How to Overcome Internalized Homophobia

[@reluctantme5183]

Thank you for an incredible video Daniel. I believe life's journey as a gay or bisexual person can always be build on for more self acceptance/confidence. Heteronormativity can be quite destructive for sensitive people with bisexual and gay preferences.

[@TheCoachDanny]

You are incredibly welcome! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!

[@brentbraniff]

You hit a lot of things that struck me... First off, my high school years were terrible. I didn't have the skills you had to get through it, I just took all of it in and ended up believing that maybe my bullies were right and that I was worthless. To this day I still struggle with that. When I came out during my college years I thought for sure I would meet others like me and find a community but I didn't. Back in those days gays in my town didn't want anything to do with someone who was out. The closet was the safest place for them and having anything to do with me would mean guilt by association. My straight friends, although accepting, didn't know how to be supportive especially if I was confronted by homophobes...which happened quite a lot. These days I have a hard time feeling comfortable around the small gay community we have here. I have never felt good enough to be gay. I think my early years of being told I was ugly and worthless did a number on me. I have never dated anyone and my sex life is non-existent. So, yeh, low self esteem, internalized homophobia with no support group can, from my experience, put a damper on having a full life. (Oh, I am in therapy when I can afford it.)

[@TheCoachDanny]

First and foremost, thank you so much for your vulnerability and sharing that with us. As Gay & Bisexual men, we experience rejection from a very early age (not everyone, but a lot of us do) and that impacts our perception of the world and ourselves. I would say that I acquired the tools over time and it took MANY years of overcoming fear, stress, anxiety, etc. In fact, I still struggle with some of those things today... I just know how to manage them better with the tools I've acquired over the years. Please know that you are valuable and have worth. You matter. :)

[@fashionandfood.dailyy]

I love your videos! I always hid my sexuality from my dad's family. In college, I felt I was ostracized by a lot of gay men, and had a gut feeling people knew me negatively. I was blocked, unread, and avoided! I relied on a dating app for validation which led to more shame, depression, and insecurity. As I gotten older, I wanted gay male friends I can relate to from interests, hobbies, & lifestyle. I feel its too late!

[@TheCoachDanny]

Thank you so much for your kind words and sharing your story. I don't think it's too late to develop a network of friends! It really depends on where you are looking and finding a tribe of people that have similar goals and interests as you. What do you struggle with the most when making friends? If you don't mind me asking!

[@justpaintingtheperfectpict7168]

@@TheCoachDanny I struggle in making conversation, connection, and not being relatable. I witness gay men in all age groups hanging out and get jealous bc I never got that experience. In college, I hooked up a lot, and heard that people didn't appreciate me. For a long time, I stopped hanging out and kept to myself bc I perfer a drama free life. Why be around ppl that are associated with opps. I am also a social media influencer and work with brands to improv tourism in my city. My schedule is already hectic. I wanted to become an influencer to keep my mind away, make money, and the mindset of being busy will forget the thoughts.

[@pridetherapy]

Great video! Thanks for discussing this.

[@TheCoachDanny]

Thank you so much for your kind words! I think it's a very important subject. :)

[@PhillipGiosio]

Now I understand totally why I am the way I am, that's me thank you so much....

[@PhillipGiosio]

I have a lot of internalised work to do. Hope I am strong enough to go through this. P

[@TheCoachDanny]

Of course you are strong enough!

[@PhillipGiosio]

Always had to be strong to survive...but it does get so tiring ...

[@TheCoachDanny]

Of course, having to always be strong and carry a majority of the weight IS exhausting. I hope you have some good self-care practices in place to help you decompress.

[@odaishams2648]

Thank you so much brother. i live in the middle east and it's challenging to be LGBTQ+ here. being exposed to western point of views def helped me accept me more. I'm still navigating life without sharing my sexuality with my parents whilst still living with them. I'm forced to wear a lot of masks. but i think it serves as a very fruitful Journey of growth and acceptance and compassion with me. as i zoom out and look at myself a a spec of dust in the galaxies, it makes life lighter a bit .

[@TheCoachDanny]

Thank you so much for sharing that. I understand that it can be difficult to navigate your sexuality when you live in a country that is not tolerant of the "lifestyle." You seem to have a great head on your shoulders and your mindset if your greatest asset. I hope one day you have the ability to share who you are freely and openly. :)

[@odaishams2648]

@@TheCoachDanny ♥️

[@ljrockstar69]

Thank you Daniel for this topic, I've experienced this throughout high school and most of my adult years. I've been around several acquaintances and friends who were homophobic which impeded my expression of my real self and in my teens and young adult years. I felt "less than" and was worried about how people viewed me which, and I was taught through bible study (Jehovah Witness), repeatedly, that homosexuality is the work of "Satan" and will be punished by God, etc. so more so of that type of fear mongering that added to not share my sexuality to others. Also, I was surrounded with heterosexual friends and did not "fit into" their conversations about females, and somehow they new my lack of interest, so I kind of felt kind of left out. It was a mixture of fear and shame if I were to express my sexuality, but that was a different time and place. I think now there is progress and, therefore, I feel more comfortable today, but only a few people know about it, and don't "advertise," unless people ask me. I feel that sexuality is a private thing, and only if people bring it up to me, then I would share, otherwise I leave it alone. However, my question is "internalized homosexuality" the same as being "closeted?"

[@TheCoachDanny]

Thank you so much for sharing that. Some would argue that being closeted is a result of fear. Fear of expressing yourself authentically and embracing your sexuality regardless of others opinions and therefore, there is shame attached to it. That shame or "discomfort" with our sexuality would be a layer of "internalized homophobia." The basic definition of internalized homophobia is adoption and integration of negative beliefs and prejudices about your own sexual orientation or gender identity into your self-concept and worldview. This can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and self-loathing, negatively impacting mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being. I also understand that environment can play a key role in your ability NOT to come out for fear of retaliation or physical harm. In those circumstances, I truly believe that a person is actually choosing their well-being and prioritizing "self." Therefore, the need to remain closeted for safety reasons is different and may not necessarily point to internalized homophobia. Hope that answers your question!

[@gregorylipscomb5788]

Thanks for such a wonderful and healing talk/ conversation. It’s an important and lifelong journey for sure! I’m just curious if you or others have thoughts about the following… How do you juggle the highly important self acceptance you have spoken so eloquently about and the reality that the world around us can be so deeply homophobic and even life threatening…. ? Consider being gay/ LGBTQ in Russia, or certain African countries, for example. I realize this question has so many moving parts, though it sadly may be deeply relevant to so many gay/ bi men around the globe.

[@TheCoachDanny]

It is an incredible important question to ask! I have spoken to many men is countries such as Africa, Dubai, etc. were being gay is frowned upon and life threatening. There are still many areas in the United States where it is unsafe to be openly Gay or Bisexual. There are many ways we can unpack our internalized feelings of self that doesn't have to be out in the open.

[@Nothing_Left_To_Say]

you started with a very strong opening, saying that integration within the general society is a very good survival ability developed in evolution. i have very good integration skills, and who cares if it depressed some traits i had as a very young kid or it fitted nicely on my "true identity" in the first place, it happened and i feel comfortable with it, i even like it, i find it sexy. just a very normative gay guy, who can be mistaken to be masculine straight in a second. but nevertheless, im gay, and that i believe is an unchangeable innate trait, so i really can never be fully integrated within the straight community, and i will always lack the sexual openness straight have in their natural dynamics. on the other hand, around lgbtq communities, I'm totally a "rare bird", sometimes only my presence and natural straight like behavior can trigger traumatic behavior in lgbtq members, just being around them makes them uncomfortable to express their true selves. so what should i do? accept that i don't belong to any group? force myself to believe i have a problem with internalized homophobia and force myself to reintegrate myself but this time to the queer community? (like i see many do so they can find a social place for themselves). i really don't know! in the meantime i just isolating myself from any group. you talked about your time being a freshman, let me tell you my experience as a freshman in uni. in school I've been a very regular, blended, down low guy, who didn't bully anyone, especially not because of masculinity. actually, i had feminine close friends and i didn't care about it at all. after i finished serving, i came out of the closet because of a hate crime against lgbtq youth, a shooting massacre that happend in my country. so when i entered the university, i wanted to start fresh, and it was extremely important to me that no one would mistake me as straight. i wanted it to be very clear and bold that I'm GAY, so i just bought and wore anything i thought that could draw attention to the fact I'm gay, it was so easy actually, and worked wonderfully. it wasn't because i wanted to be accepted among gays, i didn't know any gays at the time except for hookups i had now and then, it was primarily because i wanted to feel and see what the general society would think of me if they knew what my identity is, i wanted to face the monster, to look for it in their faces, react and defend. so actually, i did just the opposite of what you did, and just like you, it didn't last... maybe if i could sustain it i could be more popular among the queer community, and at the time i was, but it wasn't the authentic me, it was one color of me that i just exaggerated, but it wasn't who i really am as a whole, so slowly i got back to who i was before... anyways, my conclusion from all that is that sometimes concepts that are used to rephrase our life story and make us more liberated and satisfied, can also at the same breath make others very miserable, just because they acted as they were designed to, as a survival natural machine, by adapting to their native society. i feel all the time that more than i suffer from homophobia from straights, i suffer from lgbtq members who use the term "internalized homophobia" towards me, without really knowing me. and i hope that everyone who advocates for this subject will take it into account.

[@TheCoachDanny]

Hey there, Thank you so much for sharing your story and perspective. I deeply appreciate your honesty and the thoughtful way you've expressed your experiences. It's clear that you've navigated some complex and challenging dynamics with a lot of introspection and strength. Your point about integration as a survival skill is really important. We all develop ways to fit into our environments, and for many LGBTQ+ individuals, this means learning to navigate both straight and queer spaces, sometimes with difficulty. It’s understandable that you’ve found a way of being that feels comfortable and even enjoyable for you, and that’s something to be respected. It's also important to recognize that the experience of being a "normative gay guy" who can be mistaken for straight can come with its own set of challenges, especially in terms of feeling like you don’t fully belong in either community. This can be incredibly isolating and confusing. Your feeling of being a "rare bird" in LGBTQ+ spaces and the discomfort it can cause for others is a real and valid experience. You raise a critical point about the potential negative impact of the concept of internalized homophobia. While acknowledging internalized homophobia can be a path to self-awareness and healing for some, it can also be weaponized in ways that are hurtful and unfair. No one should be made to feel like their way of surviving and thriving is wrong or inauthentic. Your decision to survive and fit in is a story that I myself and many other Gay & Bisexual men have experienced as well. Regardless, I wanted to offer a few thoughts that might help you and others who share in your thoughts navigate this situation: 1. Self-Acceptance: Embrace the fact that your journey and coping mechanisms are valid. It's okay to feel comfortable and even enjoy the identity you’ve developed. There's no one "right" way to be gay. 2. Creating Your Own Space: You don't have to force yourself into a predefined community. It’s okay to create your own space where you feel authentic and at ease. Sometimes, this means finding a select group of individuals who accept you for who you are, without forcing you to conform to specific norms. 3. Communication: If you feel comfortable, consider communicating your feelings with LGBTQ+ or your heterosexual peers. Sharing your experiences might help others understand your perspective and reduce the judgment you feel. 4. Therapeutic Support: Talking to a therapist who understands LGBTQ+ issues can provide a safe space to explore these feelings further and find ways to cope with the isolation you’re experiencing. 5. Balance: Strive for a balance between expressing your authentic self and maintaining the aspects of your identity that you’ve grown to love. It's not about choosing one over the other but finding harmony between them. Your experiences that you've shared, in my opinion, are a vital reminder that the LGBTQ+ community is diverse, and everyone’s path to self-acceptance is unique. It’s crucial for advocates and community members to be mindful of this diversity and avoid making assumptions about someone’s journey or identity. I hope you do not feel that this video perpetuated that. The purpose of the video was to support and help individuals who feel or think they may be struggling with shame surrounding their sexuality. The term used in this type of scenario is internalized homophobia, but that does not necessarily mean you are homophobic.Thank you again for sharing your story and contributing to this important conversation. Your voice matters, and your experiences are valid. -Danny

[@Nothing_Left_To_Say]

@TheCoachDanny Thank you for your reply. No, I don't find your video offending at all. Now that I'm thinking about it, what a bad term is it "internalized homophobia". First, the word homophobia, automatically associates people who suffer from this condition with bullies, criminals and gender haters, just by using this term on both cases. And internalized, bad in a different way, it's like saying to a person that something else possessing and dictating his behaviors and choices, in other words telling him he is weak spirited and controled by something inserted to his mind by others, no wonders that term automatically creates resistance from anyone who are told he has it, and no wonder it used many times as a curse or a bad label towards others. Sometimes the words/terms we use matters a ton. A point for thought.

[@TheCoachDanny]

This is why sharing perspectives and opinions in a respectful way is SO important. In truth, it's not something I would have necessarily reflected on had you not brought it to my attention. I often feel people have a need to present themselves as "all knowing" or "the most educated," and while I pride myself on my knowledge and empathy, I am still, first and foremost, a student. My clients teach me everyday as I do them. Thank you for sharing. :) -Danny

[@Nothing_Left_To_Say]

@@TheCoachDanny Anyways, you are not the one who invented this term, and you have no choice but to use it in order to communicate on this subject. I just wish we all as a community in one united decision would decide to change this terminology to something more constructive and less offensive.

[@TheCoachDanny]

do you have a term in mind?

[@otisberlin]

Great video. Thanks.

[@TheCoachDanny]

You're incredibly welcome!

[@lithious]

Married 23 years to a woman who knows I'm gay. I hate myself for it.

[@TheCoachDanny]

Reach out, let's have a chat if you're comfortable.

[@lithious]

@@TheCoachDanny I am currently seeing a therapist. I am usually sincerely happy, but frequently miss what relationship I could have with a man. There is no feeling like the embrace from a man.

[@lithious]

@@TheCoachDanny things are a bit too complicated to reach out, but thank you kindly for the offer

[@TheCoachDanny]

No worries at all! I am happy to hear you are working with a therapist.

[@stephenboudreaux5318]

Gay

[@mattb1568]

Wonder why the algorithm decided to put this on your feed… 🤔

[@stephenboudreaux5318]

@@mattb1568 it’s pride month, the algo is focused on shoving this weird stuff down normies throats to try and gaslight people into thinking it’s not insane.

[@TheCoachDanny]

While I appreciate individual perspectives and everyones right to have an opinion/comment... I don't tolerate hate speech or bullying in any form. If you have an issue with it, you don't have to engage in the subject matter. If you'd like to have a respectful conversation about it, I'd be happy too. If not, you will be blocked.

[@Владислав-м1к7у]

@@stephenboudreaux5318people who tend to be closeted gay are always going to spread negativity about that. It’s 2024 get a life dude, want to have a male hole just do it. Do not embarrass yourself:)

[@Mayor-q6b]

Lmfao. I’m def Part of the problem cause as a gay man my response to this was “you ate that, this is pretty gay”.