I Learned What Love Feels Like For An Avoidant

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Today I’d like to have an in-depth discussion on avoidants specifically as it relates to them falling in love and what that looks/feels like.
Love at the beginning of a relationship
Love after a relationship

[@markpratt8201]

Avoidants are capable of love, but they can't maintain it for very long. Eventually thier avoidant side is triggered and there headed out the door...save yourself all the misery, they are good people, but not capable of giving you what you need in the long run.

[@indigoearthhealing4927]

Can confirm

[@Caroline_Thedeathofa_sho-br2ut]

Fuck...

[@ashton1952]

Could be from a trigger; then fear etc. gets too much and they feel they need to protect themselves. Unhealed traumas basically; could happen to anyone

[@miuzik8op908]

I'm in love with an avoidant. I almost ruined us with my anxious preoccupied shit. I learned who I was just in time to explain why I had behaved the way I did the first part of our relationship. I THEN carefully told her what her attachment style was. She quickly researched herself and said WHY WOULD YOU OR ANYONE EVER STAY WITH ME? I told her all the terrific things about her that made me fall for her. And then I got to work on ME. leaving HER for her to deal with if she chose. 6 months later, I am leaning VERY far towards a stable attachment style. Occasionally I have anxiety. And because I have respected who she is and worked on me, She is VERY aware of my needs and is there for me even if it makes her uncomfortable. I realised I loved her and knew what that would do to her Avoidance, so I waited for months to tell her. One day I said, I'm out of reasons to not tell you how I feel. I know who you are, and you know who I am, and I am certain I love you. I need no response. I will wait for validation, because I believe I know how you feel about me and can't say it. Either way, I'm in it for the long haul, and I'm going nowhere without you beside me. Months later, she still hasn't said it back to me, but when I tell her she grabs me and holds on tight. Then I say in her ear, "and I'm going nowhere." . You MUST NOT allow them to feel threatened. Your frustration will only hurt you both. If you are NOT a stable attachment style, GET THERE. It will set you free, and likely save what you have in front of you. We're going to cancun in two months. She's begun to request more time with me. She's given me keys to her house, openly unlocks her phone well with in my view, and so many little things that are unheard of for an avoidant. I am SO proud of My Girl! And although she has never directly told me she loves me, she has nearly killed herself to make sure I know, with every avoidant tendency she painfully pushes to the side for me. I will NOT betray the massive effort she has made. And it all started with ME BECOMING STABLE and understanding myself. Don't shun these people. They've been hurt, like the rest if us. Someone MUST help them heal themselves. If you care about them, take the time to understand them and the horror they feel just trying to love someone.

[@formalhault5820]

​@miuzik8op908 based on the percentages you got lucky. The rest of us have to protect our hearts and shun them.

[@1984musicman]

GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!!! if they aren't working through their attachment issues they will destroy your life as someone who is secure leaning anxious.

[@user-un6hq1hc8o]

Yep

[@vivdoolan6846]

Yup

[@zzzzz2120]

Don’t date avoidants. It’s not worth it. They are damaged people and will only cause you pain. Run.

[@ryux]

Testify!

[@pan.satyros131]

As someone who has dated a dismissive avoidant for 12 years I can attest to this. Is the relationship over now? I have no idea!

[@graysongreener8495]

You will always be left searching, longing, yearning, begging, pleading for the love of an avoidant and will never find what you are looking for. In the end your demands for these things will drive them away as they rip your heart out as they leave.

[@adoptioncorner1984]

That last line is so true 💔

[@little_miss_muffet]

💯

[@Princess15732]

no, I am an avoidant and he ripped my heart by leaving me

[@angelspirit9]

Damn

[@elvinagabriell3100]

My ex is a DA, we were in a 5 year relationship. Out of the blue he broke up with me 1 month ago because his business was not going well and he “blamed” our relationship was also bad while I saw him keep pulling himself away everytime I tried to get close to him. I couldn’t really understand what he wanted or what he thought. I believe this is the best way God has given me.

[@susansmith9318]

I've been dating a DA for 3 years now and it's the most confusing relationship I've been in! I'm a widow and was married for 33 years happily! This relationship has been a whirlwind for sure. He goes silent and bolts when things get difficult! For the most part things are great and then he throws walls up!! I know what it's like to be in a secure relationship! I'm emotionally drained.

[@Vixinaful]

GET OUT NOW! I was in a 3 year long relationship with one of these..or sorry, we werent a couple, he refused to call it that but "we're more than friends" lol. He went into schizophrenia, they are talking about putting avoidant PD in the schizophrenia cluster bc it fits together. He was also a drug addict and drank alot. And when I broke it off, every time he would panic and refuse to stay away.

[@Vixinaful]

@@andypsa5131 My psychoogist thinks its a psychopath but I say covert narcissist then. Avoidants arent mean at all with degrading comments?

[@jamo1774]

How do u deal with the silence? I was just seeing someone that I now realize was highly likely to be a DA. And she went silent on me over something very small while things were going so well and now I have no idea what to do... Part of me thinks this would be so unhealthy for me, the other part is in love with her and wants to make things work.

[@vivdoolan6846]

​@@jamo1774she is showing you that she cannot communicate in a healthy way. You will always gave to deal with this and maybe a lot worse. Ignoring actually comes under emotional abuse , so you need to decide if you want to be in an abusive relationship because this behaviour wont be a one off.

[@indigoearthhealing4927]

This is so insightful, thank you 🙂

[@terrymondon7649]

Very informative ❤❤❤

[@jaredvaughan1665]

Which is why romance books are so popular

[@Vixinaful]

I agree with the commenter on quora. The will schred your heart to pieces. If you suspect avoidant personality disorder GTHO!

[@renee359]

probably one of the most substantial videos about this topic

[@LesleySASMR]

You nailed it. Aaaaaand now I feel more shame. I can’t tell you how often I’ve googled “what is healthy love?”

[@jayhorne283]

Wow this in great information. I was this person, but have worked on myself. Yet I end up crushing on Avoidants😞.

[@valentineroad]

They say that wanting is stronger than liking

[@marioct130]

The second comment is actually correct. It is advisable to run from an avoidant. Avoidants might personally feel the effects of love given to them, but they don't reliably give love. Should we be feeling empathy for avoidants given that they cause great harm?

[@ashton1952]

It's not true, there's so much misunderstanding about this. No one should have to put up with abuse and or a partner not meeting them halfway, but your'e thinking of narcissism in your statement. People who have an avoidant style are associating love with pain, so once they get a little of the way in, the fear of being hurt overwhelms them. Generally they've been through narc or other emotional abuse and are scared that you will do the same. Fear of being controlled, abandoned etc. Therapy fixes it but the person has to come to an awareness of the need for that, we can't force it on them or make them see it.

[@wanderingseth]

This is an unkind message, lacking in empathy and promoting division. I'd rather stick with damaged people if that's how secure people think.

[@your-name-here.]

I am an avoidant, and I try so hard to be a good partner. It's torture to feel this way.

[@ElectricMaryJane]

The behaviors of a DA sound a lot like a narcissist

[@sarahsummers4093]

@suckfora buck I disagree

[@ashton1952]

It's different; the narc need their supply, a DA doesn't want to be a burden or owe anything, have difficulty receiving whilst a narc will suck you dry of every resource.. Narcs thrive off conflict and drama, DA's dismiss conflict because they don't know how to react to meltdowns and or fits of rage. Narcs are usually in the FA style because it fits their traits. A lot has to do with intentions too.

[@bnatalie]

Just wow 👏

[@robertlopez6092]

Screw it. Let the avoidant die alone in their own misery. They aren’t worth the headache.

[@nikolettavarga8351]

They were emotionally neglected in childhood. They were not born evil. They are victims. They need help. If you don't want to be supportive, at least don't be destructive please.

[@robertlopez6092]

@@nikolettavarga8351 a person who is physically abusive due to their childhood upbringing doesn’t get a pass so why should an emotionally abusive person get a pass? I’m not saying they’re evil, but they sure do perpetuate evil with their actions. Dismissive avoidants are just immature people, you can’t condone that behavior no matter what the cause is.

[@MB-Music23]

The only area I’m a little lost on was the quote from attached. The way it describes the phantom ex relationship…it’s sounds like a DA with another DA. But I know DAs are typically drawn to APs so does the phantom ex pairing tend to have the pattern of DA + DA? I’m curious about the trend of the attachment style of the DA’s phantom ex bec that doesn’t sound like an AP ex if there may have been neglect and other aspects quoted on the site,

[@KevenDuring360]

@@robertlopez6092 Exactly it makes no sense that you want someone to love you but then become worried it becomes serious that’s called a serious relationship 🤨 let them die alone 😂 we’re not there therapist

[@ashton1952]

@@robertlopez6092 After having been in two emotionally abusive relationships with fearful avoidant narcs, I'm beginning to think the DA's are just getting a bad rap because people confuse all the terms and traits. But I agree no-one should have to put up with any abuse in any form. I've had to do therapy and as an empath would rather stay out of relationships til I've healed, than not be able to give the best of me to my partner.

[@williamarcher8865]

Was with someone for 7 months, she was introspective and told me she knew she had an avoidant attachment style from counselling. All of her relationships were with emotionally abusive or unavoidable men. We were really happy, growing week by week, told me she loved me, introduced me to friends, she met my family and we had trips together, enjoyed activities together and it was lovely. Then almost out the blue she told me she had doubts, that she didn’t think she loved me and that this relationship wasn’t for her.

[@ashton1952]

I can imagine men getting addicted to the euphoria of the chase and honeymoon period; this could be a trap for men in general I think, def those who are emotionally unavailable and also the dismissive avoidant. With the female avoidant it's different because of staying loyal to one narc or EU guy in a fake relationship for years and years. It's just too scary to find something real because the person can really dump you.

[@lauraf.e2788]

Oh my god. I had been long-term friends/FWB with a guy who is clearly a dismissive avoidant. He lovebombed me for years, but I was never sure. There were too many red flags. With me back in the area he lived in, we met up and finally had sex. I started to catch feelings for him. He then ghosts me 2 days later right before Christmas! I then happen to bump into him in a bar with someone else --- he completely blanks me. Next, he is messaging me about his longing for "the love of his life." Some mystery woman who is unavailable. I couldn't believe his insensitivity. He has now gone completely cold. It's been harrowing and very hurtful.

[@ashton1952]

Could also be a covert narc, they charm you for years, keeping you deceived about who they really are; manipulators. They set up love triangles, and you're the jealous one and the other person is just a friend (with benefits lol), they cause fights and it's always your fault, they'll use you for every resource possible. If you want to test if it's a DA or a narc, 1. check for victim mentality (narc); and 2. try giving money or expensive presents. DA's don't want to be beholden; narc will soon be back for more.

[@brennam954]

Block him.

[@formalhault5820]

Your first problem is you got into a FWB situation with someone... I don't know how this winded up being years but hey. DAs love these kinds of scenarios.

[@joannewoodcroft1038]

I just broke up with an avoidant, and it was the most frustrating relationship I have ever been in. Unfortunately, he was in the midst of a divorce so once the honeymoon phase was over, it was all downhill. In my eyes I feel they have never experienced true unconditional love. Once, its given to them they feel the need to be disrespectful and put you at the bottom of the priority list. Hmmmm, he did say he learned a lesson, which I hope serves him well, and helps him heal. I also learned about this attachment style, which is not for me. I will be able to see the signs, and yes leave sooner rather than later. I am the short term Phantom EX✌️❤️

[@silvermine2033]

My avoidant ex never reached back out to me.

[@kanthkanthan]

Me and my girlfriend were relationship for five months now we broke up due to a big fight now Her mother and sister knew this How to make her fall in love again she had one previous boyfriend and boy bestie

[@shesmellow]

Question: Is the ring you are wearing a wedding ring? What did it take for you to get to that level of your relationship? What made you want to give up the phantom ex or return to them for good?

[@Swiss_Girl]

never text them first, because they think you still want them back

[@MB-Music23]

I would’ve never pegged you as DA, Chris. Do you still test DA now or secure leaning DA, or secure with no DA lingering anymore?

[@chrisseitercoaching]

I think I try to be secure and succeeds most of the time but every so often something will trigger me and I’ll go quiet for a bit.

[@MB-Music23]

@@chrisseitercoaching you still go quiet at times when triggered, wow that very insightful. I am really thankful for your content. Everything comes full circle here and genuinely helps to understand the DA partner here. My biggest issue was not giving him that space and time when he’s triggered or feelings are growing and so it’s great to understand especially today why they need it and why it’s so important to give it to them and trust the process vs anxiety.

[@nikolettavarga8351]

@@MomandBuggs i think they give them too much autonomy...

[@sixtaarrietapadilla6207]

So, what makes an avoidant stay?

[@konvict451]

Sounds like a goddamn child.

[@marieattard7644]

Can a dismissive avoidant person talk online to you for months where you haven’t met up yet? Or would they get bored to stick around?

[@darlingnikki869]

@@wardahasin3417 After a "real" relationship it became his way to still "have a relationship" but from far away, because "real life" was "too close" - and I'm a secure leaning avoidant, so plenty of space and no needy/clingy behaviour at all. I said I was not interested in "just texting", he got really mad and hurt. Which made me sad, but hey, this cannot work for me the way it is. That's a kind of love starvation for the people who have no problem with love. Still want to make it work though, so "broke up" of the "I have no idea now" only-texting-breadcrumbing "relationship" and went into a "no contact" period (6 weeks or something), but since we were in a ethical non-monogamous relationship (kinda mandatory with a DA...) I can also see other people. I may become the short-term phantom ex along with the "long-term" one he was engaged to before...

[@cangrejitamiry]

They can. I think 99% of the tinder penpals are DA.

[@sebastiengarnier6664]

SO at 2:19 "almost everything said there is not true", then at 5:17 "when their honeymoon period ends they leave the relationship the doomsday clock has struck 12". Yeah sure

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

So they are capable of love but not really ... this is the conclusion

[@jacklyn9817]

real question, how can you tell if someone is a DA or maybe he's just falling out of love for you or worse, just an ass?

[@ambersmith9563]

It depends how long you have been together and how many ups and downs have happened in terms of him not being sure and wanting to leave, staying, and then repeating the cycle until he breaks up with you.

[@LauraMonk9]

Wouldn’t it make sense for an avoidant to date an avoidant?

[@Meadowflames]

👏 yes

[@formalhault5820]

One becomes anxious and then the relationship ends.

[@VidarTemte]

There is just too much speculation in this video

[@gregkral4467]

we are only like that because of abuse. But still hurts that so many see us as pos's. But whatever, am sure those comments are from single narcissists.

[@carriejaworski3479]

My avoidant ex just broke up with me a week ago after 12 years of being together. Throughout that time. I’d say most of it… we were very much in love and I’m still in love. Needless to say he refuses to talk to me and has given me the silent treatment. He refuses to break. This is not the first time he has given me the silent treatment and I’m really trying to understand this attachment style so that if there is a reconciliation I can better attend to his needs. Some avoidants are worthy of love and I hope the day will come soon that I’m able to show him that. I miss him so much already.

[@TeaLaRee]

Look up the stages of narcissim. You're in the discard phase and avoid hoovering.

[@tinacanavan7477]

So not worth it

[@Swiss_Girl]

did he ever reach out?❤

[@ashton1952]

By 'avoidant' can I assume you're referring to the dismissive avoidant; there's also the fearful and anxious types... or all three?

[@sixtaarrietapadilla6207]

So, what makes an avoidant stay?

[@edithamaliaioo2228]

Basically nothing, so the title to this video is false.