KEN READS | EPISODE 40: CAN AVOIDANTS LOVEBOMB THEN DISCARD YOU AFTER 4 DATES?

[@missfrankiegreen]

That was my letter!! Thank you so much, I feel completely validated by your response to his text message, some people in my circle actually thought it was a nice, considered message!? But they weren’t really aware of what had been happening. For context when we talked about previous dating history on the first date, we’d had a previous discussion on the dating app about the horrors of online dating, so we were lightheartedly talking about those stories and how outrageous some people are, but when it came to his actual marriage he didn’t go into much detail. I also think in the end he maybe used the fact that I drink alcohol against me. I was drinking on 2 of the dates and he would drink alcohol free beer, but I tried to make a point of not drinking on the other 2 dates and even joined him with an alcohol free beer.

[@ABiteofArt]

Thanks for sending this! This letter really resonated with me, especially since the guy I was in the situationship with was named Paul. Even the “breakup” text reminded me so much of the text I got. It’s so strange how they go from this kind and sweet and open person to a robotic mannequin when they withdraw. It can really mess with your mind. Best wishes! And continue to heal! 💚💚💚

[@shriyahari9855]

My read: he is FA. When you fell sick, he read that as "she is withdrawing", bc that is the kind of withdrawy move *he* would pull to "test" the other person. So bc he struggles with internal insincerity, he projected that onto you. When he said he needed to be more financially regulated he likely wanted to hear "oh! We can do something lowkey - like a walk or even me coming over - something budget friendly" rather than "you dont have to pay for me" which to him feels like rejection bc he likes the role of "providing" (eyeroll). I would have said the same as you though! You didnt do anythjng wrong - theyre just very fragile little emotional butterflies. So i think for him somewhere along the way he started to decide you didnt appreciate him - bc he is fragile. You didn't do anything wrong. He is scared and leans into fears bc FAs have learned/internalized retreat is the better part of valour

[@missfrankiegreen]

⁠​⁠@@ABiteofArtit’s awful and now every time I hear the name Paul it sets my teeth on edge.

[@SherriFlemming]

Frankie, thank you for sharing your story. Dating is a total shitshow. A sea of emotional dysfunctionality. You didn't do anything wrong. Good for you for calling him out. He couldn't handle your brutal honesty. Lovebombing and future faking indeed. Intensity isn't intimacy. As I stated previously, you dodged a bullet. All the best. ♥️

[@missfrankiegreen]

@@SherriFlemmingthank you. I finally got my story out 🙃

[@1991windsor]

I went through the same thing. To me, it sounds like he couldn't handle her brutal honesty at the end when she responded to his text to distance. That shows you his avoidant side right there because he felt it necessary to block her. I had to write the guy who I was dating a letter as well, and sometimes you just have to do that to get the closure they will never give you. I found out from a family member that he has done this to several other women before. I'm sure the person that she dated has done this before as well. It doesn't make it right, it just helps you realize it's not you, it's them. It's to the point where I don't even want to date anymore.

[@missfrankiegreen]

Yes it was my letter and I can’t face dating again. This feels like the straw that finally broke the camels back. We’d had previous conversations about confrontation and I’d told him it’s not something I enjoy, but when I have to do it and someone’s behaved badly I won’t shy away from it. Yes I wonder if he’s done this before, he told me the woman he’d dated before me had got carried away too quickly and was leaving him voicenotes telling him she was falling in love with him, he claimed this was after only a couple of dates and that he personally felt that love is something that takes a really long time so he broke things off gently. When he ended things I did bring this up and I said if this is what you go around doing to women, it’s no wonder they are leaving you confused voicenotes. I criticised him, so I got blocked, she didn’t and that’s why she didn’t get blocked.

[@barbara6840]

Oh man. This letter has my soon to be letter beat. I went through this in 8 weeks. Love bomb with extravagant gifts and a roller-coaster of trauma dumping to a dump text out of no where! Had to go radio silence military style to keep my sanity. It's been 10 weeks and I'm still hurting but knowing this truly had nothing to do with me. Thank goodness for videos such as these and your sincere input Ken that has helped me through.

[@missfrankiegreen]

It’s awful, it’s been 5 months for me and I still think about him all of the time. I had a previous bad experience with an overt love bomber, this time it was so much more subtle, it blindsided me in comparison. But you aren’t alone.

[@JadeFio-r9c]

Wow, I had this IDENTICAL situation happen. Been so hard to deal with and I’ve questioned myself SO much. I feel so validated that this is a thing! My goodness, what a mess. He did a number on me.

[@missfrankiegreen]

Yes it definitely opened up a lot of old wounds and made me feel awful about myself, even though I know I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. It’s pretty much put me off dating for life.

[@chiaraA.]

These writers should all realize they dodged a bullet with the 'relationships' ending. The people who do this in all these letters are F***ed up and without help and working through their trauma, they are no good for relationships. Period. DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME with thinking there was something to salvage or worth salvaging.

[@mollyhardy4550]

I just finished going through a very similar experience. I’m sorry that Samantha experienced this, however, hearing her story helps me feel less alone. And ultimately now I feel more confident in myself. Thank you Ken for your service!

[@missfrankiegreen]

Yes it’s my letter. You definitely aren’t alone. Just the biggest head f**k of my life, so confusing when it just comes out of nowhere.

[@Cierra9089]

Thank you Ken. Your insights feel so cathartic and healing

[@HotRodHarley06]

I'm sorry she is going through that. Sounds like flaw finding to me. I lived that as my past partner slow faded. I was told it wasn't me that she needed to work on herself and alone was the best choice for her. The decision to discard me was absolutely unilateral, I had no say nor was there any discussion about doing anything to salvage our relationship. I should also add I'm the one alone. Her not so much is all I'll say.

[@missfrankiegreen]

Thank you. I think that’s the thing that feels like such a betrayal. Like he was secretly flaw finding, whilst pretending the opposite and then not even having the balls to disclose to me what exactly his issues were.

[@SherriFlemming]

​​@@missfrankiegreen Another messed up committment dodger, Frankie. Could be a player. Dating Screening Questions: 1. How are you responsible for the demise of your past relationships? When did your last relationship end and why did it end? 2. What does a relationship look like for you and mean to you? 3. What does loyalty and commitment look like for you and mean to you? 4. How do you deal with conflict ? 5 What do you like and respect about women? 6. Have you healed from all of your past relationships? 7. What do you do for personal growth? Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future-Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞 5 Boundaries You Must Set With Men - Jonathon Aslay podcast 🌞 8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman defines the blueprint of healthy relationships. It clarifies. Are You The One For Me Knowing Who Is Right And Who Is Wrong by Barbara De Angelis Safe People by Henry Cloud The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker Boundaries by Henry Cloud

[@robinlipert1477]

Ken, are you sure you don’t like woman??😂 You might just be the perfect guy. Your commentary is not only brilliant but always has me in stitches! 🤣🤣Love to you. Thank you so much and be well.

[@paulinak.1736]

I guess the main difference between trauma dumping and sharing valuable information is that this is going to affect us directly. My DA ex shared very early on, that he has a history of cheating - and his marriage ended because of that. I thought it was ok for him to tell me this because people should be able to decide if they want to invest in a relationship with someone with such a story. I get why recovering addicts might want to share it very early - after all, it might be a deal breaker for someone. But the whole history of family trauma is waaaay too much too soon.

[@1989leaxy]

Hmm I get what you mean but no matter what trauma they have, if they didn't heal from it it will affect the other partner anyway.. that's why they give up and leave. So it does still affect us directly in the end.. if you choose a partner, you also choose their past.

[@SherriFlemming]

Indeed. Interrogate Your Partners Their Past Is Your Future-Sam Vaknin podcast 🌞

[@paulinak.1736]

@@1989leaxy we all have something to heal from. It's going to be visible in behavior, usually quite early on. But throwing it in person on the first couple of dates is just not the best idea ever. You don't know them, you have no idea if you want to be with them, there is no connection yet. You can share attraction, fascination, or infatuation, but that's all there is. There is a place and time for such confessions, but it should be earned. I don't think you can find and date people without traumas. Even therapy is not going to fix everything, and definitely won't fix it forever. We are all the work in the process, so to speak. So while I appreciate if someone is sharing things like addictions or maybe health issues early, because it can be a dealbreaker, sharing a difficult family story is bit too much

[@mollyhardy4550]

Thanks!

[@sapnapandey5922]

❤❤