THINGS I FIND HARD ABOUT RAISING KIDS IN GERMANY 🇩🇪

[@EngelinZivilBO]

You doesn't appear strange if you have a present for the teacher.. You appear like a damn polite person ;) don't be afraid to break our social rules :) I do it all the time

[@quentinmunich9819]

German parents do not know all rules either! Just relax, the teachers will tell you!

[@xThomas79x]

Ja, Deutschland ist voll doof, ey!

[@rachaelkramer9746]

wasgeht dichdasan American culture is to give an end of the year gift to the teacher, too. 😍

[@meandnooneelse539]

Im a german mum and my kids never wear to much clothing, because I think it is ridiculous how overprotected parents think their kids should be. My kids love walking barefoot and are allowed to do so a lot. It is healthier anyway. So all the People that don’t let their Kids do it or look at me like im bad, get a look from me, because they’re doing it wrong in my opinion. I think you are a very nice thoughtful person and I see that you’re giving your absolute best as a mother. The German way of doing things is not always the way that is better!!! Maybe the other parents should adapt more to your way of doing things! Thank you for your lovely videos, they are so interesting!!!

[@jannik2869]

Barefoot in school?

[@KimChi-iy7jd]

@@jannik2869 definitifely barefoot in kindergarden. :o)

[@pastelpepe]

Meand Nooneelse How is it healthier?

[@KimChi-iy7jd]

@@pastelpepe well I can only tell you what we are told, that children`s eye, hand, feet coordination develops better barefoot, foot muscle, bone and tendons develop better barefoot, nerves that are not stimulated in shoes will be called upon barefoot and are not so bad to have felt in general, who knows about the nerves brain connection and the consequences. The self awarness is different without shoes and I am personally sure that it is very important to let children explore diffenrent grounds without shoes. Normally in Middle Europe there is a rich history for pediatrists, orthophedic specialists and general doctors to tell mothers to let children run around without shoes as much as possible. If this has changed, then I assume it is a very recent phenomenon which has more to do with helicopter parenting and the unsure medicitian who fears to be sued for everything. I am sure you know that we have lots of knee and feet injuries due to skiing and mountain climbing, still in rehab barefoot therapy is one core therapy for all kinds of injuries concerning the foot or the legs. I am no medical personal, but I am sure they do not do it for nothing. I hope I have given you some healthy arguments for barefoot walking. Greetings to you!

[@KimChi-iy7jd]

@@jannik2869 I recall beeing barefoot in school sometimes too. Teachers asked us to go barefoot on excursions or in sports units, so yes, barefoot in school also.

[@sieglindewelz5362]

Das Geschenk für die Kindergärtnerinnen finde ich sehr nett. Diese Menschen sind der Grund warum deine Tochter dort gerne hingeht. Zu allen anderen: Deine Kinder lieben dich, und du machst alles richtig. Es ist egal, was andere dazu sagen. Barfuß, ohne Jacke, das spielt keine Rolle, solange die Kinder sich wohlfühlen. Liebe Grüße.

[@der7tezwerg921]

Honestly, you are overthinking way to much. Do your thing. If you are comfortable with it, then it shall be fine. Just don't over adjust. You are you for a good reason. And if it werent as it is it was bad.

[@TubetakerBHV]

best comment. thank you.

[@itsgorani9133]

Coming from Würzburg (I think you live close by this town) and being a teacher, I want to second that. Having a small present for the Kindergarten teachers (or for Emilias future teachers in elementary school) is a very nice gesture, the German parents should consider, too. Nothing expensive though, as state employed teachers are actually forbidden to accept any "gifts of value", but a card, a small bag of cookies or package of tea leaves is OK to receive from parents. Don't give up on us Lower Franconians, when it comes to making friends. We take a while to lighten up. From my experience, there are still many people that fear they will embarrass themselves, when they have to talk to you in English. That might be a reason you get "excluded" from the "mommy groups". PS: The Schultüte should be a DIY thing and not bought from a store, if you want to go traditional - although I think most of them are bought from stores these days. It should be filled with items needed from Emilia's first day in school, like pencils, crayons, perhaps a name plate and with some sweets and candy (she can eat herself or share with her new classmates). If you want to get involved in Emilia's school, there will be an "Elternbeirat" (parent's association), who usually help with extracurricular activities, like baking cakes for parent's evenings or helping out as chaperones on school trips.

[@flylikeabird9479]

Antoinette, I on the other side think, you are not over- thinking, for me your thoughts and impressions were very comprehensible and not something taken as what it isn't. Just facts. People are not always friendly even if they look unfriendly, some are not suddenly super friendly if YOU would cross the "border", as others write in some comments, enough people stay cold and unfriendly. And how bad it feels if one don't know automatically all the habits and traditions like from the Kindergarten and similar surroundings and if one makes little mistakes so frequently, nobody who hasn't experienced this doesn't know how bad this feels. I know it and I hate it.

[@samanthajoana7745]

@@itsgorani9133 I'm a student at the time and a few months ago I graduated from Realschule and my class gave our class teacher a coffe machine😂 It was normal. I guess it was the most expensive gift this evenig but she was happy. Every class got their favorite teachers some presents. Usually teachers even get a small birthday present. And usually when the children are younger the parents do some cute diy.

[@blubbente6595]

About your Kindergarten presents: my mom is a kindergarten teacher and in the end of a Kindergarten year she gets a few presents. Not big baskets but little things like a candle, chocolates or something crafted, usually going along with a card or note from the family and maybe a photo of the kid. The kids leaving for svhool usually have one big present together for the whole kindergarten. And about the friendship thing - I totally see what you mean and that it's hard to get to know someone. But it's worth it and once you really met them it's a long lasting friendship. When I was an Au Pair in New Zealand it was easy to strike up a conversation but it was always so shallow and it didn't feel like I was really getting to know anyone. So I guess it's a cultural thing but finding friends is not easier in NZ compared to Germany, just different. I love watching your videos, love from the Ruhr Area :)

[@carola-lifeinparis]

Hi Antoinette, lovely video as always. About the friend thing - you say you have a couple of German friends and a couple of foreign friends ... Do you realize that most Germans do not even want to have more than 5 close friends? Yes, it is super hard to make new German friends when you move somewhere new, even as a German, but that is because Germans do usually not actively look for new friends once they have their little group. So if you have 2 or more close German friends plus 3 foreign ones then you already have the average friend number to be surrounded with, because if it is a "gute Freundin" then you want to see her at least every two weeks. So my cousin had two other close friends in the village she grew up with, those are the friends that last through different stages, and then there are the acquaintances that you befriend while doing one thing together but then when you stop that one thing, it will end as well. Tipps to make Mom friends: When Emilia starts school, join the Elternbeirat and the Elternvertretung, that way you already meet other mothers and you get news first and then other parents will talk to you. It also improves your German. If you do not work full time, raise your hand and offer to be the second person on a school trip, that way the children will love you and talk to their parents about the cool mother Emilia has. Have Emilia join a club, maybe sport, Leichtathletik, Volleyball, Tennis or ballet or something that is offered there. That way, she will not be too old to do something, I started ballet at 7 and always felt too old as the others started at 6 yo.

[@mauertal]

#carolainparis Sie sucht ja Kontakte für Smalltalk im Alltag, eben gute BEKANNTE.

[@mattesrocket]

@@mauertal eben, das hat hier keiner begriffen: sie findet es schade und unverständlich, dass man außerhalb eines engen Freundeskreises nicht auch freundliche, kleine und vor allem offene Gespräche mit zunächst fremden Menschen z.B. auf Spielplätzen führen kann, oder natürlich auch bei vielen anderen Situationen, wo man eben als Neue, z.B. Mutter und Kind wo hinzukommt. Natürlich sind nicht alle Deutschen z.B. auf Spielplätzen so verschlossen, aber das gibt es dennoch ziemlich oft. Es geht ja gar nicht darum, dass es gleich auf eine große Freundschaft hinaus läuft, sondern darum, sich so mit dem anderen zu unterhalten, dass man Positives und Nettes einfach austauscht, wodurch sich jeder willkommen fühlt. Nun ja, nicht umsonst sagt man nicht im Deutschen sondern im Englischen "you are welcome" für "gerne". Den Unterschied begreift man halt erst, wenn man im entsprechend anderen Ausland ist und sieht, wie nett und freundlich Fremde untereinander sein können, OHNE DASS DAS KÜNSTLICH AUFGESETZT IST, wie das denen immer unterstellt wird (wobei es das ab und an natürlich auch gibt), sondern meist ist das einfach tatsächlich verdammt nett und schön.

[@Fidi987]

@@mattesrocket Das erlebe ich aber anders (bin aber keine Mutter). Smalltalk ist sehr oft möglich, was schwierig wird, ist dann ein näherer Kontakt, eine Verabredung zum Kaffeetrinken oder so. Auch das geht mit bestimmten Bekannten aber hin und wieder. Und ich wohne in Norddeutschland, wo die Menschen dem Stereotyp nach ja eher wortkarg sind.

[@Myautumnpages]

This! I feel like I will really settle in easily once I move to Germany because of things like this. I only want a couple close friends, I don’t want to feel like I have to socialize and make friends with people while I’m just out with my kids to play. If I’m at the playground watching my children, leave me alone 😂😂

[@Damian.D]

@@mattesrocket Soo präzise formuliert! Hut ab! Und es ist nicht nur nett, sondern einfach nur menschlich, sich mit anderen auszutauschen... Und sehr gesund!

[@lazysheep1232]

Hi Antoinette, I usually dont leave comments that often BUT I just wonna let you know: stay strong and dont worry what other people say or think about you. I think you are a great person and you can do anything you want to do! And maybe you better ask your mother in law instead your husband because she knows so much better when it becomes to vorschule or kundergarten stuff;) Also as a german Mom with a 16 year old teenager daughter... I think the german system is pretty good BUT ...man, I was SO glad when my child was getting out of Kindergarten... all this Daily notes about what they would need for the next day, week, year... hour..what so ever.. drove me nuts. Finding friends is also hard I guess.. I noticed it when I got my child to her First day in Kindergarten. There was this women from Thailand.. standing outside of the group of moms, waiting to pick up her child when Kindergarten was gettin over.. I went to her and started talking..she barently could talk some broken german words... and today? We became best friends ...she started her own business...and my Brother is married to her sister;) and for all the people out there they think that those women came out of sex tourism or where ordered out of anywhere..NO they werent 😂😂😂

[@Annika20091995]

Hi Antoinette, I´m a german Kindergartenteacher in Germany. I think some parents are scared to do something wrong. So they try everything to do right. But personally I would say, don't overthink everything other german mums do. Because of course your kids must have a mum who cares about them and show them the world you see. It´s ok and also a must to do what you think its right for you and your family. Be you and be open to the people/culture around you! Much love from Hamburg

[@jrgilmore935]

Thank you for giving your kindergarten teachers a present! I'm a primary school teacher. I used to work at a school with very nice parents. We always got a little present for Christmas and before summer break. It was just really nice to feel appreciated. Now I work at a school with parents who don't seem to care as much. I sometimed get frustrated because we work so hard and often do so much more than we'd have to to make things nice for the children. A little thank you every now and then really feels good! It really depends on the school, the town, tje people... I'm really sorry that it is so hard to make German mum friends! I wish you lived closer by!

[@TheLilli22]

Walking barefeet is very healthy for everybody and it is good to teach the children to mind their steps. Don't worry about that - I was running around barefoot all my childhood and I still love to do it today. Most people in Germany are a little "spießig" with these kind of things....

[@finellaletznew7403]

Dear Antoinette, I am german, raised here, and you know what: I feel the same about all the expectations that come along when you have children. I think what is normal or appropriate depends so much on the kindergarden or school you‘re at. Sometimes I feel it is a parttime-job to get everything done that is expected to get the kids ready for school or Kindergarten. You are not alone with this feelings and I‘m pretty sure you beeing a Newzeelander is not the point. I know so many German mums that roll eyes about the amount of lists and appointments for their kids. Just try to relax! You‘re doing a great job and your kids won‘t get harmed from a missing piece in their Rucksack😉. Much love from Köln, Andrea

[@Akoijam1520]

‘I am like the foreign mum who gets things wrong’ that’s so me 😁 i am from the north east of India living in Stuttgart and I struggle a lot making friends with German mums too 😞 can you do more videos on how you prepare your child for first time school in Germany , it will be quite helpful for mum like me. Thank you xx

[@hivisema4645]

Hi Sarda, where from northeast? How nice to see a northeastern mom here in this channel:). M not a mom nor am I living in Germany. But there's one thing in common, I'm also from north east, from Nagaland, basically:)

[@Akoijam1520]

Big Hello Hivi Sema ! We are neighbors then 😁 i am from Manipur. So good to find a fellow north eastern 😍 xx

[@hivisema4645]

@@Akoijam1520 good to know:) hopefully we get to see each other one day, maybe in north east or maybe there in Germany if things work out well at my end here, hehee^^. Until then, I send you love and prayers. Be strong and be safe. May love never leave you. Be well:)

[@Akoijam1520]

Hivi Sema , sending you good wishes and prayers as well. And yes i would love to meet you here or back home. If you are planning to come here I wish you all the best and hope you travel soon:) xx

[@swanpride]

You should try to participate in some club activity...depending on the age of your child, "Mutter und Kind Turnen" is something which might work. Otherwise, is there some sort of Club or non-profit organisation where you are living where people engage themselves in? That's a good way to meet other people too. (Provided that you have the time). As a thump rule, Germans don't invite anyone just nilly willy into their circle of friends. You need to show interest and then they might give it a shot. That's why clubs and non-profit organisations are always a good starting point, because this way you know that you have at least something in common.

[@laurac1902]

Giving the teacher(s) a gift is also normal here in the U.S. In fact, we are typically given a list of the teacher’s preferences at the beginning of the year. Even if it is not customary in Germany, I’m sure they very much appreciated the gesture!

[@k.k.4182]

Be careful with presents for teachers in Germany. They are not allowed to accept presents that exceed a worth of 10€. A little thing at the end of the year might be appreciated especially when it comes from the whole class.

[@tasminoben686]

Katharina KirchhoffMoin, hier im Norden haben wir den Kindergärtnerinnen zum Abschluß der Kindergartenzeit auch eine Kleinigkeit geschenkt Aber es kam halt auch von allen Eltern und war nur eine Aufmerksamkeit.

[@millyhartz5604]

"we are given a list of the teacher's preferences"? Really? It sounds so strange for me! Here in Brazil we use to give a gift to the teachers at the end of the year (for us is the end of the grade as well) but I can't imagine receiving a list. It would seem so rude. Funny how each country deals with the same issue!

[@sykotikmommy]

I've only heard of this happening in different areas of the country. I've experienced school for myself and children in New Mexico, Delaware and Pennsylvania. None of the schools I went to or sent my children to did this and only a few of us gave something small to the teachers.

[@S.B.2011]

@@millyhartz5604 I've lived in the US since 99 and have never gotten or seen a list but a small gift can be given to a teacher at the end of the year. It sounds like it's only in some parts of the US

[@Vincentanton2032]

I can't understand why the german parents don't include you as a foreigner. But i've seen those bad habits from germans too, and i'm german. So when this happened to me and i want to connect with them i go to them and try to get in this "closed" group of moms. And every time i do this, i get wonderful reactions and nice conversations. I think you have to start if you want to. Don't be so shy. Maybe its a german thing to be not so friendly at the beginning, but if you are the first who brakes the ice often you see they are totally normal and friendly people. But i get your point and i made exactly the same experience. Most of the people don't see others and they flying in circles around their own little universe. I personaĺy find it so interesting meeting expats and making new friends, and when i see someone new in a group most of the time i go up to them and speak with them, in the case they looked lost there or alone. And the other points, yes i understand them but don't overthink so much. Way to many concerns and thoughts. Believe me, if somethings missing or incorrect the schools informs you. Or your kid. So, lean back and try to be more like a new zealander, ...and i try to be less german ;) all the best!!!

[@DrGlynnWix]

If it makes you feel any better, my sister moved from one Alabama to Texas in the States, and she found it really hard to make friends, which hasn’t really changed now that she’s had a child. I think people do chat, but they don’t get to know anyone much more than that. I think it’s just much harder to make friends when you are older and don’t have built in networks like you do in school or university.

[@sykotikmommy]

You're right about that.

[@1029blue]

Yeah, although people in the U.S. are generally more approachable than people in Germany, the ease of making friends depends on where you live. For example, I have plenty of experience with the "Seattle Freeze."

[@SnorriSnibble]

The bare feet thing is not that weird. I grew up in the 2000s and I and a lot of my friends would always run around with bare feet, so it either changed drastically in the last few years or the people in your area are a bit snobbish (no offense).

[@Pewtah]

As a German, this topic seems to me to be very dependent on which people you live with. Two streets down or in the next town there are different opinions..

[@backpfeifengesicht8415]

@@stakeoutrockhound523 Munich.

[@yeinlee4775]

I guess it depends where you live. I'm from a big city here in Germany and with the amount of glass, cigarette butts, gum, general trash and dirt/dust on the ground, I personally would never walk bare feet myself on it, nor would I want my children walking on it.

[@P8qzxnxfP85xZ2H3wDRV]

I'm German and have lived in other countries for quite some time. From my personal experience, making new friends just works differently in Germany. When I was abroad and talking to people a few times, they'd just automatically assume that we've become friends and invite me to friend-type activities. A German would only ever assume that you want to be an acquaintance and just want to kill some time by doing small talk. You will not automatically cross that border into the friend zone, because people think that they're inconveniencing you by inviting you to an activity for which you have to take time out of your busy schedule. You need to make your intention to become friends very clear by speaking it out aloud: "Hi, do you want to be my friend?" Of course that's an oversimplification, but it works much more like children would do it. It's easier to plan an activity yourself and when you invite people, you cleverly hide the word friend inside the invitation. Something like "I've planned planned a bbq for family and friends on Saturday. I'd like you and your family to join". But honestly, I've also done it in the absolute direct and most German way possible: "I'd like to be your friend", "Oh ... haha, I'd like to be your friend too", "Good", "Good". :)

[@mathildafischer5482]

My parents both come from Germany but from different areas and when they moved to franconia my mum as she didn't have a job felt the exact same way! Although she is german she found it extremely hard to bond with the locals and my grannie kept saying " with the Bavarians you need to eat 10 buckets of salt" - people tend to be a lot more open in the north compared to the soulth. And even I, growing up realise that most of my close fiends, their families moved here as well. But stay positive! It takes time but with consistency and a smile people will learn to value your nice personality:) My mum started to sing in the dorfchoir and they kind of made a band which really helped her!

[@missis_jo]

I moved from Berlin to Munich and the only Munich person I ever got close to is my husband. All my friends in university (with just two exceptions) where either from Berlin or any other east german state. The two exceptions are from Hannover and a village close by Hannover. Now, as a mom, my closest mum friends are again people from the north or from Berlin. We have a lot of families in our house with 'real Munich parents'. They are all friendly and we chat a lot on the playground and during our annual Hoffest, the kids go in and out in all the families in the house, but still, I never really feel like I'm belonging. I guess the core values and what's important in life is so different that we just can't come together. That's what I came to think of, over the past decade. A big car, regular weekend trips, a huge flat, a hut (or even several) in the alps - that's what they talk about. On the other hand, I'm pregnant with number 4, we live in a 72sqm 3-room-flat, we don't own a car and in my oppinion we are well off (financially). We can got eat out if we want to, we can go on weekendtrips, we can afford these super crazy expensive school bags 💸. I guess they think we are poor. I don't know. Life seems so different down here. Seen and being seen or not belonging because of appearing poor - that's nothing I ever experienced growing up in the 90s in east Berlin.

[@IZaubermausI]

Don‘t think so much about the „right german way“ - in most cases there isn‘t ohne... I‘m a native german mom of three children and I always did what I thought is the best for my kids. It‘s what you say: „This is my kid and I know it the best!“ The best way is to have self-confidence!!!

[@lisaf4619]

Most of these topics are just normal expat living in my opinion. I spent time living abroad without children and school topics etc, still all the same though, feeling lost, not knowing how stuff works etc. In my opinion you should discuss crucial details with your husband beforehand! How things are going to work....how you feel and he should be able to help you out! At least you have a native on your side, imagine the ones that dont have or know anyone :-)

[@TheHatter42]

Making friends outside of the group you grew up in is really hard. especially in southern Germany, not only for foreigners but for Germans as well. Even though I'm German I totally agree with you that imho alot of parents tend to overdress their children. i don't really know why but a lot of Germans are very afraid of catching a cold. As long as they run around everything should be fine. only being completely sweaty and then slowly walking home on a chilly day might hold a tiny risk. but one can simply put a scarf on after playing and running around if necessary. and about the barefoot part, running around barefoot is pretty healthy. the only reason to not do it is glass, like you already mentioned. but don't worry too much, if you and your kids feel confident about it just let people think whatever they want to think.

[@malcowitsch6486]

Norms can change in a country so dont over adjust. I grew up in the 70ies in Germany and being barefoot was the Norm as a kid in summer. And stepping on a stone or broken glas only got me the comment from my mum for being stupid cause didnt watch out properly :-) Today that‘ll get you the looks for sure :-)

[@D0MiN0ChAn]

Exactly. I grew up in the 90s, and even then, we used to love running around with no shoes on -- we got a couple of wasp stings here and there, but nothing dramatic. Oh, how the times have changed 😄

[@swanpride]

Well, I grew up in the 1980s, and our parents soon get tired of taking care of kinds which screamed bloody murder because they stepped on a wasp. So, shoes was it eventually. At least for grassy areas and cold stone. Elsewhere being barefoot was still permitted.

[@LeilaLibelle]

I loved this video! Please stay as you are!!! I am from Augsburg/Bavaria and lived for eight years in Hamburg where I really nearly had the same experiences which you described here! I was treated like a foreigner (as you are for most Germans, when you come from Bavaria) and had many difficulties making friends. I am a kindergarten teacher and worked as one for many years and always had arguments with colleagues and parents! I love kids being raised as free as possible (walking barefoot, decide on their own if they have cold or not and so on) and I always had to explain myself. Many parents are overprotective in my opinion and so are many kindergarten teachers. You can really just try to be who you are and get to know the right people for YOU! I wish you all the best for you and your family and always know: YOU ARE GREAT!!! 🙏❤️

[@leoniekoenig1092]

You just described German culture. I'm German in Australia and you're 100% talking out of my soul.

[@simonek7925]

In my experience it is hard to make new friends as an adult in rural areas and villages. The other moms that left you out might know each other since school and prefer to stay among themselves for whatever reason. Probably because people who have never moved far away from home just tend to have little empathy for expats, and because they already have their set group of friends they can rely on, so there is no need for them to make the effort to get to know you. I have to admit I used to behave like that, until I spend one year abroad in a rural area in Asia and was so thankful for everybody who invited me over and chatted with me 😊🙈

[@jumi123]

Hey Antoinette, I totally understand what you mean about Germans not being good at including new people. Germans have a very tied social structures and once you miss certain things, it becomes very hard. I do not have kids yet but I have heard from cousins and friends that have children, that It all starts once you become pregnant. You meet the other "soon to be" moms and even dads at the "Geburtsvorbereitungskurs" for example. Becoming a parent is such a life changing experience, that often even your circle of friends will change. You might still spend some time with old friends (like a childless couples) but ultimately you form close bonds with people whoes children are around the same age as your child. So after the "Geburtsvorbereitungskurs" is over the couples keep in touch. They even send each other cards and small gifts once the baby is there. Often the kids are only born weeks apart because an 8 month along couple will look for couples that are also around 7-9 months along and not 3 month....Sometime the the moms shared a room at the hospital and this is how the friendship starter... And then there is Babyschwimmen or others groups for new born babys. By the time the child is 3 years old a lot of the parents of this area know each other. The know who they like and who is not there "cup of tea". If you are new to the area you still get in but it becomes harder. Kindergarten or first year at school are good opportunities to make friends. For the kids and for the parents because a bigger area is covered and your child knows 3-4 children but not every child from its class. But still.

[@janapleger-martin6187]

I guess there is just a fundamental difference between Newzealanders or well Anglo-Saxon countries and Germany in terms of their definition of being welcoming. I feel that this gets misinterpreted constantly by many other cultures. We are being welcoming (in our understanding of our behaviour) by simply being civil but not overly enthusiastic because we (and other Germans might feel differently about this entirely) have a tendency to find that inauthentic; that is also why we had to learn how to do small talk as a cultural practice (it doesn't and never will come naturally to us :-)). We do make the explicit difference between acquaintances (Bekannte) and friends. Don't feel excluded because you're not being explicitly included. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that that might be the unspoken social rule, in NZ at least, that you have to include people explicitly by making them feel welcome, talking to them, and asking them about themselves. I personally expect people who are new to a social group where I am already "a member" to talk to me, not because I feel they have something to prove or because I want to make them work for it but simply because it's the way things work. That being said, this is still a struggle for many of my friends, who are a bit on the shy side or simply introverted. I do feel that Germans are quick to judge, especially how people deal with their kids - gosh, even those who don't even have children (I am really not excluding myself from that because I do it, too) feel entitled to comment on how somebody lets their kids eat too much sugar or lets them behave or whatever. We find objects to complain about and we are very direct about it. And this kind of directness is another fundamental difference, I think, to other cultures. We really say what we mean to say, nothing more and nothing less. Ok, sometimes we don't say what we mean but, if somebody is being overly indirect we have another reason to complain about that, too. I love that you're sharing your experiences, I think it is a treasure to be aware of these subtle differences in cultures and I really adore your accent. You do you, strike up a conversation, have fun and do your thing.

[@hgzmatt]

I like your way of seeing it. I definitely agree.

[@shosh19631]

My parents were from Germany, I grew up in the USA. My mom definitely overdressed me! That’s so funny! In the winter I was so bundled up that I couldn’t move! Haha your story made me laugh!

[@esrajp]

Hey, I totally get you. And I also worry about these things to happen to me soon :/ Unfortunately I believe you would have the same problems in whichever foreign country you would be living in. We will get better hopefully in few more years ;)

[@traceywatson2092]

I had to laugh when you spoke about the children going barefoot. Our daughter (we are Americans) learned to walk while we lived in Germany. When I grew up, children’s first shoes were very structured, White, with a bell 🔔 tied to each shoe. Our German neighbors all pointed and laughed when they saw our daughter out and about. The bells were just for the child’s enjoyment, but the Germans viewed them more like a way to know where our child was without actually having to watch her. We loved the 6 yrs we lived in Germany. Would love to go back to visit our landlords who were so very kind to us.

[@icke11234]

6:06 It's never wrong to express your gratitude, and you are allowed to do it in your own special way.

[@nataliedaly122]

I understand your discomfort at the German play group. I live in a small town/village in Franconia and the mother's at our local playground are a tight knit group which isn't particularly warm and friendly to newbies. It can appear difficult to become friends with them. However it is expected that as the newbie you take the initiative, be proactive and start the small talk. With time and determination you will be accepted and build friendships.

[@owl_of_minerva9675]

You are extremely polite and forthcoming in your talk. I hope the people here really do appreciate this overwhelming effort of yours to integrate into the German society! Wellcome, Antoinette!!

[@nadjag1534]

Hi Antoinette. Don't worry. I'm a German living in the US. I have about the same experience just the other way around. Those gifts for the teacher on the end of the school year, I never know what to get, what's to much or to little. And my friends are majority German lady's living here. I did not even know anyone of the other parents in my little ones class last year. I think we are all doing alright and our best and sometimes we are allowed to complain and be barfoot. Lol I love your videos and the tips about bilingual kids.

[@MiSaLiAnW]

i remember as a kid, at the beginnig of the year each teacher would tell a list of things we had to organize. For every "Schulfach" we got a new list (Hefte, Schnellhefter, Umschläge, Stifte, Knete, Wasserfarben usw.) . They often expext different style of paper, liniert or kariert or blanc. And every "Fach" has it's own colour. Maths often had blue envelops. As a girl i had lots of fun wrapping hardcover book into paper. We met with our friends every year and made an event out of it. School systems in Germany vary a lot. Some want you to buy books, some not. There is a publisher for literatur books called "reclam". They offer literatur books for small prices. The main books are often owend by the school. When i was young we hat to carry them home, but i think that changed.

[@joannajaworska0000]

I can understand you very good. Though I'm from Poland, there were a lot of things so new to me: die Schultüte, Bobby car... there are cultural differences, which still surprise me, although I've been living here since 2008. I think the present for teachers was very nice, in Poland we also thank teachers with flowers or gifts. It's interesting what you pointed out in the clothing subject. I also think many babies wear too much of it, but parents in my age often says that when our parents generation prepares grandchilden clothing, perhaps that's just that age gap. I have been living for the last 10 years in NRW and I'm so glad that it is so open and friendly. Because it is such a melting pot with many people of foreign origin (sometimes they were the parents or grandparents who came here), I don't feel isolated as I felt before while living in East Germany. I really like your channel. Warm Greetings from Dortmund:)

[@jorgschimmer8213]

Making Friends in lower franconia is really hard.

[@gallomphrattlebone329]

in Oberfranken auch.

[@jorgschimmer8213]

transylvanian . You are very welcome to change that.

[@swanpride]

Oh, about making friends: Making friends takes a little bit more effort in Germany than elsewhere, but once you have made it past the first barrier, it is worth it, because than you'll most likely have a friend for life. With the Playgroup: You should go. And you shouldn't be discouraged if they don't say anything to you after the "hello". Just introduce yourself (then they will introduce themselves back) and use an opportunity to ask them about their children (best way into the heart of any parent), or, if you want a "soft starter" ask something related to the playgroup as a conversation starter. There is naturally a problem with close knit groups and cliques in smaller villages, but it is also a German thing in the sense that since you are the newcomer, the onus is kind of on you to indicate that you are interested in getting to know those people (otherwise they will leave you alone because they will assume that you want your privacy). Turn up regularly so that they get used to you, and eventually you'll become part of the inner circle. But it takes time, it's not something which happens in one afternoon.

[@icke11234]

I am a German mom and already consider you my friend, so there you have it. You just haven't met the right people yet, I guess.

[@aleandra1990]

Hello, I have just watched your video and I can imagine how hard must be to be a mum of school children without speaking the native language fluently. I'm polish living in London, don't have my children yet but I work at school and from my observations there are plenty of women/ families like you! I'm sure in Germany you've got plenty of other immigrant mums, who are in the same position. Maybe you should sign up with a group on Facebook or something like that where mums share their experience or concerns? Lots of polish mums do such a think here in England, because English schools are more like German, so it's the same situation as yours ;) don't worry, you're doing great! If unsure just ask someone to explain. When it comes to making friends I believe it's hard for polish mums ( or other foreigners) to make friends with the English too! They usually keep together and it's a closed group. So again it's similar. Just keep it up and don't overthink too much ;) I love your videos 👍

[@KimChi-iy7jd]

Hey Antoinette Emily, this thing with making German mum friends is true and you are not alone. My mum had the same experience when she came back from living outside of Germany back home. I made this experience when living in another town and coming back to my home town. I think this has something to do with routine. People know each other and are used to each other that makes them comfortable and every "new" face is a just a little adventure, some people are open for new people and some people are not so open about it. So, you even can experience this as a German in Germany or European in Europe, please do not think too much about it. As you said you found your friends and those are precious. The older I get the more I think that real friends are rare anyway, so I take very, very good care of good friends and have less patience with people who do not like to be as open as I am. :o))

[@PianistStefanBoetel]

Giving the teacher a present was a really kind gesture. Sometimes ideas from other cultures can enrich our own.

[@cs_yt]

Don't overthink. I'm a foreigner that raised my kids in a country I did not grow up and even though it is not Germany, I had to go through the same issues. I call "correct protocol". It takes time and I missed things too. For example, regarding the gift for the teacher, instead on focus on what the German moms were thinking, focus on the teacher reaction. Trust the wisdom of your little girl when she says that is OK, you did not grow up in Germany.

[@lotharschepers2240]

The schoolcone is one of the few typical german things and their is only one advise to it: Main item to fill in is love. And about your worries to do everything the right way, that is universal allthough my wife and I (both native Germans) have worried at every main step in our sons live and that one has not disappeared until today (and he had just finished his academic studies). That you feel more insecure as you are used to another countries way to do things sounds logical to me, but I'm pretty sure that all loving parents in the world know what you are right now going through. So head up and do not try to do everything as all others would do it. Do it your way (the bascet for the Kindergarten staff was a nice example where a foringer had made a great contribution to our way to things) as long as you put your love behind it, it should be fine. As you love music, that one was a big hit around 10 years ago here in Germany: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jGqbhGZqqtSjiMU

[@janettflegel2666]

When I was in Nee Zealand a few years ago, almost every kid was barefoot, no matter how bad the weather was. Even in supermarkets. I found it a bit odd too, but thought "ok, that's a thing here, why not". But you now see a lot of People in Germany too, wearing no shoes during summer. But compared to Germany, I found the sidewalks in New Zealand cleaner. No glass or dog poo, no cigarette buds etc.

[@Cera3]

Do you plan to send your daughter to "Hort" (after-school care club)? Here in eastern Germany it is quite common for kindergartens to have groups of school kids too. I was in Hort until the 5th year of school (10 yrs old), I had lunch there after school, did my primary school homework there, played with friends, had the opportunity to take an afternoon nap etc.

[@veronikam3836]

I'm a German mum and I gave the teachers in kindergarten a basket with yummie things when my daughter left for school - just like you did. :-) It is not as uncommon as you might think.

[@mauertal]

Real Close friends are often found in a very Young Age, and those friendships stay often till death (no matter how often u met them later). Bekannte ... whats the english word ... casual friends, neighbours, colleagues or somebody me met a playground, Supermarket, Club etc., are different. Hard to explain ... maybe the other moms saw u as rival for her man, or they didnt wanna Smalltalk, or ...

[@riskante]

giving the teacher a little gift on the last schoolday (kindergarten i dont remember :) ) in elemantary school is normal in austria. I see always the kids, who buys 10 minutes before school some flowers. A basket full of gifts is too much. And its to the kids who give it to their teachers. Since now, i never know what the teachers make with 30 bouquets. Still a mystery for me :)

[@lisaf4619]

About the group situation, also normal psychology in my mind.. You are a foreigner, others are as well so you share same thoughts and desperations :-) of course you would want to be around each other considering special circumstances...who knows if you would have become friends otherwise without the "need" to. Of course you want to be nice and welcoming to each other because there is no other choice so to speak other than being completely left out. So to me this is not so much about cultures but normal human behaviour. I went through the same in south america and africa and believe me, it was tough to make real friends due to the same reasons!

[@millyhartz5604]

Where have you been in South America? Here in Brazil people are really friendly, specially with foreigners. It is not hard to see foreigners you tubers come here, make friends, travel with them and even stay at brazilian homes.

[@dond499]

not true, in South America and Africa people are so welcoming they will invite you to live and eat with them for free

[@DanicaChristin]

It must be very confusing! It's hard enough to look after yourself in a foreign country

[@sitmengchue4077]

Antoinette, I understand how u feel. It's not easy to fit in. I have experienced life as an "outsider" too. Luckily, you have a wonderful husband and beautiful kids. All is bearable because they are behind u, ya. By all means ramble..you are being frank. It's okay u talk to us, your viewers. Take care and an early Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your loved ones!

[@all_in_for_JESUS]

Die Barfuß Paranoia werde ich auch nie verstehen! Dabei ist Barfußlaufen so gesund. Oh ja und der Mist mit den Mützen! 🙄 Warum muss im Sommer wie im Winter ständig eine Mütze auf den Kopf? Warum?

[@typxxilps]

Weil es auch Kinder gibt, die schnell Kopfschmerzen bekommen von kaltem Nackem oder kalten Ohren durch Wind, selbst im Sommer. Die einen haben's halt, andere nicht.

[@k.s.9736]

@Plastik Mama das mit den Mützen Frage ich mich auch immer und dann sind das die Kinder die bei jedem Hauch von Wind krank sind wenn sie mal nichts auf den Kopf haben.

[@gaurigatha]

When my child started pre school in America, I had no clue what was the norm because we were born and raised in Germany! So I figured it out by asking! I asked the teachers, other parents, friends! You learn the ins and outs! I also immediately joined the PTA when she started first grade! That way I was always in the know! I would just say, hey I have no clue please explain this to me! I still do today! I also believe my having this different background, has been so helpful for everything! I enjoy being a bit different and so does my daughter! As a used-to-be kindergarten teacher in Germany, people gave us various presents all the time! Foods, gift cards and so on! We always loved it even though we did not necessarily expect it!

[@neurocrafter2428]

I think a part of what you talk about is just being a parent. Parents are judged everywhere and people like to comment on parenting skills, no matter if you're foreigner or not. I actually get inverted culture shock (I'm Polish, living in Germany) because I get judged in Poland much more than in Germany (but I also live in Berlin, which is whole another story). I don't let my kid run bare feet on the streets here, because there is a lot of glass on the pavements, so they are only allowed to do it on the playground or our camping place. But the real culture shock for me was school. I was not prepared how heavily German school involves parents in the education process and how much you have to work withyour kid. It was definitely not like that where I grew up. Also, giving presents to a school teacher that exceed 10 euro in value is absolutely forbidden. They will get problems because of that, they can even get kicked out (it did happen, it's serious, usually they just won't accept). So usually some creative, chep, diy presents are the best. On the other hand it's better than in Poland where teacher presents got overboard with tv sets, microwave ovens, holiday vouchers and things like that. It's refreshingly nice to give a single flower and a picture drawn by the kid.

[@millap779]

I was brought up in a different country and now live in U.S. I feel you. I had to learn a lot especially when my first kid went to school, although I think that here people are a lot more easy going.

[@ThomasKossatz]

Don't try to get germanized, try to antoinetteize others :) Don't assume what german parents do is always right. Overdressing is a good example. However, in a country where people believe a cold comes from cold temperatures and not from viruses, you have to expect such nonsense. Also consider that different german regions do things differently. I am living in the north, and running barefoot is not a problem, at least on gras or sand. And don't forget: The other mothers you meet think mostly the same: Did I do it correctly, should I have bought a present... Don't think too much, do what looks okay for you.

[@veronikam3836]

I am from Germany, and when my daughter finished kindergarten, I gave the teachers the exact same present as you did - a basket filled with yummy things. :-D So, don't feel stupid, because you made a nice gesture. It is perfectly okay! Just because others don't do it, it doesn't mean, that it is wrong.

[@sykotikmommy]

A lot of us do something smaller in the United States at the end of the school year for teachers. This year, I gave teachers and aids a thank you note, bar of my homemade soap and a jar of homemade Epsom salt bath soak. Just a small token of my appreciation. Not a lot of people do gifts in my area.

[@paladin0009]

That thing with the present, was realy sweet. Don't worry about it. My mum isn't from here either and to this day she is giving my piano teacher a little gift, like expansive chocolate or something, every christmas, when nobody else does. In her mind it's just what one does and that is totally fine.

[@derricksmith6647]

I live in the USA and it's normal for students to give their teachers a gift for the holidays. Will also provide gifts at the beginning and end of the school year because we feel that teachers go above and beyond to provide for the students, and it's our way of showing them, we appreciate them. Back in 2016 I did a semester in Europe, I lived in Austria and on the weekends would head out to Munich. I was just going to say be yourself, do what makes you happy and don't worried about trying to fit in. The best part about bringing your own culture to a new culture is that you create cultural diversity in your area. Be proud, be you, be happy.

[@karinland8533]

It really takes time to make friends. I moved in Bavaria, became a mom and had to make friends as an stay at home mom. That is hard. Finally I became friends with moms of my kids friends/class mates and by a hobby. It took me some years, stay strong! It is easier if you go to work and meet people there. I understand your struggle, one of my friends is an expat and I help her if help is needed. Maybe you don't look like you need help? I suggest you talk to the teacher and the other parents at the Elternabend so they know about your thoughts? You do not need to do everything like a german, but of cause knowing how it is usually done here helps a lot.

[@petyaasgarova7145]

I am so glad to hear that you have made a great group of friends in your local town. I am a foreigner in UK and I know that making new friends in a new country is hard.

[@reko7264]

Chapter clothing... I am full in line with you. I am 47 and we raised 3 kids. We let our kids often runs around with bare feet. Our child were nearly no time ill so for us all went fine.

[@TanjaHermann]

I'm a German mom but to be honest, there are 40 years between my son and I, and by the time he went into kindergarten and now elementary school, it was so different from when I was a kid - and also 40 years make memories really foggy ;-) So, my familiarity advantage over non-native moms may not be as large as you imagine it to be. I find many habits and activities in school quite confusing and back in the days you would just send your kids off to school and were never bothered about parent participation, bake sales, creative contributions etc.

[@icke11234]

10:34 That's interesting. I am a German who moved to a small German village and the majority of the friends I've made here have one thing in common: They are NOT from this village themselves and some of them are foreigners! So again, it may not all be due to you being foreign as it's obviously difficult even for Germans to make friends from among the inhabitants of a place they weren't born in.

[@Never_again_against_anyone]

So I am not the only one. 😌🙏 I am another German who moved to an other German region (in my case for master studies). I did not even move to the far other end, but making friends is with the other Germans here is almost impossible. Other German students at university are friendly, but do not seem to want to become friends. Students with migration background and foreign students -sometimes even the ones still struggling with their German- are so much more open. They do not seem to be so judging and instead more genuinely happy to get to know you.

[@tinasponheimer9885]

The present is such a wonderful idea, some of the parents do it in little kindergartens, but a lot of the parents do not appreciate the work of a kindergarten teacher they think they just play with the kids. I really like the parents who bring presents it shows how thankful they are and that they think their child is taken good care of. 😊

[@claudiaduffy5500]

Great video. I like your openness.

[@Julia-wu5so]

Actually I don’t know how I got here (14 year old girl that was born in Germany and raised here as well but my parents are from Vietnam) but I really like to know what it is like for you. You’re a very thoughtful and nice seeming mother and I think you’re doing a great job at rising your children here 💓 new sub definitely

[@tinas.8959]

The thing with the playground is the following: I usually meet with mothers and their children, with whom I was already friends beforehand in the playground and therefore the group looks already "closed". Usually, small groups are found together in the baby age. For example, when baby swimming, Pekip, etc. Or you can find people who have been known for a long time and who happened to have a child at the same time. But that's not an obstacle to not get into the playground anyway ...

[@jorgschimmer8213]

Wait to the moment your daughter is helping you. I wouldn't care about what other parents say.

[@hoodyniszwangsjacke3190]

Oh, this present to the kindergarten teachers, it's just such a lovely gesture! You definitely did'nt do wrong. I think, there is some lack of culture of acknowledgement in Germany. So it was a really nice and good deed from your side. So don't feel doing wrong, because such things are enriching life in common and it is in Germany too!

[@Fidi987]

I must admit about the present for the teacher.. when I was in middle school, there was the parent representative (?) who would present the teacher with a present at the end of each school year - the present would be handed over by her son and her son would be the one receiving the thanks, so we used to think or at least suspect that it was her way of saying "treat my son better than the other students". Also, the teacher (every second year, it was a different teacher) would often say "say thank you to your mother for this", so that it looked like an exchange between the mother/ son and the teacher, not a present every parent had donated a little money for and that was given "by the class". The general idea of buying favorites with presents was always very strong. My brother was in a working space ("workshop") for disabled people and officially earned 120 € per month. The people working there had mental disabilities and often were very attached to their team leaders. Once, my brother brought a small present he bought himself for a team leader that would retire and there was a longer discussion if he was allowed to give this 10 €-present because it was only allowed to give presents for 1 €. The idea behind this was actually "buying favorites" whereas you would think that would not even be necessary in a place like that where the "workers" were actually the persons who were supposed to feel at home there and be fostered.

[@ronja988]

As a German who has been living abroad for many years, I totally get what you are saying! I regularly experience reverse culture shock when I visit Germany. I'm not a mom but I still experience critical looks and comments from strangers there. People get into each other's business, it's acceptable to tell strangers that you think what they're doing is wrong etc. That's Germany. It's shocking, yes. And I grew up there...! Just remain your friendly, bubbly self, Antoinette! Germany needs more people like you. They might learn from you how to be a little more open and outgoing (even if they stare at you at first)!

[@hamuandxerxl4255]

Being able to make German friends very much depends on the society you're living in. I am surrounded by foreigners (students, computer scientists, physicists etc) in Munich - they come from all over the world and nobody cares (or it is seen as enriching). We all speak mostly English, but German and Spanish as well.. It's super fun. But even if you're not a scientist you will find the people in Munich quite open as we have about 25% non-Germans. So what you are talking about is a local thing I'm afraid. I myself spent some time in a tiny German village and was incredibly lonely, couldn't make friends at all, but I'm pretty sure that can happen in other countries as well.

[@mattesrocket]

You are right, it is like this. But not everybody can live in a big city in this little spots, where intelligent and open minded people live. Weather you can't afford it to live in the big cities or your job is anyway in an area, where you have only little towns. So there are big parts of Germany with this narrow minded country side and some parts with a mixed culture, but just a bit better, and in the end only in very few parts of some big cities or sometimes also mid size towns you have the really welcoming spirit. But that is really rare.

[@MomsDiary1]

I think I will be the only foreigner here to say that I have no problems making friends with Germans, especially with Moms. Just on the contrary I try to keep it down a little bit, because I can't make time for all of them. Especially now when my daughter goes to Kita I get asked almost every day from one of the moms to go with them to the playground or go get some ice cream. I find it extremely nice. I guess it much depends from the region you live...

[@maureengoller3213]

Mom's Diary , yes, it was like this for me also, when we moved into our newly built housing estate when our kids were young. Everyone was looking for new friends, as we were all “blow ins” - none of us were raised in this town. It didn’t matter that I was Irish, as the couple across the road were from Hamburg, others from Bayern, others from the former East Germany, others from the Pfalz region, etc...we were all foreigners in Friedberg Hessen. The kids all played outside on the street together, or in the playground in the middle of the estate and the parents would be with them outside, until,they were around 5/6 yrs. old or so and old enough to play outside without parents, in our Spielstraße(a street where cars are only allowed to drive at walking pace and pedestrians and cars have equal priority) .The early childhood years gave us the opportunity to meet new friends and we are still friends with quite a lot of them even now, with our girls being in their late teens. A wonderful place to live.

[@sandracarli1110]

Sometimes we are in the wrong 'circle' or the time is not ripe to meet the right people. I felt like you when I lived in Ireland for one year. Some Germans are incredibly open and warm-hearted and surprise me with their behaviour. I guess it's just a matter of time until you find the right friends.

[@TheSknauf]

Hi Antoinette, ich habe in den letzten Tagen eine ganze Reihe Deiner Videos gesehen und finde sie großartig! Ich bin Papa einer neunjährige Tochter, die auf eine internationale Schule in Hamburg geht. Meine Frau und ich sind beide Deutsche und damit eher ein Exot in der Schule. Schon deshalb finde ich Deine Videos super interessant. Zwei Dinge sind mir bisher aufgefallen. 1) Wir haben Kontakt zu einigen Eltern und ein paar würde ich schon als Freunde bezeichnen. Das habe ich aber ehrlicherweise nur meiner Frau zu verdanken, die - wie Du - sehr offen auf andere Menschen zugeht. Ich finde das absolut bewundernswert, vor allem weil mir das sehr schwer fällt. Lass Dich nicht entmutigen. Du scheinst sehr sympathisch zu sein und hast ja auch einen tollen Freundeskreis. 2) Du hast schon mehrfach in Videos gesagt, dass die Deutschen gefragt oder ungefragt ihre ehrliche Meinung zu allen möglichen Themen sagen. Ich denke, Du solltest viele Deiner Disclaimer gar nicht brauchen. Es ist völlig okay zu sagen, was einem positiv aber auch negativ auffällt. Offenbar scheinen einige der Zuschauer nicht gut mit Kritik umgehen zu können. Das ist schade. Umso wichtiger, dass Du auch mal sagst, was nicht so toll ist. Man kann sich gut in Dich hineinversetzen und dass sollte uns Zuschauer zu denken geben, ob wir nicht freundlicher und offener durch die Welt gehen sollten. Ganz liebe Grüße!

[@sylvialb9823]

As a German who has lived in the US for a decade, I can say that it‘s funny that you’re worried about complaining too much. I’m pretty sure most Germans could go on and on (and on) complaining and would never give it a second thought ;-)

[@MomsDiary1]

Thank you... Exactly... That is killing me slowly .... I come from Armenia and live in Germany for 9 years already. And I wonder why people love to complain here so much...

[@janethockey9070]

Skye Libro Two hours with pauses for outrage.

[@cs_yt]

My ex wife mother is German, I used to tell her only the good things about Germany. I was sincere, I really like all these things (maybe a little inflated) She had to dispute every single thing with some sort of complain. It went for hours and that drove her crazy. She never noticed that I was just teasing her. Mean huh?

[@Imnottrainedforthis]

@@MomsDiary1 It's some kind of hobby or attitude. Like, if you ask a German if he's fine, he says: "Muss." (= yeah, gotta do what I have to do). Thing is that nothing is perfect, the world is fucked up, and even though it's not as bad in Germany as in some other countries, you still feel as if it could be better. I mean, have you ever read Goethe? I, for one, don't care much about complaining and whining unless I can actually present an actual realistic and working solution, but well.

[@Imnottrainedforthis]

@hkistreet Sure. Using "Wie geht's?" as an substitute for "Hello" isn't a German thing, either, although it gains ground, because of all of those foreigners, globalisation etc. . Still, if we answer "gut" (= fine), we are REALLY not interested in any kind of convo you. It creates distance. "Muss" is a bit more familiar - like, you can add something like: "yeah, winter is fucked up" or "Oh? You have to go to work later on?" Given our surprisingly versatile weather here, complaining about it is always a safe topic. Mind, it all depends on body language and level of familarity. I, for one, use "muss" mostly ironically. I'm usually more literal and actually answer whe anyone asks me "wie geht's?"- But well, it's no fun if people keep asking without paying attention. Meh.

[@thorz7304]

I'm a 100% with you about over dressing!

[@ct3950]

About German playgroups, it takes a very lively personality in the group who takes notice of newcomers and starts to include them in conversations. I had momentarily the same experience of not knowing how to get into an established group of mums. Then there were 2 particularly inclusive mums who brought me into the conversations. I think everyone is just unsure how to approach me, and after this introduction, it all went more smoothly. Perhaps some other groups just lack such personalities, making it difficult for foreigners to enter the circle. For me, it is still difficult to be fully integrated into the mums' circle, because the conversation is so fast-paced and filled with unfamiliar expressions, that I as a foreigner can hardly follow, despite my reasonably good grasp of the official Hochdeutsch. Neighbourhood chitchat sounds very different from official conversations, and that is what is tripping me up most of the time.

[@amieclayton697]

I love to hear you talk about the cultural norms of both countries! I'm in the US and it seems like NZ is close to the US. We give gifts to our teachers, let children run barefoot, and don't over dress the children. ☺️

[@ember1794]

Don't you worry, I very much doubt that German Parents know how things work - especially where bureaucracy is involved! The best tip I can give you: accept help, we do, too, and ask our spouses or other parents or the teachers in order to get it 'right' - at university while studying MA Germanistik and English, I had to ask my way through all the things I had to do and courses I had to take in order to get it right (because you could take many different roads, but certain things had to be done), and it was actually best to ask three different people in 'power' to make sure you (and they!) got it right - that was extreme, but it taught me to so get out of my comfort zone and just ask, ask, ask! Though Germans may be 'Present-Muffels' at times, I am very sure that they heartily appreciate such a gesture, perhaps even more so because they did not expect it - good Kindergarten teachers and teachers work hard, which sadly is not often appreciated in Germany - they will have been super-thankful and happy with your present!! A Chinese Pupil of my father's, whom we met at a Chinese Restaurant where he worked, gifted my father a bottle of wine and said that teachers in China are honoured and deemed very important for one's life, and one is very grateful to them and looks up to them - I found that so beautiful, because as a child of teachers, I know how often teachers are generally looked down or frowned upon in Germany - same with policemen! I don't think running barefoot is seen as negative in Germany, actually it is seen as healthy, and as kids we always ran around barefooted - as do my nieces and nephews now, if they want to, so don't you worry!! I've also noticed that there is an alarming trend in Germany of putting a lot of pressure on pregnant women or young mothers to 'get it right'/be perfect! One generation away, this was far from it - my mother only shakes her head when she sees how mothers nowadays struggle to adhere to some idiotic, over-the-top standard, making life hard for themselves and everybody else! The overdressing also might be due to the fact that, at least here in Northern Germany, the weather can change five times in a day minimum, and usually, there's a lot of wind and rain and cold involved! But then I'm not sure kids are overdressed up here! I also hate it when other people (strangers on the street) are telling me what to do - I think it usually is a certain type or group of people, that unfortunately is large enough that you can't always escape it! I agree it's harder to just start a conversation with strangers in Germany, but I got the feeling it is much easier to make friends or at least become good acquaintances if you have a child or a dog - with a dog, you'll get talking to a lot of people even on the street, with a child it is more like: you arrange playdates for your kids with the kids of other Kindergarten- or School-Mums (like: one on one, not necessarily whole groups) or maybe the kids from the sports-class or hobby-course your kids are going to or stuff - there usually needs to be some deeper connection than in a playground scenario - though I like that in America and New Zealand you can just talk to people without seeming weird, and I've sometimes employed this in Germany, too - I feel like Germans are getting more open to it - but then, as I said, it is easier having dogs and/or children - oh God, I hate cliques!! I also try to make people included and welcome, because I know how I feel if I am excluded, but I think a lot of Germans are just completely insecure and BAD (because unpracticed and inexperienced) at doing that - sad thing!! I was afraid when I saw the title of the video - I always liked about you that you (contrary to another youtuber that I stumbled upon) have a well-meaning view on Germany, trying to see the good in us - it's hard to hear all 'one's' German mistakes rattled off while you're just one person and can't do much about it, because I already am different from that, but apparently, Germany as a whole is not - thankfully, the video turned out to not be a rant against our horrible characteristics, thank you for that!! But then, I shouldn't have feared that from you!! And Germany needs more of New Zealand's influence, so don't you ever feel bad for who you are!!

[@folkehoffmann1198]

I work in kindergarden in Germany and it is right that many parents dont give us anything to say thank you. But some do but it is usually only something little like flowers or candy. They dont only do it on the last day of kindergarden but for Christmas and sometimes Easter as well.

[@mathiasfuicabrevis1245]

Hallo Antoinette, its Mathias from Jena with the Chilean wife :-), I really see ur point in the probs of when it comes to German regulations, papers... but just stay confident: Germans are well-known for making a rule out of everything. Germans love to put things in order, in schemes etc. it is not that ur not able or copable of doing things, no no !!! it is because Germany has so many rules and regulations that even Germans like me (and I live abroad and therefore I know it goes different and better) struggle sometimes. i cannot tell u how many times me and my wife sit there and shake heads about what to do, what to say right, how to behave in a certain way, how to prepare, how to convince others about the way we see things, and sometimes we feel like aliens! Keep going, u will sort it all out at the end! the 4 of u r a great family, and u r not alone at all with these probs. but they are temporarily, they will go away the more life goes on. And do not hesitate asking for help, even here. Greetings from Jena . . . Mathias and fam

[@teacherella1338]

Giving presents to (kindergarten) teachers is dependent on the city/institution/parents. I have three kids and I have lived in three different Bundesstaaten and my experience is that it's really dependent on the local conditions.

[@s.h.741]

This is very interesting - I'm a German expat living in a different culture and can relate on so many levels! Please take into account that German parents may also be confused. In Germany, the federal states have different school systems, so if a parent went to school in Bremen or Berlin, they may be just as confused as you feel about school in Franconia. In addition, the school system has undergone massive changes. I went to a Catholic girls' school in the 1980s and I'm sure it was nothing like schools today. I'm sure the other parents understand if you do things differently! I remember that other parents were fascinated I made Schultueten for my kids - nobody else had them but it was an opportunity to tell about my culture and traditions. It's a privilege to live in two cultures and know them well! I enjoy your videos very much! And don't take judgmental looks too seriously. As mother, you'll always be judged, no matter where you're from and where you live. Just let it go.

[@katgaldino7830]

You're video is very interesting as I've experienced this kind of culture clash myself within Germany: Growing up in East Germany and then moving to the west. Even Germans are raised differently depending on which region they're from. Here in the Berlin area you wouldn't be so "weird" and we (mostly) Germans would give our Kindergarten teachers a present at the end of every Kindergarten year and a very big present before leaving for school.

[@seankessner3657]

The school bag tradition in Germany dates back to 1810.The idea was to sweeten the children's way to school. There the children were told earlier that a school cone tree was growing in the teacher's house, and if the school bags were big enough, then it would be high time to start school. I also got a school bag from my Irish mother. Your children can be absolutely proud of their New Zealand mother, I know we Germans are very strict with a few things typically German. I have often experienced in Australia how relaxed and loving the teachers there deal with children. As I was in school in the first grade, we learned to come to school on time typical German and when you grow up and the school is over, then you notice the benefits of such a strict. Since I have lived a lot abroad, I have been very admired for this punctuality. We Germans are very by the book.i know it's hard to make friends in germany, but once you have a friendship with a german it will last a lifetime.I have friends I've known for over 30 years. Next year I will make my honeymoon with my brazilian wife next year to New Zealand. Lots of blessing to you and your Family.Sean

[@suveemi60]

I'm from Germany and my parents are too and my mum would give me presents for the teachers every times something endet :) Even if it was like a holiday camp we went to she would give us a basket to give to the persons who did this with us. So don't feel weird about it :) I like this way of thanking people and do it myself :)

[@jadomonell]

Hey! Ex-pat US-American here. I think that your Kindergarten is very high maintenance! We just finished the second year of Kindergarten and it's been way less work planning-wise. And about the present: the other moms were just amazed you had time to make a gift basket! And seriously, my (German) husband is obsessed with properly clothing our kids, oh my god, it drives me crazy! I am really lucky to have been here for so long that my "normal" German friends have become moms around the same time, but yeah, moms at the playground are SOOOO exclusive! We were in the States with the kids this year and the moms were so nice and they were always open for a conversation...I totally get you!

[@abcxyz-cx4mr]

Meg H - this is the first time I’ve come across a US-American referring to themself as US-American, most US-Americans just say American and many get irritated at being called US-American, hopefully this term will catch on as it’s more accurate and acknowledges America is a continent and not just the USA.

[@icke11234]

Dear Antoinette, you have my honest sympathies. I totally feel you and have gone through the same things although I'm not even a 'foreign' mom, so there you have it. I'm just a regular German and believe me, all this stuff, including the pesky paperwork and everything else, beginning from Kindergarten and still going forward, has been an utter drag often totally overtaxing me as a single mom as well. I don't think it is so much about being a German who is 'used to it' but rather about your life philosophy. I am the more casual type who just can't stand red tape and that doesn't necessarily make sending your child to public institutions any easier. So as the saying goes, all you can do is bear it with a grin.

[@PliuNoShi]

Am I a kiwi? I encourage my daughter walking Barefoot( when it's warm and not in the inner city (Berlin)) , let her decide what to wear (at its mostly too cold in my opinion, because she doesn't waer hat and scarf in winter and sometimes even decline a jacket - well, that she must take with her at least).

[@alexpossibilities3276]

Well I am a daycare teacher and I do get presents from my parents students in the end of the year or through Christmas or birthday I really enjoy it and I really liked it and it means so much to me so keep doing it because it’s great because it means that you honor the teacher and this is a good thing I think other parents Need to look after you and think about why did they didn’t anything..... Well it’s a good thing that the children do you have a own feeling for temperature and can decide themselves if they need Now a jacket it or or if they doesn’t. So stop thinking too much what other people may think just do your own thing you know it’s all right to be different there’s so many cultures living in Germany so many people from all over the place everybody’s doing something different and I think everybody can learn from each other and I know for sure that you take care of very good for your children so just be more free don’t let things bother you so just be yourself and let it be OK that things go different. There is no right and wrong.

[@wmf831]

If I had had kids I wouldn't have known about many of these things, as I myself have never been to Kindergarten as a child, so I don't know anything about it. Never heard that about the bare feet. We did that too as children. But then again, Ididn't grow up in the south. I always feel the south is completely different (I felt more at home in NYC). I grew up in NRW. Left there when I was 26, moved on to live in the States and then ended up in Bavaria. And I feel Bavaria is a "different world", and I am a german. The friends finding in Bavaria isn't only difficult for foreigners, also for Germans. Lived in Bavaria for the last 27 years. I do not have friends here. I still have my friends in NRW though, so I completely agree with you.

[@karinkuznik4421]

I grew up with an English mum, so I can relate to the things you are saying here. You seem to be a wonderful person, and once you found German friends, they will be reliable and last you forever. All the best for you and your family

[@misfithog5855]

I would imagine the more "formal" way we Germans dress kids is weird to kiwis. I live in NZ now and the first time I realised that not some random kids, but many kids run around barefeet for most of the year I was very surprised. Barefoot at school, even! - It's cool, but what about bee stings and broken bottles and hot freaking tar? I did not even like going barefoot as kid becuse I was terrified of bee stings. I think you did something really nice for your daughter's teachers. It's not common in Germany, bug they will have enjoyed it. I have to say, I am not sure if such a big basket is common in NZ either. Mg partner's mum is a primary school teacher and she usually comes home with a few chocolate bars or such at the end of the year, not things that look like giant gift baskets. Still, you should not feel self concious for doing somwthing nice! Don't worry whaf people think of your prrnting. I am sure you are doing great and youd daughter will profif from learning how things work in two cultures. ( little tip, though, if you don't know this yet: in primary school birthday kids bring some ittle treats for the whole class. Things like hard candy or mini chocolates are fine, you don't have to bake anything. I have a feeling this may be one of those things your husband just knows and forgets you don't.)

[@mollypolly424]

Absolutely agree, so many babies are overdressed and with what you say about making friends. I've been living here for 9 years and have had similar experiences.

[@peterdoe2617]

From what I've heard here, I think you're handling some things smarter than others. You shouldn't feel silly in those situations. The superior way of doing things does not derive from the fact that it's the german way or the american way or... The superior way is the most clever way, full stop. When I hear that your children decide this much about their clothing, beeing their age, I think they are ahead of the others. You should be proud! When I was a kid I so often catched a flu. It only stopped when I was about 15 and had my Mofa. When riding a bicycle, you're doing a workout. Keeping you warm, even sometimes making you sweat. On a Mofa, the engine does the work. You have to adjust your clothing. And I sometimes wore less clothing then I "had to wear" on the bicycle. But I was in charge of choosing my riding wear. And very soon, the number of flu attacs dropped to a minimum. You've showed them an option: walking barefoot instead of wearing shoes. And now they they decide, what makes them feel comfortable? How brilliant is that? The other kids obviously never got the chance to learn this. Just my 2 cents.

[@michaheinet7553]

You have to know that Franconia is one of the regions with the most reserved people in Germany. Even people from other parts of Germany would it find it hard to become a part of the ,,community“...