It's kind of sad ► HECU sit.

Hey guys, how are you? I want to share with you my problems and experiences, which I have not spoken about anywhere, and which in fact have not been surrendered to anyone here, but I believe that it will be useful for me. To be honest, I'm not doing well at the moment - I'm starting to get frustrated with the actions of people close to me and even the actions I'm taking. For months now, I've been feeling nervous all the time, like thousands of butterflies in my stomach. For months now, I've been feeling nervous all the time, like thousands of butterflies in my stomach. Most often, "butterflies" are mentioned during pleasant events and feelings, but unfortunately this is not my case. Now it is extremely difficult for me to have the strength to open my eyes and start this "new" painful day again. Time seems slow and merciless, as if every hour has turned into infinity, making every minute feel like a heavy burden. Right now, it's incredibly difficult for me to start doing something that I love or that I'm interested in - instead, I'm just sitting idle, spending my time monotonously staring at a blank screen. Every action or preparation for action causes me incomprehensible feelings and a lot of doubts that seem to have no basis, but they seem to be making a swarm of noise inside me. As a result, there is a debilitating feeling of fatigue that makes me stop what I started before it even starts. My words sound like whining now, but in reality it feels so painful, like my heart is being torn apart. In those moments, I just want to bury my face in my pillow and sink into the abyss of oblivion, forget my pain, forget myself, forget about everyone, forget about everything.
In the midst of all this, I have trouble sleeping - I often wake up with the feeling of falling, forget even the simplest words, and it seems that my fantasy has lost its vividness and I stop dreaming. Even music and movies, which used to give me satisfaction, no longer evoke the same emotional response that helped me.
Recently, I've noticed that I've started to pay attention to my own laughter, you know, I'm always laughing and smiling, but how good am I? That's the question, isn't it? I think people are starting to notice that it's getting unnatural and cloying. In the past, it was always easy and pleasant for me to laugh - there was only the slightest opportunity to smile, and I gladly took advantage of it. Laughter for me was a way to show this unfortunate life that I was still here, that I had the power of laughter, that I didn't give a shit about these problems! But now everything has changed. My laughter became somehow alien, forced, even crowded. I laugh so strangely, so obviously false, that sometimes I just want to shut up, stop, forget about it All. I'm tired of playing this role, trying to smile, even though it's no longer natural, and was it ever that way?
I feel like I'm losing my direction, I'm just going with the flow, and the further I go, the more I get desperate. Of course, I have the choice to just accept it and take no action. However, the question that worries me is: how long will I be able to keep my light alive under the influence of such powerful external circumstances if I do nothing? Perhaps this question is more rhetorical than one that requires a specific answer. Although there are external events over which I have no control, they occur independently of me, and I am not in a position to influence them in any way. My potential is limited to watching the world around me fade away, and the last spark will be extinguished immediately after the spark.
I would write a lot more, but I'm too lazy. That's it for now.
Thank you very much for your subscriptions and views.
PS The translation was made thanks to the use of a translator, I am not responsible for any inaccuracies and other errors (and I think there are). If you don't find it difficult, I'd be glad if you pointed them out.

[@KINKERSmur]

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