Mini Wife Syndrome In The Blended Family | Blended Life

Mini Wife Syndrome In The Blended Family is no joke! Really though, it can happen between any bio parent and bio child, so it could also be known as mini spouse syndrome. When a bio parent gets their emotional needs met through the relationship they engage in with their child, it takes a toll on the entire family, especially the marriage. It creates a whole lot of chaos, entitlement, hurt feelings, power struggles and resentments. On this episode we discuss the ins and outs of mini wife or mini spouse syndrome including how you can navigate and work through it. Lots of deep breaths and also lots of hope! Enjoy!

[@jifmom]

Husband on this podcast is really resistant to the topic… HE is in denial and is VERY defensive. He ruined the entire podcast and topic. Julie - you did a wonderful job with this topic at hand. Thank you!

[@sherrileebutler4145]

I totally agree - he is a dick big time - he sounds like he would like a mini wife!

[@chichinicuil]

Seriously!!! Like he diverted the entire topic so much! Can we please re do this without him???

[@DaughterofJesustheChrist]

He is probably doing the same in his marriage 😂

[@jacquielamie3448]

This husband is a joke. He has a lot of growing up mentally to do. The emotional immaturity is oozing out of him and is gross. I feel so bad for his spouse, and at the same time I admire her for being able to tolerate him. She is the reason I was able to listen to this podcast. She is amazing, intelligent and a beautiful person.

[@jadeshaw3621]

His resistance to this subject is massive. Its not about being close with your children in healthy attachment its unhealthy attachment’s from child to parent and parent to child.

[@Talks_2much]

I think this might be what's going on with my step daughter. I am not allowed to call out negative behavior without being called the evil step mom. There is a palpable distance between me and my husband when she is here. She even steps on my toes when I am parenting me and my husband's toddler. I realized that something was really off when my husband told me that he used to sleep with his daughter when he was single and it would help him with feeling lonely. (Not in a gross way) if he sits on the couch, she cuddles up next to him. She is and will forever be his princess and he will always put her first even when she is in the wrong. (She can do nothing wrong in his eyes) I think it came from him feeling like a spouse won't stay with him forever but his kids will. The problem is, he is creating a situation that makes it hard for a woman to stay. Even in a blended situation, a spouse comes first before the kids because otherwise, there's no point in having a blended family because it will fail. I think in his mind, she's his only daughter and so their closeness is normal but what is not normal is for me to feel like the lowest person in my own home.

[@mariasmith4769]

There are support groups for this on Facebook. If youre not in one. You describe their dynamics perfectly in line with mini wife syndrome.

[@rosegirl4449]

Omg same here!! When my bf and I first got together 15 months ago. The first night I stayed over and for 2 my the after that she slept in our bed with us. And in the middle!! Omg it drove me buts . No man has ever done that woth me. I've dated plenty of single dads.. and it was hard for me to tell anyone because I didn't want them to think it was on a gross way. Because it wasn't. But he'll be like baby do yiu want to take a nap. (Speaking to hisb5 year old daughter) and they'll go and lay down and sleep and I'm just standing the re like okkk. As if I don't exist

[@Talks_2much]

Update: I broke up with him. There were a lot of problems. Mini wife syndrome being only one of them. I have been happier and healthier than ever for the past 3 1/2 months with my 2 yo son.

[@IamBarati]

​@@Talks_2much I'm sorry. I was in the very same situation. We broke up. He married someone else and I feel sorry for her struggles. Mini wife syndrome is just the tip of the ice berg.

[@terijohnson5911]

40:50 This man literally said as the stepparent “You had no power to begin with” but then 48:50 “They need to take control”. It almost seems like this man is purposely trying to disagree with every point his wife makes…

[@judydevey4923]

The 11 minute mark. Ding ding ding. I am living the nightmare that is two mini wives that are now young adults. My husband has actually recognized the error of his ways and is redefining himself as their dad, not partner, through therapy. It. Is. Not. Easy. Pray for me.

[@jenniferwhiten1884]

Wow - your so lovey he’s seeking council ! Prayers !

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

What happened?

[@patriciadaneluk4714]

Thank you for this podcast Julie! Could you redo it without your husband because I feel like if I were to watch this with my parter he would take your husband’s resistance as validation and it’s really not ok or healthy. I really enjoyed your research and sharing it with us. Thank you so much.

[@mago509]

Eric's response to this subject is very telling. He very much wants to manage individual tasks and not deal with the core issue of the bio-parent's guilt. It seems he fears intraspection on this subject and attempts to deflect through the episode. And then he denies that positive reinforcement and gratitude is important in a relationship. And then he puts the responsibility on the step-parent to take control and "drive the car". This is very much happening in my relationship. Good job on Julie for staying on point. This has been happening in our family since the beginning 5 years ago when my step-daughter was 6. I just found this term yesterday when searching for solutions in our blended family. I'm hoping now that I have a frame of reference we can talk about it as parents and change the situation.

[@Star-of-truth]

Ok so it wasn’t just me thinking he seems to be purposefully missing the point. I mean the amount of deflection that occurred over things like camping and fishing lol I genuinely felt like he was being difficult

[@sunandsoul24]

The husband in this podcast, debating his wife throughout the podcast, REALLY overshadowed the content and his wife's knowledge on this topic. I came here to educate myself on the topic, not to hear this man's opinion on said topic. I understand why the wife acquiesced to her husband but his constant babbling (saying alot but not saying much) really got on my nerves and ruined the flow of this podcast for me. Julie, thank you for trying to share your knowledge on this very difficult issue. It is very much appreciated!

[@mirandahamilton3744]

But it also brings up resistant points when discussing this with someone.

[@tracycortez8299]

I have experienced this ! This is real and a problem in blended family lives! Not everyone will experience this but it’s real and raw and Julie is so spot on

[@tammypleasant2958]

I fault the parent for allowing it. Especially if the child is a adult.

[@zoes3569]

Julie you are 100% correct. I have experienced everything in your clients letter, plus some. Tears from the daughter if her father and I went to dinner on our own, I wasn’t able to sit next to him if we went to dinner with his children, the being left to straggle behind while they walk hand in hand is one of the most soul destroying things to experience. I raised my my concerns with him and he at times addressed it, however the daughter would then suddenly feel sick or get injured or just sit there and sook to regain his attention etc. You could tell he felt conflicted when he’d behave toward me in a way a normal partner would which was also hurtful. Valentine’s Day, he bought his daughter a gift that mirrored mine, and included her in our gift exchanging moment, we couldn’t even share just that experience between the two of us. I often said I felt like I was in a relationship with him and his daughter. I could go on and on.. but it’s the strangest dynamic I’ve ever been in and just so hurtful and degrading.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

100% I relate. I'm out of it now, but even reading this reminds me instantly how icky and awkward and devaluing it felt. Time will tell what it has done to the girl herself

[@ashleygthompson6313]

The hand holding leaving me behind hurts me deeply 😢 I wish I could address it and idk how but it hurts

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

So I experienced the inappropriate gift situation also. He gave his daughter diamond earrings for Christmas and handed me cash for bills. Also caught them holding hands while watching TV. So icky

[@ElleRT19]

It’s devastating and validating to know I’m not alone. This has been gross to witness but also so incredibly painful because it’s like having to sit back and watch your partner cheat with someone everyone is telling you to love like they are your own.

[@-SleepyNurse-]

I have been gone for15 months now. It does not get easier because I helped raise them from ages 4 and 5 after their birth mom abandoned them. No appreciation for my sacrifices in my life to be with them. I was sassed on daily basis and was screamed and cursed at by a 16 yr old and her dad did nothing about it. Eventually I felt my partner and the two young adults were against most anything I did, hypercritical. When the youngest decided at 24 that she was changing her college major for the third time and working only 14 hours per week at grocery store while staying up all night playing video games and sleeping all day I left. I no longer felt valued or happy to share my income in that family. The eldest is lazy, professional community college student part time on grants, living off her dad and the youngest, male, has autism and Asperger’s syndrome. They never call me, seek me out in any way. I literally held them when they cried, bathed them, taught her how to shave legs, tucked them in, first day of her kindergarden on my lap, cooked for them, laundry, bought them clothes and toys, they were my children. I never had kids of my own. So I left my soul mate due to all this. Nobody wanted therapy, nobody tried. I told my exe partner when daughter matures and gets out on her own, contact me, I might still be single/available. The whole thing is sad and broke my heart. He never recognized my work, my caring for them, my sacrifices. He never upheld me. Neve4 defended me or punished the nondisabled daughter for her bad treatment of me. Any women considering this life: just don’t. You will waste your life with no real family to show for it.

[@rust7731]

We had this for a long time when I moved in with my boyfriend. We had a miniwife in between us, pulling our hands apart and seperating us on the couch. We had her interrupting every conversation between us and involving into our decicion making. I had her in my spot in the bed next to my boyfriend, asking me "what?" when I enter my own bedroom. Treating me like the child and them like the couple. If my boyfriend didn't listen to me when I told him about these things I would've not ended up staying. But it really takes us to adress it. The parents themselves never see the problem on their own.

[@cathylittle49410]

How did you handle this? I'm desperately NEEDING ANY AND ALL SUGGESTIONS!! PLEASE, and TY

[@rust7731]

@@cathylittle49410 I spoke about them to my partner and why they bothered me. I think it's best if the child isn't around to hear that and you only speak about those things to them after you and your partner have come to an agreement together. Some things took time for the kid to understand and remember. This might be hard if your partner is sensitive to any criticism towards their offspring. But if they refuse to listen, then I'd reconsider the relationship being suitable for you. The key is that your partner needs to listen to you and respect your feelings. They need to understand that you're not being unreasonable even if they don't mind those things happening to them.

[@michellecichon7186]

I’m wondering if this is a premise that is just more felt and understood as a step mom than as a step father . Eric seemed extremely resistant to this idea and I’m not sure why. I totally understand what was being explained . I felt like he was heated and talking over you. I appreciate this subject being discussed .

[@jifmom]

I completely agree. Eric seemed hostile and resistant to her message. I sincerely hope this isn’t the normal dynamic in their relationship.

[@lynnfit4life]

I was annoyed by his comments.

[@emmalee79]

It's a boundary issue. Bad boundaries set (or not set) by parents blur lines so badly, and children pick it up at such a young age. As step-parents we come off as petty when, in actuality we're just tired of feeling very little sense of belonging in our own home. One phrase than can apply to this is parentification. It doesn't encompass the entire conversation, but it could be a piece of it in some situations.

[@S7Beauty]

Yessss ! Absolutely correct

[@tracycortez8299]

Often times when parents are single parents they depend on their children and their children then feed off this responsibility on sustaining these things for their parents. Because they are young it molds their identity at an early age. So when someone comes in and fills that position that was never meant for them it becomes an issue

[@elizabethnapoleon8322]

Dealing with this type of situation is damn near unbearable and it puts you in such a torn position sadly... I ended up having to move into another place because of this. I hope it gets better for any family dealing with this, because it really is a hard thing to go through/deal with.

[@nena8785]

Girllllllllll, I’m on the verge of leaving. It’s weird & he’s in denial. He’ll even check me before he checks his child. Over it!

[@EekZombies]

I am also going through this with my stepson. I hide in the basement when hes here. He ignores and stonewalls me when i try to talk to him. He pouts & has an attitude whenever i show up to anything. Ive been sleeping at my parents house because its unbearable being around it anymore.

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Mine just admitted today, "my daughter comes first, it's true." @@nena8785

[@damnprivacy3579]

34:17 you hit the nail on the head! This is my first time in your podcast/channel, & I am finding it REALLY difficult going because of the extreme resistance and constant debating by your husband with this topic. The defensiveness is so profoundly evident it is becoming annoying. Separate yourself, and your own experiences, and your own ego, and get on with the podcast! I clicked on this in the hopes of learning more from an active blended family couple; but right now what I have learnt is hubby has a sore spot in regards to the topic being raised in your OwN relationship...and it has not been resolved. Yet the difference when it was mentioned with wife's bio son was PROfoundLY different! It was almost like with intonation and replies you could hear the finger points, unresolved accusations and scoffing. At this point I am trying to persevere because your wife seems to be trying so hard to get information across that could genuinely help others. What state you are in, is reactive, argumentative, base emotional level of interaction. I am actually feeling sorry for her right now. I would very much dislike trying to navigate this with you off camera and in my own personal life. If you are this difficult when recording something for the world to see, what would a real life situation look like for her? Finally, the amount of times you have her on the back foot trying to explain, or outright defend the parameters of a known psychological and relationship dynamic is ridiculous. She explains something, you twist, resist, debate...and when she gently and politely tries to keep the podcast on track, or gently and politely calls you up on it, you DENY that is what you are doing in what I would describe as gaslighting. I wish you both the world of luck in your relationship.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

You don't need to acknowledge and thank a child for sitting somewhere else and making room for your spouse. That is so ick. As the bio parent, you should be teaching that to your child as the normal expectation. Well done Julie, cos hubby tried to totally discredit this idea and I can see how it happened in your family! I'll tell you what happens if you as step parent step up and try shut the competition down and tell your partner you want time and to be treated as a partner..... your partner starts going on secret dates and outings with the child, and lying about what they do with/spend on the child.

[@nena8785]

Omggggggg I just had that happen to me. He snuck off to a concert. And told me it’s none of my business, yet everything & everywhere we go he has to either take them first or after or she wants to go do what we’ve done as a couple. Am I crazy or what? Am I wrong for wanting to leave? I’ve been going through this plus more with him & his daughter. I’m just so tired of it.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

@@nena8785 no you're not wrong for wanting to leave, it's weird. I felt like we couldn't do anything without the daughter getting something better at the same time. Even xmas and birthdays i felt second best. It's just gross. Pretty sure he is a narcissist too though.

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

Yep. Just happened to me

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

This happened to me. Once I caught him lying about something trivial, I realized this was far bigger than anything I could change with a conversation. It's a huge turn-off.

[@WYEMILLION]

Husband, I have this exact situation your wife is trying to discuss!! He clearly does not listen to the end of sentence! I was annoyed by his feedback

[@jifmom]

Same. He steamrolled over everything she tried to say.

[@jifmom]

All of his feedback was awful. I’ve lived this nightmare. He is clearly contributing to this very dynamic in his own family.

[@terijohnson5911]

@@jifmom he was clearly triggered. These traits fit the relationship with him and his child and he sees the similarities but is in denial.

[@gerryandmichellestea1319]

I find the husband here annoying. He hasn’t done any of the research and wastes a bulk of the time justifying himself instead of discussing the topic. I tuned in to hear a conversation about what I’m struggling with in my household and not to listen to him justify his own feelings. Annoying! Could have been a good discussion because she seemed to really understand the struggle and he wouldn’t stop distracting from the intended conversation.

[@jesus_built_my_hotrod]

Confession time. My partner and I recently went to counselling together and I now realise I've been the enabling parent as this has been severely affecting our relationship. I've been driven by guilt since I split with my girls mother but I am already working on things to make changes, to be a better parent, each day I see opportunities to teach my daughter how to become more independant. Self realisation (again) isn't an easy road but I still hope I can save my relationship and see my daughters grow into healthy happy mature adults. I'm doing my best to let go of guilt.

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

Such a huge step that you have taken. I congratulate you on the healing

[@Deedra_]

Update please ?

[@jill4jesus57]

This has been very helpful. I'm going through it now.i think it's when the child's needs dominate the dynamic. there is emotional manipulation to the Father so if the wife makes any request, she is labeled as not happy or too emotional.

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

Or jealous. Don't forget that one

[@John-zy8sb]

Blended family's are a scam for women to extract money out of husbands and break up family's, it is one of the most sicko practices of the modern day, Blended family's are only a good idea to the women who envetably is incentivised by the gov to break up the family so she can get paid and have her own new source of income for Prada bags, so enivetably she will have to swap partners with someone else's family because her husband must be cashed in for money instead... burn in hell sickos

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

Jealous is the big one. They call you jealous so all of your complaints can be reduced to some bizarre insecurity on your part instead of a legitimate issue to be addressed.

[@princy246]

Julie, you're absolutely correct. This is a real thing. I am a stepmom that saw this but didn't know there was actually a name for it until I did research on this behavior between my husband and stepdaughter. It became a pattern that made me feel like a 3rd wheel whenever we would all go out as a family. I completely relate. It's not healthy or natural, and a significant other shouldn't have to force or assert themselves for inclusion with their spouse. The issue is, why is the spouse seeking companionship/relations only with their child to the point of neglect to their spouse? 🤔 it's because this was the parent/child relationship before the s/o came along. It's something that's not an issue until you have a s/o that is affected by this. It's emotional incest and it's not a one size fits all. There is absolutely spectrum.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

I have experienced this as the stepmother role too, and I think its more because the child is a more certain, safer source of love (not likely to leave) to an emotionally dysfunctional man

[@jenniferwhiten1884]

Ugh , that’s a good point . I’m going through a similar situation and have been during our 9 year marriage . His adult married daughter with two kids hates me and if she gets mad at him - she emotionally punishes him by not speaking to him for five or six months then we’ll start missing him and calling again and they both act like nothing ever happened . It’s so horribly codependent.- I don’t even know what to do anymore and my spouse gets mad at me when I bring it up anymore .

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

​@@jenniferwhiten1884 sorry. I feel this too. I am one foot out and 1 foot in.

[@jenniferwhiten1884]

@@citigirlcountrified1927 I’m so sorry . This was never Gods design for husband and wife - its supposed to be God first - then our spouses, everything else under , kids family etc . Just awful . I’m so sad for all of us . I’m the same - 1 foot out . I don’t even feel love anymore - but at the same time - the broken side of me is not leaving and giving her what she wants for 10 years . 😭😭😭 I’ve tried counseling - he’s gone with me - we just fight more after .

[@jenniferwhiten1884]

@@KiKi-te9yd that’s such a good point . My therapist said his daughter acts like she’s his surrogate wife .I am wife #4 but one left him ( smart ) he left the other two . That should have been my red flag . Daughter gets mad at him and punishes him like a girlfriend - she literally stops taking to him for 5 months 🤢 he never corrects her - is just over joyed when he’s back in her good graces 😭😭

[@susanlee8609]

The husband "didn't notice" his wife wasn't next to him but instead was walking behind him and his daughter? Wow, that says it all right there. He didn't miss her company. I'd be like, uh bye bye.

[@Cross-Examine]

I've held my husband accountable in multiple occasions for this. I tell him straight up --- "Don't leave me behind!" Can you not wait?" "You're supposed to protect me/ look out for me-- your wife."

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

​@@Cross-Examine then you are labeled as the nag or biotch

[@jenniferwhiten1884]

@@Cross-Examine Ditto . It hurts and it’s wrong . So rejecting

[@ashleygthompson6313]

I’ve been left behind… it’s awkward it’s sad 😢

[@caseyhill636]

I’ve absolutely been in that exact situation. He’s always oblivious and says I’m making it up 🤨

[@rosegirl4449]

To the husband in this podcast. I hope you get the chance to read this. I am not a debater. I'm a person who actually LOVES to hear other people sides and opinions and am intrigued how others think... but I DO want to say I watched this podcast 3 times back to back while cleaning my house. And I acknowledge what your saying and see from a father's point of few and it was very insightful . I respect it. The thing I had a problem with that kept rininging in my head is that I've heard your wife be completely honest and very insightful about the topic and also listen and acknowledge YOUR feeling. I am a step parent. I have an almost 6 year old step daughter who 8ve been raising since she turned 4. For the past 6 months I have been experiencing EVERYTHING that was talked about in this podcast... and I feel like you nit acknowledging your wife on this topic, that you were not acknowledging all us step mother followers. You debated with her, and feels like you are debating ALL of us stepmother followers.. I feel like you were debating my factual relevant feelings about this topic. This is a very sensitive topic for step mothers as well. Extremely uncomfortable to talk about. But we as woman and as mothers KNOW when things are not going the way it should be. We notice behaviors more than fathers. And as mothers we are supposed to Parent your kids. We teach them their manners. We put the structure in them. We teach them to be good people and how to treat people and it starts by teaching them to respect US . As their parents. And when a child is behaving this way and the mother is not able to control it like we are born and made to. It gets difficult. And we experience all these heavy feelings and questions wondering if it's US having problems. If we're mean or jealous. When really it's none of those. Every woman/mother has needs front their partner. When the partner is foing all the things with their child that should be done with the wife. Or conversations with the child about plans or things that should be with the wife. Can you imagine how that makes us feel??? Totally left out. Totally doscluded. It's very lonely . And you never want to say anything about it alot because you feel bad because it looks as if your complaining about him loving his child so much. And that is NOT AT ALL THE CASE. It almost makes out mind crazy. It even makes us feel our partner doesn't want to be around us. That we're not fun. The child is more fun. When we got into this situation t9 be a family and do family things. When yiu do family things the family dynamic is always non existent. Because the father goes off with the child. The child because the boss. The center of your world. .. in my house. I don't ever get to have a personal conversation woth my bf ever. Not even when she's supposed to be sleeping. She stays up and gets in and out bed when we try t8 have alone time. And it's just nonexistent. We can't even have adult conversations around her. He had a friend who was talking about brewing beer and she butt's in and starts asking questions and his friend told him um I don't feel comfortable of answering this question to a 5 year old. She doesn't need to be in this conversation. SO now people are really starting to ee her do that and people are very annoyed by her. Because he will go off and tend to her every needy mood. It's very difficult. We came in yiur life to be helpers and have a family. Our feelings matter 💯 we accepted you with your child and baggage if exes. So if any9ne is dealing eith this I hope your partner understands

[@sparklemint2458]

This is a real problem. I have this problem with my Husband and his 19 year old Daughter. A restaurant that I liked one of my favorites and I took my husband too and he liked it with me it was one of our little dates that we could go do which there aren't many is now the place where that him and his daughter go to eat all the time and now he never goes with me ever. Today they went there he wanted to bring me but his daughter wanted to talk to him alone therefore she she does not want me to go. Although they talk everyday at least once if not more on the phone. I hardly ever have a chance to go with them to that restaurant that I love anyway because most of the time I was watching my granddaughter or working. I end up going with them once a year or maybe twice

[@C0C0LOVE]

This was so awesome!!! I feel seen and heard and validated....

[@greghoward9894]

The man should just sit there and not talk. His idiotic comments take away from the smart woman talking sensibly

[@agaanim5898]

Yeah, he is just sabotaging her, sadly… he is definitely feeling some sort of an attack and guilt, pure denial and deflection here.

[@ceciliarhodes4404]

I feel like yall need to be more united on a subject you present… it is seriously affecting the good that is needed by this being discussed. I started crying when I heard the first two minutes, but then the husband completely derailed what you were trying to help… WE NEED HELP! Mini spouses are a MAJOR issue in blended families.

[@marijanaperkovic2038]

This woman is brilliant ! Great job

[@pinkforeverlove1]

Julie was spot onnnnnn

[@CM-B23]

I’m in a step family. Step mom to a 10 year old girl, 8 year old boy and mother to my 13 year old boy and my 9 year old daughter. It’s been obvious since the day I moved in (almost) that my husband favours his 10 year old daughter over the rest of us - we all live full time together. He spent our evening wedding party dancing with and sat by his 10 year old daughter for most of it! Lots of other examples but most recently, my husband announced to his side of family at a get together a week ago, in-front of me, that his daughter is “the best person to do things like go karting with “ and later in the week he got home from work walked past me hanging out washing and went to ask my step daughter how her day was . This is daily occurrence. I commented on it this time “I had a good day too, thanks for asking” he responded “you don’t chat , she chats “ in defensive tone . I replied “no you don’t ask me about my day , you just walk past me!” I’ve learned she always comes first in this house, he’ll always defend her and she can do no wrong. It hurts but commenting on it will just make me sound jealous /insecure / resentful that he treats her like his wife as much as I am. I try and ignore it and focus on myself and the other three children at home now.

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

Sounds like he has an issue here.

[@jifmom]

For sure… it ruined the entire message of this podcast.

[@gsantibanez12]

You have a great podcast. But your husband adds no value to the conversations. I’m sorry but he just deters the conversation to something dumb. 😬

[@lulu_america8855]

This doesn't change. These are not healthy boundries. You are his wife and you two are to be partners. You will be dealing with this the rest of your life. It can get worse, too. If she lived with you full-time, it would be extremely likely this daughter would up her disrespect towards you even more and it can get way worse. These are red carpet kids/teenagers. If the parent is willing to set healthy boundries and ensure you, his wife, is prioritized, the long-run will continue to be this way.

[@jifmom]

Good grief… just finished watching this video. Eric’s inability to grasp this concept is a lot to take in… Julie, I wish you the very best. As a stepmom dealing with this very issue (mini-spouse syndrome) Eric just undermined you on every single valid point you made. Julie, you are golden and your commentary is spot-on. Narcissistic people cannot receive this message/information… just sayin’. Girlfriend… get your OWN blog. Because this ‘joint’ one isn’t serving you well.

[@ashleygthompson6313]

Yes narcissist cannot comprehend the deep issue that mini wife/ husband have. It is that codependent relationship they have so then their children are unable to really cope in life

[@agaanim5898]

Such a good comment! He is just undermining her… very sad for Julie, and I hope she stays strong.

[@hideyoyamamoto4191]

Eric seemed so defensive in this subject and taking this to personally and it was difficult to follow the core point. This is a real issue, Eric. It may or may not about you and your son - be objective!

[@jifmom]

Agree… he had a very defensive demeanor. It detracted from all the great things Julie was reflecting on and trying to educate others.

[@jifmom]

Eric… get some counseling. Your wife is trying to tell you something. Her research and narrative was brilliant!

[@agaanim5898]

She is an adult, he keeps acting like a 12 year old.

[@KDL1464]

I can totally relate with the mini wife syndrome in my life. For more than 15 years I have been trying to communicate this to the bio parent but he was totally in denial until it almost ruined my marriage. We went for therapy and it was agreed that the daughter is taking the partner position. It started a long time ago and she was not prepared to give up the number one position. She used to call my husband (he4 father) and make plans for the weekend without my consent or awareness. I just felt superfluous and it made me feel like the child, following like a shadow. Otherwise there would be unnecessary arguments that caused me over time to have PTSD. I just had to sit down with her along with my husband and call her out on it. Setting clear boundaries from then on. Eric you seem to have a massive defensive behavior with regards to this topic. Yes it is important for the step parent to step up but when you are being gaslighted it’s not going to happen quick enough. Asking only the step parent to take responsibility, then it’s just shifting responsibility belonging to the bio parent which should have been taken care of before getting into a relationship. It’s not healthy or good for the child as they get stuck and cannot have proper and successful relationships of their own.

[@ryaennicole]

It's not a zero sum game. The beautiful aspect of "love" is that it doesn't deplete because you love someone else, it grows to fill the new love added.

[@shariseducation3546]

Having walked this journey bravo to Julie - your research is solid and very descriptive for recognizing the need to compile this information - the man sounds very ignorant in his rebuttals. I would love to have joined this feed but, the argumentative behavior and lack of respect the man is showing to this brilliant woman is awful. I am embarrassed for you that you are so disrespected.

[@pipergunderson-swaney4539]

Truly I live this and it is the fault of the spouse, the supposed adult.this child later may try to divide you, as mine did. It may have worked. Praying daily that my husband can see through this and stop being guilt tripped. It is not healthy for the child at all because it cannot sustain itself ever. In the end, the child will find happiness with another and the father will be alone drinking a beer wondering how did this happen.

[@verityhipper7362]

Julie is spot on.

[@tiahemmings5017]

Yes! Great topic. I’ve had to bust this up in my blended family. Prob is is that husbands are so passive. I knew my stepdaughter was feeling jealousy toward me. She eventually tripped up and told her dad he had to choose either her family or me. Guess what? He corrected her and she didn’t expect it to go that way. I let her trip herself up because I knew she felt that way about me. Both daughters have been extremely enabled. Don’t enable and lean into ur children excessively!!

[@nhendrickson123]

To the lady in the podcast. Thanks so much for providing a non judgemental view on this topic. It's seldom discussed. I personally have only experienced this condition in one man. It's a tough place to be in as the step parent. So I've cut things off.

[@vibewithniq8227]

I mean having a son vs having a daughter is different. Him bonding with his son doing activities she probably wouldn’t enjoy anyways, is different from him bonding with his daughter excluding you from things you would enjoy too.

[@kfitz]

He needs to stop trying to be funny all the damn time

[@nattya9467]

the statement you wrote first I strongly relate to heavily with my stepson. I think this also fits into "guilty father syndrome"

[@terijohnson5911]

I’m going through something now with my stepson and my bf. He had a high conflict ex and went through periods of not being able to be as involved as he wanted. He was just awarded custody, and I can see the struggle with parenting, setting boundaries and discipline that I think comes from feeling guilty.

[@brandirichmond-c3s]

So, in my experience, when my stepdaughter offers to cook my husband breakfast when I don't, to receive his praise and acceptance.

[@annemarie3811]

Did he say you can’t complain unless you’re prepared with a consequence? At about 50:00. Ugggghhhh What an absolute nightmare

[@cnwolford]

The litmus test for this very scenario is stepparent feels in competition with mini-wife. Right there. That was me. She is spot on and this guy is crushing this for me with his attitude

[@ShanteriaShares]

I completely understood what she was saying here. I’m not sure what her husband was not getting but maybe it’s just the different views of men & women.

[@susanlee8609]

Denial

[@kourtneyw8442]

@@susanlee8609 this. Men deny it happens.

[@susanlee8609]

@@kourtneyw8442 yep because no one wants to admit they're a pervert

[@yailinramirez6264]

Sadly, I think this is more common nowadays; parents are so concerned with tiptoeing around their kids’ boundaries and feelings that they neglect setting boundaries of their own and teaching kids that they (and the stepparent), too, have feelings and needs, some of which are (as they should be) not centered around the child.

[@angelwings6594]

Wow this guy protests too much…. Must have hit a nerve.

[@ashleygthompson6313]

He probably has a mini husband lol so yeah he’d get defensive

[@ms.mccraw7379]

She said they both have mini husbands at home. So her son and his were mini husbands!

[@terijohnson5911]

@@ms.mccraw7379 he was all on board when she mentioned things about her and her son but there was so much pushback in the rest of the podcast

[@KiKi-te9yd]

19mins in.... when you're excluding your partner and living life #1 with your kid, and your partner relationship is not a priority, is suffering, and you don't spend time bonding alone with your partner, then there's a big problem. And when the kid is allowed bigger say over adult household decisions than your partner... huge problem. 34 mins in Jeff still not getting it 😂 Yes, parents need to teach their children. This includes teaching your children how a spouse should be loved by showing them how you love your spouse. When you are too scared to do that because your bio child cracks a fit because they aren't #1, then you have a problem. Or when you can't do something nice for/spend time alone with your spouse without having to also do something nice for your kid to avoid sulking from the child.

[@BrandyNonnenmacher]

I understand the husband's concerns that he doesn't want anyone to misconstrue what exactly a mini wife is. The first items can exist in any blended family but doesn't necessarily mean you have mini wife syndrome. But they do always exist within the mini wife syndrome setting. The difference is, child took on the roll of the missing parent, including emotionally supporting dad, and may or may not include physical aspects like waiting on Dad personally as if they are the SO. And they absolutely treat child as equal, child ends up Knowing about Dad's financing, opening his mail/sorting his bills, packing his lunch etc. SO & child will make ALL the plans and decisions as if they are a couple and spouse is left on the sidelines. There will be NO time spent with SOs alone without children, without the mini spouse(s) besides sleeping in bed.

[@CindyLW781]

Maybe say… “I love when we cuddle…” “I love when we hold hands… it makes me feel connected…”

[@vastyzamora1641]

I didn’t know that this was something others also deal with or that it had a name. I called it the toxic ex-girlfriend behavior (step daughter was very entitled, rude and demanding of my partner). It’s a bit comforting to know it’s not just me going through this!

[@dannaa6262]

I'm experiencing this now and Julie is on point!

[@mynameishewit]

Can you so an episode on how to balance a marriage with a childless step mom? How much time should be dedicated to the spouse? Hiiiii I'm the childless step mom

[@terijohnson5911]

Just as much time as a spouse who does have children, love. Being childless should not be a disadvantage to your marriage.😊

[@ashleymiller7690]

I was invested in her thoughts but man child husband interrupting and making dumbass jokes was very off putting. I’m sorry sis.

[@shalisakelly3563]

This girl has some great insight, but the guy is very obnoxious. He is not taking the subject. Seriously it’s frustrating for anybody who wants to actually get something out of it.

[@El1256a]

I have found an other name about this, out of my own experience. It is call an emotional affair with his child :)

[@jenniferwhiten1884]

I call mine - the surrogate wife 😡

[@2okaycola]

This was me as a kid. Thanks for talking about this

[@aebyzoller621]

What about the bio mom in a dad-daughter relationship like this when there’s a step mom too? I’m so drained with this and it’s like to the T the description of my kid with her dad.

[@richricogranada9647]

I’m a childless by choice and could never be a step mother.

[@opiuynmy]

I also wonder if it’s a dynamic set up when the parent is not the primary parent, there can also be a lot of attention seeking from the ex partner and the child then over values that less custody parent. Can be even worse when ex partners build up the experience of seeing the other parents and set up expectations of daddy dates etc. I think ex’s model this behaviour and kids pick it up and parent doesn’t see it because it’s a familiar dynamic than his previous family

[@serenabaney997]

In a weird way, my stepson does this but with me, not his dad. He's ten. I've known him since he was 5. We but heads the most, but I understand his strong personality in a way that his dad doesn't because my husband is very reserved. Essentially if I being talking to my husband he'll hover around me and try and get my attention. He does this when I have friends over as well. My stepdaughter does this with her dad. Very interesting. Thank you for sharing.

[@Proverbs-qo8se]

This is absolutely a thing... in step parent or bio parents situations, the child are the child needs to the child and the spouse is the partner and needs their rightful place as such that leads by example what the children should grow up and look for in a spouse because they are not gonna marry their parent. This is a lack of spouses being United and child being allowed to fill in where the spouse should be. So even in healthy relationships or well oiled... when their are rough patch’s or problems with the adult they need to seek God or adult confidants, and this is also often a spirit of fear or jealousy from child not getting their way... if gone unparented with teaching and leading children or anyone else for that matter to respect your marriage and you two are to be honored you are the mother and father of that household than it causes detrimental devision... thank you for posting because I’m dealing with this... blending a family I have very purposely parented my children so they will learn my husbands rightful place, they have no other dad in life, step daughter has no other mom in life... so there isn’t influenced from other bio parents that they share time with out of our home, but I have reflected the lack of previous parenting of my stepdaughter to be a main culprit. And my husband needs to do things to take a stand for my place in our dynamic... and I need to bring it to his attention without causing further distance because I can see where United and making small changes in actions it shifts husband and wife in to right position and child naturally in theirs... but their not gonna like it at first lol. Thank you for putting out this content because I knew i wast crazy and I’m hoping to gain some perspective how to bring this up to my husband by your husbands reactions. May God bless you and yours.

[@glenniecalinamolliekeller580]

THANK YOU 🙏🏻🙏🏻 I really needed to hear this 🤲🏻❤️

[@MrsRobinson398]

The man on this podcast does not seem to grasp the concept

[@ladyshaqb1790]

I feel like Julie gets it, but husband on podcast is not getting it still and I'm only 13 mins in. He's resistant.

[@leeanndamato6268]

Please make him stop talking!!!! She's trying to explain it and he keeps interrupting her with his stupid comments. Perhaps HE should do some research before opening his mouth in the future.

[@melissamiller8051]

You are able to help people with this topic, I’m having a hard time believing that your husband doesn’t understand healthy boundaries with kids. You often stated we are not talking about relationship bonds between parents and children, that’s normal it’s when those bonds are used to manipulate circumstances.

[@stefanieboyer3362]

I really needed this info but the husband on this podcast was incredibly frustrating. Let the woman speak!

[@leslieslack9531]

That guy is making me upset! He keeps on interrupting..clearly resistance n defensive! I can't learn with him interjecting ! I have 2 mini wives ...it is painful ! To hear a MAN trying to blame step mom or downplay the dysfunctional issues makes it worse! I think in divorces..the parent feels guilty and places the child in the wrong roles and selfishly wants ego stroked. Savior is true.

[@hart-hubspiritualpersonald9932]

Gosh that man was annoying. He would argue it’s raining when it’s sunny. The lady did a good job despite him

[@aliciareyes383]

This is a great topic that goes on in both nuclear and blended families. I guess the issue I would like to address is that the signs were already there before you married this person. In the case of a blended family situation because the child/children were there, I’m sure you saw this. Yet you still married this person??? Where is the accountability for that? It’s easy to blame the parent allowing this behavior. However, it irritates me how grown people act like they are victims to these types of situations that they put themselves in. The moment you addressed it with your partner and you are not heard and things are not changed do not proceed with marriage. It’s really that simple. That’s the advantage of being in a blended family situation, you can see how your partner acts in the family dynamics, be it positive or negative.

[@ashleygthompson6313]

In my situation things didn’t really show until after we were married & it got worse. I’m sure there were signs but the guilt & shame of not wanting to be the evil step mom i probably dismissed it. Once we got married & our faith God, marriage then kids and that didn’t help and it became God, mw, then spouse then other kids. That isn’t ok. How was I supposed to know? I had no clue until after I was married there isn’t one size fit all. Every situation is different

[@ms.mccraw7379]

You never actually know the significance of a mini wife until you are living in the home. I had no idea what this was until I married and lived in my husbands home. It got worse overtime. Because as the bio parent makes major changes like remarry he becomes more guilty and the emotional connection with child becomes more. Especially with daughters as they get older they understand they have more control. A lot of Christian people live together after they are married not while dating! And it doesn’t always show in girls until preteen to teenage years!

[@Proverbs-qo8se]

Addition: as a Christian woman... even putting God first it’s happening because I’m the one practicing the walk in faith...We(husband and self)are not equally yolked spiritually. So maybe in mixed belief/religion marriage is a culprit component.

[@ashleygthompson6313]

I just came to this realization. I am fully committed in walking in our faith but my husband cannot commit fully. I pray for him but at some point will that divide us?

[@dnise577]

This husband seems like he is so resistant to his wife’s wisdom. He is nit picking all of her words and trying to dissect her words to invalidate the larger point she is trying to make.

[@ketomamalife114]

How do you not make yourself small? But also remove yourself from the competition??

[@MichelleMillerRealtor]

Going through this now with adult daughter. Lots of complexity to it. And as a constructive critique, please stop interrupting her with silliness. Levity is fine, but it’s too much. Also, it seems like she researched and he is just along for the ride to try and be funny and witty, but it detracts and does not add. Sorry.

[@gwenjohn8673]

What is his problem?

[@jackallen9045]

When it feels off, and you’re a reasonable person, it’s usually not healthy. Why is this guy so defensive?

[@ketomamalife114]

Listening to him talk over her and not actually listen to whats shes calmy trying to explain to him is infuriating. Almost couldnt watch it.

[@cadyjohnsonwins]

the man obviously feels personally attacked. he needs to just zip it and let her talk.. she’s smart and a good podcaster. he’s trying to be funny and just fails miserably

[@ms.mccraw7379]

This is so right on! And can happen in a blended home or a non blended home.

[@serenabaney997]

Yes! Thank you!!

[@jackallen9045]

Opposite sex child needs a healthy relationship (not spouse syndrome behaviour), as if not corrected that child will never have a healthy adult relationship and subconsciously stay stuck.. Up to the parent to step up and do what’s right!

[@JanayeLynise]

I’m experiencing this help! It’s gotten so bad that his daughter has told him that he cannot see me and it’s been five months. What do I do?

[@KiKi-te9yd]

In my case his daughter did a lot to break us up too. Honestly, if you don't have kids together, leave and find yourself something healthier, because this doesn't improve without dedication to change the dynamic from the father. And they don't want to, because they like the attention from the daughter

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

He has made the choice. Time to move on

[@dr.jenniferma3914]

That's what it is. He knows how it pains me and how it's wrong, but he likes the attention from her even more. I hadn't thought of this before because I assumed he just didn't realized it was messed up. @@KiKi-te9yd

[@Star-of-truth]

Idk if it’s just me and first impression but the husband seems to be purposefully missing the point and being a little difficult on the hobbies talk lol

[@vibewithniq8227]

There’s nothing to decipher between😩 I need a solution ASAP 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@agaanim5898]

Gosh, he is constantly talking over her and doesn’t let her finish. I came here to learn about it, but she can’t even list behaviors… 🤦‍♀️

[@ruthblossom838]

This man upears unhealthy. He doesn't want to listen to his wifes perspectives. There seems to be a problem he doesn't want to deal with. Video showed a lot of discomfort in him.. he was very irritating! Ruined the video for me. His attitude was unhealthy & very dismissive to her. The women handled this well.

[@vibewithniq8227]

How do I take myself out of that and stay in the relationship 😂

[@nattya9467]

I think you guys got off track and hyperfocused into the "incestuous" convos you kinda lost me there

[@samanthaklawonn5888]

Skating over the reason that they are an emotionally immature parent. Period.

[@KoolT]

Oh wait, is this when the daughter gets to boss the dad on visits. Lmbo.

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

Deeper than that. The daughter thinks she is the wife on all levels

[@sharonj.9597]

All true!

[@samanthanicole589]

I think this topic exposed the guy in this podcast he is entertaining the subject the whole time making excuses for inappropriate emotional behavior.....why did he say he may need to get a mini wife? that is gross considering you would enjoy getting that type of attention from a minor.. what is wrong with you

[@heatherarnold6861]

This guy is annoying. He just does not get it

[@manicmaggie]

Dealing with one right now. 'I go never wanted my daddy to remarry.' Boo hoo hoo