Stop saying this in your twenties (and what to say instead)

[@leenanorms]

👋 Oi Oi! Did you like the video? If so, you might also like these ones I've made: School lies to unlearn in your twenties: kzbin.info/www/bejne/qXWnhphtqNCbY6c you are not the main character: kzbin.info/www/bejne/i5yrfpSPhpeIrZo Honest advice for surviving your 20's: kzbin.info/www/bejne/pnTUoYuQnLZ_fJY

[@DevanBaird]

I gotta say the one not mentioned that drives me batshit is calling women 'girls'.

[@rainbowfoxmagicgrrrl]

Same!!

[@rainbowfoxmagicgrrrl]

Hahah and then I realize the irony of my username. To be fair I made it when I was in high school, so technically I was a girl at the time.

[@J_Kwan]

Yeah, people who call women “girls” in the workplace... It just comes off as so unprofessional and diminishing. Someone came into the workplace a couple weeks ago and called me “love”, which isn’t even offensive necessarily but I straight up didn’t even register that he was talking to ME, I don’t know, it just felt so overly familiar. It felt almost undignified that I was expected to respond to someone addressing me that way.

[@didreams1]

@@J_Kwan Oh jesus - I totally get this. When did it become okay for managers and the like to use petnames in the office?? I've also had "sweetheart" gross

[@seahorse7fly]

Ugh, seriously!! Right after I graduated college, my dad's boss told me it was, "time to put my big girl panties on and get a job," which was just vomit-inducing on so many levels.

[@WeirdDeam]

i would love to erase the sentence "you look tired" from people's vocabulary, it's never made me feel good and half the time it's just my face!

[@jasminehermione2998]

My boyfriend's mum says this to me every single time I see her and it kills me

[@lolymop333]

"You look pale. Are you feeling okay?" Dude, I'm just pale. I'm pale every single day. I've accepted the fact that I will forever look like a vampire. I understand it comes from a place of concern, but I don't need you reminding me I look like a vampire.

[@formlessentity]

or the sentence "you look sad." yeah thanks, I hadn't noticed. also most of the time i just don't have the energy to put on a smile

[@jasminehermione2998]

I've been told to smile or "your face lights up when up smile" so much. I even remember teachers saying it to me when I was in primary school. Thanks middle aged man. I needed your input. His mum dies that too.

[@lolymop333]

@@jasminehermione2998 I have been absolutely thrilled and people ask me if I'm okay and ask me to smile, so I guess I just always look depressed or something.

[@littlemusic4x]

I just said to my partner this morning that it's so weird how we say "are you ok?" in situations when it's obvious that someone is not ok. Like when somebody got hurt or is crying at the office. We cling to that phantasy of everything being fine and not really dealing with any emotions that go beyond "yeah, I'm ok." I learned to lead with "do you want to me to ask about it or do you want distraction?" in those situations and it feels more honest and like that person can decide what would make them feel better.

[@peculiaritea]

This is such a good one! Thank you.

[@RubyRubyRuby8]

That's such a brilliant thing to ask instead of 'are you okay'! I have cried in jobs a few times, and the anxiety about being embarrassed and people seeing me cry are normally worse than what I'm crying about, and if someone asks if I'm okay then it makes me more emotional! I know people are being kind, and I really appreciate it, but the extra attention often makes me feel worse. Having someone distract me instead would be great!

[@hobog12777]

Or... they could just be trying to get a conversation going. The standard way to do that is asking if someone is okay. I'm as liberal as they come but come on. A big portion of this video is "let me overanalyze common turns of phrases to find something insulting and "problematic" when a well-meaning person is trying to talk to me". Human conversation is usually not completely literal and straightforward, you need to read between the lines.

[@nouranabed5607]

this is so helpful thank you for sharing

[@bookishshenanigans4769]

That's such a great way to respond, thank you for sharing!

[@RoisinsReading]

"You should have children cause you're clever" is something someone has said to me and i said "alright, eugenicist" and from the look on their face I don't think they've ever said it again

[@JulianneBenford]

Oh my god this is genius, filing this away for future use!

[@casebeth]

💯

[@rebekahbacon7817]

Clever enough not to have kids 👉👉

[@asterismos5451]

Me replying "cause I hate them" to people asking "why don't you want children" turns out to be a great way to shut people up too! Sure, it's an exaggeration, mostly I just don't know how to interact with them and there are loads of other equally important reasons I don't want kids, but that's the best for ending the conversation with someone you don't feel like talking about that with.

[@emilykirk5097]

Holy shit, that is an excellent zinger!

[@jessestresse]

I really hate "so how's uni going?" because what do you expect me to say? "Yes, I'm stressed and want to change my degree because I no longer feel passionate towards it since I moved straight from high school to uni without any breathing room and now I'm burnt out on education and also am dealing with my parents telling me changing degrees is a bad idea because I'll be unemployed at the end of it." is that what you want to hear, Brenda? I don't think so. (or like "yeah, it's good" and then where can that conversation go???)

[@magatrevino5269]

looooool true

[@sheab101]

I feel attacked haha

[@shortstuffchats]

True! Or "well I'm experiencing a lot of imposter syndrome and not gonna lie, this pandemic has taken all my motivation and I'm struggling to care about it even though it's what I know I want"

[@StaringCompetition]

What are you studying?

[@kayleighperry6200]

Same. I really don't like generic questions. "How's studying?" "Yeah good" dead conversation. Ask me about things that are actually important not things I get asked hundreds of times by people.

[@r.darling4135]

i ask “how do you spend your time?” instead of “what do you do?” It still tends to lead to people’s occupation, but also covers people who are retired or unable to work or are unemployed... or spend a lot of time on something else that is important to them, like volunteering or parenting or hobbies or something.

[@leenanorms]

Yeah, I like that. Kind of 'what fills your day, what fills your mind' kind of thing.

[@lucymakes]

I was gonna say that I like the similar "What do you like to do?" but you basically summed up what I would have said

[@ForTheLoveOfMusicals]

This is definately a better option, but doesn’t totally alleviate having to give a difficult answer (from someone who didn’t have the energy to get up from the couch for a few months, I didn’t do much of anything those days)

[@LylaMoshi]

I started doing this at university by saying "so what do you do when you're not here?". Whether I met someone at a lecture or at work or a party, it allowed them to talk about whatever they're most interested/involved in outside of whatever were doing at the time.

[@lucymakes]

@@LylaMoshi I worked at a hospital and I used to ask my patients that, usually after I'd had them once before, like "What did you usually do before you started hanging out here with me?" It was usually a fun way to segue into their hobbies, families, and jobs, but it's general enough that they could talk about whatever they wanted.

[@soniashapiro4827]

I like to say something like "it will be in the movie" instead of "we'll tell our grandchildren." It puts less pressure on your possibly non existent children.

[@Christina-vs6cl]

I like to say "it'll be in the history books" that way pressure is off everyone! Except for history book writers 😅

[@leenanorms]

YES! That's a good one, I'm definitely nicking that one!

[@babblgamgummi6029]

Don't be shocked when your history book mentions me

[@bookishme3635]

I love that!

[@RexxyRobin]

I started saying "Ima tell this tale to my nieces and nephews", as a nagging but not serious reminder, that my best friends need to have kids FOR me^^ (it's honestly a joke and they know it, besides among the 12 of them my chances are quite good)

[@ariannapenzo5266]

As a person that don't drink alcohol, I would like to add to this list the variety of "oh you are not taking a beer? Why?" every time I order a soft drink at a night out 🙄 I don't want to feel obliged to tell the story of my life choices to every single person I happen(ed) to share a table with 🙄

[@cordeliaface]

Not only that, but if someone isn't drinking because they're a recovering alcoholic, is that really something you can honestly expect them to share?

[@julietwells7686]

As someone who is sober due to mental health reasons I completely relate. The struggle is real 😫

[@hollyharker3011]

Completely agree! As someone with addiction and trauma in their family history when I'm asked about that I just lie and say I don't like it.

[@klear19634]

I would also like to add that some people can't take alcohol with their medication that they need in order to live their normal lives. I personally don't mind sharing about my illness but not everyone is comfortable having their health issues brought up when its a night out for them

[@iidaii8875]

I just figured the best answer to this! Just say "Because I feel better without". Simple, yet effective because what could they possibly say to counteract that?! And better can mean physically, mentally, etc.

[@isladelencanta]

I'm working on my PhD and I SWEAR if ONE MORE PERSON asks me immediately what I'm going to do after I finish my dissertation... look, I don't know! The world is uncertain! Also, why isn't my writing an ENTIRE DISSERTATION not worthy of further interest in and of itself? Like, ask me what I'm studying or my most recent breakthrough or what I do to make my writing process fun or shoot, even what tv shows I watch to let my brain rest...!

[@hollyturner4186]

Oh my god! I finished my PhD last year and I hated those sorts of questions. Like, I don't know, I just want to finish the effing thing! Also, "when are you going to finish your thesis?" drove me up the wall.

[@MunthApollo]

I'd personally be more interested in asking about your research or what new thing you've learned than what you're going to do with the future. I find it boring when people talk about their future plans, which is probably not very nice of me, but I'm being honest. Anyway, what's your dissertation about?

[@paulinewerkhoven6444]

Honestly this comment just really resonated with me. Not a PhD but writing a thesis and the only questions that follow from that bit of information about me are usually very future-oriented like 'when are you done' and 'what will you do after'. There is a whole life I'm living now as well and I think my thesis is on an interesting topic so I'd love it if people that I meet would actually ask me anything about that rather than asking the questions that I don't have an answer to. Anyways, good luck to all the academics in this comment thread, whatever the future has in store for us, it will come :)

[@PastelAcademic]

Same!! I'm not even half way through my PhD and I get that so often. Like I'm too stressed about current problems to think that far in the future xD

[@freebeerishere]

15:28 last year i had a teacher who was FLAWLESS with this sort of language. the way he didn’t assume things and spoke so inclusively was remarkable. he would always ask “who do you live with” i still hate how other teachers say “talk with your mum” like that specifically: mum.

[@alexaf4186]

As a teacher working in a district where over half of the kids are in foster care, or are in other living arrangements other than the nuclear-mom-and-dad, my go-to phrase is "your designated adults" It's quirky and gets the job done 👍

[@rinesserin]

As a teacher (who works with young children, not teens), I ALWAYS say "your grown ups" because that covers everyone.

[@caitlinquinn79]

The "You look well" is also a bit of a nightmare if you're disabled, "Thanks Brenda, but actually I'm in massive pain right now and I haven't slept" isn't a very socially acceptable answer. I like either if someone chooses something specific, like "I like how you've done your hair", because it's specific, doesn't say anything about how I am and also is complimenting a skill, not just appearance- or just "What's been going on with you lately?" then I can share whatever I feel comfortable with!

[@charlobscura]

"is it bitchy or is it just boundary setting," the title of the memoir i'd write about going to therapy LMAO

[@Rachel-ni4eu]

On a light note, I think we should stop asking ‘did someone just fart?’, it just really doesn’t help anyone, if they’re ready to admit that they farted to you, then they will xo

[@forenamesurname4735]

asking ‘did someone just fart?’ is really just a witch hunt. the only real anwer to the question is -whoever smelt it, dealt it

[@ouiseylou]

Hahahaha I love this YES

[@pia2902]

Also as a teacher a fart can be very disturbing when you teach hormonal teenagers who get very distracted by farts (and other stuff which are - unfortunately - more exciting than my lesson). So I would love to ban the question.

[@emmajoseph2603]

Oh this made me laugh 😂

[@Marialla.]

I can't imagine why anyone would ask this. What good can any answer do? Open a window if you want fresh air, but placing blame won't help.

[@whatsmynametoday7975]

"When you have children..." I recently had a psychiatrist ask me if I had kids "yet." I told him no and I wasn't planning to have any. He said "That's unfortunate" and asked me to explain why. Unfortunate for who? Why do I have to explain my choice on a life altering decision to this random guy?

[@maurice8180]

God, out of all the people on this planet you'd expect your psychiatrist to be the person in your life who is actually understanding.... 🤦‍♀️ But I guess psychotherapists and psychiatrists are only people after all 😐

[@doctorwholover1012]

@@maurice8180 you'd hope right ? I recently had to switch psychiatrists bc my last guy tried to convert me to his religion to cure my depression (I'm a gay atheist nonbinary person who presents/was born female) and tell me that I needed to get a boyfriend so I could go to church with him and be happy 👁👄👁

[@maurice8180]

@@doctorwholover1012 what! are you fckn kidding me? Ughh this actually makes me angry 🤦‍♀️ I stopped going to therapy a year ago bc I couldn't afford it at the time anymore and I'm thinking of going again, but when you hear stories like this... it makes me reconsider. It sounds like your psychiatrist really didn't know how to do their job😑 But what can you do in such a situation? Can you even file a complaint about smth like this?

[@doctorwholover1012]

@@maurice8180 oh yea I'm fine lol, filed a complaint, refused to see him again, and made clear statements with my new guy about where my fckin lines were 👀 I live between 5 churches n have since i was 6 (12+ yrs lol) and I've been out since i was 14 so I'm very much used to avoiding religious pressure lmao 😅 it's just like, yikes, ppl can't ever just leave shit alone. (Also the religious-conversion guy wasn't medicating me properly for one of my issues, which was fun, so my new guy is helping me adjust to ACTUAL meds that will achieve something, instead of meds for literal *children* - I'm 22)

[@OoohItSparkles]

As a teenager at a party once, I panicked and asked the group "so...um...what are your views on existentialism" I GOT SOME INTERESTING LOOKS

[@leenanorms]

Aw I was hoping you were gunna say 'interesting ANSWERS'. Their loss, u gave them the opportunity of a life time!!!

[@OoohItSparkles]

I have since asked that at parties where I do actually know the people and it DID go well!!

[@Shayna_Marie_]

I've been looking for better things to say than "I'm so sorry", "That sucks/that's awful", "Are you ok?" when someone relays bad news, and yesterday I was talking about some heavy stuff with my partner and he said "Has this affected your mental health?/Do you need anything from me?" and I thought those were *chefs kiss* such good responses.

[@GhostsOfThings]

"Are you free?" is also rough even when it's not a favour. Sometimes as an anxious person and an introvert it's like ... yes I'm free to hang out with just you and some snacks in your backyard but I am NOT free to go to a party (BeforeTimes™) or on a hike or something. If it's something I don't have the energy for then it falls upon me to (usually) lie a little while later and say that something came up. Tell me what I'm signing up for.

[@ivanaaduarte11]

OMG YES exactly. It depends, what are you asking me for?

[@Marialla.]

Answer, "No, but I'm reasonably priced. What did you have in mind?"

[@GhostsOfThings]

@@Marialla. amazing I love it

[@emily-clairedonaghue3133]

@@Marialla. 😂 love it!

[@emily-clairedonaghue3133]

As someone who tends towards extrovertion, I totally get what you're saying! It makes so little sense to ask someone if they're free without context because we (should) spend our time based on what we want to prioritise based on how we feel at the time and whatever else is going on. X

[@samanthabartlett4562]

I've mostly replaced the "what do you do" question with a "so what are you into" or some variation because I worked as a barista (and hated it) and dreaded getting asked about my job and feeling compelled to explain that it wasn't my ~career~ but just a job etc etc which is fairly problematic in and of itself. It usually ended in some good conversations about hobbies, interests etc

[@leenanorms]

Yeah that's so true, the whole job V career thing can be so loaded and complex. x

[@meikusje]

I don't even hate my job, but it's not interesting to talk about at all. Every day is pretty much the same, and I end up telling the same stories over and over again and I bore even myself during those conversations. I don't hate my job, but it's something I do to make money, and it's not really a part of my personality or anything, so let's just talk about something more interesting, honestly.

[@lilidonna]

Stopping saying “up and coming area” - YES. I live in Auckland and see this a lot when areas that were mostly Maori and Pacific Island are gentrified and it’s fucking heartbreaking. (I’m Samoan).

[@leenanorms]

Ah yeah that's rubbish - really sad that people think like that x

[@katekramer7679]

I'm in the US and this phrase is endemic. I'm sorry to hear it's not just here.

[@holly9240]

I hate when people ask me what it is that I do. I'm a housewife but also an aspiring author and I feel like a phoney if I say I'm a writer because I've not put out anything for other people to read but also saying that I'm a housewife or a homemaker get me so much judgment.

[@sabrina.lnd95]

Well, you write so you're a writer. You don't have to be a published author to call yourself a writer. People are artists even if nobody ever sees their art, people are musicians even if they only ever play for themselves. You're doing great!

[@Marialla.]

Perhaps respond, "Instead of telling you what I do, let me tell you something I really care about lately, and that is..." And then you go on to tell them whatever lights your fires that day.

[@chiarathomas5044]

saw somewhere that a really good question is 'do you have any pets?' because even if you don't it's a relatively harmless topic that most people have something to say about whether it's a pet they had as a kid or their dream pet or the cat they pass on the way to the shop or whatever

[@leenanorms]

omg you're right - I could literally talk for hours about the fictional Irish Wolf Hound I will one day own and RIDE to town on the back of. I'll definitely bank this Q!

[@BookNomming]

Love this apart from if someone has just lost a pet then it can become a little awkward. I could talk about animals and my pets all day long, but if you asked me just after we had to put my rabbit to sleep, I may have cried.

[@MunthApollo]

@@BookNomming I can relate to that... when my dog died I was heartbroken, but although it made me sad, I didn't mind talking about her. A few years later I love talking about her, I have so many funny stories! I think any and every question you could possibly ask has the potential to create an awkward situation, but that's normal when you don't know someone well. The trick is figuring out a way to turn the awkwardness around and keep the conversation fun.

[@Emil-lf3no]

then comes me talking about my dead mice and dead cat 😀👍

[@judithsingsthings]

As an Alex who uses they/them pronouns, this warmed my heart

[@clososuwu4770]

Hello fellow Alex who uses they them

[@TheQueenBillieJean]

Ah yes, the four known genders: boy, girl, demi and lovato 😉

[@alexaf4186]

hello other Alex's who use they/them

[@danilp9097]

'What do you like to do' instead of 'what do you do' as it focuses more on a person's interest rather than someone's job - loved this video and will take these changes with me 😊

[@leenanorms]

:) xxx

[@MrToadRocks]

I agree with you about the profiling we do in casual conversation! When someone starts a story with ' The Asian uber driver' or 'The gay bartender' or even 'This old woman who cut me off in traffic' - I always want to ask what the importance of stating their race, age or presumed sexuality is! If the person is white, young looking and presumed straight then these details are left out because they don't 'add' anything to the story. What we are doing when we add these details are reinforcing negative stereotypes, or ascribing a surface level attribute to being be part of the reason they behaved in a certain way.

[@cherry97girl]

If people could stop my doubt that I don't want children because I'm 23 that would be really great. I don't really want to explain my long family trauma to a stranger that I just met and nor should I have to

[@leenanorms]

Amen!

[@tierneyspence9647]

This! you’ve known yourself for 2 and a half decades and they’ve known you for 2 and a half hours but somehow they think they’re more of an authority about what you ‘really’ want or ‘will’ want in the future than you are Also I feel like anyone’s decision to have children or not is just a super personal thing, and I think that it’s just something society in general needs to remove from the ‘casual conversation’ category

[@doctorwholover1012]

Yes ! I've had people literally threaten to force me into childbearing bc I've stated that I don't want kids (I've known I didn't want them since age 11, now 22) like it's none of your fckin business??? Nobody asked??? I'm not gonna marry you??? Go have the kids you want, and I'll go get a lizard, and we can both have a good time, god. 🙄

[@annah7648]

Yes the children thing!! My poor aunt was once asked by a hairdresser ‘how are your kids?’ and she thought it would be easiest not to correct her and now like 3 years later she still has to pretend to her hairdresser that she has children

[@LBelacquax]

I also have a pretend child to two ladies who work in a crockery shop, for exactly the same reason!

[@BecWilkinson1]

I always ask people 'what do you do for fun?' There are lots of reasons why people do what they do for work but asking how people spend their leisure time tends to be a fruitful and inclusive conversation.

[@momosaku16]

that`s what I used to ask students (I used to work at an English conversation school in Japan), and they would answer `sleep` or `drink alcohol`. So I stopped asking :P. Another classic is `What did you do on the weekend?` the answer being `sleep` or ` I cleaned my room`.

[@BecWilkinson1]

@@momosaku16 I guess context is everything and cultural norms play a role! I was definitely thinking of peers rather than teacher/student relationships. I also like a variant of this q: 'when youre not (insert current activity: at a wedding/ walking in the countryside/ drinking coffee) how do you like to spend your time? In Diana's students' case I suspect the answer would still be alcohol/drugs but even that answer can lead to further conversation in British culture...what is it they enjoy about drinking is it company/escape overwhelm/ something else?

[@momosaku16]

Bec Wilkinson of course

[@sarahjoanne165]

Completely agree about ‘when you have kids’, although I have a slightly different perspective. I’ve recently been diagnosed with a condition for which the only definitive cure is hysterectomy, and am now faced with multiple (male) gynaecologists, as well as my family, telling me that I shouldn’t consider that course of treatment while I’m still in my twenties. It’s infuriating for several reasons: first the assumption that I will want kids, even though I haven’t expressed a strong desire for them and am very much on the fence; second, the assumption that I want to birth children for myself (because fostering/ adoption/ surrogacy clearly aren’t legitimate/ fulfilling ways of having children); and mostly, the suggestion that I should live in pain for the next ten years before I can make a decision about my own body. It all feels very patronising and presumptive. One gyne said ‘we don’t want to do something you’ll end up regretting’, as though I’m making this decision on a whim and am too much of a child to consider the long term ramifications. All this, plus now every time someone mentions having kids/ my future kids etc I get reminded of this enormous decision I have to make

[@ameliafoster-kane7601]

I have an experience that is not the same but in the same ball park- and reading your comment made me feel not alone in it which is sad (i wish it wasn't something u have to go through) but calming for my spirit. I have a joint condition which can be ok for childbirth/pregnancy but also can go very wrong and you never know which one you get. I think from my experience with my pain/body it won't go well and I've always wanted to adopt anyway. Buy my mother is in denial and thinks its a 'phase' or I don't really understand what pregnancy is like- so she keeps rambling about how beautiful having your own children is. Which hurts because I've always wanted to be a parent- even if adoption was always going to be for me as well as a biological child in my precondition imaginings. My very long point is, you know your body and what you want from life. It's got fuck all to do with anyone else, they live with it for maybe an hour, you live with it forever. Women aren't just for making people-we have too many people, lets focus on loving and feeding the ones we have maybe. Anyways, I hope you are doing okay and have been able to act on what you feel is best for you- I say this cause that can be super hard sometimes, it's a hard enough process/decision to make without meddlers. I don't normal ramble on youtube comments but it's the first time I've heard of someone my age going through the no children/body struggles.

[@TheQueenBillieJean]

There are way too many male gynaecologists for this to not be strange. Not to ostracized any gender from a profession, but these stories sure do have a pattern..

[@teresabakalarska6001]

Sidenote, this made me think about Rainbow Rowell's Carry On, where magic spells are common phrases, the more the phrase is said irl, the more power it holds as a spell. So, if the way we talk about things holds power - that means we can use our wording or phrasing to induce real world change using that power.

[@leenanorms]

Oh, I love that! I read Fangirl but never got around to Carry On. Perhaps it's one to get around to! x

[@PSL_Lover2024]

I absolutely love how self aware, open minded and accepting you are. For example, when I tell others that my husband does not like to workout with me at the gym/dosnt like to go to bars or go out drinking, they immediately feel like they need to "solve" that and that it's a issue. I tell them, no he LIKES not going out. That's him. Im sharing you information about him. It's not up to you to "solve" this issue. It's just HIS personality. It's strange how others find things they think are problems but aren't.

[@kbergish7292]

I’m torn on the “what do you do” one. I love the idea of people not being reduced or confined to their job status, but a lot of the alternatives feel too personal. “What are you passionate about” and similar topics are not things I want to discuss with a stranger at a friend’s wedding that I’ll never see again. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I hate being asked about my job for the same reasons as a lot of other people, but that at least feels like more neutral territory than someone asking me about my dreams and goals. I don’t know. I like the day rating one, though. I think I’ll have to go with that.

[@tabbeyah5351]

agree!

[@rebekahbacon7817]

The difference I guess is that if someone asks what I'm passionate about I can talk about books or films or hobbies and it can be as personal as I like, whereas what do you do is currently always going to have the awkward response of "I'm unemployed"

[@deerlyXO]

I usually say “what have you been up to recently?” And then people usually talk about a recent vacation, or a new hobby, or moving homes, etc. It opens a conversation without implying a job (but, some people do talk about their work if it excites them)

[@MadameCorgi]

How do you spend your time?

[@360shadowmoon]

My go to opening question is "what are you watching or reading?" It's usually a low stakes question that naturally leads to a bunch of more conversation topics, because most people do SOMETHING to pass the time, whether it's listening to a podcast or watching a movie or show.

[@FHMS97]

"what do you do" is *the worst* because especially when youre in your early twenties u kinda have no idea wat u even wanna do ??? 99.9% of the time when i meet new people theyre like "what do you wanna do" and i have to sit there and be like "i have zero idea" 🙃 and then they double down and are like "but ok what do u THINK you wanna do".. pls stop asking me if i knew i would tell you and also save myself years of stress 😬

[@casebeth]

I also want people to think about their reaction to this. I am a career nanny bc I love it and I can support myself. Folks often don't know how to react to this or are condescending

[@MarlopolyGaming]

Usually I say "what have you been up to?"

[@kbergish7292]

Can we also collectively stop asking people (especially women), “Are you feeling ok?” when they haven’t expressed any indication that they’re not? This is something I see mostly coming from men towards women (especially in the workplace) and always when the woman is just going about her business. It is almost always a passive commentary on their looks. Maybe they’re having a day where their hair/outfit/skin/etc doesn’t look how it usually does, and that’s their way of commenting on it. That one and it’s even more insulting cousin “Are you sick?” need to gtfo.

[@hel59]

This reminded me also of the ‘you should smile’ comment that gets thrown around by men in workplaces

[@alexd9279]

Obviously it’s going to be especially towards women because no one ever cares to ask about men let’s be honest

[@laurareadspages6633]

I was scrolling through the comments and had to respond to this one because it’s spot on. I have a male coworker who says this to me ALL THE TIME and it has started driving me crazy! I never know how to respond. He’ll also say “you look stressed.” I have a relatively low stress job and am usually completely confused by the comment. I have spent a little bit of time abroad working with people from different regions of the world. I find people from Scotland, Ireland and some regions of English tend to use “you alright?” as a greeting. This used to confuse me so much before I realized that it was just a routine greeting and had other to do with me not looking alright haha

[@bananamanchester4156]

Yesyesyes. "Are you ok?" Is just a more subtle way of saying "smile!"

[@bananamanchester4156]

@@alexd9279 I'll ask a man if he's ok if he looks upset, or sick. Not when he's just going about his day and doesn't happen to be smiling at that specific moment!

[@eloiseockenden9231]

omg yes the 'are you free at x time' is very frustrating for someone with anxiety having no idea about how comfortable a situation will be before agreeing to it is exhausting and frustrating - and to be honest leads to a lot of saying 'no i'm not free' off the bat just to be sure which isn't helpful for anyone

[@eloiseockenden9231]

That seems a good plan - knowing that staying in and doing nothing is a plan is super important you’re right! It’s time well spent

[@rainbowfoxmagicgrrrl]

That's a good idea! I'll have to try to remember this next time someone asks me if I'm free

[@gracefulpearl]

I remember as a kid that the terminology was "global warming" which then shifted to climate change, I guess to reflect that it wasn't just pure uniform temperature increase, the climate was going to change in many ways both predictable and unpredictable. Interesting how then the term "climate change" became kind of seen as a natural occurrence, like yeah of course the climate changes over time. We need the urgency of Crisis! Thanks for this video and all your videos!

[@the3rdquark]

I always thought the change from global warming to climate change was to “soften” the language to accommodate people who did not believe the evidence about global warming, or who didn’t believe in its consequences! I remember being told when I wrote a college paper that the term “global warming” was too controversial and I should use “climate change” instead. Now I’m annoyed that we (people who care about global warming) have to change the term AGAIN to make it more scary!

[@roisinhackett4320]

How about "When you have your own house...." one my parents say, despite the fact that i work in the creative industry and have no money and am also disabled and discriminated against when applying for jobs. Also, generally people owning their own house, even if they have a middle class background, is not a certainty anymore regardless. I wish my parents would learn to stop expecting this to be a certainty in my future.

[@suides4810]

How about owning a house as a creative collective? Ive thought about something like that since im unsure wether or not i can own one.

[@pbjtoast]

How about if someone just doesn't wish to own? I've expressed that feeling before, only to be perceived as an utter abomination. On that same note, ever just expressing any lige aspiration outside of the good ol' "i want to go to college, get a degree, meet someone, get married, buy a house, have children, die old w spouse" is always received with alight disdain

[@Littlebeth5657]

Do please unpack more about people saying you should have children! Gosh that statement of 'when' really gets to me. Mental health also plays a big part for me not wanting children but it is by no means an easy conversation

[@feliciya7152]

+

[@lolymop333]

As a sex repulsed asexual aromatic who is severely stressed out by children and doesn't feel like I am mentally well enough to even take care of myself properly, this is a regular conversation I have: Person: When you have kids, _________. Me: Oh, I don't want kids. P: Why not? Kids are great because ___________. M: I don't like kids. They give me serious anxiety. P: Kids can be stressful, but ________. You'll change your mind. M: No. I don't want kids. P: Well, what if you have one on accident? Protection isn't 100%, you know. M: I won't, because I don't want to do that kind of stuff. P: Oh, you're young. You'll change your mind. [Unwanted story about their views on sex when they were younger and bs advice about sex.] M: i don't want to have sex, and I won't change my mind. P: Well, your husband will expect sex from you, and you need to have sex for a healthy marriage. M: I don't want to get married. P: One day you'll fine the right person, and he'll sweep you off your feet. M: I don't want to. I don't want to date, I don't want to get married, I don't want to have sex, and I don't want to have kids. P: You'll die sad and alone. M: I'm not lonely. I have plenty of friends and family who are there for me and will stay by my side. P: Well, have you ever considered adoption? Me: I. Don't. Want. Kids. I cannot tell you the ridiculous amount of times I've had this exact conversation, and I swear I am going to scream if I have to have it one more fricking time.

[@Marialla.]

I don't assume people are being malicious or pushy when they infer I have or should have children. They have no rights to know my birthing status, and probably no real curiosity either. They're just trying to connect over common experiences or values. So maybe answer "Well, if I ever have kids I'm sure I'd want to do ____ with/for them because kids raised without ____ seem really sad, you know what I mean?" And then go on to talk about whether or not you had ____ in your own childhood or theirs, or other philosophical topics of parenting which may or may not apply to either of you.

[@lolymop333]

@@Marialla. The problem is when you say you don't want kids and they continue to push you to have kids. It also tends to stem from aphobia (like homophobia for asexuals and aromatics) when it comes to people who I have told I'm not interested I'm not going to go into all the aphobic bs people say right now, but it's bad. There's also usually a bit of homophobia, transphobia, and sexism sprinkled in.

[@Marialla.]

@@lolymop333 Again, I normally would not reveal that I don't want kids because that is personal information they have no right to. Yes, they are wrong for pushing. I don't give them the information to push from. So instead of saying I don't want kids I just talk about hypotheticals. Who are these people who think they have a right to your reproductive choices anyway? If these people are your parents and they actually DO think they have a right to your bloodline, that is a whole other fight. Most people aren't in it to fight though. They just want their own parenting choices to be validated.

[@beadc7627]

Hang on a minute... Calling Black people 'African-American' even though you're in Britain (and know that the person you're referring to also lives in Britain)? No offence to you personally, but this makes so ridiculously little sense that I actually laughed out loud when I heard it. Like, who invented that??? Other than that: brilliant video, Leena. You are a queen👏👏👏

[@rebekahmaclean7660]

This is something I also wonder, as a British person. Referring to a British black person as African American feels ridiculous, but equally African British doesn't sound right.

[@mikikoinayama6492]

Rebekah MacLean Brown why not say black? If it’s even relevant at all lol

[@TheDoctorsMissus]

It's this even a thing? I've literally never heard anyone do this?

[@AD-cy4vj]

Lmaooo

[@Eva_R966]

@@TheDoctorsMissus i know I'm late to the convo but my little sister literally learned this in school (in germany) from a white teacher in English class. They were saying that "Black" was offensive and using African-American as the only acceptable descriptor as though there weren't Black people in germany??? Or anywhere else?

[@machi3663]

This was a brilliant video

[@leenanorms]

thank you!

[@Nien10]

+

[@joannahenry7112]

I'm autistic, this was so incredibly useful for me, I wrote them all down lol

[@emilyharris9453]

I might add asking 'where are you from?' without understanding the difficulty and awkwardness that can come with that question. I only realised this after travelling with my Syrian boyfriend and hanging around other Syrian friends. It's just exhausting if every new person feels entitled to bring up potentially traumatic topics and debate you on painful political issues when you're just trying to be a person at a party. The question is fair enough, but you should be able to follow it up with an 'Oh, cool and how long have you been living here' / 'Oh nice, I've always wanted to learn Arabic' / something equally friendly and not so alienating...

[@forenamesurname4735]

'but where are you really from?' is always a fun follow up to that question

[@nattyaaa]

@@forenamesurname4735 i used to always get that followed by having to explain im half this half that but I dont speak that language.... why cant I just say I am from England why isn't that sufficient....

[@ameliafoster-kane7601]

As someone who has lived in three different countries for almost equal times I second this. It's the most dreaded question I ever get asked- do I tell my whole life story? Do I just pick a random country ? How do I explain my accent if I pick a random country of the three ? Aghr. Then the dreaded 'but where is home?' I live here ? Sorry for the rant, just nice to hear others hate that question too (although yours is a more valid reason. the 'but where are you really from' when asked to my not white friends fucks me off to no end, especially when I'm the actual foreigner unlike my friends 🙂 broken world.)

[@hoper1481]

Such a great video. Just to add to the points on asking about parents and the other on trouble with conceiving. Please PLEASE stop asking only children “didn’t you want a brother or sister” or “didn’t your parents want more children?” They are honestly the two most tone deaf questions I’ve been asked for all my life. I panic each time. How do I casually pop into the conversation that actually I was a bit of a surprise as after 20 years together and multiple miscarriages my parents didn’t think they could have kids. That yes they wanted half a dozen but not everyone gets pregnant on the first try and has a healthy baby. Sorry that’s a bit of a rant, but I really hope people think twice before asking that as it’s such a difficult/painful one to answer

[@hoperobinson562]

Omg I’m Hope R too

[@hoperobinson562]

Sorry I also very much agree with your comment just got excited when I saw your name hahah

[@hoper1481]

Hope Robinson that’s such a funny coincidence haha

[@BooksUnstitched]

In the same vein as ‘when you have kids’: ‘when you get married’. Especially when the speaker is about to “bestow their wisdom” upon you, e.g. dictate how you must ‘let him propose and ask for a very big diamond ring’. Nearly always this is coming from older, already-married women who are so clearly ensconced in the system that you can’t really hit them with your feminist tirade about how marriage objectifies women, nor do they even know you well enough for you to want to correct them on their heteronormative assumption.

[@justanotherpat]

YESS! I find it so belittling when random people (or family members) reduce your whole existence to marriage and kids. They dictate you the "rules" as if there's only one PROPER way to get married. As if everyone aspires to get married in a traditional old fashioned way. Same for children. "You should find someone by this age, get married by this time and pop as many children before your 30s" "the clock is ticking, better not wait". They don't care or won't listen about how the things they did wouldn't work for everyone.

[@BooksUnstitched]

Pat Malia completely, and you’re just left cringing at what an outdated view of marriage (modern relationships, the world...) they have

[@justanotherpat]

@@BooksUnstitched Totally! And the worst is that they criticize your views of the world and critize you (in my experience anyways. I've had people tell me to my face how inadequate I am to act/ think/ talk/ look the way I do and that I needed to change just for a man that I haven't met and a kid I'll never have. Basically, they push their world view on you, insult you and then, expect you to adopt how they think 🤦‍♀️

[@pingy2410]

Yes! Don’t assume I want to get married when you know zero things about me...or even if you know several things about me. Don’t do that.

[@casebeth]

Yep. I'm a nanny and childfree. People always assume I am going to have kids. Nope.

[@hannahw3068]

The parents one got me. I lost my dad when I was ten, and the question was so hard for me that it made me hate speaking to new people in my teens. I wasn't ready to brush it off and explain it breezily but I also knew the person asking was just being polite and wasn't ready for a very loaded answer.

[@popcorn1304]

I'm so sorry you've had to experience this 💔 I recently lost my mom in March and I'm learned how difficult it is to tell people. For me, the topic is usually brought up in the context of celebration."Your mom must be so proud you graduated in May" sucks to have to be the Debbie Downer or I just have to brush it off. :/ It's such a normalized thing to ask about parents but everyone's situation is different. Anywho I hope you're doing as well as anyone can be doing right now. Sending good thoughts your way. Thanks for reading 😊

[@alive4ever865]

I‘m sorry for both of your losses! It‘s always hard to lose someone, but losing a parent when you‘re still a kid is something that most people will never truly understand. I had to say goodbye to my mum when I was fourteen, now four and a half years ago. And I still never know how to respond to that question. I once had a nurse at my internship at the hospital ask me about my mum, but when I started stuttering, he immediately posed another question. Sadly not everyone is so attentive and empathetic... And it really is hard when meeting new people, especially when they are your age. I started uni last year and I had some pretty uncomfortable conversations. One girl kept asking me about my parents and I always answered with „my dad...“, but she still hasn‘t got the message. I don’t want to tell her though. Another time I did tell a new friend, after she asked me what my mum worked as. She immediately started apologising and repeatedly said she was sorry and didn’t know. And suddenly I felt like I had to comfort her about the fact that my mum had passed away. I felt shaken and sad myself, but still had to say „it’s alright, you‘re fine, of course you didn’t know“. Like, it‘s my grief, why do I have to comfort you?! I usually only ask about family members after a person has brought them up themselves. You can still end up asking an uncomfortable question, but you are much safer, because you basically got a green light that you can talk about them.

[@Hetachan]

I'd add "he/she" to the list Just say "they"! I think it was James Acaster who summed it up so nicely in one of his sketches about what "he/she" really means! Definitely recommend watching because it's hilarious but so true

[@sarabeth5841]

One of the worst moments for my mental health was the moment I realised my aunt wasn’t telling me that “I looked skinnier since the last time she saw me” anymore. The problem is not only the training of the brain to think that losing weight is always good and a compliment, but also the belief that you fail as a person if you didn’t achieve it.

[@lunapeters4593]

I hate when people ask me what I do for a living and I'm glad you mentioned that in the video. I have a disability and working is hard for me, so I spend most of my time unemployed. It's not a visible disability and I'm fairly young, so people just assume that I'm healthy and working. But I was diagnosed with this when I was ten years old, I'll have it my entire life, and the hard truth is that I can't work. And honestly? I don't like having that sprung on me in random conversations. Especially when not working is very stigmatized in the US where I live, as well as having a disability that isn't automatically visible to other people. I'm okay with discussing it with people I'm comfortable with, or vaguely referencing it on the internet. But I don't owe random strangers an explanation for why I don't work.

[@nenemaria-cornfieldsgarden]

I hate 'you're looking well'. Not for weight reasons but having a very long term invisible chronic illnesses that have been getting progressively worse for years, having people say 'how're you doing? you're looking really well' is frustrating and feels really dismissive of the fact my health is horrific and dictates every second of my life, but that's ok because, I look well? I usually jokingly reply with something about having great makeup or I'm glad I look better than I feel as I don't want to make it awkward. Most of the time they don't really want to know how I am and often I don't want to get into health stuff so just leaving it at 'how are you?' Without the 'you're looking well part' would make for a much easier and less frustrating conversation starter. Also 'so when are you having kids/Getting married etc' - just no. I know a lot of people that desperately want kids and can't have them or have been through long, traumatic experiences trying. Or just don't want them and don't want to have to justify that to everyone that casually asks! It's rude, way too personal and just not something anyone should be asking, especially if they're then going to rant on about how you'll regret it or change your mind. Go away.

[@Steamengenius]

My "are you free" was "are you hungry?" When I wanted to ask someone to lunch or dinner. I cut that one out a few years ago because clearly it's better to ask someone if they wanna eat with you directly.

[@leenanorms]

Oh yeah that one is an accidental trap, you're right. Also, I'm always hungry so it's kind of a redundant Q!

[@jspringerwrites3873]

My favorite substitute for "what do you do" is "So, what's your thing?" Often they go, "what do you mean?" And I go "Ya know, your thing. Everybody has a thing that they really love..." Often it prompts them to go off on their passions, and there is nothing more exciting than listening to a passionate person. 😊

[@fialilly8142]

omg you just reminded me of a time when my friend's mother had passed away, we'd all gone out to dinner and my other friend had to take a call and go out of the room, so this friend turned to me and asks 'who was that' to which i replied 'ya mum' without even thinking and honestly i've never wanted the ground to swallow me up more

[@hannahproctor7161]

I've seen this done too, my boyfriend lost his mum in quite tragic circumstances when he was younger, and people we worked with would always casually mention it 'oh have you met his parents yet, is his mum nice' and the worst was once at Christmas when he said he didn't like photos being taken of him, and a colleague piped up that 'I bet your mum has loads of embarrassing ones from when you were younger', and he just laughed along bc he never told anyone about it and he didn't want to explain and make them feel guilty about it. It was like 3 years ago and it still breaks my heart 😭

[@leenanorms]

I'm getting second-hand embarrassment goosebumps just reading that, I've done something really similar and the memory still revisits me at random moments and I want to crack my own head open every time. x

[@mimmikibilly]

This video is so simple and wholesome yet it's like an ice-cold bucket of water in your face while you're sleeping. So powerful. I'm questioning my resentment towards changes in my native language that could be more inclusive but sound gramatically weird to me. The people who say that language changes over time and things sound weird to us just because we're used to them are correct, yet there's something stopping me from changing my wording. I'm starting to open my mind a bit more and I'm coming up with the idea of asking people how they want their profession to be called instead of assuming (actor or actress for example). Changing one's language and intentions can be harder than it seems. Maybe I also have a hard time changing it because I spent all of my energy and thought process in learning to love myself and I need a long break. I will keep these tips in mind. You're being truly inspiring for me in this period of time.

[@average_coverage]

Once a friend of a friend asked me what I do and I had to turn my back to him because I couldn't stop crying. I'm in a much better situation now, not a loaded question anymore, but I think it's a wonderful idea to skip it.

[@kagaminek]

YES! Thank you!! This stuff should be taught in schools! I really wish people would stop asking "are you free?" Answering this makes me so uncomfortable. Maybe I do have time, but maybe I don't want to do this thing you're suggesting, but if I refuse (without a good reason) you'll feel bad!! aarrgggh

[@humwengus1204]

One very British thing I have noticed is the: "Hi are you alright?" "Hi yeah I'm alright, you?" And you just don't even go into how you're feeling. You just move on?! Sometimes it feels like you're obliged to just say you're fine. Makes it hard to connect with people really.

[@didreams1]

Haha yes, especially because this eventually gets colloquially shortened to just: "Alright?" "Yeah, alright." Pretty soulless.

[@rachelcurry8053]

I get why that looks like a problem, but the phrase, 'are you alright?' or 'alright?' is usually how we just greet people in the street, even if we don't know them. It sounds odd to other people I guess, but if we want to know how someone's doing we usually ask something like, how are you, or how have you been keeping, etc

[@charlotte7095]

I’ve started being very honest with people when they ask me how I am, and it always shocks them. But usually leads to them opening up too, which is lovely!

[@emiparisa]

I've been watching your videos for an age and as my first comment on one of your videos (I'm a serial liker), I must say you never fail to make me THINK, and applaud. You are brilliant. And love the fringe.

[@leenanorms]

Aw thank you - me and the fringe are definitely growing into each other, it's a process. Serial likers always welcome

[@emiparisa]

​@@leenanorms Ahh! So chuffed you replied! I hope you and fringe have a happy and loving friendship! Thank YOU for putting out thought-provoking, hilarious and downright excellent content - the world is a better place for it! x

[@spheals]

About "are you free ..." - definitely not bitchy. Related to this I also hate when people message me out of the blue and make unnecessary small talk first, when I already know that they want something from me. I made it a habit to tell people what I want from them first and then end the message with "I hope you are doing well". I feel like it's a polite way to let them know what I want before they engage in this conversation and it gives them the option to talk about how they are doing instead of me "requiring" them to tell me.

[@didreams1]

Yes yes yes! I hate the weird hanging "Hi" I sometimes get from someone with nothing else attached. I just know they want something and am baffled why they don't just ask before waiting for a response first

[@flowalong1012]

agreed! I tend to write the entire thing in one message rather than catching their attention first so they can address it on their own time if they even want to.

[@phoebecowhig6320]

Loved this, I'm a big fan of becoming less likely to unintentionally hurt someone via my words! Something I've been trying to do is saying 'the US' instead of 'America' when I just mean the states- more accurate and less colonialist :)

[@Emily-ln3zv]

Loved this, it really got me to reflect on my own language use. I've received "You are looking well" both after I lost two stone from depression and had been utterly miserable and - in a presumably sarcastic tone - after I gained over two stone from my normal weight 😒

[@leenanorms]

haha I can so clearly hear the identical sentences in different tones, it's almost comic. You're so right.

[@kellykarp5303]

I was so heartened to hear you talk about banishing the "What do you do?" question from first encounters. I've also had some of the worst heartbreak in my life come from jobs, and there have been periods of my life where I dreaded meeting new people or visiting my partner's family or trying a new activity just because I didn't want to have to answer that question. On the other hand, I have friends whose jobs are high paying and prestigious and immune from social judgement but are also the absolute last thing they want to talk about at a party (obviously not a 2020 problem...) Let's stop this. Let's talk about other things!

[@TheAshleybruno]

I like to go straight to "is there anything I can help with?" if I'm inclined to ask someone "are you ok" or to state "you look tired" - like obviously I've come to my own conclusions and I clearly want to help if I'm going straight to the "are you ok" mode. Generally speaking this also keeps me relatively safe as well as I wouldn't say this to anyone I am merely acquaintances with so functionally I don't fall into the trap of drawing attention to a peers tired appearance just for the sake of public observation points or whatever.

[@Itsrosibert]

I've asked "What do you do?" To a friend of a friend once and we got in this deep conversation about where we were in life and not so much about our jobs. I was all for it tbh💖

[@TheFreakMelanie]

14:50 - yes yes YES! Since starting university, I have been so awkward whenever someone asks about my parents, because I am estranged from my dad and my mum died of cancer a few years ago. It always made (and still makes) me feel isolated from the university culture of everyone expecting me to go back to my parents house during summer or the winter holidays. Although everyone around me is typically between 18-22 years old, I understand many people in this age bracket may not have the world experience that you may have as you've expressed in your video. But hearing you talk about it has made me hope that other young people will realise that the 'nuclear family' concept is damaging, and to not assume that everyone comes from stable backgrounds. Thank you for this video!

[@JessieRainbowEyes]

I totally agree with eradicating ‘what do you do’! I have two masters degrees and am a highly experienced person in my field, but I work in retail just to pay the bills. I HATE talking about it cause people create this preconceived notion about me not being as intelligent or as educated as I actually am (not that intelligence should matter but it does to me lol) so I’m fully on board with asking what their interests are instead!

[@pipscarlett3183]

Instead of “What do you do?” Maybe “What have you been doing recently?” ???

[@suides4810]

Or "..in your free time?"

[@rachaels7893]

Loved this. I used to go out of my way to say the shitty, bolshiest things in response to some of these questions/comments. I thought I was being so cool and calling out people who were being presumptuous and/or stereotypical and/or ignorant. Really I was just making people feel awkward and stupid - it would just make them think twice about ever talking to me again rather than them think twice about what they were saying! Your way of encouraging people to change how they frame the questions is probably much more effective x

[@lookingforsure]

I also dislike when people throw in "you wont meet a man if you dont...". Similar to "when you have kids". And i hate social pressure to participate in social gathering. "You HAVE to come to ..." no i dont, i really dont

[@adriannastanski686]

My mom has started asking people "What do you do for fun?" instead of "What do you do?" and I think it really makes for more interesting conversations!

[@ivajaric39]

OMG, the comments about having children because you're smart, I FELT THAT! Great video. Will watch every ad every time to the end to boost it.

[@verybadminimalist8446]

Instead of "what do you do?" I like to ask "what are you up to?"-- this leaves an opening for them to talk about the book they're reading, show they're binging, things they've been thinking about, or even their career or passion, if they choose!

[@emmaclark9080]

You just gave me a total light bulb moment. Your day doesnt start at 0 and then you gotta build it to a 10. It starts at a 10 always. Look at you all wise and changing perspectives!

[@ravenjoker254]

oh, honestly, let's stop telling people what they gotta watch. I know I'm also guilty of it but I'm trying to catch myself. at this point it's just purely anxiety inducing "ah, great, another show to add to the pile and panic over not watchig"

[@lalalalalalalala8111]

Instead of girl maybe woman? Cause she's a grown woman and not a girl child? Maybe?

[@vailvarone4075]

Girl, you're the big sis I've always wanted.

[@klaersklaers]

so glad you mentioned the "family-situation-difficulty" in conversations. I`ve lost my mom when I was 16 and I had so many strangers mention her in casual conversations, like "You are probably gonna talk to your mom about this as soon as you come home", "Does your mom know you are driving home alone this late", "Is your mom gonna pick you up later", "Your mom can cook that for you one time". And I would always answer, "Nah, she doesn't, she's dead." Yes, that is a dramatic way of saying it, and some would argue it's unfair to put the other persn in such a situation. But my intention was to shock the other person so in the future when talking to kids/teens/anyone they think of me and don't talk abou other peoples family if they don't know them.

[@klaersklaers]

something I am definitly guilty of doing myself is using serious illnesses in a context not related to the illness. But since my mom had suffered two cancers I really could not stand these jokes anymore and have been concious about not using any other illnesses as well. In germany there is a saying for when you can't stand the aesthetic of something, for example an item of clothing, that is very commonly used in our daily life: " Ugh, that gives you eye cancer!" Please don't do it...

[@DragonPrincessAoife]

I've said "what's your thing" other than what do you do for years.

[@leenanorms]

I like that!

[@aeonie4841]

you're so intentional and I love it

[@oliviaboyer6494]

I whole heartedly agree with everything you’ve listed and detailed! Some of my other ones are: -nah you’ll want more kids. You won’t just one. -starting a conversation with anything like ‘we need to talk’ I completely agree with the not asking about people’s parents topic as well. I come from a traditional baptism background, that I don’t personally follow any longer, and when my partner and I found out we were pregnant I was asked constantly about my parents. This was before we’d told them and I was very aware that it would cause a fight. It was a light hearted (simple minded) comment or question, but it instantly put me in a dark place. Because then you’re met with the options of do I tell this person the truth and make them as uncomfortable as they’ve made me or do I stomach it and just brush it off even though I’ll cry about it for days.

[@ashtrayheartedgirl]

I’ve never heard someone so identically explain how I feel about not wanting to have children. Thank you, Leena.

[@katiddles7285]

Oh, yes. One hundred percent agreed on the asking about people's parents thing. I get this a lot at work -- most of my colleagues assume everyone has the same middle class, nuclear family background. I, however, am estranged from my mother who has a load of serious health issues including alcoholism, and my dad died when I was a teenager. So when I'm asked about my family or parents I just respond with something about my grandparents instead. I mean, I get that they're interested and want to ask, but there's rarely a conversation that isn't shot dead by responding with "well, my dad's dead and I don't talk to my mum because she's an emotionally abusive alcoholic" so then I give my cop-out answer and feel bad about it, though they probably don't think twice about it.

[@lifelover1]

Hitting my late(?) 20s this year and this was massively helpful! When I started work at a big management consultancy firm I really struggled with making friends bc I kept asking people “what do you do for fun?” and it always ends in awkward laughter bc we were all slaves to capitalism! It was always stuff like “Well I used to love salsa dancing then i joined this company.” “I used to hike a lot but i have no energy now.” “My hobby when i’m not working is sleeping- i’m too tired to do anything else.” And it got so strained like we were all just nervously laughing about the fact that we used to live these full, bursting at the seams lives and now... hmm. Thankfully I’m out of it now, after an extensive mental breakdown lolz and I’m planning to take a break from the labour market for a bit, do the homemaking thing (I FINALLY HAVE 6 MONTHS OF SAVINGS MY GOD), pick up my languages and do a lot of writing, reading, volunteering and reflecting!! Honestly so excited, it’s always interesting to see different people react weirdly to the fact that I resigned and that I’m just “not gonna do anything”. Oh well!

[@flowalong1012]

Good for you!!! I’m feeling secondhand excitement and pride :’) I started my first full time job earlier this year and I already feel what you’re talking about. All the times not-that-close family, friends, and acquaintances ask about my hobbies or what I’ve been doing lately I’m just like... welll I used to make time for a lot of creative endeavors but now I only have the energy for Netflix after work. Nothing puts a damper to a conversation like that :))))

[@BookNomming]

As someone who really wants to have children and a family , the when you have children comment is not fun. One of my fears is that I can’t but also i feel it can be used to put down people with things like, oh you will know when you have children, when you have children you will understand or you don’t have children so you wouldn’t. It completely ignores anything that could be happening behind the scenes but also... people can be doing caring roles without children involved. Children is a heavy handed topic to have with strangers or people you don’t know well.

[@NoahAndABadger]

I live in Walthamstow and lived here my whole life and the first time I heard people describe it as up and coming immediately brought all those thoughts you understand now. That basically white people are moving here and poor people are moving out and there are hipster coffee shops for the mm to enjoy with their white middle class friends

[@ZombieInvader]

I think a lot of this comes down to empathy/ reading reactions, unpacking your own assumptions, and entering into conversations in good faith. Everyone will have their own idiosyncratic conversational sore spots and part of being sensitive to others is about recognizing when you’ve hit one and redirecting the topic.

[@asterbrunstingfrazer9212]

Alternatives to “what do you do?” - What fulfills you? What are you passionate about? What are you looking forward to?

[@leenanorms]

Yeah, especially love the looking forward to one, that's always positive and also tells you a lot about the person, depending on what they're looking forward to.

[@isabelnecessary5915]

I really appreciated the “are you free ...” section ! Even beyond balancing tasks and projects etc, I just often would like and probably need an evening/day to myself. And it’s honestly a bit sad the amount of times I’ve felt like I had to lie to people about being busy when really I just didn’t have the emotional energy to socialise/help other people.

[@hannahproctor7161]

I switched to 'are you available' a while back, bc to someone, a self care evening might not be something they're willing to discuss, but when you phrase it as available or not, people are much less likely to pry as it sounds more set in stone and 'oh I can't get out of this' than just 'oh I'm not free'. Also, I stopped explaining what a thing was too, sometimes it would be 'sorry I have a doctors appointment' and they'd totally get it, but then when it came to admitting that I just needed an evening to recharge to myself and get some rest etc (that I knew they wouldn't accept so easily) , I felt compelled to lie to keep a continuity with always giving the reason, so I just don't now regardless of what it is I'm doing

[@mellyq92]

I would hate family gatherings that included this conversation Them: so what are you up to? are you in college? Or are you working anywhere? Me: * thinking of a way to say I'm not doing either right now and in fact I'm not doing much of anything really productive because I'm dealing with a bunch of stuff that I'd rather not talk about* ....well...

[@lolymop333]

OH MY GOSH YES. That is so fricking annoying. Then they proceeded to judge you, lecture you, and give you pointless "life advice". It's SO annoying.

[@Marialla.]

I try to be forgiving to the poor mannerless schmuck who asks this question, recognizing they aren't trying to be a prying prodnose, but are just seeking to find points of potential interest in your life that you would want to discuss. Utterly ignore the slant that they have any right to knowledge about your work or school if you don't care to share, and instead say "Lately I've really begun to care about this whole issue about the _____ which I just heard about on the news, and I'm wondering what I should do about it. Have you got any opinions?" That'll get them going.

[@sophia_megan]

I super agree with getting away from asking people about their work just to make conversation. My husband was medically retired from the army (a job that he had big dreams for) at a young age and is now unable to work due to physical and mental disabilities. It can definitely be a deeply triggering conversation for him. Love the idea of "how would you rate your day"

[@leenanorms]

Yeah I can imagine that's super hard to deal with. I'm all about scoring days instead, much funnier!

[@sarahfrench5103]

I couldn't tell you the number of times I've been asked "What do you do?" and responded "Not very much."

[@flora22511]

oh god yes I’ve had that ‘we’ve already met moment’ - thanks for bringing that memory back 😜😂

[@Lauren_Horrell]

The idea of ‘what you do?’ is something my boyfriend and I have spoken about before. People have to make money to live, some people have jobs they love and are their passion but others have jobs just for money. We have started asking ‘do you have any hobbies?’ Or ‘what do you do in your free time?’ We find it’s helps to have a better conversation and you come away truly knowing something about that person! This is such a good series, I only found you yesterday and I’ve been watching your videos back to back!!

[@aceray97]

Agree so much with the "are you free..." one. I HATE being asked that without knowing what I'm unwittingly signing myself up for. Usually respond to it with "Why?" tbh, may be blunt but I need the information and I always lead with the activity not the time when making plans. Excellent list all round :)

[@adriana_cern]

I do agree with some of the things you said, I don't agree with some other. But I swear I'm so tired of considering people's feelings ALL THE FREAKING TIME. Not because I'm being a selfish prick who doesn't care about other people's emotions, just because everything must be so correct nowadays and people get offended by everything, literally everything. Someone in the comments said that talking about pets is a good idea but what if the person's pet rabbit died the day before? You just never know what the answer will be and what reaction you'll get. And that's what life's about.

[@claireeden8069]

I'm so glad you found Jordan!! She's fantastic and I've learnt so much from her. I HATE the what do you do question. I quit my full time cushy job in an office to take a break and be a Cleaner. I love it, I get paid to do something I find very therapeutic whilst binge-listening to audio books and podcasts. My response is to say I do a lot of things but I get paid to clean. Why can't people just say, what do you like to do with your time? That could be their career but it could also be their hobby. P. S. You look like Jo March with that adorable fringe.

[@christineh.1566]

The part about stopping asking people "what do you do" really hit home for me. I was passionate about my studies but since I got my master's degree it's been hell to find a job in this domain since there is a lot of competition, not a lot of jobs offers and too many persons who want to do that. Moreover, with what's going on in the world right now and to be able to have money, I have to do another job that is really not what I studied for and when I tell others about it they always look sad or have pity for me as if it's a downfall and my work life is ruined since I don't do the job I'm actually qualified for. Always makes me feel shitty. :( really there is nothing more for you to life than the jobs of others to see if they are worth it or nor ?

[@Tina.bina.]

It has been a while since I made conversations with new people but I've been spending the lockdowns mulling over what it's like to talk to people and thought of the questions, "how do you like to spend your day?" Or "what does your average week/day look like?" Or "what's your favorite hobby or activity?"

[@swatiswami598]

alternate title : a lesson in empathy

[@MicahRion]

I loved this. It was like a great convo with a big sister. (I think, I’m the oldest sibling in my family 😁)

[@LinaMahoney357]

Thank you for adding about not asking "what do you do?" It is such a difficult question for me to answer because it is really complicated and I can't answer it without going into a whole life history involving being widowed, having mental illness, being a mom....just so many layers of things I am not ready to share with someone I just met.