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The courting dance of the Wild West, starring the defiant Calamity Jane (Doris Day), the exasperated Wild Bill Hickok (Howard Keel), and the on-looking Henry Miller (Paul Harvey).
After Miller, owner of the theatre hall the Golden Garter, tried to pass off a male actor as a female singer (oh, the hilarity!), Calamity tried to save him from his very angry patrons by promising the visit of Adelaide Adams, star of the Chicago stage and the fantasy of all the men in Deadwood. Driven by the need to help out her dear friend, she had blurted out the only name she knew, not realizing the improbability of her statement. This scene starts with Miller, Calamity, and Wild Bill trying to decide what to do, and ends with a most entertaining display of anger and passion, performed through Kerr and Day's graceful slap-stick comedy.
Lyrics:
[Calamity:]
In the Summer... you're the Winter
In the finger... you're the splinter
In the banquet, you're the stew.
Say! I could do without you!
[Wild Bill:]
In the garden, you're the gopher,
In the Levi's you're the loafer,
Like an overturned canoe...
Well, I could do without you!
[Calamity:]
You can go to... Philadelphia
Take a hack to Hackensack.
Hey!! I'll never RING a BELL fer ya!
Or yell fer yer to come back!!
[Wild Bill:]
In the question, you're the why
In the ointment, you're the FLY!!
[Calamity:]
Though I know some things are indispensable...
Like a buck or two,
If there's one thing I can do without,
I can do without you!
[Wild Bill:]
In the barrel, you're a pickle
In the goldmine, you're a nickel
You're the tack inside my shoe.
Yes!! I can do without you!
[Calamity:]
In my bosom, you're a dagger
You're a mangy carpet-bagger!
In the theatre you're the 'boo'!
I can do without you.
[Wild Bill:]
You got charms, they ain't bewitchin' me!!
You've a face no one would paint!
[Calamity:]
I got the darndest itch in me!!
To be wherever you ain't!
[Wild Bill:]
In the bullfrog, you're the croak.
[Calamity:]
In the forest, poison oak!
[Wild Bill:]
Though I know some things are necessary
My half-pint buckaroo,
If there's one thing I can do without,
I can do without.....
[Calamity:]
You're a knothead!
[Wild Bill:]
You're a faker!
[Calamity:]
You're a bonehead!
[Wild Bill:]
Troublemaker!
[Both:] I can do without you!
**Note: The content of this video belongs exclusively to Paramount Studios and all the people involved in its construction and distribution.