@@squidfrackr LIFE/GOMESS Sometimes I forget who I am. I don't seem to remember. To be honest, when I think about who I am. I feel like I end up with someone who is not me. I often joke that I'm an alien, but I'm not lying. I don't know, I'm not sure, but all I know is that I'm the second me that's alive right now. Who is the first one? And that's actually the hardest part, because I don't know. To tell you the truth, when I look in the mirror or when I hear myself singing, I don't know who this is. When I look in the mirror or hear my singing voice, I don't know who it is. I haven't told my mom or dad yet. When I used to cry everyday that I wanted to die... I didn't really want to die. I was just afraid of being alive. I used to panic every day. And every time I did, the me I knew went crazy. Because one day I met a version of me I didn't know existed. I don't know how it works. I don't know. I was always fighting with this other me in my head. He hates me. From the time I woke up in the morning until I went to bed, he was always complaining about everything I did. My mom used to tell me about this. Every time I panicked, he'd hit me. She'd tell me to go away, or tell me why I'm still alive. or "Why are you alive?" to someone I can't see. When I heard that story, I thought to myself. I wonder if that's what he's saying to me. If so, he's going to kill me someday. It's me, but it's not me. Who is that guy? I always lose my memory after a panic. I don't know what I was doing afterwards. Before I knew it, I'd finished cleaning my room. And the juice I'd saved for myself was empty. I got a text from a friend. "I'm at the meeting place, is it going to take long?" "What do you mean?" And I said, "What do you mean?" and he just said. "I still have an appointment." I'm sorry. Sometimes I forget who I am. I wonder where I was and what I was doing. I'm pretty sure I was just playing in the park. My head hurts. Why? I can't move my body. How long have I been sleeping here? Hey, why? Can someone tell me why? Mom, why are you crying? Dad, stop. You're not making any sense at all. Don't worry so much. I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, it happens all the time, I'm normal now, look, I can stand up, you're talking, what have you been saying? I'm me, not him, so stop it, I don't want to go to the hospital. Don't you understand me? I don't know who you are. I don't even know who you are anymore. I always lose my memory after a panic attack. Everyone stares at me like I'm the one they don't know. I couldn't share my time with them. Every day, I write in my journal, "I'm me," I took a lot of time so that I wouldn't forget you all. But if my memories of you and me are slowly slipping away... Then I'd like to lose the future and the past. I can't believe what I'm saying I can't believe the world I'm living in I can't believe that all the memories I have are lies. No one should believe me anymore. I'm sure that even this feeling I'm having now A second from now, they'll be gone anyway. I'll be the only one kicked out of this world. I have to kill that guy as soon as possible. I'm an alien. I'm an alien. I'm an alien. Are you human? Are you human? Am I human? Are you an alien? Are you an alien? No, I'm not. Am I an alien? Am I human? ...Alien?
I haven't told you though I don't wanna lie anymore So I'm gonna tell you a truth now Listen, Sometimes I forget myself Not sure if I remember or I don’t To be honest, when I think about myself, "Who I am?" I might find out it’s someone else in the end I often tell them I’m an alien like a joke But it may not a lie Although that’s unidentified and I’m not sure All I know is that myself being alive at this moment is another one "Then who is the original one?" I have no idea and that really troubles me Telling the truth when I look at the mirror or listen to my voice I can’t recognize myself, like, “Who’s this?” My parents haven’t been told yet But when I used to scream, " I want to die" That didn’t mean I wanted to die, honestly Just scared of myself being alive I had attacks* every day back then The one who I used to know got insane every time it happened Since I’ve discovered another myself one day I have no idea how it’s possible... not at all But I always argued with him inside my head He hates me From morning to night He kept blaming me whatever I did Before my mom told me I punched myself in every attack, she said Also screamed to someone who was not there Like, "F*ck off", "Why are you alive?" That story hit me It’s him, isn’t it? If so, he must be going to kill me It’s me but not me, then who’s he? Memories never remained after the attack I can’t remember what I was doing My room was cleaned while I didn’t know The juice I had kept was empty A message from my friend "I'm already here. Need more time?" I was like, "What do you mean? He replied only one word You seemed so angry I’m sorry Sometimes I forget myself Wondering where I was at, what I was doing Probably I was in the park and playing Headache, why? Can't move my body Since when have I been lying in this place? Hey someone, tell me why Mom, why are you crying? Dad, please don’t I don’t get it at all Don’t worry too much, I’m fine It is nothing, I’m fine It’s normal, just as usual Look, I can stand by myself, listen, I can speak What are you talking about? I’m just me, not him So please don’t I don’t wanna go to hospital anymore Don’t you see me? But I can no longer recognize anyone Memories never remained after the attack Everyone stares at another me I can’t share the time with anyone Every day, every day I keep my diary to prove who I am I take pictures a lot to remember you all If the gap between our memories would bigger despite of those I’d rather throw my past, future, everything away I can’t believe what I say I can’t believe the world where I live Even my memories could be all fake, huh? Everybody, please don’t trust me This feeling I’ve got now It will disappear in a second, I know The world is gonna kick me out I gotta kill him right now I’m an alien, I’m an alien, I’m an alien Are you a human being? Are you a human being? Am I a human being? Are you an alien? Are you an alien? No Am I an alien? Am I a human being? ...Alien?