How to Deal With Your Estranged Adult Child - What NOT to Do! (Video #4) | Ep.41

In this video I share my top five don'ts: what NOT TO DO with your estranged adult children.
Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged: Download my FREE eBook on the topic here: morinholistict...
In video #4 in my series on Estrangement, we continue to explore the topic of FAMILY ESTRANGEMENT: the condition of being cut-off causes physical and emotional harm. At least 27% of the U.S. population admit to having this condition. Interestingly, so many are ashamed that they are less likely to accept being estranged. For this reason, the epidemic of being rejected by one or more family members is widespread.
SHOW NOTES / RESOURCES:
○ Website → morinholistict...
○ What is Family Estrangement? (article) → morinholistict...
○ What Family Estrangement is NOT (article) → morinholistict...
○ How to Deal With Estranged Family What You Need to Know (Five Keys to Feel Better) (article) → morinholistict...
○ What Not To Do With Your Estranged Adult Children - Top Five Dont’s (article) → morinholistict...
○ Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them by Karl A. Pillmer → amzn.to/3AVWttQ
○ Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman → amzn.to/3uRh4OH
○ Family Estrangement: A matter of perspective by Kylies Agllias → amzn.to/3gkBwz0
○ Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged:
I'm giving away a copy of my eBook on the topic here → morinholistict...
○ Need someone to talk to? → morinholistict...
WATCH NEXT:
○ How to Cope with Family Estrangement (video series) → • How to Cope with Famil...
○ Gratitude Journal Benefits + 5 Tips to Help you Start → • GRATITUDE JOURNAL Bene...
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#whatisestrangement #morinholistictherapy #familyestrangement
ABOUT THIS VIDEO:
No one starts off thinking in their wildest dreams that one day their adult child will kick them to the curb. Certainly, When your kid decides to cut off from you, it’s worse than getting kicked in the teeth. It’s more like getting run over by a semitrailer repeatedly.
More than likely, your goal is to reconnect and reconcile. You may be filled with strong emotions such as regret, anger, fear, frustration, loss, grief, and confusion. To prepare and continue towards the path to be reunited, you will learn my top 5 things not to do when dealing with estranged adult children.
LINK TO VIDEO: • How to Deal With ESTRA...
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[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

Feeling Heartbroken and Alone? How to Pick up the Pieces When You are Estranged: I'm giving away a copy of my eBook on the topic here → morinholistictherapy.com/findjoy/

[@rebecca_stone]

Excellent list. Spot on about the guilt. Don't do that if you want a hope in hell of getting them to talk to you again. I tried all my life (now in my 40s) to make it work with my parents, and until recently ended up with a severe mental illness as a result of their choices, including sexual abuse, terrifying rages and neglect. Like a fool, I kept forgiving and invalidating myself because what child would willingly want to think badly of their parent. I certainly didn't. Denial kept me idolising them and shaming myself. The problem with childhood abuse is that your brain has no radar of what's right and wrong, nor of boundaries. Once you get healthy (if you're able to), that radar comes online for the first time in your life. That's why some of these adult children leave. The truth finally sinks in and it's horrific. Any chance that I could have worked through any of this with one of my parents in the future they destroyed themselves with their vile, shaming, guilting messages to me for my simple act of saying I'll be out of touch for a while.

[@mariankeller5852]

I've dealt with him..he's an adult..I've done my job..now he can do his..I got enough hate and BS from his DAD to last lifetime.. don't need any of his..he is the verbal abuser and he cut me from HIS life..the favor is HIS ..I'm just honoring the wish..

[@eugenchernomordik73]

this level of delusion is exactly how i imagine my abusive mother to handle the estrangement

[@gillps5130]

In a fair healthy relationship the very adult kids, I'm talking of 40 plus, take responsibility for their part of the problem. Millenials are spoiled ungrateful brats from what I see and hear with no apparent thought or concern for the health, circumstances, financial or otherwise, of the parents who loved and raised them. The reasons put forward today for estrangement wreak of self-entitlement and narcissistic paddy fits when finally a parent has enough of unreasonable demands or behaviour and puts their foot down. That, is when a break often occurs. Meanwhile, the children of some parents guilty of real abuse, emotional or neglect or even just selfishness, often care for them into old age from admirable sense of duty and possibly despite all, love. It depends on the child. Just restoring some much needed truth and balance here.

[@greatone2155]

When i was a kid, we just took the abuse and loved our parents anyway. Never questioned it. These days, im afraid alot but still love my parents, just can't count on them for support.

[@eugenchernomordik73]

@@greatone2155 There is no part of the problem that children of any age are responsible for.

[@greatone2155]

@@eugenchernomordik73 i was being a bit tongue in cheek.

[@Christiane-w3y]

I haven't seen my daughter in 11 years. Shes married and lives in another State. I haven't been a meddling parent. This year she cut me off completely verbally. I am devistated. But okay. I am sure I will never see her again. I don't want to -TRY- to be where im not wanted. Thats it. Your videos are Great! And valuable. But for me - I Carry on 😊.have to.

[@cathyfulford593]

That's awful. Heart breaking

[@ellyk8834]

1 - In a fair/healthy adult relationship the two parties are equal. Finding yourself upset because it's "not fair" that the child can make a decision that you (the 'parent') doesn't have control over might be part of why you are estranged. The 'parent' doesn't always and forever get to "hold all the cards" and the mentality that either side does or should is unhealthy. 2 - Using guilt trips is manipulative/toxic behavior. Stop doing it altogether. It's one of those things that repulses people and adult off-spring in particular. 3 - Tit for tat/fire with fire and the 'parent' is usually the one that started it. Most EP's say that "everything was good until something changed"... Yes. The adult off-spring started calling out and challenging the bad behavior and the usual result is the 'parent' upping the ante. Don't. We've had enough of the anger and hearing about how You feel. We know. Now do you know how WE feel? Nope. There's a big part of the problem. 4 - One "I'm sorry you feel that way." isn't going to fix anything. Changing behavior and communication style is key. That includes actual LISTENING and stopping behavior like getting angry when you hear something you don't like (find offensive) like being told to drop the guilt trips etc. Showing your ability to change troubling attitudes will open the door a little at a time. 5 - This actually IS one time it IS all about the 'parent'. What a joke saying it's all about the 'adult child' and what they're going through. Totally and again absolves the 'parent' and encourages no self-reflection on their part as to WHY the off-spring has ended contact. The advice in this video is hit and miss but certainly some good starting points.

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

Hi Elly: Thank you for all your thoughtful comments. You've made some great points. There is so much more the video did not address. This short video is intended to give a brief overview of the topic aimed to reach the parent. I appreciate your sharing.

[@shelby477]

Yes yes and yes. The British study regarding estrangement says it all. Most all of the parents had no idea why their adult child has gone no contact. All of the children said they had told their parents over and over again. The two sides don't match up. But nobody just wants to leave a happy, caring and kind parent.

[@ellyk8834]

@@shelby477 Well of course the study results don't match up. I mean, most EP's when pressed will admit that they were told but it "didn't make sense" to them or the reasons were "made up excuses" and obviously didn't represent the *real* reason for the estrangement, which they believe is something 'wrong' with their off-spring. In other words it's the usual elephant in the room -- DENIAL. Adult off-spring has had enough/hit their limit of the unhealthy behavior of the 'parent' and strives to make changes. Parent is angry and offended by the attempt at change and increases bad behavior because historically that has worked and gotten off-spring to fall back in line. Adult child sees the increase in hostility, realizes that the parent IS the one with the bigger issues and puts more barriers in place to protect them and their family. No Contact occurs and 'parent' is baffled. It's unbelievable that the denial is so deep that anyone can believe that Adults routinely walk away from healthy, wonderful and loving parents and family. Anyone that can harbor that belief that it happens frequently to good parents isn't part of any solution to the 'epidemic of estrangement'.

[@tnt01]

@@ellyk8834 100%

[@JEBBY123IFY]

@@ellyk8834 very one sided. I wonder if you've ever considered you're wrong? Ever asked what actually was the reasons for any number of slights in parents? Do you have children? Because it doesn't sound like it! Most of us know it's just not that black and white and adult kids, are still kids. To disown a parent with silent treatment, stonewalling, smear campaign, punishing? That's not adult. It's easy to blame everything on the parents. Seeking to understand rather than just be right, is adult. And parents who love their children know how hard it is to balance and guide while knowing they cannot force them to do anything. Ie finish college, stop drinking, etc. When the natural consequences come, who do they blame? The goal isn't supposed the be anger bitterness and banishment revenge...your parents may have been abusive I'm sorry if that's true, but not all of us were. Tue grief from estrangement makes parents say and go through stages of anger shock denial bargaining just as w any grief only worse...it's just not that black and white. Parents aren't perfect.

[@xenia7067]

The saddest part is that often dear beloved grandchildren often become part of the estrangement. If we FaceTime the little ones, they beg us to come see them. They might never know why we didnt come or did not come very often.

[@legalfictionnaturalfact3969]

what not to do: keep being a self-absorbed creepy weirdo. to apologize, you must: 1) change your character completely into someone who is good, courageous, loving, compassionate, and happy for other good people's success :) 2) say sorry to ALL parties INDIVIDUALLY that you wronged. :) 3) offer a specific and well thought out way in which you'd like to make it up to them and be open to totally scrapping that in favor of what *they* want you to do. :) do that or stay gone. we're much happier and so are our children! :D when someone says to leave them alone.. and you keep contacting them.. this is harassment and sometimes stalking, and legal action is taken every day against it. careful, or you're next!

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

Thank you for replying. I appreciate your insights

[@lisac8509]

And..... that's all Folks!

[@Circuit7Active]

Best way to deal with a narcissist is to expose them to the entire world.

[@elizabethb342]

I'm so sick of the assumption that it must be the parents fault, that there must be a RATIONAL reason for the cruel, vicious act of "erasing" a parent. It is a mean and hostile, abusive act. An adult child's cruelty towards a parent is not always a reaction to reality. In fact, they often create "parental infractions" in order to play the victim and justify their rotten behavior.

[@snowmanmanvideo]

You sound a lot like a victim. Should we feel sorry for your victimhood?

[@ellyk8834]

Estranging a parent = a mean and hostile, abusive act. Thumping on a child until they wet themselves = ??? My mother did that to me to be clear so is that also a "mean and hostile and abusive act" and if so, do you think it is equal to your 'victimhood' of the *nothing* that is being done to you in the now? I love how you people turn NOTHING into abuse against you but won't call the abuse you perpetrated what it is. "In fact, they often create "parental infractions" in order to play the victim and justify their rotten behavior." -- Again, there is no "rotten behavior" from your child. They're gone. They aren't doing ANYTHING to you. You're not a victim of anything and that 'playing the victim' is the reason you're estranged. Abuse requires contact so no one is abusing you by walking away but they might be preventing it... Did it ever occur to you that those "parental infractions" child abuse survivors are reporting are THE TRUTH and that it's you in denial and are too ashamed to own your behavior? Because that refusal to own your behavior is what people estrange from and your attitude is a red flag so large bulls in space are alerting.

[@ellyk8834]

@@snowmanmanvideo The victim complex is strong in this one...

[@cathyfulford593]

Mmmm i really blew it then. I let my son know if you and your partner want nothing to do with me in life never grieve my death or go near a funeral. Heart brocken, devestated and alone single parent. 😭

[@gcscas]

How do I deal with false accusations from my estranged adult child during the recommunition?

[@eugenchernomordik73]

they are not false, how dare you. first you abuse your child and now you try to escape the punishment?

[@ellyk8834]

Stop calling them "false allegations" and start dealing with reality head on. Can you imagine being me and having a parent who used to hit me until I wet myself and then have her say, "I never hit you." or "You're making that up!" It's a full stop if YOU don't want to deal with THE TRUTH - by estrangement time your child is done with the gaslighting. You got estranged for abusing and now yer gonna stay that way because you want to deny and pretend you didn't do what you did.