How Narcissist Others YOU, Himself

The Other triggers and then actualizes potentials interactively (emotions, affects, cognitions, behaviors, unconscious primary processes).
The Self triggers and actualizes the same potentials similarly.
Self and Other have same epistemological (functional) status.
The Self is Othered, it is the Primal Other. It is the outcome of Othering the mother (separation-individuation).
Proof that Self is Othered we see in DID and dissociative self-states (NPD, BPD). Identity diffusion or disturbance are forms of Othering.
In my works, Self=self-states
The Primal Othering is traumatic: it involves a breakdown of the unitary world when the infant perceives its separate existence through the mother's gaze.
It internalizes this gaze (the internal eye).
Introspection and self-reference depend on such Othering of the Self.
Regulation, agency, self-efficacy depend on introspection.
Similarly, Othering objects (aka object relations) is modelled on the Primal Othering of the Self. It is rendered impossible in its absence.
When formation of an integrated/constellated Self is disrupted, the result is an empty schizoid core, devoid of any Other. It leads to an inability to Other people (relate to them as external, separate objects). Also, an incapacity to actualize intensional emotions, affects, cognitions, and behaviors.
Fantasy is an attempt to compensate for these deficiencies by Othering constructs (such as the False Self) or internal objects. The failure of such Othering (aka incorporation) leads to narcissism.
Devaluation is alterity determined, according to Spivak, by the process of othering.
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[@samvaknin]

Levinas is pronounced in French levee-NAS.

[@danielnieto2534]

Emmanuel? He awesome too!

[@EsonIndustries]

I don't understand the difference between the narcissist othering of the internal object but not the external object - if they are capable of othering virtually and are aware the external object exists as another person in some way, whats the crux here? How is the narc stuck in being unable to other yet is othering everyone on the inside?

[@samvaknin]

@@EsonIndustries Othering external objects induces separation insecurity. External objects cannot be controlled.

[@EsonIndustries]

@@samvaknin Thank you. Interesting, but don't we all have internal objects of our external objects? But If someone is servicing an existential wound by relying on others for self worth at the same time, it seems understandable that narcs become insecure or controlling when the external object others themselves by diverging from the snapshot. Seems we all would in that circumstance. It is especially understandable in the case of family and marriage.

[@TheAnorak]

Notes - pure gold We perceive reality exclusively through our senses We process reality within mathematical models in our brain We reconstruct information from our senses within our minds like a holographic simulation in our brain We are a co operative species and are incentivised to believe we are seperate from “other” - made to think that other people are external to us The convoluted concept of intersubjectivity - the agreement that all human beings share about what it is to be human and empathy - to assume similarity between external objects and myself (the empathiser) If there is doubt that “other” doesn’t really exist, that it is just a projection in our own mind, or conjouring within our minds, the whole social contract would collapse, so we are incentivised to believe that other people are external to us - a boundary where other people end and I begin, Emotions affect thoughts, actions and behaviours. Our emotions are triggered by others Our emotions are directed at other people We love someone We hate someone There’s always an external trigger Our thoughts are triggered by the presence and actions of others (Doesn’t have to be physical can be mental thoughts about someone) It is always “the other” that triggers, provokes your internal world “The other” is the catalyst without which the chemical reactions of your mind would never take place Your mind is an apparatus, a device that is responsive to others Take away all “others” and you won’t experience emotions - except survival actions “Others” are indespensable for having an internal world The same is true of “the self” - it triggers and actualises the same potentials in the same way “the other” triggers and actualizes potentials interactively. Thoughts and emotions effect your behaviour All the behaviours and actions are inside the brain simultaneously in a potential state Then “the same” comes along in the form of someone else and these potentials translate into reality. The potential emotion of love becomes the real emotion of love in the presence of a loved one A thought crystallises and is materialised in the presence of a stimulus emitted by another person You act on what other people say/ do - their thoughts, emotions and behaviours. So your potential actions become actual actions because of “others,” and directed at “others” This is known as intentionality “Others” trigger and actualise your potentials by interacting with you, but the same goes for “the self” “The self” triggers and actualises the very same potentials by interacting with these potentials You could conceive of “the self” as the set of all potentials and triggers that actualise these potentials “The self” provokes itself into being “The self” is an engine of its own becoming “the self” and “the other” have the same epistemological status and the same functions “Self” and “other” have the same standing and are indistinguishable We cannot find a rigorous test to tell apart “self” and “other” because they produce the same outcomes, using the same mechanisms, employing the same processes So if “the self” and “the other” accomplish the same things within your mind, if both of them trigger you identically then you could say “the self” is “other” You could regard yourself as “the other” You “other” yourself You can see others as “another one of you”. You’re both the same you perceive it as “not you” the self is a co-originator A host It monitors and supervises triggers, activates and deactivates like a switchboard

[@Dani-hd1xn]

This question came to me at 42:58 when you're talking about the importance of trauma for a child's separation and individuation from mother. Can you make a video on how you know a child has properly separated from the mother? What does that process actually look like and is there a way to monitor the child after age 2 for signs? I'm pretty sure I had a child with a narcissist or psychopath. The ex used the pandemic to make us all live in a quarantine from 2020 to 2023 (child born in 2020) and to combat his abuse, I was very warm, loving, and attentive to the child. We are now separated with ex in another country and I currently have full custody of the child. We are no longer isolated and reunited with family, which has already helped my child immensely, but I want to do everything I can to make give my child the best chance at being mentally healthy in life. Thank you Professor Vaknin for all that you do. I would not be where I am only 5 months since my world came apart without your knowledge, ability, and willingness to share.

[@ThatOneSwiftie126]

Hi - how can I contact you? I need to know more about your story. I am dealing with a similar experience.

[@dilfuzakhaydarova2859]

Thank you so much my Dear and favorite Professor Sam Vaknin ❤

[@educocult]

I found this extremely interesting. Thank you Sam!

[@davidj.carroll129]

thank you Dr, Your vulnerability is very instructive for parenting as well, in some cases when co-parenting is the challenge.

[@horsiemetaldetecting5975]

Incredibly insightful and precise. Can you maybe make a video about Derealization/Depersonalization Disorder, Derealization alone in particular. This Disorder seems to be some sort of dissociative limbo state where there is neither a complete false self nor a complete true self. Or parts of the whole are missing, dissociated while others arent. Whats going on in Derealization( without depersonalization) especially? The self seems intact but the world is forever seperate. Perhaps you can give some helpful insight on this topic as there is a huge community of people suffering and understanding of these disorders (especially the chronic type) is still generally still lacking.

[@samvaknin]

Will do.

[@deathsolve]

Yes, please. Thank you very much. @@samvaknin

[@estellewarren62]

Love you ❤

[@DilfuzaKHaydarova-e1p]

Thank you so much Dear Professor Sam Vaknin❤

[@sashaepshtein6131]

Thank you so much, Professor! Could u please elaborate in other videos on meditation & Buddhism, mindfulness practices as you mentioned in the end of this video? Why it’s not healing, leading to infant perception and if to practice that at all?

[@samvaknin]

Search this channel.

[@tinabendz7501]

Thank you so much.. once again a very long and insightful explanation and I love every word … I se more clearly where I am hanging in life now and in the past 🙏🏼❤️

[@tinabendz7501]

Tank you, I fell it- I been living it and even after many year I therapy often I didn’t understood the big picture, as you are explaining ….❤️👍

[@DrNiko922]

This gives great insight on why narcissistic individuals behave the way they do Within the newly pioneered field of cold therapy, what happens to the perceptions of internal and external of the self for the narcissistic client when the false self is challenged and re-traumatised? Do these perceptions remain the same but with no need to defend the false self as the client doesn't need it anymore?

[@michaelcouchman2820]

Interesting that you start out as a figment of the narcissists imagination, but at the end that is all they really were to you.

[@marti77k84]

Is that why he said I was a delusion and fantasizing about hurting ppl and me … I can’t even wrap my mind around this .. and is that how they forget about ppl so fast

[@whowearereally6494]

This is so most definitely the two men that I last dated. They both hate her sisters and their mothers.

[@evagalyas]

🎉Thank you, from Mezelf . I am out of the other.🎉

[@elstal22]

I have cptsd, and am getting on a plane in two days to go to a retreat in Jamaica to try taking hallucinogenic mushrooms. They recommend listening to music playlists while tripping. I’m wondering what would happen if I listened to you!

[@danp1471]

I would love an update when you get back if you happen to remember. Regardless I hope it goes well for you.

[@tennysonparks2059]

​@@Pinkwellowwhat do you mean?

[@rozaliacucuiet3726]

@@tennysonparks2059 Oregon has endemic psychoactive mushrooms

[@wandajemison4166]

How do you explain your sister behind your back going along with the Narcissist..

[@jazeenharal6013]

They are extremely manipulative and will try to form a coalition against you and isolate you.

[@landlice48]

I have kids who worship their narcissistic Father because he relentlessly plays hus ‘game’ and buys them off year after year.

[@landlice48]

Your brilliance astounds me. You are frighteningly accurate. Maybe the Old Adage ‘ignorance is bliss ‘ holds a lot of truth. The more I Think I know, the more restless and hungry I am for an ‘answer’ to self-knowledge. 😢

[@sophie4636]

Your sister became whats called a "flying monkey". Vaknin coined the term himself and explains it in other videos.

[@ivana5240]

Flying monkey

[@779RosaPhilipovna]

Would a person be/become a narcissist if he/she cried often in childhood and adolescence while asking his/her actual mother “why can’t I be a person?”? Why am I not a person?” Later, in 20s and 30s the person stated many times, while crying, “I want to be a person.” Would these constant questions and statements of desiring “to be a person” typically be something a cluster b personality disordered individual might say out loud?

[@suziecera5509]

What about being very spoiled as a child and then the child becoming permanently manipulative and hurting others as a narc does?

[@samvaknin]

Search this channel for "mother".

[@suziecera5509]

@@samvaknin Thank you. I found it. It was fascinating.

[@JennWest-Liberty]

Why is this so much more difficult for men than for women?

[@samvaknin]

What is?

[@creadorcontenido6970]

35:00 thanks doctor! What happens when the NPD experiences multiple traumatic experiences with the partner without getting any improvement? Why? Is the human psyche predisposed for separation only in childhood?

[@samvaknin]

Search the channel. Watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist.

[@margaritanieves2108]

So, even the Mothers fisical Death would do nothing regarding the narcosist finally escaping and adquering a true self?

[@samvaknin]

Nothing. Search this channel for "dead parent".

[@mda6600]

How about someone who was born with a gifted Iq and creativity and developed a very very high openness to experience on the big five model, had the best education in the country for schools and university and was born with psychopathy so he understands the power game but who is also autistic (which is rare existing comorbidity) and have adhd which is common with psychopathy. What if his fantasy is coincidentally true and he was born in an upper middle class but the family has political power more than money? And he always fantasies less than what actually happens or sometimes less than what is possible. Can that still count as false self? People sometimes build or increase the fantasy by seeing me from the outside and saying things like I'm totally sure that you'll be remembered in history as a genius (said my therapist). Or that you'll be a great help for humanity. I'm a communal and malignant narcissist. Officially diagnosed with npd but my therapist believe I also have psychopathy but we didn't do the official assessment. I also scored 88% on scientific wisdom model (containing 7 elements) with self reflection being 5 out of 5. What if the false self is true?

[@legalweed7651]

What do I do Sam Ian savage

[@О_о-ж7н]

WOW! It is so beautifu! Special thanks for the conceptualzation of self-othering in meditation and buddhist practices as a regression of psy! I have similar thoughts. I would like to hear more details about this from You

[@danielnieto2534]

You awesome Sam!

[@SiobhanHennessy-v7q]

Is it possible that a borderline or narcissist discard is in effect Separation Individuation? That the Shared Fantasy was realised (to some extent) and it reached its inevitable conclusion? Or is the discard just a failure of the Shared Fantasy?

[@samvaknin]

Watch the videos in the shared fantasy playlist.

[@InsaneSoberness]

Sam, you’re ledge! Thanks for blinding breakthrough in understanding the mechanism that brought me to the state you described in the video "How I experience my False Self". Now the puzzle is putting together and the effect of perceiving reality through the dark glass has begun to disappear.

[@arsenbisha8257]

Mr Vaknin thank you for existing Question : can I hoover the narcissist only to keep it around for 2 SS . I mention that I mortified her like 3 months ago .

[@samvaknin]

Search this channel for "mortification" and for "hoover".