Is Intimacy Anorexia Intentional? | Dr. Doug Weiss

[@saundracohen4032]

This is really tough. Sometimes I wonder if the relationship is worth this much trouble. 😒

[@katiejane6761]

It's just fucking not. There is a man/woman out there who will meet all your needs without excuses.

[@Mulania007]

No, it's not and if it is to someone then they need to take a good look at themself in the mirror and dig at what happened in their childhood to make them think it's okay to be in a painful relationship. Trust me, I left feeling starved of touch, human intimacy, and the humanness of a person.

[@mi8345]

😥

[@beepboop5272]

It's not. You need to run yesterday.

[@inspiredmomma7]

Same it’s just overwhelming and it’s heart wrenching.

[@nelvarinard6469]

At this point it has been 31 years of abuse, neglect, rejection, gaslighting and 11 and a half years of no intimacy in any way shape or form. I am broken and the breaking of my heart, soul and spirit was done intentionally by the man that used to be my whole world. He intentionally chose to hurt me and almost destroyed me. I am still standing. There is no going back.

[@terrywade3696]

Nelvarinard: Your description of your husband sounds like he’s a narcissist. There’s no cure for that creature. I hope you’ve left him and you’re working on your own healing.

[@Just.Another.Number]

Your story is a mirror of mine. Oh the wasted youth and good years... I hope you are healing better than me.

[@Timbertrussminifarm]

My husband blames it on being burnt out from work constantly, being overwhelmed, & stressed….SO he knows what causes it…i address it & he says “I try to but when we argue about it, I tend to pull away.” So it’s work & me bringing up his behavior 🥴

[@gvintage]

Yes it's intentional in my case. The more he knew it bothered me the more he would withhold. Literally would stonewall me when I would want to talk about it. Then switched to something was wrong with me and this really wasn't happening. I was aware of the reality but he wanted me to question my reality. He needed to control me, have me in an emotional state, punish me. So cruel. We are divorcing.

[@Timbertrussminifarm]

My husband blames it on being burnt out from work, constantly being overwhelmed, & stressed….SO he knows what causes it…i address it & he says “I try to change but when we argue about it, I tend to pull away.” So it’s work & me bringing up his behavior

[@Patsanford220]

My husband, anytime I bring it up: gets mad, says “why do you always bring these things up at the worst possible time, I’m at work!!” Well He’s ALWAYS at work, that’s the problem and it’s been since day 1 He chose his career over his marriage and I accepted it for too long to my own detriment He chooses not to live with me So when, exactly, am I supposed to bring these things up? When is the right time? Because in all the times I have and he’s promised to talk about it “on Tuesday “, that talk has never happened in 12 years.

[@inspiredmomma7]

I’ve already gone through the gut wrenching heart wrenching pain of realizing the abuse is intentional. That he’s not a normal human who wants to get a long and have a relationship but that he’s out to hurt me. So much of therapy doesn’t work when it’s abusive. I’m just now awakening to this term and construct of I A . It’s been debilitating pain it’s physically hurting as all of the years wasted and all of the love I’ve had to give and needed to receive is just lost. I feel this is all just a form of abuse. He knows my love languages we went thru that …he does the opposite. His is acts of service so he’s set me up that I’m constantly doing and doing and it’s never enough and boy does he let me know about it! We have a special needs child so I’m just in a sink hole with this man. He is all talk when he gets in trouble as you say and I start getting agitated and asking for connection he will put on the mr nice guy act and then Reins it back in starving me out. I just don’t know what to think or feel about this. I’m feeling like on top of everything he doesn’t even really see anything wrong with himself so little self awareness and constant projection on to me, I’m feeling like it’s too overwhelming …that this will only further prolong the hell im living in and prolong the inevitable which is we need to not try to be in a relationship any longer.

[@DrDougWeiss]

I am sad that you are experiencing this trauma and pain. I would start with yourself getting help and healing. If he doesn't get specific help for himself, this will continue and get worse. If you'd like, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join for support. You are not alone in this. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/

[@christievans8287]

Wow! You just wrote out my marriage situation including the special needs child situation. Ours is slightly different because we found out our child’s disability is actually part of a terminal genetic illness which has only increased the lack of intimacy from my husband. He is so angry with the diagnosis that he has withdrawn emotionally and spiritually from every part of my life. I feel like I am drowning under the weight of sadness, loneliness, loss and most of all regret for the wasted years. I cannot provide the physical care for our son by myself and that is the absolute only reason that I have not divorced him and completely walked away.

[@danilaroche1156]

Are you married? I think this withholding is, according to the Bible..a stronghold. Is your partner a follower of Christ? That's key.

[@melkerner]

I believe sometimes it goes hand in hand with an avoidant type whose safe space is inside their head, withdrawn from the world. The intimacy anorexia provides the safe space of isolation and removes any vulnerability or risk in their relationships. Doesn't come up with casual relationships, just the "risky" intimate ones. Just a theory, I could be wrong.

[@Lehmann108]

Good insight here.

[@fruitypopwhickle6806]

He lied. Gaslit. Insulted. Disrespected. Treated me as less than. Took advantage of me. Never did anything for me unless it benefited him. He withheld sex, communication and all forms of intimacy. He nearly broke me. He couldn't treat me like a human being and he made it very difficult to leave him. I finally broke free. Being with him was hell on earth. You can't fix broken people. They will cut you with their shards.

[@bunMami22]

😢

[@marshareed1438]

I went through 30 yrs of it. My ex husband did break me multiple times. I had a nervous breakdown and I had to go on antidepressants multiple times. Many times I wanted to kill myself & all along he knew exactly what he was doing to me. I went into his office & saw a note pad and it said, “I need to make Marsha happy”. Well it’s sad to say that he chose not to bcz that gave him the power that need thrived on. I finally did some things that made him divorce me. These types of men can’t handle their own treatment. We divorced in 2020 & I’ve been at peace ever since! I honestly don’t think that I’ll ever marry again bcz I haven’t met one man who doesn’t watch porn or even use it as an excuse when they get mad at a woman. We get the blame for everything that they do wrong lol

[@Patsanford220]

You can’t fix broken people. They will cut you with their shards. Wow. SO well said. ❤❤❤

[@jessyon6274]

That sounds like a whole lotta work that I am not going to deal with. If your partner can’t be intimate with you, if it’s causing you to be withdrawn, depressed, and feel lonely. Leave them. A relationship shouldn’t be this hard. People need to start healing before they date. Period. You’re not my responsibility and I’m Not a kindergarten teacher. I’ve been dealing with this for almost 3 years. I’m done.

[@materialgirl338]

I have dealt with for 25 plus yrs intentionally not having sex with me I stood in it bc i did not want two angry boys. I have created a very securely and successful mN raising happy healthy 3 beautiful girls. Its not for me but for his girls. Where are talking about serious money

[@marshareed1438]

People who act like this are very weak so they act like this to feel powerful. They will always lose in the long run!

[@gracecallowayable]

They did enough to get us in their grips!!! That’s intentional!!!

[@tljrow5702]

Thank you Dr Weis! My son is dealing with this now and going through your clinic. I am so thankful he found you! Blessings to you and your family!

[@TTBO31]

This information changed my entire perspective.

[@Wingsandflowers77]

They won't take responsibility for their flaws. Leave and take care of yourself. Work on loving yourself, becoming a better more powerful you. Dont rush into having another relationship until you heal and change first. It is doable.

[@gracecallowayable]

This seems more narcissistic than anything!!! Covert Narcissism!!! There’s no excuse for such evil!!!🤷🏽‍♀️

[@MsSimpleMovies]

It can be. But, my husband is a victim of his mother. He's a good man who was used like an object by a covert narcissist. He has moments of breakthroughs, and growth spurts. Sometimes he realizes he's acting like her, and changes. He's made major strides, and he really hates this oppression that's continued even after his mother's death.

[@Lehmann108]

I'd argue that for many people it is not intentional. It is a coping mechanism of a dysfunctional relationship. However you are still 100 % responsible for your behavior including your IA. You first need to become aware of doing it and the second, deeper step, is understanding why you are doing it. Often it functions as an avoidant defense to prevent you from dealing with more core issues in the relationship. So, there is no need to argue whether IA is intentional or not. You are always 100% responsible for your behavior.

[@andreabrunkow9314]

My husband and I are probably going to do the 5 day intensive. He grew up in an intimacy anorexic family and I grew up with an abusive mother. We're both pretty screwed up and it really shows in our marriage. I especially exacerbated the problem of his intimacy anorexia with my bad behavior in reaction to it. I think that I've become reactively anorexic on top of the other ways that I've made things worse.We have a lot of hard work ahead of us. One of the many problems we've faced is that we'll find a video course or something and he quits working it. This is so painful and just makes the whole thing worse. I'm extremely concerned about this happening after the intensive. This is pretty much our last hope for a good relationship.

[@DrDougWeiss]

Your concern is legitimate. Only he can decide if he truly wants to heal. We also have support available with our Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/

[@bunMami22]

I'm with you. 😢 almost the same story ... we are saving up to travel for the intensive.

[@Timbertrussminifarm]

I remember one time we went to this really nice condo by the lake. On day 2 his parents visited. Me & him were in the bedroom (mid day)…& i was begging for it…he kept saying “not till later”. Me:please??? Him….not till later….Me:please?????? Him…not till later till after the kids are asleep. Me:….thinking….but, we’re married……

[@mariaberardi4961]

Where do I even begin

[@DrDougWeiss]

You can check out intimacyanorexia.com which has a lot of information and resources regarding this. Whether you are intimacy anorexic or the partner of an intimacy anorexic, you can get help. You can call our office at 719-278-3708 and we can book you with a counselor/coach or help you join one of our support groups (via phone or Facebook). You are not alone in this.

[@Artography_Inc]

Referring to consequences saying, you can't kick them out of the bed, or the bedroom or house, that we should be the one who leaves.... YAHHHH RIGHT?! lol. I don't think so! If they're knowingly doing something ON PURPOSE and its intentional? I shouldn't have to be the one inconvenienced to have to leave to go anywhere. i Have been inconvenienced and dealt with enough. That is not a consequence to allow them to say and be perfectly comfortable in the bed or bedroom etc. while i have to pack up and leave and go God knows where. Screw that lol. Sorry i had to disagree with that part.

[@JohnDretired]

Interesting video. So, someone who always generates an argument or disagreement with their partner out of sometimes thin air, or way out of proportion to the situation, and does this every few days, could be an intimacy anorexic person.

[@ABar83376]

I’m trying to educate myself more because I couldn’t understand why everything was happening. But a lot of this makes sense.

[@ashleyschneider5312]

Yes, passive aggressive behavior….

[@tennesseerose6400]

Yes I believe it's Intentional=Because he told me that 'all kinds of Unforgivable excuses=was all my fault(yet I still tried =I couldn't handle all the Rejection it was only hurting myself so I stopped) =I found out his ex had the same problems with him= so strange to find that out= now I see him look at me in a sexual way=I don't feel like that anymore =he out played his own self= I don't trust him now he lies so much= He acted like I deserved nothing = now I feel nothing like that/ not even friends =

[@ABar83376]

So they push you away and then blame you for feeling this way?

[@DrDougWeiss]

Yes. If you are dealing with this, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join for support. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/

[@samtabulous7295]

@@DrDougWeiss sad it’s only for woman. Story of my recovery life…no one wants a man around who needs help.

[@DrDougWeiss]

@@samtabulous7295 We do have a Facebook support group for men who are partners/spouses of intimacy anorexics and sex addicts. facebook.com/groups/supportgroupSAIA/ We also have counseling available as well if you're interested. You can call us at 719-278-3708 for more information. You are not alone in this.

[@samtabulous7295]

@@DrDougWeiss Thanks Doug. I’m glad there is one for men too. Do you want me to delete my comment or would you prefer it stays for the next man looking?

[@jensbornagain]

My husband said I push him away when I cry over his affair. And then gets very distant but won’t take responsibility for why I am crying

[@NevaFreeman-fr6vu]

Can you be both sex addict and I intimacy anorexic? 28 year marriage and 15 years of no intimacy. . In therapy but overwhelmed by his denial.

[@BrendaBaBoom]

Married Abuser: Reciprocity? What’s that?

[@denaaustinmiller1331]

wow, this is very important.

[@user-tv2em4bv3m]

If a husband wont touch his wife. How do i know if he has IA or if he is cheating?

[@DrDougWeiss]

He could do a polygraph so you could see. Either way, your trauma from this is real. We have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group that can provide support for you if you'd like to join. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/

[@kino7539]

Background music is distracting

[@ashleyschneider5312]

From what I gather, it’s an attachment disorder that begins in childhood…. Is this the same aspect?

[@DrDougWeiss]

It can be part of that, or a result of a sex addiction, or a reaction to sexual abuse.

[@ashleyschneider5312]

@@DrDougWeiss thank you for clarifying!

[@melissamariephoto]

But how do you get your partner to go to the doctor to rule out health issues and then move to the solution. My partner refuses to make a doctor appointment and says he doesn't think he needs to, that there's not any issue. We keep reliving the argument of lack of intimacy, physical touch, words of affirmation. And nothing changes. I'm just to the point of being done. There is just so much pain.

[@DrDougWeiss]

Your pain is real. No medical condition causes you to withhold love. Accept that he will stay the same and then decide how you want to invest your one life. The DVD "He Needs To Change" and "Why Do I Stay, When It Doesn't Make Sense" can be helpful. www.drdougweiss.com/product/he-needs-to-change-dr-weiss-dvd/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-do-i-stay-dvd/

[@paulabowden4779]

Oh Doctor this is me! I’m a sex abuse survivor married to a severe sex addict. He’s done nothing but cheat on me for 46 years of abuse. He’s distant and won’t let me into his world. Just his affair partners are allowed in his life. I’ve been used and abused. I’ve tried so hard!

[@DrDougWeiss]

The pain and trauma you have experienced from this is real and heartbreaking. Check out partnerbetrayaltrauma.org You might want do a phone session or join a group for support regarding this. We have a Partners of Sex Addicts phone group and Facebook group you can join. You are not alone. www.drdougweiss.com/partner-group/ facebook.com/groups/partnersofsa/

[@danilaroche1156]

He's chronically cheating and abusing you? Your in danger..separate for now.

[@FHIPrincePeter]

You speak a lot about what they do. But nothing about the WHY ? What do they get out of being distant to the one that should be closest to them? What MADE them to become like that ?

[@DrDougWeiss]

They are several different reasons which include sex abuse, sex addiction, and not attaching to the opposite gender parent during childhood. The Intimacy Anorexia book/DVD go more into the whys. www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-book/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/

[@FHIPrincePeter]

@@DrDougWeiss Thank you for your detailed reply.

[@SciFiAng]

Have you explored this dynamic with patients/couples that are Neurodivergent? I think there is some nuance there to be explored.

[@ernestcervantes696]

Is recovery from Intimacy Anorexia supposed to create more stress and heartache before it gets better? I've read through the book and currently working through the workbook. I'm also making deliberate attempts at correcting my Intimacy Anorexia behaviors and working on increasing intimacy between me and my wife, but she's rejecting my efforts and just not having it. She's not receptive, and infact she further highlights my faults. It's a difficult pill to swallow to admit fault and error and especially to admit deliberate intent when it just happened and I know what my intent was. But I must not only take responsibility, but also convince myself that this wasn't a "mistake"... rather I did it on purpose...This feels like self mortifying emasculation. I love my wife dearly and want to restore my marriage. But I'm beginning to feel like perhaps I'm being selfish by keeping her in this marriage.

[@DrDougWeiss]

You would do good to watch the Married & Alone DVD to understand where she is coming from. It will take you being consistent over time for her to believe you. Also the DVD Helping Her Heal, on the 2nd disc, the exercise "Understanding Her" will help you to be able to validate her in these situations. You might also consider doing an intensive to help you both. www.drdougweiss.com/product/married-alone-dvd/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/helping-her-heal-dvd/

[@walkingwithjesus1353]

Don't ever allow satin to rob you and her of each other. God did not make a mistake when making you, you will be worth her suffering if you stay consistent and heal. You will be the one to make her pain worth it...because you alone have the power to show her how much love you have for her because of her patience and sacrifice.

[@MP-ne6ji]

So you neglected her for years but bc you decide to try and make things better she should fall in line. She shouldn’t have any resentment for your abusive behavior?

[@ernestcervantes696]

@M P Thank you for your feedback. It's been a year since I submitted that comment, and this provides an opportunity for an update. First, you're correct to suggest that I was wrong to be looking for the "easy button". In my mind, I had hoped for something like, "look at my changes... let's just let all the past issues go and everything can be happy-go-lucky." I can't say that things are better today than they were a year ago, but I'm doing my best to make changes and sustain said changes long enough to demonstrate that they aren't temporary. I still struggle to make the necessary changes (I'm thick-headed like that), but thanks be to God, my wife is still with me and I'm working on myself. This has proven to be more difficult than initially expected, and I continue to see my role in our problems.

[@kasspriscilla9350]

I have suffered from love addict anorexia social and emotional I don't know about sexual but I have suffered this for decades and your right it's always the same no matter where I go or if I am involved with someone I am sadly stuck and need help desperately 😢

[@DrDougWeiss]

You can contact Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708 and we can get you booked with one of our therapists to help you through this. We also have helpful resources and support groups available that you can join as well. You are not alone in this.

[@kasspriscilla9350]

@@DrDougWeiss thank you so much I will check this out and give them a call God bless

[@manyapaschalidou1153]

Hello. Do you know the percentage out of the men who have realized they have IA, who have actually recovered?

[@DrDougWeiss]

There is no way to study this unfortunately. The people who do the work heal. Those who don't do the work, don't heal.

[@manyapaschalidou1153]

@@DrDougWeiss Thank you. I joined the Married and alone fb group. Is there such a fb group for my husband? I mean only for men with IA.

[@DrDougWeiss]

@@manyapaschalidou1153 We only have phone groups for men with IA. You can call us at 719-278-3708 for more information about them.

[@manyapaschalidou1153]

Thank you

[@estherthomas8872]

What would many of these similar characteristics be called of the person ISN'T withholding intimacy on purpose? Not intending to hurt the other person at all. Also what would it be called if you're someone who has been badly hurt by your spouse and you've developed a way of being with them that creates a protective armour around your heart to keep you from getting really severely hurt again because you don't trust them?

[@VeronicaBeishuizen]

If they have been in counselling for Intimacy Anerexia for 3 1/2 yrs, and there are still relapses, how much longer until they are in recovery

[@watchmeheal1176]

What are your thoughts on the IA as they age- do they ‘worsen’ as they get older?

[@DrDougWeiss]

Yes, if they don't get help, they will get worse and withhold more. If you need support, we have a Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group you can join for support and resources. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/

[@Hippiegoatchik]

Why do people get into long term relationships of they know they are this way?

[@DrDougWeiss]

There are many selfish and selfless reasons we all get into relationships. If the relationship is causing you pain, then it might be best to talk to someone who specializes in this area. You can call us at 719-278-3708 if you would like to make an appointment with one of our intimacy anorexia certified therapists. You might also want to watch "Unstuck" and "Why Do I Stay" for helpful insight and information. www.drdougweiss.com/product/unstuck-video-download/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/why-do-i-stay-video-download/

[@michelleluxmore7525]

Can you be both? I feel like my spouse is the anorexic, but when im lost and hurt i find myself shutting down emotionally, becoming depressed, and ignoring my spouse refusing to talk. Are we both anorexic?

[@DrDougWeiss]

It depends. It is possible for both people to be anorexic. It could also be due to reactive intimacy anorexia. The DVDs Intimacy Anorexia and Reactive Intimacy Anorexia would provide better understanding on these matters. Tgweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/reactive-intimacy-anorexia-dvd/ www.drdougweiss.com/product/unstuck-dvd/ You can also contact Heart To Heart Counseling Center at 719-278-3708 if you are interested in doing counseling and joining our support groups for help, encouragement, and guidance. You are not alone in this.

[@michelleluxmore7525]

@@DrDougWeiss thank you, I did find the videos on reactive IA. I believe that is me. I only have 2 of the 10 IA symptoms. My spouse has 9. He purchased the DVD and workbooks. I called the counseling

[@debbiemiller8018]

These people have no soul the do this s*** to you none😢

[@rodgerhall5640]

What if as I learn this , that there are clearly some traits that is my wife for sure , how can I bring this across , she thinks it’s all me

[@DrDougWeiss]

That can be a challenge. The KZbin video, "My Spouse Thinks I'm IA" could help. kzbin.info/www/bejne/bHrGpZmBgNObg7M You can also watch the IA DVD together. Her response will tell you if she is willing. www.drdougweiss.com/product/intimacy-anorexia-dvd/ Also if you haven't already, join our men's married and alone Facebook group. facebook.com/groups/supportgroupSAIA/

[@brendareed5050]

Is this a progressive behavior that worsens over time? Also, can illness cause a husband to loose desire for sex and intimacy after 40 years of marriage?

[@DrDougWeiss]

Yes this is a progressive behavior that worsens over time; your pain gets worse too. As for your second question, it's possible but it would not stop him from wanting you to have orgasms. Your pain from living this is real. If you'd like, we have support available in our Married & Alone phone group and Facebook group if you'd like to join. www.drdougweiss.com/married-and-alone-group/ facebook.com/groups/MarriedandAlone/

[@renukadevibs9546]

Gangstalked by his family members & my society people with lots lots of. gaslighting & smearcampaighning Now he is discarded me and abusi g verbally manipulation thro finances other comforts by regular insults. Kids now in peak periodof academically dependent. So difficult for me to decide what to do???? Plz need your advice. THANK YOU SO MUCH

[@terrywade3696]

Renuka Devi: He sounds more like a narcissist. These examples you’ve listed are classic narcissist tactics of abuse. “Gangstalking” is also called “the flying monkeys”(as seen in The Wizard of Oz). Narcissists “triangulate” with others by roping them in to your arguments so he can “sic” on you. This alienates you from all friends and family who’re now on his side purely from his ability to manipulate them. Run! Run away as fast and as far as you can. Good luck to you.

[@monicastrange4080]

What causes someone to be an intimacy anorexic?

[@DrDougWeiss]

There are several different reasons one might become an intimacy anorexic. It can stem from past sex abuse/trauma, sex addiction, parental role model neglect, or cross gender parental neglect, to name a few.

[@davepritchard4050]

Me need your help

[@DrDougWeiss]

You can call us at 719-278-3708 and we can help you get more information depending on your situation, as well as suggest materials or get you scheduled with a counselor/coach.

[@fishstickbio594]

It’s called being scammed .

[@debbiemiller8018]

Really doesn't help when his mother is the one who had sex with him ruined his entire mental mind😢😮

[@leekumiega9268]

My late wife of 33 years was affectionate and interested in sex before marriage and until our second child was born at which point sex went from 3-4 times a week to 3-4 times a year to nothing at all. When sex started to dwindle I said you can't tell me you did not enjoy it to which she said she faked it ,I then asked then why are the sheets soaked since I could last until she had at least 2 orgasms or around 20 minutes. She started to criticize everything I did and could hold a grudge forever. I would ask what I did wrong to which she said nothing. I had a good job so she was able be a stay at home mom and she would put 12 thousand miles a year on her car. I should of been suspicious but WE went to church every week and she became morbidly obese so I did not think she was cheating but after she died I found that she was SEXTING other guys.

[@elizabethg9346]

This is really tough as you got no closure for yourself here and found out what happened after your wife passed. I am coming out of a 22 year relationship with a man who is a sexual anorexic and I really thought I was going mad as he would tell me, nothing has changed, I love you, etc but no intimacy, hugs, sex or anything! He froze me out. He made me look like I was crazy and gaslighted me - trying to make me feel it was all in my head. I have ptsd now and ended up on Zoloft, but he is gone (I asked him to leave). I’m so torn as I tried for over 20 years - but like you, I discovered he was flirting or texting others throughout our marriage and yet I was sitting there craving basic love and affection - sex would have been great, but I got to the point I just needed some kind love and affection. I feel angry and hurt as I wasted all of those years when I could have had a loving and full relationship with someone else who did not treat me this way! All I wanted was a warm, loving relationship with him - I feel he did use his sexual anorexia to keep me away. I don’t understand why he married me or could do this to me? Why did I deserve this? Awful. I feel for you too x

[@stilo398]

@@elizabethg9346 When I married my wife, as newlyweds a guy in my church conversed with my wife a long time at his company's barbeque (where I was employed). He was an expert salesman and knew people, motivations etc.. The next day he said to me, "Your wife is going to defraud you." I had already seen a few red flags, but it's just gotten worse over the years, around 17 years without sex or even hand holding, kissing. What is worse is my daughter lives at home and is unmarried in her 30s and is Mom's best friend. Mom sleeps on the LR couch and when I walk down in the morning she doesn't wake up, but when daughter is down there before me, she is up, awake talking and the coffee is on. I am alone, without a friend in the world, except God, but only his Spirit is here. He does make it bearable though. I can't leave, there's too much invested, but she has destroyed her marriage. SHe tries doing little things to help me, but has ignored the greatest duty of a wife. Her body is not hers to withhold intimacy, it is under my authority. Likewise with mine, hers. Ugh, this whole thing is so nasty.

[@stylus2253]

By this point, it doesn't matter, folks. Carry your cross! I'm convinced God matched up people with great intention.

[@nkennedy6555]

You always matter! Don't blame God for the negative behavior of another person. We are not robots, we have free will. We get to choose.

[@stilo398]

@@nkennedy6555 I meant at this time in my life it doesn't matter, bc I'm over the hill. You can't make a person like sex, but if the other person doesn't change, and wants to live with you, you must carry your cross. The husband is supposed do this, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her..." Ephesians 5:25 'In sickness and in health, for better or for worse' isn't in the Bible, but it is a Biblical idea.

[@walkingwithjesus1353]

I understand you, but I'm going to get healing. I won't let my ignorance sabotage my relationship with Christ. When we don't understand why we are being hurt...and we don't understand why or how we got there...carring our cross becomes our own trap. When i carry my cross...i choose to carry it..and i accept the full load and because I made those choices, not because I was manipulated or deceived by anyone else.

[@stylus2253]

@@walkingwithjesus1353 So much of my Christian faith is about hoping. I don't have anything in hand of the promises of God, it is all spiritual. But someday it will be fully realized. Intimacy anorexics don't have the full picture. They're building with wood, hay and stubble, when they neglect their marriage and someday what they've built with their works is going to burn. What my wife has done has affected so many other areas of our life, mostly my motivation to excel. We are now among the masses of the mediocre.

[@stylus2253]

11¶But he said unto them, All men cannot receive this saying, save they to whom it is given. 12“For there are eunuchs who were born that way from their mother’s womb; and there are eunuchs who were made eunuchs by people; and there are also eunuchs who made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. The one who is able to accept this, let him accept it.” So, some stop asking God for deliverance, bc they esteem the rewards of suffering-- even at the hands of evil-- greater riches. Esteeming the reproach of Christ greater riches then the treasures in Egypt: for he had respect vnto the recompense of the reward. And this: 35Women received their dead raised to life again: and others were tortured, not accepting deliverance; that they might obtain a better resurrection: ~Hebrews 11