I Have Cancer and will be Dead in Five Years... my Partner Wants to Have a Baby With me

[@earthyacts2222]

My mum died from cancer just before my 1st birthday. I don’t believe that this couple have thought enough about the child’s pain and emotions as the child(ren) grow up. Personally, I grieved more and more as I got older for someone and something that I’d never know and never had. During my younger years I’d lie to my friends about why my mum never picked me up from school, during my teenage years I felt like a huge part of me was missing. I felt lost and there was many times that I wished I hadn’t been born and wanted to end it all. Then there’s the big mile stones that serve as heavy reminders of my loss- first boyfriends, my wedding and most recently the birth of my first child. These huge events always bring back that pain. As for OP’s partner wanting a reminders of him through their children, she has no idea again of the pain and confusion that is felt by a child to be hugged or held by an adult that is actually trying to hug/ hold on to their loved one that has passed. I remember from the age of around 7 knowing whether my aunt was hugging me or trying to hug her sister. Of course this is a huge decision for OP and his partner and I understand that wanting a family with him is because she loves him but I really, really hope that they think about the possible future child’s needs first.

[@SheSheBoom21]

The part you said about the aunt was deep. I presume it’s like you were never you but just a piece of her for everyone to grieve with. 😢

[@paulashaw495]

Nope. Think about the child who is going to GROW UP without a parent. Also, it's not the child's job to make mom feel better.

[@citrusreticulata5949]

THIS

[@keno5456]

Yup, seems like they’re having a child to shoulder the pain.

[@ArtemisNyx42]

You should want a child be cause you actually want to raise a child, not because someone’ wants a physical reminder to see the other person in their face’. It’s a difficult situation, children don’t fix pain

[@flii87]

This got shared on Facebook and ALL the comments are from bored housewives saying YES HE SHOULD HAVE MANY BABIES like get real. I can't believe actual people think he should marry her and have babies with her.

[@jenniferdaniels701]

I know someone who lost their fiance in a car accident when their child was a baby. She said that the kid was her motivation to keep going and not loose herself in her pain. But the kid wasn't born specifically to do that. They had him, then life had other plans for the father. OP doesn't mention how his family feels about the girlfriend and if they'd stay in each other's life to help out. The one I know had both sides of the family helping out.

[@taylorpnw612]

Speaking of detecting colon cancer, my grandfather had colon cancer that was caught early because of his regular blood donations. His iron levels were concerning enough for them to do further testing. Regularly donating blood to save other people ended up saving him. Give blood if you can!

[@KB-qy8ps]

Thats incredible, I'm so glad he's okay!

[@donnamiller3463]

I am wondering if you donate if you are pregnant. Probably not but still wonder.

[@nursebee-vomit5058]

I can't blame people for saying not to have a kid. She essentially wants to give a baby the job of being her emotional support. People shouldn't be placing that burden on an infant. People are thinking of the ramifications of guaranteeing that the child will have to watch their dad slowly degrade and die before they can even comprehend it. It is definite trauma, with absolutely no way to avoid it. No amount of counseling will prevent the child from suffering immensely. I see the way parents use their children as emotional support animals, therapists, or replacements for their spouses. The reason someone has for making an entire human being absolutely has an effect on the way they are raised. The fact the wife's reasons amount to "it will make me feel better" doesn't give me hope that the kid would have a healthy relationship with her.

[@butterflygirl141]

Wedding makes sense, especially if it’s not a pain to plan, or a private ceremony with meaningful vows. Having a child will make everything more painful for him, and for the child!

[@flii87]

Wedding only makes sense if he signs a prenup. She's literally just looking to cash a life insurance check at this point

[@haileyhowson8350]

i feel so horrible for them, and i definitely believe both personal *and* couples therapy in this is necessary.

[@brigzbee2303]

Personally i think if i was him, id agreed to marriage and then freeze some sperm that so she can decide, after shes alone, if she can handle raising a child on her own. Or just get married and agree to one kid since it sounds like she will have enough money to support that. Edit: but also if the cancer he has is genetic and not preventable I wouldn't do it, because then she might end up grieving her child like she did her husband.

[@icequeenspits]

I agree with you so much except on the genetics thing. There is a thin line which gets Ugentics like when ppl start strategically deciding not to give their child a chance at life due to a potential disability. No test will let you know 100% that your child will the same aliment as their parent. It's like who is deserving of life and who would be too much of a burden. That's some dark logic in my opinion.

[@HandleUnclear]

​@@icequeenspits I disagree with you on the genetics thing. If I test and learn my child is not developing correctly and will be disabled I would want to terminate. (Depending on the disability) I don't want to terminate because I personally think disabled people don't deserve life, I am a mentally ill woman, I know I cannot love or care for a child who needs more than a typical healthy child would. I can handle a mentally ill child, as my own life experiences have given me tools to do so, but disabilities that makes a person a child for life are beyond my abilities. A child like that would suffer in foster care.

[@kimberlyormesher3494]

@HandleUnlear one thing I’d say to that is that anyone at any point could become disabled - it’s horrible but a baby can become disabled during birth, for example if they don’t have enough oxygen. In my opinion, anyone having a child (through birth or even adoption) should be prepared and willing to have a disabled child as there’s no knowing what can happen and like you said it’s much harder for children with disabilities in the system. However I understand how you feel, having had mental health struggles myself - having children in the future is something I debate with myself all the time.

[@livewellwitheds6885]

agreeing to marriage isn't the same as agreeing to having kids.........

[@FirstnameLastnames]

"One kid" ^ that is A PERSON who would knowingly be brought into this world purely to soothe an adult's achy, broken heart after the death of her spouse. No.

[@lunachick-61388]

As a person who had to watch their parent wither away from cancer when I was a kid it's not something I would put a child through! I still have alot of problems that effect me to this day from that point in my life and it was over 20 years ago!

[@buggy627]

My moms father died when she was 5 from brain cancer. I would never put a child through that willingly. She had to watch her dad wither away. Because it was brain cancer his personality changed from a great dad to very angry and mean. My mom has a lot of cPTSD from her childhood now. Money can’t buy your father back.

[@alexbarlow3990]

Such a terrible situation, but what about the child? If they do decide to have a kid, their young years will be spent watching their father get sicker and sicker. Even if they’re young that can leave so much trauma on the child. Therapy (couples and individual) is definitely necessary to understand each of their reasonings 😔

[@livewellwitheds6885]

hey. im 24, and on palliative care. i have had the marriage talk, and basically there are many legal benefits of marriage such as the right to inherit your spouse’s estate without paying an estate tax The right to visit your spouse in the hospital The right to make medical decisions for an incapacitated spouse The right to participate in burial and funeral arrangements i also encourage EVERYBODY regardless of age and health to have a living will and more importantly an advanced directive. its critical to your own medial wishes being able to honored in a situation that you are unable to communicate or in some cases permanently incapacitated

[@umberdandelion]

I didn't finish the episode yet, but I just wanted to share a case that happened in Spain. A 68 year old celebrity had her son die from cancer at the age of 27. Apparently, his sperm was frozen, and 3 years later we hear the news that the celebrity went to the US to have a surrogate baby... With the dead son's sperm. Apparently, after he died, she asked the girlfriend at the time to have his baby, but she refused. So now, at 68, she has a newborn baby that's actually her granddaughter, with no parents, but a bunch of money.

[@rebeccaduerey9838]

Just arguing about everything is wasting time for him. She needs to enjoy life with him and respect HIS decision while he's alive

[@mixelle_0]

I think it’s incredibly selfish and unfair to the child if they go through with having a kid. They won’t have a father and if they do he will be withering away in front of them and I can’t imagine a small child going through that and then having to be there for his grieving mother. It’s a no for me.

[@Inyourpalms]

My sister is 28 with colorectal cancer. The colonoscopy showed the cancer as the only mass, and NO polyps. She had genetic testing done and the gene mutation doesn’t fit her cancer descriptors. My sister always had a healthy diet. Her first symptom was blood in stool and sleepiness. Please listen to your body and see your doctor

[@FirstnameLastnames]

😳 ohh.....yeah....I think I'm gonna do that 😅 thanks for the info

[@christinaishere9018]

I'm just so afraid that the partner isn't thinking this through. I get that she doesn't want to be alone, but a child is a lot different than a partner, even if they remind you of their parent. Is she really ready to be changing diapers and driving them to school every morning and to deal with the hard questions? For a minimum of eighteen years? Because that's a big difference from the life style they had before the diagnosis, and while op's diagnosis could have been a wake up call for her to realize what she really wanted out of life, it's also possible that she is just so scared of being alone, especially as she doesn't have any living immediate family, and is scared of not having enough to remember op, but will come to regret her decision once the reality of single motherhood hits her.

[@CraftyCatarena]

I lost my dad to cancer and you are 100% correct. It fing sucks

[@tofumar]

Awfully selfish of her. Understandable but selfish.

[@shannontipton4004]

16:50 I’m currently in prep for my colonoscopy. The prep is the worse part but cancer would be even worse.

[@kimberlygonzalez3384]

I had a colonoscopy at 25 for other health reason they found a small polyp and removed it. If that had stayed of course I would’ve had cancer in my mid 30s, the screening for colon cancer should DEFINITELY be lower

[@kassandrad6540]

Whoa. I feel this. On the other side of things. I have health issues and I’m terrified of having another child. My husband is my daughters step dad. He’s an amazing father to her. She always says she has two dads lol. Been there since she was not even 1 year old. She doesn’t remember a life without him. He thinks of her as his daughter, period. But We have tried for YEARS to have a child of “our own” (for lack of better phrasing) and it just has not happened. I’m 34 now. I fear what having a baby will do to my already fragile body. He tries not to make me feel bad. But I know he wants one, badly. I’m a very strong person and I don’t show just how much I’m in pain every day. I need to work on that… otherwise people won’t know that they’re expecting too much from me. I try to reach their expectations, I really do, but this one is just too much. I actually fear I will die giving birth. Or during a pregnancy. I have lung and heart issues. Severe anemia. Joint issues. I feel like I’m 90. But I am always trucking along, working and providing, and he is amazing but I don’t know how much he really KNOWS how I’m hurting. Inside and out. That’s my fault. But I told him my fears and I think he is mad inside. He’s not mean about it but definitely expresses his grief and sadness over it. I told him I would understand if he needed to be with someone that can do that for him. He said that’s not even a thought and that he’s just sad. And I don’t blame him that he just doesn’t get it. I don’t express it in full. I just know that I need to be here on this Earth for my existing daughter, not worry about bringing another life into this world with the possibility of not being here for either of them.

[@kiraragner6049]

Having a child to remember your partner by is, in my opinion, a bad reason to have a kid. There’s so much subconscious expectation put on that kid which can be so incredibly harmful for them growing up. I understand it completely but it doesn’t make it right to me. I think freezing some sperm and having it as an option for when the mother is financially, emotionally and physically ready/healed enough.

[@nr7701]

A wedding is a good idea for the legal benefits, and it's something positive to look forward to, so it will be a welcome event. I think the solution in the update is a fair solution. Let's go to grief counseling for a few months and see how we're doing. I love that the dad is already trying to write letters for future kids.

[@hjt5894]

This made me feel so sad. Being pregnant and having a child is already an isolating experience when you have minimal outside support (currently 8 months pregnant and my mother died in my early 20s so I know first hand). Add in that you made that decision based on grief and panic for losing your long term partner and it becomes so messy.

[@vyspeeds]

It is a very sad situation, but it seems like an incredibly selfish decision to make to have a child not because you want to be a parent (which can be argued is also selfish), but so that you can have a “thing” to extend the memory of someone else with. Bringing a child into a messed up world into a situation where they have no other family (at least OP didn’t mention anything about help from his side). What happens if the wife dies when the kid is young? Honor and remember him some other way, not by creating and impacting a life.

[@ehmry984]

All I hear is me me me , her her her . What about the new life they will bring ? How the baby will grow with one parent ? How about their emotions ? What about all the love and support a baby would want ? She is defo grieving now and he is too . I don’t think it is a good idea to bring a baby to this life to only entertain their grief or heal them … it is hard to lose a partner but it is also harder to raise kids on yourself and to combine them both idt it is beneficial at all

[@sarahobah]

You can't plan to be a single parent without understanding all that you and your child would be missing out on. I don't think bringing a child into the world and into this situation is a healthy way to process grief.

[@crissytracy8517]

Colonoscopy’s are not that bad. They aren’t fun. I was always out right out. I’ve had more than half a dozen at this point because I have UC. I’m still trying to talk my husband into getting one done.

[@alanamacneill88]

Such a sad situation

[@theunitedstatesofgeorgia]

I got a colonoscopy at 24 and I just got my first monogram at 29. It's insane and scary but young people are developing cancer in their 20s and 30s...

[@suzannefriedman8185]

Colonoscopy: best nap you will ever have.

[@lineb7805]

Is it an American think to get anaesthesia for a colonoscopy? Those I have been participating in on the side line have been through a bit of pain meds through a drop, and then you are awake

[@suzannefriedman8185]

@@lineb7805 It’s sedation. I just remember tubes for my nose and counting back from 10. Then waking up and telling the nurse she was pretty.

[@gabzi27]

What about OP? If they have the child they now have to know that not only are they leaving they love of their life but a child behind. They will have to watch the child loose them as they decline.

[@sinabrand5244]

I don't think you should have a baby just to have something to remember him by. If it's for the wrong reasons, you're not doing the child any favours, it should be wanted as more than a memorabilia. Sure, if she changed her mind entirely about having children and really wants it, because she wants to be a mother and him as a father is just a plus, that is fine. If it is, however, out of selfish reasons, it won't do anyone a favour. So before deciding anything on that matter, she should be entirely sure she wants a kid with OP for the right reasons. It's only fair for the child. When it comes to marrying OP, I can totally understand where she is coming from. It doesn't have to be a big wedding, eloping in nature/their favourite place in the world is possibly even more beautiful, especially as it comes to remembering him as it would be a very special memory only they shared.

[@apersonnamedkai817]

Also i genuinely believe colonoscopies should be done starting at a much younger age. Im talking about it shoukd start late 20s - mid 30s. Especially with how common people have IBS. Im 28 and have already had two colonoscopies so far. One and a half days of colonoscopy prep is worth getting checked out if it prevents you developing colon cancer. Sure a camera is inserted in you. Youre put under during the procedure. The procedure itself is relatively quick. I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis and have my liver checked out annually because my dr supection of Primary Sclerosising Cholongitis, theres evidence of scar tissue on my liver. If i do develop PSC it basically means scar tissue will build up on the valves to the liver resulting in needing a liver transplant. So please please please get checked out before your 40s if youre already experiencing digestive issues

[@noradiaz4923]

They could do IVF, save the fertilized eggs and decide later. I can tell first hand that without family to support you during the first year with a baby, one drain a quarter of a million dollars super easily (in childcare). She needs to think it through very well. This is a tough one.

[@flii87]

Sounds like it's 110% not worth it, especially since HE DOES NOT WANT KIDS. He shouldn't be forced into something he doesn't want. She can get a kid elsewhere if she wants one so badly.

[@apersonnamedkai817]

I understand both sides to Op's story. I know its hard when faced with a life altering illness to think logically rather than allowing emotions to take control. But what they really need to consider of outside of finances and raising the child alone would be to talk to their doctors about the health/quality of OP's sperm since he has stage 4. If theres a high chance that would cause potential children to have health defects because of his current health...the wife might want to reconsider. Thats not even considering the likelihood of their potential children also developing the same type of cancer as OP. Theres so many things for OP and his wife to consider. This is beyond Reddit's paygrade. It also might be a good idea for OP and his wife to start seeking couples therapy/grief therapy for the inevitable.

[@Raraking4796]

At the end of the day a career is only worth what it matters to the person doing it. To MOST PEOPLE family and people matter more. Once this man passes away she will only have her career which honestly sounds terribly lonely. If he gives her a baby she will have a family. Financially she is going to be fine. I hope he comes around to marrying her and having a baby with her. I hope that he is able to live a comfortable with his wife watching their kid grow and that he gets to enjoy as much life as possible. I hope he gets to live longer than expected. My Mom was diagnosed with severe stage 4 cancer and they gave her 6 months at best and she lived for 6 years. I believe there is a increase in colon cancer and other issues due to our food.

[@LilySaintSin]

How's the child going to feel growing up without a father?

[@madnessarcade7447]

Upside he gets to pass on his legacy and bond with his kid before he dies and his wife would have a piece of him with her forever through the kid Downside she is being selfish she needs to have empathy for her husband and focus on him Edit: wrote this based on the title and the downside might be exaggerated

[@mylene_b]

He can pass his legacy through his partner and his family. He doesn't need a biological child to pass his legacy. Plus, that child will barely even know or remember their dad. I agree, she is being selfish for wanting a child, but the marriage and the ring are doable and a good idea for memories.

[@madnessarcade7447]

@@mylene_bshe can teach the kid about her dad

[@flii87]

They should NOT have a child. She's being very selfish, not even listening to his wants or needs. You cant say you dont want kids for 11 years and then change your mind and expect your partner to just give you what you want. She chose this. There are no take backs. When he does, she can move on and find another man or sperm donor.

[@katelyn6039]

I love listening to Amy speak and I kept yelling at Morgan to stop interrupting her! 🙄 so frustrating

[@patty-pat-pat]

why do that to a child?

[@czurbandanaz]

More more more more ❤❤❤😊

[@BisexualBeauty]

Well the fact he has cancer prob not best idea because that can affect the whole body. She just is starting to grieve, but who is to say that when he dies she gets depressed and cannot care for the baby.

[@shelby_button]

Crying in a Starbucks drive thru

[@hannahfuqua2346]

Screenings are for sure a good idea and the age should be lowered. However the idea that medical professionals don’t know why more and more people are being diagnosed with this at younger ages is laughable. The amount of poison that people put into themselves and call it food is a joke. Medical professionals as well as governments should be ashamed. The ingredients that are allowed…the education that’s lacking in schools…I mean it could really save lives to try harder.

[@JaneDoe-px9nm]

Hayley and Taylor Odlozil did this to their poor son, Weston

[@cupidshuffles8498]

You shouldn’t have a child as a keepsake you should have a child because you want to. I understand where they’re both coming from but she doesn’t want a child for the right reasons and she’s not in the right state of mind I don’t think.

[@mademoisellemorte6066]

I am 20 and I've had 2 colonoscopies 9 out of 10 would reccomend

[@maddybaby989]

Yay!

[@Jerseybaby19]

My husband died when my daughter was 1. All I can say is THANK GOD I had our daughter because she was the only reason I got out of bed, ate and functioned partially. However, it wasn't my daughters responsibility to take care of me and I get what people are saying but we are the closest, shes had a great life and a wonderful step father as well as my brothers and my parents so me having an extended family and meeting someone when she was 7 really helped probably ground her.

[@flii87]

That's pretty pathetic. So your life is useless without your husband or kid? You can't do anything yourself? You cannot find joy? Why bothering continuing on if that's how dad your life is?

[@sheanamclaughlin8940]

Oh I know why it’s on the rise.It’s a side affect from the jibby jabby for Rona. It’s on the list of adverse side affects . Third or fourth page. Just saying. Don’t get mad at me. It’s there in black and white…🤷🏻‍♀️

[@Devin_Jazzberry]

Omg give her the kid so she isn’t alone. Especially if money won’t be an issue. Give her something to love when your home. A horrible decision to have to make. But it isn’t like he is going through the pregnancy. She loves him a lot. She is facing heartbreak alone, but she wants a child. She loves OP

[@keno5456]

Seems selfish to birth a child into a situation like this.

[@flii87]

She can get a kid from anybody. She said she didn't want kids. She doesn't get to change her mind just cause he is dying. She's being selfish and she deserves to lose him honestly.

[@bekind2416]

She deserves that baby. She spent 11 years of her life with you! In her mind, she probably can’t fathom making a baby with anyone else ya know… she’s wanting it with you and you only dude

[@flii87]

She deserves nothing. She stayed with him for 11 years, he didn't force her. They agreed they didn't want kids and then she changed her mind. Sorry, life doesn't work out the way we want, we gotta live with our decisions. She chose to say she didn't want kids and she chose to stay with him for 11 years. Sucks to be her, she can find another dick. And honestly, it's not like she isn't going to move on and remarry anyways

[@phillipclark9914]

HAVE KIDS

[@LilySaintSin]

WHY???

[@yoshi5986]

I had a clean colonoscopy last year at age 23, but I'm still always sick nauseous, bloated, very frequent bm's and it makes me nervous for the future.