Is domestic violence against men the white elephant in the room? Discuss issue with McKenzie friend

[@MckenzieFriendGrahamFletcher]

Call me now on 07906 956035 for a free 15 minute chat (9am-9pm). Find out what help I offer you to resolve your co-parenting dispute. Help writing statements, positioning your case,preparing for cafcass interviews & negotiating with your ex-partner/their lawyer

[@gilgamecha]

So true Graham. When I first sought out DV victim support the support worker disbelieved everything I said and accused me of being the abuser. So much for "believe the victim". That was Southwark. For a few years I just went back to putting up with it, afraid to seek help. Years later my next partner was also abusive. Every DV facility I approached only ran male perpetrator, female victim programs. One place was sympathetic and willing to take me on and try to help as long as I was formally signed up as a male perpetrator. They could not guarantee me confidentially and in fact had an obligation to report me so I declined. There was one privately funded organisation doing male victim support and this was a gay male charity in Brighton. And the one exception was a facility in Plunstead doing family systems therapy that used the co-abuser concept. That was the closest any public funded organisation came to a male victim support program. Various groups that were sympathetic explained that there was simply zero funding for male victim support. The place in Plumstead that took a Family Systems approach was closed down that same year, as their methodology was objected to to by commissioning bodies. I guess if you insist "all women must be believed" then the corollary is "women NEVER commit DV".

[@MckenzieFriendGrahamFletcher]

thanks for sharing your insights on your experience of the system and sad to hear the family systems approach service was closed down

[@gilgamecha]

One of the many things that is needed in law is a "no fault, no prejudice" separation order that puts a separating couple in different places without an implication of guilt and without prejudice to the eventual child arrangements order. I sought one of these but my barrister said it was not possible even by consent. It would require a statute to support it.

[@MckenzieFriendGrahamFletcher]

As i see it family courts feature the divorces that go sour and therefore involve either 1 or both parents who choose to see the ex-partner as a "evil" and to be attacked , rather than look at why they choose to be with each other.I see that a high % of relationships are entered into and explored consensually.Both people choose to be part of it, for a multitude of emotional and psychological reasons.a lot of past baggage can be carried into relationships and unfold as people get to know each other over time.Often people repeat family patterns modelled by parents.it is such a complex thing to unpick and often it is presented by lawyers that their client is a "perfect" person (when in reality they don't ask for any evidence to the contrary). it unfortunately it is therefore for the accused to decide whether to counter allege and name the "perfect" clients conduct back to the court to balance the picture being considered. Very tough situation to go through given all that you have mentioned for sure

[@gilgamecha]

@@MckenzieFriendGrahamFletcher I very largely agree, though I would say it only takes one, not two, to decide to go to court. If excessive demands are made (and again it only ends up in court if excessive demands are made) then the other party is in court not through choice but as the only alternative to giving in to unfair demands. I also think the courts understanding of separations is hugely skewed by what comes before them: by definition they never see an amicable separation, and also never see what modern community values would consider to be fair arrangements.

[@MckenzieFriendGrahamFletcher]

Hi,It's a tough system to navigate through to achieve positive outcomes but I have helped many do so. Not all situations end up as you describe but there are many elements that you name that exist as norms of thinking and process.At each stage you always have a choice on what decisions you make.They may be very tough ones to make but you can influence and navigate your way through with a understanding of the potholes to avoid

[@gilgamecha]

I found it was actually the police who were the most realistic and understanding. They of course see first hand the evidence of DV against men. But there was nothing they could do about it and strongly advised not to press charges as it would achieve nothing. I put up with abuse for years as most men do and only started calling the police when the marriage was already basically over. We were just living apart in the same house and her violence escalated. As I had nothing more to try to salvage in the marriage I just called the police to protect myself.

[@MckenzieFriendGrahamFletcher]

I'd like to think if sufficient evidence then police would act if a victim pushed them to press charges whether a male or female victim. I have heard of situations where police have acted on DV to men and pressed charges

[@gilgamecha]

@@MckenzieFriendGrahamFletcher Yes the police will act and do act. Sorry I did not mean to suggest otherwise. But equally they will dissuade men from pressing charges and often only do so reluctantly. I think this is often from genuine goodwill as they see from their own experience that is typically achieves nothing other than to make it worse, particularly if the family has young children.

[@MckenzieFriendGrahamFletcher]

Hopefully police practice will change and develop to embrace all possible scenarios. It must be so difficult to make a judgement if one person is the sole source of a dispute or incident