Medieval II: Total War - All assassinations (PC)

[@Elydir]

Imagine how weird it must be to wake up in the morning and find a dead assassin lying next to your bed

[@JohnDoe-on6ru]

Then you claim credit for the kill

[@kurzykziomal2378]

Juliusz Słowacki - "Kordian"

[@ericward8459]

"Oh!... Welp, better him than me."

[@flaggy185]

"wow, my bodyguard Is really good!...was that a snake?"

[@ukaszbiaek6641]

@@kurzykziomal2378 ah man of culture

[@SlagLPs]

I love how this guy is just the most obvious assassin ever. He sneaks around full covored in suspicious clothes in broaddaylight, just while having his knife in his hand the whole time.

[@RocketHarry865]

more obvious than altair

[@alduintheanti-dragonborn]

Adam Baker Don't worry, he should be completely invisible if he holds his hands together and keep his head down. No one would question that.

[@zatoonhd1683]

Or if he sits on a bench

[@florians9949]

Skyrim players when they are level 100 at sneak.

[@Webexplr]

@@florians9949 and archery

[@turmuthoer]

I always hated that one peasant woman who kept giving my assassins away...

[@tujek3909]

They are both dead anyway.

[@boejidenthepotato8930]

right?kill her first instead.snitch bitch

[@JonatasAdoM]

Don't forget that *cursed rat!* That should become an ancillary of the general at this point. We have a rat and a snitch. Can't have people follow the code in these Medieval days anymore.

[@lucasquintanilla1673]

Too bad you can’t send assassins after her

[@mikedeck8381]

Yep you should've been able to kill that peasant woman.

[@CharlieHiggins420]

Guard 1: Hey. What day is it today? Guard 2: Well that hooded bastard is at it again. Guard 1: Must be Tuesday then.

[@Rory-ruaidhri]

"That hooded bastard" 🤣

[@lordofdarkdudes]

Those two guards seam really over worked, they are the only ones in the entier world who chase down assassins

[@mynamejeb8743]

they are Templars..

[@reidf8506]

Must be Holmes and Watson

[@kingmuddy5898]

Either they're the best guards or the worst guards

[@harryguidotti3815]

It's like the assassin and those guards are the mix of expendable and invincible. Like in a cartoon where a cop comedically chases the same robber each time

[@Ahaaka1]

and chasing someone with that full plate armor? they are very dedicated

[@DaSticksanStonesClub]

You can almost hear the knights saying "stop right there criminal scum!"

[@straussenberg286]

Yup, and you can almost hear ,,I use to be assasin like you, but I took an arrow to the knee...''

[@k.lalhmingsanga4262]

DaSticksanStonesClub "You've violated my mother"

[@kapitan19969838]

Let's get to bashing butts!

[@soapek7949]

kapitan19969838 as well as deez nutz.

[@dolfyhilter577]

Report to the ship as soon as possible. We'll bang ok?

[@NewGuy2534]

Noble wakes up and sees the dead assassin and snake. Noble: Huh. That’s new.

[@Naraku-no-Hana-WE]

What do you mean new? It's probably the third time that's happened that turn.

[@JamaicanCastle]

@@Naraku-no-Hana-WE "Oh bugger, it's this again. Well, better call the housekeeper..."

[@lordakka8906]

7:04 >Tries killing the pope >only has two people sent after you

[@danieldolenc5955]

Jajajajajajaja i can´t stop laughing

[@naboost9485]

those are the only two spy chasers

[@count487]

He has the Papal tiara

[@chinojosa4563]

Everyone had split up into twos.

[@JamaicanCastle]

You want to keep some of the guys with the Pope, in case there's a backup assassin.

[@newironage4438]

Can’t help but notice that every time the assassin is chased away that two guards in plate armor,, one with a halberd and one with a sword, are the ones to do it, no one else is around apparently

[@assassin5325]

Yea, always that two B*STARDS Chases Me when I GET SPOTTED!

[@parasitegame3062]

Their name is Simon and Karl , The Royal Gaurdsmen

[@hebanker3372]

It's like a tradition. Guard commander:Holy Mother!They tried to kill the Bishop!All the guards on the pursue!(sees the assassin)Ah it's him,alright you two,you know how it goes,go catch him.

[@Killzoneguy117]

I like to think that they're the same two guards chasing the same assassin in every video. Like they're just guarding some dude, and they see the assassin, "Goddamn it, looks like Carl is at it again. Get back here you little shit!"

[@jackwilliams1039]

Also Carl just revives every assassination attempt too

[@historytank5673]

I love how in some of these, you can tell if the assasin is going to succead or fail or die but the way he holds his knife or wepon subtle forshadowings

[@timesnewlogan2032]

There’s also a droning if he’ll succeed at the knife throw.

[@JonatasAdoM]

@@timesnewlogan2032 Little snippets in every single one of them yes. Same with the spy, the camera angle is different depending if he's going to die.

[@thetzar2573]

You can tell if he's going to die if the assassin's name is the one at the top of the video.

[@uruburus5203]

2:41 SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME

[@КартоховыйРыцарь]

Give this guy brains.

[@huseyinkilinc5915]

the door hits his own dagger. he stab himself accidentally

[@soganhalkasdelisiyim5797]

.

[@archerfisher111]

Nice! Did he stab his own balls accidentally? 😅

[@izaktaylor4246]

HE AIN’T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHeEeEED..

[@gustavoargumanis1863]

How to be a medieval assassin. Expectation: Assassin's Creed. Reality: this (specially the fails)

[@WarbossR0kt00fSant0s]

I was thinking more like Spy vs Spy because of the mixed results.

[@Tayvin4042]

2:41 top level assassin, has over a dozen kills under his belt, then dies like this.

[@nickpapadopoulos9978]

Hahahahahaha🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@GuySamaQueerComedy]

Who holds knives pointing at themselves behind a door

[@OfficialBulldozerStudios]

If that isn't a not-so-subtle reference to the old phrase "Impaled Upon Your Own Sword", I don't know what is.

[@timesnewlogan2032]

3:45 "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "Yes, my son?" "I killed a man at Confession." *STAB*

[@boxtank5288]

TimesNewLogan That is so good!

[@maksymalnybul6145]

This is what we could see if Hollywood would make movie about this

[@strategossable1366]

Stanislaus Augustus Poniatovsky Ever watched "in bruges"?

[@maksymalnybul6145]

Did I guess? xD

[@Алла-р6с]

Father - When ? Killer - Now . Actually It's looked like this "I killed a man at Confession." "Holy Shit."

[@aleaiactaest6503]

The guy with the halberd and the guy with the sword have more personality than any Ubisoft character

[@JarvoD]

💯

[@omniburrito]

Assassin: *stalks person, knife drawn and breathing loudly in broad daylight* Random Woman: *screams* Those two guards *Randomly appears around the nearest corner, and starts chasing*

[@parasitegame3062]

7:00 Pope : PHEW, thanks Jesus ,that was a close one

[@robotictoast65]

Jesus: No prob fam

[@rockandroll_]

Jesus is on my side 😎

[@Ralle-kv8rm]

I destroyed once the Mongol Empire with the assassin. I killed everyone in the family and when I killed the last king, the entire kingdom collapsed.

[@Walter-zn6pw]

it's either besieged them in their city, or kill all of the royal family. Winning a battle is impossible, or costly at least

[@shadowwarriorshockwave3281]

Yeah like your assasain would be successful that many times in a row I had a max out guy and on,y got another 13 stabbed stabs before he got caught

[@Mailed-Knight]

@@shadowwarriorshockwave3281 I had an assassin who succeeded every time when I first played. It wasn't until I hired a second assassin that I found out spies and assassins could fail.

[@pardalmadgod9960]

Reminds me of a story an old friend told me "ow my assasin killed over 20 popes i have him parked where they spawn." Yea i can do that too if i keep reloading my save, assasins dont last long, had assasins fail when they had a very small chance of failing.

[@nothet]

That’s not how that works

[@tujek3909]

Theese two guards could be a perfect main characters for a movie or an entire series. Two guards have to stop the villan from assasinating important personas, and there are episodes in different cities, and they collaborate with middle eastern equiwalents of them.

[@LilyKittyCatto]

it would be a great comedy

[@LesangdesdieuX]

And they fail most of the times apparently xD

[@ssimpson3288]

I wish they still had assassination cutscenes in Total War games. I don't understand why they took them out.

[@ssimpson3288]

Shogun 2 was the last game with those type of cutscenes. From Rome 2 onward they haven't had assassination, spying, or any other type of cutscene except for introductory stuff.

[@nickolaospappas4485]

S Simpson Well Rome 2 already has this fps problem even on beast computers.Imagine now a cutscene added for the assassinations,spying e.t.c.The fps will prob fall to 1.

[@НурсултанТалгатулы-ф6м]

They did those games with love before, bow only commercial

[@roguishpaladin]

They probably didn't see commissioning pre-rendered cutscenes as a worthy expenditure of resources anymore. It's very little bang for a decent chunk of money (especially to do it to modern standards).

[@jasperzanovich2504]

You watch them exactly once and afterwards you just skip them to the outcome.

[@Werbespanner]

I wish there had been animations in Rome 2...

[@user-ud7du2pb4v]

yeah that would be cool

[@metsko2318]

it would breal your immersion because lets be honest these animations are silly

[@metsko2318]

@@Manny444a i didn't say the're not funny but yeah you're right.

[@yungsouichi2317]

@@Manny444a you guys are still bitching about this non-issue?

[@robosoldier11]

Yep just CA cutting cost at every way they can. CA of old was a lot more appreciative of these attribute of gaming.

[@FiendMatadorSlayerOfNoobs]

2:40 Imagine being so annoyed by the day's events that you accidentaly assassinate your would-be-assassin.

[@SYMBI05IS]

I love how they just chase the criminal in full heavy armor and they're the only knights in the world encountering assassin's on a daily basis. Those guys deserve a Promotion and Raise

[@pretzelbomb6105]

Randy Ming and Hal Berdstein, the most in-demand body guards from Inverness to Jerusalem! They’ll patrol the city streets with keen eyes watching for suspicious barrels, keep the country roads clear of unlawful masonry projects, and stand watch in nigh-empty chapels just in case someone tries to stab the priest. Whether it’s a cowled man in an alley, some guy rooting through the armory tent, or a suspicious bush, they will stab it all the same. As a bonus, they’re also highly skilled in the relocation of coral snakes and moderately capable joggers!

[@TheCerealkiller148]

6:13 "Holy crap!"

[@LiezAllLiez]

Yeah the voices are just muffled speech. I havent payed much attention to them but "holy crap" is the most obvious one.

[@simonepapasidero9741]

how da faq did you catched that hahahahahahhahaa

[@brwhizz3060]

Sounds like ‘What was that?!’ to me.

[@ElvenMetalhead]

No mattere what civilisation you play, it's always two Venetian Halberds guards chasing you haha There are more fails thatn the ones shown here though..

[@rubie8410]

Ashwin Sandanakrishnan shhhh, dont expose the Venetian halberdier world order

[@apunahasapeemapetilon4398]

Arent those guards heavy billmen?

[@Captain_Sanders]

@@apunahasapeemapetilon4398 nope hailberd milita

[@camulodunon]

​@@Captain_Sandershalberd militia are normally unarmored

[@MrPathorn]

0:30 if he brought a knife he would not fail lol.

[@timesnewlogan2032]

I always wondered why he couldn't just do that.

[@alexanderthegreat445]

I think it’s to make it look like an accident.

[@timesnewlogan2032]

I dunno, it starts to look suspicious when the entire English royal family dies from snake bites in their sleep.

[@maksymalnybul6145]

He could still braise him

[@samuraijackoff5354]

TimesNewLogan This was days long past, they’d probably think it was god punishing them or the devil forgot to zip up his pants.

[@aeureus]

2:40 I'm crying after that missed 80% chance kill

[@foretcl]

The most painfull one is missing and 95% one and also get executed

[@Djk_Dodo]

95%💀

[@aleo2022]

5:48 Nutshot!!

[@ilonasapel3072]

guards: OI GET BACK HERE

[@jerichamesclammay3107]

3:50 assassin: forgive me, father. For I have sinned. priest: continue, my child. assassin: I did THIS!

[@AxenfonKlatismrek]

When you think about it, its a good plan to assassinate the priest, but what makes this worse is that this game is set in dark ages, when a person strikes at priest, hes condemned by everyone, social ranks dont matter

[@GnosisZX]

@@AxenfonKlatismrek he is a killer has no social ranks so it doesn’t matter of course if knights trace it to who ever hired him that guy is fucked

[@lyonvensa]

It's funny that even when a man tried to take someone's life, misfortune as random as disobedient snake and accidentally stabbing yourself can still happen.

[@Tartaro-mq3uj]

Those Guards are every where

[@darkhorseman90]

Assassin: *on the toilet* Guards: *burst in* HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! Assassin: oh come on!

[@bakersbread104]

the pope looks so smug when it goes through his hat "im with god bitch, cant hurt me"

[@risepanda_G_G]

That woman has fully 100% developed counter-spy skill

[@RocketHarry865]

There should be a Pope assassination critical fail where the assassin trips and falls. Add to insult when he lands a nearby priest kicks him the nuts

[@alduintheanti-dragonborn]

Adam Baker Something like what happened in Shogun 2? I completely agree.

[@robertharris6092]

Why the pope specificaly?

[@alduintheanti-dragonborn]

@@robertharris6092 Because his assassination scene has the assassin on a high ledge. Other than that, no reason I guess.

[@SergeantPsycho]

I wonder if you can be that guy in Kingdom Come: Deliverence

[@dolfyhilter577]

SergeantPsycho nope you can't

[@trygveplaustrum4634]

My computer lagged a ton when I played this about a decade ago, so I never got to see any of these. Glad I can see them now.

[@hermannmeier9405]

You just have to admire the sheer number a animations they came up with for spies and assassins.0

[@hochmeisterulrichoffrankfu8207]

7:20 The assassination of JFK, alternative angle

[@matiasmattera6650]

Child: -Mom! I want Assassin's Creed! Mom: -We have Assassin's Creed at home. Assassin's Creed at home:

[@ericward8459]

I can't help but hear the Benny Hill theme music start playing when the guards start chasing him. LMAO

[@AngryHistorian87]

😂😂😂😂😂

[@johnblack7453]

The life of an assassin is hard :))

[@jarogniewtheconqueror2804]

John Black, the life of those two guards is hard, they are the only ones bothering to chase the assassin everywhere he goes in that full plate armour.

[@charleskimball7058]

You might say work is murder for an assassin.

[@poceaionut2423]

The legend says the guards are still chasing the assassin

[@Крэйден_х]

1:09 Ah yes, the random medieval pesant screaming ARRRRRRGH woman! I LOVE HER!

[@grim4891]

One assassin, two gards ,some vitctem, one city lady, we can make a cartton out of this

[@Revkor]

be funny ifthe snake fail for the bite assisn the assasin fails into the firepalce causing a fire and still kills the target.

[@tptallen4498]

Revkor It would be funny if you could actually pull off a complete sentence without looking like a complete idiot.

[@lynarisevershadeshadowfall1684]

Triggered much TP?:3

[@tptallen4498]

Lynaris Evershade Shadowfall Unfortunately I did not get triggered at this comment. And if you had the brain of someone older than 10 you wouldve understood that I had made a joke.

[@lynarisevershadeshadowfall1684]

Ah uh someone's triggered. :3

[@lynarisevershadeshadowfall1684]

Bad joke? If that's even "trying" to make a joke, not sure how you can fail that hard.....

[@jambalaya201]

2:00 definetely how the fire of London started

[@Mr.Pallanza]

That knife throwing one is the most hilarious one. The assassin is doing it in broad daylight, and I just love how he gets caught doing it.

[@michaelweston409]

3:05 was just the most blood curling scream 😱

[@purple_menace6604]

I love how Voulge man and Sword man are vastly more effective bodyguards when they're skulking around themselves or following their protectee from a long distance.

[@vguyver2]

That first one made me choke on my food.

[@LilyKittyCatto]

i freaking love how he tries to point the snake in the direction he wants it to go 😹

[@HayabusaCrimsonShadow]

"Go over there! Goddamn you're so stupid"

[@napoleoncomplex2712]

@@HayabusaCrimsonShadow Meanwhile the snake's thinking 'one of us is certainly stupid. Now, where's that tasty rat?'

[@C0NSTANTINUS]

Why is the guy in the red always getting assassinated

[@jacobbennett7219]

Well it was his fault the red shirts always die

[@assassin5325]

Let's Confirm it then

[@nghile3726]

Mr_Washington That guy got the right idea, he wears a brown pants.

[@maksymalnybul6145]

Said Washington

[@aklok_cz]

0:22 One of my favourite scenes.

[@milanvondrich9749]

6:55 I remember when I first saw this as a kid. Completly lost my shit, so much in fact I started crying from laughter. It's not even that funny, it's just totally unexpected. From on then I always watched those animations.

[@donterrenoalto4235]

Lmao

[@arbiters487]

0:14 this was the fate of the first 5 guys I hired No capes, no snakes

[@hunterthefirstslayerv.2769]

I can't seem to stop laughing at the failed snake assassinations. Edit: Almost every fail was funny.

[@99mrpogi]

I wonder why he was never bitten by his own snake... unless he is wearing something to protect himself from getting his skin penetrated by the snake's fangs

[@miniatureben3558]

@@99mrpogi I see you everywhere

[@hbadger2796]

1:42 you can hear him mumble "god damn"

[@Loki-Doki]

I always assassinate my allies's princess king or anyone I can get my hands on. But the cool thing is they never suspect me

[@LiezAllLiez]

Up until the moment when your assassin critically fails and they get a pop up it was you - instant war.

[@stephenealferez5226]

Hides in barell *Sneak 100*

[@АртемИванов-б9ъ4б]

2:41 the weirdest death possible

[@sushimuncher282]

Imagine being an underpaid pair of knights that chases an assassin throughout four different centuries. What a bizarre adventure.

[@MrJedroi258]

1:12 that knight run gives me major Shrek vibes

[@stormbear3816]

why i never get most of these?like the priest ones?if i kill a priest it's always just a sleeping guy with snake.none of this church ones

[@NerdExtrodinare]

I had a lot of the barrel assassinations when I was Scotland, it became a joke with my friend "Where are those barrels from...?"

[@hunbunfun132]

The cathedral one is if you try to kill the pope

[@kennandunn7533]

the church ones only occur if the priest in in a town with a church.

[@itsBepizz]

Assassin creed in a nutshell

[@ODST_Parker]

We need a buddy cop series about these two knights who chase a clumsy assassin across all of medieval Europe.

[@roubinnick]

7:23 POV: You are my Byzantine assassin, killing the Pope for the 34th time this year

[@TheDolphinTuna]

Weird, I've never seen any of the priest ones. Do they only happen in cities?

[@zie1145]

TheDolphinTuna maybe it only happens when you trie to assassinate priests or the pope if possible I've never done it

[@felafnirelek8987]

Only when you send assassins after the pope. Like I did with my British run

[@TheDolphinTuna]

I'm talking priests like 3:22. Pope is 6:52 I think.

[@PeruvianPotato]

The priest ones only appear if a priest/cardinal is in a church in a city/town

[@silentecho92able]

Just wanna point out you can get a rare and hard too get assassination like this with a 6:01 but the character is a princess if she's in a settlement.

[@xrfiltration9188]

lmao maybe is that girl

[@krustygaming5887]

I’d like to imagine that the two chasing guards are the same people and it’s like a tv bit having to chase assassins around.

[@paddotk]

3:48 "Forgive me father, for I'm about to sin"

[@clem8818]

That would be a cool pun to say

[@legionnaire4336]

5:48 I think we all know where he got hit Xd

[@sotiriospeithis6659]

The time and effort that went into carefully crafting the dialogue for the guards is humbling. So much is said is so few words. Shakespeare would be proud.

[@OrthoJihadi]

With as many times as those two knights loose a charge.... I think they would have been fired....

[@99mrpogi]

It seems that there are always two pairs replacing the previous ones..

[@adolfibnmullah6375]

I remember playing this game and always laughing while 2 guards in 100 kilo armoured plates are running as fast as assasin

[@elkhaqelfida5972]

a cutscene like this is what give us better immersion with the game. sadly they didn't include it anymore

[@link670]

I'd kill for a buddy cop drama with those two guards constantly stumbling on the world's most conspicuous assassin.

[@kamlando3089]

There's one that you missed but is almost impossible to get to do, princess in a settlement. She rides a horse and your assassin throws a knife to kill her on the horse.

[@quetzaltecaskype8994]

You are missing a lot of animations where he gets away or is killed. The spy animations are also cool. Ps. I personally love the animations. A lot of dedication and extra detail was put into Mediaval Total War II. Wish they did more games like it.

[@misternewoutlook5437]

Yes! I was looking for a comment that might mention this and I didn't want to parrot. Not glaringly obvious.

[@thatguy4084]

I also think that they change the model for the bed if you try to assassinate a princess

[@thatguy4084]

0:11 sounds more like he’s going to douse him with gasoline than kill him with venom

[@JonatasMonte]

I guess someone paid the snake more than I'm paying the assassin.

[@RRRRRRRRR33]

Back when CA was a decent developer

[@legomunable]

They still are half of the time.

[@metsko2318]

Gaurds: "There he is again, get that rascal!!" who else but the assasin

[@bardkaitiff1962]

7:30 - I like how guard in last row recreates "must have been the wind" meme

[@negativezero8174]

It's always the same two guards, one has a halberd and the other has a sword.

[@cheesebandit6148]

I feel like the two guards that always chase the assassin and him all know each other by name lmao

[@mercifulmoff]

Dude those fucking guards must have serious cardio regiments to be able to keep up with the assassin on foot in full plate.

[@boplax123]

Still the best Total War game I've ever played, and one of the best RTS games ever.

[@cinnabarmanx4214]

Man, those guards and that assassin are like mortal enemies.

[@ryanriller7358]

If Total War ever create a remake of this game they can add a movie were the assassin with a blow dart hiding in the barrel were he's about blow the dart out but he accidentally inhales sucking the poison dart into his throat killing himself.

[@nocx4592]

2:44 .... Really?!

[@solinvictus4367]

Why your mom told you to never play with knives

[@MTerrence]

6:59 I'm not sure if this was an error or just very clever research - while Latin and Oriental Catholics, Oriental Orthodox and some Protestants today make the Sign of the Cross from left to right (as opposed to Byzantine Rite Catholics as well as the Greek and Russian Orthodox, who go right to left), in the days of old it is believed that right to left was universally preferred. It is said to be Pope Innocent III (r. 1198-1216) who changed the sequence in the West to that currently performed. So for about the first 60 turns of the campaign, this video is right, and for the remainder, it is an error!

[@rayanderson5797]

What I've learned from the first minute of this video is that snakes are a really unreliable method of assassination. What you gain in plausible deniability, you lose in sheer lack of control.

[@Rick-qw7ed]

I don’t think I’ve ever had the assassination with the snake work. It’s always the fucking rat that runs out of nowhere and the snake following it

[@bigbake132]

"Great shot kid that was one in a million!" For the Pope assassination at the end

[@sovietdeathstroke6713]

I like how when the snake chases the rat, the Assassin is ordering it like its his dog

[@kasem7431]

Oh man I completely forgot about these. I miss them so much ):

[@SmokeyBCN]

7:27 this was always so satisfying. Finally getting rid of that dastardly pope so that the next one can let you keep invading your neighbours for a while.

[@jodyrussell4969]

Killing a man of God in the house of God, that's low.

[@SuperObamaladen]

Jody Russell i wouldn't be surprised if those "mans of god" weren't power hungry atheists

[@Hwje1111]

Osama Bin Laden *men

[@changelingman9687]

I like to think that the assassin and those two guards just keep running into each other. Just like "Aw shit you again!" XD