How to MAKE FRIENDS...as an ADULT.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

We're all going through it. I've been in and out of the could-really-use-a-friend phase of life multiple times. It often devastated me. This video contains the tips and processes I learned slowly over the years and I truly hope it helps someone. If you want a deeper dive, I go there on the podcast: open.spotify.com/episode/7AonLceGhKI7x3grEWC7wy?si=2l_6HIbCTrqcj20Q0j8otA Hang in there. ❤

[@m007mm]

Can you pin this on top?

[@yeahweburnstuff]

I've 'dumped' some friends and I've been dumped. As I've matured I realised that turning my back on certain friends was as a result of my inability to set boundaries and to speak up about behaviours which I found unacceptable. So I'd just push it down until I just couldn't take that last straw. Then I'd just lock them out; no explanation or further conversation. It's not you, it's me babe. 🥰

[@julieu4305]

❤

[@TommyShlong]

I'm 99.9% sure the thumbnail photo for this video was taken on the stoop next door to my house. Was this taken on Henry St in Brooklyn?

[@meredithdavis5167]

Holy shit Caroline, I DID take notes and I'm going to rent clothes and I'm grateful my hangups on the way to climax don't involve pillow symmetry! But I'm so happy for you that you're with someone who is willing to help you out there. Now I love him too 😘

[@Ella-monochrome-art]

I am 38 and I’m finding out. It’s the old elderly people who are the easiest to make friends with because they actually will talk to you in the most random places.

[@martuskarogowska]

Yes! They also have more time than most people our age (I am also 38). I have become friends with my 74-year-old nieghbor over the past two years. What also helps is being in a similar life situation - she is retired and single, I am single and unemployed at the moment, and was working from home before. This has given us a lot of time and space to bond, especially thanks to spontanous meet-ups at her or mine place a couple of times a week. So easy when you live in the same building! (and have common "enemies" like the landlord or some annoying neighbors).

[@petermathews2915]

What about young elderly people? 😝

[@sue-annthandy5387]

@@martuskarogowska She/He is lucky the Generation Z are so tech, iPhone Savy, knowledgable most accept years of wisdom i swim,sauna daily, Spirtual Healing,back Shuastu Mondays& Gong Baths I encourage them Blessed be 🙏❣️🤔

[@sue-annthandy5387]

@@gorraksmashskull dam right years of experiences

[@jeromedanielson4422]

They were raised in a different period when houses where built with porches that always sent a message of invitation.

[@janetslicer3637]

Gosh, Caroline, I will be 69 next week. I was part of a four girl group since we were all fourteen. We didn't grow up texting the phone was our medium. We shared every get together, every date, every class we couldn't stand, every shopping spree, every heart break, every graduation, every wedding, every baby, baptisms, holy eucharist, cofirmations, our babies going to war, graduating college, EVERYTHING. And now one only wants to text, don't call. One doesn't call or text - the one I was closest to. My husband died by suicide, she could not bring herself to call, text, or even visit me. The last holdout and me talk every week. We text interesting or funny things. Even the ones you thought would last forever just don't. And sometimes you never know why. Good talk today. I shared this one with my son. Love you and I am going after those sheets and towels!!! ♥️

[@rickandteribedell4350]

I too had best friends since highschool. We were very close...trauma brought us close and sharing our experiences...then as we got older and had families it became harder to connect in our happiness. It's been over ten years now haven't spoke with any of them. Still not sure I want to.

[@HappyHarryX5]

I wish you and your son all the best and love.

[@janetslicer3637]

@@HappyHarryX5 Thank you Fiona (my favorite name). You are very kind to write me and I will pass your message on to my son Ryan (another Irish name).

[@Starsmiley111]

Sending love & strength 💕

[@janetslicer3637]

@@Starsmiley111 Thank you for your message Stars. I appreciate it. ♥️ ⭐⭐

[@erosepb]

I have one friend who is AMAZING at making new friends, she jokes that she doesn't have any friends, only acquaintances or best friends and she has at least 15 very close friends as an adult in her early 30s. We became best friends in college and she gave me advice that has been so helpful to me ever since- it's so simple but she told me that if I like someone and want to be their friend, all I need to do is tell them that I like them and want to be their friend and invite them to hang out. Then once you've hung out one time if everyone had a good time, you just start treating them like a friend- texting them random funny thoughts, inviting them to come along to stuff you're already doing, etc. Obviously it may come off a little strong to say "I like you and want to be your friend" (or not depending on your personality and situation) but something along those lines that feels appropriate for the situation. That advice felt like the permission I needed to make it happen rather than just waiting around for friendships to somehow grow and it's served me so well!

[@Loupdelou-ly1ve]

That's great advice from your friend, and it's something I always did as a child. I'd go up to other kids on the beach, say my name, what grade I was in and ask if they wanted to play! It always, always worked, and we were best friends until it was time to go home at the end of the day. I really wish it was that simple now.... but maybe, like your friend says, it is! 🥰

[@IvyPearsonUnderwater]

Omg thank you. I will do that, I was kinda waiting for people to invite because I don't like to impose (never did) and people just don't think of inviting you even tho I told them (I was volunteering at a musem) you just arrived in town. People don't get cues. I feel so "dumb" after reading your comment as it sounds so obvious.

[@erosepb]

I know it sounds so obvious but I needed someone to tell me too! I usually go with something like “ I enjoyed talking to you so much, I think xyz is so cool about you, I’m actually new to town and trying to make some new friends, would you ever want to grab a coffee or go for a walk?” Good luck!!!

[@erosepb]

I know it’s like she never lost that childhood ability! It really is a great lesson to take from kids :)

[@jamieb2289]

Tbh that is how a majority of my friendships in adulthood happened! I'm neurodivergent so I don't always pick up on social cues, which makes the beginning part of friendships stressful for me. But there have been a few times I've been out with someone I'm just beginning to get to know, and we've bumped into someone that they know while we're out at dinner. They'll introduce me to the newcomers as their friend, and in my head I'm like "Oh. Okay. I guess we're friends now! Woohoo!" Lol

[@petermathews2915]

Thank you, Caroline, for articulating what I have intuitively found to be true. I was married for 32 years. My wife died February 2022. I felt like half of me was gone. We were both introverts, so we didn't have many friends, but we had each other. Now, I find myself having to figure out who I am, and learn social skills I really never had. I am getting way outside my comfort zone, but it's getting a little easier as time goes on. I have a secret weapon, though - a super cute and friendly dog. She introduces me to everyone.

[@nattie911]

Dogs are amazing!❤

[@RadioPsychicAstrologyByPepper]

My son's name was Peter Matthew.... I'm sorry for the loss of your wife. I don't know what I would do without my animals! I'm definitely socially awkward and I'm losing patience with that! 😅❤😢

[@sue-annthandy5387]

I swim sauna 2/3 times weekly, & Gong Baths,any complimentary therapy, eat in a Park Cafe, join meet up groups, widow groups??!! iPhone ITEC classes no Offense meant backing classes?? (Vist kennels?? )art gallery’s

[@The_green_zebra]

Love the dog idea! I love animals and love seeing and talking to people who obviously love their pets. I instantly happy when I see a happy caring relationship between a dog and their person. I am an introvert too. Hi 😊

[@k.w.6304]

Salutations from an ambivert. 😊 I've wondered about the friend thing too. It seems like I used to meet someone, and after determining what our favourite colour or slide was, we were besties. No drama. Now, it seems like it is hard to find anyone who just wants to be friends in the traditional 'go get a beverage at a café and talk about a book' sense of the word. Sigh. If anyone is interested, I'm the one at the corner table watching people while pretending I'm reading. 😏😅

[@PixelShade]

One thing that I think has massively changed throughout societies all over the world is the "easy access to distractions". If people are bored these days, they watch a movie, a tv-show, youtube, play video games, passively scrolling social media etc... looking back 50 years ago, people were a lot more "bored" when they didn't have access to all of our current on-demand and online services. Due to boredom I think people naturally spent more time with others, we they coffee together, hung out together, interacted socially, because what else would you do? This is the biggest change I can see from the early 80's when I grew up by looking at my parents social life here in Sweden.... Sure, I have been a computer and tech geek since childhood, and love tech, but today I actually despise how the convenience factor of entertainment services disrupts the social nature of humanity. I agree, today we need to work harder, we need to be more intentional to maintain or get new friends... Remember, you don't have to have all that much in common to be a good friend and have deep connection with another person. The most important aspect of friendship is to actually spend time together and care for one another.

[@carolmorris7483]

Completely 😢

[@sue-annthandy5387]

@@carolmorris7483 true sadly

[@queenjasminetemaiharoa7009]

Yes!🙌🏽💯 I was born in the 80s and grew up (in NZ) being part of the the last generation (gen X & Millennial) before everyone had smartphones. I feel like it was definitely a privilege, not a burden. People sought connections/friendships in real life, instead of chatting online. We didn't have an epidemic of depression and anxiety like the western world does now. You had to face fears head on instead of hiding behind screens, which only seem to provide a false sense of security. I struggle raising my gen z kids in an environment that doesn't feel familiar at all. I know I can't expect them to have the same childhood as me but I also want them to be free of the dangers and addictions that technology brings. Would be nice to see a balance right now✌🏽💕

[@y-yyy]

Facts. I'm so guilty of it myself, I think many of us are these days, it's just so easy to turn on a youtube video (like this one) and feel entertained and somehow connected to the world. I've had moments when I was hanging out with friends and actually found myself wishing I could go home, relax and just watch KZbin. That feels so fucked up to admit, but this is part of our reality.

[@polyglotfrog]

Such a good point

[@Lisa-jm3nk]

Some advice to people who are “not in the market” for a friend: why not reach out to someone who might need a friend. I had many friends in New York, then I moved to the burbs. I worked long hours in Finance (SAHM did not mesh) and had a special needs child (he couldn’t do sports or other activities, and other kids didn’t like him, so other parents ignored us too). It was a very lonely couple of decades. I reached out to many people who just had no time for us. Try to be kind to that person looking for friends. Give them a chance. You might like them.

[@Essy311]

Yes! So many people who already have connections (usually people who grew up in the area and have life long friends or lots of family in the area) often don't seem to realize how hard it is when you don't have that. I also have a child with special needs, and when you add that in, it's can be soul-crushingly lonely. And I'm an introvert! I can't imagine how extroverts handle it.

[@Karen-DeMars]

Wow … This comment will stick with me. I’ve always been kind to people who needed kindness, but I think I could have actively reached out more to offer friendship. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. ❤

[@george6977]

👍

[@garlicgirl3149]

Truth!

[@carrierider5700]

I think often “not being in the market” for a friend doesn’t necessarily mean that they just don’t need one, but it might mean they don’t have the energy or availability.

[@MsAidanbrown]

I just want to say you feel like one of the few youtubers that gives actionable advice on hard topics like this. Thanks for everything!

[@Caroline_Winkler]

one of the best things you could say to me, i am so glad it feels actionable. they're hard conundrums, which is why people struggle with them. my advice is certainly not a golden bullet, but i do hope it helps along the journey

[@beckykueng3017]

@@Caroline_Winkler You are so wise Caroline !! Your videos always amaze me and give me so much to think about !!

[@jswizz43]

I agree! The actionable advice really sets you apart.

[@BeccaNiederkrom1]

1000% agree

[@karlabritfeld7104]

It's not a hard topic

[@Mara94SoSrb]

JUST once a month? Girl, if I was seeing someone once a month, I would consider that person my best friend.

[@karlhans6678]

can i see you once a month?

[@brittnay279]

My best friend and I only see each other once a month 😢 she’s been my best friend since HS and she married my brother. She is quite literally my only friend too.

[@Mara94SoSrb]

@brittnay279 I see. I know the pain. I hope you find people with common interests that you both like to spend some time with each other. Pick something to do, anything, you can always go on language classes. I took an English course and met a new friend there.

[@Mara94SoSrb]

@heather333 Exactly, that's the case with most of my friends, too. I moved and we live in different cities now...

[@Mara94SoSrb]

@@karlhans6678 I doubt that.

[@theredheadsaidNYC]

Author William Gibson is quoted as saying, "“Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.” Regarding making friends, before you say "I suck at making friends," look around to see if you're in the midwest." I lived in Minneapolis for quite a few years, and it was impossible to make new friends. The saying goes, "Minnesotans are friendly, but they're not looking for any more friends." I did make one good friend, and she told me she was surprised that I just invited myself over to her house (to bake some cookies with her!) because NO ONE DOES THAT. (she wasn't offended or anything). Contrast that to when I moved to New York City when I was 40. I made a new friend every day. I could chat up someone about their shoes and soon we were hanging out. It really matters where you live.

[@AimeeKeenan]

I’m still stuck in the Twin Cities so if you ever make your way back to the Midwest, let’s connect 🎉❤

[@janicechristner2924]

i agree i live in a small town in iowa and have lived in this town since 1966 and now i have to create a life with no friends because all mine are dead or have moved on it sucks

[@VCassidy]

YES. Leaving the Midwest was the best thing I ever did for my social life and mental wellbeing.

[@bijismythe551]

​@@AimeeKeenan hi! I'm 33 black femme , in mpls too😅

[@tanyabaker4809]

I live in Tulsa, moved here several years ago as an adult, and I completely relate to your post. I actually had somebody tell me they didn't have room in their life for any more friends. 🙄

[@pjglory3348]

I moved to a new city two years ago. I am a shy introvert but decided to give it my all. I threw myself into new activities, joined meet-ups, got out of my comfort zone and did what I call pestering people. I invited people I wanted to befriend to activities I was doing. After two years of pushing I find that I am still friendless. If I don’t call, no-one calls me. They respond happily to my calls and go out with me but never reciprocate. I’m out of energy. It is hard to not take it personally. This current city doesn’t have the activities I want in my life. I have decided to move to another city that has more of the activities and groups that match my interests. I figure that at least I will be able to do what I find fun and be around people who like the same things I do. Seems more likely that I will find connections in those groups…. That’s the theory anyway.

[@kwhitney6737]

As an Autistic woman, I appreciate you mentioning "friendships take time + patience". I get burnout extremely easy and that makes it difficult to maintain communication on a "regular" basis. It's usually NEVER about the other person, and I'm grateful to have friends who understand that we can just pick up where we left off.

[@jenavasexton1645]

Thanks for commenting. I'm also on the spectrum and so the "but I'm weird so what will they think" echos very loudly in my ears. Not to mention the exhaustion of going through it all!

[@dianeb3919]

Hi Caroline....so great you're talking so openly about this. I don't think I can say I've suffered from this but I probably have sometime in my life. It probably is an overwhelming feeling being lonely. Having a positive attitude and having somewhere you have a regular meeting (work, church, class etc) would be the best and safest place to meet and make a friend. Awesome topic....xo

[@alansun70]

I need to listen better & manage stress better. I wish for new female friends.

[@MyCygnusX1]

This!

[@PeachPlastic]

I agree. I find that the most common denominator amongst potential frienships that faded out in my life was simply the fact that those people needed a different frequency of connection than I could provide. I realized that nobody is at fault for needing certain forms of attachments, nor for only having a limited amount of capacity. For a long time, I believed I had to forcefully change my behaviour against my needs; that's the route that will create a vicious circle of burn-out.

[@TheGhostofAbigailMills]

Some of my own "weirdo places" that match my interests and get me to socialize: improv/acting classes at the community theatre, museum tours, open mic nights, writer communes (especially around October - November when NANOWRIMO is going on) and LIBRARIES. Libraries are a hub of activity and a great community resource. Don't sleep on libraries! Also understand: society as we know it, especially in a late stage capitalistic one, is structure in a way that denies us "third places". Third places are a concept of community gathering outside of the first two places we all get corralled into, work/school and home. Cultivate those 3rd places. Seek them out and build them.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

YES! did a lottt of improv in NYC. met some of my best friends

[@theredheadsaidNYC]

YESS!! I miss NYC terribly (lived there for a decade), because of all the third spaces. We were all living our lives outside our homes. Contrast this to the small Wisconsin town I'm in now. there are hardly any coffee shops, and most close at 2pm. No public spaces (does Target count?)

[@JobjobJob-f6e]

This is daebak!!! Thank you ❤!

[@lisaclark494]

As I a librarian I completely agree with the suggestion of meeting new people at the library. There are so many people that come to my Libray looking for connection in some way. Start by chatting with the librarian if you just need to talk to another human for a few minutes. Also most libraries have programs for all different ages so check out your local libraries for them and sign up or show up! And bonus-most programs are free!

[@SculptExpress-gv8jp]

Intresting what you are saying about libraries. I read a while ago that in some places (forgot where exactly) the town was considering to turn libraries into social dinner clubs. I thought that this was a fantastic idea, especially since the new kids don’t even care to go there anymore. So, why not revive them into places that will serve community inexpensively?! There are so many people who would love to share ideas, knowledge, love for novels and poetry. People can’t let their souls die in loneliness and old age entropy.

[@jaredt.murphy8257]

As someone who had to start adulthood without the support of my birth family, and severed from all of my childhood friends (left religion) ... your honest, human, big-sister takes are so refreshing, thank you for all you do, Caroline

[@HappyHarryX5]

May you have an awesome life blazing your own trail. All the best to you, take care of your heart and boundaries.

[@Iiinksu]

I'm in a similar situation! I'd love to hear how you're managing it

[@anaespinosa205]

Love this. I literally have no friends right now. And no family. It has been this way for a little over one year. 61 years old. Hard life. Go to work and school. Thank you for this. Grateful beyond words

[@coffeebux]

I looked at my recent phone calls. Past 5 months. Most common: grandma. Then dad. Then mom. .... That's it. I called my grandma to say hi on a Friday night and she was busy at a social event When my phone looks like a jitterbug contact list I knew I hit rock bottom

[@paolasyava2175]

I m 61 yo too. I have no friends right now. I ve been in and out from jobs, schools, cities. Many aquaintancies yes, but no bonds. Many friends of mine have died (how dare!). But I must admit this girl is right 100%. Life happens. People come and go and it s better dont blame ourselves, get over the pain and take steps toward a new situation. An example? I find many interesting people and resonating souls on youtube, and that makes me feel less alone by now. But I live in Italy, in a place where knowing and speaking a different language is so rare that I have to keep it to myself not to sound bragging or posh or worse. So? Let s help each other as we can. I m grateful to this Carolyne girl and to many others I read in this thred. Let s read each other and text each other unknown people. 😊🙄🤗

[@ZeljanaMiljevic]

@@coffeebuxmine is worse than a jittterbug 😂😂😂

[@indraseurattan7109]

​@paolasyava2175 I'm 61 years also, my husband was my friend, but sadly he passed away 5 years ago so I'm alone now. 😔 I need a friend .

[@annieearle962]

I’m 72 in Charlotte NC. My son lives here…..says my vibe is my tribe….I just want someone to hang with. Someone not sick, infirm, that can do ordinary things. I take care of a husband but I feel I’m living his life.. Sorry to be so insensitive but I have those friends but nobody who can go walkabout through a store. Ordinary normal activities. Bowling? It’s been years. Thanks for this push.

[@janetebonanno]

What I have found- single serving friendships- friends of convenience- shared environment friends: if I’m willing to do all the planning, organizing, chasing and following up - then I have friends. If I stop, they are gone.

[@lisawhitehall1870]

❤

[@ZeatherMusic]

So true 😔

[@amandam480]

Yes that happens to me too or I get friends that contact only when they want to go out. Then there are the friends whom are so busy that the friendships that are on their terms. So we do things that they like. 99% of these friendships are people I dot really know and after two/three years the friendships fizzle out sigh....

[@alexeypopov7703]

Yeah, it feels like the market is set for "friends with benefits" these days. If you have big status or something to offer - people will come. And then there are friends who establish their rules and boundaries. It's difficult to maintain relationships with them because we see each other so rarely that sometimes they address me by a different name LOL! I feel like we just have to throw ourselves out there like kids do and talk to people. I noticed that neighbors don't do that. Maybe we just need to be the adults who want to have that happier outlook of life because that's what is missing these days.

[@ChineseKiwi]

I know Caroline's core audience is women, but ALL this advice and reality applies to us dudes too! I only just emotionally realised a lot of this stuff only recently and well, ALOT of adult men are lonely unfortunately and quietly suffer. Bah, I needed this video months ago but that isn't on Caroline in anyway. Came for the video on interior design tips for men a year ago, stayed for the life advice and realities and reassurance other people like Caroline are going / have gone through the same stuff - with the bangin' indie soundtrack songs Caroline always has in transitions!

[@Caroline_Winkler]

oh my gosh im so glad to hear you feel that way! i definitely consider this advice non-gender specific. it's just for people, and i hope it helps

[@Caroline_Winkler]

and thank you for such a kind comment

[@HappyHarryX5]

I’d give Caroline’s channel information to any guy, any day. It’s totally for everybody. If her channel had been around 45yrs ago, I would have loved to learn from it then as a kid and made different and better choices in my life.

[@RecklessFables]

Yeah, I can say that this is great advice for dudes. I'm older than her usual audience, and male, but I can confirm that she's right about these strategies and making them work. That whole notion about "being in the market for a friend" is SOOOOO key. My wife gets really torn up when we meet someone we'd like to be friends with but they don't engage past an initial meeting. She comes up with all sorts of reasons why they don't feel compelled to "be friends" even though we know people are busy. The fact is while some folks are cats that aren't easygoing about making friends, many people just aren't looking for friends, especially if they haven't moved in a long time (or ever).

[@karlabritfeld7104]

Women are more inclined to form friendships. My husband does not initiate getting together with any of his friends. The only reason he has a social life is because of me

[@americandissident9062]

As a 38 year old male, I will say that I don’t think I have ever had one single friend who would drop everything to help me if I was in real trouble. Well, maybe one guy when I was in the Army, but now I’m in Florida and he’s up in Pittsburg. But I think that’s it. If a true friend is someone who will do that, then I’ve had maybe one in my entire life, and like I said, we are far separate now.

[@terrypoff2651]

I am 67 and retired. I do feel lonely sometimes, and this post helped! One thing I struggle with is that I am an empath, and I always attract birds with broken wings, people who are needy and clingy. I have several friends like that, but those friendships are draining. I have a hard time finding people who will let ME need THEM. I hope that doesnt sound selfish; I do understand that we are here to help each other. But sometimes I ache for a friend who can and will support me.

[@LeilaniLight11709]

I completely understand as I am an empathic healer. I have done massive inner work for many years, and have a very powerful aura. The broken wings who are so trashed (did alcoholism, did drugs, went to prison, etc.) are the ones who seem to come out of the woodwork and they are desperate, and they drain me, AND sooner or later they call me names and accuse me of stuff I never did (projection). I just want someone who would let me just BE ME. How about I don’t have to heal, or counsel or help 24/7, and how about I can just be let to let my hair down, so to speak. How about I just get to be a human being with my own strengths and faults? Maybe I need some empathic friends who get this.

[@susanhelmus8520]

Yes, friendships should be equal. An equal back and forth and give and take. Keep searching.

[@lisawhitehall1870]

❤

[@amandam480]

I'm sorry for all the empath who attract the needy types. Like tow posters have said it's important to help but not to the point hwrrr you feel drained. Hope you find the friends you deserve soon. I too ten to attract needy types.. People who are intense and clingy. So I end up withdrawing as it freaks me out lol. I also attract condescending types. I'm highly empathetic but less so now. I'm also insecure and have a he'd time setting bounderies. It's something I'm working on.

[@RachelBayati]

As a extreme introvert who works from home, making friends as an adult is very daunting. What has worked best for me is to meet up with an small group of people that are into something you are into (i.e. hiking, board games, sports, knitting, whatever) and do that something together. Having a third thing to focus on, rather than solely focusing on the social interaction was the key for me and made the whole thing less daunting. And if you don't mesh with anyone in that group, no biggie, at least you got out and did a thing you enjoyed! Side note, I also met my husband this way. ☺

[@LisaThames17]

What do you do?

[@HappyHarryX5]

A couple who moved to a remote mining town decided to invite everyone at church to a meal to meet and make friends. Their approach blew everyone away and it changed how I look at making friends. I’ve decided this year that I’m going to reset my mind after narcissistic marriage so I can be influenced by my own thoughts, grow confidence in myself and then give the best of me to a new friend or two. Limiting but it’s what I need right now in this part of the process.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

this is an amazing goal and im sure it's taken a lot of pain to get to that point for yourself. but you deserve it and it's such a good feeling just to start doing something new and different. big hug

[@mariamirolyubova6921]

I'm a 42 year old introvert living in Ukraine. I just caught myself thinking that in the past year and 9 months I've gotten so comfortable living away from my old friend group that I really don't feel like making new friends. With the war ALL my closest friends left for Western Europe with their families, which was heart-breaking for me. Our family moved from the capital to the countyside to stay safe. My husband of 14 years is even greater introvert than me. We have two children (13 and almost 10) that I homeschool. My husband works from home. I've gotten so comfortable being alone in the friend department (although I'm physically around my family all the time) that it scares me. I need to go make me some friends and the only way I can push myself to do that is treat it as a JOB. Thank you, Caroline, for your invaluable advice! Big hug to you!

[@georgepickle3404]

did you move to the carpat? always wondered how much i would need for a place in yeremche or something

[@mariaoancea434]

Hiii from Bucarest, Romania! I have same age as you . Also , i host a young Ukrainian guy from Odesa. Regards to you and your family ❤ We stand by you!

[@carolmorris7483]

I think so many people try to convince themselves they do not need a new friend. So you go another day and another day until it’s been years. It is not healthy.

[@ASMRA33]

I grew up with a million friends, I was involved in everything and on every team. I traveled around on tour and played music everywhere etc but then I went through some hard stuff...loss, grief, addiction and when I had to do the work to change my life the friends disappeared. It broke my heart that I was happier and healthier than ever and that friends were no where to be found. Ive been sober for over six years and I've been really lonely. I'm happily married and my husband and I are best friends but it is not a replacement for friendship with other women. I just want to have a few meaningful relationships with people that will share their time. I don't really have anything in common with my old friends. Caroline, this was a very generous and cool thing to share. As per usual, your authenticity is refreshing! ❤

[@LisaThames17]

I’m sober . I’ll be your friend. Sobriety sisters

[@Brian-rs4ug]

Great Video! “Not everyone is in the market for a new friend.” This is very helpful to remember when looking for new friends. It helps you to remove the “rejection” issue. It’s not PERSONAL.

[@elissalombard7021]

This was the most helpful for me too! I was trying to connect with someone my age who already has friends she’s been close with since high school (a school I didn’t go to) and at first I would feel bad when she would get together with them and not me, but I don’t think it’s because she doesn’t like me - it’s just hard to recreate that close friendship with a new person

[@dietzyfly]

I think what you said about being the host if you want a group dynamic is key. My 86 year old mother has been that person for her friendship group for a very, very long time. She has a friendship group of about 20 women who began hiking together in their 30s!!! And, guess what? When she had a stroke many years ago, all of those women showed up for her, and I attribute that to her amazing recovery. Now she continues to live independently and host huge parties with the surviving women! At 56, I have followed her lead, and am always the one who does the hosting. Sometimes it's frustrating, but ultimately, so rewarding.

[@britnaysnyder6190]

Love this! A really helpful tip I use for socializing when I don't feel like it is the "one hour rule". I show up to the event/party/whatever for an hour and if at the end of that hour I'm still not having fun or still feel like crap, I go home. 9 times out of 10 I end up staying wayyy longer than an hour and having a great time!

[@Caroline_Winkler]

yessss - i actually had a big in the video (maybe i cut it?) about my 20min rule (haha bit shorter). which applies to PARTIES specifically. i dread parties bc i can be so awkward. but the height of the awkwardness is really the first 20min you show up. so i have to stay for at least 20 min, insist on continuing to live for 20min of awkwardness, and then it usually fades

[@m007mm]

@@Caroline_Winkler to stop the awkwardness, stop eating greens, GoLowOxalateCarnivore. 😁 Not kidding...

[@theredheadsaidNYC]

I do this too! And yes, I almost always end up staying longer.

[@karlabritfeld7104]

There you go.

[@adamknight5089]

Good tip. My personal one also is get involved in a conversation. I usually go in and hover around, and get busy with food, drinks, greetings, but eventually you need to 'settle in' to the party. Best thing to do is get involved in a current conversation, and you could find yourself chatting away for an hour. If you really can't get into one due to the topic, just ask someone else who is quiet a few ice breaker questions, like ask them about a recent new job or holiday of theirs, and suddenly they'll be pouring out their stories and through that you'll find commonalities and the bonding will start. Add in a couple of drinks and then it'll be easy and fun and you'll enjoy it.

[@moonfairy2325]

I'm 24, have depression and anxiety, and became physically disabled at 22. My friends stopped inviting me to things after I couldn't make it a few times (due to chronic pain). I've been really heartbroken because they're kinda the only friends I have/had. Thank you for this video, those parts about treating it like a job, and not clinging to limiting narratives about yourself really resonated, and I needed that virtual hug lol. I'm starting out by going to the library more, might try to find a book club too. Wishing everyone out there good luck on their friendship journey

[@user-es5jq6yy9l]

Those are not good friends then

[@brianmeen2158]

You should reach out to those with depression or disabilities similar to yours. I’ve found very few people understand depression and anxiety

[@evadebruijn]

I hear you ❤️🍀🍀🍀🤗🍀🍀🍀❤️❗

[@annjeechanneling7938]

Don’t be afraid to drop friends that is no longer serving you, the good people is on the way to you when you move on❤

[@orzori]

Ahh I fear I'm heading down a similar path. I closed up after one of my friends was going through so much yet wasn't seeking appropriate help, and when I re-grounded myself a little, I came back to find that I had been completely disconnected with my friends. Even my apology for retreating in my shell was met with silence. Ignored. Yet I also realize, as time has passed, that they were never quite a match for me. They hardly invite me to anything, so I'm constantly having to insert myself in, and I find myself masking or being silent during the entire hang out. I think I'm miserable, but I do love their companionship. I'm doing my best to be a good friend, but it will definitely take a lot of time, And learning, and maybe meeting new people.

[@clarity2118]

Things I love about Hosting as an introvert: - you decide who is there - you decide how long the social gathering is - you decide the location of comfort - you decide the food (great if you are a picky eater or are a foodie) - you decide the activities Hosting as a introvert is a great way to control a social situation and tailor to your comfort. As an introvert you are probably also good at observing other people which means you can figure out how to make it comfortable for them.

[@Brown.Eyed.Girl.]

Omg! This is empowering! 👏

[@Tony2dH]

Additionally, you can retreat to the kitchen or so for some task and take a breather!

[@kirk8359]

Really? An true introvert would never host. Never. We need an out. If we’re responsible for the event, there is no out, have to see it through.

[@Youtube_user_nhvrxdhn]

Yes and all the pressure of decisions and if the others are not happy and entertained it’s your fault, so you can’t relax one second and just stay 10 minutes in the toilet just because to close the door and enjoy silence and no impressions. Makes so much sense that I hated organize birthday partys or have friends to visit me. It’s pure stress, no enjoyment at all.

[@trappart9209]

​@@kirk8359you speak with such a certainty. Not sure if it is even worth it to start a discussion with you

[@Whatizzit]

So true about approaching this as a job. I retired and moved the same year. It was very difficult for me to build friendships while working, but I was determined to flip the script in retirement. I had pretty (non)business cards made with my personal contact information and just started showing up for things. I joined a casual yoga group in a park and started kayaking from a local beach. I have met so many likeminded women. It is so true that some communities are harder to bust into, so don’t put all of the blame on your own shoulders. Ten years ago I almost gave up on making new friends. The key is showing up with a smile and an appetite for new experiences even when you’d really, really rather stay home. I’m still learning to not be so sensitive. Life is too short for that, so beat it back! And keep in touch with old friends even if it’s just once a year!

[@lemmings6516]

I Never struggled to make friends and was always pretty extroverted. I got my heart broken a lot of times and am now a little tired and scared of reaching out. I need to accept that the beauty of friendship lays in its temporarity. If I get scared to love because I am scared of losing it I should remind myself that I will maybe loose the friend but not the love. Because the love I feel is mine and it’s forever.

[@vq2vx]

So true about friend breakup; it hits different. Especially when it happens at one of your lowest points, & then you realize that a friend of many years has been taking advantage of you financially, degrading you to mutual friends, & emotionally gaslighting... This betrayal cuts deep.

[@Julie-si3hi]

Oh i can so relate 😢

[@melodybales2038]

I feel like Caroline is just sooo good at throwing gentle shade. Tactful with saying 'you suck at this for this reason' but in the most loving and genuinely helpful way.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

hahah i had not thought of it that way but i accept

[@melodybales2038]

@Caroline_Winkler This video in particular isn't the best example, but it occurred to me while I was watching the only self help content I regularly consume is from you. I love your videos and Im hoping one day when I get my own place I'll be able to use more of your tips! 🩷

[@TrueCrazyLion]

Just replying to this comment cos I agree with it so much 🙌 Caroline is like the big sister we wish we all had, IMO. I’ve grown to love her videos for their combination of expert no-BS advice and brilliantly dry humour, all gift-wrapped by superb production and editing. Truly unique! 🔥

[@PraveenSrJ01]

Well stated 😊

[@TerryAnnOnline]

Yes, shared environment is important. I think it’s important to be consistent showing up to some social gathering (be it a Bible study, work out class, hobby class). I don’t make friends easily so the chances I make a friend by just attending one social gathering is highly unlikely.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

absolutely. even being able to reference the same kooky group leader, or a common reading or reference point is huge. that can be everything needed to get a rapport going beyond "what are u watching on tv rn?"

[@lauraelisee]

Show up if you’ve committed even if you’re nervous! I’m pushing myself to do this more

[@masterdancer999]

Caroline, I wanted to share that I watched this when you first posted it. I replayed this video as a pep-talk before going to social things. I followed all your advice. I now have an amazing community of friends in my new city. Thank you for being my internet big sister/friend!

[@Caroline_Winkler]

oh my gosh!!! this is the best gift ever! i am so FREAKING delighted for you. you did the hard, very hard things. and i LOVE when it pays off. and thank you extra for taking the time to come back here and let me know

[@aliciaa7831]

This video is so comforting and cozy, you're like a wise big sister, the errands, the rain, I love it all! Thank you for this refreshing format of a video!

[@tetyanamoravska9388]

Dear Caroline, I feel it's high time to tell you how much I appreciate the fact that I found you and your channel (but mostly important, you) in this overloaded world ❤ You are incredibly wise. Incredibly smart. Incredibly incredible. Sending you lots of love ❤😊

[@Caroline_Winkler]

would hug ya for this, big time

[@m007mm]

I also don't believe it...

[@suspenders]

caroline, i'm not sure if you remember this, but we met briefly in a serendipitous manner in front of my apartment a few months ago! (apparently a friend of yours is my neighbor!) i remember thinking you were so easy and so comfortable to talk to, that i had to literally stop myself from holding you up, because i felt like i could just shoot the shit with you for hours! 💗 it's almost hard to believe you've ever struggled with making friends, as you were just as genuine and bright in person as you are here on youtube. thank you so much for this video. it's not only super helpful to so many, but also sheds light on vulnerabilities that many people have in common but may not want to admit! i adore your channel and the way your personality shines through your videos. 💗hope we bump into each other again one day!

[@hannahmitchell87]

Aww how lovely is that!? That's a truly beautiful compliment 💜

[@Caroline_Winkler]

Aw of course I remember exactly where! One of my closest friends, Ashely, lives there :) it was such a sweet run in and you were so kind you absolutely made my day. It’s funny meeting people in person, I’m always afraid I’ll be a disappointment. So this comment really made me happy, big hug to you❤

[@doubleornothingtwostep]

Caroline, this is so great! I teach social dance classes several times a week, which honestly began somewhat selfishly as a way to keep dance at the forefront of my life, but holy cow, I had no idea how much it would mean to others as well to have a place to come, often alone, and almost immediately make new friends and feel part of a community. I feel blessed to help others connect. If i were to suddenly find myself in a new place and situation, I'd absolutely seek out free dance classes or other group activities, because you are correct, soooo so many of these people are at the root, motivated by the hope for connection. It's really beautiful to see it all go down!

[@Caroline_Winkler]

wow i love this one. dance classes!! i used to go swing dancing with my friend, definitely so much fun! im glad it has been so surprisingly rewarding

[@m007mm]

@@Caroline_Winkler I used to dance a lot, never understood why so many at the parties wanted to chat all the time! 😅 I wanted to DANCE!

[@Unseelie01]

I am working on talking myself into going to a folk dance class they have locally here every other week. It's walk-in. The first hour is teaching newbies easy step dances. I am tempted to go because I figure I won't need a ton of coordination or a dance partner.

[@SculptExpress-gv8jp]

Dancing and singing are amazing vents for our souls. I’ve heard that Greeks sing, dance and crush plates based on an old belief to show the Hades that they are still alive! And I think that all our festivities from birth to death (in Catholic tradition - Carmine - where after a funeral everyone gets drunk 😬) are based on that idea. It’s about being alive! The problem today is technology and overly organized events, where people don’t dare to sing or dance if they feel they are not good at it, where you are supposed to sit and watch professionals do it, where parties are all about food and a bit of chit chat. But, in fact people need to participate and have that proverbial “fun!”

[@FinalGrain-jm4eu]

Saying something honest to my friend was a dangerous move, but it made him stop being my friend and I finally heard him say everything he's been saying behind my back to my face.

[@JillKnapp]

YES! Volunteer volunteer volunteer! Also: volunteer. Animal shelter! Food bank! Hand out programs at the community theater (bonus: see a show for free). Park cleanup! Annual bird counts! Meals on Wheels! Habitat for Humanity! When you show up, you'll have a task to accomplish with a group, and you'll meet quality humans who want to make the world a better place.

[@CopingwithGrattitude]

If I did that at an animal shelter, I would have 40,000 animals.😂😂😂

[@sacha3910]

I truly believe that most people on social media started not for the fame and brand contracts, but to reach out on a very human level to build a like minded community. This is social media at its very best. There is a flip side of finding a like minded crowd, but in the main it’s pretty wholesome. Back in 2014 I had a blog (more like a diary/ therapy than to be commercial) We had a bit of a network and used to meet up, my son even dated one of the daughters of one of my blogger friends. Those seem such gentle lovely times compared to the intensity of the social media landscape now!

[@ashdhaz5709]

i’m going through a friend breakup with 2 of my only friends right now and this helped thank you caroline 💗

[@Caroline_Winkler]

it is devastating. im sorry, friend. learn what you need to from it, and dont abuse yourself. it's ok to move forward with constructive reflection. there will be more connection out there for you

[@HappyHarryX5]

Sending you both Ash and Maria a big hug. Take care of your hearts.

[@BeatrixBetwixt]

Great advice. The rain is adding a chill unintentional asmr. I dig. I’m mid 40 & moved out of state. I genuinely like my own company but on occasion I do crave socialization. Since I’m artistic I like to take a class on what I find interesting. Don’t be afraid to say hello even if it’s through the internet.🙋🏻‍♀️

[@m007mm]

Most people are emotionally draining. I'm my best friend!

[@cheiadareia]

Hello! :)

[@BeatrixBetwixt]

@@cheiadareia hello to you too :)

[@HappyHarryX5]

Hello from Australia! I’m starting over in my 50s, like my own company and am very artistic too. It’s also fun to design your own classes to teach and do a deep dive into what you like and write a book on it. It’s great to inspire others too. Enjoy your new home and this chapter in your life!

[@BeatrixBetwixt]

@@HappyHarryX5 Hello & greetings from New England Fiona & thank you! It’s always nice to meet like minded creative people. Starting over is quite an adventure and I wish you a wonderful time in doing so. :)

[@rubicastillodelgado5905]

I swear you're like my paratherapist. I learn all of these valuable and timely things from your videos and talk to my therapist about it and she LOVES you. Thank you, and I wish everyone watching this video a new and valuable connection in 2024.

[@allyson--]

Right back at you!

[@MsVorpalBlade]

'How To Make Friends As An Adult' is excellent post-pandemic recovery advice for everyone. Also it's just nice to watch someone doing their chores and errands on a rainy day - it's a fun hang! Thank you for this.

[@rupertradar7424]

I’m 58, male, live in Australia. I’ve gotten to the stage of having virtually no one in my life. Thankfully I amuse myself and like my own company! I’m an introvert who puts on a hat in company. I play guitar, paint, bike ride, cook, all sorts of things. I’ve joined meet up groups, handed out my contacts, genuinely offered to help people including strangers but still…. No one calls. I’m no George Clooney but I’m in good shape. People are always smiling at me and saying what a nice guy I am. I’m a decent guy who people generally “love” but not hang around with?? I found this channel by accident but like it, we’ll done.

[@picklefan58]

It sounds like you make a consistent effort to improve peoples' day and I hope that gets recognized soon :)

[@frlacht]

Hey @rupertradar7424, I‘m 38, from Germany and in a very similar situation here. I‘m also an introvert with lots of interests and I even go on vacation alone. I meet a lot of new people and sometimes when there is a connection and I open up, people are really confused to hear that I feel lonely, mostly because they see me being so comfortable with myself so they don‘t see my lack of connection with others. Someone else in the comments wrote people should openly tell other people they want to be their friend and it would make connecting easier. Maybe it‘s a way for people like us who are so comfortable with being alone. It could right away make people see we really want to hang out and it’ not just politeness. I really appreciate you shared your story. Please keep on doing the effort and I hope you find meaningful friendships and connections.

[@caroline-brisbane8577]

Yep. Happy to be on my own, sometimes I wonder but ....

[@rupertradar7424]

@@caroline-brisbane8577 Hi. 👋 That sounds like the start of a story….

[@caroline-brisbane8577]

@@rupertradar7424 yes we all have a story some people are just too busy, or on a different path, I am starting to be ok with that. Caroline and this community make me smile.

[@JuliaMann-ek6xv]

I've suffered a friend break and it's the worst ongoing pain I've experienced. I don't know why this friend of 25 years ghosted me and that's harder than anything - the narrative I tell myself as to why I wasn't good enough HAUNTS me. I kept trying to contact them until I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend one day, who told me he just didn't want to talk to me. This was a lightbulb moment and I have decided to respect my friend's boundary and leave any further contact up to them. But wow, it hurts. I really appreciate how you speak about these situations, it helps heal my heart xx

[@1_viewer]

This video was golden. I watched it at 5pm and decided to go to an event I had an invite to at 6:30 which I might have blown off if I hadn't watched. I engaged with various people for three and a half hours and felt better when I left having connected with more people than I otherwise would have made an effort talking to. Thanks Caroline.

[@hilary4719]

It’s been over 4 years since my biggest friendship breakup. I still cannot look at pictures of them without crying. I’m married with kids and just now starting to attempt to open up to the idea of true connections again. Love this video. I’ll need to watch it like a billion more times to get there fully.😂 but I really appreciate you and your view points, you’re my friend in my head.

[@susanparsons9365]

I feel your pain. 😊

[@ASMRA33]

Hi Hilary, Im so sorry...I feel your pain too. I had a friend that I was SOOO CLOSE with and that betrayed me in the worst ways a friend could when I was going through the hardest time of my life! Ive moved on in every single aspect of my life but the part of me that was easygoing about friendships is broken. I haven't had a close friend like this ever since. The hurt runs deep. I pray for healing for you and that you will find a more meaningful trust and the love of a true friend!

[@Babesinthewood97]

A shared environment is good for friendship only if you are compatible. The worst times of my life has been living with other people because they’re just so rude. It’s much worse than living alone. I definitely want to live completely alone or with someone I chose myself, like a pet, and then by my own choice visit environments where there are people. But my home needs to be free of bullies!!! Being alone is NOT problem compared to being bullied.

[@karlabritfeld7104]

If your needs are that specific then you will never be happy.

[@brucemacmillan9581]

​@@karlabritfeld7104 She makes perfectly valid points. You sound like another of these bullying, judgemental people she tries to avoid.

[@milkystraw15]

I totally feel you!

[@karlabritfeld7104]

It takes effort to make and keep friends. I am 66 years old and i have always been the instigator of gatherings of large and small groups, dinners at my house, meeting friends for coffee or drinks or going shopping. You must make the effort because otherwise relationships will wither away. Don't worry about reciprocating. If s friend invites you to a party or out for a drink -- GO! You'll be glad you did. During covid people got used to staying at home and saying no. We are past that now, get on with life and see your friends!

[@crazyorangejelly]

Ive literally seen people advertise themselves on Facebook town community groups (the local groups where you ask about missing cats and moan about pot holes down town) as needing friends, they usually get a lot of comments from other people asking for a coffee or walk meetup. Its lovely to see that can work.

[@MinimumViablePicnic]

The bit about can't be best friend "right now" is definitely important. I'm a single mum which is so lonely, I met this other mum and liked her a lot but we didn't really end up friends etc. Then my dad got cancer and she happened to be a cancer nurse and had also lost her parents to cancer. It's a sad reason to end up being close friends, but she's now godmother to both my kids and one of my best friends. Sometimes it's not making best friends but knowing people and then life takes it's course.

[@irhonda31]

Very thoughtful video, as always! I do believe that people have trouble making friends, but I have never had that problem and I have never been lonely and I’m 64 and single all my life. A couple things come to mind from experience: be willing to have friends with people of different interests/religion/politics, etc., befriend people of ALL ages, and don’t cling desperately to people (oh, you just mentioned but this!). Be willing to meet or talk for 30 minutes to an hour, don’t take up all someone’s time. It drives me crazy when someone wants to be on the phone for two hours, and they don’t pick up on cues that I want/need to do other things. So, those are the people I rarely reach out to, even when I really do like them.

[@ceumareterra2713]

I had to end a toxic friendship, because my ex-acquaintance, who I never considered a real friend, needs to mature her mentality, in a healthy way. I've always been one to say yes to inconvenient people, I learned to say no to those who hurt me. Now I met a sister from the same church as mine but in another country, we respect each other, so the friendship worked out. It's very important we see if it's ourselves which need to change for a better person and do not wear 🎭

[@Mermaidjewelsnmagic]

Really great, honest video. Everyone is busy and I feel so alone. I am coming out of grieving and Truing to slowly change my life.

[@NurseJoe]

Friends breakups (real friends, people with who you've spent soooo much time) are one of the most painful things in life. Damn. Had one. Suffered like a dog in pain. Took me one year and a half to heal that.

[@hannah87654]

The rain in the background didn't distract, more like great ASMR! Thank you for this video. I'm 29 and moved back to my hometown after breaking off an engagement/11-year relationship. I've been here for nine months and "no new friends to show for it." But what you said about treating it like a job (aka something that takes effort) and that there are different types and levels of friendship -- both really stuck with me. On the bright side, I'm proud of myself for finding and participating in community in seemingly small but meaningful ways: becoming a regular at a few coffee shops and bars (and getting to know the servers names), consistently showing up to several dance classes (and striking up conversations with people), and saying yes to invitations (especially) when I want to say no. It sucks to do things alone but I'm learning to be okay with it and am pushing myself to change that current reality. To anyone reading this who may also be feeling lonely, you are not alone.

[@mirakuntner]

Caroline, thank you for speaking up so candidly about this heart wrecking topic. I myself moved 6 years ago to small town in Austria and this is just hard. Doesn’t really get better, people are so busy within their existing networks, that they don’t have time and energy for strangers.

[@UnoHoo1]

The state of the world, and def here in the US seems to be making people much less interested in making new friends. I think people are less trusting as far as letting new people into their lives, which, I suppose is somewhat understandable. I recently moved far from family and friends alone too. I am trying to hang in there, I hope things get better for you!

[@UsernamesForDummies]

I watched so many KZbinrs that made me think “fairytale” and then I realised it’s “facade”. I am in awe of your ability to be real and raw. That doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have a bit of facade, too. We all need that armour to survive, but many times you communicate the unhealthy inner dialogs we all have and also give pointers and ideas to quiet or overcome those inner demons. I’m 53 now and have been seriously ill for 45 of them. ‘Friends” came and went, mostly depending on how much partying and having fun I could participating in. But every time I was back in bed/hospital, these friends vanished. Although I was used to that, it was agony and heartbreak every single time. But through all these years, a couple of people stuck, like craft glitter. 22 months in hospital? “If you’d like company, I’d love to visit. If not, I’d be here when you’re ready.” These people are the little flame inside of me that still flickers when I’m close to giving up. I don’t have a large active friend group, but I have some priceless gems who’ll hold my hand, one day when I’ll have to go. What more could I ask for in that department!?!

[@orzori]

Thank you Caroline. That virtual hug has me on the verge of tears. Im so lonely, but im working through it, and this video has been both helpful and healing. Thank you.

[@hoppingwren]

I honestly can't stop making friends as an adult. I have to say part of it is luck - I do have anxiety but it doesn't manifest as social anxiety (instead I have insomnia) So I do think it's luck that i get along with other adults so well. Or like Caroline said you learn it, but somehow i learned it growing up and it transfered over to adulthood. But don't forget art - I do lots of art even tho I also work full time and have kids (pottery class, going to public art gallery openings [not the snobby ones], attending live music, doing community art programs, zine workshops, poetry readings). I agree with Caroline that sometimes you have to push yourself to attend, 99% of the time that I push myself I love it when i get there and if I don't I just leave! And do the weird stuff! that's where the genuine people are, because they are okay with being weird, they are comfortable with genuinely loving X Y and Z thing. I'm part of a group who sit down and listen to a river every month! We talk about everything from the cultural history of the river to the water bugs (we're making a film about it which is going in a local arts festival) I live in a small city (450,000 ppl), and I think how big your city is does matter a bit, but even tho people in my country criticise my city as typically 'boring' (we house the government) i meet amazing people every month just by getting out and being ethusiastic about what other people are into

[@y0utuberculosis]

You probably have mad charisma. I've seen people meet me and then meet someone immediately after who has charisma and it's like night and day.

[@augustek5382]

That is great, but 450, 000 ppl isn't a small city... Try 50k college town 😄

[@JillKnapp]

In 7th grade, my friend Carol said "When you don't feel like going to something, just go anyway. You'll always be happy you went afterwards." I'm 52 now, and her advice has pretty much never failed me. 😊

[@beatdizzy]

​@@y0utuberculosisI don't know if it's charisma. I grew up undiagnosed neuro spicy and was SO awkward and shy until I watched this guy (who everyone loved) say almost exactly the same thing to everyone who walked into a pub (English we are all in pubs from year dot), it was basically a long the lines of 'so great to see you, what have you been up to?' (or so great to meet you / are you up today). It's informal and it lets people talk about themselves. If they didn't ask him anything he didn't care, he'd just keep asking general questions. I am late 40s now and 'so what have you been up to?' is still one of my go to's. I realized in that moment that my awkwardness was kind of me making it all about me, and actually no one was paying attention on that level except me. I still get extremely anxious but it usually happens after interactions now (the whole should I have said x or y), but I've kind of realized that no one's perfect and if it's important then that person will ask for clarification.

[@lauraelisee]

I am someone who believes you can never have too many friends and I’m always up to meet someone new! ❤ I had a bad friendship breakup a few years ago and it absolutely sucked. When dating I always understood more or less why we broke up. With a friend…it’s so confusing and painful.

[@Caroline_Winkler]

confusing and painful. very well said. it can really make you question everything in a spiralling way. i am glad to hear you made it through and are so open to new people, that's an amazing thing

[@kiranpandey7764]

Can we be friends?

[@Starsmiley111]

Thanks for this C - it made me cry towards the end. My close friend of 27yrs ditched me a month ago - still raw. She closed down comms. & didn’t want to understand my perspective. At 62 with a low immunity husband, making new friends seems impossible

[@MrGadfly772]

I am 64. Just last week my best friend of 55 years said he wasn't going to be my friend any longer. We were like brothers, both of us are only children. He has refused to give a reason and has suddenly become very hateful. I am devastated. As I have aged I have lost friends and now I am all alone. I'm an INFJ so I can survive as a hermit....but I still would like a friend. My son is 24 but I can't have that relationship with him. It's a quandary.😮

[@charlotteh2864]

Thank you for this video. I have listened to other podcasts/videos about friendship but this video def hit different. Being disconnected from people and friendship is so hard and alienating. I feel weird. I am introverted. I also feel that when I do make friends, I CLING so hard to them and will do anything to make them stay even if they're naturally fizzling out. It's hard to let go and not take stuff personally. I know that many people feel alone like me but the experience itself is lonely. I also feel like I'm not looking for temporary friends, I'm looking for my support system, my community. I don't have supportive family or high school friends. I dislike the experience of having people flit in and out of my life. And seeing other people make friends so easily. I guess it all is a process and the only thing you can do is to keep trying, be weird, and take care of yourself.

[@lenadahling]

Girl, literally just came back from a work Christmas party where I knew no one and was a wallflower, feeling all the same feelings you described, but then one person invited me to their table and turned my night around. I instantly felt that I needed to do just what you're describing, and just get out there. Perfect timing. So well articulated and so needed to be heard. I'm in a very difficult city too, and I'm sitting at the party going - how do all these people know each other so well, and have I been living under a rock?! This city's so anti-social!! (Similar to Ohio!) Thank you for being candid and encouraging us all! 🙏🏻❤️

[@LaPetitePrincess92]

New neighbours moved in next door over a year ago and we had chatted with them briefly a few times but it never went any further even though we seemed to get on really well. We just assumed that they privately weren't keen to hang out 😅 Finally I summoned up the courage to invite them over for mulled wine and mince pies, and I was surprised to find that they were really enthusiastic! Hopefully all will go well 🤞

[@Lisa-jm3nk]

Well done! I wished my neighbors had done this.

[@allyson--]

Hell yea

[@LaPetitePrincess92]

@@Lisa-jm3nk yeah! I just figured, they aren't doing anything about it, but neither are WE because we felt like it might be overstepping boundaries or something. So if we're thinking that way, it's highly likely they are too.

[@ModdyPuppets]

Hug received ☺️ Thank you for the video. One of my favorite quotes about friendship is “We don’t own people, we just experience them”. I had a friend-breakup in my early twenties as a result of clinging too tightly to a friend who was ready to spread her wings and try new things when I wasn’t quite there yet. I did learn a lot from the experience and now I can enjoy people for who they are in the moments that I do get to experience them. Loved what you said about the ebb and flow. So true! Many gems in this video. Will be sharing it with my younger sister and maybe even with some of my students. Love your channel!

[@evakatz6351]

I met someone through a miscarriage support group who I really connected with. We met for the odd coffee/ walk but she mainly wanted to connect via text. We’d have long involved conversations about quite meaningful things (kids, IVF, toxic relationships, difficult family stuff etc) and I valued how smart and thoughtful she was. We were there for each other for some big moments in our lives (after I lost my Mum and when she lost another pregnancy) but she never wanted to speak on the phone, and most of our relationship was via text. I would have really valued that personal contact, and there were a few occasions when I really needed to chat that we spoke, but I always felt that it was an intrusion. After she moved an hour away and meeting in person became less practical, I felt I had to let the friendship go which was sad, but I had to accept we were on different pages about what we both needed.

[@karlabritfeld7104]

There you go. You did nothing.

[@ec5318]

For something like this, I would say think of her like Angel that came to your aid in a critical time in your life and she came and went and that is that and just be very grateful and move on. If you cross paths again somehow maybe you can try again or thank her for how she helped you at that specific juncture in your life. I have someone like this recently that helped me get through my dog dying. She was passionate about dogs and had compassion on me and I am so grateful that she entered my life when I needed her. I can contact her again.. maybe I will to ask how she is doing.. but if I don’t, I just think of her as an Angel that was sent to me during that really hard time in my life. Hugs.

[@nataliedeister4152]

The part about naming your challenges vs clinging to them as an excuse is soooo relatable for me. Thank you for calling me out and helping me find the motivation to try!

[@amelie-db7gu]

So comforting, love this! Love that you talked about the hurt when one person is just busier/giving you the brush off repeatedly. Like I'm at a point where I want to really invest in friendships but not everyone is. I have a 20 year old friendship that I can see is just breaking up because she is literally never free and it's breaking my heart/making me feel super abandoned. It's hard to know what standards/boundaries to have for yourself when it comes to friendships.

[@NoelleAm]

Thank you for the friend breakup piece. Acting like I'm not bothered but think about it all the time and feel like I'm worthless to be cast off by someone I considered a close friend.

[@GhislaineBeauce]

For years I struggled to make friends, despite putting myself out there, going out, doing activities and hobbies, coffee dates... Most of the friends and connections I made were transient, and yes, it was painful! Two years ago, I joined a choir, we sing music from Georgia, and some of the members are becoming friends to me. We've had several gigs and camping weekends since, and a group trip to Georgia earlier this year, it really is one of the best things in my life. In parallel, I have made friends in other parts of my life, and recently reconnected with old acquaintances, and I feel so much better about myself and my ability to maintain a social life. I also started going to a 5 Rythms (Gabrielle Roth) class since the beginning of this year, and some of the people I dance with regularly are also becoming friends. Absolutely go do the "weird" thing, that's where the best people are! And yes, social skills and hosting take practice and courage when you're not used to it!

[@allyson--]

You've built something beautiful for yourself :~)

[@JohnSmithh644]

One of my favorite things I learned from Callie branciforte was "you are never going to feel like it." It was regarding cleaning, but I find it applies to many aspects of life

[@SarumanDeWhite]

KZbin helps people realise that they’re not alone in their problems, and that it’s Possible to improve r things! Wonderful video, Caroline.

[@carolinesmith3470]

hi Caroline, I'm also Caroline :) I moved to a new city over a year ago and really relate to this topic and appreciate all your videos. i had a good friend in my previous city that used to throw frequent "hullabaloos" where everyone in our friend group would invite an acquaintance or two or three to the party. it was always super fun and silly, like a celebration of meeting new people, and people would end up being more connected or have a lot of things in common than they ever realized. and because the purpose of the party was a hullabaloo (nobody really knows exactly what it means) and bc everyone there was both equal parts stranger and friend, it really cut the anxiety and awkwardness. After over a year in my new city I found myself desperate to be invited to a hullabaloo, and last week I just decided dang it I'm throwing my own hullabaloo. sending love to everyone!

[@bleakaf]

"Who are these complaint going to?" is so important in breaking out of inadvertent victim roles. My friend has a similar kind of phrase which is "you're too old for this nonsense". Not in a shaming, self-blaming way, just in a way that snaps her out of moping and worrying and reminds her that she is in charge of her life now as an adult. 'making friends as an adult ' is one of those things we all recognise is difficult, but also think back, when has it ever really been simple? I moved from friend group to friend group as a teen until I found my 'people'. As an adult in some ways you have a superpower not available to you as a kid: you can deal with being embarrassed. So ask the colleague to go for a walk or coffee or dinner and accept you might get turned down. But also even if she can't do this weekend, she might say 'but how about next week?' Some of my closest friends I've made as an adult involved one or both of us wearing our hearts on our sleeves. Sometimes it's nice to remember the corny Instagram quote of 'you still haven't met all the people who will love you'

[@Lizlifedreaming]

i've been following you for ages and this is my first comment. This was profoundly useful for me. I just started reflecting on 2024 and some transformations within my control - and new connections was top of the list. Treat it like a job and limiting self narratives made bells go off! I adore my own company but in the last year my beloved parents died so a deep foundation of love left my life. Funnily [not] functioning depression and being a social introvert has slowed the old energy down. Last week I told my self I either give up or get off my arse and take the small steps to re create a healthier loving life. I seek some light rather than waiting for it to find me. Your video [and you] are a shining light and I took notes! much love - liz

[@janinem5196]

Yes, I get this. My mom died in 2022, and that deep foundation of which you speak - that's a huge thing. Empathy for you, and a new start for us both.

[@JWinch]

Long after college, after a very long relationship ended, I realized I needed to focus on making friends. I went looking in the self-help section of the book stores and found ZERO books on this. There are LOTS of books and advice on dating, finding a spouse, etc. But nothing on making friends. So I REALLY appreciate this video. I hope to find more on this topic. It has always been more important, but even more important in this age of technology-encouraged social isolation.

[@hallwang433]

Making friends as an adult can actually be easier than as a youth, especially in bigger cities. Happy to share thoughts and techniques. I think the reason why people struggle with it is the barrier to needing to evolve with friends making beyond the traditional mindset of “friend making”.

[@Claire-th7rs]

I’ve been in the process of trying to make new friends for over a year. I went to a social walking group this morning and was feeling down on myself afterwards. It’s hard to not feel like something is wrong with you after putting yourself out there with little success. This video came at the perfect time- you always have the most thoughtful and relevant advice, and I want you to know that you made me feel better today. Thank you!

[@allyson--]

I'm happy for you that you're making the effort! But I also hope you get some wind under your wings soon!

[@Claire-th7rs]

Thank you! ❤️

[@Caroline_Winkler]

hang in there - AND give yourself breaks too. i should have said that in the video. of course you have to take breaks, and hopefully when you get back to it you can feel recharged

[@kisikisikisi]

Something that breaks my heart is that I've met my people. People I would like to live in a commune with and grow old together. But our lives have taken us so far away from one another. My closest friends and I live on three different continents and four different countries. I don't even want new friends, I just want to go back to the time where we were together. Sigh. I guess I do need to meet some new people.

[@doctormimi9486]

‘True connection is really rare’ I needed to hear that and lower my expectations ❤

[@Ryu2o4]

This video helped in more ways that I can ever explain. Thank you

[@wild_cub_times]

This is the first inspiring video I have watched in the daylight rather than in the middle of the night when I can't really do anything about it. ❤ Yay My narrative "I'm shy"... I'm not shy, I'm cautious and familiar people made me feel shy about that.

[@Clint385]

I moved to a new city this year (working remotely) and just last week I ended up drinking with some regulars at a bar. It was the first real conversation/hangout I’ve had with anyone IRL in 9 months. Loneliness is a void but I’m thankful for this video right now ❤

[@sl4983]

What city?

[@dragontatoes]

I'm realizing (per the limiting beliefs about yourself part) that whenever I wish someone else would involve me in something, that's something I have to do. More people want to join a book club than start one, so take the initiative and start one. The worst thing that will happen is people don't show. I also don't want to ask or invite people to hang out, but I wish others would do that for me, so I need to make it happen sometimes.

[@fragrantbloom]

This is one of my favourite videos from you. I have moved to a new country to escape my abusive mom, and she cut off my sister and father from me because I cut her off. Five years here and I am still struggling to make friends, but I always do extroverted activities even though I don't want to, because I am an introvert. I have made some friends that I meet once every two months or so. I recently got a cat and he keeps me entertained. I subscribed for your room decor but stayed for you ❤

[@HappyHarryX5]

I found a quote that’s helped me lately. “The family member who decides to heal will be seen as the enemy as they have broken the pattern of family behaviour.” I hope you’ll be able to reconnect with your sister and Dad one day if you want to. My (adult) kids sided with my abusive ex in the divorce, even my non-abusive mother helped him out during it. I’m still having a hard time thinking about trusting people after 6yrs of healing, it’s a process but I’m being kind to myself. So glad you have your cat. Hang in there and take care of you. All the best for your future.

[@wendelljfreviews]

Trying to make new friends is a little like dating. I've met people that I don't really want to hang with and were weird and narcissistic. But I have been successful in making some friends that are nice normal people. You really have to put in a lot of effort, and continue to put in a lot of effort.

[@feiyingchen8886]

I never tried, just be myself and be respectful. If the right friends come, wonderful! If not, it’s ok as well.

[@kinseywatkins6983]

This is such good advice, especially #1. I’m 29 and have had to intentionally make new friends twice now. Once was immediately after college because I was in a new city, and the second time was more recently when a lot of my friends were entering their mom era, and I still wanted to go out and do single-person things! It's hard, but it's possible, vulnerability and getting out of your comfort zone are so important!

[@Bones97000]

I can attest to the “do the weird thing” scenario working. I got WAY out of my comfort zone years ago and went to a public board game library of sorts. Introduced myself to a couple of strangers who also looked like they didn’t have a group, and one of them has since become one of my best friends. We were out of touch for a bit because I lived far away, but I recently moved nearby to where he lives and my social group has blossomed because of it. DO THE WEIRD THING! (Disclaimer: not all my attempts at doing the weird thing worked out. I went to a few meetups and things too in those early stages and didn’t find any lasting friendships. So don’t be discouraged if it doesn’t work out right away. Give yourself time to find your tribe!)

[@kiranpandey7764]

Can we be friends? Who knows it might work out good 😅

[@christinepaley6149]

I just randomly landed on this video tonight, and it's so fitting. Tomorrow I am going alone to a dance party in my city to hear a band that I like. I have a fair sized network of friends, but none who will understand this. I have never done anything like this before. For me, it's the WEIRD THING. At 54, I was worried I might be the oldest person there. However, when I commented about that on the ticketing site, a couple of different women reached out to me. Turns out I won't be alone after all. Maybe I can make some new friends who share my interest?

[@dodgethis_]

My closest friendship fell apart, it was heartbreaking. It's been two years, and just now, I'm starting to get over the pain.

[@HappyHarryX5]

Take care of you. Healing takes time. May new good friends come your way soon.

[@minaz2816]

I went through a very painful friendship breakup many years ago…OMG, talk about very little understanding at that time!!! I actually got some therapy and I learned so much. Thanks for being someone who will talk about those difficult issues that aren’t mainstream! I knew I was a good, loyal and kind friend for almost a decade, so it baffled me that this friendship ended, but it did….not my choice. I’ve been on the receiving end of a friendship breakup and also to be honest, I’ve ended friendships that felt one sided. In hindsight I can say, that I’m grateful for the time the friendship worked and learned much from some amazing people.

[@AmirahJoy]

This is an excellent video and I appreciate these insights. I find myself stepping back from friendships with other women these days for one reason: I cannot stand the use of human beings for social climbing. The few friends I have (most of them are men) stay in my life because we have common interests and values. We get together for events and activities that we enjoy. There is no ulterior motive beyond that. I will never understand the proclivity to befriend someone because they can advance you socially, score you a tickets or an invitation to a big event, or help you get in on the latest gossip. Even the church I belonged to for a long time had a terrible social hierarchy that excluded and included on the basis mostly of who had money and a vacation house on the lake. It took me a long time to understand that a few true friends is far better than a bunch of users.

[@nattie911]

Social climbing is very important in careers advancement or even getting any employment. It's a harsh reality that I might have to pretend to like ppl and 'use' ppl to network and put myself where the opportunities are

[@AmirahJoy]

@@nattie911 I see your point, but I wasn’t referring to career advancement, but rather to interpersonal relationships and friend groups. I wish you all the best.

[@777mags]

The timing of this video is so crazy. After a very depressing birthday celebrating alone and vowing to have someone to at least CALL next year, last month serendipity reconnected me with an old coworker and we made plans to hang out. We've met up a couple times since, and while I have fun, I've been very aware of the fact that we are both intentionally trying to make a friend. We're both quiet types of people and no longer work together so occasionally we'll come to an awkward pause where we're unsure of what to talk about, and I worry we're forcing it. What if we're both so desperate for friendship that we're uncomfortably trying to create something that isn't there? And logically I know closeness happens over time. And logically I know if she didn't want to hang out, she could easily choose not to. She's quite a bit younger than me so that's also factoring into my insecurities... what if I'm dull? What if she thinks I'm just a pathetic 30yo with no friends (literally true) and she's taking pity on me? All of that in mind, we've been trying to keep plans going. It does feel like a job sometimes. Not bad, just a bit tiring. Trying to build a connection takes brain power and an emotional toll, but is very rewarding when we end a hang out and I feel closer to her. Building friendships as an adult is tough and truly is a choice. You're choosing to get to know someone despite the awkward silences or scheduling headaches. It has been sweet trying to build a relationship with someone again when I haven't in a long, long time. Trying not to get too invested in something that very well may not be the friendship of my life, while also being open to letting it become just that without my brain jumping in to sabotage. Just going with the flow right now and hoping for the best. It all sounds very silly when I write it out, haha.

[@hannahmitchell87]

It doesn't sound silly at all. I hate awkward silences. I also *love* comfortable silences. They're an acid test for a good relationship in my opinion. Nobody feels the pressure to fill the silence. Until you get to the comfortable silences, maybe you could change the kind of meet ups you have to reduce the pressure of finding something to say. Go to an event maybe or something with some kind of distraction, so you're not just sat across from one another, panicking. It'll prompt talking points & also relax you both, hopefully? 💜

[@evercuriousmichelle]

Yes!! I have all those thoughts!! Am I forcing it and we’re really not a good match? Are the friendship feelings still mutual? Have I not been sharing enough vulnerable things, have I been too vulnerable? And so on!

[@daiseechain]

The rain is so cozy. Perfect for this video. Thank you for talking about this because I think a lot of people are in this boat - myself included.

[@HappyHarryX5]

My socks have been my best friends for 16yrs. Living in a town that you have to have had 3 generations of family to be a local and everyone has the friend groups they grew up with. I taught many quilters in town to make friends but no one needed a new one. They are friendly though. I’ve discovered this year the most incredible people in town are the mental health workers!

[@SculptExpress-gv8jp]

Why didn’t you warn us what town is that 😬?

[@SculptExpress-gv8jp]

Why didn’t you warn us what town is that 😬?

[@AmyStClair]

Caroline, I am an 80 year old woman who lives alone in the country. Very different from your world and your life. I am subscribed to your 'whatever it's called' and I love it. You are so honest and courageous and I love hearing your stories and experiences and insights. Thank you.