I was a Peace Corps Volunteer: Dark Thoughts, Depression, and Suicide

Peace Corps isn't a walk in the park and there are certainly days or weeks filled with bad moments where the thought, "I wish it would just end" can find its way into your head.
For me, I was never seriously depressed or sad during my Peace Corps service but I did have a bad first year where I thought some really bad, unhealthy things.
One time, it happened when I got really sick and thought jokingly about writing my last words. That joke became a serious consideration of whether it would really be a bad thing if I died. It might change how people viewed my failures and my inability to turn things in my classroom up to that point. I got over that sickness and still had some dark thoughts though about how I wanted to die if I did so as a Peace Corps Volunteer. I also struggled with food as I found food intake to be the aspect of my initially chaotic Peace Corps life where I could actually exert control, despite if my decisions were unhealthy.
My thoughts on the opinions of others if I died there and food were not good thoughts. Perhaps I should have shared them with others while I was there because thinking back, there was a risk that they could have become something worse.
Luckily my second year found me healthier, doing better in the classroom, and eating better. Other volunteers were also doing better. Our support network was really good. Even if we weren't sharing private thoughts, there's comfort in sharing with others.
I know I wasn't alone in having dark thoughts and others definitely had it worse. One volunteer left because the PCMO diagnosed her as depressed in a single phone call. Other volunteers undoubtedly left on their own because they recognized they were in a bad situation and the best solution was that plane ticket home. I don't know if anyone was ever suicidal and Peace Corps has few deaths because of it (1 in 20 years) but I wouldn't doubt it if some people had suicidal thoughts.
I applaud all the people who recognized they were in a bad spot and made the decision to leave. Peace Corps knows it doesn't have the professional staff available for handling these cases. They put a lot of energy and effort into making sure Peace Corps volunteers themselves can act as a strong support network. It's not perfect but it's something.
Overall, Peace Corps volunteers enjoy their experience. But be aware that just like any job or place in the world, you can have dark thoughts which can lead to darker things. Sharing with other volunteers is often the best form of therapy available.

[@cydmclaren7905]

I was a PCV in Guatemala 1991-1994. I had the MOST beautiful site in the world. I remember sitting in a chair overlooking all this beauty and thinking it would be so much easier if I were not there anymore. Luckily I went in to the office and found one of our nurses there. When I told her I was thinking about killing myself, she said do you have any plans. I said no, I thought I would talk to someone first. She was an amazing resource and things changed from there.

[@dawanrobinson5697]

Wow! That's so intense. Thank you so much for sharing! Some volunteer sites can be so beautiful and calm but the volunteer can still have stress that just makes everything so difficult, even if just for a moment. Thanks again for sharing and yes, PCMOs and nurses are prepped to ask these questions and make sure volunteers get the help they need.

[@nicoleflood8537]

Thank you for this video. I wanted to join the Peace Corps. I'm graduating from HS 2018. I been trying to research the other side of being in this volunteer. I see everyone on KZbin put things that they did positive but not their troubles during those two years. I'm really happy that you share the real side of what people may or may not feel in PC.

[@dawanrobinson5697]

Thank you for commenting! and yeah, real life isn't all cupcakes and sprinkles. A lot of volunteers do have great experiences but almost all have a few bad moments as well. That's life in general.

[@NRIH144]

Romans 10;9 = Eternal life+++

[@rafaelvillavicencio9800]

Thanks for sharing this important subject. I’m a practicing Catholic. Would praying help?

[@dawanrobinson5697]

How you handle stress depends on what works best for you. I'd say any time you don't bottle anything up is better

[@rafaelvillavicencio9800]

@@dawanrobinson5697 Thank you, Dawan!

[@markjohnson9012]

I really appreciate you taking the time to make these brutally honest vlogs about service in PC. Thank you.

[@dawanrobinson5697]

Thank you for watching!

[@NRIH144]

Romans 10:9 = Eternal life+++

[@williamoliver9988]

Thank you! This has been helpful. I've been thinking about PC Zambia and I hope similar things apply there.

[@dawanrobinson5697]

You're welcome! I'm sure there are a lot of similarities but do reach out to RPCVs from Zambia and find out more from them!

[@dawanrobinson5697]

For Returned Peace Corps Volunteers, @alexleedsmatthews is looking to discuss mental health issues and experiences for an article. She has a pretty wide scope. Please reach out to her on Facebook at the @ or [e-mail]

[@belle4978]

Well said Dawan! I have considered Peace Corps 3times and I never finished the application. I just found the whole process a little bit problematic knowing that new volunteers constantly get to come in and leave while those countries are still dealing with a lot of issues. Yes, it is a wonderful commitment to do and changing 1 life is better than not changing any but 27 months is a long time for most people so it totally make sense that some could not stay. Are you fulfilled in your current position now? Do you feel that peace corps helped you tailor a better well rounded resume? All the best!

[@dawanrobinson5697]

Hi Belle! Thanks for watching! I will say that a good quarter of my department and perhaps entire office are returned Peace Corps Volunteers--they're people who are interested in international development and have shown that they can work in nonprofits (low pay) and come up with innovative ideas on how to succeed. It might not be a great formula or aspect to consider but a lot of companies do value it. That being said, there are many people in my office who were never volunteers but have either finance backgrounds or experience with nonprofits.

[@garylang1993]

Awesome video, thanks :)

[@anam.8234]

Thank you for sharing!

[@homieherm]

I also thank you for this video! I am graduating undergrad & chose Peace Corps Benin! Your video taught me to prepare myself mentally and emotionally for my service. Love all your vids btw, esp the sexuality one!

[@dawanrobinson5697]

Thanks for watching! Hopefully my videos do more good than not. Do talk to others as even RPCVs from my own country can have wildly different experiences.