I regret staying with a Japanese host family | storytime: Exchange year in Japan

[@jeremypermen1702]

You seem like such a sweet person... Thank you for sharing that story. Damn, I'm so lucky to live in a place where we'd consider the values of your host family to be the weird ones!

[@thing176]

Exchange programs w/host families really can be hit or miss - I did a high school exchange for 1yr and my host family was awesome and I definitely think that's a huge part of why I have so many great memories there. I struggled A LOT more with making friends that lasted - I would go out w/someone ONCE and then they would stop responding/phase me out out of their live (at least that's what it felt like) and in some cases just straight up ghost me. Not sure if people just had commitment issues or what the underlying reason was but I'm so glad I had my host family to fall back on.

[@thelanguagecaviller3657]

I did an exchange in Spain but only for a measly two weeks, but it's crazy how wildly different of an experience we had. My host mother was warm, the foreigners I met were great and happy to go out and get to know others, and the general environment was one of fun, social acceptance. You can have the most beautiful location in the world, but without the right people around, it's still going to be hard to be happy. The people in our life are what makes it so special. Thanks for sharing your experience.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Yah I don''t know what it was, I guess some people you mesh with better than others. I absolutely agree, having the right people around you is so so important. Once I had found my peeps in Japan we had a lot of fun together and my experience as a whole drastically improved 😊

[@ooupskitty7006]

Soooo true! I had also a great exchange (but in S.Korea). But it was not without difficulties. I had to move from one family to another. The first didn’t want me to stay because the family was away for a few days. Why not talk about this with the company (I planed the stay with a company)?! I was a bit sad. But it was not a big deal. The other family was also great. I could talk about the difference a bit. But it was still a good stay!

[@lorenabarzanti2729]

Thanks for your honesty. My daughter (18) will be going to Japan in a year or so and is good to hear from all perspectives specially as most of what you hear is mostly “amazing”… I’m sorry that your host family failed to welcome you and hope you will have many great intercultural experiences in the future.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

I think changing the environment is one of the best things you can do. It is incredibly challenging, but also really rewarding - in a way it builds a lot of character (and makes for great memories and stories). I hope your daughter enjoys her time in Japan!

[@amymoseleysmith7494]

Thank you for your transparency. I am so sorry for your UNNECESSARY pain as an exchange student in Japan! You are a woman of depth & character. You know WHO you are and who you ARE NOT. Don't ever change. I would be blessed to have YOU in my social circle!❤

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Thank you for saying that ❤ while I was hurting at the time, I can now look back at the experience and just accept that what happened happened. Can't get along with everyone haha. I also learned to take care of myself better and eventually to just let go of the resentment.

[@southnoon5808]

jeez those discord messages reflect some of my thoughts and exchange experiences to an extent its scary. its not easy to share that. mad respect for your honesty

[@niket527]

Why do they even bother being a host family if they're gonna do stuff like that?

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Haha I'm not sure either. I think it can be hard to understand what exchange students go through, but considering that they hosted other people before me you'd think they know a little more about how to do the whole homestay thing. I was told though that the people that stayed before me were very much into the party life, which might've influenced their expectations of what exchange students want/need. At the end of the day it is what it is. It took me a while, but I think I can live in peace just accepting that sometimes people have different expectations and ideals, and that they weren't trying to be mean to me specifically, and that it's nothing to do with me personally 😌

[@fdpeldfitohsmn2291]

Was her host family really a Japanese family?

[@Call-me-Al]

​@@fdpeldfitohsmn2291 Japanese people aren't scifi clones, even though many Japanese want to imagine that.

[@akiraaoi18]

Thank you for sharing your story … This sadly wasn’t a good experience for you and I feel sorry for your experienced loneliness. The host family seemed really selfish. I was an exchange student in France and my host family was the opposite - like it should be. A lot of young people are rather shy and more vulnerable - host families should consider this.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Thank you for your kind words ♡ It took me a while to process everything, but I think I ended up learning a lot about myself from it. I'm glad to hear that you had a good experience with your host family!

[@handle-dash-numbers]

My understanding is that Japanese culture puts a ton of pressure on people to hurry up and get married, and that reduced career opportunities for women creates even more pressure on women to marry for financial benefit. With that in mind, your host mom's conversation makes a lot more sense.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Yea I understand how her story makes sense in her cultural context, but I still don't think it's something you tell your exchange student over a cup of tea. But maybe it's just not as much of a taboo topic in Japan as it is in Germany so she didn't particularly think that she was saying something shocking (from my pov).

[@handle-dash-numbers]

@@emisnikki-polygloddess I agree. The thing I can't help but wonder is how a similar conversation might have played out with someone less shallow than her. I don't think it's uncommon for some people to experience a "I wonder if I made the right choice" point in their marriages. And especially in a culture that puts so much pressure on women to hurry up and get married, I can imagine this easily being a fairly common woman-to-woman bonding experience. But she wasn't saying "I wish I waited to find a kinder and more generous man" or "I wish I found someone who made me laugh," of something substantive. Her complaints are petty trivialities, reflecting how she is little more than a petty, trivial person.

[@dannikregel9937]

@@emisnikki-polygloddess sounds like she really did her best to connect with you and be open and honest- which is a very hard thing for japanese people to do... ich denk, du hast das in den falschen hals bekommen, was verständlich ist unter den erschwerten umständen. aber ganz ehrlich, ich fands wahnsinnig stark und ehrlich von ihr dir ihre lebensgeschichte zu erzählen, meinst du nicht?

[@BokushingusKendoTV]

You have to understand, your host family was in the same situation as you. They didn’t know anything about you or your home country. Also, it’s really hard to have a host student. We had one for two week. Because we were half Japanese family. Both my kids were half. I’m American, my wife was from Tokyo, but has been in America for 20 at this point. Both my son & daughter were preparing for college and busy with activities and their lives. So they did not want to be stuck with a shy teenager from Japan that barely spoke English. She stayed in her room mostly crying. My wife did try to take her places. But mostly she just wanted to go to Japanese markets. It was an extremely difficult two weeks for both sides. We didn’t do host family anymore. The first time i went to Japan, i discovered, its very fast paced. My 日本語 was not up to par… and i would get mentally exhausted. I could only last for a week. But i went back 10 years later for Kendo and vacation, and i enjoyed it immensely. Two factors helped: i was more mature and i started alone, & i understood the culture more and could speak & read more 日本語 . I think once you are a stronger adult, and more mature, you should take a vacation and go there on your own. You will enjoy it more. Also your opinion of the host mother because of her choices was a little too judgmental. When she was growing up, Japan had a lot patriarchal aspects in their culture. And actually, throughout the world, there are a lot of women that would prefer to be Homemakers. So for them, they must marry the right person. Anyway that’s my thought as i have experienced as a host family.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Thank you for your insight on this topic as someone who has hosted a student before. I understand that it must've been a difficult situation for your and your family, especially given the circumstance you described. Living with a host family for me was a learning experience more than anything that I came out of knowing more about myself than before. I did overall have a really good time in Japan and I'm excited to go back eventually - in a different context obviously.

[@Денис-з9о6ж]

Thank you for the video, i m sorry for your experience. This video deserves more views.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I learned my lessons and managed to move on 😊

[@pearlywong]

I watched the whole episode and I must say that I think you were already very strong and courageous at that time. I used to live in Japan and I totally understand how sometimes (even for a fellow Asian (Taiwanese) like me who look alike them and with similar cultures) can be extremely difficult to get along with local Japanese even if you speak their language. btw I think you are a very good storyteller, I thoroughly enjoyed the whole video👍😆

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Thank you for saying that ❤ I bet you had your own set of problems to deal with while you were there too, but I hope that you enjoyed your time there nevertheless.

[@manray6584]

Hey. I'm going to Japan this next fall semester. And I am on the fence about staying with a host family or staying in a dorm. But I don't think I am stuck with a host family. It is the cheaper of the two options and I think it will be a good language practice option. So if I don't like my host family I could move to a dorm. I just hope that I get a good match in terms of personality.

[@ruminarain5389]

Wow what an experience you had in Japan, usually I only hear a life-changing good experience from foreigners so it was kind of shocking to hear that the lady made you go through the nightmare and pains. I had a similar experience in US staying at American host family home. I felt like I am outsiders (I am but...) , felt like I was always on their way and not getting included in any family event/activities, evidently my 1st host mom was doing that for money not getting to know other country's cultures which she cared less from first place. I called up my agency and having them changed to different host family after 1 month of stay , 2nd host family was great, I actually stayed there for 3 years until I graduated. It is a past , can not change it but you should have changed to different one if you had a choice. I am sorry for your horrible experience in Japan and glad that you came strong. As a Japanese , shame on her that she could not perform ”おもてなし”。She might not be a real Japanese after all........

[@TakaD20]

I feel sorry for the host dad.

[@satoutatsuhiro866]

Understandable but a lot of the time the parter does know how thwir partner work. As long as they dont just lie about it its fine i guess. Its not like she treats tge husband badly. Its also somewhat of a cultural thing to care more about money so you and your family can feel financially safe. (East vs West) I watched the nnext sentence. So she does treat him badly omg gotta hate those people. Still the husband did decide to marry and stay with her.

[@southnoon5808]

did an exchange semester in germany and even though i love the country, the cities and there were many pros in general, my experience was so exhausting for multiple reasons as a broke erasmus student to the point that after these 6 months i was glad it was over. not sure why im mentioning that here, your experience in japan is still something vastly different, its probably because people here share their own not-so-positive stories of a student exchange and i feel kinda guilty still whenever i hear people sharing their exchange stories being always so positive when i cant really relate

[@angelaagapi7132]

You are a wonderful storyteller. Very articulate for English being your second language (you probably speak a few languages) I can’t imagine this experience, but I do know what it is like to move to a whole other country and to feel the way you did. I had a few traumatic experiences as well living abroad. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Thank you, it's really hard to put into proper words all the emotions and thoughts that come with going/living abroad - especially trying to share it with people who haven't made that same experience. I'm sorry you had traumatic experiences, I hope you'll recover from them 🍀

[@fujiwaramichaelm6686]

Wonderful narration.I'm glad you learned a lot as an exchange student. Something seems strange the organizers didn't exert more efforts in the "matching process". Before my aunt was taken in as a host, they were extensively vetted. When they passed, they were thoroughly briefed by the organizers.about the Do's & Don'ts.The organizers also had open lines of communication for both the host and the exchangee. My aunt was cited for her efforts in doing all she could to make the exhangees: experience happy and enjoyable time. At least you learned a lot. Thank you.

[@Camille-23]

That's ironic because usually it's the student who's like the host mom and the mom would have your value but in this case it's the opposite

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

It is a little ironic yea 😅 I guess I'm entering my granny era - but I love it!

[@nriamond8010]

I'm sorry that your experience was that bad! But it's important to talk about those things so that future exchange students know that it's not automatically sunshine and roses. Back in the nineties, my cousin (from my aunt's first marriage so she is a lot older than me) did an exchange year in the US and was stuck with a host family that did drugs and stuff like that - after that, my mom never allowed me to do an exchange year and I would not have wanted to go anyway because my cousin told such horrendous things about it 😄

[@rachelwalton3772]

I found your story very interesting and can see you've really learned a lot about yourself and the host family and you've come to understand the dynamic that was occurring when you were there. You were so strong to stick that out! It sounds like it was very difficult. Anyone would have found that very hard and it does sound like you suffered some trauma from the experience (not surprisingly!) I do have a question, our 16 year old (very quiet) son is going to stay in Japan for one month as an exchange student. His school has arranged it and there will be other students staying there also, in different homes. Can you give me any advice to give him about how to behave with a Japanese host family? What to do, or what not to do?

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Yea it definitely was a learning experience and took some time to process. Thank you for your kind words. Not sure if this is still relevant, but I'd recommend learning some general Japanese greetings "good morning" "thank you" etc. Depending on how good their English is try to speak a little slower. Also bring a little gift from your home country, maybe a snack or some famous sight.

[@Mateo-et3wl]

Hello, I've stayed with host "families" 4 times, all in france. My first time i was 20 and it was 1997. My host was in fact the only positive part of the experience, as the french university system is awful and the french students were too. My host, who was a 48 year old single guy, did his best to integrate me into his social life and help me with french. It was a little odd because he was my parents' age but i didn't mind. I was also socially starved and just happy to have anyone be nice to me. My last 3 experiences were in 2023, for 2 weeks each and also in french cities. Very similar situation... Single, much older people who were supportive and very sweet. They werr again the best part of the experience. French people i met outside the homestay were completely disinterested in meeting foreigners (this is just a defining and ugly parr of french culture). Anyway, here is my real point: every one of my hosts told me i was the exception to their regular experience hosting people. They said they had little personal connection with previous guests, who are usually young and drunk and frankly iditoic or immature. I think they're doing it to make some extra money and were just pleasantly surprided to have a different type of guest, so they were very open and friendly with me. If I'd had a bad host it would have killed a large part of what made these trips worthwhile. Nothing worse than being totally uncomfortable when you go home each day.

[@pey1123]

I feel like everybody who decided to go for host families in KGU was upset. Especially you, J', and I' (you know what I mean, yeah ?). Even though being in a dorm was not funny sometimes (especially because we couldn't invite people from outside, particularly boys, even if they were family members) it was the best option for me. Your host mom was crazy. Really. Listening to your experience 3 years later reminds me how lucky I was to have K' by my side at this time (Christmas and New Year spent together (also with you ;) ), when online classes due to covid started + summer holidays) because everybody left the dorm (we were only 2 foreigners remaining with M', and she was really doing her life on her side). I was completely alone too when the second semester started (we were only 2 in my class what a joke), but thanks to K' I always had someone to talk to, also his family was so kind to me. I remember that I was completely focused on having good grades that I didn't go out often during the first semester, but I used to go out and hang out with him so much when covid started. Basically, I had someone by my side for all these important events that occurred during my stay in Japan and this is why my experience there is really precious to me. I am also glad that I had a part-time job because I could talk to people who were not linked to school, which was refreshing. BTW, going to the cinema with you to watch movies I don't know anything about the story was one of my best memories in Japan. 🥺❤

[@robertakline9785]

Sorry to hear you didn't enjoy your time in Japan. You must remember you entered a completely different culture. If you listen to the story your host mother told you, she had a completely different set of values than you, and it doesn't make either of you bad just different. You said it yourself.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Yea absolutely. It took me a while to understand this too. At first (after returning to Germany) I was angry at my host family and wished for a different experience. I blamed myself for a lot of the things ("Maybe I should've tried harder...", "Maybe if I had done xyz I would've gotten along with them better..."), but as time passed I realized it wasn't me personally, it was just the difference that made it difficult. Luckily I also got to experience many of the good sides of being in Japan and being an exchange student, so it wasn't all just bad 😊

[@krnalarsati97LI]

o god listening to this actually scares me, and make me feel sorry . I do hope by the time you are not even expected people to take you anywhere.. and if they don't welcome you you meet warmer people!

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

It took me a while to come to terms with it, but I've learned a lot from the experience!

[@wynard]

Some people have this utiliy oriented way of living their life and most emotions seem to be a mere afterthought. It's all about keeping up appearances and everything they do has to result in making them look better to others. I believe that's just who your host mom was and deciding to be a host family was probably also a means to that end. It's not that uncommon to want to feel better than others but not many people take it this far.

[@whysoserious3002]

May I ask what program you went with ? Im doing a homestay starting tommorow in Japan and im terrified ill have a similar experince. Your reaction to it was 100% valid. I would feel discouraged too... I hope you eere able to gain back your love for it and hopefully in the future meet people in Japan who match you. It sucks to be introduced to the country in such a way.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Hey! It was a homestay program attached to the school, which is located in the Kansai area. I am really excited for you and hope you have a good time! It's very overwhelming at first, but nevertheless an awesome experience living in another country. I'm sure you'll have made a lot of experiences by the time your stay is over 😊

[@Bunny99s]

:D That host mum sounds very much like my german grandma. Always focused on what others think of you or your family. Status, status, status.... She's a lovely woman but a bit crazy.

[@andy91piratu]

The following thing applies to each person on this planet and each country, as well. We're all different on this planet, and as well each country is different, has it's own culture and such. Due to 1 unpleasent situation/ experience that you had, doesn't mean that everyone is the same in Japan, as well in Germany or any other country. Give it another go, maybe try to apply to jobs and then move to Japan again and make the best out of your life.

[@paulwalther5237]

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm surprised you lasted a whole year haha. I think it's really un-Japanese that your host family was critical of you being studious. I think you're right that the host mom just had a different set of values. I went to Fukuoka to study Japanese for 3 weeks at a language school and on the last day at the airport I ran into one of the teenage students with her host mom at the airport. I ended up talking to the host mom as we had to take a shuttle bus together and she found out I could speak Japanese and studied a lot. She then complained to me non-stop about how her exchange student didn't study Japanese while she was there in Japan (she went to class etc but didn't do any homework it seems). Total opposite of your experience. To me, anyone hosting someone from a foreign country should be very open minded, understanding, and accommodating. There's so many different kinds of people. I think sometimes you can really tell the people who have not spent time abroad themselves. If you have, then you're a lot more open minded. This also reminds me of high school. My dad studied German when he was growing up and liked to volunteer to host German exchange students. For the guys, he would kick me out of my room so they could have a proper room and bed to themselves. The girls would share my sisters room because my dad had given her the master bedroom in the house (he doted on her) and there was a lot of space. He was very considerate of the students and did everything to make sure they were comfortable etc. Of course he made sure the students ate dinner with the rest of us along with any other activities. Or at least he made the offer. Sometimes they spent time with us but also, as you can imagine, often they liked being alone too and didn't want to talk much. I did a homestay for a month with a family in France when I was in college. It wasn't terrible but I felt like they didn't like me and that took away from the experience. I basically decided if I study abroad (and I have) again, that I'd avoid a homestay. I think it can be invaluable if you get a good match but I'm just not willing to risk it. When you live by yourself it's a lot less intense of a cultural exchange experience but who wants to be stuck with a family they don't get along with?

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Hi Paul, I really appreciate you always writing out these long comments! I'm surprised I lasted that whole year tbh, now looking back at my diary and my chat logs; it was a struggle for sure. I think all the fun I had outside of my host family kinda made up for it though. I always say if I had lived in a dorm (maybe) my experience might've been a 10/10, but I can't know that of course. The dorm students had their own struggles to deal with. I think having had this experience (and generally having been abroad) made me a lot more understanding of what international students in Germany are going through/dealing with when they come here. I'd love to one day host international students, maybe not for a whole year, but for shorter periods of time I think it'd be a valuable experience being on the other side. I'm sorry you didn't have the best time with your host family either ;c Staying with a host family is super high risk, because it can really change the whole experience; I totally get you wouldn't want to risk it again, I wouldn't either should the opportunity arise.

[@paulwalther5237]

@@emisnikki-polygloddess I always think people hate long comments. But I’m just long winded.

[@busrider5343]

I agree your opinion, it's obviously There are so many different kids of pepole so if you feel good with your host family you can rely on them and stay but if not you should move on I mean looking for changing other host family who will fit you I am so sorry about your experiences in Japan. Hope you don't dislike Japan and Japanese.....

[@spencer5028]

I went to kansaigadai and skipped out on home stay because I thought it would be awkward. Got a house with another student the second semester, was pretty good

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

I'm so happy to hear that you had a good time! Did you organize the 2nd semester place yourself?

[@pitachipq]

Hi ! So I plan on doing this exchange program linked to my college and I was wondering if the university you attended in Japan was Kwansei by any chance? If so how were the classes, homework and exams? Or was it a different University?

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Hello, that is indeed the university I attended! Back when I went we could choose between a language track and some other track (I chose the language track, so I don't know what the other one was about). We had to participate in a placement test on our second day and I was placed in level 4 or 5, so I can't speak for any other levels. There were regular language classes, but we also had to choose some additional classes (like for example kanji, speaking, grammar etc.). I found that the classes were great, we were only 10 students or so, so we could each practice a lot, the teachers are very friendly and seemed genuinely excited to be teaching. I think the homework was fairly manageable for the most part, but it'll definitely take more than just scribbling down a few things after class. I hope that kind of answers your questions? If you have IG you can also reach out to me there if you have any other questions about the process or anything!

[@pitachipq]

@@emisnikki-polygloddess Yes this helps a ton! I'm so nervous for the rest of the process and getting accepted and stuff. Whats you IG? I have a few more questions about the programs and about other things as well. Thank you! :)

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

@@pitachipq It's such a nerve wrecking process, I understand all too well. You can find me if you look for "polygloddess". Just shoot me a dm and I'll try to answer your questions!

[@TravelDawg-kr3gz]

What's the incentive for host families? Do they get paid?

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

I mean ideally you'd host a student, because you're curious about other cultures and want to get to know different people maybe... not sure 😬 But yea, they do get compensated for hosting students. I calculated the daily rate, but can't remember anymore exactly. It was something between 15-18€ per day for 2 meals on weekdays and 3 on weekends, national holidays and breaks (Christmas, spring break etc.)

[@lililinda6947]

Was there somewhere you could give feedback to the program ? It sounds like they aren’t the right fit for that program and shouldn’t be involved

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

We were given a questionaire at the end of the program that'd let us rate our experience in general, but also about the host family. I left a comment, however I don't think that it'll necessarily change anything, because the problem seems to have been the mismatching personalities. But who knows, maybe they did talk to the family and gave them some feedback too 🤔😯

[@saffle82]

Bless you heart! You are a wonderfully gentle and loving person. I can tell. You’re stronger than you realize. I wish you God’s blessings! You deserve them!

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

That is so sweet, thank you! I'm in a much better spot now and certainly learned a lot from the experience. I wish you all the best too!

[@craigdouglas7106]

Your experience with this particular host family was NOT a case of a "clash of cultures." You just had the wrong host family. This is not the first and only KZbin video I've seen about a bad Japanese host family. These bad experiences are the exception, not the rule. Most people I met that had the host family experience in Japan report nothing but a positive experience. From your description in the video, your college placed with this particular host family. You should notify the college and tell them about your experience so they don't place another home stay student with this family again.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

I think this was more of a "clash of personalities" of sorts. I remember them telling me that they had exchange students before that would go out all the time and go party, and I could totally see how that'd change a lot of the dynamic.

[@nicjansen230]

There are good and bad host families in any country, also depending on the type of person you are

[@vivaldesque]

It sounds like it was a real mismatch and your host mom had superficial values. One could imagine that the family wanted to host a foreigner as a kind of status symbol. Also, while you were really focused on learning Japanese they were perhaps hoping to learn English from you and didn’t want to help you learn Japanese. Do you think that’s true? Anyway, your English seems more or less perfect. Is there a particular reason for that?

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Yea I agree, can't get along with everyone I guess 😁 They did not make the impression of wanting to learn English from me, no. They seemed in fact quite relieved that I spoke enough Japanese to somewhat communicate in only Japanese. Thank, I don't think that there is any one thing I did to get good at English, it's more the sum of everything coming together. I have been learning for 15 years by now, had countless hours of classes, spent even more countless hours online chatting and talking to friends, my studies are in English and I like to think that I am attentive and try to notice new things. Which of these had the biggest effect, I can't say 😭😭

[@anicrowsenjixd8918]

How was the host sister? Didn't you get along well?

[@arthurcooper]

I reached a decent level of fluency in Korean when I lived in Seoul (friendships, novels, watching TV, etc.) but some negative experiences really soured me on Korea, and as a result I lost motivation to study after I left and even though I still understand a lot, I've also lost some confidence in my speaking which used to feel pretty fast and effortless. Still, all of Korea isn't to blame for my weird go of things, right? lol. A few years later, now maybe I think it's sometimes important to separate a passion for a language from specific events, people, and places. Otherwise, you end up like we both did -- perhaps unfairly associating our language learning with something else entirely. The target language trauma effect? hah. Thanks for the video. 정말 수고했어요.

[@huguesdepayens807]

Yes it is, stop worrying about the yellow people, get over your yellow fever, learn more European languages.

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Target Language Trauma Effect 😂😂 Love it! I absolutely agree though, and I'm sorry to hear you shared similar feelings towards Korea. I think that as with many things in life we eventually learn to let go, or to just accept that things happened the way they did, and to not let them take away from our future joy. Japan is such a beautiful country and I hope to go back eventually and enjoy it to the fullest, when less resentment is in my heart influencing my view on it.

[@southnoon5808]

can relate to some extent. you're 100% right. much love to y'all

[@tabithadelk1441]

I would have loved to go to those places with you!

[@rocketmangenesis]

Change title from "I regret staying with a Japanese host family" to "How I Overcame and Learned More About Values Via Host Family". :)

[@Brolaub]

Did they not have dinner around the same time every day? I find it hard to believe that you missed out on dinner regularly because they didn't call you. They probably excpected you to adapt to their routine, which is not a big ask. You are a guest after all, and you can always ask in the morning when Dinner will be that day. Normally it should always be around the same time anyways, especially on weekdays. Or you could just spend some time studying japanese in the evening directly at the dinner table. That way you can't miss dinner, plus you always have a person around if you have any questions! I had 4 homestays in Japan, and my experience ranged from "meh, forgettable" to "best time of my life". After I had the "meh" experience in 2019, I asked myself for the reasons. Turns out it was mostly me. I think I went to my room too often! I should've been less passive (waiting for the family to invite me etc.) and taking the initiative more often. I think simply hanging out in the living room goes a long way. Even if you're just watching TV together or something, you will create a bond over time and have a good time for sure! During my last homestay this October in Kyoto, I went to a german Bakery and brought home some Bretzen for my family on the first weekend. They were really happy about the gift and were noticably warmer afterwards! The second week I got them some cake and it felt like the ice with the host father and son had fully melted after that. I still could't really connect with the host mother, she always seemed really frustrated with my japanese level (N5) and often rolled her eyes and sighed when I didn't understand something she was saying. I found that to be pretty rude, but on the other hand N5 is a low level and it can be stressful having to repeat a sentence more than once. I still had a good time overall, and I realized I still have a long way to go with my language learning! What I'm trying to say is that you should first look inwards after a (bad) homestay. Were you a fun person to hang out with? Did you create interesting conversations? Were you open for new things even if you thought they were rude or weird at first? Please don't be discouraged and if you have the chance, give homestays another try! :)

[@Mario-vs6dc]

I find it surprising that you decided to do a year of exchange in a country that is culturally so far from European countries without first learning about the culture of the country and trying to understand it somewhat. Unfortunately, through your speech, it does not seem that you made the effort to understand it when you stayed there and only noted that the values were different without ever trying to understand the reasons for these differences. It's too bad. Japanese culture is rich and complex, made up of customs and traditions, and judging it based on the values of its country of origin can only lead to dead ends. Your host family probably tried to bond with you, but you didn't understand it because you expected them to behave like your compatriots would. What your host mother told you about finding a husband was an important point in the women's culture of her time, but you definitely decided it was wrong based on the values of the society you grew up in, always lived without wondering why it was different in Japan. I am sorry to tell you that you have missed out on the wealth of this country because of a narrow vision of the world and a certain lack of open-mindedness. Yes, cultures are different depending on the country and even more so if the historical and cultural roots are different. I invite you to read some works on cultural differences and you will see that even geographically close countries can present major cultural differences which greatly complicate collaborations between companies in these countries. Perhaps with age you will become more tolerant and understand that it is up to you to adapt to the country you are staying in and not expect locals to behave as your relatives would. This is what I hope most for you. Kind regards.

[@fil_britbunnyboi872]

Well said 👏👏👏

[@Player-re9mo]

Get off your high horse! Her host family barely did anything for her except giving her a place to stay. Why even become a host family if you're gonna put zero effort in helping the foreigner become familiarized with your home country? Adapting to a different culture is a difficult process and it requires initiative from both sides! How could she integrate into the new environment if they didn't even acknowledge her presence? Smh

[@Mario-vs6dc]

@@Player-re9mo Those who go to another country must adapt to the culture of the country, not the other way around. Otherwise, my horse is fine, thank you.

[@stevegonzales527]

@@Player-re9moshe really dropped the ball on this one. She’s focused on herself only. Japanese people are really friendly with tourist if you are respectful. Even translating through the phone is appreciated and really appreciated if you try to speak their language and will help you.

[@faith65]

This is not a cultural problem. This is an individual family problem. My Japanese host family was nothing like this. They did all they could to make me feel like one of the family and I am still in contact with them to this day. I’ve heard host family horror stories but it is not the norm. It really depends on the individual family

[@fil_britbunnyboi872]

I just find it silly that you wanted to be treated as part of the family. But the moment your host mum openned up to you about her past, you judged and ridiculed her. Sounds more like a YOU problem

[@Player-re9mo]

As if the mother didn't judge her for not partying and getting wasted!

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

I feel like there are a few stages between not even being called for dinner and trauma dumping your relationship problems, but maybe you're right and that was her attempt of connecting with me...

[@iloki_]

Krasse Geschichte und sehr krasses Englisch

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

Danke 😳

[@nanneli]

The issue: Go to a different country and family and expect them to adapt to you, instead of the other way around. Why didn’t you get out of your room and participated instead of waiting in a closed door room for someone to come plead you to join?

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

For a second I read "adopt" instead of "adapt" and I was like wth I didn't want to be adopted 😂 But who said I didn't try to participate? Try to talk to them about their day and mine after I got back from school? Or after I was out exploring? Ask if I could help make dinner.

[@ルユク-h3h]

Everyone: ohh poor you sorry they did that to you. Me living in japan: nooo you were wrong. You not the main character. You had to put yourself more into their life. Atleast they gave you food. Their life goes on you just need to adapt. Japanese culture is not for you 😂😂😂😂 you germans always think its all about you.

[@ooupskitty7006]

😂😂😂 Ehmmm OK. Thanks for your extreme judgement. I‘m German & no it’s not about us. This story is about her & her experience. And my stay in S.Korea was a great one. Go on & be rude towards others. 🤦🏼‍♀️

[@mrt2928]

Seems like you built-up a fairytale experience in your head and now you're upset it didn't happen, you wanted them to automatically accept and treat you like a family member, its a rual area why did you expect ample wifi, if they went out and left you food you complained, did you ever step back and think what are you doing that could be abrasive, did you ever think you're not the center of their universe

[@emisnikki-polygloddess]

It is definitely true that I had an idealized version of Japan and of staying with a host family in my mind before going there. I'm (unfortunately) also aware of the fact that I'm not the center of the universe (except for in my own universe), but it was as if they had rather me not even be a part of their universe at all, which for someone offering another person to live with them is quite weird, to say the least. I'm also not sure where you got the information from that I lived in a rural area? Unless everything outside of downtown Tokyo is rural... then that assumption would be right 🤔

[@StonkeyKong]

Honestly just sounds super entitled. I’ve seen some Americans act like this, but it was a bit surprising that Germans could act the same way.

[@henrymolloy4719]

sorry say at home