How to Solve Rejection Sensitivity (3 easy solutions to live without fear ✨)

[@ClaireCaoimheRaeMoonshadow]

I will perceive rejection even in positive situations. I can have a great evening with friends, then come home and question everything I had done or said. I think that they don’t actually like me, just tolerate me. 🙁

[@michaelgay5895]

Oh my gosh same! Like the "they're only tolerating my existence because they're too polite to tell me they hate me to my face" thoughts are very strong sometimes!!! 😭

[@TheTomatoWatcher]

It's so nice to know I'm not alone in this. I grew up knowing I was autistic but NOT really knowing what that meant or entailed, and I found myself surround almost exclusively by people that HATED me and people I found out were fake friends, either those afraid to tell me how they really felt but trying to avoid me, or those planning a future betrayal. So after several years of that, you start assuming that's the default for every group of people you come across for the rest of your life- "CLEARLY I'm the problem, I'm the one who's not 'normal,' so how could people's feelings toward me ever really change?" It sucks. I literally cannot accept a positive social interaction for what it is and will read into absolutely every aspect of it looking for what I've done wrong and looking for clues that I'm unwanted just as I always suspect. :[

[@zacariasnelson5753]

So real

[@deerecoyote2040]

That's what's going on with me right now. I had pretty much the same experience as you. My relationship with my girlfriend is being seriously impacted by the fact that growing up autistic and abused by a bi-polar mother, I'm always terrified that she'll leave me, and sometimes I start getting really anxious and freak out asking rapid-fire questions which she can't handle (we're both autistic and transfem for what it's worth, and she's really sensitive to sound). For the past month I've been scaring her on occasion by becoming and absolute mess of over apologizing and crying and begging her not to leave whenever I do anything slightly wrong. She's been really compassionate and forgiving, and I'm getting better, but it still sucks that we have to go through this. Her mental health is recovering and just when it looked like we could go back to both just being emotionally alright and living life normally again I got into a massive fight with my mother and it shattered my self image which I had worked for months to rebuild and all the anxiety, fear of abandonment, and self hatred camw rushing back. I'm going to get better and I will be okay, this is just really difficult to go through.

[@IMeanIGuessWhatevs]

Same

[@seichysweetpie3781]

I've been unable to play multiplayer videogames for years because of my crippling anxiety and I recently started playing Sky on my phone without knowing other characters weren't Npcs but people playing in real time. When I realized this I immediately closed the app, I had a bit of a panic attack and I haven't played it since. Now I understand where all this anxiety comes from and I plan on start playing again even if it feels uncomfortable Thank you for this video ❤ I really needed this

[@culila]

I knew the other people were players but when I sat on a bench with someone for the first time and they wrote I got so overwhelmed with having to come up with a good answer... I just got up and flew away Sky's really good for some low stakes nice moments/interactions with other people Or to just exist in tbh it's so prettyy I hope you work up the courage to start playing again :>

[@meagancrowley5197]

I stopped playing Sky for the same reason 😂

[@endeavor1664]

Omg same I relate so strongly to this, I didn't know that other ppl felt the same! I actually started Sky knowing it was multiplayer and thinking maybe it would be my one shot at playing a multiplayer game because of the lower stakes. But it was still too much for me and as cool as the game was and as badly as I want to play it I just can't go back because it makes my skin crawl. I really wish I could just enjoy it :(

[@dizzynarutofan100]

How's it going? Get any games in? Just remember that your deserve to play/enjoy life as much as anyone else

[@PopOcular]

Omg I love playing sky!! I usually just interact with other people without lighting them up because I feel less pressure :)) usually if I hang out with someone long enough I have the pressure to friend them but I realized that i dknt need to 💖

[@stephaniewright5424]

I have a HUGE fear that comes out when i sense something is changed or off about others’ feelings towards me that were at one time positive- its the fear that in reality, everyone tolerates me and exchanges knowing glances about my behaviors and works around them, while I am the ONLY one ignorant to how my behavior affects everyone else. When all seems well, i feel confident as long as I’m getting positive feedback. If that feedback pauses or stalls or if i receive criticism (even just perceived criticism), I consider once again, “ what if this whole time everyone has just been dealing with you as you are, knowing how you are and you are the only one not in the know about how you are to everyone else. What if you’re the one that takes up too much of the communal space and are completely oblivious to how it constantly affects everyone around you.

[@LeadHerring]

I mostly have my fear of rejection under control these days but one area where it really seems to manifest is when Im cooking for people. The idea of serving something to people that they dont want to eat but just have to suffer through to be polite seems to bring out a knee jerk appologetic response. It's a hard one for me because i really dont like wasting food, but its something i really want to get past

[@launacasey6513]

I definitely experience this. And you are 100% correct in saying that you basically have to force yourself to do the things that cause anxiety in order to retrain your brain. I kinda hate that this is true, but it's the only way forward.

[@katsscrunchie2305]

my fear of romantic rejection is soo bad. i've found i have a tendency to hide away and obssess instead of actually talking to the person, and then i feel sorry for myself even though its almost always self imposed ... anyone know how I can work on this because I always means to do 'exposure therapy' but when the time comes I feel so sick I can't even bring myself to look at the person. I feel like I hate being percieved as romantically interested in someone even though I know it's so normal 😭 can anyone relate oorrr.....

[@bazbuco]

Yes, I would say you NEED to make yourself engage with this person more. The more actual engagement with them will expose you to their flaws as a person, which will humanize that person. Also you will inevitably be forced to ‘be yourself’ around them because it’s just too exhausting to keep up the illusion. They NEED to see the real you, and if they happen to not feel strongly about you, then GOOD, now you’re free to go find someone who will feel more strongly about you. You need to entertain the idea that they are actually people out there who you will feel strongly attracted to who WILL reciprocate that. Don’t make the same mistake I did and pine after an unreciprocated love for YEARS before I finally freed myself by admitting to them how I felt. I should have just divulged my feelings ASAP in the beginning so the possibility of rejection would have much less impact and free me to move on and meet someone better for me. Rejection hurts, it really does, but regret and avoidance is so much more insidious and anemic to your romantic life. To use an medical analogy to describe the emotional weight of it-It’s like the difference between falling off a bike and getting scrapped up and bruised badly (rejection) but making a recovery in a week or month vs. ignoring a chronic injury that stays with you for years and debilitates your quality of life. Rip the band-aid off. Remember that there is some person out there someday who desperately wants you to feel romantically about them, or who can only fully love you once they see that vulnerability coming from you.

[@katsscrunchie2305]

@@bazbuco thank you for replying so in depth 🥺💞

[@MrGadfly772]

This was me for many decades. I am now 64 and isolated and mildly depressed but it has become a way of life. I had never heard of this before but it makes a lot of sense.

[@SuperHappyNotMerry]

once someone called me annoying, just once, and I shut down and stopped talking to them for THREE MONTHS! for me rejection is a thousand times harder to handle when it's someone I know and love, which this person was. even though I don't think it's nice or kind to call people annoying, I understand now that my reaction was probably incongruous with the severity of the situation

[@abhad]

I don't think any video ever has touched the very core of my beeing like this one. thank you, like really really thank you for making me see myself and the world in a new light

[@fathomgreen]

I signed up for your course in January. Thank you for pricing your courses at an actually reasonable price!

[@hayley.honeyman]

Of course!! Affordable care is super important!!

[@straberryshinigami15g97]

@@hayley.honeyman do you have courses for financial need?

[@arachnozure]

as someone with rsd and has been self sabotaging lately because of it, this is helping me cope so much :) its so nice to see it being talked about more, i feel so understood

[@juliewedam9826]

Thank you Hayley ! Thank you so much this helps me a lot with understanding my RSD connected to my ADHD a lot better. I've really been struggling at work and I think RSD plays a major role. I love how much courage you demonstrated ! Sending love!

[@JSRenow54]

Just suffering this when it comes to love. Exposing myself to rejection has not helped much, I am getting closer and closer, sick of reliving the same first date with the same end result. I am just pursuing my carreer and business, I am tired of being rejected for just being me.

[@natalieo5415]

I also don't correct people because I think that if I do that person will secretly hate me. I'm also terrified of confrontation because I'm scared that that person will hate me forever if I confront them and that makes some incredibly anxious. Thank you for this video, I learned a lot from this!!

[@darkcreatureinadarkroom1617]

A year ago I did something for me that accidentally ended up resulting in quite a bit of exposure therapy: I dyed my hair purple. I am terribly self-conscious, I used to feel like I was being observed and judged all the time (I still am to an extent). Now, because of my funky colorful hair I _know_ I'm being watched, and I'm learning to be comfortable with it and not associate it with negative judgment because 99% of the time it's not (and even sometimes it's actually explicitly positive), and I want to use this experience as a gateway towards bolder expressions of my personality, like with clothes, or even tattoos 😱 (which you have now made me realize the main reason I haven't got one yet is RSD, I have a major fear of contacting an artist and having them think I'm dumb because I'm not entirely sure what I want... Or that what I want is dumb)

[@josvanderwerf]

Rejection sensitivity is related to childhood trauma. So called exposure therapy could make things worse. Ifs therapy is extremely effective in resolving childhood trauma and what is called rejection sensitivity in this video. Which basically boils down to the narrative of 'I am not good enough'.

[@MONEYM723]

I just learned in therapy that RSD is apart of my ADHD...been working so hard over the years to get through it. This used to cripple me so damn bad. I'm happy to know about it now that I'm in my 30s but this would've helped me had I known early on in life. I always felt something was off with me and my interactions with others. This is why I love isolation but it always leads me into a depression. double edged sword for sure. I overcame people pleasing thank God.

[@nathananderson8720]

This is one of the channels that gave me the courage to start my KZbin channel 9 months ago about self development. Now I have 1,794 subs and > 1k hours of watch time. I know it’s not comparable with others but I’m still proud I started because I’ve been learning so many lessons that I could haven’t learned without getting started in the 1st place.

[@walkingexercise5375]

Just found your channel. Thanks for the helpful videos! I like this premiere and chat format. Video suggestions: A video on tips for exercising and drinking more water. I only did about 10 walks this year and not really any toning workouts. Also a video about planners/ to- do list methods, for example, some people use a daily planner, weekly planner, just a monthly calendar, or a daily, weekly, or monthly list on a piece of paper. Maybe productivity experiments like Erin floto designs in her time management vlogs tried different time management methods, Living like Leila has a video a week of pomodoros, and PetuniaRose in her video called Building a routine am and pm routines mentioned at about 7 minutes into the video about her theme days.

[@elenid7530]

Wow it's so relatable that you said you need a daily, weekly, monthly planner. I'm looking at getting the same things for myself so I can be more successful at school and life generally lol. It's validating to know that it's not necessarily my fault when I'm burnt out or overwhelmed, also loving the ADHD community for support 💜

[@_Crazy_Melon_]

if you want to drink more water just buy a new water bottel and be hipper focust on it voor 2 weeks. 😂 jk it does work but its really expensive.

[@lavendermochii6910]

This is genuinely so helpful and so reassuring to me ❤ I've always suffered with the inability to talk to other people (new people or current "friends") because of the overwhelming anxiety and mental distress due to the uncertainty of rejection and how I'm not lovable enough to be friends/partners with them. It could be bc of a past experience I had with a friend that hurt me so severely and gaslit me into believing I was the one in the wrong, I overthink about everything now and the moment something or someone bothers me, the problem feels so out of reach to solve bc of me always believing that someone outside of the situation will think that this is such a minuscule thing to get worked up over thus i don't set "minuscule" boundaries for myself because i dont feel justified to do that to them. (I hope im making sense 😭)

[@saoirse7167]

I don’t know if I have RSD, but I have at least a 50-50 chance of having adhd or autism based on family history alone and I tend to people-please a lot. I’ve had feelings for a friend for over a year and haven’t said anything. I’m terrified of him thinking badly of me or no longer wanting to talk to me and that dictates how I act around him. I think I’ve become a lot more socially confident as an adult, but this relationship is the exception. He’s emotionally mature and intelligent, understanding, also might have adhd and I could try and convince myself rationally that talking to him about my feelings would be fine, even if I don’t get the answer I want, but I’ve convinced myself he doesn’t feel the same way, so why risk it? I’m 23 and have no romantic experience, which seems quite unusual.

[@mack-attack-420]

Good on you for actually going out and doing some field testing. That is damn admirable. 👍💪

[@j8kethewizz]

this is largely unrelated to the info in the video but your living room looks so cozy

[@kendallfleck5696]

I stayed in this music program that I was put into in third grade for 10 years. The first 5 I barely knew how to read music and would mimic eveyone around me so no one would view me as stupid. That was the end of the world for me. All of those kids thinking I was stupid and the teacher so I just mimicked for like 4 or 5 years until I understood music enough to start figuring it out for myself

[@WingSlash]

Trust me, I am. It's something I came to terms with a while ago. I'm not a pleasant person to be around. I'm bitter & angry & I don't see much of a point in going on in life. No one has ever taken notice of me & no one ever will, and that's life for me. It's how life will always be for me, and I'm used to it. I don't care for this world or the people in it, and I will die an ignominious death having achieved nothing. That is me. That is who I am. Don't bother trying to convince someone you don't know of who or what they are. They know deep down. They just don't want to be judged for who they are, so they hide their true selves away.

[@colonelcrackerz2320]

Fantastic video! You just gained a sub. I feel so seen, especially ordering food! Drive throughs or phone orders are a no no and Ive never heard anyone else feel the same as me

[@yannah8903]

I love how the first step is: find a bunch of people like you. Have a community. Ok Sherlock, be right back. Didnt know it was that easy

[@GloryToGodAlmighty]

I let people think I don't have a job or income because I don't want to change their assumption of me. I'd rather look unemployed than have them be happy for me in a new era.

[@koda7214]

I have always struggled the most with RSD when it comes to job applications. Currently struggling with it right now, too. I can't even bring myself to apply to t anything because in my head , I already fucked up the application and feel humiliated. I just want to feel like a normal adult for once. Thanks for posting this video. It did make me cry, so that sucks, but man it's so nice to know I'm not the only one who struggles with this.

[@FrozenAfricaPrincess]

I’m in the exact same boat rn and trying to calm myself down so I can work on them. It’s so awful, it’s the thing I struggle with the most! Sending you good energy so we can hopefully both pull through!

[@AuntieJojoReads]

The hardest part of RSD is that you can logically know that strangers don't care what you're doing but your emotions just will not believe it

[@bazbuco]

so basically the way you go about bridging that gap is that you reinforce the rational truth with a ‘held value’ I’ll call it. You remember to yourself that the judgment of strangers is not only an unpredictable thing, but VERY much not important. And then you ACT and conduct yourself in that value as someone who’s choosing to believe in it. If you do this enough, you actually begin to feel differently. It takes the power away of others’ judgments or perceived judgments and gives it back to you. It gives you something healthy and logical to tell yourself when you are spiraling into shame or self-hatred.

[@ellieraccoon]

Years ago I was really into this girl. I never asked her out because I was so sure she would say no. A few years later we grew apart as friends and I find out that she was really into me, she just thought I wasn't interested because I never hinted or asked her anything like that.

[@miraclefromthemud]

Obie!!! So cute indeed!!

[@Atmatan]

I grew up online with the truest of weirdos. I've never had the problem where i can't be myself. For me, it was just a matter of carving out what that meant.

[@blairdurward4324]

I don’t really have this outside of an existing relationship, but WITHIN a relationship I get very angry or anxious at even the slightest perceived rejection.

[@Addy1987]

I have diagnosed ADHD and Borderline personality disorder... I have never found the BPD diagnosis accurate and am starting to think that it is a misdiagnosis because of Rejection Sensitivity. I've always been sensitive and quick to tears, difficulty managing my emotions and for me it's usually internalized. And I'm definately a people pleaser, i've been used so many times because i have difficulties saying no. Thank you for this video explaining RSD.

[@skippergin2695]

You explore all the sides of RSD which is helpful. I definitely have the anger when dealing with people but I run towards encounters a lot of the time, so a lot of explanations didn't quite mesh with me. I'm definitely a people pleaser, but a very angry and resentful one who eventually lashes out. I have two friends who I mesh with but...share almost none of my interests. As I'm ADHD, that's saying something. I also keep on clashing with people who are autistic. It can't be every autistic person, but the autistic people I've known are the source of so much bad feedback. I'm tolerated and forgotten about and there aren't the clear signs of disgust from neurotypical people so I keep hanging around longer than I would, until I get shut out completely.

[@tephus807clans2]

Every time i talk with my friends and i do that a lot. Afterwards i always hate me for what i said or did and even nothing really happened. Thank you for this Video. It really helped me understand somethings. Thank you very very much.

[@mr.midgardville]

Thank you! After listening to this and reading some comments. I dug deeper into myself to the root of where these issues at times stem for me. And man, almost got a small rush after i pieced things together and got a bit of a revelation, and was able to honestly say "F that!" To myself and feel great about it! 😂👍🙏 Kinda what you said about saying things aloud or writing them down and realizing it's not a big deal, but on a broader scale.

[@Walleyedwosaik]

Even thinking about it makes me feel anxious

[@CursedAIJams]

The way I'd summarise my experience of RSD is that I avoid even trivially confrontational conversations because if I get yelled at, that's gonna ruin my entire day.

[@iliketea162]

When i was 18 i got my first job after not being around anyone except my family for years,i was so excited and nervous,i saw a girl around my age with jewelry and a tattoo of the same flower,so i asked if it was her favorite flower and she said "no" and had a straight face so my mind blanked and i was like "oh"i walked away wondering if she hated me and never talked to her again but its been a couple years and I've been socialized enough to just laugh because its kind of funny and not that serious to other people

[@SarahMaddox-p8f]

Omg I thought it was normal for friendships to have to end if someone said you’d done something that annoyed them.

[@firesmash600]

something that I've been trying to do to combat my anxieties is telling myself that even if nobody else in this world will ever love or even remotely care about me, I'm enough for myself and that's what matters

[@jnb-iv6zu]

How can i move on from the trauma of rejection? How can i possibly, after so many years of believing that im unworthy of anything good, begin to believe that im worthy of a connection with a person? Thats what rejection sensitivity is to me. Thinking that everyone can tell that im the odd ball who shouldnt even be trying. But i have thought that was for 8 years and i am just now growing tired of it. I want to give people a chance.

[@gotthejob6943]

Haha I can totally relate to this! I was David for a solid like 6 months until everyone looked in the year book pictures. Good times haha!

[@shark0chie438]

It says a lot that the part of the video came up where you were going to ask to see the kitchen to get rejected, and my brain thought "Hey, remember those dishes we've been putting off doing?"

[@Zullala]

I was actually in the waiting room of my therapist's office and I went to get a little Dixie cup to put some water in... I was trying to only touch one cup so I was doing it one-handed and the cup wouldn't really lease from the others. I gave the cup a slight shake, but nope, it wasn't going anywhere. I finally decided to grab onto the other cup and then pull the top cup free. Then I became so overwhelmed that I just sat back down and started to silently cry to myself because I thought that everyone was upset with me. Like, "How dare she touch more than one cup! That's disgusting! She's ruined the cups for everyone else now!" I was pretty upset but at least I went straight into therapy 3 minutes after haha. Also no one cares that I touched two cups and if they do that's their own problem. I keep telling myself that anyway haha

[@anachyinuk]

I feel my RSD is always the aftermath, so maybe it's just rejection, but it's the big overwhelming consuming emotions. Also, taking criticism from people I care about. People I don't know, not all that bothered but someone I care about, something that I've done to be nice and it gets questioned or seemingly being criticised? Immediate defense. But yeah, writing down and talking about those instances where I have felt rejected, massively help me. I still suffer with it, I'm only just being able to start challenging my RSD, but I'm going to keep working on it.

[@YaakovEzraAmiChi]

I hate wanting to talk to someone but unable to. A lot of my life I spent quite and told myself I’d just be rejected and to not even bother. Hell once I got a GF once and I ended up becoming convinced it had to be a set up for some kind of cruel “prank”. Anxiety and depression is tricky. That was back at 16/17. Now I’m 32 and was experiencing wanting to ask someone for their number. I thought they was interested and yet I failed to ask for a bit. And it angered and saddened me. Frustrated mostly at myself for being “afraid”. Yet the constant “what if” got to me. 32 and I have trouble asking someone for their number. I was shaking! Wtf. But I still did it. She said she had a boyfriend. Funny, the rejection didn’t bother me as much the failure to ask did.

[@leticiacarneiro8814]

Thank you for this! It's mys frist time seeing your Chanel and you seems really cool and your ccontent seems good! I'm yet still I the process of better understanding and un-tabooing my supose adhd and rsd is major problem for me. I was just now feelings really depressed cause it has been a long time since I've seen my partner cause I've been really busy lately and been missing then a lot, but I was just overwellmed whit the idea that I was just beeing clingy or smt and that they probably don't even care that we haven't hanged in a wile (even tho they said they missed me too ;p) my partner is also Nero divergent btw, autistic, but I don't think she deals whit rsd, at least he never demonstrated it to me. Now I feel a little bit better, thank you!

[@dasfirecat]

I let a girl I was head over heels for take advantage of me for 2.5 years, bc she knew I would do anything she said, even, what should have been major boundary breaks. I STRUGGLE with neutral interactions at work, group tasks, and even in video games. However, I was never aware of this being a symptom, or medically recognized, but, I knew it wasn't normal due to compairing with anyone I knew who didn't share personality traits with me. Basically, when I met someone with strong boundaries I studied them as much as I could, and, eventually asked them how, asked interpersonal questions to more people, finally just asking anything I want to COMPLETE STRANGERS. This took 8 or 9 years to get there, but if you mimic those traits from others, take the "all they can say is no, its not that deep" literally, and adopt the "conversations IRL work like video games, go up and press A", to heart, then, you get exposed to so much surprisingly positive interactions. And, pay attention to and acknowledge that in most cases you won't see that person again, so, it'd be really dumb of them to hold on to any negativity, it helps solidify the idea of just saying whatever and being okay.

[@newshrimp]

I had the exact Taylor situation happen to me. It lasted 2 years until I left that job. I had to wonder if using that job as a reference would even help with new employment in the future since they did not know me by my actual first name.

[@AliceT3a]

So recently my best friend completely blocked me from everything, revealing many situations I had been selfish in her eyes when at the time she had never brought up problems or seemingly had acted like nothing was wrong at the time, only to say the opposite in her final message. We're both neuron-divergent people I have ADHD, but have only been aware of it for 3 years, and I've been working on things like RSD and impulse control, from this experience and knowing some history around my friend, I now understand she was a chronic people pleaser, and possibly had RSD as well. She never set boundaries and when she did they were unclear. How do you deal with rejection like that? I feel like other ND people would understand each other more...

[@saml302]

went on a date on the 30th, was rejected on the 1st (happy new year me), and been struggling in the aftermath ever since. and the Al Gore Rhythm suddenly sends me this. huh. weird but welcome.

[@HYPERLLAMAS64]

I want to be surrounded by neurodivergent people but they forget to respond to my texts, which triggers my RSD...it's not a great cycle.

[@elyaequestus1409]

Yesterday I experienced rejection sensitivy disorder by... A fucking bicycle pump. It hit the point when the pump (of my dad) didnt remain in place, threw it on the ground out of frustration And then it F'cking broke. Yeh. And my parents would come back in several hours. So. I went to the bike store (15 minute walk), showed the pump while I was in tears and he was like 'well, that is absolutely not worth crying about. Here is a new one. OH! And I have something else for you!' and this legend gave me in a transfer piece for the regular bicycle pump. I called my dad, explained the situation, told him I had a new pump for him because a piece actually blew off (which also happened before i slammed it on the ground) and that I got a tranfer piece. Then, I tried the transfer piece and low and behold: it worked. It actually fucking worked and now I can pump my tire. So while basking in this moment of victory, I also now better understand where it comes from. I am autistic and I havent been properly supported as a child. This meant that I faced a lot of judgement and rejection for not understanding how basic steps worked. Especially my father is very good with thinking with tools. He has a gift for being a mechanic and I do not have the same vision/dexterity as he has. My mom struggles a lot with safe connections and boundaries because she comes of a family of narcs and has been sexually abused by family members. So while I wasnt good at making myself liked because I was trying so hard to be understood that I was not able to understand others. And my parents werent able to safely teach boundaries, instead they would scream/lament/judge me for mistakes. I felt like I had no place _anywhere_ and every bit of rejection/incapability felt like proof of being too stupid and too incapble of belonging. Because that was the message my parents gave off. Now. Well. Cue this week I suppose. I applied for volunteering work and it turns out that this really, really cool guy actually volunteers at my library. I am talking 'a phd and 2 post docs on black holes' kind of cool. And somewhere along the lines I told/confessed that I had so much strife with like. Formulas. That I didnt understand them until very recently. At first he made a small joke about it (fair enough) and then he was like. 'But do you know how god awful people can explains things? Like, I was lucky that I had good teachers,' And that's when it clicked. Sometimes you are dealt a bad hand in life and it is up to you figure out tools with what works for you. The advice on 'mentally perparing to do the thing' was actually a good one. Mentally prep for rejection while also setting yourself up for success is something that helps. My idea of 'I am going to just pump my tire because dad showed it to me 3 months ago' is setting myself up for failure. It would have helped to sit down with myself and say "I am going to do something hard. I am gonna try 5 times and then I will find an alternative sollution' which would given me the space to find a fitting tool instead of 'this must work or else I am an irredeamable failure' is something that _might_ work, but will lead to far greater negative consequences if it doesnt.

[@marchymeow4584]

This is too relatable 💀

[@Andyyoureastar]

LMAOOOOO she invited you back to the kitchen😂😂😂 I’m hollering!!!! It’s actually a great reminder that you’d be amazed how many times people would say yes if you just ask

[@Punkrock.Chrysalis]

My big three are all air, gemini sun. aquarius moon and rising, and i think thats why i am indecisive as HELL. And i think that fuels my RSD SO BADLY! Its like crippling!

[@dukkiegamer1733]

Gonna say I'm sick for the reunion I'm going to this week. They're not bad people, they're just not at all my people. The only way I'm gonna have any fun is under the influence. Which is 100% gonna make me feel like shit the entire next day.

[@WynneL]

RSD just sounds like Avoidant Personality Disorder to me (where one avoids the possibility of rejection.) Might be something to look into.

[@ollieashton7744]

Thank you so much for making this video!

[@zoejay97]

this is so helpful, thank you so much 💜

[@pendafen7405]

Posting, commenting and blogging online is the only way I (late diagnosed with autism) can bear to socialise without crippling fear or shame. It's hard to even eat in front of others. Anyone else? It's especially unbearable as a female, because the expectation of women & girls is that we all innately know how and have endless energy to socialise confidently and well.

[@chloesmom7934]

I am unlovable. I’m learning to accept that , instead of dreaming for something that will never come true . Maybe my purpose is to give love , so that’s what I try to do everyday

[@devchekhov7512]

Don't be the giving tree where people just take from you until you have nothing left. With your mindset, when you do meet a romantic partner, you will he giving them control over you, let them determine your lovability. Learn how to love yourself--you are nobody's doormat, nobody's footstool

[@michaelneumann9706]

Well, i think you're great at this, and cute, and very much enjoyed your video 😊 keep it up!

[@forest7590]

3:23 I can relate so much!❤️

[@jimmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm]

As if i manifested this video. Nothing bad has happened yet, it's just i am scared of rejection even if he accepted me in a way already...

[@nojimmyprotested9371]

Lol the hand sneaking in at the beginning😂😂

[@msneill]

What can i do when the person i have spent my life for, tells me one morning after catching them using fake names to hide money tells me they have no feelings for me and i am nothing. Then she goes to work and comes home before we can even talk about out she says she is leaving myself and our two kids. Just out of no where. The last thing she said to our kids was, You were good kids. Am i wrong to think that was a swipe at my kids. This person is the only person i have known for 22 years. Lost my entire family. I dont know how to deal with this.

[@JB2X-Z]

13:00 I heard the fear, and I felt it :(

[@MissHummingbird]

Omg this me 150%...I have ADHD/anxiety/paranoia...clearly RSD Currently at my last straw and needing therapy on it. Any advice on not flipping during my first session....I always feel like I'm going to get judged even with a professional with ADHD education backround... should I write things down for first session?

[@hozic9929]

Oh golly g i relate with this a lot

[@thyjimmy5031]

Getting a 2:2 instead of a 2:1 at uni, I know it's not directly correlated to RSD but yeah

[@OnlineTherapistGroup]

Random question….what mic are you using??? The sound quality is great.

[@Sn0Le0prd]

Thank you

[@mauritsbol4806]

Well, it depends. Having had an ex, that claimed was she was unlovable, and i loved/love her still, it could be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Depends also what you define as unlovable. She vehemently denies that though so suppose she knows it best…

[@emilygong1924]

Where can I get that chair?

[@JuanFernandoCastroReyna-jn4te]

Yeah, i wish i had more friends and romamce, but ive always sucked at it

[@ArekkusuMiyazaki]

Man, I wish I had friends who accept me

[@Godfailedyoustophumpinghisleg]

If rejection is not offset with some kind of meaningful acceptance, the world is a bad place filled with bad people and no one cares and im tired. "Lazy, go to the gym more, touch grass" Oh the wisdom of not listening

[@sioframay]

When my husband was a child someone told him to just ask for things he wants and I'm always amazed the amount of times people tell him yes.

[@guard4617]

Obviously worked with you huh😭

[@ewm6219]

I can't even imagine doing this with my anxiety, good for him! What kind of things does he ask for- not in an attempt to be rude, I just want to know so I can do it as well.

[@pendafen7405]

Being a male in this society honestly never fails to astound me. Like they can just do that, demand what they want without having to give up or labour in return. And they don't even notice or acknowledge that they have that privilege. Must be nice.

[@cam5556]

@@pendafen7405in what world is that even remotely true lmao? Sure men have some privileges but “always getting your way” absolutely isn’t one of them, it is almost exactly the opposite of that actually.

[@pendafen7405]

@@cam5556 this is either incel or NLOG thinking, and I do not engage with it, sorry. Blessings🙏

[@StarryDust718]

becoming a cashier did more for my anxiety n rsd than anything. in high school, i would literally cry if i had to ask to be part of a group bc it wasnt assigned or i didnt have a friend in the class, and had a panic attack after going into the nurses office and being looked at by 3 students in there. now, after switching to a new store and new department and working there for just a year, i have a friend group that is about 7-10 people big, get along with almost everyone in my department, have multiple regulars i chat with, and generally feel very little social anxiety. im still working on my generalized anxiety, time management, etc, but im managing my symptoms way better than i was 3-5 years ago

[@Religion0]

That's amazing! I'd have a nervous breakdown daily and never talk to anyone if I was a cashier.

[@dennisdb6400]

Yeah haha It definitely helps to get out of the comfort zone and move the boundary I haven been a door to door salesman for charity. You learn to handle rejection really quickly like this 😂 and also helps asking random people for something, you quickly realise people will quite gladly help you if you ask nicely

[@natalies7485]

Dang, you must work in a chill store! I used to be a cashier and never want to have a customer service type job again. xD The good regulars were nice, for sure. But the uncalled for negativity from others was awful. It sucks when there's so many nice people you can interact with in a day, but a single interaction can just spike stress and ruin it all.

[@alexterieur8813]

congrats !!!

[@chilli_bean_23]

Well done! That’s great for you. “The further you move out from your comfort island, the bigger your comfort island becomes.’ 🙏

[@scottish_rachelle]

Wow, literally just confessed to my friends that I have a severe problem with emotional rejection (both in friendly and romantic situations) and it’s like you heard me. This video is exactly what I need, can’t wait to see it. Thank you❤️

[@alterego157]

Google heard you 😁

[@LadyRenira]

I have *almost* no problem being rejected or thought about negatively by random strangers, but insert a friend, family, or coworker into that position and the RSD comes on so dang strong that I will go insane bending over backwards and spending all my time to make sure that I won't be left out or thought of negatively (which ironically often causes those problems because the emotions ramp up so strongly when I feel the slightest bit of rejection). The FOMO is strong with this one.

[@kylie92345]

Yesss same :)

[@ivy5645]

Well im doomed , i felt this both in strangers and MORE STRONGLY in my close relationships. Welp, OMG! Though i as well did spend my time bending backwards esp my friends that eventually left me out every goddamn time. Ive managed to silently cut them off now. I have no raging or emotional lashes . Just silent cut. I hope i will find my people some day. :)

[@gunnasintern]

i’m fine being chill and open around strangers and friends, but once family gets involved i immediately get intimidated and feel off for the rest of the day

[@MONEYM723]

omggggggggg sameeee! i hate how it always goes haywire with those close to me and I could give a f**k less about strangers/random people lol

[@MONEYM723]

im glad im not alone in this@@gunnasintern

[@turntablez504]

I think I just experienced second-hand RSD watching you at the restaurant. I was like "Nooo, what if you get rejected!?!? I dont want you to feel bad!!" Thank you so much for doing it and showing us. This is amazing.

[@Mamaofchaos2]

Ha ha same! 😅

[@springchild6681]

Me too. I even had to pause the video to brace myself😅

[@kenna8873]

@@springchild6681omg same! I almost clicked off😭

[@larad9180]

Same here, I’m not emotionally ready to watch that

[@alright__fine]

In the early days of dating my wife, I would blush noticeably if a cashier or server asked me a question that caught me off guard (I was diagnosed with ADHD a decade later). The only way I could explain it was that it was the feeling of being called on in class when you didn't know the answer. Ironically(?), my wife is deaf in one ear, so she's almost always in that situation, and yet she never reacts with embarrassment like I do. This concept and video really hits home exactly what's going on, and is really helpful, thank you!

[@ohgirlieplease]

This is the most debilitating aspect of my PTSD/Anxiety/AuDHD. I'm just stuck in a self-isolation loop. Thanks for the tips!

[@hanne4443]

I really experience RSD when I’m late. I think my natural adhd-brain would make me late way more often, but I’m almost never, because my RSD anxiety makes me be everywhere 30 minutes early, which somehow also makes me embarrassed and anxious. This video really hit home for me and exposure therapy sounds necessary and like a good solution but terrifying!

[@veronicasipe2017]

I used to always be very early for things, like I would leave a half hour before a class in college that took place in the building next door to my dorm, and sit outside the classroom on the floor. At some point I got kind of burnt out and had more trouble task-switching, and now I leave for things at the last minute. I basically traded that wasted time for anxiety about being caught, judged, charged late fees, etc. (and I'm not saying that was the wrong decision necessarily, but it is a trade). And if I try to be in-between, actually calculating the time it takes to get places, that's a LOT of mental energy and concentration for me. I'm just now starting to not get anxious about if my boss (who is the boss of like 100 people and probably doesn't even know my start time) will notice or care if I am 1-2 minutes late every few days through exposure.

[@w1ldw0nderer]

Yes same! I didn’t even think if it as RSD before but makes sense. Worse is when we’re late cause of my partner so I have no control over it.

[@justyourlocalrat_]

+

[@grocksauce7422]

So, I do too, but my adhd 100% makes me late anyway, soooo I just die everyday

[@powerpointnight3710]

I used to have heart palpitations and feel breathless to send mails to profs while applying for PhD positions. The actual rejection hurt less than the preceding thing. And then I would procrastinate and not even go near my laptop etc. And the most minor change in tone or expression would make me feel rejected. Explicit criticism is much better. And yes I have adhd

[@Chucanelli]

Just wanted to say…RSD sounds a lot like some things that can happen with insecure attachment. Having autism and/or ADHD (diagnosed or not) as a child can lead to insecure attachment, depending on how the parent interacts. The qualm I have here is with pathologizing feelings/behaviors that may be better explained as a psychological issue. People with complex trauma may be sensitive to rejection for reasons that aren’t pathological, and a trauma-informed therapist may be able to help. Commenting only in hopes that it will be helpful. I adore this creator. Just something I see a lot here on YT that never quite sat right. Edit to add: People with ASD and/or ADHD can develop strong reactions to rejection (real or imagined) because of what happens to us as children. It sets the tone for the rest of our lives (see Mary Main and John Bowlby). I think discussing RSD as if it comes in a vacuum, without addressing possible trauma-based origins, is missing a huge piece in the puzzle.

[@laurah2831]

Complex trauma is a pathology tho. In fact, it's considered a type of neuro-divergence. Albeit not the same thing as autism/ADHD.

[@Congiary]

I hear it often with trauma, but I haven't heard of RSD associated with autism/ADHD. So it's actually more helpful for me to see it separated from trauma. In my puzzle, it's a major piece, and I'm finally understanding why I wasn't making progress with my trauma-informed therapist. Instead, I've started to look for an ADHD specialist. Personally, and you are free to disagree with me, I have noticed that trauma symptoms are addressed more freely in a therapy setting. It's understood that trauma leads to all manner of behavioral quirks. That's why I went to a trauma therapist in the first place. It turns out that ADHD has significantly more symptoms than I was ever aware of - RSD being one of them.

[@audhdcreativity5899]

I didn't know I was Autistic with ADHD until my mid-40's and was dx'd with both at 50, along with my child, who is 10. I knew about me from seeing Autism and ADHD in her. We both have super painful RSD. Both have felt this way since birth, the only difference being my daughter knows she is neurodivergent and I didn't. I had so many real, actual rejections by my young adult life that the perceived rejections just got worse and worse, so I know complex trauma is a piece of this for me, and adds a lot of anxiety to already anxious interactions. I think both co-occur and I have a hard time separating them, except when I remember back to the searing, painful (often my own perception of my ND parents who also struggled not knowing, but basically every interaction I had intense anxiety) rejections of my early childhood. Edit to add: currently living in intentional community and dealing with constant panic and people avoiding- I don't have any safe place or people- I plan to send this video to one of the ladies here, who seems to relate, because it is explained so well and I have RSD just thinking about saying these things (plus major imposter syndrome) ♡ sending support to all those who need it!

[@ranc1977]

​@@laurah2831 "Complex trauma is a pathology tho" No it is not. Being abused is not pathology. Horrible victim blaming here. The state of toxic society that we live in. "If only she did not walk in short skirt, she would not be assaulted" Abuser- centered society. Everyone blames the target of abuse, and nobody is fingerpointing to psychopaths and sociopaths due to fear of being attacked - so it is easier to kick the wounded hapless dog on the ground. Pathology is serial killer who enjoys destroying others. That is pathology.

[@stackels97]

Add to that, that many of us have parents with undiagnosed neurodiversity who probably didn't meet our attachment needs because they either weren't aware of those needs or they were traumatised and just trying to get by themselves. Viscous circle it is.

[@briarwoodimp]

At first, I was thinking I don't really have this symptom...until about half way through. The fear of looking dumb, not correcting people so they don't feel awkward or wrong; as that started sinking in, I realized this is sometimes my entire day. Because it's preemptive, I never realized this is what the term meant or that it was a thing and not just a character flaw (like, how vain to think everybody even notices you, blah, blah, blah). At least now I can quit asking myself why I think/worry this way. Oh, and maybe neutralize it. Thanks.

[@endlessnameless6494]

I moved to a big southern city (Tampa) after living in a small town my entire life. I didn't drive (still don't), and had a really big fear of looking stupid because of this. I was a college student, and doing well...but taking the bus to campus, etc. Anyways, around 20, I eventually got "over it". And was able to date a bunch of people and have a cool life. Folks were pretty understanding. Also realizing I am not "dumb" for not knowing how to drive. Or not knowing many things, no one knows "everything". Was also in a band, so that helped (they sort of had to drive me around, because I was the guitar player). Anyways, I totally get what you mean. I still struggle with it, too.

[@CondredgeDole]

oh man, I find RSD crippling at times. It gets me the worst in my work - I'm so afraid my client won't be happy with what I make for them that I obsess over tiny little imperfections which causes my timelines to go to hell and then I have to rush in the end. I also have a really hard time when I don't reply to someone fast enough, and then I get all in my head and put off replying which makes it even worse... Thanks for this video - I really love your informal/authentic/humorous style

[@sorapokeball]

I literally waited until I was 33 to get my adhd etc diagnosed, because I was so anxious that a psychiatrist was just going to tell me that I was just lazy, like everyone else in my life. Another example of RSD, during a really stressful part of my life, I was at a restaurant with my friend. We were sharing a plate of mochi and I asked my friend not to eat a certain piece. He immediately popped it into his mouth, as a joke. I started crying. He hurriedly apologized and ordered another plate, just for me. I managed to calm myself down by the time the waiter came back. Except the waiter passed the plate right in front of my face before setting it down in front of my friend. I broke down, full on bawling in the middle of our favorite sushi joint.

[@Dreamlyte]

Same

[@ranc1977]

Sounds more like narcissism.

[@M_SC]

That’s partially confusing because the rejection is from the person not the thing so getting another plate of it wouldn’t help. The second thing i related to a lot though

[@ranc1977]

@@M_SC Yeah, I think people tend to use hypercognition and then quickly put label on anything that moves. When we learn about anxiety - everything will seem and appear anxious to us. When we learn about trauma - everything will be traumatizing suddenly. When we learn about rejection - everything will appear as rejection to us. The curse of knowledge and learning is that we need to keep on learning in order to reduce by-product of knowledge: hypercognition. Hypercognition leads to misdiagnosis and new layers of mental health issues. In her case, it seems more like narcissism and borderline issue than actual rejection - being greedy about the food. Any person living in the developed country and has money to visit restaurants really does not need to worry about the food. Rejection would be if her friend put her down for being fat.

[@ranc1977]

@@PostalDude97 I think you are barking at a wrong tree. I am talking the same thing you are saying in your comment.

[@GrouchoMarx42]

Thanks for this. Considering I got anxious even thinking about leaving a comment, why not start right now with the exposure therapy? 😂

[@hayley.honeyman]

HELL YES!! So proud of you!

[@damongambuti]

me, being romantically rejected all times during high school, trying to suppress any and all feelings of infatuation with anyone (20 years old, relationshipless and single)

[@kellydemando3303]

Heyooo, I’m 24 and have never been in a relationship, but I know plenty of people who found true love in their 30’s and beyond. It’s probably more fun because you’re both more mature than when you were in your 20’s. Don’t despair, it’s okay to be patient. Just focus on healing yourself.

[@rockyduck9133]

I just had a complete meltdown at work yesterday. We did a gift exchange and the person who was supposed to bring mine forgot. I cried in my office all day. I came home and went to bed at 5:30. Today i still feel somewhat depressed.

[@kkellerz]

Holy fuck same thing happened to me at secret Santa. Joined a new company and the girl forgot to bring me a present. I teared up and then cried in the toilet 🥹😭 sending so much love

[@LizzieBelina]

My sister's boyfriend is autistic and we both feel like we hate each other for no reason because of this. My boyfriend is also a very neutral person AND OH MY GOD THE STRESS. I'm slowly getting better because of him. He reaffirms the opposite of what I think is going to happen so I'm basically slowly giving a logical percentage that bad things won't happen. It's still stressful though.

[@yy5907]

I truly struggle with having texts with my close friends. I feel so rejected whenever they text back late or they do not reply to my specific part of my questions or messages. It really does eat me out and I get confused when I actually have a good time with them face to face.

[@aislingilayne]

I don't necessarily have any funny stories around rejection sensitivity, but I can definitely relate to a lot of it. Massive changes in my teens between being angry at rejection and mean and the most fragile people pleaser on earth lol. Nowadays I wouldn't say I'm great with it but I try harder to deal with it. The hardest for me is with romantic partners and close friends. Neutral or negative reactions still make me spiral sometimes way out of proportions. Thanks Hayley for bringing this topic up and giving some actionable steps :)