Mentalizing: A Way of Overcoming Rejection Sensitivity

By developing your ability to "get" where you or other people are coming from (also called mentalizing), you are taking an important step toward developing compassionate self-awareness. This skill can help you to overcome your sensitivity to rejection. Learn more by reading Bouncing Back from Rejection: Build the Resilience You Need to Get Back Up When Life Knocks You Down.
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Making change through compassionate self-awareness

[@noneofyourbusiness4616]

I have never had a romantic relationship due to this problem and I am turning 50 next month. I won't say it has "ruined my life" but it has been very hard to endure this suffering.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

This problem has clearly had a profound impact on your life. Hopefully this video can be at least a small part of you finding a new way forward. Also, learning to develop compassionate self-awareness might help you; and you can learn more about it on my website: drbecker-phelps.com/home/csa/

[@nataliaturner4845]

wow that sounds so painful 😥 i hope things get better for you 💖

[@joeblowjohndoe206]

It sounds simple, but I've dealt with it for years. Force yourself to face rejection. It's actually harder to get rejected than to get accepted. Most people don't want to reject you. Do it over and over and over. The fear will die out. You will go numb to it. When you lean into rejection and own who you are, you will find that the world isn't as scary as you make it in your head. Remember. The first rejection is always the hardest. It gets easier from there. Not everyone in the world will like and accept you, and thats ok. Its the same for everyone. When interacting with people always guide the conversation back to them. Ask questions. Be interested. You will be popular before you know it.

[@Inprogress_of_newbeginings]

❤

[@Simplesimple123]

@@joeblowjohndoe206 thank you for this reassuring message. I'm trying to be brave and face the situations that make me feel terrified and my body gripped physically by emotions. My first instinct is to avoid. But I so desperately want to heal abandonment and rejection sensitivity. I'm so drained from it. There is a fear of the fear , but I'm going to do what you suggested. Keep facing and forcing myself into those scary situations and it will die out hopefully. I have started to say to myself now when my body feels it intensly , awful fear vibrating in my body and pain thst goes with that, "what is this trying to say to me " I'm trying to embrace it and feel it and get curious , then call on my inner child and give them a hug. Your message was a nice reminder to keep going . Thank you. I even screen shot it as a reminder x

[@goldegreen]

Pretty much the only video on this topic that doesn't have "ADHD" in the title. I don't watch those because I don't have that disorder despite experiencing this very real problem, and it's affecting my life severely. Realistically I could probably watch those videos while disregarding the parts that don't apply to me, but thanks to this rejection sensitivity I would feel like an imposter and like there's a target on my back just by watching. Ironic.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I'm glad that this video speaks to you -- and hopefully does not leave you with feeling like you have a target on your back.

[@jjmaster0113pro]

Yh I'm the same. I don't have adhd but I have been suffering from this rejection sensitive dysphoria. I have been diagnosed with dyspraxia though

[@siiiriously3226]

might wanna look into the symtomps of cptsd...

[@goldegreen]

@@siiiriously3226 I have considered that, but I don't think I've experienced anything severe enough to fall under that.

[@siiiriously3226]

@@goldegreen I would recommend looking deeper into attachment trauma based cptsd, cause I've been researching this for years now and most nervous system experts say that parental-non-attunement can lead to cptsd even without having had openly unloving or abusive parents. what is societally accepted as "normal good enough " parenting is actually not, when you look at the development of nervous systems in children or mammals in general, really. if you don't look at it in a pathological sense, like psychiatry would evaluate it, human mammals are born without the ability to regulate our own nervous systems. so when kids are stressed their nervous systems get overwhelmed and they are in need of a caregiver who is themselves capable of regulating their own ns first, to then coregulate the childs one. seriously, after researching my own healing I've come to the conclusion that most adults are not very capable of regulating themselves, physiologically.😬it's a rabbit hole, really. anyway, don't take my word for it, but really, I think EVERYONE with any psychological and most physiological issues should be learning about the nervous system and poly vagal theory. it was the single best thing, the most helpful for my pretty severe cptsd after trying years of all sorts of regular speech therapy. Irene Lyon is on yt and has great content, Peter Levine is brilliant, although Kathy Kain is more focused on attachment injury and Peter is more the expert on shock trauma (singular extreme events) but basically that's what it is, imo, rejection sensitivity: lack of skill to reregulate your physiology after perceived rejection, and cause most of us never learned it in the first place.

[@hollisullivan102]

I had to stop the video at the part of not getting asked to lunch. Couldn’t even stand to listen.... I think I have this.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I'm sorry that you struggle so powerfully with this. Please know that people who have this difficulty can, and do, heal and grow. I hope that after stepping away, you can return to this video, or maybe other ones from the Bouncing Back from Rejection playlist. If the self-help materials are too difficult to read or watch, or they don't help enough, you might consider therapy to help you.

[@suchanhachan]

I apologize if this comment is out of left field, but back in the 80's I went on a college summer program to study in France, and I wonder if you were in the same program. I sometimes find myself randomly travelling down Memory Lane, and even though the view is hazy you do seem familiar. But of course more importantly, whether that was you or not, from the content of this video you are obviously doing important work and I'm sure helping many people, and that's pretty awesome...

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Ha! I did study in France in a summer program back then -- and one person on the trip was Steve. I'm guessing that was you?! Wow. You do have a good memory. I hope you are well. And thank you for your kind words about my work.

[@suchanhachan]

@@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD Yes, that was definitely me. It's good to know that at least the memory parts of my brain are still functioning after all these years...And please don't thank me. You should be thanked for the positive work you do. In this world, where so many try to succeed by exploiting people and/or our resources, it's good to be reminded that there are people out there who view success in terms of helping people and promoting well-being...Take care, and I hope that 2020 and beyond will bring you only good fortune and continued success...

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

@@suchanhachan Part of what keeps me going in this work is to know that I am reaching AND helping people. So, it helps me when I get feedback that I am effectively doing that. Thus the thank you 😊

[@rosemaryrycroft4445]

1a

[@rosemaryrycroft4445]

Áaáaá

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

Usually I've found I direct my anger outwards at my attackers when rejected. I don't say anything, but I usually curse them under my breath and shake with anger. I will cut ties if necessary.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Interesting that you can recognize this in yourself. If you haven't already done so, you might want to reflect more on how it affects you and your relationships, and whether you want to continue responding to rejection in this way.

[@AlastorTheNPDemon]

@@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD I've been working on it in a sort of left-field way - by acknowledging what my limbic system is doing and separating it from my decision making. It's sort of procedural and can come off as unnatural, but I've found that generally sharing my thoughts BEFORE any rejection comes usually softens the blow thanks to the confidence boost.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

@@AlastorTheNPDemon When people try to change, it usually feels awkward and unnatural. That's ok. It's part of the process. If you get upset with yourself not making progress quickly enough, you might find it helpful to look at my material on compassionate self-awareness: drbecker-phelps.com/home/csa/

[@sohailkhan1651]

Great research.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Thank you.

[@karlr2908]

Meditation really is the key to everything

[@edgreen8140]

Feel hurt but did they really avoid you. I'm using a cognitive approach. This happens to me but i must test it.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I hope the cognitive approach you are using helps. It might also help to develop compassionate self-awareness, to learn to understand and view your struggle with compassion. To learn more about this, check out my Compassionate Self-Awareness website page: drbecker-phelps.com/home/csa/

[@cenk_tuna]

Thank you

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

You're welcome :)

[@Zeverinsen]

Man, I ran away from delivering a paper because of this problem, and now I fucked up my exam. Great! 🙃

[@Mitra7981]

I faced with this problem but I'm still rejecting. I'm in 30 age I think I will never try any relationship

[@KK-gi3wt]

You give advice and my question do you suffer from it?

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I give advice based on research in the area and experience working with people who struggle with it. That said, I believe everyone has had to struggle at some point with feelings of rejection, even if they are not particularly sensitive to it.

[@autumngrace8541]

I don't appreciate the narcissistic videos that call rejection sensitivity a dysphoria when rejection was real and obvious.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I'm not exactly sure if you are referring specifically to this video, but I agree with you that rejection is a real thing. That said, some people are more sensitive to rejection than others. This can mean that rejection tends to hurt them more deeply than others. They experience rejection with a small r (e.g. friend does not want to go out to eat with them one particular night) as rejection with a capitol R (e.g. friend says they are a horrible person and they never want to talk with them again). Or, the sensitivity can mean that they feel rejected even when the other person is not intending to be rejecting (e.g. a friend who is generally reliable misses their dinner date because a work crisis delayed them and then they got caught in traffic). Rejection is real. Whatever the circumstances, the feeling of rejection is also real. Still, people have differing levels of sensitivity to it. I hope this clarifies what I am trying to express when I talk about rejection sensitivity. I talk with people about this because to be able to identify a struggle (in this case rejection-sensitivity) provides the opportunity for people to begin working to overcome it.

[@autumngrace8541]

@@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD I think I suffer from both. Unfortunately had narcissistic parents that created an environment that makes it difficult to know where I begin and end from them, let alone the favoritism to golden child. I also think I have ADHD and have always been very sensitive. 3rd grade teacher in the 70's, she made fun of me in front of class, then washed my mouth out in the classroom sink, if I didn't submit to her first. If she found out I said shut up out of defense of self to another, if the student told her before I came to her to admit I said it, she would wash my mouth out of palmolive and scope, in front of class, so she was encouraging students to pick on me. I can't help to not feel that way. My second marriage, he told me, you think everyone is against you, but yet he created an incident that was difficult to deny. The sensitivity I have feels overwhelming. I am 53 and never got diagnosed with ADHD from a PhD., but have many qualities that match. It is difficult because I was born without a thyroid. It didn't develop in womb, took a year to go into a convulsion that they found my disfunction. So my baby brain didn't have the hormones. I spoke later than most, I was about 3.5 years. Now 2019 I had cancer, had full hysterectomy: ovaries and all!! Thank you for taking the time with me. I wish I knew where to get the help I need. Do you know any doctors in the Northern part of Utah?

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

@@autumngrace8541 You have been through so much! There are many ways to find a therapist. If you have a friend who is in therapy with a therapist they find helpful, you might ask for that person's name. Your doctor may be able to refer you to a therapist. The UT psychological has a "Find a Psychologist" resource: www.utpsych.org/directory. The American Psychological Association also has a psychologist finder. You might check your insurance for referrals to therapists in your network of providers. What is most important is that you find a therapist you "click" with and who you respect, someone you believe can help you. This is essential to getting the help you want. So, take time in talking with potential therapists on the phone -- most will take a little to talk with you. If you start meeting with someone and are unsure about the fit, talk with them about it. It is a therapist's job to figure out how they can best work with you, or refer you to someone who might be a better fit. This is not an easy process, but keep trying. You deserve to feel at home within yourself, to feel a sense of emotional well-being.

[@autumngrace8541]

@@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD finding a therapist that has understanding of narcissism and Complex PTSD. Thank you for your resources. You are a very caring person to take this time with me, much appreciated!

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

@@autumngrace8541 You're welcome. I just hope that I am of help to you. I encourage you to keep trying, keep working on yourself and keep looking for a therapist until you find one who is a good fit for you.

[@galifan]

Sad over being rejected? It's all in your head, they weren't actually rejecting you! They were actually inviting you to lunch and you were just too scared to say yes! What if they didn't actually invite me to lunch? This video assumes that social rejects don't actually exist, or rather that if they do exist it's not because others reject them but because they're too mentally ill to feel accepted.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I'm sorry that this video gave you the message that rejection is all in your head. Just like you, I don't believe that -- and did not intend to say that. What I do believe and want to convey is this: Some people are so sensitive to rejection that they sometimes read it into situations where it does not exist, or they feel a sense of rejection that appears outsized to the situation, or have difficulty bouncing back from rejection when it does happen. People who struggle with this issues and want to feel less afraid and overwhelmed by rejection can nurture a stronger sense of well-being and resilience.

[@mng519]

There was this beautiful girl that everyone loved back in the day. She told a friend of mine to make sure he tells me that I creep her out. Then not long after that it was reported back to me from my cousin that this other girl thought there was something "weird" about me. And then there was this other girl I was interested in at one point that told me that she thought I was weird when she first met me, but not anymore did she think that. I found out later in my 30s that I was on the autism spectrum. It explains a lot. Something about that makes me come across as weird I'm guessing. I am extremely sensitive and this bothered me very badly for decades after first hearing the news about how these girls perceived me. I was 28 then and I am now 51 and still single. I never tried getting into relationships at all in my life because I always had insecurities about rejection. My life was a perfect storm of tearing down and not much building up going on. This sadness that has stemmed from the harsh rejection that occurred when I was 28 has broken my heart and given me actual heart problems. I struggle all the time with this deep sadness about feeling like no one is ever going to love me. I cry all the time about it. I guess it's good I can cry and release emotion about it. I read all the time about how to overcome this, but feel like nothing really helps.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I am truly sorry for you difficulties and deep sadness. It sounds like these people were sensing something that they did not understand, and sadly, that led to you feeling rejected. It can help to read about struggles to understand them, but that does not necessarily lead to healing. You may want to consider going to therapy with a therapist who has experience working with people on the spectrum. But however you choose to work on this, I hope you don't give up.

[@meiketorkelson4437]

I'm also a late autism diagnosis. Your story's sadly relatable ❤

[@alissaramirez5857]

I have been dealing with rejection my entire life. I am ultra sensitive to rejection. Currently, I am doing self work and have been since covid hit the US.. I can finally recognize this in my self. But I get stuck in that feeling of rejection for several hours, even days. I meditate every morning, go for runs, and journal before I start my day. I feel great after doing all of the above but once that feeling of rejection comes on I find it hard to get back to the feeling of being okay.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Feelings of rejection can definitely be overpowering. But it sounds like your work on the issue is helping. You may find it helpful to look at more of my videos, read the compassionate self-awareness page on my website (drbecker-phelps.com/home/csa/), and read my book Bouncing Back from Rejection (feel free to take it out from your local library). Keep up the good work!

[@js9430]

This sounds a lot like victim blaming. If someone comes up to you and makes a derogatory statement about you to your face and you feel hurt, this is just your fault for being "too sensitive?" Please.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I agree with you that there is a serious problem in this situation with the other person's actions, which are hurtful. However, there are also people who struggle with being particularly sensitive to rejection. Some read rejection into benign situations -- as in when someone immediately assumes they are being rejected when a good friend is late in meeting up. Or, some people have over-sized reactions to rejections -- as in when someone feels devastated when a friend gently acknowledges not liking their haircut. When people learn to recognize their struggles and have compassion for them, then they can begin to heal and grow emotionally stronger.

[@catshaveteats]

Hi Leslie, I really struggle with this. In particular when it really is rejection, not just imagined. What can you recommend to help mentalisation? Polly

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Yes, learning to mentalize can be difficult. You might look at some other videos, such as those on my STEAM playlist, especially Don't Believe Everything You Think. I also have resources on my website -- check out my Bouncing Back from Rejection Resources page. Finally, you might find the compassionate self-awareness (CSA) page on my website helpful. www. drbecker-phelps.com -- I hope this helps.

[@imck76]

I forget, that other people can feel so.. dreadful at times. It helps, to see yourself with some compassion!

[@NadiaThePoet]

This is great! Thank you very much. I realied today thanks to my therapist I have Rejection Sensitivty, and it has really taken a toll on my relationship dynamic recently. Now I can see it, I can ensure this is managed properly. We've been given so many tools to focus on all of the many gifts and positives in the relationship, which were hard to see when I was obsessing and focusing on my rejection sensitivity experiences only. Thanks for this video!

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I'm so glad that you found this helpful. You might want to check out my other videos on this playlist (Bouncing Back from Rejection), as well as my other videos. Many of them can help with rejection sensitivity. You might also find some information (free) on my website to be helpful, such as drbecker-phelps.com/home/csa/ . I wish you well with your therapy and your personal journey toward greater resilience.

[@melissabuddy7284]

Going into foster care children are required to see a therapist. Unsure the the process has stayed the same, however, when I was in the system there was therapeutic kids and there was basic care kits and I was a basic care kid. I did have to see both therapist as well as a psychologist to see if I needed medication I did not. Or more refusing medication . I was 10 . Although I do not remember If ADHD was one of the diagnosis, I patently remember being diagnosed with severe manic Bipolar depression disorder . I remember this because I was a happy child. Although inside I was not.l something Along the lines of my childhood more than likely has caused me to suppress and mask. Oftentimes I was Perceived as ADHD due to lack of attention and"at times, a Hyper personality. As an adult I see now that these symptoms more fit more in the realm of being Manic Bipolar . The scenario you exemplified in the video, the thought of it made me sink . Although on the outside I seem quite Confident In situations that I reel the most over , my thoughts go 90 to nothing with every possible horrible scenario. When you Explained them turning around and asked, [left out] to come with them and they pretend not to hear ... In that situation I would have responded with, 'oh no that's okay I have [ a,b,c] to do. In my head,however, I'm thinking about the fact l they're extending a pity invite, and me accepting wouksd only burden them. This is ongoing . Especially when I do not feel there is stability that situations like this engender those thoughts more often.

[@melissabuddy7284]

New York Times best seller🔼🔼 I tend writs novel type text the when there is passion behind my thoughts. ?. Sure divulging information via internet Also gives me the comfortability to do so sorry bout me

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Reading your history makes me feel sad for your situation. It sounds like you have been through a lot of difficulty. I hope the video helps you even a little bit on your journey to find stability and inner peace.

[@jjmaster0113pro]

Thank you for this video I am extremley grateful 🙏🏿❤

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

You are welcome. I do hope it helps you, even a little.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

You are most welcome.

[@johannaliem4974]

Did it work

[@amoonheart]

this called me out so hard, my heart started racing and i was cringeing from even just imagining that scenario 😖😫 THAT EXACTLY has happened so many time omg...... thank u ! still looking for more tools for coping with rsd, it really is debilitating 🥴

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I'm glad this helped. Check out my other videos for more tools. You might also find tools on my website, especially the compassionate self-awareness page: drbecker-phelps.com/home/csa/

[@alphawhiskey3311]

Thank you for this video.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

You are welcome.

[@dzenkejup2487]

RSD is really a little Devil on your shoulder speaking mean things to you... I just discovered I've it and almost got dumped by my new boyfriend because of it. I've to work on rejection and on my RSD in order to show up better in my relationship, and I hope I'll manage but I'm sure I will!

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

The first step in not just managing, but healing, is developing compassionate self-awareness. It sounds like you may be on your way to developing that. I hope you have a long and happy relationship!

[@lemadamme1746]

I am 45 and completely alone. I have consciously and unconsciously rejected all important people from my life. When I say "unconsciously" I mean that they left me, but there must have been something within me that made them leave. I have no idea how to deal with it. This is so painful.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I feel sad for your pain. Given that you have watched this video, I can tell that you are looking for help, which is really good. I hope that this and my other videos help. You might find other helpful information on my website, drbecker-phelps.com. Also, given your struggles, you might want to find a therapist to help you, if you are not already in therapy.

[@HonestObserver]

Is this the mindfulness concept that's being preached broadly?

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

Mentalizing and mindfulness are overlapping concepts, but not the same. Mindfulness is an awareness of your inner states. With mentalization, you are understanding and connecting with what's going on in your own or others' thoughts, feelings, desires, etc in order to understand their behaviors. It involves mindfulness and also awareness of others' inner experiences that allows for empathy. You may find it helpful to listen to an interview with Peter Fonagy about mentalizing where he also explains this. kzbin.info/www/bejne/hXnaY4SroreDqLM

[@xdrazormon454]

I’m 25 now and all of my crushes rejected me when I was in my teens and while in this moment in my 20s I still get rejected from women just to get ghosted or blocked by women to this day I have OLD, OCD, and other mental illnesses, I just always felt like being replaced since they find guys who are better than me so I ofc think they have zero interest in me for being their potential boyfriend/husband I can’t take women I’m just accepting that I’m an incel, I think I’m not meant for love and dating when it comes to those things and especially from women I’m probably going to be single and no kids in my linages

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

What you are describing sounds so painful. It makes me wonder whether your experiences with others are a reflection of how you feel toward yourself. In any case, learning to mentalize yourself can hopefully help you to heal and grow. It can help you to connect with your inner struggles in an empathic and compassionate way. Mentalizing yourself can then help you to better mentalize others. And, finally, transforming your inner relationship with yourself can help you transform your relationship with others. If this feels beyond what you can do, you might consider trying therapy -- or returning to it, or continuing with it. But for therapy to be effective, it is essential to find the right therapist for you. That means someone you can respect and trust and think can help you. It also means being able to trust the person enough to be honest about how you feel in relationship with them, especially if you are feeling that they don't like you or don't get you or want to reject you -- this is absolutely essential, given your struggles in relationships. It can be scary to do, but hopefully your therapist can support you through your struggles.

[@elizabethzacharias1757]

Maybe one day you’ll understand that women aren’t interested because they know you aren’t ready for a relationship. It’s clear that you’re struggling with something giant internally. Mental illness is no joke and not only affects you but also the people around you. Once you genuinely heal, it’ll be different for you. But who knows, so many young men get caught up in this cycle of insecurity that only drives others away…

[@pippysperson]

I'll rewatch this whenever I need to feel better after a really hard day.

[@LeslieBeckerPhelpsPhD]

I hope it helps. You might also want to check out some of the other brief videos in my Bouncing Back from Rejection and STEAM playlists. Both include videos that help you develop compassionate self-awareness, which can be very healing.