How to Overcome Fear of Conversation: 5 Key Phrases

[@danielfaherty491]

One thing I prefer about texting is I have more time to formalate a response. I find my answers aren't as good in person.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

No doubt. That’s an advantage. But there are disadvantages too.

[@maricilezafarte3499]

I totally agree!

[@fd4511]

Same here. That's why I was watching this video. Verbal communication is a skill that is developed through practice, and I'm grateful for these phrases that I can now use to "edit" what I say. Of course, some information is better conveyed through a letter, but can be followed up with a phone call. Confident and experienced communicators advance in their career faster than competent technical subject matter experts without solid verbal communication skills, so it's to our advantage to overcome our limitations. I'm going to read the book that was referenced, "Reclaiming Conversation" by Sherry Turkle.

[@phoenixsimone6276]

One of my favorite elements of your videos is how close you are to the camera. I find myself super-engaged, focused, and listening intently. The “in your face” position relays how involved you are with the audience. I began to take pages out of your book by setting myself up close to the camera when I hold team meetings. I have a feeling it's prompting a more inviting interaction and myself and my team. These phrases have help me. I've been practicing them with my staff and my daughter who has never lived without gadgets and tech. Thank you!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I got so close to the camera not intentionally but just because that’s how I could set things up in my office in front of a window. A lot of people make fun of me for being so close to the camera, but it doesn’t seem to really matter. If the content is good people don’t care. And the people who do care I just looking for a way to give me shit anyway.

[@grandmajane2593]

I am constantly evaluating your teeth, they are fascinating. Whoops did I say the wrong thing again?

[@flyingfoxes2630]

Video starts at 5:35. 0:00 - 5:36 Reasons why talking face to face or on the phone is better than texting

[@Kevin-cm4ow]

Thank you ❤

[@AuraFire666]

Thank you. Most of us with social anxiety were this way before we owned mobile phones..

[@joycejarrard6958]

I am 68, and I have only had a smart phone for about 7 years. I was awkward and had trouble with social interactions before the isolation of Covid and retirement. I am watching your videos trying to figure out what to do. My whole life I feel like most of my attempts at social interactions go badly.

[@maja8453]

The forth just blew my mind! For some reason I've always thought thay people think "in sentences", and that I am wierd for thinking in "feelibgs and pictures". THANK YOU! LOVE this channel as a public health student

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thanks Maja! Please share with your classmates.

[@rushminute]

Sometimes I say: “Let me think about this.” as a way to quickly to pause and gather my thoughts before I say it. Or I’ll simply say: “I’m not sure how to word this.” This sets up the listener for a possible mistake or the fact that I may fumble with my words. Gives me more room for error. I’ll don’t get as nervous when I do this.

[@inaede]

1. Sorry/apologies, that’s not what I meant. 2. Sorry/apologies, can I try that again? 3. S/A, that did not come out right. 4. S/A, I’m having a hard time saying what I mean. 5. S/A, that sounded terrible.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thanks for the useful summary!!

[@emilycross4527]

Not only will people allow you to try again, they may already understand what you meant, and try to help by echoing back to you what they understood, or partially understood. As in “I’ve got you, were you trying to say x”. They’re hopefully not just coldly standing there watching you struggle, it’s a two way conversation in the moment. There’s interaction and overlap. It’s not a serial ping pong back and forth the way texting necessarily is. Good video.

[@obertinsky]

Thanks bro!!! Oh this man is so helpful for all my entire surrounding. Thanks you're gold nugget man!

[@1Peter245]

I love your sensitivity, 'it's not that nothing ever important ever happened over text...it's just that ." This helped me understand that other people do sometimes also stick their foot in their mouth and I have watched more socially minded people use some of these phrases with success. Thanks for the video!

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thanks, Michael.

[@michelekurlan2580]

The entire landscape of communication has been affected, across generations. Modern tech appeals to the natural human tendency towards laziness and it shows,from lack of desire for real face time to impatience to expanding waistlines. Even growing up in the 60's and acquiring (and practicing)daily face to face social skills, I have learned to sublimate the desire for real time phone chats and get togethers and receive exponentially less phonecalls from friends and family and am not the Lone Ranger here, just among the ranks of the lonlier rangers from my generation,when calls, get togethers, drop-ins (and getting off the couch and going out to play)were the welcomed norm. Many associations have died on the cross of social media. Good thing we have "apologists for communication" using the very same vehicle which separates us (modern tech)to help mend the rifts. Very helpful Dr. Lambert. Thankyou

[@EricZucchini]

I have to say, you totally sold me on the idea of memorizing phrases in that other video. You should totally do a mini explanation why that's good in these kinds of videos.

[@aleithea2715]

Excellent video. Thanks.

[@MoonPhaze5]

Texting means I have a sure record of what was said between myself and another. To me, that's valuable.

[@N0B0DY_SP3C14L]

You mentioned, "Let me rephrase that.", which I think is probably the most common and useful. Another thing I didn't hear you mention, but is in fact also a VERY significant factor, both in speech and text is PACE. The pace of the conversation can be controlled by either side much more effectively and the aspects of bids and turning toward vs turning away can be mitigated much more easily. One can excuse long response times with reasons pertaining to their activities, especially disingenuous ones, which affords security, but does little to establish trust. These understandings have come to pervade modern thought, and are crucial to take into account. Video conferencing can do a bit to mitigate these things, as they provide an opportunity for the person on the other end to view the physical surroundings of their counterpart in the conversation, but they are truly no substitute for a face to face conversation. These days, the rule of thumb tends to be that unless one is recognized as close or of already established interest to the recipient of communication, one should text if they want to, call if they have to, and generally text before calling to confirm availability. Also voicemails are next to useless these days. Is that a good thing? Certainly not, but it is the current trend in modern communication etiquette. Thank you for making this video, I hope younger folks will watch and learn a lot from it. you carry a good message, please keep up the good work.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Really thoughtful comment. Thank you for taking the time to share it with us. Can you say a bit more about controlling the pace of conversation? What do you think is the strategic usefulness of controlling the pace?

[@AhmdsYT]

Hello Dr. Bruce, I come from a generation where digital interaction is common, yet I hold the belief that face-to-face communication is invaluable. Despite this, I often find myself nervous in in-person settings with unfamiliar people, such as interviews. I do my best to articulate my thoughts clearly, but I struggle to express myself as effortlessly as I see in mock interviews on KZbin. I’m seeking guidance on how to unlock my full potential for confident and natural speaking in interviews, without the mind-freezing moments that tend to embarrass me. Thank you!

[@shurikencookies]

Very interesting, I've been binge watching your videos and I like your way of teaching. From watching your videos I think most people I would imagine have the same views or fears and anxieties I guess towards conversation so if you can develop the the skills in face to face conversation to relax the moment and give more time for thought (someone mentioned controlling the pace of conversation) then that can help you to say the right thing and to express yourself clearly, which can help the other person feel more comfortable and therefore engaged. As you've said you need interesting thoughts to have interesting conversation which was a huge lightbulb moment for me to not limit my knowledge and understanding in life, so thanks for that.

[@joshkaye5303]

I might edit your script and say 'Well' instead of 'Sorry', whereas 'Sorry' brings too much attention to your mistake, but starting with 'Well' is more alleviating to the awkwardness in a joking way. ...."Well, that didn't come out right, let me try again"

[@richardsmontalvo720]

Hahaha this reminded me when I was trying to joke with a acquaintance. We both were exchanged volunteers. She was Brazilian and I am Ecuadorian. We were talking quietly in the park then she said that she couldn't shower in her host family house. So I said 'you can take a shower in that pool over there' I even suggested roguely I could use a towel so that no one see her. I didn't see her face expression. Maybe I would had known she felt awkward

[@nathanponzar3816]

I agree. However, my fear of conversation is a little different. I really fear bothering people. A lot of times, especially with strangers or acquaintances, it's not easy to tell when the other person is ready to end the conversation, because we usually don't show our readiness to leave an interaction until we've already tried letting it end of its natural accord. This means that if I wait until I start seeing signs that the other person is ready to end the conversation, they've probably already been wanting it to end for 5, 10, maybe 30s or a minute. The idea that someone might linger with me even one second beyond what they would naturally want is a pretty terrifying thought and causes me to avoid initiating interactions, and I end conversations earlier than people usually want because I try to err on the side of leaving my interlocutor wishing I'd stayed longer than wishing I'd left sooner. This has a pretty negative effect on my social life.

[@diego750]

There are some people in my life who I actively avoid having text-based conversations with, and these people are prone to spontaneous, throw-away remarks that land much better in person but will descend into long diatribes and/or arguments over email or text. Text-based communication is stripped of intonation, body-language and for me is the least human form when compared with voice or in-person conversation. I genuinely believe a lot of the polarisation of opinions in the world today are down to how communication has changed in the last 10-20 years - text is black and white, there’s no room for grey, for softening of a message, your words damn you for either side.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I agree.

[@fd4511]

Text as a media is best used with full command of the topic, respectful of time and place. If there's a misunderstanding, a phone call right away gets it resolved fast. Verbal conversation is more forgiving, but I've realized I have developed a habit of texting when a verbal conversation would be more appropriate; like a training wheel that never got removed. This reminds me, there was a time when a hand written letter was considered a rare gesture of care and respect. Perhaps a phone conversation conveys that respect and care now.

[@flowerpower8722]

Also voice tone and body language is missing in texting. That makes for a huge disconnection with that person.

[@Raminakai]

Yes and much room for misinterpretation! I have had that happen. Based on what is going on in my head that isn’t reality.

[@extrules]

Overcome your fear of face to face interactions. Posted 3 years ago. Yeah I bet this went super well.

[@karlad4082]

I don’t think it’s just young people falling for this trap. I know my friends and I do it all the time, and we’re in our 40s. I do agree with this interesting analysis though. I will try to do better 😊 👌🏼

[@mnikaluza4]

I like texting or video chat because i am a visual learner and i will remember what the person is saying so much better in a text than an all audio conversation

[@LS-sh2st]

Acknowledging that a person might say what he/she didnt mean is always appreciated. Sometimes, it bothers me when that person blame u for 'misunderstanding' something terrible they said

[@KPLC.]

I agree I’m literally scared to talk to anyone I don’t know because I’m used to talking online

[@carolynmccall7592]

I get overwhelmed by articulate big talkers (like yourself), even though I’m drawn to them. The speech center of my brain seems to go numb. I am able to communicate complete responses so much better in a text. Also big talkers seem to have no patience or interest in my response. A text gives me an opportunity to deliver my idea.

[@ortb281]

Bro, I’m anxious about texting in the first place 😂 don’t get me started on face-to-face convo

[@اسامةسلاممهديصالح]

1- sorry that's not what I meant to say 2- sorry , can I try that again 3-sorry, that didn't come out right 4- sorry, I'm having a hard time saying what I mean 5- oh! That sounded

[@OMARYassin1]

Thank you

[@tieraleos5472]

I avoid phone calls mainly because they end up taking longer than I have the time for. I really don’t like just sitting on the phone for a really long time and saying not much of anything. I’m fine with a 10 minute conversation but a lot of people in my life will go on for 30,45 minutes just going through their day. I don’t want to be rude or hurt their feelings. And when I say I have to go they usually acknowledge it then start talking about something else. Any advice for this?

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You can try to set a time expectation at the start of the call. But this is a tricky problem I struggle with myself.

[@mikebingham9700]

Sometimes when I talk to my sister on the phone, she tells long winded, what she has been up to, however, when I start to get engaged with my conversation, she sometimes says: "I've got to go"! Being that she has Crohn's disease; the I've got to go could have two very different meanings.

[@Shellshellzee]

Its okay to be abrupt. Just interrupt while she's talking and say, "hate to cut you off, but I gotta run. Talk to you again some time"

[@RodeoDogLover]

Thanks for your videos-I do really enjoy your content. But I will say, one thing I have noticed is that people are often quick to point a finger at the "young people" like they are the only ones using their phone as an avoidance tactic. I'm 47, and I admit I have done it, and I've had people my age and older do it right back to me. It's not about age. It's about the availability of technology that allows us to interact this way. And those people who are in the older generations probably never learned good communication skills or are socially awkward who have embraced this method because-let's face it-a text rejection doesn't sting like a face to face one.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

You’re absolutely right.

[@Zeeshan_Ali_Soomro]

Good channel 👍🏻

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you. Spread the word, and share with your friends.

[@rubenzepeda7884]

Good comment 👍🏼

[@louboulanger7595]

Yes sir !

[@roberthickey2618]

I have 2 friends in particular, who I will Only text with no matter what. They both can dominate an oral conversation from beginning to end, and I don't have the energy to fight then on this one, so it's text text text to Mike and Lester! 🤣

[@AuraFire666]

Even before I ever even owned a phone, I still always had trouble talking to people.

[@raenata6671]

You’re awesome I needed to hear this!

[@someone-hz8tj]

honestly if I had a family member die I wouldnt want my friends to show up at my door and speak to me, I would want to just be left alone

[@mikebingham9700]

Knock, knock, c'mon out and let' talk about your situation. Tell me (to my face) all about it! It's gonna' be great! Let's talk at Starbucks, ok?

[@Nic-tg2ei]

Trying to call my friend on the corded phone in the 80's made me scared of conversation. His dad was an a88hole. Made me develop a speech impediment. But I agree with you that the change in availability of easier communication methods has damaged an essential skill.

[@inaciotasse6706]

What if when you ask for a retry you mess it up again, and again? I feel embarrassed.

[@lisaschuster686]

Tone of voice is lost in texts. I confuse people a lot more in text.

[@goodfoodandtoursjamaica]

Wow, technology created social anxiety!

[@joesix-pack4022]

I avoid text conversations because I'm. very. very. slow. at. texting. I like email though!

[@emilydawn9557]

Hey 👋 when will you carry on making videos?

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

I’ve been doing everything on TikTok since September 2020. I have 300k followers there and only 14k here. But I should do more shouldn’t I?

[@russellbrazell7671]

@@HowCommunicationWorks yes please! I understand that you tube videos are harder to make but they are also much more helpful. I have high functioning autism and I'm trying to build better communication skills and your videos are the best ones. Thank you for the ones you have already put on here

[@lisaschuster686]

Rule for taping oneself: Never break contact.

[@bullinmd]

I HATE talking face-to-face or on the telephone because I could say something (not necessarily the wrong thing) and the receiver, sometimes my parents, gets extremely angry.

[@BrookieCookie317]

Some of the least empathetic people I've met in my life have been millennials who are old school in their communication style (enjoying face-to-face talking over texts). I don't buy avoidance of face-to-face communication decreases empathy but I do think it can greatly hinder communication skills

[@sponkmcdonk3898]

Maybe they are on to something. Conversations getting documented are a defensive posture in a world increasingly growing more litigious (in the US at least).

[@daniellartey6327]

I'm totally fucked cos I've got social anxiety and I don't even text people. It's equally as awkward for me

[@mikebingham9700]

Sounds like you have zero social skills. Are you unpopular?

[@bullinmd]

What do you do when you are confronted in a face-to-face conversation when the confrontation is a 2 or more to 1 against you?

[@ericdmaki]

I would caution against being overly apologetic. It's unnecessary in friendly conversations. Just say, oh wait... that's not what I meant.

[@scienabramwell9867]

Yes true but it’s ok to take time during a face to face conversation to think about how we want to respond before we talk, nobody’s going to get annoyed with that unless they are jerks, you can even say, I need a minute to think. There’s nothing with this!

[@fd4511]

There are common filler phrases and nonverbal responses that would let them know we're listening. With experience, those phrases are on autopilot while the creative part of mind is quickly coming up with appropriate responses while simultaneously listening. Practice makes better. A strategic pause is OK, especially in a calm environment or outdoors because minds are not overstimulated and there are other things to savor in the moment. In a crowded, loud and dynamic environment the conversation flow will depend on a good sense of humor, kindness, breathing and the experience with focusing. Eye contact can be broken while you speak and use gestures, but maintain it while you listen. Some people are feeling overwhelmed by eye contact, so it's okay to break it to think and then reconnect with the person after few seconds. I use "give me a sec." to let them know I'm thinking about the question.

[@kona7305]

Sorry...... 1. That's not why I meant to say. 2. Can I try that again? 3. That didn't come out right. 4. I am having a hard time saying what I mean. 5. That sounds terrible.

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Thank you.

[@user-lr6pg7ti7t]

So this contradicts what "everybody" says, "writing are thoughts put on paper" also, I don't like reading, I blame my primary school teachers because I never seemed to understand/comprehend what I read according to them, I think I gave up on reading right there and then (for pleasure at least)

[@chiboyeke3590]

I love you bruce, no homo😊

[@ElOscarMendoza.]

La verdad actualmente no tengo a nadie para ayudarme a corregir mi inglés,(además de mis compañeros y maestros), No tengo alguien externo para corregirme, y así poder establecer una conversación sólida con esa persona.

[@ok-tl7qj]

Holaaa tienes snapchat o algo así? Si tu me ayudas con mi ingles yo te ayudo con tu español! I am good at English because its my first language

[@ElOscarMendoza.]

@@ok-tl7qj Nop, i don't have snapchat. Sorry.

[@grandmajane2593]

No, they are not. One slip of the tongue can mean an instant enemy. Its happened to me several times. Now I avoid talking with people as much as I can.

[@lisaj5769]

1) That sounded terrible. 2) Let me rephrase that.

[@АнастасияЦыганкова-ю4ь]

But adding this remarks you arrtact attention to your fault, why can't you just say next sentence trying to smooth things without commenting on your rudeness etc?

[@lisaschuster686]

He left out the part where you don’t understand what the other person is saying.

[@StoicNature444]

I think you may need expressive eyebrows in order to communicate well 😅

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

It helps.

[@bullinmd]

How can you say face-to-face or telephone conversations are rewarding?! To me, if I say something, it doesn't reward me because the other person gets angry! Right now, I am upset because I am asking questions on this site and I am getting zero valuable responses.

[@hannahmitchell87]

Hi Michael :) I've seen a coule of your comments on this video. My response might not be valuable but I'd ask why it is the people you're conversing with get angry. Are there underlying issues with certain people that need work or is it that everyone you talk to gets angry?

[@bullinmd]

@@hannahmitchell87 Sometimes I blurt out information better kept to myself. Most times, I say a topic to my parents that sets them off or they confront me on a topic that ends up with one of us either frustrated or angry.

[@hannahmitchell87]

@@bullinmd Yeah, I hear you. I often engage my mouth before my brain. I think a good piece of advice when discussing disagreements is to repeat your interpretation of the other person's viewpoint before responding with your opinion. A lot of arguments stem from misunderstandings & poor communication. If you can get the acknowledgment that you're both on the same page before continuing, it increases the chances of a productive discussion where both parties are understood & decreases the chances of it escalating into an aggressive, divisive argument. Easier in theory than practice but something I've been trying to implement

[@jaysinger72]

Off title rant about phone use. bah..

[@HowCommunicationWorks]

Can’t a guy rant on his own channel?

[@Raminakai]

@@HowCommunicationWorks Make a video about using a bit of a sense of humor to deflect strange feedback? I lack a sense of humor at times, and am trying to develop mine. It takes the edge off of some annoying things in life. Thanks for the modeling! 👍