HTSM (So Far) #26 - How Jealousy Nearly Ended Our Marriage

Todays podcast tackles that HUGE problem for MANY people that is often NOT talked about ... JEALOUSY
Mark digs deep and gets fiercely honest about how and why he would experience bouts of extreme jealousy. Where did the emotion come from. How did it make Nadia feel. What are his strategies for coping with it! We read out your comments and discuss the Green Eyed Monster!

[@landrixi1987]

When Mark talked about the fear of being abandonned by the people you love, as the root of jealousy, it hit me. I am personally not a jealous person, but this fear of being abandonned, i had it almost all my life. It caused me to leave by fear of being left, to be distant in relationships, to brace unconsciously for the moment i was going to be left. This mecanism prevented me from being in situations where i would feel jealous, but unfortunately it also meant i would be alone, alot. Mark in a way took a risk. A risk that i ld personnally dread. The risk of being abandonned. HE has being facing that fear everyday. Something i am probably not ready yet to do, but i try. it seems like there are voices in my head, that are everyday making the argument that i am going to be abandonned. So i think "of course it is not going to end well" "i m probably going to make a mistake, they are probably going to discover that i m not trustworthy, etc". And in a way i must stop listening to those voices and make a leap of faith by trusting people when they say i m worth them staying.

[@pennyhart609]

I am a new Mum and your channel has quickly become my favourite! It’s great for a little brake while baby sleeps. I would love a podcast on married life with a new baby. This beautiful, wonderful little person suddenly changes your life and with all the wonder there is also anxiety, exhaustion, frustration, and a lot of adapting so naturally this can put a lot of pressure on each other I would love to hear your thoughts and advice. I suffer from anxiety. Being a new Mum has actually helped me with so many situations I would normally have struggled in but it has also brought on many more and new anxiety inducing situations.

[@sawalhaadderleys]

Maryyellan oh my darling Nadia here .. I hear you ! It’s like being hit by a bus ! We will do this as a podcast ! Promise x

[@jp718581b]

Please please please do some view on how becoming a parent effected you Nadia,you are literally so honest about the truth of it it heals me so much, I lost the plot, terrible post natal depression,psychotic delusions about my child's safety paranoia anxiety you name it would love to hear your thoughts and experience, for bless , xxxx

[@carolinegraham5832]

Thank you so much for this. We're married 26 years and I struggle daily with jealousy and keeping it out of our relationship. I have no reason whatsoever for it as my lovely hubby has never given me reason and know it comes from my own insecurities. The way you describe it mark is exactly right and I'm actually sitting here in shock because I never connected it to my overeating. Thank you Mark so much for your honesty 💖

[@liblynstephsuse09]

Such an important and complex subject that I feel so passionate about ! Struggled with jealousy so much and still do to a degree ! Definitely believe there is such a stigma attached with being a jealous person! Found CBT extraordinarily helpful for jealousy but I definitely expected more of an instant fix - takes so much time and work. So interesting , insightful and inspiring!

[@amymcphee9625]

Making someone trust you and love you is more powerful than making someone jealous. Mark you articulate yourself with beautiful honesty. I loved how you listened to each other here.

[@heathersbunting8349]

Listening to this pod cast, having watched your older ones, back to back, you guys have come such a long way! I can hear it in the way that you are talking to and treating each other. Well done and keep going! X

[@amandabaker600]

The jealously is another example of your over thinking Mark... the root of how your depression also manifests itself... it’s so hard, I am an over thinker too and my Mother died when I was 10. I now think this is why I find jealousy a problem too. The fear of abandonment combined with the racing mind is a toxic combination. Love how you learnt to manage it. So useful to hear your thoughts on this. Thank you so much for sharing.

[@aoifemackenzie8306]

I feel like this with each of your podcasts but this was one of my favourites. A definite “yes” to a Part 2, or, even a series.

[@Chazza534]

As a nosy, gossip loving person your channel is the very best

[@caravaughn9624]

This is so helpful and brilliant, Thank you for this! I can totally relate to what Mark is saying but I can also relate to Nadia's words as well. You're both like the two voices that reside in my head haha! You're both very similar to me and my partner in how you communicate and rationalize things. It's been so lovely watching this, definitely gets hard to make that process efficient of feeling better when it comes to jealousy and other mental health issues so videos like this are so useful. Thank you again!

[@janetgorman4579]

I think it's so important that you tapped into jealousy being connected to someone's level of self-confidence or self worth. Knowing that this is a tendency in their personality can even cause someone to avoid being in a relationship at all.....the frustration of knowing that it's inevitable, this horrible feeling, compounded with a complete awareness of how it changes your normal "not feeling jealous" day to day personality....and how it changes the way your partner sees you as well.....arrrgh..lol.....so annoying! Aside from that, thank you for another great one...you are both fantastic and wonderfully honest!

[@heidibabb1793]

This is JUST AMAZING...The two of you are simply awesome!!!!!!

[@debra5189]

Love this, thank you, another wonderful vlog 😀

[@neveb5624]

this was brilliant. I have a real issue with being jealous of peoples experiences, for example thinking everyone else is always having a great time and that I should be happy constantly like them. obviously so untrue, I don't think social media helps this either.

[@ameliel8792]

I have this as well! I feel constant FOMO and don't know how to stop being jealous. Any advice?

[@lior.vibefeeler9500]

Ooh a jealousy series. Thanks for the cbt tips. I’m in cbt again, and it takes a lot of commitment. My very ex girlfriend used to love how jealous I’d get. It affected me so much I’ve only attempted one more attempt at a relationship since and realised just how much jealousy and mistrust affects me. Just when you think you’ve got over one thing, and grew so much and so well, a new thing comes out. I’m a constant work in progress.

[@moonbaby109]

Love these conversations! It's like a good therapy session x

[@SJ-hw3vv]

That was as always brilliant, interesting and helpful thank you 😊.

[@Linda-dc7rl]

I’m learning so much about marriage through your videos! Thank you so much!!! I think in a healthy marriage you go on a personal development journey, where you confront your flaws and seek ways of overcoming them....thanks again

[@chrissie446]

Omg! Nearly everything you’ve said is my relationship all over. Amazing podcast, thank you.

[@zoe_agnew_]

Thank you for sharing this ... its so interesting to hear about it from both sides, thank you for opening up mark about ways to help with jealousy as I think that will help a lot of people because it’s such an awful thing to suffer from and it’s important to get help with it . Jealousy can be so toxic and dangerous and can ruin a lot of relationships, friendships and even family relationships . I’ve had experience with a past boyfriend who controlled me with jealousy and it really is soul destroying in so many ways . You question everything you do , who you talk to and you start to not be able to make your own decisions . It got so bad I cut myself off from everyone . Funny thing is he ended up leaving me for someone else .. which i found harder to deal with because of all the controlling he had done with me , I then ended up feeling so much jealousy towards the girl he left me for and that’s where all my Insecurities started and to be honest it really affected my mental health . I’m glad you’ve spoken about this .. you have such a strong marriage and I am so glad you got past it with the help of CBT and couples counseling ! It’s so true nads what you said about getting older you do get more secure in yourself and you are much more sure of who you are and you realise what you deserve and your worth so if someone doesn’t want you or treats you badly or is playing games and you know you are a good person then it’s their loss !! It can be hard though !! Sending big hugs to everyone who goes through it ..it’s not easy xxxxx Ps: Sorry this is so long 😂💛

[@amiedevane6530]

Your so right zoe and I read your comments all the time you should have your own channel xx

[@zoe_agnew_]

Ami Edevane ahhh thank you xxx

[@deniselamb8859]

I love how you are both so open and honest, I found this really interesting. You are a lovely couple with beautiful children.

[@jusnabegum548]

You guys are my fav youtubers 💛💛💛 i would love if you would do a video in what it is to be depressed/what depression feels like... its so prevalent in society and ive always wondered what it feels like... if it would be too 'depressing' to do then ofc dont do it. Either way keep up the good work guys xxx

[@Jane67343]

I actually think being cheated on has made me less jealous in relationships (with people other than him). I went through the betrayal and heart break of cheating and then came through the other side and realised i was still me, there wasn't anything i could have done and the 'sky didn't fall'. I think knowing that i delt with it before and i can deal with it again means i don't have the same paranoia and i can choose to let go a bit more. P.s. i love these podcasts and your honesty and resilience is inspriring.

[@lollyjohnston2063]

Thanks for the in-depth chat on jealousy,my ex was very jealous but i couldn't understand why at the time,it totally made sence what you said..As i was his first proper relationship & like what Mark was saying about clinging on too tightly,he became to much for me to handle in the end,it was sad really as he's a great guy otherwise but he's said he regretted how he was (we've remained friends) but at least mark you've learned how to control it,interesting topic.

[@SM-ul9fr]

Love these videos - they are so so honest! I know you touched on this, but I was wondering how Mark was able to suddenly stop texting you, phoning etc till he reached the stage of writing things down. These videos are so helpful and practical to everyone. Thank you for sharing x

[@louiseholloway8852]

Yes, please do more of this!!

[@lisataylor978]

Really interesting discussion, & you read out my comment ! from an ex - jealous Scorpio x

[@susancooper4020]

I was jealous on our daughters wedding day as she walked up the isle with her dad she was ours ,then when she walked back down with her lovely husband I felt really upset that she wasn't ours anymore , although we are very close and see her all the time xx

[@melw2389]

Very helpful. Thank you.

[@michellenye3742]

I always watch these podcasts with my hubby We find them so interesting and helpful. It is so nice to see a couple talking about their marriage and are determined to work through their issues. I am so proud of my marriage and can tell that you are both proud of your marriage too.💛

[@MartinaMcDonagh]

You two are sooooo honest - you're a great example to anyone in relationships. Communicate, communicate and keep communicating. It's great to see that you are still sitting down and really talking to each other after 17 years together.. You're a very honest guy Mark (don't mean to sound sexist!); but you are willing to admit your own failings - a rare trait.. Probably for both genders..

[@Macleodking]

One of the few times you guys talk about your interpersonal issues where you are actually LISTENING to each other without endlessly talking over each other.

[@angelinanorrie1610]

Hey, not really related to this post but been watching you for a while. Love all your videos. I am just being nosey really, but did you discuss taking Marks surname when you got married or is it just purely down to keeping your "stage name" so to speak. Keep up the great videos, your children are a credit to you. Xx

[@chellie7887]

Hi nardia. I feel so sorry for you, it seems like you have been though a lot. You're always putting others first. You need to look after yourself too xxxx💜

[@lisatravers3351]

Well I'm happy ye stayed together I think you are both so honest ❤☘ great debate once again

[@Dan-rj7ww]

This podcast really resonated with me. I've been in a relationship for almost a year and I'm suddenly feeling jealous and insecure about my partner's past, I believe there's a name for this and it's retroactive jealousy. What you said mark about jealousy taking over you body is so true. My boyfriend mentioned something yesterday that immediately made my heart race and I was shaking. It wasn't anything bad, just information about him picking up his kids from his ex's house and waiting in there for a delivery as his ex was working (his ex has been in a long term relationship and doesn't like seeing him as much as he likes to avoid her too, so there's no threat) but my body went into threat/fight or flight mode and I ended up having to come clean and speak to him about how I makes me feel. I have no solid basis for being jealous and it's completely irrational. I feel exhausted from being like this. It doesn't make it easier that we live 200 miles apart as we both have commitments and children meaning we can't see each other more than 5-6 days every 9 days. I feel like I need to cut off my emotions to stop the pain it makes me feel as it would be easier but we are soul mates completely and I don't want to live without him. I wish I could get rid of this but I don't know how.

[@chrissie446]

I’m jealous of everything but i believe it’s because I hate myself so much that it makes me jealous. However I do acknowledge that I’m the only person that can change and improve things that I don’t like so the power is in my hands. Great podcast guys x

[@lauraburdekin6559]

thanks for speaking about my comment! Nadia I totally get what you're saying about the ex was so much a part of everything because of the conflict, and so in a way it's like she is ever present! every time she phoned, he would drop everything to answer her to avoid an argument, tho most times she phoned to argue anyway! But rationally I knew he had to answer in case the kids were ill. Time is great tho and i've moved past all that now, but initially along with being a step mum to 3 kids, it was difficult. I naively thought the kids would be better off if their parents were back together and so was convinced it would happen. How wrong I was lol.

[@sarahc5214]

Thankyou ❤️ do you do an agony aunt/uncle section?

[@sarahperry2745]

I totally understand how Mark felt...it's actually called cheating OCD...very hard to deal with from both parties...I've also had to have CBT and OCD councilling sessions to try and help eliminate this terrible condition 😖 the negative thought comes in...causes you anxiety so you then seek reassurance( asking your partner questions etc) by wanting to check things (phones..messages...location of partner etc) and going over and over it in your head which are all compulsions...the obsession is the thought of being cheating on or being left for some One else and the compulsions come in the form of checking mentally and physically ...the more you do these compulsions the more worrying thoughts you get and it's a vicious circle...well done to mark for over coming this and sharing ☺

[@herajean5957]

You guys are marvellous, I absolutely love your chats and reviews and watching you x

[@raspberrymojitogirldec]

Very interesting conversation even though not jealous person hugs and love

[@MsBlue68]

If a person feels an unreasonable amount of jealousy its usually rooted in some negative past experience.

[@E.p.20]

Love your channel! Please review Chilling Adventures of Sabrina on Netflix it’s is so good! 🙏

[@eileenvaughan6702]

Very helpful ..........

[@sonjag.8686]

I grown up with forced jealousy meaning my mother loved to play my 2 sisters and me. With the result that I many times find myself in toxic relationships! I never been envy but this triangle game have been familiar to me. But that all changed when I’ve learned about narcissism and everything or every behavior from my mom make sense. It was wrong this is what I know now. Today, I would never give anybody a chance who try to tickle jealousy out of me! I have met somebody online and he was so pathetic to triangle me with another woman! First of all, I have no feeling for him and secondly he has strong tendency towards narcissism and that an absolut NO GO! She has no clue about that aspect, bless her soul and she is jealous about me just because he loves to triangle! I ended it! It’s pathetic life can be difficult, so I don’t want to bother myself with that! The home base meaning family and friends must be your power tool and you to them, no space for intruders! ✌🏻

[@judithmurphy4133]

I found this helpful. Could you please possibly do one about jealousy between friends? I don't mean being jealous OF your friends so much but being jealous FOR them. What I mean is when you have a close friendship & you then get jealous if they have other close friends. Maybe that sounds childish but I think it can happen, even for adults

[@rachelvincent782]

Your hair looks lovely, Nadia x

[@ruthrice814]

k think that alcoholics ecovering alcoholics are very insecure jeAlous and vunerable but Mark you deal with it now in a very intelligent and meaningful way. You and Nadia. Are a great couple

[@traceyjones7919]

I would say 6 years down the line I am looking for evidence my husband is committed to me. Recently he offered to pay for me to go out to Canada and I thought "wow if he is willing to pay x amount he must be commited" but we are married! I think being in a few bad relationships has taught me to look for signs of commitment and I still can't let go now. I can't relate exactly to what Mark is saying. But I still find it baffling that he has commited to me as this imperfect damaged person and is in this for the long haul. We speak about plans to buy a house regularly but I still struggle to believe he is commited.

[@Michelle-qd9gm]

I’ve passed jealousy I’ve been through so much in my life take me for me or sod off. But go of with anyone else and your out of my life for good xx

[@phoebeoverton930]

I would like to ask from Nadia's point of view - when Mark tackled his cycle of jealousy, did it ever cross your mind that he 'cared less' or he wasn't as bothered about the potential for you to leave him? Did the feeling of envy in your relationship become so routine that when it was gone, you were left with an empty space? I can imagine that the positives far outweighed any negatives, but I just wondered if you were being really really honest, did you ever correlate Mark's jealousy to him caring a huge amount?

[@Kari_B61ex]

I'm like Nadia and used to be jealous. I also agree that sometimes having a jealous partner is like a slap in the face - when you have to constantly reassure, that they have no reason to doubt me or be jealous. One ex-boyfriend was even jealous of my obviously gay hairdresser - who used to wear thigh length red leather boots and tell me my boyfriend was gorgeous!!

[@angelaknowles73ak]

My partner is a cancer I’m a Leo and I’m so jealous but I also found out that my partner was still having sex with his wife/ex wife there separated not divorced when me and him had got together and I sort of knew as he kept telling me I’m paranoid and nearly 3 yrs in he’s suddenly said I’m getting paranoid which to me means he’s cheating and he’s such a liar I’ve never been allowed to look at any messages on his phone he’s never allowed any of his ex partners look at his phone because on every partner he’s cheated I’m 51 he’s 50 we’ve got to a point that we now don’t have sex we don’t cuddle or kiss we’ve never snogged he doesn’t like to snog it’s always just a quick peck but nearly 3 yrs in I’m getting ready for walking away as he won’t talk god help me 😥😥😥

[@rebeccalittle2589]

Mark mentions exes with children in the plural!Are Fleur and Izzy not from the same woman then?

[@hpwomansworld]

She can be very unkind to younger, prettier women and spends a lot of time criticizing younger more popular actresses. I guess as a D list, older actress she generally feels extremely jealousy of younger, more successful women.

[@susiesalter5290]

You two are simply the best👌👌♥️♥️🌟🌟♥️♥️⭐⭐🌠🌠🌈🌈🌈🌈

[@chrisstannard4592]

Old Jamaican ginger beer not jealous at all lol 😂

[@pam164]

No disagree a lot of couples that have been together for years can cheat and up and leave any time. My ex is nearly 60 and has cheated all his life! And he was nothing to look at i was confident but knocked me for 6 when he left me for another woman. Saying that we wern't living together and was seeing him 3 years but it still knocked my self esteem, but me off dating now.

[@stillirise9705]

That's the type person he is, but it sounds like u new he was a cheat? But was still with him

[@pam164]

@@stillirise9705 Yea true, i stupidly thought he wouldn't cheat on me and hoped he wouldn't but he did, moral of story never date a cheat even if if there 70! Lol 😁

[@stillirise9705]

@@pam164 O bless ya, sorry to hear that. Well they say you live and learn. I'm a great believer in fool me once ,shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me

[@xcvxvcx8801]

advise to all lads out there get a girl who has no friends

[@sheriff5119]

xcvxcvcx Great, great advice!

[@sonjag.8686]

I would like for my partner to give me peace✌🏻

[@rapunzelmane9592]

Mark assumed that Nadia had never been jealous and was surprised that she had been. Why has he never bothered to ask? Has he never watched Loose Women? It always amazes me how little men listen to women and how little curiosity men have about the what the women in their lives think. I despair. Self-absorption seems to be in their DNA.