Invisible Diversity: A Story Of Undiagnosed Autism | Carrie Beckwith-Fellows | TEDxVilnius

What is autism and why is it difficult to get it diagnosed? In her talk Carrie shares her own personal journey towards diagnosis of autism: why it took 35 years, and what are the root causes for such invisible diversity?
Carrie Beckwith-Fellows is a freelance writer and vlogger from England. She has written for various online publications, including The Huffington Post, Autistica, the National Eating Disorders Association USA and her own blog, where she shares the reality of living with autism and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, a complex and life-limiting illness. Diagnosed as autistic at the age of 35 has allowed Carrie to explore the world again from a new perspective. Aware that a late diagnosis can cause issues with identity, relationships and perception, she launched a website that explores the unique post-diagnosis experience to raise awareness and to support other autists diagnosed as adults.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

[@watersfan]

It's interesting how we all have that instinctual feeling of "something is not right" until we get an official diagnoses. I found out when I was 34, and I also strongly detest the high functioning and low functioning labels. The amount of times I've heard "well you've made it this far" makes me want to scream and shake in a corner. My self destructive behaviors started at age 11, and also included an eating disorder. It's masking, and should not be confused with thriving.

[@aliburch4273]

Mine started at 6, before I had properly acquired language ._. I've gotten fantastic at masking, after multiple back room meltdowns at my first fast food job in high school. Yet, it was still obvious to many people (admittedly folks who have family/friends with autism) that I'm autistic, but not that I'm (episodically)suicidally depressed!

[@Rlove8687]

Yes yes yes!!!!

[@laungvud]

Im 22 now and am just really geting into reaserch on asd and whether or not i might have a valid reason to go and get diagnosed. Ive allways had that feeling of being "wrong" somehow and part of me is excited to the thought of it being autism because id have finally found what it was and that there are other people in the world i can relate to for help and acceptance. Maybe i finally bring an end to the public meltdowns hahaha

[@duggydugg3937]

any improvement ?

[@duggydugg3937]

@@laungvud i think of myself as a square peg

[@MCP53]

And I was 66 before I realised I was autistic. What a relief! A long life of feeling guilt, but now I am just me :-)

[@angelinasouren]

Yep, you're perfectly fine, just the way you are. Everybody is.

[@2marth]

Good on you mate. 65yrs for me. Personally can't grasp the perspective of entitlement to support and understanding. I love life and my lone self.

[@maggi_tael]

@Weinstein Cosby I don't know about him, and I'm not diagnosed (but I think I'm autistic or aspenger's), but for me, the guilt is for thinking that the problem is with you, that you are the wrong one and it's your fault that you feel so weird compared to everyone. That's actually why I'm trying to figure out if I'm autistic or not, cause I feel so bad all the time, like I can never do anything right, like I don't belong anywhere and like I'll never feel comfortable living this life, I want to stop having these thoughts! I don't wanna think about suicide anymore, it makes my mom sad and makes me sad too. I don't wanna have to deal with such guilt throughout my entire life.

[@barefootincactus]

I am 63F, and the story of my life matches this so well. I wonder is it worth it to get diagnosed at this age? I want to know for sure even though I am now resigned to my life the way it is, and am relatively happy.

[@treasurechest2951]

If it’s feasible why not? Many people report feeling a weight lifted after an official diagnosis and. I wouldn’t discount what this can do for you. For me and many the feeling is tremendous and brings freedom at any age.

[@naomistarlight6178]

"I am high functioning but my autism is NOT mild" so true! Thanks for saying this! And that we feel emotions INTENSELY.

[@YKantLaurenRead88]

Try being bipolar and keep an interesting conversation with moods and voices and tards like you keeping me from my wallet.

[@YKantLaurenRead88]

At least I don’t have empathy/emotions to weigh me down

[@YKantLaurenRead88]

All my problems can be solved with money what is your excuse

[@apokalypse7777]

@@YKantLaurenRead88 I’m not sure what you are trying to say?? Are you being serious?

[@flappycelery]

@@YKantLaurenRead88 your sarcasm has no place here.

[@kelo7625]

"There are some days where I dont get dressed and i dont get washed because those tasks are overwhelming" I have never related to anything so much.

[@ron_peasley]

this. i relate so much to this. for future reference, i show most of the symptoms of adhd and want to get a diagnosis. for me, its extremely difficult for me to start showering, brushing my teeth, and organizing and cleaning my space. sure, i may go to the bathroom at 8:30pm, but i dont actually get in the shower until closer to 9pm. i almost always get distracted in the shower, causing me to take 20 minute showers when i thought i took a 10 minute shower. organizing pretty much only happens when i get hyperfocused on organization and cleaning. i dont brush my teeth most nights. if i do, it usually takes me around 10 minutes i think after putting the toothpaste on my toothbrush to actually perform the act of brushing my teeth (it varies each night, and my guess may be wrong, because time blindness). i hate not being able to do these things, but its so difficult to overcome. thankfully, even though i havent been diagnosed, my doctor gave me focus medication to see how it would affect me. it helps a lot, which im extremely grateful for. but its still difficult to do these tasks if they're overwhelming to me. edit: my therapist did diagnose me with adhd, which she can do, but i have not had an official test yet.

[@manlyman1393]

Because you're too lazy to do something like that. You'd rather sit on the couch watching My Little Pony all day and can't stand the thought of being a contributing member to society.

[@britboone2374]

@@manlyman1393 I really hope that was sarcasm

[@jahbrianawilliams7326]

Same. It can take me 2 days to a week just to do the dishes. I will literally put them in soapy water and leave them there. My whole life that was my chore and it was a struggle. I would get in trouble for taking hours to do them or leaving them overnight and I would listen to music 90% of the time that I had to do them. I didn’t understand that it was a sensory issue until a year ago.

[@TinaRixMusic]

@@ron_peasley Sounds like ADHD and depression combined.

[@Cosmic-Crow]

I want to cry. My mother won't recognize that I'm autistic and hearing and watching this is incredibly validating.

Can you go to someone else for an opinion? A doctor or a teacher?

[@8656737s]

That's sad I'm so sorry. JTG is right try talking to someone else if you can. Your school could help you.

[@anneautisms5136]

I’m so sorry! I have autism can’t imagine having to go through it by yourself, But I want you to know that I understand why you feel the way that you feel, being autistic is NOT easy, but just know that I have faith in you!

[@chiyu.tamade]

I told my dad I think I might be autistic and he brushed me off and said everyone is a little autistic ✌

[@anneautisms5136]

Crunchy Creates I’m so sorry that’s not true at all!

[@beccavstheinternet8389]

As a child in therapy I would say things like "I don't think I'm human". So much of what she just said feels like excerpts from my tortured childhood journals.

[@verityoconnell9507]

I was 4/5 and told my mum 'I'm an alien, I must have bought my face from Woolworth's' as a teen I watched silly TV dramas and practiced facial expressions in the mirror for hours. When my mask slips with familiar people I see them become uncomfortable. I don't think I'm full asd but I certainly have tendencies.

[@Novastar314]

I cannot agree more

[@peachesandcream8753]

I would say this all of the time: "I'm an alien". I still feel like an alien, like I'm not right, and I think I don't belong anywhere.

[@stephanie3848]

One of the hardest things was how I had trouble connecting with other kids my age as I was growing up. It was like a glass wall was around me. It was lonely for many years.

[@vixxcelacea2778]

I thought and absolutely hoped that I was actually an alien when I was a kid and my real family was one day going to find me and pick me up. If I thought about this outside of myself, hearing a child say this, I can't help but cry.

[@robynperrycoe7659]

Parents are teaching their children to mask their autism, and it’s dangerous. Thank you, this is fantastic, so clearly articulated.

[@twatson6669]

And many are likely autistic themselves, masking their entire lives.

[@vickielawson3114]

I wasn't diagnosed with Asperger Autism until I was 28. I'm 42 and my family STILL doesn't understand it and they still treat me like I'm a defective, shameful, broken person who chooses to be like this. It's heartbreaking and miserable.

[@PrincessDollieBunnie]

*hugs* We hear you and we see you

[@oriel9347]

You're not alone. x

[@idontwantacallsign]

My family won't believe me either.

[@linden5165]

I hope you have found others in your life who do believe you, accept you, validate you.

[@ClearTheRubble7]

It sounds like your family has projected their own defectiveness, shamefulness and broken-ness on you. I had similar problems growing up, not only with my family (some of them, not all of them), but also with kids at school. Mercilessly bullied. Learning that I was on the spectrum and learning about ASD helped me see myself as an orange in a bin full of apples instead of an apple with a worm in it. Weird analogy, but there it is. In other words, you are NOT defective! You're an orange, lol!

[@newfieknees]

I was given ECT, too. Your story is heartbreaking.... but so familiar. The "Male" autism criteria is killing women.

[@eugenemurray2940]

Women... Hidden..... Because we don't look for it when it comes to them

[@boshowa0840]

@Jack Bran What does that mean?

[@boshowa0840]

@Jack Bran Oh really? Tell that to Australian women who ARE autistic and ignored because only men get autism, apparently. Also, I am autistic and am a woman.... So I'm a liar?

[@Call-me-Al]

@Jack Bran this has to be a troll, or someone so deluded they might as well be

[@Call-me-Al]

I would like to add that the traditional male autism criteria also is messing diagnosises up for the men who don't present in the stereotype male way. Everyone loses when the more masked autism symptoms are not taken seriously.

[@Aluithil]

I'm 24. I've been asking myself "what's wrong with me?" for the past two years. I can't describe how relieved I am right now.

[@waipalisrevenge3707]

Well I am 24 right now, about to turn 25 in a few months and I asked myself all over again what was wrong with me for 23 years

[@alicewintour8623]

I deeply relate with this comment

[@bri3music]

I hear you :) I am 25

[@HP-mk2lw]

I can relate to what you are saying and I’m 35. Just realized that this answers a lot for me and it’s a relief but also sad because of the lifelong struggle. Virtual hugs

[@abigailtessierartist]

Me too. I just turned 22. My dad doesn’t believe my concerns. My boyfriend took a lot of convincing that something is going on. But this gives me hope.. my new doctor actually listened 💛

[@fetacheeselover]

People don’t realize that growing up with undiagnosed autism is freaking hard. There’s been so many times where I’ve asked myself “why am I like this?” After LOTS of research, checking to make sure their from either professionals or actually autistic ppl, I was so sure that’s what I had. I always had problems talking about my emotions. But when I finally mentioned it to my mom, she just laughed, and was so sure that I “wasn’t autistic, just ADHD”. Apparently my dad heard the conversation too and now he makes fun of me. Called me the r word once too. My point is, even if your 100% sure your kid isn’t autistic, *diagnose them anyway.* Cause living with an undiagnosed mental illness/disability can be emotionally damaging, believe it or not.

[@audreydoyle5268]

I completely get how you feel. My birth giver's husband also called me the r word, after letters came home about not finishing assignments. Turns out executive dysfunction (i.e. lacking time management) is also a symptom of ASD, not just ADHD. Mind so flooded with emotions and out-the-box thinking, how else could they expect me to fit into the marking criteria. I'm not limited, I'm limited edition. And you are too, my friend ✌️💖

[@fetacheeselover]

@@audreydoyle5268 thank you!! Nice to know I’m not alone, I hope you have a great day/night

[@AlissaSss23]

Sorry to say, your dad sounds horrible. I hope your family treats you well now. Hugs

[@denebvegaaltair1146]

I just read a paper written by an autistic woman. When I read the line "tell us that we deserve to be alive", I cried. For the last twenty years of my life, I considered myself and my autistic family worthless. Somehow, just by knowing that I'm not the only one, I feel more brave.

[@Beekind799]

drink 500ml volvic mineral water daily for a month,let me know if you still have autism

[@Beekind799]

@@custombatchservices6981 drink 500ml volvic mineral water daily for a month,let me know if the boy still has autism

[@Beekind799]

drink 500 ml volvic mineral water daily for a month and let me know how you feel ,most autism is neural inflammation from aluminium getting into the brain,drinking volvic mineral water slowly and safely dissolves it ,end of autism in most cases

[@IsidorTheNordicGuy]

More brave yes but despite knowing that we are many, do you feel lonely? I do and it just won’t go away. I feel like i need to meet other autistic people irl but i am terrified of the world after my experience of it so far. How is it for you? Sorry if me asking is weird, did it on a whim cause i guess i felt i needed to.

[@denebvegaaltair1146]

@@IsidorTheNordicGuy I'm so sorry you're also going through this. I was lucky in having found, later in life, a sweet autistic friend who was facing the same difficulties that I grew up thinking I was alone in. I was also lucky to share unique interests with a incredibly open-minded group of people who welcomed folks from from all spectrums of life. But for the uncountable years before then, I was, as you described it, terrified of the world as well. It's as if we're unable to do anything "correctly". Community matters. And not all communities will treat you the same. I hope that you'll one day be able to find a group of folks, each with their own idiosyncrasies, who will welcome you as one of their own.

[@kaylasherrard3076]

I’ll never forget telling my high school boyfriend, “I have something they haven’t come up with yet.” Truth is they had come up with it, but my mother was also autistic and never knew. My son has his diagnosis, it is now my goal to receive mine & better understand myself for the success of our family. One day at a time.

[@joevenuto]

🙏🏼

[@JustAnotherBuckyLover]

I'm entirely sure that a big part of why my autism wasn't recognised as a child was a) because it was the 70s and 80s, b) because I'm female and c) because my mother is also autistic (albeit undiagnosed). I figured it out in my late 20s and it was like having the rug pulled out from under me... and it's a struggle to undo all that time of bullying and trauma... If we were only recognised and society just actually treated us as valid, then things would be so much easier.

[@sierushest1991]

You are so brave Kayla, thank you for sharing your story! Understanding who we are is an important part of life. You are definitely on the right track. I can tell you care deeply for your family and are connecting the little pieces that brings you all even more closer.

[@Galaxyfriends3]

Proud of you! Changing your family dynamic💛

[@jm98]

I think it is a really common experience - I am autistic, my father is, and my nephew (my sister’s child) is. But because my father was never diagnosed (and never even questioned for it) my mother never suspected that anything was wrong with me - because I behave like my father, which is normal for our family. We all stim, repeat behaviors, have interests we hyper focus on, routines, have trouble communicating. I only wish I understood that both of us were autistic sooner - it was a big source of abuse, miscommunication and self hatered when i was growing up. I’m glad that you and your family understand each other

[@gordonsullivan5031]

My son is 12 and autistic and i always try to stop him when he flaps his arms or slaps his chest which was usually when he was excited or happy and he immediately becomes upset,i now know why he does this and I feel like an absolute piece of sh**.I thought i was helping and somehow knew i wasn't if that makes sense, i greatly appreciate this very informative video and will do my best

[@kathleenfitzsimons3388]

Forgive yourself Gordon and move on with the new knowledge...

[@LMesen-wr1ss]

Whatever your response was, the important thing is caring enough to try again. I grew up parents who never tried again. That's most often the ticket. Genuine start again. Thank you for being a parent who cares and makes honest effort.

[@Angelchakra]

My 9yr old is undiagnosed and she displays every trait mentioned here (including trying to take her own life in March this year). She fidgets a lot and I also tried to stop her doing it, now I understand this has a name and why she does it, I can support her more and not stop her anymore. Hopefully I can help her to understand why she does this too. Don’t beat yourself up about this - as parents we truly face challenges everyday with our children, they teach us so much and we feel such responsibility to give them the best lives we possibly can. I believe our role as parents is to love our children, show them that we are always there for them, support them in what they wish to do and encourage them to be the unique individuals they were born to be. We are not meant to be perfect parents, we are meant to do the best we can and have faith it will be ok.

[@eden9036]

@@Angelchakra Hi! I don't have any advice, I just want to thank you for being a considerate parent who takes the effort to actually understand their child and tries to do better.

[@ksfishchannel]

I see this comment was posted a year ago. How are you and your son doing these days?

[@glitterygecko594]

I have a social expectations rule book in my mind that I have been subconsciously building on my entire life. The thing I will always find most confusing is when neurotypicals break their own rules that they created and I can never figure out what the exception was.

[@LynnEsq]

Yes! The social rules I keep in my head! That's the only way I made it through school, but thinks would still go wrong. I missed things that were obvious to others.

[@cezanneinsley4767]

wait other girls did this too in their heads in school 🥺

[@cezanneinsley4767]

me too

[@mayvelaz8767]

Same! I also studied so much psychology and body language so I don’t have to guess as much; Instead I try to figure out social situations like a psychological puzzle. That goes with how I express my body language and myself as well. My masking has everyone fooled.

[@spicygal8564]

THIS.

[@2cents996]

My daughter is Autistic. This gave me chills. She's "on the spectrum" they say. She's "High-functioning" they say. Yet, to see your speech confirms my own subconscious truth.... That does not mean the symptoms are any less. She suffers greatly some days. Today is one of those days as she gets off the bus from school. Social anxieties and the inability to keep up with grades and pay attention leaves her mentally and physically exhausted and meltdown ready. She is tired. I am tired. 😪

[@penglingwhisperer3382]

‘Mild autism” just describes how the other person is experiencing you as an autistic person in that moment. An important thing to remember whenever people reduce your or your child’s experience. Cx

[@MorganBondelid]

Bless you for seeing it though. Thank you for bearing witness instead of denying it. Your child will have more support than I had - and I am still here, because I had … enough. Sending internet stranger hugs. 🫂

[@joycebrewer4150]

So familiar.

[@fegrillo_]

💜💜

[@Beekind799]

@nicolemclane5009 drink 500ml volvic mineral water daily for a month,let me know if the child still has autism

[@ellygreen244]

I needed this today. My parents won't let me go after a diagnosis, but you know that the day after I turn 18, I'm making an appointment with a specialist.

[@angelinasouren]

I sense a very strong person there, so much that your comment made me smile automatically.

[@zaedabaeda]

I turned 18 yesterday and am trying to figure out a way to get an evaluation without my mom finding out

[@haleyhowell7889]

Make sure you save up enough money for an appointment and follow ups. I also suggest researching specialists in the area, as well as health care plans that could cover it. I had a whole list of things I was going to do when I turned 18, and I wish someone had told me about all of the technicalities of independence.

[@wannabeskinnylegend5645]

Me too

[@lavenderdemons]

Same. There is definitely something off that my psychologist and parents are missing, and I need to know what it is.

[@sacrebaikal7303]

If you're male and you're socially awkward: You're diagnosed with Autism Spectrum If you're female and you're socially awkward: You're diagnosed with social anxiety Gotta love gender double standards!

[@Dante3214]

I am male and was diagnosed with social anxiety and chronic recurrent depression However I will say I've always been poor and could only afford what help the state offered, which in Georgia is minimal. So although my diagnosis came from a professional it is still very uncertain..

[@TravistheGREAT03]

"Hm, how can I make a gender issue out of this?"

[@taraqueen58]

That's very simplistic many people are misdiagnosed for years

[@elizabethbennet4791]

or adhd

[@waterfilledglass]

I mean, you presented that pretty unfair and didn't cite anything with it. Women get autism much less than men and thus it's less expected.

[@natalie5976]

i've never seen a video that encapsulates my experience more, especially with stimming. i vividly remember my dad telling me "stop flapping your hands, people are going to think you're special" and that was the last time i allowed myself to do it. my parents made fun of my meltdowns for YEARS like they were just some funny memory and not traumatic

[@angelamarie2023]

Same 😞

[@fungustheclown666]

@joiceomo2829 Stop pedaling snake oil. ASD is not something to heal, especially not with a pill.

[@kianisjuan1652]

I’m crying listening to this, I’ve always wondered “what was wrong with me” and now I understand, I’m going to contact a doctor as soon as possible, I’m so grateful I found this video

[@ellelk2443]

I'm in the same position! Except I'm still too scared to see a doctor about it 😅

[@Freya778]

@Demian ALIKA Autism is a genetic condition which cannot be reversed or cured. Symptoms can be managed and autistic people can learn to adapt, mask and improve some things.

[@eljordinio7647]

I knew about it. Not easy to live with and sometimes I wish I never had it

[@lalaj5831]

My daughter suffered terribly, especially as an adolescent in middle school, ending up in a psych ward. She stated that she was “wrong” somehow and did not deserve to live. The best day of my life was when I discovered Tony Atwood’s TEDtalk on autism. I recognized the traits immediately. I told my daughter, “You are not ‘wrong’, you are autistic. A perfectly normal autistic person.” Understanding what you are dealing with is half the battle. Knowing and accepting your needs as a neurodivergent person will help you survive and thrive. FYI The best investment we ever made for my daughter was purchasing noise cancelling headphones that reduce or block ambient noise.

[@ronniebattle1310]

@@lalaj5831 Encounter Ministries KZbin channel. (Mark Hemans)**

[@lisasherman43]

My (female) psychologist who I was seeing to treat depression almost immediately diagnosed me with ASD, which I didn't know I had but it didn't surprise me - in fact I was relieved to finally know what was "wrong" with me. But when I went to get a formal diagnosis for work purposes from a psychiatrist (male, only testing facility anywhere near me), they said that I'm not on the spectrum, because - get this - I drove myself to the testing, made eye contact, and scored high on the intelligence tests they did on me. The psychiatrist talked to me for only 5 minutes and asked no pertinent questions. I know I'm on the spectrum even though the psychiatrist is living in the dark ages.

[@aliburch4273]

I went to a specialist and within 10 minutes of talking to me he knew I was autistic. I hold 2 jobs and am looking for a third because low paying retail work is NOT how you afford adulthood. I'm so poor my entire therapy and diagnosis process was free. I spent an hour and a half on public transit to get there. Just because we're able to get ourselves to the session doesn't mean we're fine.

[@ktburger659]

I'm so sorry that happened to you Lisa. That sucks. I avoid going to the doctor a lot of times because I have been told that certain things are "just in my head." It's incredibly frustrating. We will have to keep working hard at acceptance so future generations can have it a little easier.

[@tiny2315]

Intelligence tests? But people with autism or aspergers shouldn’t show huge differences in that :/

[@MmeHyraelle]

Thats the problem most often, dismissed outright for idiotic reasons.

[@MmeHyraelle]

@@tiny2315 well there are diagnostic of autism with intellectual disability and without DI. But its irrelevant to autism

[@TheAmma007]

masking is exhausting yes. and after a while.. i forgot who I am

[@nevesdarocha]

TheAmma007 I masked for most of my life and never knew who I was. Now I do mask consciously. I use it as a custome. I put on the mask of whoever I think will be accepted at wherever I am going. The real me is only shown to a few people.

[@Nanamka]

"you are probably a happy and lovable person" - "it is nice to be seen as such, yes". But since that question I wonder, what am I really? Not that haply and lovable definitely, it was learned and trained. I can even name the yeard when.

[@Lunkaz]

I don't know who I am.

[@mckessa17]

People who are diagnosed with Psychopathy, Sociopathy, ASPD describe the same exhaustion of wearing a mask. However, their struggles are different compared to someone with Asperger's syndrome. There are a few similarities, though

[@deadpoetoftheyear]

I used not wear a mask and my parents told me to when I was around 13. They said I wasn't worthy if I didn't. On top of this, they misunderstood my feelings and thoughts all the time, but they had the last say. They had the power and said they knew who I was, and said I didn't know it myself. Even if I knew they were wrong, I started dissolving, like smoke, into the air. Even if I moved out a few years later, I guess the damage was done. I never created a true sense of self. Instead I was picking out what could be me. So several me's formed. Not like DID or anything, but I have many identities that I feel are me, but "they" don't feel the other ones are me, more like they are fake. Autism wasn't known when I was a kid, but common sense was. Too bad my parents didn't use that. I try to understand that all my traits are me, but I fail. My parents were like most parents back in the days. They did what they thought was best.

[@tiatunz9534]

Diagnosed at 50 - one of the biggest gifts for me was attending a conference on autism and learning that the default setting for a female with autism is anxiety. For years I had read books and gone for counseling etc trying to get to the bottom of and rid of this underlying anxiety. Being able to take it as a false indicator of how my life was going was wonderfully liberating. This anxiety doesn't mean I am unhappy either with my life or that my intuition is trying to rell me something. I am simply hard-wired for a certain level of underlying anxiety. I don't need to focus on it and in fact have been training myself to shift focus on to a positive emotion when my awareness goes to that anxiety - on love (my dog!😁), wonder (beauty of nature) and or gratitude when the anxity comes up - which is usually when i am not focused elsewhere and the default kicks in. It is almost habit now and I feel much better for it. The body chemistry of anxiety is not a positive one to live with. The body chemistry of love, gratitude and wonder is positive and transformative.

[@jordanabarcelos3733]

I love your way of thinking. I do the same

[@patriciagarrity8220]

Thank you so much for this..so well said.

[@harumaru9609]

Beautifully said, the attitude of gratitude is everything.

[@mariezguitar5029]

@Tiatu NZ, love, wonder and gratitude, what a beautiful way to refocus your attention and energy!

[@roughroadstudio]

Thank you for this! I finally found a medication that helped a ton with my CPTSD, GAD, and panic disorder. I'm also pretty ADD. I was put into classes with gifted kids but had trouble keeping up becayse so much was boring. I was abused for years by my stepmother and father, bullied in school and by peers, and just never understood very much about how the world worked until I was much older, and why my best efforts at many social interactions and relationships left me so frustrated and afraid. I was constantly taken advantage of, could never look people in the eye. I escaped into books. In trying to figure out WTH was so off about my partner, I came to the conclusion that we are both Aspies. It explains SO MUCH! And it helped make sense of all the issues we had with each other all these years.

[@Lis_718BX]

This was gut wrenching for me. I can’t stop crying. Thank you for saying all of the things I never knew how to say. I’m 40 this year and have spent too many years wondering what is wrong with me and why I can’t fix it and fit in

[@LisaPFrampton]

I completely feel you!!! I cried so hard through almost the entire thing. The more I heard, the harder I cried. I'm grateful for the Internet because I can hide my true self in it!!!!

[@Beekind799]

drink 500ml volvic mineral water daily for a month,let me know if you still have autism

[@beryl3939]

Same

[@Astaraa]

Emotions dialed up to 11, yes. And it can probably come off as emotionless, but it's anything but that. 💜

[@otaku5869]

Astara El exactly

[@MsTinkerbelle87]

So true!! We just show it differently:)

[@sarahcleland5688]

We're like Vulcans (Star Trek)

[@emilygleeson2018]

Jesus I did not realising that the twitching thing I do with my fingers when doing academic work and wording things was stimming. And the eye contact thing I do to some extent, where you look away quickly, I tend to over stare even to the point where I am uncomfortable because of being told that eyecontact was so important when talking to people

[@geministargazer9830]

Emily Gleeson I’ve always fiddled with things. And I also have a problem with chewing my nails

[@cw602]

I do that! I'll do my best to catch cues that the other person is using body language to indicate that I should break eye contact and then when I should give them eye contact. I can't really keep that up when I'm trying to talk to them instead of listening. I focus so much on how their body is positioned and how mine is. I used to read body language books to better understand what people were telling me without words.

[@SuperUberDae]

THIS. Yes! The eye contact thing threw me off for a while, because everyone in these autism talks say that eye contact is uncomfortable. I was always taught how important eye contact is so I always try to make eye contact while talking, but I think it's had the reverse effect at times because I've been told that I seemed "stalker-like" .

[@rawbabymama]

@@SuperUberDae I have no idea how I was doing with eye contact but my ex made a joke about "look into my eye" which made me realize you could only actually look at one eye at a time, and I've been super self conscious about it ever since (23 years ago!).

[@thatgingergirl5753]

The eye-contact struggle is real. I get told that a lot too.

[@jamistardust5181]

th4s was very moving for me. I'm autistic, but I was diagnosed when I was 62, not a typo 62. then it took me 4 years to accept it. When I was a child I was taught to look at people's eyes by my mother, if you call yelling teaching. Eventually she told me why. Generally I get to their mouth. Looking in their eyes briefly wondering every time "is this enough" in order to stop. My mom stopped my stimming. She would make me sit in my chair and not move. First, for 5 minutes and she gradually increased the time. It's kind of amazing when you consider that this was the 1950's. (I wrote more, but deleted it. One of my problems is knowing when to quit.)

[@strivingformindfulness2356]

My first job interview, age 18, 1985, my mom told me to make sure I made eye contact; I wasn’t aware of not doing so. I stared down the poor woman who interviewed me! I did make eye contact! I didn’t get the job, no surprise. At my second job interview, I eased up a little on the staring, I got the job, and worked there for 4 years, until the place closed. I think I’ve found a semi-acceptable balance of eye contact over the years, which I also ease by looking at their nose.

[@annamyob4624]

@@strivingformindfulness2356 yeah, I can tell you all about someone's eyebrows, hairline, ears, lip gloss, and freckles, and have no idea what color their eyes are.

[@beverleyhirst9380]

I was diagnosed in February 2021 with autism, I am 57. When I ask my mum how I was as a child, she replied I was always very quiet no trouble at all. The world is too big and I am too small and it doesn't make any sense at all.

[@celiaprado-teeling1408]

This made me cry in the office. My son is in the middle of being diagnose and during this process I've starting to uncover that I'm autistic too.

[@traceyboyer8731]

I understand what you are going through. My son was diagnosed in 2010, he is now 21. I have yet to be diagnosed as my son needs to come first. I have masked and covered up all these years I don't even know who I am at 54 years old. I am tired and lonely but I keep moving on.

[@eilzmo]

Tracey Boyer I hope you are still managing to stay strong. Loneliness is awful, and I hope you have a friend that you can talk to and connect with. That you have raised another human being is amazing, so much respect. Well done you! I can’t imagine ever reaching the point of having kids, but I can dream :)

[@skullyink2764]

My mom is going through the same thing with my brother and herself.

[@pointsettaqueen]

As I searched for information about autism to help diagnose my 50 year old son,I find that I also have autism. So much makes sense to me now.

[@OakwiseBecoming]

Omg we are ALL autistic!! 😱

[@michelleradford3512]

This made me cry with relief! I'm 42 and only last year did my Psychiatrist suggest I may have something akin to Aspergers. But I mask it so darned well, even I thought he was having a lend of me. Every person I mention it to has rejected the notion, saying that I have eye contact and communicate too well. Never mind that I can't function at all in other areas of my life. I've lost every job I've had due to my masking. Even though I didn't realise I was doing it. Turns out my communication skills are terrible when I'm under pressure. Turns out my organisational skills are non-existent when I'm required to multi-task. Turns out I have no idea who I really am anymore. This article has 'unmasked' the masking!

[@sara-aletheayoung659]

Hello! I'm 41 and I was diagnosed at 37 after years of masking. I cant tell you how many folks have told me "YOU?? You have Autism? ..... You don't LOOK like you have it...I would never have guessed..." I have an enormous vocabulary and I use it well and frequently which is often passed over as being too advanced to have Autism. If I were to get a job in the world again, I would have to step up the services I have currently because part of my executive and therefor organizational skills related to TIME management are seriously hampered under strain and I have near constant anxiety. I have lost all but four jobs over the years, because I wasn't able to properly manage my time and was tardy almost every shift. :( I hope that this message finds you well on your way to receiving a diagnosis, if that's your goal, and services, if you've got a diagnosis. If not (also, if you do!), and if you need an ear, feel free to reply. :)

[@molliechippeck4201]

Sara-Alethea Young I have the exact same issues as you but was given the diagnosis ADHD.

[@sara-aletheayoung659]

I personally believe that ADHD and ADD are mostly addressable through the lens of Sensory Processing Disorder or however they call it now... I don't believe that "medication", particularly of the stimulant variety, is the most appropriate treatment, nor do I believe that the _REAL_ risks of those medications have been weighed out relative to the benefits... I believe that the whole medical system should reflect us as healthy individuals with a base focus on how to feed ourselves appropriately for optimal nutritional health. However... the system is not set up that way and it's a fight just to be able to receive the care you NEED which is rarely the care you WANT. :( It's absolutely normal for women experiencing Autism to be misdiagnosed and receive "mental health" diagnoses, which of course, will not really help because they are treated completely differently. My son has been diagnosed with ADHD and I had a heck of a fight and of course, had to give my child their poison just to prove that it was indeed poison to _HIM_ in order to get from the "Primary Protocol" to the "Secondary Protocol" (which they do not even tell you exists until after the Primary has been exhausted or proven a bad path....... *seethes in frustration* despite requests at every turn for an alternative to this stimulant "medication"...) which includes non-stimulant medications. ... You read that right. There are alternative ADHD treatments to the stimulant route. AND, you can get your DNA tested to match or unmatch you with particular medications. I'd been asking for a way to test the medication on my child without putting it IN my child and they kept telling me No, there's no way to do that... It turns out that "they" just didn't have the information about these tests... which incidentally have been being utilized in several arenas of medication matching including cancer treatments and mental health medications. For about 40 years.

[@geministargazer9830]

I thought I was just shy, introverted, socially awkward, etc and when my friend first suggested autism I was like “nahhh” but I started looking into it and though “hmm maybe..” but the thing that really hit home was the executive functioning. It explains why I can’t manage to keep my house clean or meet a deadline.

[@griseldaosorio9664]

I am 39 and I could identify in many things mention. Such as the masking and unability to keep friends.

[@mr.b7486]

I didn’t know I was undiagnosed until age 29. You think you’re like everyone else but you’re not received like everyone else. You gradually wonder what’s wrong with me.

[@ovenknees4410]

Ironic that a video about autism was paired with one of the most overwhelming intros I've ever seen

[@kaylaschroeder1]

That image, right! I was thinking the same thing. 😳🥺😞🤨🤔

[@atomicsnowflake]

I was diagnosed at age 45. I've had a lifetime of being harshly judged and misunderstood. I feel isolated and scared all the time.

[@Catlily5]

I am 45 also. I also feel harshly judged but mostly now by myself. I internalized it. I have other people with Autistic tendencies for friends as we seem to understand each other better.

[@janglass8219]

I really relate. "Neurotypicals" can often be a$$holes. We should band together somehow and retaliate. Maybe then people will listen.

[@janglass8219]

@@Catlily5 Almost exactly the same for me.

[@elle2871]

39, here. Similar. I wonder what it was like for the folks a handful older than myself.. society and science have come so far in the last 10 years, even. What was it like when you first went to the psychs? Were you a young person?

[@lisahinton9682]

@AngryAttackKittens And yet you call yourself "Angry Attack Kittens". Hmmm..

[@marynordseth2788]

Carrie, you are so real. I understand, better now, the extent of my own autism. I've looked into it with use of the Web. Age 77.

[@kathleenfitzsimons3388]

Mary Nordseth were you diagnosed, Mary?

[@kathleenfitzsimons3388]

Any way I could have a private chat with you Mary?

[@axlereno6215]

@@kathleenfitzsimons3388 I'm self diagnosed in my mid twenties.

[@kaylacarpenter272]

Wow. You are so cool. Best of luck to you.

[@marynordseth2788]

@@kathleenfitzsimons3388 I'd like a private chat. How to get in touch?

[@ponykelly]

It's been 10 years that I wonder what's going on with me. When I was a child I was constantly living in my head and even the reality was shaped like a cartoon so everything was easy and joyful. As I grew up I started to develop some sort of a chronic depression but as I progress in my autism hypothesis, I think it could be a problem with executive disfunction. Because antidepressants never worked. And what I've always thought as dangerous and violent panick attacks could have always been meltdowns. I'm 22 and nobody except my autistic friends believe what I am saying. I can't go back to thinking I'm neurotypical. My intuition tells me to dig deeper but it's so hard to get a diagnosis. I hope I will be able to have one some day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I needed to hear these words. I will translate it to french so I can explain better to my psychiatrist what is going on because I can relate to everything here bur struggle to put it into words. Thank you.

[@angiesworld2177]

This made me cry uncontrollably. I have autism. That's definitely how it feels

[@silvereramoon8834]

I wasn't diagnosed until I was 22. I have never watched a talk, or read anything that has so perfectly encapsulated my own personal experience being Autistic, and living for years not knowing that I was. Depression. Anxiety. Self-harm. Ultimately, all a result of being undiagnosed Autistic for most of my life. I just...feel this, this woman's words, so much. I'm still crying.

[@el7114.]

Out of topic, but SHERLOCK!!!

[@justjust8953]

Same, im 22 and just got my ASD diagnosis of Aspergers this month. All the pieces of my life are fitting together now.

[@caitlinnnnnnnnnnnnnn]

This is my story too! It's been complicated because I have a history of PTSD which has kept my autism invisible.

[@mistyb4987]

Your voice is incredibly easy to listen to

[@largelyuseless]

Right? And that's so rare for me that i love it!

[@thesincitymama]

strange because I felt the exact opposite... I really wanna hear what she has to say but I just can't keep listening to her voice. I'm gonna look for the transcript cuz I know TED sometimes has those on their website

[@penglingwhisperer3382]

Thanks. I have a odd accent because of where i live.

[@KM-nq7ez]

Misty Ballard ... Yes absolutely beautiful... I’d Love to listen to audio books read by Her...so lovely.

[@juliarhodejacobs]

@@penglingwhisperer3382 It isn't odd at all! It is melodious.

[@jacobfschaffer]

I was diagnosed with high functioning autism today at age 27. ✨this is helpful

[@jacobfschaffer]

@Beatrix In Christ what herbs?

[@gaylegreene]

She described my whole life I’m 64.

[@KristianThomasOfficial]

This is literally my life story. We, especially us women, have been taught how to act from start to finish. For as long as we could remember, we have been told to mask our autistic traits because we don't want to make the neurotypicals uncomfortable. I think that we have been consciously taught how to become more socially acceptable to the point where our masking is out of habit.

[@dallaswalker340]

"i don't have the language to describe emotion" holy... me too

[@fugoogle9801]

More specifically, it's called alexithymia, the inability to identify or describe your emotions. Very common trait for autistic people.

[@winterblossom9546]

@@fugoogle9801 Wait, so it’s actually normal for people to describe emotions?

[@tiffanyroberson9773]

@@winterblossom9546 right? How do you describe an emotion? When I feel happy, I just feel happy... I can describe it with examples of times when I’ve been happy, but how else would you describe that?

[@JTG95]

Thank you for putting everything into words that I could never have. I'm autistic with an IQ of 88. Got my diagnose when I was 28. I'm over 30 now and my life is not better because people in my life don't understand autism. But it IS better because I now know why I am Who I am. And the number 1 thing that helps me through, is telling myself "it's okay". Because it IS okay to be who I am. I can't expect people to understand but with this video I now might have a chance

[@MerryMoss]

After everything I read, your comment was the one that brought tears to my eyes. I have struggled my entire life to accept me for who I am - I've actually only just started (trying) to do this in the last few years. I'm very fortunate with to have a boyfriend who accepts me and helps me accept myself as well. He often tells me that things are okay and that I'm allowed to be the way I am. He also notices improvements a lot more easily than I do, so that's great ^^

[@ananananabop]

It's incredible how closely the experiences are mirrored of people diagnosed as autistic when they are adults. The shame, the misdiagnoses and wrongful medicating by professionals, the eating d.isorders, the self h.arm, the burnout. It so much unnecessary pain. Sending out lots of love and strength for my fellow autistic siblings. If you're reading this and are hurting, know that I love you very much. Even if I don't know you.

[@davidk7529]

The proper understanding and treatment of autistic individuals applies equally to other personality variations. The non-autism spectrum isn't just filled with "normal" people, all people are diverse and we will all benefit massively from recognizing that sooner than later. The cookie-cutter social behavior system is incorrect, immoral, and primitive, and it must come to an end.

[@dennycorsa5760]

yes and there are many kinds of neurodivergence, like ADHD, bipolar, etc.

[@darionclub2158]

I work as a caregiver in an institution with people that have a very wide variety of different afflictions, behaviours, diagnoseses, etc.. Many of them are also on the autism spectrum. What i 've learned is, that most (if not all) behaviours and personal traits these people, that are labelled mentally handicapped, show, exist in more or less degree ~or transformed~ in most of us. They just show it more clearly. It's an opportunity to get to know this way of being a human being, of coping with life, with them. Through them. Because in neurotypical people this behaviour may be so scarce or well hidden or socially repressed that we can't observe it and subsequently also can't learn to deal with it or learn from it, develop it, treat it or whatever else we could to get to know ourselves and humanity better.

[@tammarishka4811]

Thank you so much. Very well explained, well said. I'm currently going through a possible autism diagnosis at 59. It's almost relieving to know I'm not a difficult, unsociable and unfriendly person. Someone finally understands and can clearly explain what it's like to live in my skin. Thank you so much 💓

[@loveearthspirit829]

This touched me

[@jenbloom6848]

I’m 57 and you’ve described me as well. Realizing it has always been autism is like finally coming home 💜

[@AndrewFromNewHampshire]

I appreciate the part about "masking". I am 56, and I was diagnosed with ADHD, Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, and Dyspraxia as a 10 year old in 1975. The Dr. told my parents that my ADHD diagnosis meant that I could not be Autistic. My parents paid a lot of money to get me into a private school that supported dyslexic kids because it was not available in public education in the 1970s. While there I learned how to mask my dyslexia so that I could function in the neurotypical world. I learned a lot of adaptive behaviors, but the underlying root has always been there, and there are still a lot of things about me that are different that I could not explain: like an inability to recognize social cues, or even carry on a simple conversation. Eye contact is almost impossible for me, and noise is a huge trigger for me. I feel things very intensely, but most of the time I cannot name what I am feeling. In fact I could identify with all the symptoms she mentioned, and I now know that the masking behavior I learned to cover up my dyslexia is probably masking autism as well. My GP is very dismissive of my concerns .. "its all in your head" he says. Perhaps I need to find a professional who takes me seriously. But would it be worth getting diagnosed in middle age?

[@DaanVsp]

They learned how to mask? That shocks me And you shouldn’t even get a diagnose because you def got autism if you could identify with all of the symptoms and your GP is probably wrong you should talk with him about this

[@gitavalimaterdey267]

Hi, Andrew, have you decided to get diagnosed? I wander myself if it would bring something positive.

[@camellia8625]

Yes I do believe it would be worthwhile to get diagnosed and worthwhile to also change GP to one who is more autism respectful.

[@Beekind799]

drink 500ml volvic mineral water daily for a month,let me know if you are still autistic

[@mikeoxlong4358]

I wrote the longest comment ever replaying to this amazing video and accidently deleted it and now I feel like crying

[@TonyaRatliffGarrison]

I was not diagnosed with autism until I was 49 years old. Thank you, Carrie, for doing this talk and getting more awareness out in the neurotypical world.

[@romnakhatun2673]

Hi, just wanted to know how to get a diagnosis at the age of 40. Any ideas would be appreciated. Doctors aren't very helpful

[@Padualipa]

I literally cried when she talked about Friends. I'm in the middle of a rough diagnosis of autism, and while its seen by the doctors as mild, its changing my life. And I actually love this show too, since forever. I can watch it non stop for hours, days, months. And I am crying right now because people often think I'm crazy - my dad included, he cannot understand why I watch it so much. But it makes me calm. It makes me comfortable, feels like home.

[@lisahinton9682]

@Gabriela Padua @PenglingWhisperer My show was "Frasier" - completely soothing, helped me sleep, calmed me when I was overstimulated. Then the recordings got lost in a move, and Netflix took the show off its platform. Now I use "Seinfeld", but it does not quite work as well. Ahhhh.. :-(

[@gitavalimaterdey267]

My show was, is and always will be I guess :) The Simpsooooons (except the last few seasons). In Czech language. And I can just think what's the point of watching it again when I know it by heart already while watching an episode... 🙂 As you say, Gabriela, feels like home... Of course I love Friends too. I watched it only on TV. (I don't have an internet at home) Most of the time thinking if I would merry (=who is the most funny and handsome) Ross or Chandler or Joey or if I would like to be Rachel or Phoebe or Monica as if... 😊

[@gitavalimaterdey267]

"This is the beauty of this game. It makes you want to kill yourself." Who knows? :)

[@harmony7377]

Like extended family-and you know what to expect from them. They are "true to character" 🤣 so funny because they are characters-but comfortably familiar just the same. I get it ;

[@strivingformindfulness2356]

I understand this completely. I’m in my mid-50s, not diagnosed with ASD, but suspect I’m on the spectrum. I usually watch shows I’m familiar with, listen to music I’m familiar with, read/listen to books I’m familiar with, and I thought it was just my being middle-aged. Maybe it is a little bit, or maybe not. I do like podcasts more than music these days, and I used to be SO into new music outside of the mainstream. Occasionally a new song will catch my ear, but I listen mostly to late 1950s (10 years before my birth) through early 1990s (my early 20s). Comfort. That’s what it is.

[@bhe915]

I am 41 and going to be tested as well. I can relate to most of what she said. Edit/Update: I was diagnosed autistic in Feb 2023. Carrie, if you see this, thank you so much.

[@innotafanofanyofjlbjlbissd6777]

Where do you go to be tested ?

[@bhe915]

@@innotafanofanyofjlbjlbissd6777 The doctor who previously worked with my autistic child. I had to look around a lot because I thought they fully retired and didn't know they could test adults. My insurance only covers testing for children to 18 which to me is very wrong because I pay for the best insurance from my job. Very few places test and generally none take insurances and are expensive. I have journal entries from high school where it is obvious. I went through two events in life that basically destroyed me. If I had of known I was possibly autistic I think I could have made one less worse and avoided the other totally. I should have been tested at age 23 I know for sure now.

[@michaeljay9019]

You story is almost exactly like mine. I am 53, and only realized I was on the spectrum about 7 years ago when my youngest son was diagnosed. I masked to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion. I still do. I was diagnosed with bipolar, borderline etc and also had ect done. I could never hold down a job, had horrible relationships, and have been homeless many times. I feel lost and there are no services where I live for adults. I also am and amputee, and use a wheelchair, too. So I get treated like I'm invisible or that I'm special needs by almost everyone out and about when I'm going places, even though I have an extremely high I.Q. As a child I thought everyone could remember everything like I do. I thought everyone heard music when they saw a beautiful sunset, or saw the wind blowing through the trees. They don't, and I was mocked and humiliated. I thought everyone just read and read to absorb the beautiful knowledge of everything around them. Now that I know its freeing and suffocating at the same time, and I am clueless about what to do. I do the best I can, but apparently thats not good enough for many people. I am beyond burnt-out. The light from burnt-out would take 134.3 years to reach the space where I live.

[@dalekinsey1760]

Well. Seems you made it. Not perfect but still here. Marvelous images you create. That's amazing. I've done the homeless thing a few time when I no longer felt safe. Many rehabs, and commits. At age nearing 70 I guess one learns. But the amputee part would daunt me. Glad you're still with us warrior.

[@JPW965]

❤

[@psykkomancz]

Diagnosed at 40, because of masking. My whole life has been immense struggle to this time. Within autism context, I finally learn , after 20 years of desperate attempts to find myself, how to understand myself, why I am like this , what is actually happening within me and how to work with it. I don't have autism so severe like she has, but still, diagnosis was blessing for me, because I finally, after lifelong struggle, know who I am...

[@Lucky86_]

I can relate. I was diagnosed at 27 after burning through 4 therapists. Being 31 now, I'm still struggling with it. It's like I only just now fully realize how troublesome it was living like this without knowing what was wrong with me. It still sucks though. Even though I have a full time job which I can hold on to for more than a couple of months, I still wonder if I can ever truly accept the fact that connecting with neurotypicals will always be difficult, especially concerning deeper relationships, like friends and a partner.

[@mar8014]

I notice a goofy smile on my face and feel embarrassed. Its always on when Im around new people.

[@niallmartin9063]

psykkomancz I’m 53, my beautiful daughter has been diagnosed, she’s 17. I suggested to my wife that I might also be autistic, she was never in any doubt but waited for me to suggest it. The sensory issues, the stimming, the need for isolation and company concurrently. The severe melt downs when I was unaware of how stressed I was (like watching someone else), the exhausting “masking”. I would hate for my daughter to have had as tough a journey as I had. I trained myself to look at the spot above the bridge of the nose, between the eyes when confronted by strangers. I’m going to get a professional diagnosis.

[@soniamo4139]

@@niallmartin9063 I hope it all goes well for you. I wish you and your daughter the best! :)

[@audreyc7462]

I am so happy for you that you finally have your diagnosis and are being able to know yourself! That is amazing!

[@Shindai]

I feel so much of this. I raised it with my doctor once, he said it's usually diagnosed during childhood, and nothing more was said about it. But speaking to friends with aspergers about their experiences, and now watching this talk, so much of it fits me, I have to bring it up again.

[@shaikhaaljaberi4571]

don't give up, good luck

[@itiswhatitis8772]

Daniel Gould you won't be diagnosed I'm 47yrs at my doctors. Unless your male it's taken more seriously. Or rich .But keep pushing through its a tough ride.

[@grumpyinbrooklyn6347]

By all means go for it!

[@amysmosquito]

unless you are actively struggling with some aspect, they will not take it seriously. Autism has become... for lack of a better word "popular" in recent years. from a purely medical standpoint, you pay attention to the symptoms, and when the patient says "i have _____" in some confused hypochondriac self assessment fueled by webMD and youtube, you dismiss it immediately and do your own evaluation based on what they tell you in the 5min appointment timespan. unless you make it to adulthood with severe enough symptoms/struggles/difficulties/whatever-you-want-to-call-them, you will have an incredibly hard time with this kind of diagnosis.

[@kristymounsey3450]

Look for a psychologist who specialises in Autism. The average GP is just unqualified.

[@DrNanite]

My emotions were just too strong to the point i feel numb and emotionless. It just gets worse by the year.

[@arielthequeen890]

When I am overwhelmed, I also go numb. I can go through the motions of behaving normally while being completely numb and feeling like I am looking at myself from a distance, and I’m not really there.

[@J0J0155]

I literally have days like this where I shut off and have to do something I enjoy all day to function the next day, I often don't socialize during these days and I'm often really tired during this time... after a couple days I feel better... but its almost like a cycle or rollercoaster, up and down... usually happens like clockwork the day after going to visit family/friends and hanging with them all day... but sometimes it just happens randomly...

[@kaylaschroeder1]

Wow... I'm literally experiencing this right now. I was feeling a welling of tears that comprise multiple thoughts and feelings, but because I'm at a friend's house I don't want to appear upset. So, now I feel numb and depressed. But numbness has been a lifelong dark friend, in a way, keeping me safe in a very scary and loud world in which I've always felt mostly misunderstood and different somehow. I've not been formally diagnosed, not even discussed this topic with any seriousness yet with anyone else. But the more videos I watch and articles I read, the more I completely resonate with Autism.

[@neurodivergent3013]

In my whole life, i was used to be called " weird" " odd" " crazy" just because my interaction with ppl was not natural but now i know i am a brilliant person

[@BuriedErect]

I sobbed watching this. I needed to feel less alone. I am so grateful that Carrie had the strength and composure to speak.

[@MrMooAndMoonSquirrelToo]

I also sobbed. I always felt like a deer in headlights on a stage like that. I’d just freeze. I applaud her tenacity.

[@nobody-bb4di]

Thankyou. Yes we need to be accepted and understood, not forced to act 'normal.'

[@TheLovelyRushka]

Captain Franco Yes who's to say who's right or who's wrong.

[@heatherdudley7278]

Captain Franco there is no such thing as normal, I think we all have our own uniqueness, I don't see people with autism as different just unique, who to say we're normal and their not maybe it's the other way round

[@horsewithnoname12345]

Yes yes yes

[@elizabethbennet4791]

'normal' because those people are so humane, like forcing others to be like them

[@janglass8219]

I agree. Too bad the majority of "neurotypicals" are a$$holes.

[@Nida-tk9wl]

I am one of the very rare and few lucky ones who was diagnosed very early in my life. I am a 25-year old woman and I was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome at 5 years old, this was during a time when autism was very rarely diagnosed in girls. I was first misdiagnosed with ADHD however my parents wanted a second opinion (cheers mum and dad!) and after a few weeks of being assessed by a lady who specialised in autism, particularly autism in girls (or so I assume, I can't remember) I was diagnosed with autism. The fact that I was diagnosed very early in my life made things so much easier, I don't know what it would've been like if I had been diagnosed much later. I had received the proper support that I had needed growing up, and I now realised just how beneficial it had been. To those who have been diagnosed later in life and have struggled, I feel for you. In my personal opinion not enough is done to diagnose girls with autism, and to be honest I'm pretty pissed off. The reason being I feel like it's not prioritised enough. But I'm not willing or ready to go on a rant today.... Anyway I just wanted to put this out there.

[@terranovarubacha5473]

Hi, just wondering what autism supports you received as a child that helped you. I never received any but I feel like knowing what did help could help me now. Hope that makes sense

[@whoknows8101]

I was diagnosed at 14 is that early or late?

[@MsLaariii]

I didn't get diagnosed till 38.

[@haileytaylor6739]

i have been diagnosed with adhd, spd, ocd, depression, and anxiety. I am a 17 year old girl and i still feel as though theres something missing. this womans speech resonated with me sm even tho i have never been diagnosed with autism. i have asked my parents repeatedly to take me to a specialist but everytime they "youre not autistic, youre a totally normal teenager" their internailzed stigma around mental health struggles and what is normal is damaging to me. my current therapist asked me recently if ive ever been diagnosed with autism and i felt so heard even tho all she was asked was if i had autism. i dont know what to do and it is scary because i cannot see a normal future. ik ill be successful but i dont see a normal future if that makes sense. i am terrifed

[@grote__julia]

Hey Hailey, that does sound really scary... To have so many diagnoses and STILL feel like something is missing. And to not have your parents' support. I am 32, with a similar laundry list of mental health diagnoses and suddenly autism MAKES SENSE. Like it's been the missing piece all along. I have been intensely struggling the last two years and most days I felt like... I have so many skills and talents but I cannot see a future for myself in which I am able to successfully use them. It made me feel hopeless on the daily. The last two weeks since I have self-diagnosed, that hopelessness has completely shifted. Now I understand why everything has been so hard all this time. More importantly, I know now that I can get help for allllll of the things I struggle with. Now I feel so proud of my skills and talents and I know with certainty that my life looks bright ahead. As long as I get the help I need, it's going to be fine. I want to say the same to you, Hailey. You're almost 18, almost your own boss. Take you seriously! Be honest with yourself about who you are and what you need, and find the people in life who will support you to get there, especially professionals! Get yourself the help you need. Your parents will come around but this is your life and you are the only one who can create your happiness in the long run. Much love and good luck

[@katrinawoody6268]

I'm 49 right now and I have been terrified almost my entire life and it seems that the terror only gets worse and I am terrified of mental health doctors because they hold power over me to lock me up and not have the opportunity to be myself out in the real world

[@robynperrycoe7659]

Hi love, there is no normal future, and trying to fit yourself into an imaginary mold, as she says, is dangerous. I know it is scary, but I want you to search for and live into your own unique future. This is important for you and the world. I’m holding a light for you.

[@protocetus499]

Well you are not i guess, after all your parent know what is the best.

[@gloriellcardona8579]

I went through the same until several years ago when I ask Jesus to deliver and heal me. I highly recommend you to get on your knees in your room and sincerely ask him to take all that out of you. It worked for me and it will work for you!

[@suewallace2845]

I am 73 y. o. and through watching this video and other KZbin videos on this subject, have just realized that I have ASD. It’s wonderful to get an answer to why I’m like I am.

[@kerryfirehorse]

I got diagnosed at the age of 48. I knew I was autistic from my early 20s but was it was always dismissed any time I brought it up with anyone. Eventually I got the answer I needed and it's been life changing.

[@fredbissnette3104]

I'm just now coming to terms with the idea that I have asperger's I'm not diagnosed yet but I'm 100% sure of it

[@ellenbruckermarshall4179]

New things are really hard to approach. Must watch and study and be instructed first. Then try it my own ways and be allowed to make mistakes and learn. Most schools don’t work that way but internships turned out better.

[@joycebrewer4150]

Glad you found a solution that mostly worked. Wish I had.

[@MerryMoss]

This is exactly why my last internship was so incredible - my mentor applied this exact method. She showed me how they did certain tasks, then I could try them myself and ask questions and let her check it in the end. I learned incredibly fast this way, my work was perfect, I felt comfortable & confident the whole way and I was happy.

[@annamyob4624]

In many cultures expectations are different about learning. A learner is expected to "watch and study and be instructed first." Which just goes to show that a lot of what autistic people are put through, is totally unnecessary and purely socially imposed.

[@emryswalton1802]

I went through a very similar experience, just at the age of 12. I know how hard it is to mask. It is EXCRUCIATING. I'm 13 now, and it's been nearly a year since I got diagnosed with high-functioning Autism. I will show this to my mum and see if she gets past the inconvenience of having an Autistic child so she can help me.

[@indiracamotim2858]

Eli- Neftali Elijah Zerachiel Ekander Whiting - I hope you were successful and I also hope that you are doing well, young man. 🌹

[@lucyfaye567]

I hope you got the help you needed.

[@sc4rlotte456]

aye man dont say that inconvenience part. you are an amazing person and deserve the help u need !! hope things are well

[@stephanie3848]

I'm sure it is a blessing to have you as a child not an inconvenience. Hug

[@emryswalton1802]

@@stephanie3848 Ha, this was 2 years ago and she has since disowned me, but thanks for the hug lol

[@margaretcapers2368]

so many feels! we need more awareness in regards with women with autism

[@angonsframes]

my prayers

[@petawebb]

I am sitting here at work, with headphones on to block out noise, trying not to clap my hands to get myself focussed. I am 50, and this resonates with me so much. No official diagnosis, but I am almost crying at how much I identify with this.

[@jcrocks6698]

I am 40. No official diagnosis yet, but I plan to go soon. I took an extensive test, and since then, I've been reading about women and autism. It feels like I just found out I'm adopted or something. It just explains so much. It's amazing to reframe almost all of my experiences through this lens and to be like, "Oh. That's why." Every time.

[@roughroadstudio]

Same! I'm 65 and started wondering about ten years ago. I figured out my partner first, then realized it fit me as well. Totally makes sense out of my entire life.

[@loveearthspirit829]

I am 40 and am in ttat stage now#

[@davidhollyfield5148]

I have had 'high functioning' autism my whole life and it went undiagnosed until I was in my sixties. I wish I had known about my 'difference' from a younger age, my life might have panned ourt a lot differently. But finding out was a massive breakthrough for me. I now know myself well enough to not be so baffled by my failure to comprehend certain situations. I loce mu (rather solitary) life now and don't sweat the small stuff so much, but I still can't stand company for extended periods of time, I have to run away and hide until it passes (or, my brain 'reboots').

[@yasminm7157]

I can relate to much of what you said, especially about not being able to stand company for too long and can’t wait to get away.

[@mikaela5938]

Conceal don't feel, don't let it show

[@justanotherrandompersonony88]

make one wrong move and everyone will know

[@sarahd3515]

Corpse Thrust Let it gooooo! LET IT GOOOO!!!!! ⛄️

[@justanotherrandompersonony88]

make one wrong move, and everyone will knowww

[@Maksie0]

If only autism came with ice magic.

[@Sara3346]

Damn I can relate to that so deeply that that that scene still makes me tear up even though I'm not sure it was intended too.

[@annamyob4624]

Thank you! So tired of being labeled selfish, insensitive, rude, just cuz I relate and communicate differently. Inattentive, because of auditory processing issues. Lazy, because of meltdowns (when really I work so damn hard all the time, just to fit in.) Thank you for turning all of that on its head.

[@Sam-pm9vy]

I’m in my early 30s and KZbin offered me up this in my recommended. For a number of years I’ve wondered if I’m on the spectrum and more recently with the lockdowns I’ve noticed more ADHD traits - I didn’t know they were common together or had similar aspects until recently. I’ve been thinking a lot lately how many aspects of my childhood could have been picked up and worked with or diagnosed - including my severely restricted eating linked to sensory issues - had the right people noticed and cared. I want to watch this through but I’m not far in and already tearing up in sadness and anger that so many of my struggles as a child went unnoticed because I was quiet and passed all the exams fine, and quite possibly because I was socialised female too. Even now I do not have a path to diagnosis and don’t truly know what, if anything, I have. But I do know that my struggles are valid and I strongly believe I’m neurodivergent. I have a successful career and a good life by all accounts, albeit with mental health issues, but I sometimes wonder how much easier it could be if I was allowed to just admit to myself and others “I have this and it makes these things harder for me”. Maybe one day I’ll be able to get what I need.

[@kaylaschroeder1]

I feel your frustrations, Sam, and I hope you receive the support and validation you need from life and others. 🌷

[@grote__julia]

Early thirties myself and I really relate to what you say. I wish you all the best. I'm going to seek out coaching myself and hope for a diagnosis in the long run. In the meantime, I'm proud of my self-diagnosis and I'm excited to start "coming out" to the people around me, when I feel the time is right!

[@ladybug5859]

@Mp where is doc oyalo?

[@JPW965]

@@ladybug5859 i think its a bot or whatever these repetitive comments are called

[@michellelopez1201]

I am 6 months pregnant, and after i have my baby i am getting tested for autism. I had No idea that this might be the reason for many problems i have in my life. This girl is telling my story! Im 28. My mom said that before the age of 2 i was showing symptoms such as spining around the room for hours without getting dizzy

[@MrAnishRoy]

Hai please tell me what age u started to talk

[@MsTinkerbelle87]

You can’t test a baby for autism, you have to wait until they show signs. I wish it was that easy:/

[@lucyfaye567]

T C, I think she said that she was going to get tested herself.

[@extremesoutherngal]

Beautiful. I'm saving this video so that I can help my family better understand me. I've never been diagnosed, but my life speaks for itself. On a lighter note, my obsession as a child was Helen Keller. By the time I was 9, I was reading college level novels about her- the easier child-friendly stories were not doing it for me anymore. Later in life I transferred that passion to cheerleading, then, of all things, hamsters... Nowadays it's researching Aspergers... :)

[@AfridiZindabad]

Mine was also Helen Keller!!!

[@emilyblackmore3694]

Brutal Honesty dont worry , when i was ten it was steven king.... it could be alot worse. I mean books as big as IT (which is 1100 pages and very innapropriate for a child) because i had read all of the kids books by the age of 5 and i still needed the stimuli. I am now reading 3000 page books and i am only 14

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

I get this. This did not become my obsession... understanding people did.

[@tanyabrown9839]

me too Claire.. Im obsessed with understanding people and how they think, I probably developed that due to my wants of trying to fit in. I think this obsession has actually aided me some as due to it Ive come to understand people in general well in as far as predicting actions and behaviours go though I do not understand the how they can act the way they do.

[@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS]

Tanya Brown Yes, the reasoning that many use to justify their behavior is mind boggling. At least when I'm being irrational, I know I'm being irrational and I own it. It's difficult to imagine that people don't see how reactive they are and how that's often tied to their past. Or why it's important to own that in order to heal from their past because no person escapes their childhood without some part of them needing healing.

[@bevishhh]

Relating so hard to this at 31 it's painful. I've been trying to get someone to listen to me regarding potential autism for a couple of years now, and I've been laughed at multiple times when bringing it up to doctors. Thank you SO much for this 💕 I'm making a plan to begin accepting my needs, stims and energy use etc, with or without an official diagnosis.

[@kaylaschroeder1]

Doctors have actually laughed at you..? 🥺 How horrible.

[@PinakiSwain]

Please consult someone better.

[@lenettew1353]

I'm 53 and have come to the conclusion that even with autism, intellectually I am better off than many of the "experts". I have stopped caring what other people think, and that calms the anxiety. My coping mechanisms in my 30s consisted of becoming a social alcoholic, the anxiety was off the hook. Hopefully, you can learn to not give a s**7t what other people think before menopause, lol!

[@ronniebattle1310]

@@lenettew1353 Encounter Ministries KZbin channel. (Mark Hemans)#+

[@ronniebattle1310]

@Beatrix In Christ Encounter Ministries KZbin channel. (Mark Hemans)#

[@ranadag7281]

I was diagnosed at 56, 10 years ago. Since then I have had intense therapy and have changed, improved and learned so much in this time. In addition to the struggles that go with this diagnosis I also have other mental health struggles from trauma I experienced because my parents didn't know why I was different in the 50s and 60s. Much more research needs to be done for women over 40 that have struggled their entire lives alone. Please pass the word on so we all can have the blinds opened to our lives.

[@MorganBondelid]

Likewise my parents didn’t know why I struggled in the 80s and 90s 🥺 sending internet stranger hugs 🫂

[@annedymock2850]

Me too... diagnosed at 54. A life of misdiagnosis, and largely unhelpful, and sometimes harmful treatment. Perspectives that didn't fit with my experience. An autism diagnosis didn't chance anything practically like up new therapies, but it made sense of my life, which was huge. Practically, I am kinda broken, my struggle to function is very real. Now I know it is not because I am lazy or don't try hard enough, or am bad. I am more able to be kind and accepting of myself... more at peace. THAT IS HUGE!!

[@kaboozle]

Powerful and depressing. I was in tears at the end. I was diagnosed at 47, still struggling to recover from the shock. My life story is comparable. I hope I will find my voice...

[@suprhomre]

I use music, I put on earbuds, and I can work fast and efficient the whole day without looking into someones eye or chat with them.

[@arielthequeen890]

Music helps me so much to shut out all the annoying noise. I work in a noisy cubicle, and certain noises really bother me.

[@J0J0155]

Music helps so much...

[@LilithsOwn303]

I got my diagnosis in July 2020 (after 5 years of suspicion it would be Autism) I am 62 now. I do NOT agree that Masking is something unconscious or something you can't stop. I do this very conscious ever since I was 7 or so. Only I didn't know what it was called at the time. And I have been labelled as being HSP all my life, but that was actually only the sensory overload part of my Autism that is much much bigger and contains so many different disorders. I am now re-discovering my past and have to learn to see things in a different perspective. I am sure I could have avoided many problems and discussions with people had I know my Autism was the cause. But yes being Autistic is frustrating and exhausting.

[@sophieuknavage5322]

I'm in tears listening to her, I'm sitting in the same clothes for over a week, haven't showered in even longer and plz don't ask me when I washed my hair last.. it sucks not having a voice, it's paralyzing

[@deadphoenixrising]

I was diagnosed at 21 and the stress of being undiagnosed has left me with severe anxiety and a diagnosis of psychosis.

[@QuiltingCrow]

Honestly the best presentation about autism I have ever heard. I could connect deeply with everything she said as I experience just the same.

[@karenschuer2275]

QuiltingCrow I can’t stop crying. This is beautiful! I agree this is the best 😊

[@penglingwhisperer3382]

Thank you. I’m the speaker in this talk and it means so much to me to know that my story is helping people.

[@Charity-vm4bt]

@@penglingwhisperer3382 This was very helpful for me to learn what a person experiences and what their limitations are.

[@b4metoo]

I burst into tears watching this. I relate so much. I am 27 and have been ignored and brushed off when I bring up the possibility of ASD. Everything I experience has always been lumped into severe social anxiety, depression, generalized anxiety, being “overly sensitive” or just “being difficult”. In turn of feeling unheard, I learned how to mask all of it. I stopped revealing myself, and I stopped being open. I hid the things that didn’t fit in and that others thought were unacceptable. Thank you for this.

[@davidsawyer6707]

I love watching Ted Talks because I always learn something. Never knew about the scoring for HF autism or the scope of the symptoms. Never knew about stimming or the fact that they do this to make them more comfortable. I'm happy to see that mental illness is getting more recognition today and not looked at like it's something to be ashamed of. The human brain is so complexed and probably most studied organ in our bodies and we still haven't a clue what it is capable of.

[@skylarescue4043]

Your comment really stood out to me.

[@rindrr]

As a late diagnosis myself it is rough

[@LadyInWhite741]

I’m on the spectrum and was diagnosed with ASD first and then a few months later was diagnosed with a genetic connective tissues disease called, Hypermobile Ehlors-Danlos Syndrome. And with EDS, many of us are on the spectrum. Just raising awareness because it took me over 20 years to get diagnosed.

[@marise-cellardoor2031]

That’s really interesting. I’m hyper mobile but don’t have pain. Also neurodivergent (adhd)

[@NSW2040]

My twenties were a series of rejections; being kicked out of flats & share-houses because they needed 'more input', and being fired from my dream job for showing ' a complete lack of interest' Was diagnosed about 10 years ago, and this presentation confirms it, especially the description of stimming. I'm in a much better place now, but it took a move to another country.

[@NeyuhB123]

I just recently found out I was Autistic at 40. It is hard to believe that I had no idea. I could not know what I did not know. I stopped taking medication which finally allowed me to think freely, but this freedom is extremely overwhelming.

[@m3cvfm]

Very moving. I am autistic (ASD) Asperger Syndrome. I am 65 years old.

[@joybeum7177]

I am very impressed that you have the ability to go onstage and and speak the way you do. That requires a great deal of self control and GUTS! Thank you for enlightening us. 😊🙏

[@roserivas336]

Omg!! I think I recently found out my boyfriend could be autistic and he’s adopted! I feel like he’s been masking his whole life including with me ! This really opened my eyes ❤️ He broke up with me recently and it took me to hang out with a friend of mine who is autistic and as I was explaining to her what happened in our relationship, she told me he could be autistic ! I see all the signs and I hope me and him can work things out to be better for each other! ❤️❤️

[@maleneaakre8055]

I cried so much watching this. She is explaining my life

[@gabriellaberman]

A lot of this was very relatable to me, as i was diagnosed with ADHD at 20, early this year. I always felt like I was a bit different from the people around me. But being a woman and having masked most of my life, it went under the radar. Getting diagnosed has been one of the best things that’s happened to me

[@tamaragriesel4783]

Oh that's why Christmas makes me so anxious.

[@reyliw]

I had a bad day today. I tried to twitch my fingers as Carrie showed in the video, and in within seconds my anxiety was completely gone! I started to cry, it was such a bright and pleasant feeling of calmness! Have I finally found a way to calm down when something goes wrong and ruins my day? I'm 31. Better late than never. I hope I belong to the Spectrum and get an official diagnosis soon because it will explain so much and help me to get rid of shame and guilt. I still have no friends or personal realationships.

[@ryansuttree8054]

Hearing the air at “11” was a huge stressor as a child in classroom. And the ticking clock at “11” and the grinding pencil sharpener at “11”. I was always sure I was the only one.

[@LuvBugBlaqkHart]

This was so perfect and she is so articulate! I started to cry at the end because I really resonate with some of her story. She experienced a lot worse than me though. I'm so glad she's doing much better now 💚

[@createseventyeight3082]

How terrible experiencing such intense symptoms and having no idea what is going on.

[@scottdrury7404]

Thank you for this. I wish I, and my parents, could have seen this 50 years ago, when I was a child. I am only now understanding that I am autistic, and what that means. I finally understand that I’m not broken like I always thought. I am different than what society demands. I just wish I could meet other autistic adults, to feel free to unmask in their presence.

[@Beekind799]

drink 500 ml volvic mineral water every day fora month and let me know how you are feeling

[@Beekind799]

@@custombatchservices6981 get your child to drink 500 ml volvic mineral water every day for a month and let me know if she is better

[@zeromonster3381]

I was diagnosed a few days ago, at 59 years old! I didn't even know what masking or stimming was. Now that I know all this, it's so obvious. I have been masking my whole life and, trust me, it's exhausting. I feel so much relief at finally understanding. Thank you. You literally told my life story. Brava!