ADHD After Dark: How to Improve Your Sex Life

[@alexialaurie7228]

Just got officially diagnosed yesterday! After four years of being ignored by literally everybody. Thank you so much for your videos, that were a huge part in helping my parents understand my daily struggles :)

[@HowtoADHD]

aww welcome to the tribe!! *hugs*

[@dreamchaser7177]

It's so hard being a girl with ADHD, I feel your pain. Welcome to the tribe, Jessica's videos are so helpful!

[@soul_asmr]

Alexia Laurie 🥺🥺🥺🥺 getting diagnosed was one of the greatest moments of my life. I am so so happy for you and wish you so much luck on the rest of your journey!!! If you start taking medicine just make sure to look up side effects and keep a close eye out for them. They’re not all bad!! But everyone reacts differently (esp if you have asthma etc)

[@soul_asmr]

Charity Edge for real 🥺

[@madalice5134]

Welcome to the tribe, fellow brain. If you're going to start medication, make sure to keep an eye on the side effects, especially loss of appetite, if you are going to be on adderall or ritalin. It's really easy to forget to eat at all when you have your appetite just vanish. I set reminders on my phone to eat because that's the only side effect that never went away. Best of luck to you.

[@janeldavis905]

My husband is the king of helping without parenting. If he sees that I'm off track he'll say something like, "This is a gentle reminder that you wanted to be working in the yard." Then he'll give me a kiss and walk away. It's perfect because it doesn't feel like criticism and it never makes me feel ashamed-- just understood and accepted ❤️

[@Pesso121]

You have a great husband

[@baggageatthedoor5463]

How sweeet!!!!!!! Love it!

[@mariastevens6406]

Thanks for this. I just entered into a relationship with someone who has ADHD and this has been a great tip.

[@janeldavis905]

@@watchaholic99 I'm so glad it helps! There can be such a thin line between statements that make us ADHDers feel supported and statements that make us feel ashamed! Our dear spouses must feel like tightrope walkers at times! LOL Good for you for communicating your needs, and good for him for adapting :D

[@PichuElric]

@Anna Bald Divorce him

[@elizaelle2929]

6:40 when you said “we feel like we don’t deserve to ask for things because who are we to ask for what we need when we’re not doing enough” that part really hit me.

[@gomolemokau3562]

Me too

[@ashiff7781]

Oh man....you never know where would you learn important lesson in life. I've just learned to teach my kids how "good-enough" they are and how much they deserve to ask for help.

[@camillegerhardt8990]

Same!

[@andymania13]

Yep. Felt that deep thread throughout my entire life

[@lu.ciel8770]

This hit

[@Macluny]

"THIS IS me trying." hit close to home. wanted to scream that to my ex but my guilt shut me up.

[@K3zz21]

I'm sorry 😢

[@Macluny]

@@K3zz21 meeh. the trick is to learn from all experiences, good or bad =)

[@hitsunakousaka9497]

IKR, and they make it worse by saying "Try harder"

[@pierowmania2775]

@@hitsunakousaka9497 They only say that because they don't truly understand how hard we do try. Unfortunately they can't see our internal efforts. If only they could...

[@hitsunakousaka9497]

@@pierowmania2775 ikr ;_;

[@TheSasquatch14]

“This is ME TRYING” is an echo that has resonated throughout my life. So often met by being told I’m not trying hard enough.

[@heatherm5405]

Same 😪

[@iqi616]

My teachers would have saved a lot of time by making an ink stamp: "Michael would do better in __________ if only he would apply himself"

[@samlafontaine8552]

Peoples high expectations are usually to blame, because apparently everyone has the exact same brain? Pfft! I don’t think we’re ever the problem tbh :/

[@deanrichard1770]

iqi616 saaaaaame

[@ilikeglitterwhores]

Same. And constantly being accused of being lazy or told " you just need to work on time management" or " you just need to apply yourself" etc.

[@JazMataz089]

When you cried I cried. I've always been told that I'm lazy or that I dont try hard enough..but im actually trying really hard.

[@charliedavis5787]

I was tearing up before that and when she she acknowledged her tears, I couldn't stop them. Definitely sending this video to my partner.

[@ilikeglitterwhores]

Same. It sucks.

[@stipser1]

I was close

[@SanchezS1998]

I think you did a great job at keeping it family friendly without censoring yourself to the point of irrelevance! Keep it up, Jessica!

[@HowtoADHD]

awwww thank you!!

[@zacharymccullough4625]

Took the word outta my mouth 👍

[@SethGoldstein]

@@HowtoADHD Yea this was a great episode!

[@axlgonzalez6652]

Agreed

[@avosmash2121]

You did so well

[@nathangrubb6945]

As my ADHD wife and I were watching this, she got up to start doing the dishes about 8 minutes through. About halfway through the dishes, she stopped and came back into the room dancing and humming like a cartoon character.

[@warriorqueen8285]

This is so me. Your wife is so beautiful I love her already

[@joshuagavaghan224]

Beautiful.

[@XeniasWorld]

This made me chuckle

[@dericflairmultiverse4952]

poetry in motion

[@sebastiannickel4377]

This made me happy. :)

[@lemonshark4961]

Honestly how do you get people to take you seriously when you tell them you have adhd? It always feels like an excuse when i explain why i cant do something.

[@izzynarnia3619]

Dude I feel the same way ://

[@sarazigova5873]

@Liina Ennusaar well its not as easy as u think

[@lujanr32]

"don't see it as an excuse, see it as an explanation"

[@terrynb1922]

Yes...I try not to wave the "ADHD Banner" all the time. Sometimes I just know when someone is not going to "get" me. They say they will - maybe genuinely will try - but take a look at their actions and their life...you can tell. "Nah...can't handle this."

[@MusicMAAD]

I feel the same. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't even explain myself but then everyone seems to think that I'm not doing enough.

[@warrenxanthos8241]

"ADHD doesn't create new problems, it just exacerbates the universal struggles" Wow, perfect. What a great way to explain that.

[@Mystik3eb]

God it's amazing to feel the release in my chest when I hear you saying the exact same things I think on a regular basis. "I messed up again, it's because I'm so awful, augh". It...hurts. The Inner Critic is a real nasty thing, something that comes about to anyone who experiences trauma as a child, not just us ADHD people who are simply MORE LIKELY to experience trauma since we're such spazs, and since cultural understanding of ADHD is still SOOOO BADDD.

[@familywilliams4058]

Yes, this, pretty much every video. I've known for a while now that I had ADHD, I was diagnosed at a military hospital when I was married to my first husband (I've now had TWO marriages fall apart and really wish I knew more about ADHD earlier in my life...). The problem is that when I moved back home, the military hospital never transferred my medical records, and my doctors here have been like "well, do you want me to give you any medication?" without really helping me find someone who could explain what ADHD actually was. I always said no to the meds, because I was in a stable career, and didn't think it interfered too much with my daily life (boy was I wrong). Taking the time to really learn about it these last few months has made a huge difference in my life, and I'm already doing much better then before, at least mentally. Though my house is currently a mess because I have returned to college and it seems I cannot do both chores and homework...(I am getting a's in both of my classes though.)

[@Mystik3eb]

​@@familywilliams4058 Sounds like you've had a lifetime of untreated ADHD like I did until last year. Sorry for your struggles. I've definitely had a hard time with friends and relationships, and I can trace most of these difficulties back to ADHD. Only learning I have it at 32 has been life-changing. I'm still slowly learning everything there is to know about the impact it makes on our lives and thoughts and emotions. Good luck with school! Let things be messy if that makes it easier for you, but also be open to recognizing if keeping things messy actually makes things worse for you by keeping you depressed or stressed about "all the work I've got to do to eventually clean all this up". Only you can know what works for you. Good luck!

[@dannymacgyver]

This is sooo much me as well

[@rupandita2683]

X2!!!!!

[@veryveryold]

It’s social debt. It’s “I need to do xy and z before any of my needs/desires should even be brought to the table”

[@mikegoodwin8650]

Story of my life.

[@andrewleavitt6548]

This hits hard. As someone who has recently been hearing a lot of financial advice about debt, this puts something I've always struggled with in terms I had never connected before. Thank you for this!

[@ashakaROCKY]

I don’t have ADHD but my husband was recently diagnosed with it and seeing this makes me realize how much I have pushed away from him in the past because I felt like he wasn’t trying enough... I am so glad I found your channel. Since my husband and son have been diagnosed I have been pouring over resources to better understand.. I want to be an advocate for sure. So happy I found your channel 😊❤️

[@TheInfintyithGoofball]

you're an amazing partner and parent! everyone deserves understanding but some people can't get over their prejudices and assumptions to see the fact the person infront of them is telling them the truth and that they have obstacles to what they want in their way.

[@michaelb41]

"This is me trying." That's beautiful.

[@rickforsythe5480]

"This is me trying" Whew, you hit the nail right on the head. This whole video was really really great. Thank you so much for all of your videos.

[@rolita12]

This is wonderful. I think ADHD in some adults is much worse when it comes to relationships, especially with a significant other or dating. It’s a pain to date when you know you suffer real rejection sensitive dysphoria.

[@SonsOfLorgar]

And when one is like me and is oblivious to whom, if anyone in a general company the flirting is directed doesn't make it easier to notice if someone is interested in me either...

[@AlfieAlpaca]

True! I went to counseling and she helped me so much with my self esteem and insecurities. Now that I'm in a relationship, those feelings are coming back, so I'm going to go back to her and talk to her about them. My ADHD makes having a romantic relationship a little harder to work for, but with help, I'm sure I can make my relationship fulfillment and long-lasting.

[@terrynb1922]

Agree! I'm not so much worried about the other person's feelings or me hurting them, it's more about me internalizing their feelings about the way I handle things in my life. I'm the one taking things personally!

[@izzynarnia3619]

4:07 I felt that so much!! Like I'm crying tooo. ADHD is so hard and nobody sees us struggle. Everybody says it's full if excuses or its fake. It's not fake. Its not a fake disorder. Its friggen real and its horrible. It's so hard to live with.

[@ShirtlessSimonCowell]

Lol Jessica saying her place looked like a mess went off but "this is me trying" basically is a summary of my place 90% of the time. I'll be doing multiple loads of laundry, trying to sort papers, do dishes, cook and put stuff up, etc. It'll be over a few days or so, but I won't finish something before starting more so everything is out at once. It's because if stuff is out of sight, it might not get done and I keep telling myself I'll have it all done way sooner than I ever get it done.

[@gracealice9176]

Rebecca A. WOW I really relate to this!!! Keeping things that I have to get done/things in general in places where I can see them is really important for me because often if they get put away I forget them. This is tough for people who live with me and don’t want to deal with my stuff/clutter being out all the time 😅😅

[@ShirtlessSimonCowell]

@@gracealice9176 The stuggle is too real. In case it helps I'll share some of what I try to minimize that. Sometimes I find that having something in sight but a little put together more neatly helps with the look of clutter. Like I might put my clean clothes in a laundry bag and put that laundry bag in my clothes basket so there's not clothes just spread out everywhere. Or I might stack papers I need to organize by switching between them being landscape or portrait for each set I have semi organized (That's helpful when I have a group of things that are related so I'm not just undoing my progress and mixing up school stuff with medical stuff and bills, etc. If nothing is organized or I don't know what to do with something in that moment, I tried making an "action" folder to keep up with. But that didn't work long for me. ) That makes it easier to get back to something without having everything everywhere. But honestly, I'll still have things spread out like 20-80% done most of the time since I'm soooo sure that I'll get to it so soon that it's not even worth putting away to pull back out again. I need to work on that 😅

[@SonsOfLorgar]

Another potential aid could be to have a wall mounted tool rack for common house hold tools (scissors, measuring tape etc.) in each room so that you can stow them in their places without going to another room and keep them visibly accessible at all times without cluttering the tables or other furniture.

[@ShirtlessSimonCowell]

@@SonsOfLorgar I sort of do that with some things. Like scissors are in my kitchen, office and bedroom. But I'm in a smallish 2 bedroom apartment so I don't need to go far looking for things and there's not much room for duplicates of stuff. But overall, I think organizing things by functionality is so valuable and much better than what's pretty or some complex system that I'll end up abandoning. Having the stuff you use all the time readily available wherever you're likely to use them is super fantastic.

[@pierowmania2775]

I totally relate to the "Out of Sight, Out of Mind" syndrome! It's my biggest issue.

[@jfilm7466]

Your channel is the only channel I don't watch at 2X Speed. You have perfect timing and intonation, so you really are a pleasure to listen to. I'm ADHD and Spergers.

[@korichamberlain]

I was just thinking this! I was watching planner videos earlier that were at 1.5x. When I started one of her videos I double checked the settings because I thought it was still sped up, lol.

[@adhdoers8814]

Oooh and just wanted to add this, For those of you who aren’t in a relationship yet, here is a reaaaally good tip: it’s really important for you to qualify the person you intend to be with in terms of THEIR ABILITY to not take things personally. Trust me, this will save you from A LOT of headaches. Otherwise, GREAT VIDEO as always

[@mintbrownieangelfish-6114]

Thanks! I'm 17 and I go to a small school, so I haven't dated hardly at all. That's a good tip to keep in mind!

[@SonsOfLorgar]

Also, clear and proactive communication. At least for me, I am completely oblivious to the difference between a general flirty atmosphere and specific, interested flirting directed at me. I usually don't catch the directed cues as soon as there's more than two people including me in a room.

[@adhdoers8814]

Angelisa Craig yes it is indeed! I am now in a 3-4years old relationship and I have taken this into account before we got together. It has been so helpful especially that for the past 8 months, because I’ve been building my brand around ADHD and making youtube videos, all I get from my partner is support when I’m hyperfocused instead of the classic « you’re not thinking/caring about me » because she does know I care so much about her and doesn’t need constant attention for it. Although before the 20s it’s hard to find someone like this, as even me I was someone who took things personally xD

[@maddieek6865]

Literally never thought of this/ never understood why things were taken personally. But this is a good point and now I know for the future LOL. (Possible brain here, gonna see soon ;D)

[@mintbrownieangelfish-6114]

@@maddieek6865 Ooh good luck!

[@jenniferhiggins6317]

Oh Jessica.... it's ok to cry. You are so brave!

[@Melissa-dd7ys]

The bit on co-dependency hits the nail on the head. Both my husband and I have ADHD and he is an alcoholic. I was a depressed, codependent wife for years. Last winter, I had started divorce proceedings. He attempted suicide and ended up in a psych unit at the hospital for a week. Afterward, he went through their chemical dependency program which got him focused. He found AA and he encouraged me to go to Al-anon. He is now one week away from six months of sobriety. (I stopped the divorce before it went through.) I am so proud of him. I am also proud of myself. Through Al-anon I have found a voice to speak up for myself. Our dynamic has totally changed. We have a much healthier relationship with more open communication. I, no longer, find myself walking on eggshells around him.

[@HowtoADHD]

What a beautiful story, thank you for sharing!! So full of hope ☺️ I wish you and your husband the absolute best

[@Melissa-dd7ys]

@@HowtoADHD Thank you! We are hopeful for our future. I had been putting having kids off, but I finally feel we are stable enough mentally and emotionally. And I will be 35 next month. I don't want us to lose our chance of being parents.

[@bladegriggs4090]

How are y'all doing now? @Melissa-dd7s

[@SodaSpeakNow]

I love how you make a taboo topic feel not so taboo! I love the part where you talk about the effort. I totally started getting emotional because I could relate. Once my husband understood how much I am trying and even though I’m not up to his standards of tidiness it helped our relationship so much! Thank you 😊

[@dreamchaser7177]

Yes! This! I cried too because I felt that so much!

[@gringogreen4719]

Love your pic! Don't feel too bad, most women I have dated are nowhere near my standards of cleanliness. Two things, first I take ownership that its my standards and not theirs. Second, I just turn my brain off and next step...next step...next step...until whatever it is, is finished. That way things get done and arguements are minimalized. I'm the opposite of Jessica, maintaining a managed/cleaned space helps me deal with mental clutter. I just do the Yoda school of philosophy.😉

[@anarchotrash1942]

ADHD and anxiety (esp. social)? Anxiety is one of the most common comorbid disorders in brains - maybe a bit on how it overlaps and how to cope?

[@livinginfictions]

I agree, I'd love a video on this. The comorbidity of ADHD and Anxiety and Depression makes life really hard. I've personally found that using bullet journal type things helps a lot, because when i get anxious about my memory, I have a physical place to return to where all my thoughts and plans are laid out. It helps keep me on track without being so scared of forgetting something.

[@georgeg.6841]

Often Asperger's syndrome is misdiagnosed as ADHD. Some people even have both at the same time. Check if your social anxiety is caused due to Asperger's syndrome first..then look in other places

[@basilo9923]

my medication helps with this a lot but a vid on it would still be great tbh

[@Yamikaiba123]

I'm frustrated that people mistake my hyperactivity for anxiety. I think women are turned off by my high energy.

[@georgplaz]

@@Yamikaiba123 then you haven't found the right partner yet. it will feel every bit more beautiful once you do :o)

[@georgeb.wolffsohn30]

WOW ! When you wiped away the tears I absolutely lost it and cried in sympathy for the hurt . I'm going to steal that phrase too.. "This IS me trying". Thanks.👍❤️👍

[@lilahe5287]

This was really, really useful. I appreciated seeing the partner's perspective - the non-ADHD partner. Please, please make more videos on navigating relationships with ADHD. We are really struggling ♥️♥️♥️

[@noortjetolhuijs]

How is sex not family friendly? It creates children! Great video! I love how you remind us what you were talking about on the bottom of the screen. Really helpful for us brains ;)

[@LittleLizardAudio]

dang, you right though xD

[@LittleLizardAudio]

also, i JUST noticed that little reminder L O L! it is very helpful! thank you for pointing that out for me!

[@xenmaifirebringer552]

Sweet home Alabama...

[@Retro255]

Um... er ok

[@doro0831]

When you started crying my heart broke!

[@jankoszuta9835]

Me too

[@dakotapeters5654]

Made me get emotional 😢 same time she started tearing up. Can't stand seeing someone else sad. I'm very empathic.

[@troygreen7990]

I am putting in so much effort. It feels like I do most of the house chores now as opposed to before where I was lazy and undiagnosed. Getting it on once or twice a year is not enough! I am tired of being ignored. This episode has helped me understand the seriousness of my situation more than my friends and councilors. Thank you.

[@CatalogK9]

Made me think of how my previous marriage crashed and burned because my ex was a narcissist with no empathy for me; even if I'd known I had ADHD back then, he would've either dismissed it or used it as another weapon against me to undermine any last shred of self-confidence I had left. The key thing to look for in a partner IME is that empathy that was so lacking before: when they can see you struggling and they actually care about what you're going through and not only how it affects them, it can make all the difference between finding solutions together or building insurmountable walls of resentment.

[@marjannikolic2224]

I had same situation.

[@nikkidickinson5918]

Completely. I, too, was in a similar situation to you and agree how it would have played out. I'll be looking for bucket loads of empathy in any new partner!

[@ryancier]

4:20 Yeah, I'm cryin' right there with ya D: I often struggle too with this sense of unacknowledged effort.

[@stingman777]

I'm not currently in a relationship or sexually active, but I still got a bunch from this for myself and for being prepared for a relationship. This was SO helpful beyond "just" sex. Thank you!

[@jeremymiller3144]

THIS IS ME TRYING!!! I normally repeat this in my head all day long.

[@xXKenzieGurlXx]

wow...no clue how needed this was, no one talks about this but adhd effects l i t e r a l l y every aspect of your life. thank you for doing what you do

[@christophermoore8937]

It's like this video appeared at the right time. My wife has the inattentive form of ADHD and everything that was talked about in this video was spot on. This channel is a GREAT resource for those of us with ADHD spouses (and kids as well; we have 2 who are currently being tested). It has helped me in particular to gain some valuable insight into what my wife has been and is still going through, as well as how to deal with her and our relationship moving forward. Thanks for the time you put into these videos. If possible, a video detailing how an individual with a spouse and kids who have ADHD deals with this scenario would be great! Thanks again for all you do.

[@Thinking-OutLoud]

“this is me trying” is something I use all the time BUT NO ONE BELIEVES ME

[@andycocking10]

We ADHD-ers believe you. You can do it!

[@TheInfintyithGoofball]

find people who will believe and leave everyone else because they're not worth your time. I don't mean to be harsh but it took me far too long to rip that Band-Aid off myself so I AIN'T WASTIN' NO TIME!

[@michaelroberts2453]

Could you possibly tackle anything about overcoming addiction with ADHD?

[@xRockLobster75x]

Good suggestion, I would find this interesting and helpful.

[@ResortDog]

Impulsiveness is your enemy. Make sure you have a "downer" and an "upper" and "hate for 'it'" (whatever is getting your goat) in your mental tool box. A bigger hammer for me has always been the FIRST addictions: Music (Mothers Voice) & Sugar (Mothers Milk). Its no accident us squirrel people have a "stuck in the highway" reaction to the sheer decisions of modern life. Its stacked against our desires. Dodging the tires makes me feel alive & in the now, even if the consequences are permanent. Medicated not dedicated only works until a bored/evil psychopathic person comes along to ruin your life for entertainment. The tire usually gets them. Rejoice.

[@PeachPlastic]

This is not my personal experience, but a few other members of an ADHD therapy group I attended had past addictions and reported that getting diagnosed was a key element. There's a reason addiction is labelled "self-medication" - you're subconsciously trying to control/rebalance your off-kilter mind with some substance. Some gravitate more towards uppers, some to downers, some circulate. I had a strong pull towards sugar, caffeine, and even 'used' sleep deprivation or the hangover that follows hyperfocus. I dislike being high but kept returning to weed because my mind was just so damn loud and full all the time. - For some of those people I met, getting the right medication was enough to help them re-regulate and transition out of addiction, others had so find a host of other strategies that would produce similar effects, but in a healthy way. It's hard to say what those strategies will be for you, since everyone is so different. Maybe try to think into the direction of "skills" used to replace self-harm in other patient groups to get initial ideas. I wish you the best :)

[@monkemantan6789]

I need this

[@cortezfilms8511]

Your about to do a thing your addicted to then BAM a butterfly passes by and now your too distracted to do the thing. Problem solved.

[@joanstultz173]

BRILLIANT video!! I too got emotional about it. Because this is me trying! Is literally the story of my life. Too many times I let myself feel inadequate or unworthy for something I can not control. I have an excellent husband who is so patient, kind and caring and accepts me the way I am. Messiness and unorganized and all of it!! I just wish I could be more "normal" and do stuff and handle things like normal people do. I hate feeling like I'm always letting him down. However, I will keep trying to do better.

[@LancelotGraal]

"This is me trying" I've been saying that my whole life to everyone. Most people just don't believe me, but what is worse is people (including my partner!!) saying: "I don't care that you're trying, it's not enough!". How many times have I heard that? I am NEVER enough. For anyone. I mean, my parents have made HUGE efforts and they now understand me. But they are two of the only three people I know who think I am enough (the third is my old geography teacher, who's been my friend for many years now). It's so tiring to live in a world who constantly tells you, shouts at you, writes to you that you're not enough. Most people think I'm not trying and the ones who know I'm trying (my partner, my "friends") just think it's not enough.

[@AubreyKat]

This video addresses the fight i got into with my boyfriend last night. I'm actually scared to send this to him. Will update with his response.

[@Cronos804]

Just wait 24 h Linking to a video is not rarely seen as a passive aggressive response and you need to wait until the other person has some distance to the matter at hand. That is just good advise with adhd in general. When things get emotional or stressfull, just delay your answers by a healthy ammount of time.

[@poppop-oj6by]

@@Cronos804 That's good advice. Waiting saved me hundreds of times. It results in more nuanced communication and smarter behaviour making it easier to achieve what you want to achiece.

[@cjk705]

@@poppop-oj6by i agree like im not exactly on with the relationships but with friendships especially i always tend to wait after arguements for both sides to have time and chill so things are more clear and can be better ^-^

[@StoHelit7]

Just as a future thing well framing things as "this expresses what I was trying to say the other day much better than I did." Rather than "see!!! I'm Right!!" Which it can be tempting to do when you find something that backs up how you feel, especially if you've taken a long time to feel that validation. Hope it went well with your other half. X

[@RedisFun2]

@@StoHelit7 yes, yes! How it's said. I try to do that when I need to show my partner what I was trying to explain. The statement "this is what I was trying to say but couldn't"

[@foxfx8340]

I just meditate or exercise- dealing with stress beforehand is the best thing you can do and it's a lot easier to enjoy yourself- this goes for many things in general.

[@nicholasbrilla4443]

I just started my treatment today and I found your channel by accident. I started crying almost exactly when you did when you were discussing "effort" - Looking forward to learning with and from you!

[@mariog7213]

It surprises me how I keep starting your videos with a lot of skepticism only to time and time again feel understood for the first time.

[@EmBotBeepBeep]

THANK YOU FOR THIS!! This is a problem I've had to deal with a lot, and am currently still struggling with but has started getting better... and I've realized it's because my partner already does all the things recommended in this video! I want to share this with him as a way to say "thank you" for how supportive and understanding he's been by showing him that he's doing everything right. One thing I had hoped would get touched on in this video but I totally understand why it wouldn't is... how ADHD effects the actual sex! Hopefully what I'm about to share helps somebody else or provides a sense of comradery at least- I'll try to keep this as family friendly as possible, too. Essentially, my brain hops around so much during intimate moments with my partner that I sometimes struggle with staying in the moment or, worse, I'll have a really difficult time reaching my "end goal." It seems obvious now, but even after diagnosis, I didn't realize for SO LONG that this was a symptom of my ADHD because sometimes I honestly don't realize just how distracted I actually am! Despite being FULLY INTERESTED in my partner, if I'm being bombarded by too many distracting thoughts, my interest in the moment starts to wane because I start getting frustrated and just can't focus. Most of my life, I've felt "broken" because things with me and a partner would start hot and heavy but more often than not, would end with me still not being totally satisfied but pretending I was to preserve the other person's feelings. They often thought that THEY were doing something wrong or that I just wasn't that into them, and that guilt only made me feel worse about myself. The solution is... basically everything you guys talked about in this video, but applying it directly to the act itself! Being able to communicate with my partner helps SO MUCH. He understands not to take it personally if I want to try something slightly different, or if suggest the use of an aid, or if I just need to take a break. When we take a break, we'll cuddle under the covers and just enjoy each other's company, I might have a little water, and we'll work our way back into it. It's great! If you struggle in the same way I do, and have trouble giving guidance or speaking up about what you need during sex (which is a very common problem), sit down with your partner before the next time things start steaming up. Explain what hoops your brain has to jump through just to stay on track no matter how good of a time you're having. If that makes them feel insecure, reassure them that you're having this conversation with them BECAUSE you have a great time with them and you don't want to risk losing that. Working vocal cues into sex and suggesting "new" things can be intimidating, but if your partner takes your ADHD and your needs seriously, it'll feel a little awkward at first but it's totally worth it! Plus, they'll find themselves more empowered to speak up, so they'll be more likely to be open with you if there's anything they struggle with or anything they're interested in doing differently.

[@andreazumpano8006]

I cant even tell you how incredibly insightful this video has been to me. I was diagnosed ADHD at 38 yrs old. I’m now 55 and have been divorced 3 times. I now see the patterns you described and they are spot on! Thank you, Jessica, from the bottom of my heart! You are a treasure! God bless you!

[@curiousnerdkitteh]

Wow. This was groundbreaking for me - I found myself getting emotional at the same point as Jessica - the realisation that neurotypical brains can actually appreciate it when they realise we are trying. I've been in so many toxic environments where I've felt I have to mask being ADHD and how hard things are (and also only got a diagnosis a year ago so before that it was always masking without realising why I couldn't match up to other people despite making so much effort and being told I was not trying at all) and I never realised that there are neurotypical people who could actually be supportive of that once they understand it. I'm just so used to the ableist society we live in and just feeling like I'm never good enough and disappoint everybody around me.

[@Drewchinnick68]

The non adhd partner always feeling frustrated and the adhd partner having that “here we go again, I didn’t do the things that I was supposed to do”.. that really hits home for me. My partner and I have had many struggles over the years and she is forever and always frustrated and feels like she can’t rely on me no matter how much I try and be conscious of her needs.. I just can’t bloody help myself and forever feel like I’m not good enough.. I’ve been diagnosed with adhd-c and yet to be treated as it’s expensive and there’s a couple months wait time at the moment by the time I can pre-pay for it so I’m holding hope that once I’ve started treatment things can improve in our relationship. Thank you How to ADHD ❤

[@monicahobbs499]

I was diagnosed about 6 months ago and it’s been emotional discovering your page today. Did not think the ADHD after dark video would hit me as hard as it did but the common threads are everywhere aren’t they? Thanks for this channel, I think I’ll stick around ❣️

[@erdub84]

JESSICA AND COMPANY: EVERY. SINGLE. VIDEO. I WATCH. HELPS ME. SO MUCH. THANK YOU FOR THIS.

[@kasiaring]

When you said 'this is me trying' I just burst into tears. This is how I've been feeling for years. Everything you described in this video is exactly what I've been feeling in my relationship. I've not been diagnosed with adhd yet. I only recently realised I might have it, and so far every single one of your videos I've watched has been so relatable. Thank you.

[@LightTribe88]

I started taking medication regularly about 9 months ago. You are making realize that I, nor my family, nor my past partners had any clue just how serious and impactful this has been to me. 38 years I have struggled. And the person who convinced me to take meds is a new partner who instinctively knew to do many of the things mentioned here. Thank you for what you are doing. I get emotional pretty much every time you do, for what I imagine is the same reason.

[@Marslo]

Happy some one has touched on the subject. My sexuality has always been something I've struggled with and I never made the connection till I got diagnosed.

[@stephw6046]

Awww! Making me tear up. ❤️ I love my Brain and I know she tries so hard in all aspects of our lives. We both do. Xxooxx

[@Andrea-gp1xn]

7:45 This is usually me feeling that way towards my non-adhd partner. But, mostly because we both have trauma related to cleaning and whatnot and I have SUCH a hard time keeping up with it.

[@todd8806]

Asking for help and being told "you're an adult, you should be able to do it yourself", is crushing.

[@Tob1Kadach1]

100%

[@nip917]

Thank you so much for this. Was just diagnosed at 40 and these fights are the same fights me and my wife have had for 20 years. We literally went through this last night. I love the idea of using my strengths and asking for help where I struggle. She always says "not everything is black and white." To me it is. She can scream at me for an hour and all I heard "was you need to help do the dishes." So frustrating to both of us. But with each day is a chance to make things better. Thank you again.

[@laurenalise3488]

Wow… I relate so much to your channel. I was recently diagnosed with OCD, but kept saying that there a apart of me that knows this isn’t it. I was able to effectively manage the OCD, but there was more going on. My therapist just brought up ADD/ADHD to me, and am reading “Driven to Distraction,” this plus your channel have opened my eyes. I’ve gotten so emotional because this is ME, I just would have never thought it was this.

[@MrProbeNWatch]

Ive be diagnosed since 7, I didn't take my ADHD seriously until my first relationship ended earlier this year and I really thought how much this actually effects my life. And turns out it has more of an impact on my life then I thought. And now thanks to this channel and research, I plan on taking the steps to Improve my life slowly but surely

[@morganm4163]

I found a lot of help from the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, so if y’all are looking for help as a woman or someone in a relationship with a woman, I’d look at that. It’s great at picking apart things that women experience and a lot of them apply to ADHD.

[@sillyanna5623]

Thank you so much for doing this episode!! (Trigger Warning) I have ADHD (inattentive), Depression, Anxiety, and PTSD, and I feel like this video really helps me hone in on my PTSD symptoms. A few years ago, I was raped. When I tried out a new relationship and I was thinking maybe I could do this, at first it was okay. It become a struggle later though. I was constantly getting distracted during sex to the point that I would freeze and not be able to anything. Thankfully, my boyfriend (who also has ADHD) knows me incredibly well when my PTSD hits, and he's willing enough to take himself out of the equation to help me. I hate myself when this happens, and this spiral makes me feel worse about my sex life. I'm trying, but I always feel like it's not enough. Again, thank you for doing this episode and helping me get clarity about myself and how my mind works. +hugs+

[@Larandar]

I'm not an emotional person, but when you said "it's me trying" it hit me hard too...

[@0a4adxm8nd9]

Me during sex: this is fun, that’s a cool looking wallpaper ooohhhh look at that KZbin video imma do something else! *the struggle is real*

[@cashy4172]

#feelsbadman

[@Misc935]

Yep, that is the struggle for me as well. Also, getting distracted by my thoughts and then having to yammer at the wrong time is a struggle too :/

[@tpebbles]

@@cashy4172 find a healthy addiction/habitual routine, or meditate until you can sit still in the moment

[@TheInfintyithGoofball]

​@@tpebbles do you have ADHD? for the majority of us responding to that with "it is NOT the simple!" even then is an understatement.

[@olivia6102]

I really appreciate that you put what topics you're talking about on screen. Half way through I've already forgotten what the main point you're making and my mind goes elsewhere, it's helpful in bringing me back in. Thank you 😊

[@Casperski1312]

Ok so big question: Is it more common for us with ADHD to cry and be overly emotional? Ive seen a good chunk of your content so far and I always end up crying whenever you do! I haven't gotten far enough into my therapy to really understand why I get so emotional, but you seem to react similarly and now I'm wondering if ADHD plays a part in all of my intense feels.

[@EmilynWood]

Not sure about emotions in general, but rejection sensitivity dysphoria is a huge part of ADHD not often discussed--we tend to get very overwhelmed emotionally by rejection and we tend to be more sensitive to it.

[@darciaglaucerica]

this comment is from a year ago so you might have seen the video this channel has on the topic but the answer is yes! emotional dysregulation has been linked to ADHD in a very strong way!

[@Casperski1312]

@@darciaglaucerica I missed that video, but I appreciate you coming to tell me about it! Thanks friend!

[@andrean733]

emotional dysregulation is a big part of adhd

[@CharliMorganMusic]

No, you probably have different diagnosis that you'll discover. If you're at teen or young adult and your emotions are intense and very difficult to control, I'd put my money on borderline personality disorder.

[@deliriumzer0]

So my husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, but he never had any real treatment for it - he just knew what he was dealing with so he came up with coping mechanisms for himself that worked for him, so as an adult he's basically the "non-ADHD partner" as far as this scenario is concerned (he has his bad days, of course, but he's the more functional one between us by far). As such, I cannot BEGIN to tell you how helpful this video was. There are no words for how grateful I am that you took the sorta-kinda-risk making this video, it illuminated SO many things I hadn't thought of that I fully intend to bring up to my husband and my therapist. I'm also definitely going to check out Ari's book. I am so excited to see how things develop in the future. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[@Jess-pr1xf]

"...and so you start to feel like your effort doesn't matter and that's when you give up..."😶 This is how I feel all the time, with everything not just relationships. Your shows help; just by saying the words I don't have, and willing to be vulnerable and show your own struggles.

[@captngen]

i'm really grateful you kept the shot of you tearing up. i always feel like a massive crybaby having tears in my eyes when being softly confronted or lightly discussing something sensitive or when it hits too close to home. it's such a heartfelt and relatable thing to see, you made me realize it's a super normal reaction

[@freddie_nyx2676]

Thank you so much for being so open and raw. This channel has made me realize how many things are related to my ADHD instead of all these other "diagnosed" issues. I just recently learned the terms "Executive dysfunction" and "Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria." I joined an FB group for ADHD and it's what led me to your page. I couldn't be more grateful for what you do.

[@mandyblevins2607]

I have been recently diagnosed after 37 years. After my diagnosis, I sought out your videos. Your videos, my diagnosis, and my medication have opened up an entire window for me. I love you so much girl. You give me these little gifts that I need just when I need them. I see your beautiful emotion in this video, and was doing the same. I dont feel alone anymore and I dont feel like I am living with blinders. I cant Express how much you inspire me. I want to be a part of something like you are doing now. I think there is so much more advocating in my state. So, before I ADD and ramble, just thank you. I appreciate the work you have done!

[@CordyBrush]

I recently got diagnosed with ADD, and I Sooo relate to the "this is me trying" part. I have been trying to do my laundry for 3 months now, but the new apartment I live in has some weird laundry coins required to use the washing machine, and to get those I need to put cash (whoever has that anymore?) in an envelope and put it in the landlord's postbox. Otherwise I could just take all my laundry to school and do it for free, but that makes me risking hitting a day when someone else is using that washing room. I am really trying! Trying to find a solution that wouldn't bother someone else.

[@mariachristina97]

That sounds like a lot of steps, so I totally get where you'recoming from. But also not having clean clothes must also be super stressful, whether you are buying clothes to make up for it (costly and wasteful) or handwashing them (takes a lot of time). For me, it can take even longer to get ready if I don't have clean outfits that I love.

[@lostboycmd]

Maybe talk to your landlord and see if you can get a bunch of laundry tokens at once

[@sc_arriola382]

I have the same issue with my partner he always does the laundry... I'm American and we live in China... The water level is in liters so u change the water according to how many liters of water u need for the amount of clothes u put in. Yeah I could research how many liters equals a gallon but it's the kind of avoidant ADHD behavior that kept me from helping him with the laundry for so long.

[@SonsOfLorgar]

@@sc_arriola382 I'd suggest finding and printing a conversion chart on a plastic sheet as a quick ref. sheet with all the metric conversions you need, and attatch it to the laundry bag/basket you use to carry the laundry to the laundry room.

[@SonsOfLorgar]

TastyBrush, With an archaic and unreliable system like that, I'd try to save up to get my own washing machine...

[@Sereno44]

These tips and counseling, I think applies for all couples and not only for us, as you call us, brains. It breaks my heart seeing your beautiful face crying since I saw your TEDx Talk.

[@erikolsen148]

In my head, I can give you heartfelt gratitude, but when I actually try to put it into words, I stumble. Soooo... thank you. That covers most of the things I want to say.

[@CharliMorganMusic]

"This is me trying." I'm crying, too.

[@SiraSpirit]

This was a great episode. You handled the topic in a way that felt really easy to understand and not embarrassing or...idk, inappropriate. Thank you!

[@CReZgoOlio]

I'm over 30 and finally got diagnosed a few months ago... And there are so many times I've been driven to tears by your videos simply hearing someone properly voice what I've felt for so long. Thank you so much. Maybe I won't die alone😂

[@tpebbles]

You're vulnerability inspires. I love your channel to this day, Thank You.

[@LilMissTay91]

I think the points made in this video relating to effort..... I really think just apply to soooo many elements of my life!!!

[@bogmossart]

Thank you Jessica - this video really resonated with me. My results don't always reflect just how hard I'm trying and it can be difficult to ask for more leeway when you already feel like you aren't meeting expectations. As much as I wish you didn't feel that way, it is nice to hear my own feelings echoed.

[@larendijacosmica]

Ufff When you said that We don't ask for things or put our needs first for feeling like We don't deserve it I cried... It's just exactly how i feel.

[@dreamchaser7177]

Thanks for doing this! I think this is probably the biggest thing I struggle with with ADHD. I just shared with my husband who is not ADHD. I love your channel!

[@johnfrench1441]

I love your videos, they really do hit home for me. "This is me trying", just hits home. I watch so many of your videos and there have been so many moments where I've been like, "its not just me?!" and "this is real!". Ive always thought i just wasnt trying hard enough and just failing. Thank you for you and your channel and helping me to not feel like a freak-ah-zoid or that there is something wrong with me. You try and you try your hardiest and most times it feels like its not enough. But, you and everyone here really help to validate how i feel and that I'm not alone and that these failures aren't my fault and you know the struggle. This is me trying and trying my best. And I'm not the only one kicking, hoping i can kick hard enough to turn this cream into butter. I am not wrong, i am me and because of you i can be proud of that and not feel isolated and alone in this. Thank you!

[@thiske0]

I have been diagnosed with ADD a couple of years ago, but I never know what is the consequence of having ADD and what is my own laziness. I don't ever want to blame my ADD because it feels like an excuse..

[@theoneandonlymeshe9174]

I came to the realization recently that laziness isn’t a real thing in most cases. The reason that people are “lazy” is rooted in executive dysfunction, mental blocks, or some mental health issue. For me, as someone with ADHD laziness has a lot to do with the lack of dopamine I would get from doing the task, taking out the garbage, etc... meds and the two minute rule help a lot. Also, positive reinforcement from my partner really help. If I can’t get into my hobbies it probably means I’m depressed and need to work on my self care.

[@-A-c]

My non-ADHD brother is probably more open minded than most people and it still takes a lot more than just saying "this IS me trying." to get him to understand. After years of frustration and yelling from both sides, I can confirm that Ari is spot on with recognizing and working through the internal guilt and codependent thinking (that's a DAILY battle for me). Only then was I able to begin speaking from a place of genuine honesty and point out where I could be treated better. But even then, it's still a challenge because I needed to work to heal the damage from the constant misunderstanding between us. In finally speaking out with real strategies verbally agreed upon by both sides we ACTUALLY started to live better together. Everyone's situation may be slightly different so dig deep about what might work and aim for genuine fairness. It ain't perfect. Adjustments need to be made from time to time as situations change. But after that first honest talk, I don't think I cried so much in my entire life out of relief in knowing that progress IS possible. And yes, he now recognizes that I AM trying.

[@kolbivandrew5518]

This is truly fantastic information, and I appreciate each and every one of your videos. Thank you!

[@alicetsui7172]

WOW. Wow wow wow. I can't believe how much I related to this video. I've never been formally diagnosed, but I've struggled with ADHD symptoms since early adolescence and am in the process of seeking out a psychiatrist for help. My partner does not have ADHD and is extremely clean about her space. I'm also clean, but in small bursts, because new habits are actually excruciatingly hard for me to form (it takes weeks of self-reminders AFTER i've already forgotten to do something), and her criticism of my cleanliness has been a little stressful at times. It makes me incredibly emotional because it reminds me of being constantly criticized by my parents. I'm constantly trying my best but I genuinely just can't focus and I forget little things sometimes, like clearing out the sink drain or wiping the counter after I'm done using it. I'm going to send her this video so we can watch and discuss together. You put it so perfectly. Thank you.

[@galli0]

Id love to see something about adhd and chronic illness / pain, being trapped in your head often while your body cant, and when you do surrender it wrecks you, how to balance mind and body

[@jeremymiller3144]

Great balance in this helpful video. Thank you all. Heartfelt 26 years and still working to improve our relationship everyday. Two serious health issues in a year makes life stressful. So health and well being is the top priority for us.

[@wildedibles819]

I recommend this as a great pg talk as long as parents have an open conversation ready if needed it was great not out of order at all... Keep up the great work the both of you great information shared

[@pencils7351]

I'm actually a teen watching this, and tho I don't plan on a relationship anytime soon, it's good advice. I'm trying to learn as much as I can about ADHD so I can better combat the challenges I'll face as an adult, plus this channel has made me feel like I belong when not much else has

[@wildedibles819]

@@pencils7351 me too I just got diagnosed as an adult but have a teenager with adhd... He was diagnosed young and I kinda had a hint I was and my mom and my uncle and couple cuzins lol... Family usually combat similar disabilities in some ways and not with others? I feel like I belong too... It's great to have you around

[@pencils7351]

@@wildedibles819 yeah, I've known I had it since I knew it existed. My mom was diagnosed as a kid but wasn't medicated bc her mom didn't trust what they had at the time so when she was rediagnosed a few years ago they tested me too. I have, at least, a great-uncle, great-aunt, second cousin, mom, stepdad, and little brother with ADHD and most of them are diagnosed. This isn't the only disorder that runs in the family but it's the only one I got, there's also depression, anxiety, and bipolar apparent in the family tree. I'm not medicated yet but I should be soon and hopefully that will help with my inability to get stuff done, sometimes it's hard cuz my parents can't understand that I don't have their coping skills and they might not work for me. I knew I wasn't the only one but that didn't change the fact that I felt alone in my struggles. I'm glad this great community is here to help me feel otherwise, even tho I just found it this summer, it's helped a lot. I wish I found it sooner

[@elisophie2530]

had a hard day in therapy today, and my initial response to depression and adhd symptoms is learning about my condition. today you helped put my mind at ease,and realize that my best effort is really my best effort. thank you jessica❤️

[@illiengalene2285]

I have ADHD and my girlfriend has ADHD symptoms from her MS, we help each other manage our symptoms and support each other. I felt so understood by the things you mentioned in the video. And I hope you don't get demonetisation. I don't understand it in the slightest . You can't talk about more adult topics but if you're too family friendly you get punished too.

[@thegiud3102]

My partner and I have been together 5 years, and he's always had a hard time with other people being understanding of his ADHD. this video touches on so many things he and I have been working towards in our relationship, and so much more helpful information is laid out as well. Thank you so much for the content your team puts out - it truly makes a difference. Will definitely be checking out that book!

[@ulthea]

Thanks for creating this, Jessica, and I love that you're as passionate as I feel about everything! I often get teary when I listen to or read about ADHD and autism because until recently I felt an absolute failure; it was so nice to finally have others I could relate to. Take care of you, appreciate what you do!!

[@TyEra-pr6hg]

This was so spot on. Thanks so much for broaching this topic with dignity and grace and being so real about it. This was sooo personal and healing to hear 😭😭😭

[@heresy02]

This very well done! As always you did great and covered the topic well with great information. This should not get you demonatized!

[@journeytowellness7096]

Ben Smith I don’t think it will be, there was an ad at the beginning of the video.

[@brucesims3228]

Excellent coaching for negotiation! Way more folks.....married or not.......need this sort of coaching and an understanding that mindreading and jumping to conclusions have no place in healthy relationships. Well done.

[@jeremylindemann3933]

"This is me trying.", hits really close to home.

[@brianwilfley3567]

I just came across your video a few weeks ago. At the time, your emotional reaction impressed me a lot. Today, I'm going back thru it to understand what I was detecting the first time. You hit on some things that go waayyy back for me, specifically, "It doesn't look like I care but I do". But also, I have an overdeveloped empathy toward hurt. Your hurt was so apparent, so tangible to me. I felt so bad that you felt so bad. I'm so sorry. So sorry. Nobody should have to go through feeling that way. (And I do know how absurdly unrealistic and naive that sounds.)

[@AdaminaCarden]

Love your candidness in this video! Would love to know more about it from the perspective of a relationship with 2 ADHDers. I think in those instances you can sometimes both end up feeling like the other isn't trying enough and then that you are also letting them down which can be difficult. The compromise question is definitely the big one regardless of whether you're neurotypical or not.

[@HowtoADHD]

Yeah, so true! And in situations where one person’s ADHD isn’t as severe or is better managed, they can end up being like the “neurotypical” person in the relationship and have all the same frustrations.

[@journeytowellness7096]

While it hasn’t had any specific affect on our sex life, my wife and I have grown so much closer once she started learning how my brain works. I’m so thankful that she’s so supportive and understanding. She’s usually the first to remind me to take it easy on myself when I inevitably screw up.