I Chose To Go On Vacation Instead Of Attending My Father's Latest Wedding r/Relationships

[@JohnnyBluegrave]

"My relatives said if I don't go I'll be disrespecting my dad" yeah that's the point.

[@cynthiaappleton4668]

Right, some people!!!

[@poohbear4515]

Not to mention that some people in the comments were actually agreeing with the trashhole!! What the ever loving frig? Their worse than the relatives!

[@cynthiaappleton4668]

@@poohbear4515 Yes they are!!

[@owl7072]

Honestly 💀 "You're disrespecting him!" Good ❤ he disrespected his ex wife and the vows of his last marriage by having an affair ❤

[@BruinPhD2009]

I heard that line and thought, “yeah, ya think?” If I were OP, I’d be halfway to Romania already. 😂

[@dianedupree-dempsey2402]

Story 2 - my Dad was raised very old school in the south in the US. But he was an intelligent man and made a huge effort to overcome his upbringing to the point I had no idea my Dad had had ever had raciest thoughts until I was grown. He talked about it with me and admitted how wrong his upbringing was. When he got Alzheimer’s some of that teaching came back out. It was heartbreaking because I knew he’d tried so hard to remove the thoughts he believed to be wrong. Alzheimer’s is brutal and I came to think of pre-dementia Dad as “Real” Dad vs sick Dad. Real Dad was kind and thoughtful. Sick Dad was angry, confused, and in pain.

[@immortalsofar5314]

You can't judge someone on the leftovers of that dreadful disease - it's just not them any more.

[@dianedupree-dempsey2402]

@@immortalsofar5314 That is so sadly true!!

[@Lqtech00]

Mother with Dementia-I work with dementia patients so I give a wide berth for them being AHs. What they believe and see is real. Arguing with them about it only makes them upset and feel unsafe. And yeah we don't appreciate families starting ish and not being there to help with the aftermath. OP is doing the right thing and the partner is the AH.

[@Ayimii]

Exactly. I understand that it is their family member, and I'm sure it's upsetting to see them deteriorate and change. However, them causing confusion and frustration only for them to leave an hour later to go on with their lives while the people at the care facility handle the aftermath is baffling. I don't understand how people can be so selfish and naive about their own family members' prognosis.

[@elizahamilton5599]

Story 2 NTA. His mom has dementia. Op can’t correct her about her behavior cause she’s not even the same person anymore

[@kimsvisualdiary]

Story 2: my husband’s grandmother had vascular dementia and towards the end was also prone to going on racist rants despite having never been like that before the dementia. He’s white and I’m black. It was decided that they would never introduce me to her because they didn’t want to upset me. I understood because she literally can’t help it. She didn’t even recognize her own son anymore.

[@kellyalves756]

Story 2: As if it isn’t hard enough to watch your mom disintegrate into volatile, antisocial behavior, now OP has to deal with a bunch of fair weather friends armchair- quarterbacking while offering exactly zilch as far as support or understanding. Find a support group, OP, and pick some new friends from that venue. They’re only gonna find out when it happens to them.

[@legendarybushidobrown560]

Story 2: you can say the stove is hot, you can tell someone it's a snake, and you can even let them know that the water is too deep but if they choose to get burned, bit, or drown after you're warning, that is completely on them and there's really not much you can do about it besides warn them. Then watch to see what decision they make. I'm pretty sure it's going to matter if someone but I say that someone who is a mix of Trinidadian and African American. I think it's extremely heartless and devoid of empathy to ask somebody to abandon their mother, especially while they're watching, their mother slowly crumble away.

[@kentario1610]

If the mom was acting like this without any medical condition affecting her then I could see disowning, but she literally cannot help it. This person who insisted is definitely strange or up to something.

[@Nevertoleave]

Story 2. You can’t correct the behaviour. “You should just abandon her.” She has dementia, abandoning her is messed up

[@MrJpaynebb]

Abandon her? As she progresses mom won't even know OP is there. Dementia is a cruel way to die. It robs a person of their memories and filters. Unfortunately I have experienced this 1st hand with family. Obviously and fortunately none of OP's friends have had to deal with this 1st hand. Then they would understand it's a choice between endlessly correcting your relative when visiting and them never remembering that conversation because they physically cannot anymore because short term memory is shot or just being there for them in these last few months, weeks and days reminiscing about the past.

[@wesleywesson]

i work with dementia patients. there’s nothing you can do to correct them that would matter at the end of the day.

[@sherylcascadden4988]

O if OP's significant other gets brain damage through no fault of her own, OP should abandon her also? Some people don't understand loyalty. If you throw away loyalty once, you're more likely to do it again if things get too tough.

[@wmdkitty]

@@wesleywesson It's not about correcting the patient. It's about defending your freakin' partner from hate!

[@ElizaBetsy_]

​@@wmdkittyOP tried to do that when they asked their partner not to meet their mom. However, partner insisted, so any upset that followed is on them.

[@magiv4205]

Story 2: I work in a care home. OP did the right thing, even if it's hard and exhausting. The alternative is even more exhausting, and for questionable results. It it works it does so only in the first stages of the disease. Far enough along, there is literally nothing you can do to correct these types of behaviors except remove the person with dementia from the situation that will trigger stress, verbal or physical violence. In this case, don't introduce her to a person that will trigger a racist rant, for everyone's sake. You might be able to diffuse certain situations, but it's often only situationally effective and depends on the person. If doctors (and, I'm assuming, nurses) are telling OP it's fruitless, then just leave it, as sad as it is.

[@dotdotdot9024]

you're white aren't you

[@gwenp3450]

I learned to not correct a person with Alzheimer's because it's upsetting to them. I'm glad I did as I helped others understand that as Grandma started down that path. My favorite memories near her end were about asking her the same set of questions about growing up, meeting grandpa, and who people were in pictures every 10-15 minutes and getting different answers each time! Once she even told me that she should probably call her mom to see how she's doing. I asked her how old her mom was, and she tried to do the math, but gave up. 😂 We both agreed that her mom probably wasn't off work from the telephone operator switchboard yet anyway. Then she started talking about something completely different and forgot about calling her mom.❤

[@chuckles7070]

I've worked in aged care for nearly 10 years and I was waiting to here something, anything about redirecting the behaviour. It's not something that can be corrected but redirected? Yes 100%.

[@randomusername3873]

I just can't believe people dared to criticize the second op Op is going through hell and his partner decided to make it about herself and to create more drama for absolutely no reason, and instead of telling him to run they tell him to start arguing over something his mother can't control?

[@chasefrost1401]

Story 1 is a no brainer. What did the dad expect? He's so damned delusional it's funny and angering at the same time. Edit [Update]: he definitely got what he deserves

[@LunaP1]

The jackass should've seen this coming when he got with a woman in the same age group as his kids.

[@FinnishLapphund]

2nd story: Markee is 100% spot on with the Leopard story. OP told their partner exactly what to expect, that doctors agree that it's pointless to try to correct her because the dementia will make her forget it within minutes, and OP tried to dissuade the partner from coming, but they insisted that they could handle it. And then they complain, and blame OP for not even trying to tell the "face-eating Leopard to stop eating their face". If the partner had put the blame on themselves, and admitted that they where wrong about being able to handle it, but they didn't know until they'd already jumped into the too deep water, then fine, but they're not even using it to say "Wow, now I really understand better how difficult this is for you to deal with" to OP.

[@hypocrite4318]

spot on leopard get it (im so funny)

[@keshaponso2034]

It's total ignorance and disrespect to not even google what dementia is. The people in the comments too?!

[@Keyonne88]

It is my greatest fear that I get dementia and become this racist person. I grew up in a fundamentalist right wing family that was sexist, racist, and homophobic; I do not believe any of that anymore and haven't for ages, but as the story says, dementia pulls from any experience it chooses. There was a short time in my life I was a horrible person and I fear inflicting that past self on others during an episode.

[@hyperplaguerat]

Exactly! Cheaters don't deserve respect.

[@MiraTheWarlock]

I think she knew exactly what was gonna happen, OP told her after all. She WANTED that confrontation, she wanted OP to 'prove they were her chivalrus knight and defend her honor'

[@browhattheactualfu-2659]

Op in the second story being mixed race makes both the situation and the partner more awful. Did they think just because op was mixed, they wouldn't experience what they (willingly, mind you) experienced with their mil? Or was it that they think they're so important that the moment it happens to them, op should've cut contact?

[@thefortnitemum]

i think they were more concentrated on the fairy tale of her mil being happy to she their child happy and it'd fix everything for the visit rather than the harsh reality. sort of tinted glasses kind of moment

[@browhattheactualfu-2659]

@@thefortnitemum honestly that makes sense since she wanted op to defend and/or educate her instead of leaving the situation like any sane person

[@ianesgrecia8568]

Story 1: No matter the gender, if you cheat on your partner. You lost all respect ANYONE should have about you. These ridiculous guy that made the mysogenistic comments is 100% a cheater too. Story 2: OP deserves much better. They should leave the partner if they don't understand the already dificult situation of OP and their mom. LEAVE THIS TOXIC PERSON

[@randomusername3873]

I love how the main problem people have with the dad's marriage is that he's marrying a younger woman, the fact that they were cheating doesn't count apparently. I guess that if he cheated with an old woman they would be totally in the clear😂

[@carlrood4457]

Yeah, Reddit seems to have more trouble with age differences for some reason than anything else.

[@25Erix]

@@carlrood4457 Because, no matter how you slice it, going after someone either old enough to be your parent or young enough to be your kid...is gross. It's bad enough he cheated. The fact the other woman is his DAUGHTER'S age...nah. That's not on.

[@0Jenna7]

@@25Erix I resent this in particular. (Couple with 18 years apart) Though when someone has kids and date someone that age. That's icky.

[@randomusername3873]

​@@25Erixso, again, the main problem is that the woman is younger (they also call her a gold digger, so she's 100% consenting and the manipulation excuse can't even be used). If he married his 60 years old affair partner you people would be supporting the marriage, lol

[@25Erix]

@@randomusername3873 not even close. If it had been someone closer to his age, it doesn't take away from him being a filthy cheater. The age gap makes it even worse.

[@strawberrysangria1474]

Story 1: You can tell how 100% done OP is with their dad's bs. Don't waste time on people who hurt you. Life is short, spend it with your favorite people instead!

[@mickmash13]

Story 2: NTA. Im a caregiver for someone with dementia. It can be very difficult to manage their behaviors, and generally if they're not physically agressive or putting others at risk, it's not worth the effort. OP earned their partner about what their mom would be like, and the partner didn't listen. Yes, I could understand maybe the partner feeling abandoned in the moment, but them trying to tell OP to abandon their mom is not okay.

[@juliearmfield2634]

Story 2. Nta. O.p. is in a very difficult situation. Dealing with a dementia patient not like dealing with any other kind of disease really because they don't know what they're saying most of the time. O.p. tried telling her partner why she didn't want to introduce her to her mother but she wouldn't listen. Markee analogy of the lion is spot-on you Can't Blame a lion for attacking your face and eating you and that's what the lion does

[@sharyebethancourt3660]

Story 2 is heartbreaking. OP is in a horrible situation, and their partner isn’t helping. Sadly, the partner is TA. Some people need to get burned to learn not to play with fire. I like Markee’s analogy better tho. 😂🤣

[@diamcole]

Story 1: Yikes. I'm my grandmother's caretaker and she has dementia - arguing with logic is ultimately useless and often discouraged by medical professionals. NTA because OP warned their partner over and over again. I also fully understand and respect someone choosing to remove themselves from the dynamic entirely. If my partner decided to leave because of the things my grandmother says (and she says some absolutely vile shit that will often still leave me reeling), I would get that 100%. It's my choice to deal with it, doesn't have to be theirs.

[@EluneAnzu]

Story 2: Honestly I say screw the the friends who told OP cut their mom off, my grandmother had alzheimer's before she passed so I can say from experience it while it does really suck seeing your loved one decline mentally like that and from the sounds of it I know if that relationship didn't work out OP would regret not visiting more, at some point on my grandmother's "bad days", IE when her alzheimer's was really bad and she was struggling with memory most, she ended up not remembering me, still makes me regret making more time to see her more when she was doing better.

[@theresaschuebel5151]

My husband not only hurt me when he cheated he hurt our 27 and 24 year old daughters. He had the balls to tell my 27 year old to call his side peice mom. She told him F no.She also told him that she has had her fiancée 's mom in her life for 10 years when he asked her this and she doesn't call her mom, so why should she call someone who she doesn't know or want to know mom

[@debdoug4136]

I snort laughed when OP said why the wedding is off. The old man literally messed around and found out. Bet mom cried laughing when she was told.😂

[@ostaviahylton2581]

The racist dementia Mom story homeboy is not the idiot. They can’t be helped and your partner was warned multiple times and now she wants to feel like the victim.

[@babybookworm003]

I agree if ops mom was in her right mind and aware of what she was saying and or doing I’d say differently bu ops mom likely doesn’t even know what she is saying or doing

[@lacefreak]

Story 2. I worked with dementia patients for years. They are not always aware of current reality and distressing them for no real benefit is cruel. Just trying to get through 24 hours without being in distress is a daily challenge for them. The partner is immature and self centered and needs to stay away.

[@dotdotdot9024]

op still accepted the homophobia and racism

[@ostaviahylton2581]

@@dotdotdot9024 it’s not accepting it if a person can’t control it. If you are your right mind says something that you know was wrong that’s 100% is different from a person that is sick that really cannot control what they say. What do you want this person to do leave their mom to be forgotten?

[@ostaviahylton2581]

@@dotdotdot9024 OP knows it’s wrong, and he warned his significant other about the situation, and she still decided to put herself in the situation.

[@driversuz44]

Story 2: So...."This is who I am. Accept me!" only goes one way with some people? The partner isn't even trying to understand the complexity of dementia. Might not be the best partner. This one is *extremely* self centered.

[@Deedoof]

Story 2: What if OP's partner wanted out of the relationship and used the mom's condition to justify leaving without being the "bad guy"? If my partner tells me their mom has dementia and says horrible things I'm not going to blame my partner if I'm insulted. Also, the partner(and OP's friends) has no empathy if they weren't trying to break-up. My ex-husband's grandpa had Alzheimer's so I understand first-hand that trying to correct someone could actually cause more harm.

[@randomusername3873]

I wonder if it was a power play to have him abandon his mother

[@kaykay8855]

@@randomusername3873 it's a possibility

[@ingloriousbetch4302]

Could be. I definitely think the fiancé's behavior is dump worthy

[@dotdotdot9024]

or maybe it's because op is completely fine with racism and homophobia did that ever occur to you

[@Deedoof]

@@randomusername3873 That's another real possibility. Regardless the reason, the lack of empathy towards someone suffering from Alzheimer's is awful.

[@locusxe1411]

Story 2 NTA- her partner really needs to understand how dementia works. My great grandma had dementia and forgot almost every interaction we had with her. It sucks. Op told him how she was and what was going to happen and he decided not to listen.

[@bethmckinney983]

Going through that now with my father-in-law. When we spend time together, he and I trade stories and I get to re-tell him stories like how his son and I met, ones about his granddaughters, etc. In return, I hear stories about when he was courting my mother in law and stuff like that. It's fun. (Beth's mom)

[@kaykay8855]

Story 2: unpopular opinion but NTA. Op warned their partner that his mother, with dementia, would say homophobic/racist remarks and even if he corrected his mother’s behavior she would forget quickly because she has dementia.

[@KaileyB616]

That's not an unpopular opinion, it's a realistic one. For the reddit browsing crowd, "racism" is the absolute worst thing in the entire world... but for one, his mom has dementia, she's not actually racist.

[@kaykay8855]

@@KaileyB616 right. Like if op's mom didn't have dementia and she said all that stuff then op would be TA but she's not all there, her mind is literally stuck in another time.

[@yusufsmith20]

I like how ppl seem to believe racism is some random dementia trait. She wouldn’t be saying it if it wasn’t already there. So yes, he should have indeed left his mother to a care taker, and abandoned her.

[@kaykay8855]

@@yusufsmith20 in op's comments and update, he stated that his racist grandparents taught her that racist comments were 'ok', but it wasn't until she moved out and actually interacted with the world she realized that her parents were wrong. Op didn't bother correcting her is because she will forget. Dementia throws your mind in a random period in your life and keeps you there while you're mind is deteriorating.

[@Nevertoleave]

@@yusufsmith20 have you considered that racist and homophobic things were once common place and that people can change over the years, no longer feeling it appropriate to use such language, and that dementia causes changes to a person’s memory, thinking, and behavior. Behavioral symptoms can include agitation, restlessness, inappropriate behavior, sexual disinhibition, and aggression, which can be verbal or physical.

[@felix0-014]

Story 2) the SO was warned multiple times and INSISTED. That's like deciding to pet an aggressive dog because you think you will be the exception smh 🤦 You can't reason with a delusional person who's brain is turning to mush. Jfc NTA

[@mirandakrohn1719]

Story 1: Tell Dear Old Dad, "I'll be at the next wedding." Guaranteed he'll cheat on and divorce this one when she "gets too old." Just like his first wife.

[@Italktocarrots]

i relate highly to story two, my dad only died of dementia in 2021 at the age of 60, if you dont laugh you cry, op is dealing with some of the worst cards to be dealt, so i am firmly on NTA. my brother was insistant on telling my dad when my mum died, when i warned against it, and all it did was upset my dad over and over again

[@deballen7031]

OP in the second post is NTA. It amazes me to think of just how many people have no idea of how things are with dementia patients, there are so many aspects to it and the amount of changes it causes to not just the patient but to the friends and family can be unfathomable. It's one of those things that all you can do is your best to get by in whatever way you can on a day-to-day basis and I feel for OP but his girlfriend really should have known better when warned and perhaps she should learn to listen to those who know what they're talking about. No, OP is definitely NTA.

[@ellorasg4525]

Story 1: NTA! OP warned their partner over and over again. Partner was just thinking about themselves at this point. I would take a break from the relationship till OP's partner learned more about dementia and how it effects everyone around. My grandma, bless her soul suffered from dementia. It was painful for everyone to watch her deteriorate slowly. I miss her a lot.

[@JamJam-wm2kt]

Damn, story 2 made me cry. My mom has dementia, and I am her primary caregiver as my sister passed away in 2020. I wish every day that I had my mom and my sister back

[@poohbear4515]

On one hand, you go on a vacation with your mother who gave a lot of her time and effort to help someone who she thought she loved to give them a good future for her children, and will actually have a lot of fun to learn where her parents were born and such. On the other hand, you have a selfish, pile of trash that stomped her efforts and love while happily screwing someone enough that they will even marry them, not to mention a year older than the mother’s own child. Is it really that hard to answer…?

[@VNCstudios]

One guy In the comments of that thread was insistant that it was the mom's fault she got ugly or she was a bad wife. I want to launch these cheating apologists into the sun.

[@carolroberts4614]

Can I hitch my ex to that launch? It was All My Fault when he cheated! I was single handedly looking after our two small children( because he did nothing), and had just lost my mum. But I wasn't Looking After Him!

[@artemishallihan8973]

I feel like story 2's partner was either A) completely disregarded the warnings and assumed it couldn't be as bad as OP says or B) was actively looking for a scenario for their partner to defend them against hate, and was disappointed when it didn't happen.

[@sammyk.6457]

Story 2: dementia is a very complex condition, I saw my great grandmother (who was near 100) think she was 7 one moment and the next she was asking for my great grandfather who had died before I was born.

[@gilles111]

Those friends of OP on the second story. Those friends are so very lucky they don't know anything about dementia and the consequences of it. But also very stubborn to believe they are in the right by calling out OP. The same to the partner of OP. Can only hope they will get some experience of life when they grow older and then realize how awful they treated OP.

[@shanoc5902]

Story 2- While I feel that OP maybe should have helped their partner out a bit during the meeting (if only to shield them once it was clear they were in over their head) I don't really blame OP for not. The Partner completely ignoring and disregarding OP's warnings are a red flag, them hounding OP for massive change in their life rather than apologizing for misreading the situation is another red flag (I'll give them a bit of latitude for wanting an apology as while they shot themselves in the foot, they still felt abandoned by their partner), them using their friends to try to peer pressure OP into changing their behavior when private conversation didn't work? Huge fucking red flag. I believe the saying 'three strikes and your out' applies here, this partner is hugely manipulative and controlling. Maybe they're good *most* of the time, but they've shown that when the cards are down and push comes to shove, they will steamroll OP to get their way.

[@randomusername3873]

It wasn't about the partner, it was about Op and his sick mother. She only came there to create drama

[@spiralbuddy]

Story 2: I’ve seen and helped care for my grandmother who had Alzheimer's. It was rough, and the majority of the time, she didn’t know what was going on. She would have some lucid moments, and her regular nurse said she would thank her for helping at those times. Other times though, she could be completely irrational, and calming was a much better way to handle. It is not easy to calm someone who has reduced sense of reality. OP is not the AH, and glad they are thinking of the caregivers and supporting family. In my mind, these traits would be super positive in a partner, as it would show how they might act if something were to happen to me, etc.

[@potatoempress5731]

Markee's dramatic reading slaps again!

[@eileenherrera2510]

These were both sad stories, but if the two, the second one is exactly why it’s so difficult to make a clear cut judgment on something so very nuanced. Very best wishes to the OP in that story.

[@janedoe885]

Kickass reading on story 2 there Markee, you carried OP's emotion really well! :D

[@Quixotic_Dreamer]

I suggest watching an episode of Bojack Horseman called Time's Arrow. It's a pretty good way to see what Dimentia looks/feels like to the person experiencing it. It's very hard to watch, and even harder to experience for yourself. OP's significant other needs to step back from themselves and see the bigger picture.

[@icedragonbreath]

Story 2. I feel sorry for OP. Dealing with a person with dementia and dealing with a person that can't blame dementia on their inability to understand what they are doing is wrong...

[@monicacurtis3986]

Story 2: The only mercy of dementia is that the patient often doesn't know what's happening to them. My heart goes out to OP.

[@MCKevin289]

My friend’s grandma had dementia. I went out to dinner with his family after playing a hockey game in high school. She thought I was someone she knew from her life in Ireland. So the rest of the night I did an Irish accent when I spoke to her.

[@luciferandassociates9255]

Story 2: No. Means. No.

[@owl7072]

Story 1: The affair is a whole other thing that I'm not gonna unpack right now, but just know that i agree it's shitty. What i want to focus on is that of all the people one could cheat with, _what's with people having an affair with someone who could be their child's sibling???????_ The cheating is wrong in and of itself, but that part adds a whole other level of fucked up.

[@KE-hr4sb]

S2: I think this is a case of ESH (I know, not that subreddit). The partner should not have demanded to see the mom, having been expressly warned beforehand how toxic she was. What was the point of insisting they meet her? She won’t remember it. And if it was for partner, why? However, that said I do think I’m more on the partner’s side on this one. If you take the dementia out of the equation, and the mom was “just” racist and homophobic, Reddit would be up in arms demanding OP cut off their terrible mother, and for letting her talk to their partner that way. You can love someone, and also realize that they are not a good person/good for your mental health or that of your loved ones. OP doesn’t specify genders, but what if children come into the equation? Are you going to subject them to grandma’s racism and homophobia, her “sharp tongue?” Are you going to keep them away, and when they ask to go you’ll tell them no, she might hurt their feelings? My mother slut-shamed my seven-year-old daughter once and only once. (My daughter had “made” an outfit by tying up some old sleep shirts of mine around her. She was so proud of her “designing abilities” that she wanted me to show everybody. But because it didn’t cover her from the top of her neck to her ankles, my mother made a comment that would have crushed my daughter, had she seen it.) That was the last time my mother received a picture of any of my kids; that was just one of many reasons that made me decide to go NC with her again. The Reddit commenter that said “OP is coping with someone they love very much whose illness makes her incapable of not being awful to both of you.” Not a doctor, not an expert. I guess the important question to ask is, was she always racist and homophobic? Both of my grandmothers had dementia before they passed. Both would have conversations when no one was in the room. They’d battle the nurses thinking they were being attacked. They’d forget things they’d just been told five minutes prior. With my dad’s mom, I had to re-introduce my husband (of going on twenty years) and kids to her every time we visited. She’d get so surprised, asking my dad, “I have grandchildren?” I was never sure if she was referring to my kids, or if she’d also forgotten me. Now, granted I was not there all the time, we lived in a different city. But never once did I hear either of my grandmothers making racist, homophobic, or hateful remarks. ETA: Ah, she was raised by racists. Sad, but explains so much.

[@jbgra2566]

Let me tell you: the one who stays with you on your bad times supporting you and believing in you, that's the one who truly loved you and the one who you should cherish. It's easier to love someone when they're doing great, not the other way around

[@tineve2002]

I almost burst out laughing when OP said his father's wedding was canceled because the new wife would not sign prenup. What was the father expecting to happen? I am pretty sure OP's mom took the father to the cleaner during the divorce. As for the new wife to be, she knows that OP's father is a piece of shit for a man like him to cheat on his faithful, hard-working wife. She does not want to come out of this marriage empty handed when he cheats on her.

[@cuzican1902]

1st story - Dad is a selfish dick. Yeah, I would go to Romania. NTA 2nd story - NTA - His partner is an idiot. His mother has dementia. He was warned what would happen. Then it happened - shocking ....... not.

[@bucknuts8198]

Story 2. Op's partner just wanted drama.

[@WyntheRogue]

Story 1: NTA and where the f*ck are these people defending cheaters coming from?! This isn't the only subreddit story I've heard people harass posters angry at their cheating family members,SOs,etc. If it were a one time mistake and the couple worked things out and stayed on the straight and narrow MAYBE I'd show leniency but that obvi isn't the case as OPs dad was shameless about him and his side piece. The people harassing OP have to either be trolls,incels, or people who've cheated on their partner shamelessly or all of the above.

[@LovesGaming37]

People with dementia and Alzheimer's are not like what they use to be. My Grammy had Alzheimer's and swore like a sailor. Before that, she never swore in her life. The person with it is not the person they use to be

[@victoriafernandez8183]

My grandma has alzheimers and it's incredibly hard to deal with. generally speaking, when I visit, I tell her all the happy things because i dont want her to be upset. One of my cousins visited her and started arguing with her regarding my great grandfather's death it was horrendous and ended with my grandma pinching them so hard that they bled because she truly doesn't remember he died. My cousin wanted to be right but it didn't help anything. She had sobbing fits for the rest of the day. every time i visit, i get to tell her that i got married, and every time, she gets so excited because she has always loved my husband like a son. I tell her all the silly things that her cat does when he's at home with me because she loves cats even though she doesn't remember him. I don't tell her any bad news, period.

[@SpookiCooki]

Second story: it must be hard to realize that his partner is a complete moron. I find it very hard to feel sympathy with them. And those friends.. I would drop them as soon as I left the restaurant if I were him. Horrible people.

[@tk6239]

OP in the second story...NTA. It is interesting that people will give someone with a mental health issue a break but a women with a legitimate medical condition that can not help it makes you the worst person. You need new friends OP

[@lauragarza7585]

Story 2 Yeah, my grandmother is 97. She does not approve of interracial relationships. I am in one. I just choose to talk over her or I leave. But my aunt who is her main caregiver is one of my favorite people in the world so I help her where she needs it. It’s not worth fighting with them especially for yourself because they don’t care they don’t know who they fucking hurt and at the end of the day that’s really sad.

[@carolrondou6161]

Go with Mom. F Dad and his sugarbaby Dad disrespected his family when he cheated.

[@carlrood4457]

Trying to correct someone with dementia is a fruitless task. They won't remember and it just adds frustration to the loved one/care giver. The insults are hurtful. The frustration trying and failing to make them understand is MORE hurtful. You know how doctors and nurses ask your pain level? It's like the difference between an 8 and a 10. It still hurts a ton, but you may as well take what little you can get.

[@terramarini6880]

My mom got sick with multiple chronic fatal conditions, She started spouting some of the most outrageous racist, jaw dropping crap near the end. The nurses said not to mind, that the toxins building in her system were making her brain sick and it wasn't her talking. We just gently steered her to safer topics and moved on.

[@carlrood4457]

It's something of a relief that my wife's father passed fairly quickly after being diagnosed with dementia, although we knew something was off for a while. He'd give money to "girlfriends". He'd wander and we'd not be able to find him. He lived in the Bronx and the last time he went to a hospital miles away from where he lived and near where he'd lived 10 years prior. They wanted to put him in a care facility near that hospital which would be like an hour drive with tolls every time we'd visit. A friend got us into a place closer to us. He wasn't there more than a month. Just in that relatively short time, it's easy to see how hard it is to deal with. The memory loss leads to fear and paranoia. You can't hold a conversation very long and have no guarantee anything will stick. Add in that he had no will, so we had go through courts to get power of attorney.

[@teacheschem]

OP2: Should have told your partner before you went, I will not defend you if she attacks you because you have been warned! His partner is an AH.

[@wmdkitty]

S2: Yeah, OP "warned her partner" about her mom, but OP really should have defended her partner when her mom started talking crap. I hope Partner dumps OP, they deserve better.

[@littlegreycat]

The new panther analogy was brilliant.

[@robertx8020]

Dementia story : not only is OP not TA! The expartner is..not just for IGNORING OP's advice ..but making their friends (who are as ignorant as he is) gang op on her! FFF them all

[@Demonic_Culture_Nut]

Story 2 -- I'd use þe analogy of a bonfire. OP's partner jumped into a bonfire after being told it was a bonfire and got mad at OP for not putting it out wiþ a water bottle.

[@owl7072]

Story 2: Long rant/story ahead My grandmother had dementia to a point where if you wanted to talk to her and have an actual conversation, you had to do so within a specific time frame in the morning after she wakes up. She's insulted me and forgotten my existence within two minutes and then forgot the incident happened not even five minutes after. I was never able to come out to her because on the one hand, she never showed signs of being homophobic or transphobic, but at the same time her sister (who she was very close to and living with before she passed) somewhat does, and i wasn't about to play a game of "will she accept me this time or will she disown me?" I watched as she became a shell of who she was. The grandmother who always applauded whatever random song I came up with as a kid, gave me my first guitar, and gave me seashells as a keepsake when I went to visit her, was gone. Despite that, I still loved her very much, and when she passed i barely spoke to anyone verbally for a week unless I had to and even now, months later, it's still a struggle to acknowledge she isn't here anymore even though she technically hasn't been here for years. All that to say, when someone has dementia, you can only to do so much to help/correct them. And eventually there comes a point where trying to help them is only hurting you. You can love someone while still acknowledging that they aren't good for you to be around, which is exactly what Op was doing when they said they still loved her, but didn't want to introduce their partner to her.

[@DevilFruitZero]

Tell me you have never dealt with a senile family member without telling me you have never dealt with a senile family member. Drop every friend and the girlfriend. Tell a person that reverts every 24 hours off. That's going to be a job you do for the remainder of their existence. I lived it, and anyone saying it isn't true hasn't lived it.

[@LisaApril]

If the partner cannot understand that the mother has dementia, then there's no hope for the partner. The partner is obtuse.

[@Boyce2B]

Dementia is one of the worst diseases for those who have lost a loved one to it. My Grandma was the sweetest, kindest person I have ever met in my entire life. No one could say they had ever even heard her raise her voice in her entire life but when she started showing signs of mental decline she went fast. Within 6 months she went from the being my sweet Grandma to a feral being. She would bite, scratch, hit, scream at the top of her lungs how she hated us all and wanted us to die. Dementia is not the person you love. Dementia is monster that kills that person long before it takes their life 😭

[@shantereed]

Dementia sucks. My grandma has it and no longer will speak to me and she raised me. I wish Op the best. She did what she could.

[@GalliaUchiha]

Story 2, OP isn't an asshole for warning their S/O that there's no point trying to tell someone who can't remember shit that they are wrong. Dementia destroys the brain. It's literally insanity to expect someone who's brain doesn't work because it's deteriorating to change their behavior. Someone suffering through it can become a completely different, even violent, person. It's pathetic to expect that it is possible to make a person stop slowly dying and be nice. I'd break up over this. And blast the 'friends' who don't understand that OP's mom has Dementia.

[@sharonparks1236]

Dad deserves no respect

[@Killertomatoes13]

Go on vacation with your Mom. It would hurt her so much if you canceled. She would just be wandering around a foreign country by herself.

[@lifewithlee6298]

I feel story 1 will have an update 3 😅dad trying to come back to op mom . Ha ha

[@jennifertaylor2013]

Story 2: I feel so bad for the OP. Inused to work in a care home and it's heart breaking seeing the decline from someone who was just a bit confused to full on dementia. I was called "mum" by a 93 year old woman. She asked "Mum, when's the train coming?" While looking me dead in the eye. I simply replied "it'll be here soon, sweetheart" there was no point in me telling her I'm not her mum, that would have just upset her. OPs partner was warned REPEATEDLY about their mum and chose not to listen! This is on their partner!

[@toshi9742]

Story 2: I’m still surprised whenever someone meets a person with dementia/Alzheimers and don’t understand/comprehend that it’s not them (ie there will hopefully be good days where they’re somewhat who they used to be but most of the time, or at least gradually, they become someone completely different because their mind is under attack/memories are being shifted and changed daily). Bet if it was because of a tumour the partner wouldn’t be weaponising their incompetence/ignorance so much and pretending OP can wave a magic wand and make everything perfect/rule up his mum without consequences. (Personally experienced the loss of grandmas- one to dementia the other to alzheimers- and I learned very quickly even at a young age that the grandma in front of me may not be MY grandma and that the things they say may be the illness talking- not her. Because the grandma(s) I knew would never say those spiteful things). My mum tried to correct her mum countless times (even after seeing my dad’s mum spiral into another person) and I eventually had to have a sit down and remind her the facts about the illness and the unfortunate truth that, at some point, we won’t get the good days and they’ll simply be taken over by the illness and the best we can do is placate and go along with conversations- not matter how unrealistic they may be- because grandma in that state doesn’t know any other truth or reality. It’s all we can do to honour the version of them we love to make sure they’re comfortable until their last days (and of course if things are too vile then step away because it’s ok to take a break sometimes).

[@josiemorgan6567]

STORY 2: OP'S Friends are lucky to have no experience with dementia. OP's partner is the one that needs to be educated. It's a very sad thing that you cannot rationalise the manifestations of dementia. They are not rational. The person that you love is still in there. They don't know why they act the way they do. Don't ask why.

[@chb5628]

Story 2 is ridiculous. The partner is so wrong. If you fight with a person with dementia it just gets so much worse. You can't teach them better, you just have to find ways to live and make them happy. My grandfather was a racist. When he met my husband (Latino) my grandfather kept saying really horrible things about the Latin community. My husband was a SAINT, he kept talking and joking around with my grandad and everytime he asked who my husband was my husband replied with the "english" version of his name. The OP's partner is just asking them to suffer and make their mom suffer

[@kanelovec4315]

S2. She has late stage dementia it not like she lives with op and their partner. Op can not disown their sick mother because partner got their feelings hurt even after being warned. Sadly Mother will probably die in a few years and the dumb partner isn't going to stay around for another years sense they want op to be their white night 24 hours.

[@colleens1107]

OP in story two really should be more concerned about both the complete lack of regard their SO showed for their warnings about moms dementia AND racist homophobia. AND THEN blames OP when they disregarded their warnings and got hurt by the moms behavior. And then telling OP they shouldn’t have contact with THEIR MOM SUFFERING FROM DEMENTIA. This is not the partner you want as someone dealing with this disease. My grandpa had Alzheimer’s so I know what it’s like to see a loved one get trapped in their own mind

[@carlrood4457]

Our brains interpret our reality. Imagine if you could wipe a brain and reinstall a new set of memories, like you can wipe Windows off a PC and install Linux. The person would look the same, but have a completely different set of memories and experiences, but they also wouldn't be real. Real evidence would show they DID NOT attend that ball game when they were 10 years old. The dissonance would be tremendous. With Dementia, your brain simply doesn't work in a way that's consistent with physical reality AND YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. Worse thing is that it's constantly being rewritten.

[@ladyofthelake93]

You really do have to just go with it when talking to a dementia patient. My grandpa rarely had a concept of what year it was and who we were. You just gonna play along with the stuffed cat being real and it being the 50s.

[@TJDious]

OP2: Your partner needs to flush off. Your mother is sick. Anyone who would tell you to disown her is a disgusting person. Yiu did nothing wrong.

[@hyperplaguerat]

Second story OP should never have brought the partner around her mom. Exposing the partner to her mom's behavior instead of continuing to say no and making it a hard boundary sucks. Honestly OP should break up with her partner because they're not compatible.

[@denelva]

The dementia story is rough. I've worked at several facilities for patients with dementia and I'm honestly gobsmacked how OP's partner just can't comprehend that trying to correct her mother, is futile. I've dealt with patients spewing A LOT of hateful comments over the years: racism, sexism, sexual harrasment, misplaced anger, hatred etc. and the amount of patience, calm and kindness it takes to care for someone who behaves awfully due to dementia, is HUGE. There have been days when me and my colleges have been fucking glassy-eyed after shifts, JUST from being targets of a patient who's dementia caused them to be angry and yell at us all the time, while also needing a lot of care. Patients have confused me with their wife, their husband, their MOM, their sibling, robbers and cops and what not. The number of times I have gently told some 90 year old patient that their spouse doesn't sleep in the same room as them or are on a trip, in order to not give them the shock of what in that moment would be THE FIRST TIME THEY HEARD OF THEIR DEATH because they don't rememberthey're dead since 10 plus years, is a three digit one! It's one of my fears, seeing one or both of my parents disappear from me while still physically here and unfortunately, acceptance and comfort is the only way. Of course OP is not the ahole, how poorly educated can one be about dementia, to expect anything else?

[@HattielyEverAfter1995]

Story 2: NTA but the partner is! You don’t get to walk into my game after I’ve been playing for an hour, then start walking around telling me the rules, you knew the rules when walking in, it’s not my fault you’ve suddenly decided not to follow them x

[@Khaisz.]

My Grandpa didn't have Dementia, but Alzheimers. And it's just as bad if not worse, because while Dementia randomly deletes certain memories and might restore them later, Alzheimers just straight up removes them. By the time my Grandpa died, he was back in the late 1980s, early 1990s, as if anything past 1995 never had happened ever and he believed he still lived on his farm despite being in a care home. We(I say we, but it was mostly just my Dad, my Brother and my Grandma) learnt very quickly that it was easier just living in his "year" then try to correct him. He mistakes brother for dad? Just roll with it and keep talking about whatever Grandpa wants to talk about, he won't remember the conversation next day anyway. So just like with Dementia, you can either roll with the rules, or get hurt fighting an impossible fight.

[@LordGertz]

How to spot cheaters on reddit- they support the cheaters in the posts

[@lillamacsai7699]

I wonder what happened, what will happen to the relationship in the 2th story. Or to that painfully shallow friendship.

[@alsinakiria]

My grandmother became much more racist at the end. She defines had dementia but no diagnosis. It was so embarrassing when people accidentally said something that got her on a rant.

[@trout512]

Aaaaannnndddd story 2 is why I'm terrified of aging. My gramps died of Alzheimers and my dad's going through it right now. I never ever **ever** want to go through it. It's a horrible disease, like the person's soul itself is being eaten away at, rather than the body.

[@DisneyChar]

S2 nta, you did everything you could. Ignore the ableists. Standing ovation for caring about staff.

[@sandeesandwich2180]

What people with dementia say is not a reflection of their beliefs or personality before the disease wracked their brain. My late grandfather did not have dementia, but he did have some impact on his brain in the last weeks of his life. He because very nasty suddenly. I tried to tell the staff at the rehab hospital that he was truly the sweetest person in the universe, and these paranoid and angry things he was saying were the polar opposite of who he is. That nasty phase did not last long, thankfully, but I can only imagine what people who did not know him thought about him during those days.

[@nightdweller6446]

S1 NTA. OP dad doesn't deserve any respect. Enjoy that holiday. The AH in this scenario is dear old dad S2. Explains it beforehand, repeats the mom has zero filter whatsoever. Dementia is a filter remover, partner ignores everything OP has said, but somehow expects a miraculous turnaround just for them? Yeah, that ain't happing.NTA. Dementia sucks butt. The partner is not even opening the book let alone on the same page. Source: geriatric nursing for 20 years. Corrections are pointless, the person they were is long gone.

[@angierucinski5694]

Story 1: As the old saying goes "There's no fool like an old fool". Silly old sod. 😂

[@stellamccoy5259]

My sisters mil was a true racist. After she go alzhimers she kept getting caught sleeping with a black man. It was hilarious and he was married. His wife kept getting angry but what can you do with alzhimers patients.