The Life & Times of Belisarius (History Abridged)

[@JackRackam]

Thanks to Infinity Kingdom for sponsoring today's episode! Download it now for mobile: yzdpik.onelink.me/BaRR?pid=KOL&c=Jack-Rackam And PC! v3m.gtarcade.com/?q=627a3430c4fbb174887336 Redeem code: jackrackam

[@BLC888]

May i recommend Louis bonaparte? He was the brother of Napoleon Bonaparte and he basically ran his kingdom on spite and i think he is very interesting after reading on him a bunch

[@febrian0079]

May i recommend a video about the life and death of Gajah Mada, the great General and Mahapatih of the Majapahit Empire

[@kv4648]

Loved the sponsorship segment! I remember reading an actual isekai where the main character reincarnates as an emperor of the Byzantine empire in troubled times and takes over the Italian peninsula set in a world with magic, elves, dwarves, etc. I think it was set after the events of this very video

[@Alfred_Leonhart]

Was that Dance of the Akritai in the beginning I didn’t think many people knew about Farya Faraji?

[@liamnevard1591]

@jackrackam Why does it say History Abridged?

[@byzantineboi8345]

In Procopius secret history he insults literally everyone, except Justinian’s cousin Germanus who everyone thought was just a cool dude

[@yugitrump435]

Every family has that one person everyone loves no matter what, while the rest get the stink eye lmao

[@byzantineboi8345]

@@yugitrump435 I mean I think he earned it, his whole career was cleaning up Justinian and Belisarius messes

[@eedwardgrey2]

Belisarius got better than Theodora at least.........I mean no geese at least........

[@DBZHGWgamer]

It wasn't actually written by Procopius.

[@VeiledSeer]

I read that as popcornius

[@pax6833]

"Oh my god he took the parade" The deadpan delivery is just great. I mean wow what a genius bit of reasoning too from good old Justinian.

[@kitcutting]

I’ve heard of a joke that goes something like: “Vercingetorix, Arminius, and Belisarius walk into a bar” [THE NEXT PART OF THIS JOKE HAS BEEN REDACTED DUE TO HISTORICAL AMBIGUITY.]

[@mortache]

A bar in Germania the town?

[@jamesabestos2800]

@@mortache or the people of foul

[@NathanLucas5]

I know the Theodora scene is funny but the actual quote she gave (and her entire story) is super badass: "We are rich; over there is the sea, and yonder are the ships. Yet reflect for a moment whether, when you have once escaped to a place of security, you would not gladly exchange such safety for death. As for me, I agree with the adage that the royal purple is the noblest shroud"

[@michaelsinger4638]

Theodora also came from very humble origins. She worked her way up to becoming Empress. Not hard to see why she would not want to give it up.

[@CollinMcLean]

@@michaelsinger4638 Not just humble origins, she was an actress (which to the Romans meant stripper which to them meant prostitute) and would've been looked down upon with serious contempt by many. Yet supposedly when she died Justinian never remarried and was never quite as sharp as he was when he had her by his side. And when Justinian was in a coma from Plague she kept the whole empire from tearing apart. She is easily one of history's biggest badasses.

[@NathanLucas5]

@@michaelsinger4638 of course, her whole life story is crazyt

[@akSeR2010]

@@michaelsinger4638 "Worked" her way to the top, meaning fucked her way to the top literally.

[@Pillzpop]

Theodora basically just slapped her giant ovaries on the table and told everybody around her that they were being pussies for running away. And with that bold statement, everybody nutted up.

[@legateelizabeth]

You know Jack's passionate about a subject when there's no blackboard segments. I'm gonna go listen to an entire album of Belissarius music that exists, apparently.

[@jbb4105]

i cant believe that album exists and cant wait to peep it myself when i get home lol

[@akechijubeimitsuhide]

There is also a rarely played but very beautiful Donizetti opera about him :D

[@Marshal_Rock]

Let There be Nothing by Judicator is an awesome album

[@MCKevin289]

It’s let there be nothing by judicator

[@wetwillyis_1881]

Yeah, I now have to go out and listen to that album too.

[@therongjr]

Procopius, that guy who wrote that Justinian's head and body sometimes disappeared, like a demonic Cheshire cat? I'm sure he's a reliable narrator!

[@Spiderfisch]

It is questionable if he really wrote the secret history On the other hand he was an eye witness of most of the events and the only source we have

[@justinbowers2749]

Some people theorize (and I agree) that the reason the Secret History was made was as an insurance policy for Procopius in case Justinian was ever overthrown

[@ShadowGricken]

​@@justinbowers2749 it makes for a really interesting historical case where we have to cut between the two wildly different biases from the same eyewitness primary source, not really something that's happened anywhere else in history

[@ewantaylor2758]

​@@justinbowers2749 The problem in that case is it shows he is someone who would willingly alter facts to ingratiate himself to whomever is in charge, making his primary history untrustworthy too. There's really no way that the secret history doesn't cast doubt Procopius unless someone else wrote it and lied about the author (which of course is another can of worms). I like to treat the whole thing as a reminder that nothing from history can truly be known either way without material evidence, everything else is circumstantial.

[@wabi-sabi6155]

10:35 Belisarius: "We must be righteous! Be like Christ my brothers. " Hun Mercenary: "What?! And kill people?" 15:15 "To think such a powerful City could fall because of one unguarded entrance! Pathetic frankly! Imagine if we ever let something like this happen in Constantinople!! " This was an amazing video of my favourite General.

[@powerist209]

Same goes with Justinian the II (or golden nose prosthetic one) who reclaim his throne via unsecured sewer after sailing from his exile.

[@katyayanjaiswal2110]

The Constantinople line was the best line in the video 😂

[@occam7382]

@@powerist209, somehow, I'm not at all surprised.

[@ZephLodwick]

If Procopius wrote _The Secret History_ today, he'd have put that Theodora was into light novels.

[@ManiacMayhem7256]

Truly heinous

[@year111]

Could be worst she might end up in a young adult novel.

[@_MrPixel_]

Now I want a Justinian, Theodora & Belasarius sitcom

[@DaRoachDoggJR.]

Dont forget his wife and adopted son living next door

[@comettamer]

Agreed

[@Mr.PepeSilvia]

Taped in front of a live studio audience

[@gringlebandersnatch]

🎶 So no one told you Rome was gonna be this way dun dun dun dun dun 🎶

[@ianyork2655]

Actually there’s a historical fiction book on Theodora and her time as a prostitute called Fortune’s child. Sorry I love Theodora that my partner got me an orthodox icon of her

[@georgeptolemy7260]

I like the story convention of Procopius telling Belisarius his own history.

[@mortache]

10:40 "Be like Christ, my brother" "And what, kill people?" Crusades in a nutshell lol

[@seanmcloughlin5983]

Ok NOW you need to do Justinian. You have no choice, you can’t ONLY do Belisarius.

[@JuliusCheemsar]

Narses too

[@michaelsinger4638]

Theodora as well.

[@BlaudracheLP]

I get the idea you watched Extra Historys episode of Justinian I.

[@dr.nosborn6330]

See him try 😂

[@stellviahohenheim]

That's gay haha

[@abrahamolivares9936]

"To think that such a powerful city could fall because of one unguarded entrance." That's called foreshadowing

[@katyayanjaiswal2110]

Indeed!

[@christianbustnes9212]

20 minutes isn’t enough for byzantiums greatest ever general

[@Spiderfisch]

Thats extremely debatable if he really is the best

[@ethancash7735]

@@Spiderfisch Name a better general who did more and conquered more territory and wasn’t a d*ck to everyone

[@flyingtomatosauce3528]

I demand 50

[@menmamadrigal1233]

@cokelover9001 heraclius was caught between a rock and a hard place so he fought back savagely like a cornered animal and he actually succeeded in defeating the persians earning him the title of the first crusader but his reputation marred by the loss of basically half the empire to the muslims

[@nileshkumaraswamy2711]

The story of Justinian and Belisarius is like a test case of what happens when great men collide with historical forces larger than themselves.

[@nathanpangilinan4397]

As Dovahhatty put it, there once was a dream, a dream worth fighting for, a dream called Rome.

[@carltomacruz9138]

I just came from Dovahhatty too! It's interesting how his take of Justinian and Belisarius's relationship is somewhat different from Epic History TV.

[@irish-italianintrovert.8600]

Roman Generals: I have successfully captured this mountain fortress with a giant dirt ramp and siege tower after months of marching troops single file up the entrance and suffering casualties from enemy arrows. Belisarius: Ya so one of my mercenaries found an old water pipe leading into the city I was besieging and I wrote to the enemy commander that I found a way in and asked him to surrender immediately or I would kill them all that night. Lol.

[@deiansalazar140]

Procopius be like: "Nice argument Scholar but give me a source" "My source is that I made it the fuck up!"

[@SymphonyZach]

“A city that can fall from only one unguarded entrance” thyatira would like a word.

[@corbindick8943]

Belisarius is honestly one of my favorite historical figures

[@theawesomeman9821]

he should have been Emperor

[@therac197]

@@theawesomeman9821 a good General doesnt automatically make a good politician

[@ragnarian]

You should do a video on Emperor Aurelian, the belisarius of his time, reclaiming the empire, basically tripling the size of rome when he took the throne.

[@ATemplarIGuess]

And then he got stabbed to death

[@lkcdarzadix6216]

Aurelian is Aurelian he get shit down not weigh down by politics. Aurelian The Restorer of Roman Empire!

[@therac197]

@handri i no He was Iustitian and Belesarius. Aurelian didn't just reunite the empire, he passed massive amount of Reforms and fixed alot of the infrastructure Romes. Additionaly he also brought rome on the path towards monotheism

[@shostysboo]

Can we talk about all those voices Jack did? And the animation is just 🤌🏾💋! What did we do to deserve such high quality content?

[@wyatt8315]

The logical next step for Jack is to talk about Subutai

[@lutterbrot5839]

I have to apologize to you here, Jack. The first time watching your video, I could not bring myself to complete it. Not because I was not interested in the subject matter, quite the contrary, but after you had mentioned that album by "Judicator", I had to look it up posthaste and by the pope, did I fall in love with it. I made amends, mind, watched the video through since then and loved it too, but that music, man, felt like a revelation to me. Cheers man, you are one of the best producers on the platform!

[@JackRackam]

Got me in the first half for sure 😄

[@TransSappho]

I saw Belisarius in the title and immediately fangirled. I may have gotten into a fun debate with my history prof last year who likes Narses

[@CaffeinatedIce]

What a bastard, a Narses fan? UNBELIEVABLE

[@sapphoarnold2610]

Insert spiderman meme pointing that we the same

[@occam7382]

I honestly think both of them were good at their jobs, but when it came to working together, they just sucked ass.

[@TransSappho]

@@sapphoarnold2610 lmao

[@kyleplatter8954]

How did he like Narses?

[@MrMighty147]

The empress going "Oh my god he took the triumph" was hilarious 😂

[@ussgettysburg316]

I wish that Jack would do a video on Michael Collins. There isn't really that much Irish history content on KZbin.

[@ancaconstantin8667]

There is this channel called John D. Ruddy how made two videos about the Irish independence war and civil war

[@ussgettysburg316]

@@ancaconstantin8667 Yes, those videos are very good.

[@seanclancy9746]

I hope you get out of the yards someday

[@CollinMcLean]

Ah Ireland... A land who's entire history is that of a people repeatedly getting suckerpunched and still getting back up everytime. From the Vikings to the Normans to the English to the English to the English and again to the English... And also Scotland when you remember James I started the Ulster plantations but he did that because Scotland wasn't English enough and he blamed Ireland.

[@JudicatorMetal]

Very flattered that 'Let There be Nothing' was a part of your creative process ;D loved the video \m/ just subbed!!

[@JackRackam]

Holy cow, here's a comment I didn't expect! Huge fan, I actually recorded a whole speech for Belisarius inspired by the ending of Strange to the World that I had to cut for time

[@JudicatorMetal]

@@JackRackam That's so cool! Do you have any plans to release it at some point? That would be so fun to hear

[@JackRackam]

@@JudicatorMetal ​I probably won't be releasing it since ultimately I felt it got in the way of the video's pacing, but I'd be happy to email you the audio if you want! Or whatever's the best way to send it to you

[@thetexmexking]

10:10 Ah yes. We all remember the ancient Glock that Belisuarius was known to have owned.

[@ericc9321]

It's been argued quite effectively that Belisarius was actually the END of the western roman empire as an identity rather than some revival. When he marched his way into Italy, all the Italians considered themselves Roman, living in the Roman world culturally, simply in a state that had a loose vassal relationship with the Res Publica rather than direct control. That all changed when Greek speaking Roman troops marched into the penninsula to "return them to Roman control". They said they were Roman, the Roman troops who arrived called them barbarians ruled by a barbarian. Italian identity separate from Roman identity could be said to have been born at the moment they were considered non-Roman by the Emperor and had to find a different way to think of themselves now that they were hostile to what they had considered the one Roman Emperor. Late Roman identity was complex, many 'barbarian' kingdoms after the 'fall of Rome' derived their legitimacy from the Nicaean church which held the Empire as a part of God's divine plan for the world and the Roman Emperor in Constantinople as ruling by the grace of God. The 'reconquest' by Belisarius finally broke that worldview, and bankrupted the Empire besides. Of course the Romans in Constantinople kept better records than the Ostrogoths, so we mostly get their side of the story, the story where the Emperor tried to restore Rome to its former glory and was rejected by the smelly barbarians living in what was once Rome's glorious homeland.

[@CollinMcLean]

That's actually a pretty good analysis... Like Jack said in his video on the Roman Emperor Zeno the Isaurian, it's not like the people of Rome stopped being Roman as soon as a German took over.

[@JuliusCheemsar]

Belisarius and Narses made the ultimate dream team

[@noahlamens7877]

They did hate each other

[@fedda9999]

Narses was Belisarius rival

[@occam7382]

@@fedda9999, Narses was like Tarkin to Belisarius' Thrawn (except Narses wasn't as much of a d*ck).

[@DMFNDreviews]

DUDE THAT JUDICATOR ALBUM SLAYS

[@LifeHackTobi]

I've planned to go to bed when I saw you released a video about Belisarius.. I might be tired tomorrow at work but I'm convinced it was the right decision, after all Belisarius didn't slept 7 hours before beating the persians. Definitly one of my top three generals.

[@Willie5000]

7:50 is possibly the funniest depiction of the Nika Riots I’ve ever seen, well done!

[@Mr.PepeSilvia]

Byzantium Jack is my favorite Jack. I hope you do Michael V one of these days. Him getting ripped out of a church and blinded with hot irons would be particularly silly!

[@jakegarvin7634]

Can you imagine a world where Bellisarius and Flavius Aëtius were emperors

[@jakegarvin7634]

Addendum: Justinian was still cool...Justin too

[@ATemplarIGuess]

@@jakegarvin7634 but not Justin Two

[@jakegarvin7634]

@@ATemplarIGuess damn son you got me I didn't even know there was a Justin II *Googles Furiously*

[@cloudftw113]

@@jakegarvin7634 ...We don't like to talk about him lol

[@matthewsteigauf470]

Reminds me of old EC. I miss Dan and James. Fantastic video about the Roman nobody talk about

[@gamingforever9121]

Before they went fully woke or after ?

[@discountplaguedoctor88]

Belisarius, eh? He's frequently ignored because (in case it couldn't be anymore obvious) the military conquests he went on didn't stick as a long-term success.

[@someguy7723]

For the best. I mean one thing is having to live under Italiens, but Greeks?! There is just so much suffer people can take

[@vorynrosethorn903]

The Black Death tends to do that.

[@discountplaguedoctor88]

@@NiclasLoof Yes, but Belisarius was never Master of Europe.

[@BarryAllen__1A23]

​@@NiclasLoof Compared to alexander who got boo boo and died, caesar who became a pin cushion, and hitler killed by hitler; thats a relatively a better ending for him. His story started on an island and ended on an island

[@garvinanders2355]

That and Western Europe often preferred to downplay or sweep under the rug Byzantine accomplishments. It undercut the narrative of Western Europe rising from the ashes all on its own. Rather than reabsorbing knowledge from the east. I kinda see that a lot towards the Muslim Empires to. Although that's changing.

[@kennyhagan5781]

Jack, the other channels could learn a thing or two from watching your videos. I absolutely love how you have turned the commercial thing into funny content on each video. If television had been this innovative, streaming wouldn't be king right now. Your crew deserves an extra ration of rum,I'd recommend the sweet Puerto Rican stuff that the islanders keep for themselves....look for the silver label. Fair winds to you and yours.

[@ktlau-ph3bi]

"It was his peculiar habit to shoot first and teach lessons second" 😭😭😭 bro i spit my drink at that scene.

[@occam7382]

He and Darth Vader would've gotten along swimmingly.

[@xarusman3223]

Man, this was ace! I really liked this "whacky" narrative style lol ^^

[@yakcm123]

I have been listening to Let There Be Nothing on repeat because of you. Thank you so much for introducing me to this

[@connor8469]

Summer means we get more Rome videos, best time of the year

[@MrBallsworth69]

This is one of the most fun history videos I’ve ever seen, I’d love it if you did a Justinian one I want to see these personalities again

[@shamsquatch9980]

Hey Jack, I just wanna say thank you for mentioning that band. It's high key fire

[@cheese4life]

I really like that you referenced the secret history

[@John.McMillan]

Yes! I've been specifically waiting and hoping for you to cover this one, such great tales.

[@joshp105]

I was just blasting that album on my way home from work and opened KZbin to see this. Jack you must be omniscient Edit: commented before clicking play lmao

[@ColumnBlack]

Alexander. Katherine. Bismarck. They are all great of course, but Belisarius... Belisarius is precious.

[@silveryuno]

You depicted Theadora and Justinian's relationship really well in this~!

[@hungryepicboys8895]

If Extra Credits and their respective series on Justian and Belasaurius leaned into the beautiful drama of this moment in history, this really nailed the chaotic bullshit interspersed throughout

[@Charles-In-Charge]

Most tellings of Belisarius paint him as the most noble of Roman heroes. You painted him as a deeply strange man, and I love it

[@someguysomeone3543]

Im glad to see ye olde graphics being in the entire video. Not to insult the chalkboard ones but this is a lot better.

[@niceguyofgames9490]

Poor Hipatius. A man who did not want to be emperor, yet caught strays for seemingly no reason.

[@KonigHoff]

Belisarius with a Glock... that's some Paradox-level historical accuracy

[@lrx001]

As a Byzantanist, you did a fantastic job on this. I am definitely showing this to my mentor!

[@Julathegreat]

Now that I know you're a fan of victorian operetas - not that there was any reason to ever assume you WEREN'T a fan - I now can only hear you say "Say on" in a way that would introduce a song about a paradox.

[@JackRackam]

You would not believe how often I'll drop a line in conversation and need to quietly restrain myself from continuing the rest of the show. I don't think much of our taste in entertainment, but contrasted with other media it is surprisingly quotable

[@mgradiant]

OMG!! I DIDNT KNOW YOU WERE A FAN OF JUDICATOR! THOSE ARE SOME GREAT FRIENDS OF MINE!!! #ExcuseMeWhilstIFanboiTwoOfMyFavoriteThings ComingTogether

[@mr.bluesky8554]

Finally my BOY is getting the respect he deserves!

[@Makofueled]

I lost my shit with the delivery of him picking the parade

[@evilproductionstudios9659]

“That was a freebie” is slowly becoming a catchphrase on this channel

[@silversweet9211]

This has one of my favorite lines ever from Jack Rackam's videos: "Oh no! We've been isekaied!" 🤣

[@TlalocTlaloc]

I love how he just caps any that dare veere away from his hyper specific set of morals.

[@omnijack]

Thoroughly excellent, and I hate how long it took before I could finally watch this.

[@jbb4105]

if only history class was this entertaining

[@SensaiRyu]

Jack did you?...did you just isekai Bellisarius? By truck-kun no less. Dammit the weeaboo grows stronger daily!

[@mr.t758]

Love that nod to the episodes of Constantine XI and Mehmed II w/ the “Baka Mitai” song playing in the background.

[@aleattorium]

This is the best KZbin channel

[@nomisbman1826]

Maybe an episode on michiel de ruyter, a dutch lad who did wacky shit. He covered his ship in butter and orderd his men to wear only their socks, this way the pirates would slip once they went on deck, and de Ruyter defwnded his ship.

[@velozio]

Huge w for including the music god Farya Faraji in your video

[@febrian0079]

May i recommend a video about the life and death of Gajah Mada, the great General and Mahapatih of the Majapahit Empire

[@mrtan5641]

The mad lad Belisarius who deserve respect for actually getting back western rome.

[@huntclanhunt9697]

Fun fact: Most laugh tracks were recorded in the 1950s-1960s. So... We're listening to dead people laugh.

[@gregorixo]

I love Prokopius and Belisarius hanging out with each other.

[@nicbahtin4774]

11:40 lol a step mom moment

[@Matteus2109]

F*cking truck-kun catching bodies even before the combustion engine was invented.

[@JackRackam]

Truck-kun is secretly a deity

[@AtlasNovack]

I like how Extra History's visual depictions of Belisarius is this dork with a monk bowl cut, and in this one he's ripped and handsome

[@jameslinden8516]

Let There Be Nothing is such a fucking banger.

[@YossarianVanDriver]

This is like, one of the only popular history sources I've seen that talks about Nika without weirdly glorifying it, props.

[@karlgrimm3027]

I first learned about Belissarius from some alternate universe books by Eric Flint. They were quite good.

[@dudeidontknow6628]

yesssss my favorite man in history

[@danb9460]

I’d argue that Bismarck is rather historically famous. He is probably the main reason why there was a German Empire instead of a Kingdom of Prussia to begin with.

[@maximilianbeyer5642]

Sure, but he is not A Tier famous like Caesar or Napoleon

[@vorynrosethorn903]

His name is famous more so than his actions or life.

[@danb9460]

@@vorynrosethorn903 probably because of the ship I imagine

[@beartube1984]

Damn you Truck-kun!!!!!

[@iwatchDVDsonXbox360]

Wait, what about Basil II? He also did pretty good job. And i think you never did someone from Netherlands or Poland. How about William the Silent, Sigizmund III or August the Strong?

[@Commander_Chopper]

The isekai joke in the sponsorship has me fucking rolling x'D

[@Mattdewit]

"When Belisarius had read this, being transported with joy and at the same time wishing to give immediate evidence of his feelings, he straightway arose and fell on his face before the feet of his wife. And clasping both her knees with either hand and constantly shifting his tongue from one of the woman’s ankles to the other, he kept calling her the cause of his life and his salvation, and promising thenceforth to be, not her husband, but her faithful slave'' Procopius, Secret History 4.29-30

[@tsarawalcott7804]

Epic. Should totally do a video on Alexios or Anna Komnenos too. Byzantine history is wild.

[@Loganjlr]

Ehhh this is probably the only video format you’ve done that I’m not keen on. Great effort though!

[@thelinedrive]

Truck-kun is watching you. He will find you and he will Issekai you.

[@JackRackam]

He has a very particular set of skills

[@ELSTERLING]

A huge armoured man just stormed up to my PC, stabbed one of his followers to death and then told me that god wanted me to like and comment this video. I'm obligated to do this but I expect you to pay for my carpet to be cleaned.

[@cesaramarilla7031]

A Belisarius video. Thank you so much!!

[@velstadtvonausterlitz2338]

Goddamn it, belisarius. What a severely underrated fella.

[@thomasrinschler6783]

You really should do one focused on Theodora, instead of her being a side-character here. There's a story that fits your style!

[@budabnett2382]

I'd love to see an Oliver Cromwell vid

[@johnbatsch7938]

nice tie!

[@LemonJackRazer]

12:26 oh my god, I fucking laughed out loud in my office 😂

[@ernstschmidt4725]

15:10 i was ALMOST sure this was going to be a VPN ad

[@Alex-zs7gw]

I cant tell you how many times ive watched this and still die laughing Procopious is just 👌👌👌 "....yeah yeah, Georgia the country 😒 "

[@deiansalazar140]

Jack! History abridged???!!! Like Anime abridged? You HAVE to do the three kingdoms of China now. It's just full of too many good jokes.

[@JackRackam]

Lol, History Abridged is basically how I would describe my whole channel. Probably a better name than Jack Rackam / Life & Times tbh though idk if the non-weebs in the crowd would get it