Internalized Homophobia | A Therapist Explains

[@guyafrica7894]

You're so genuine and helpful. Thank you for your insightful observations

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you so much for watching! 🩷🩷

[@jonathanpinson8675]

Four more years and I will be the first to like and comment. I love this channel, it is my soundtrack at home, especially within earshot of suspected homophobes.

[@Reed5016]

Story time: I recently found out that my grandmother (who was one of my biggest supporters) is actually pretty bigoted. She’s usually pretty progressive, but we recently had a conversation about my being queer. She’s told me for years to not label my sexuality, because she said I was “too young to know.” I always assumed she was just being a little ignorant. But recently, we were talking about how I’m bisexual and romantically attracted to women. She suggested to me that I’m not romantically interested in men is due to trauma, and essentially, I would date men if I “just got over the trauma.” To be fair, trauma involving men has impacted me. Particularly, it led me to seeking male validation when I was younger, and I’ve recently abandoned that. Now, I’m truly happy and feel like myself with women. Another thing to take into consideration is that I’ve been traumatized by women too (in fact, even more by women). And I still feel attracted to women, despite the trauma. I genuinely feel so invalidated and insulted by what my grandmother said to me. Especially considering that I’ve been a legal adult for a while, and I’m very sure of how I feel. Another part of me wonders if her judgment is ableist too, as I’m autistic. A lot of people (in my experience) seem to believe autistic people have a lower understanding of their own feelings, and are confused. Which, to me, is completely disrespectful and absurd. A lot of autistic people I know (myself included) are introspective to the point of obsession. If anyone understands themselves well, it’s autistic people.

[@elking8373]

I am in your same boat! Autistic “woman” (woman aligned nonbinary) who always liked girls/women, but conformed to straight/bi passing as a way to mask. “If I can keep this relationship with a boy I’m not attracted to, I’m proving to other people that I’m making it in society and am a worthy, attractive person.” I faced more trauma from women too, because I was too attached, couldn’t match up to social expectations. The girl would distance herself or have a more domineering girl ‘steal her’ away from me. Guys generally aren’t cliquey so I went the path of least resistance.

[@Reed5016]

@@elking8373 That is definitely something I resonate with. My biggest thing is this though: I don’t want to wake up when I’m fifty years old next to a man. That’s been one of the things I’ve dreaded the most since I was a child (about 5 or 6). The idea of marrying a man was so far off the table, that whenever anyone mentioned it, or said “when you get a boyfriend” I would get incredibly upset and distressed. But the second I heard I could marry a woman, I started fantasizing about what it would be like to wake up to a woman next to me when I’m fifty. And I can definitely say that it’s a fantasy I really enjoy thinking about, and hope I can make a reality.

[@elking8373]

@@Reed5016 yes, same! I know there are “good guys out there” but that means nothing if I don’t want to find/be with them. I’d much rather have them as friends. Cheers to us finding wives!

[@Reed5016]

@@elking8373 Cheers.

[@KellyRMinter]

@reed5016 I am so sorry, that must have been so hard, to have someone you thought was in your corner so clearly misrepresent and misunderstand who you are. You didn't deserve that. Her take is incorrect, and I think you know that from your post but I also want to say it here also. Thanks for watching 💜💜

[@Percydoesstuff]

This was eye opening and gave me a new perspective. Thank you

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you for watching! ❤️❤️

[@lorettajoy7275]

Self-sabotaging for me, i think, may also have been (past tense because i'm working to overcome) due to the pieces/parts deeply buried in the subconscious who were taught being lesbian was one of the worst things one could be, and thus being terrified of feeling/"becoming" that. Believe there were threats of being kicked out of home & disowned at around age 13 by the father (causing fear of becoming homeless in the middle of the countryside with only religious relatives around who would also have shunned), and later threats of the "Father figure" casting out of home/heaven & disowning (again the threat of homelessness and being lost to family) and into eternal punishment after death. So how was it safe to feel?? It wasn't and these are the subconscious programs to dismantle so that they don't cause unconscious sabotaging. Thank you

[@KellyRMinter]

You are so right, there isn't a way to feel safe in those settings. To be taught that there is nothing redeeming about a certain identity would also instill a fear if you ever had a hunch you were connected to that identity. I am sorry that was something you were exposed to 🩷🩷

[@monsieur-le-chupacabra]

The funny thing is it wasn’t straight society that made me homophobic; it was the gay community that taught me to hate myself. Maybe you could talk about that.

[@KellyRMinter]

Can you say more about your experience? You can feel free to email me, my email is in the description. ❤️❤️

[@ylana4444]

Wow…I think I’m that person who has to be with an “objectively beautiful woman” I wonder about myself sometimes…I’m such a cougar…why? I think this may be the answer. To have my identity be more “accepted” in society. This is a major insight for me.. Not sure what I want to do with this …. Food for thought in therapy possibly…. :)

[@KellyRMinter]

It's definitely an understandable thing if you ARE motivated that way! We certainly live in a world that makes that make sense, right? 💛💛

[@OscarDirlwood]

I reject it on the basis that it's not a matter of attention, but has transcended into a political culture based on hedonism and debauchery. I would refuse to be associated with it

[@fdgreen1961]

I am dating a woman in her 60s that I believe exhibits internal homophobia by seeking heterosexual relationships in order to “stay in the closet” due to socialization (age, family, no disruption of lifestyle). We rarely intimate, never had sex.

[@rachelfarmer0277]

Impacking me enormously

[@KellyRMinter]

I'm glad you found this video 💜💜

[@VanessaMarieBooks]

#1 is interesting cause it's definitely not me. 😅 I'm usually NOT attracted to the "objectively beautiful" women. That's why I hardly ever had female celebrity crushes. My bisexual awakening was seeing a FB ad with a plus size lingerie model. While most of society may not like curvy/bigger women or see them as "objectively beautiful," they're gorgeous goddesses to me. 😁

[@dw5192]

3:26 respectability politics yes yes yes✨✨

[@KellyRMinter]

💜💜💜

[@michaelcrandall1569]

Congratulations

[@KellyRMinter]

Thank you 💙💙

[@romanticandperky]

You misunderstand again, Kelly: What you call 'internalized homophobia' is really deep inner love of one man for another. After all, if one man REALLY loved another man, why would he want his feces on his penis. Of course he would be afraid of that; that's no way to show love truly. What possesses people to believe that, Kelly? Which reminds me: When I was a kid, I had a psychiatrist whose son is 'gay'. This shrink would later write a successful book entitled-'Fear Of Success'. His son's name is Roland. Not too long ago, Roland went on youtube with a video where he tried to claim that 'homophobia is a mental illness'. We all grew up in the same town as Linda Blair. 'The Exorcist' is actually based on a true story, except in the original story it's a young man not a young girl, and he often went by the name Roland. His father, though he was Jewish, credits the Catholic church with saving his life

[@KellyRMinter]

I genuinely have no idea what your point is here. Are you saying internalized homophobia isn't real? Are you saying men who are gay are possessed by the devil? The very fact that you are equating REALLY loving someone to physical penetration demonstrates to me that there is a lot about this that you are really seeing. But also, I genuinely have to assume you're being intentionally obtuse because I can't believe that in 2024 someone can be that utterly unaware of what they are saying. What IS the way to show love truly, in your opinion?

[@romanticandperky]

@@KellyRMinter Let's straighten this out. Am I saying that 'internalized homophobia isn't real? No. It's bs, but it's unfortunate fact that there is TRULY a lot of bs going around. Am I saying that men who are 'gay' are possessed by the devil? Yes; and I do equate loving someone with male-to-male physical penetration. One of the most loving ways a man can love himself is to fear having another demon-possessed man desire his feces on his penis. I genuinely wish I wasn't aware of what I am saying. I know of what am saying. I was once an effing a##hole myself. What IS the way to show love truly, in my opinion? The truth is that, personally speaking, I'm not completely sure, but I have this sudden desire to kiss you on your cheeks-all four of them! You probably hate me by now; and I couldn't blame you, but I really do think you're attractive. The truth, the way that I know it, can be offensive, and I'm capable of pissing people off; but there's something about you I like. Please take that as a compliment.

[@romanticandperky]

Slight correction: I meant to say that there REALLY is a lot of bs going around. TRULY, there is!

[@KellyRMinter]

The fact that you would think I would find anything complimentary in anything that you have said demonstrates that you are not paying attention.