both consciously and subconsciously to these young minds. Obviously, this may have little to do with Mr. Brooks friend but the dystopian conditions we have created by allowing these circumstances to exist cannot be underestimated. We seem driven to do little more than create a community of despair. The writer Tom Robbins once wrote of America, "Let nothing interfere with economic growth, even though that growth is castrating truth, poisoning beauty, turning a continent into a sh*t-heap and driving an entire civilization insane." Move heaven and earth to stop it? You must first have the consciousness to recognize what we have done. We seem incapable of connecting that dot. That requires vision.

[@papabear2515]

100%. So we’ll said

[@adriannee.1030]

Such an important and timely conversation. Thank You both!!

[@craigkeller]

Hari,Mark and David. Love you guys!

[@stevendaleschmitt]

In an increasingly crowded world, we have been force fed introspection for the last several years, and turned to the internet. People don't get the real attention and connection they need that way. Even at the invention of writing people have realized there's no substitute for real life, the real thing, a face to face communion. I lost my nephew two years ago to suicide. He'd become disconnected, I noticed something had changed in him.

[@chopincam-robertpark6857]

Best one ever Hari

[@NowHari]

Thanks for watching.

[@smilinglynn9584]

My heart goes out to David and Hari. You are both such incredibly sensitive, caring men. Hari, thank you for being gentle with your questions for David. To have lost, not one, but three close friends is devastating. I deeply hope that "the mountains come back to Montana" for David. Big hugs and much love and respect for both of you. Yes, love and peace. From Winter Haven, FL

[@dianeyoung8068]

It is so true that to be present with those you care about is no small thing. Deepest condolences for your loss David Brooks.

[@saundrameyer8994]

Thank you for insightful discussion on important subject.

[@lastdays9163]

This is an extremely important conversation to be on a platform like this.

[@marylee8372]

Remarkable personal revaluation. Thank you David Brooks ❤️

[@FrankBott]

I have a friend like your Peter. I learned so much from this presentation. Thanks for sharing.

[@pmccarthy001]

I could use some of those social skill lessons. I'm not sure it'll solve every problem, but that's some education that it's hard to imagine how it could do anything but help.

[@r.horton7626]

David Brooks is so wise,and right on this subject!

[@shaytheo]

When the opposing voices stop and the only voice in your head is so logical, so calm affirming that it IS a favor. If you have never experienced that, you can never understand. Your empathy is a powerful tool for a person living with depression. Acknowledge what is true for the person. Let them know that they make sense, that the part that is telling them that they have no value is trying to keep them safe. Invite them to rage, to cry, to grieve. Be the voice that says they matter to you. To YOU. True connection and presence is a real medicine.

[@marianneb.7112]

I'm so sorry for your loss, David. Your friend sounds like a wonderful, remarkable man who made a great difference in this world. I pray you will meet again in the next. ❤

[@jteichma]

Thanks David Brooks ❤

[@Ahmedkhan8802]

Depressing topic. But good talk. Thank you.

[@maxdex8]

Thank you for sharing this discussion Hari & David. Being a fairly normal person and having deep emotions can always plague some of us, yet the reality of someone else dealing with such a polarizing effect is very unfortunate and my heart is with anyone that suffers and contemplates life. May a comforting river come to you and refresh your soul.

[@NPqueen3499]

David Brooks words and thoughts on depression are profound and sensitive. Suicide crushed my family in 2019 and we have never been the same since. I have so many regrets. I wish I had known the depth of my family member's pain and despair. Maybe I could have done something but I realize like David Brooks, there was probably nothing I could have done to change the outcome. I wish depression was regarded as a "broken brain" that needs to be treated like any other illness. The stigma of depression kills. I value his advice on how to deal with someone that is depressed. Never ask Why? Just be there for them.

[@susiemartin6497]

Brilliant David…I am a healthcare provider…you have nailed this!,

[@marianmcswigan6191]

DavivBrooks, thank you so much for this wonderful interview. I wish I had these thoughts and skills before my brother died by suicide. Many blessings to you.And my condolences to you on your loss of your longtime friend Peter. I watch you on PBS Sincerely Marian McSwigan

[@pprehn5268]

Thanks Hang in there David...we need your take