My Faith Deconstruction Through Journal Entries | Fundamentalist Christian to Agnostic Atheist

[@JuliaAllenHesse]

Oof. I feel a lot of this. Or, felt--my "deconstruction" was ~12 years ago. I tried going the "liberal Christian" route, but I found all the god talk and bible verses to be very uncomfortable. I remember praying, "crying out to God" per se. The answer was always: nothing. "Hey pastor, what's God's will for me?" "Read the bible." "Oh." And the bible became more and more problematic the more I studied it. Contradictions everywhere that nobody could reconcile. "Just trust the Lord! Let go and let God!" Except that never did anything. Pray for something, and either it happens or it doesn't. Practically speaking, there was no difference between "the lord works in mysterious ways" and "there is no god." So, I found my own path. It was difficult (still is), but I'm better without religion than I ever was with.

[@stoneinyan2070]

I love your honesty. I’m a traditional Native American, and my people believe nature itself is “God.” We see “God” everywhere, and are always in “God’s” presence. Christianity believes humans have dominion over nature, and intend to dominate it as much as possible. To dominate “God” has always puzzled tradish Natives about Christians, and their historic cruelty while claiming morality and even supremacy has always confused us. It’s sad to know how many people are chasing an unattainable idea their entire lives, when “God,” or nature, is everywhere at all times, and the peace one has when simply accepting their place in it. I love your channel and I’m grateful for your sharing this beautiful, powerful journey you are on.

[@davegibson.8582]

God is beyond the limitations of his creation. For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life.John 3:16 The bible never instructs Christians to mistreat others or dominate society by force. We were all born with a sinful nature.God will judge sinners who refuse to repent of their sins.

[@Zarai_Numbers]

@@davegibson.8582 Are you forgetting all the wars God had people fight and God driving people out of their homes in the Bible? Or the times God told them to enslave people in the Bible?

[@madam_mim]

@@davegibson.8582 It's convenient for Christians that they can all interpret their religious text however it fits their own narrative. They can justify anything with it.

[@JM-ot8ux]

I appreciate what you say, but please realize that Native Americans are and always were human people with human failings--they are not magic Perfect People of the Past. Native Americans practiced child abandonment, torture of captives, and weren't as "one with the earth" as movies like Dances With Wolves depicts. They used resources, they stripped the land, and they moved on. They didn't have any environmental consciousness because they weren't any more knowledgable than the invaders. They used up land, and moved on, they ate and killed animals without thinking of "preserving" the species. They also suffered, starved, and died of many things, including exposure. It was a hard life, and they competed and fought other Native Americans. Read _The Falcon,_ an 18th-century autobiography of a European man who was kidnapped by Native Americans and lived as one for most of his life. There were some incredible cruelties and NO romanticization.

[@mattguzzim1744]

When people like yourself say, "Christianity believes...", I think it is important to recognize that there are multiple "christianities" in the US. Some operate with a high degree of historical amnesia. Franciscan spirituality, subsisting mainly in the Roman Catholic church, does not take the same view of dominion as you mention, but stewardship. Sadly, many who deconstrct their faith do not have the historical resources to navigate the deconstruction and end up deconverting themselves. Our society presents many serious questions, and the fundamentalist formulas are not up to the task. Our neopagan context requires us to return to the patristic era, to learn how the Faith thrived under those challenges.

[@hannahsteusloff9864]

your daughter is going to look back and thank you so much for not continuing the fundamentalist cycle. you are so brave and YOU are love.

[@Scarlett-jq4cj]

This is so powerful and beautiful. A true insight to the struggles of the mind, heart, and soul of someone who was raised in extremist faith. I identify with it so much as a fellow journal-writer who also used her writings to say prayers and express her faith. I commend you for sharing this. Peace and love to you!!!

[@reesesaunders872]

Thank you for sharing such a personal journey! I’m 3 years out of a 25 year marriage to a pastor who, I now realize, emotionally, physically, and religiously abusive. I lost my identity, my views were his views. I wrapped my image of God up with my ex and had a lot of anger, rage, and guilt when I left him. I’ve gotten mental health care and have been deconstructing a lifetime of brainwashing. I’m in a peaceful place now, except I still fear hell. I can’t seem to stop worrying that, even though I still believe in a higher power, it’s not the Christian God, and what if I’m wrong? Using hell to scare people into a religion is the cruelest thing you can do. I’m still working through a lot, but I’m thankful to have found your channel!

[@amandaliss]

i am so proud of you and rooting for you! when i fear hell, i always think, if god really would send me to be tormented forever just for genuinely trying to seek his truth, and then objective truth, then that’s no god I want to worship for eternity in heaven

[@vanillabean7832]

Something I’ve heard that has helped some people is to think about how if flesh is what would stay on earth and the soul is what would leave the body and go to hell, then how would those souls be burned if they have no flesh? Our skin is what allows us to touch and feel a burning sensation. I’m an agnostic atheist though and I personally don’t believe in souls and the concept of it makes no sense to me, so I don’t know how helpful this would be for someone who still believes in a higher power. But regardless I wish you luck and that you will be able to get over your fear of hell.

[@Ad1nfernum]

@@vanillabean7832 This might be helpful to start a conversation with people who do still believe. Brand new as of last month, scientists have now seen what happens in the brain upon death, and while they can't yet explain why the brain behaves as it does, we finally have observational science confirming that so-called "near death experiences" are both very real and, in fact, measurable and observable. This phenomenon tends to be one of the underpinnings of the idea that there is a soul or an afterlife, but science is probably getting close to explaining what's really happening. It's funny, I feared death so much more as a Christian than I do as an atheist. A single mushroom trip did more for my mental health and outlook on life than a decade of church services and bible studies. www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/brain-scans-suggest-life-flashes-before-our-eyes-upon-death-180979647/

[@Dream-bebe]

I am questioning hell . And the anger my vindictive god of the Old Testament!!

[@Dream-bebe]

@@vanillabean7832 : I suppose the soul / spirit is what differentiates us from animals. But I find some animals are kinder than humans! And some humans are true monsters!!!

[@micahroberts8383]

I had to do a lot of breathing to regulate myself while listening. This was powerful. So deeply painful and also validating. I'm sorry for us both and I'm grateful to have found you.

[@leesharushing5849]

I listened to this with tears in my eyes. I was also homeschooled and am currently deconstructing. Thank you for sharing your journey. It is helping me along mine 💕

[@PB-dq9gi]

I found your KZbin channel and have been healthy binging on your videos. Thank you for your courage, honesty and for being vulnerable in this video. You are a good person, contrary to many of the Christians you have been surrounded by for decades, and the few comments here. They are brainwashed, just as we were. I am a woman in my 60's and have been evolving for quite a while. I have been changing my beliefs and asking questions about my own life. After 50 years, I have left fundamentalist, evangelical and charismatic Christianity. Change can be difficult and scarry. It is also satisfyingly and freeing. I am horrified and terrified by the fascist, racist, Nazi, anti-intellectual, anti-science, anti-vax, Q-Anon, and other conspiracy-theorists, anti-gay, anti-Semitic, Christian-Nationalist, extreme-right, woman-hating, anti-democratic etc...forces trying to gain control over our county (and the world). My husband told me over 20 years ago that if I left him I was "going to hell," and if I killed myself I was "going to hell." After years of belief-control and financial neglect and abuse, I am questioning whether I want to stay with him. But I have been a stay-at-home wife raising children for over 30 years and am totally financially dependent. I would lose my home and don't know how I could survive. I don't have job skills and have I have some physical ailments now. Employers don't want old people. My husband feels he is entitled to not get a job while our money runs out. He doesn't care about the extreme physical and mental health damage this is doing to me. The husband in traditional Christian authoritarian teaching is unaccountable for and enabled in his abusive and/or neglectful behaviors. I would even say this teaching inevitably produces power-abusing males. My husband has always said "It's MY [his] money!" and "You'll NEVER be able to leave me..." and I can't. That makes me feel suicidal. The "husband's love your wives like Christ loves the church" stuff is really non-existent and fictitious. Bill Gothard's cultic teachings and practices, including the umbrella-of-authority teaching is evil and it has thoroughly dominated most of American Christianity. But absolute power corrupts absolutely, and many Christian men have been corrupted by it in their thinking, words and actions. Their "fruit" is rotten. I am now attending a progressive Presbyterian church, which I like. I won't say "liberal" because the right loves to "own the libs," and they won't own me anymore. Yes, I still love Jesus. It's important to state this about the far-right, who are dominating so much of our politics and Christianity--they DO NOT own the cross or the flag, and it is important that we state this belief and take a stand against their beliefs! Also, I have a question: Does your husband's beliefs align with yours?

[@kevinmoses4201]

**Geez, this turned into a rant. tl;dr this video made me think about how my lack of religious trauma and relatively progressive faith upbringing has made my own faith deconstruction a much slower gentler process.** This was a beautiful video that very honestly showed you're journey out of the faith. It really struck me in its contrast to my own faith evolution. I grew up Christian, but by no means fundamentalist, so as I've deconstructed pieces of religious teachings I was given as a kid, I've not associated that with a history of trauma. Even when I came to beliefs that conflicted with my family and elders regarding faith, I have felt much fear of rejection. Every time I've reexamine my faith, I've been able to adjust my thoughts on hell (don't believe it exists), sin, homosexuality (100% not a sin), gender roles, etc., I still come back to the positive and encouraging spirit I received from various churches throughout my life. So I've continued calling myself a Christian, and just accepted that I think my faith works for me, and that doesn't mean it necessarily works for anyone else. And for years, that has been my comfortable place. Recently I got engaged and one of the biggest things between my fiancée and I is the issue of faith. I've never been bothered by her being an atheist, given my "live and let live" philosophy. And she isn't upset I'm a Christian, but she is much more antagonistic towards religion and thus can't understand why I would continue to align myself with it. We've had a few heated discussions with her trying to get me to pin down what and why I believe. These conversations have sparked a new round of faith introspection and I'm currently not sure where I'll land.

[@JM-ot8ux]

What yo'u're responding to is the social support you find in churches. Everyone is warm and welcoming at the door. People ask after your health. There's cookies. There's music. The preacher is helpful and nice and doesn't talk too much about Not Sinning. He's actually more like a personal coach, isn't he? And it's all smellgood people doing nicegood things, who doesn't like that? But that's not about God. That's about good feelings with other people who are practicing being good to each other. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's not God doing it.

[@kirstencorby8465]

Having these journal entries to reflect on gives your channel a depth that some others don't have. To see the difference from then to know, and the evolution of your ideas. You're a good writer. Try some fiction.

[@rethinkingjesus]

I love your line tword the end " I will just keep deconstructing till there is nothing left, but there is still Jesus". In my experience when we deconstruct all the doctrines we were taught, accepted and became our identity we go back to being like a little child again. Like we were before we adopted the passed down beliefs. This is what Jesus says we must do in order to enter the kingdom of heaven. I went through the process of deconstruction and found Jesus is still there and so much more beautiful without all the adopted dogma attached. Beautiful video!

[@iwilldi]

Jesus still needs a saviour... ggg

[@niteotter]

So beautiful. I’m 71 and I could have written that journal myself. And I miss Oregon. We lived there for 8 years. We have been together almost 40 yrs. and I don’t regret a day of them. Sometimes I miss the rituals that accompany Catholicism, but the words and meanings are hollow. Real light and love belongs to us all. 🙏🏻, beautiful soul. ❤️🏳️‍🌈

[@AGASHBAALAH]

It’s very freeing once you’ve gotten all of this groundwork out of the way. I’m sorry your deconstruction was so painful for you. Mine was a relief, almost like a ragged inhale of fresh air.

[@kristinccha]

You are such a great writer! I really appreciate you sharing all this and how reflective you are

[@Intrepiddabbler]

I subscribed yesterday. I have binge-watched almost all of your videos this weekend. While I have no plans to abandon Christianity, I absolutely connect w your journal diaries and so much of your experience...especially the guilt for everything. In the last couple years, I started to realize that boundaries are necessary instead of "sacrificing myself" in order to make others happy or to somehow "save" them through my example of always giving. One-sided relationships---unless we knowingly enter them as such---are harmful and NOT a way to "honor God". If people have already disposed themselves to not like us for whatever reason, no amount of "Christian modeling" is going to change their mind about us or God. Instead they continue to just see us as chumps and continue to take advantage while we have the unreasonable expectation that they will somehow have a change of heart, and all our suffering until then will have been "worth it". Ridiculous. I found a lot of comfort in an idea that I read a couple years ago: It is the Holy Spirit's responsibility--NOT mine--to bring people to God. Thanks for your channel!

[@yeetymcneety]

I never thought of Hell in this way before, but your view makes sense! If God and Jesus love everyone, why threaten us with eternal damnation? I left my Nazerene Christian faith 5 years ago, and it lead to near constant self disovery. I identify as genderfluid because my gender has changed throughout the years, staying in that faith hindered me. I denied my queerness in gender and sexuality, I didn't wholly love my friends because I looked down on them for their queerness. I have little respect for Christians that aren't progressive/left-leaning, because it's the conservative views that traumatized me, and still do to this day.

[@auroraasleep]

This was quite an emotional journey. Once upon about 7 years ago my little cousin (who as far as I know is still fundi) made a comment about how she was glad to get to know me as an adult, and how she was also glad that I didn't dress in black anymore, which I thought was a really odd thing to say because I just didn't happen to be wearing black that day or the last time she had seen me. I asked her to unpack that thought and she said that black was evil, and I was like "A--, black is just an object that is all the colors, it's not good or evil, it just is." and then she told me about how she wrote my name on her church wall and prayed that Jesus would find me, and my jaw kinda dropped. I couldn't imagine doing something like that to another person - essentially casting a magic spell at them and subverting their own free will. It wasn't the last time we spoke, but we haven't spoken in years. Yes, I'm binge watching your channel (sick today, and you are very worth my time when I can't do much else).

[@kaitlynejones]

This is absolutely amazing that you can reflect on this through journal entries. I’ve been through the same thing over the years, just not written down. This is powerful. Thank you for sharing ♥️

[@terendril]

As an advid journaler, this spoke to me on the deepest level... I wrote so very much like this.

[@thykingdomcome4241]

I resonate with this so deeply that if I didn't know better, I'd think I wrote this myself. No words. Just, thank you ❤.

[@indianlakeohio1050]

Wow Elly, Really great video. Your journal writings have served you so well in your journey. Someday you should use your journal content to write a novel. I would buy that book. Keep up the great work. Your videos have helped in my personal deconstruction process.

[@melissacalderon1515]

This is beautiful..so raw and real..thank you for being vulnerable with your journey in your faith..I’m not going to lie being 10 years walking with God I find myself at times wondering and figuring out my faith..I still Belive in God but i think sometimes we wonder everything we taught from our family, our friends and church is it right..we should come to our own choice not people telling us what to do..this faith journey is personal choice..

[@katherineg9396]

How beautifully you've expressed yourself, and as I read the comments i see how your words resonate with and comfort many others. You're helping so many. ❤ to you and them.

[@MariaSolovyova2023]

I'm so glad I've found your channel. I stopped going to church about a year and a half ago. Although I come from a different background (Russian Orthodoxy), many things are recognizable. Thank you so much❤.

[@kenny995]

Thank you for sharing your story ❤. So much is relatable. I grew up going to church because my parents did, personally I never really got into it. I spent the majority of my life filled with guilt because I questioned faith and didn't fully believe. I always had this looming fear of "if I don't believe then you will go to hell" and so I forced myself to believe. Recently I've learned to let go of that fear and institutionalized guilt and found myself identifying as agnostic for sure now. As it turns out, my siblings all feel the same as well.

[@kathleendinsmore7588]

This is powerful. I'm so glad you wrote down what you were going through. This is affirming. I went through many of the same struggles to the conclusion of how important it is to be true to oneself. Many Christians will balk at such a statement but how can you truly be there for anyone else if you aren't tuned in to who you are?

[@GameLeaderR]

Such an amazing story. Thanks for sharing your experience with us and I hope you are doing better after becoming Atheist. It's always fascinating to hear so many people stop believing in God way before they stop gearing Hell (myself included.)

[@Cheese-is-its-own-food-group]

This is amazing! This is almost exactly the way my deconstruction has gone. I grew up with religious parents. Well, my mom. My dad went to church to look better because he was having affairs but he had no clue that he was seen as a huge hypocrite. My mom truly believed and still believes. So many similarities.

[@hobocode]

That was so powerful. I'd love a video on exploring the terror of hell after leaving. Even if you don't believe, it can still exist. A paradox.

[@iHabika]

Thank you for sharing these. This is almost identical to my journey of deconstruction. Hell was a huge fear

[@womflamemanboy]

Thank you for sharing this. I cried through the whole video because it felt like you put my own experience and feelings into words. I struggle to articulate what losing my faith and leaving Christianity feels like, and this feels like you’ve told my story. I could relate to everything you read, at each and every stage. I’ve been watching so many of your videos and I find them so comforting. I’m grateful to people like you who have gone down this road before me and are sharing your experience. It feels less lonely. Thank you. All throughout this video I heard a beautiful and loving heart wrestling and breaking free from the confinement of narrow beliefs. And it gives me reassurance that people are good, kind, genuine and loving. Not sinful and depraved like I was taught. I have struggled to journal in the past, because I would judge what I wrote down on the page. But, I think I’ll give it another try. It might help me to get to know my own heart.

[@dvonzosch461]

That's an excellent soundtrack from 'Hooksounds' for your video ; it's uptempo and positive, and in keeping with the path of freedom and growth that you're on.

[@WillowGardener]

That was both fascinating and moving. It's so interesting to see a kind, intelligent person struggle against and break out of brainwashing. I was raised very secular, so I've never had much personal experience with things like this, and this is really helping me to understand why the religious right is the way it is. It helps me empathize with people I used to think of as bigoted bumpkins, and gives me hope for the future.

[@jessica153]

I was raised with a baptist minister dad. I’m 39 now and deconstructed 3 or so years. But I still struggle with shame, perfection, and never feeling good enough.

[@MiyukiShiroitori]

i've been watching ur videos lately and i think it's because i feel like i am very similar to you in many ways, in personality and world view. it's also made me feel even more sure than ever that a person either gets comfort from religion or they do not. like u can't make anyone truly feel and believe in spirituality and higher power, if they don't have the kind of mind that embraces it. i've never felt that draw to believe truly in a god, and i'm glad i was raised in a very casually christian home where i wasn't required to believe.

[@XenonTetrafluoride]

Well, I cried for a lot of this, both because you literally were saying things I know and have felt (the doubt, the guilt, the shame, the “It hurts, Jesus,” the desperate feeling like you just want things to end - I literally did not realise that I wasn’t alone in having been in that mindset), and because you were talking about rocking your daughter, and in that same year, I was pregnant 🫄 with my only son, and…that was a very hard pregnancy (hence, my only son, and…yeah, I had wanted more than one child, but no part of my body agreed on that). You write so well, even when you’re just journaling.

[@BlackSunJamie]

Your words are so beautiful! I feel so many of those same things now as I am reworking my relationship with my faith and my church. Thank you for sharing your journey and your heart. ❤️

[@sophiameneely694]

I realize this isn’t the point of this very important and emotional video, but I love seeing HMB and Mavericks 💕🌊

[@npfield]

I deconstructed because I wasn’t willing to give up my sexuality for Christianity . Because I was indoctrinated with fundamentalist teachings I could not settle with a watered down version of Christianity . It was either believe jn the bible as it was written or discard my whole faith . I went with the latter and my mental health and well-being has improved immensely. Your journal writings so remind me of the thoughts that I wrestled with, the anger, the fear, the total frustration . It has led me to conclude religion bejng forced upon innocent children is evil and should be banned , although I know this could never happen. I feel sorry for the kids who are bejng indoctrinated and yet another generation will have to go through the mental anguish that we have endured .

[@guylarcher6005]

You are an amazing young woman. I have taken the time to watch most of your videos. I am very surprised to learn that our experiences are so similar. Like you, the experiences of religious trauma have stayed with me for 30 yrs now. You have so perfectly articulated your thoughts and feelings. I wish you health and peace.❤🏳️‍🌈

[@dvonzosch461]

@ 15:50 Those Fundamentalists who would reject you because of your changed beliefs, practice *conditional love* ; they never were your _real_ "brothers and sisters in Christ", as their acceptance of you, as a person, is based on ONLY one of the 4,900 interpretations and versions of Christianity, that claims to be the One True Religion ™

[@dvonzosch461]

@Janaina Ribeiro Yes, what political party was Jesus favoring when he answered Pontius Pilate at when he declared: " My kingdom is not of this world ..." And, also " to feed the hungry..." -- which the *R* opposition party never, ever, has passed legislation to benefit the middle class and working class to become law. Only Dem Congresses and Presidents have enacted all the social safety net programs, and all the Civil Rights legislation since the parties switched platforms after 1912, that Americans use on a day to day basis.

[@aprylsaurusrexx]

I love these journal entry videos. I watched one of yours where you said you were looking for this exact thing when you started questioning your faith and didnt find one. I love that you have given this gift to others knowing someone else may be looking for the same thing. Youre awesome Elly. Thanks for sharing your story.

[@KellyTawni]

This was so compelling. Thank you.

[@Steffers4224]

Thank you so much for sharing this.

[@GingaNinjaTV13]

I resonate so hard with being jealous of how others faith seemed so effortless

[@cedricburkhart3738]

Wow that's really interesting. I was never able to really journal. My thoughts usually don't go well on the page. It really does huminz people who I disagree with to hear there storyes. I hope people can avoid trampling on or harming people they disagree with but I'm afraid to that people only become more bitter with time.The fear and confusion of not knowing what you believe can really change how you view other people who you disagree with.

[@charisday3846]

This is beautiful. I’m so glad you kept these journals

[@malus7452]

I just got from church (catholic) and needed this. I thought a lot about my beliefs and I no longer feel like a believer at all. It’s weird, Bible sounds almost real but also its description of God tells me it’s either false or God is not good. Bible just seems as a collection of jewish mythology, and I hope it’s not true. Btw luckily I found a church online that alligns with my views, it’s Unitarian Universalist church and it seems interesting, they don’t enforce any specific belief system and anybody is welcome so any faith-losing christian who misses sunday services, I recommend you to take a look at them :)

[@leslieyancey5084]

I so love your honesty, sincerity and humility. You have such a beautiful soul!

[@kris9259]

Aside from the completely meaningful content You are also a really good writer.

[@Kohana07]

The first seven minutes hit very close to home. I still consider myself as a Christian but I’m not as religious as I use to be. I don’t go to church and probably won’t for a very long time. For me living under a close relative’s roof that’s still very deep into Christian just remind of how my view point on a lot of things changed. I was talking to a friend and told her as silly as it sound, it took me a while just to be comfortable in woman shorts that sit above the knee and wanting to change my style since I don’t care about what men think or weather or not another Christian consider me one or not.

[@hollywashburn5125]

❤️❤️❤️ This was soooo relatable! I so wish I would’ve kept a journal during my deconstruction. It would’ve sounded just like this. I started deconstruction in 2020 and since then I feel like I have found all the deconstruction stories on KZbin but then I always find more lol but I really appreciate the way you put this video together and I haven’t seen something like this before so thank you. It was so validating ❤️ I’m not sure if you talk more about being queer in other videos but I did see the one where you talked about growing up you loved animals and going to your friends house and seeing the wall of reptiles and snakes. I think you said you identified as a tomboy? You also gave a definition of queer that I hadn’t heard before and it made me start to wonder that about myself. I’d just like to know how else do you relate to being queer? Like, what does that mean to you?

[@Dream-bebe]

You are brave and courageous! You are beautiful. 😍 I wish you love and peace!

[@justpeachy4393]

I feel like this is me at the moment. I still consider myself a Christian but I relate to all the questioning. Some things have happened over the past few years that really rattled me...

[@jesilynmc]

Your journal offers a very interesting insight to a mind struggling with faith. I went through similar, though my family wasn't fundamentalist they are very conservative. I struggled with this in the early 2000s around age 13-14 when I realized I am bisexual. I went through a period of deep shame. Ultimately I couldn't understand why a relationship between two consenting happy people would condemn them to hell the same as murderers and rapists. I actually had an argument with my mom over it bc she said it was just as bad as those things. I'm still not out to her. Also just knowing how many individual little sects there are even within similar religions all believing THEY and only THEY know the truth... I could not reconcile that. So I denounced Christianity. One show that sucked me in and offered me healing was the Good Place. It's based around an idea of heaven and hell but it's just the Good Place and the Bad Place. No God. It's a very philosophical show but also very funny. One thing that I had never understood is how my mother believes people need God to be good people. I disagree. And the main thing about the show is if people can become better people. Anyway I'm having a hard time putting into words why it was so healing for me, for those who are still very traumatized by religion it may be triggering I'm not sure. But it is very thought provoking and funny for people like me who struggled with a lot of the same or similar questions the show asks.

[@jeanieolahful]

Kinda crazy that people base their whole lives on a book they need others to interpret in order for them to understand it. How convenient.

[@TheKatietwin2]

This was such a beautiful and powerful video, thank you

[@phillatella6470]

Please reply to this as I am 100% with you but I'm totally confused with what you mean by there is still Jesus. What does that mean? Who is Jesus? What do you believe?

[@chimeracrimson8403]

Awesome.

[@lawtonbrewer4107]

Very powerful indeed.

[@ferencercseyravasz7301]

There's a lot of honest wisdom here, thanks for sharing it. The notion of a hell made me too sick. And then, to make a small detour of one of your own questions: God creates some imperfect beings. Gives them a test that they're bound to fail. God could have no doubt about that. Punishes them for failing it Says that we inherited their nature and it's the "original sin" that we are all guilty of by default. Yet in all common sense nobody is guilty of their nature. Nature is not a sin. Sins are by definition deeds. Also, he created our nature, we never had the choice to be perfect. And that's the sick logic of our "sinful nature". Thus the Christian story of salvation is similar to that of a teacher who fails an entire class of students before they could even take the test, simply because he decides that none of them has any aptitude for the subject. Then he changes his mind, fails his own perfectly gifted son who also has the perfect test score, and tells the class that they will pass if they accept the failure of the son (which is supposed to please the teacher's righteous anger and sense of justice), accept that they aren't worth shit and beg for mercy. Generally speaking the Bible is so unbelievably ambiguous and bad about communicating anything, so wrong about a ton of facts and so useless when it comes to the most important questions, so inconsistent about core issues, that one is bound to ask: if an omnipotent being chooses such a horrible means to communicate his will, isn't he off his rocker? And when you realize how cruel, tyrannical and callous he is (especially towards children and women), you're even more repulsed by him. Throughout the Old Testament God murders children on a whim or just to prove a point in arguments that to a sane mind sound like the quarrels of some 3rd graders. The only way to keep any faith in a god is to assume that if there is indeed such an entity, it has nothing to do with the way he is described in that book.

[@UncleFrosty]

This is a long-winded and sorta rambling post…slight CW, homophobia, religious trauma, mentions of torture. At the end of this video, I did have the same struggles with my faith that you had. The fact that there was such a disconnect with my faith and my beliefs and views of the world scared me. The sinfulness of natural things that I couldn’t control made me sick when I first heard about them as a teenager. My bisexuality-now pansexuality-was inherently sinful and brought black men away from God, said a person I used to look up to. There was a godly reason why the black man was black and the white man was white. Racist slavery is in the Bible and it was justified for hundreds of years, and I’m guessing that was one of them. I was raised in a black baptist church but was exposed to quite a bit of evangelical bile as well. I couldn’t help that I liked all genders. I couldn’t help that I want equality for everyone. I couldn’t help to be annoyed by Christians coming up to people, and knocking on the doors of unsuspecting people and prostelyzing (I know I butchered that)-I remember the one time I went to the evangelical camp and they wanted kids that were 8-16 to talk about jesus to a high crime area and basically the people who weren’t from there were scared shitless. I remember going to see the Passion of the Christ, against my will mind you, and I still have fucking flashbacks from that. I don’t like violence (I’m a love and light Pagan now), and that may have been the most violent thing I have ever seen. I wanted to leave the movie. But, I stayed because “this is what you did to him, so this is what you have to see!” I was baptist. I don’t know how extreme that they can get, but they can, and will, get even more extreme. They made me feel like my whole life, spiritual, secular and my sex life was wrong. I struggled with this for a few years until I just had to rip the band aid off. I’m going to Hell anyway just because of my existence so find a path that was more in line with my views. I didn’t become an atheist, but I share a lot of the same views of one, and it opened my eyes. I appreciate you because you struggled like I did with faith, and were delivered from the chains of being fully indoctrinated. Thank you for your story. I’m so glad that I was not alone. I’m going to end here because my story with the church can go on for pages and pages.

[@hamsternellie5988]

Omg im crying

[@yoodeet6338]

Very impressive

[@dreekandnemchern8641]

I can relate

[@tamie7974]

There is no way that someone can follow all the rules of extremist faith groups...they cant even keep them theirselves no one is perfect...these "men of God" has a condescending privilege to get up on their alter and shout out what the congression is doing wrong...we are all imperfect these rules has hurt so many...I'm 42 and just realized this...so sad what religion does...

[@MC-tl5bf]

youre a really gpod writer

[@Dr_Klops]

This ist heartbreking to hear. How abusive treat of belief is destroying personalities. And then is named Christian. That has nothing to do with Christianity. But I'm also confused with the title - You can only be either agnostic or atheist. Never agnostic atheist. I myself would also identify as atheist. Is it youre history that makes you think, that agnosticm is atheism?

[@caitlinhogan5258]

It’s a bit of a semantic point but you can be both, in fact the majority of atheists (myself included) are technically agnostic atheists because they don’t claim to know, with 100% certainty that there is no god, as it’s an unknowable, unfalsifiable thing, they just don’t believe in god/s. I mean, I think the likelihood of a god existing is functionally 0, but could an all powerful being that was deliberately making it appear like they don’t and couldn’t exist actually exist? sure I guess. It’s overwhelmingly unlikely and I don’t know why anyone would live their lives based on that assumption but from a philosophical standpoint, that tends to be the technical reason most atheists consider themselves agnostic atheists as opposed to gnostic atheists (gnostic meaning knowledge/knowing). There is a subtle difference between not believing a thing is true, and knowing that it isn’t. It’s similar to how science never claims to a have “proven” a theory, only that the theory is the one best supported by the evidence (even when the evidence is overwhelming). I also think that all agnostics would technically also be atheists as well because agnostic means not knowing if god/s exist, and atheist means not believing in god/s. From my point of view believing equals knowing and so if you’re not sure you then you still don’t believe. But I could be wrong about how that’s generally interpreted by people who actually identify as agnostic but not atheist. Personally I always just call myself an atheist cause the agnostic part is kind of redundant when that’s pretty much within how atheism is usually defined anyway, and because agnosticism can give the impression of being on the fence about it, or seeing it as a 50/50 chance and that’s very much not how I feel.

[@Dr_Klops]

@@caitlinhogan5258 Thank you for the response. But as I understand atheism it is the belief in the nonexistance of god. Agnosticism is the doubt of the existance and therefore the aknowledgement of a possibility. This means agnosticism is always related to any possible religion, and atheism is the denying of it. This is why I think both are exclusive of each other.

[@caitlinhogan5258]

@@Dr_Klops That’s ok, and that’s a fair enough interpretation. I personally wouldn’t define atheism as a belief in there being no god, but as a lack of belief in god or any deities. (“A” meaning no, and “theism” meaning belief in god/s). But I can see how you could see that as being the same thing, given that you can also believe something based on evidence, or lack of evidence, rather than faith and by that definition atheism could be called a belief. (I think many atheists dislike this cause many theists tend to call atheism a "belief" in the religious sense). I also haven’t really seen agnostic be defined as doubting the existence of god/s (although that's kind of part of it) but as not knowing, and believing that it can’t be known if god/s exist. I can see how you can still interpret them as incompatible but regardless “agnostic atheism” is a thing, and is how many atheists technically define themselves so I think that’s probably what’s Elly’s basing it on.

[@Dr_Klops]

@@caitlinhogan5258 Yes, that makes sense - and I don't assume we all will at anytime come to unified definitions. And I think this assumtion should lead us to the conclusion that there can't be a definite right or wrong. Which should again result in a kind of respect, that is lacking the more, the fundimentallier it gets. Independent of all kinds of fundamentalism, be it religious or political.

[@quercus4730]

Jesus is the way you believe he is. Works for everyone that believes.

[@Kowalskianalysis52]

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13

[@bunnymomjulie6719]

You can still love Jesus and not want to deal with the PEOPLE who ruined it for the world. xoxo

[@DJHastingsFeverPitch]

Everything she expressed throughout this entire thing was trying and trying and trying to hold on to her belief and love for Jesus and it was mostly about that.

[@valerielinares2068]

As a woman of faith myself, this video hurts my heart because it is very clear that the abuse you suffered as a child in a religious household actually chased you away from God. I'm not blaming you, but your dad. This is what happens when parents refuse to answer valid questions and concerns about their children's faith. And if the parent doesn't know the answer, they should be willing to go on the journey with their child to find the answer together. I am so sorry that your dad refused to nurture your spiritual journey. What's ironic is that if he was so sure that what he believed was true, then he wouldn't have feared questions to begin with. I don't think that means God isn't real, just that his faith wasn't as strong as he thought it was. I believe God is real. I believe that what the Bible says is true. And I think what messed you up wasn't God or Yeshua(Jesus), but rather it was the fundamentalist mis-teachings and abuse of Scripture that messed you up. I am so sorry this happened to you. I will be praying for you.

[@HishighnessMrL]

kzbin.info/aero/PLCTNr4WPOQ97bwf-ylpCDR9kxrsEpp0kl

[@HishighnessMrL]

If you are willing to test your faith please watch the videos in the playlist I just sent you

[@HurricanePatrick]

It's sad that you didn't get a true picture of who God really is, instead you got an image of who He is through your father. In terms of not having all the answers, the Bible itself says that there are things in this world that we will never have answers for.

[@amyyyamy]

How convenient!

[@joehinojosa8030]

Follow the Holy Spirit. He ALWAYS guides to Truth

[@TheWorldisInfinite]

Jesus will always love you sister. It saddens me your are adopting a worldview that has been around longer than Christianity, that has a God with an agenda planned in secrecy. All your trauma and suffering sucks but your situation or mine or the white perversion of Jesus, or slavery, supremacy , or countless interpretations won't change the truth. Your journey is far from over and I have had many of your issues on my heart. You are a dope writer.

[@DJHastingsFeverPitch]

This is an excerpt from from Robert Jay Lifton's book _Thought Reform and the Psychology of Totalism_ where he presents his 8 Criteria For Thought Reform which, I think, functions as informative commentary on what you've said here. This is criteria 7 *Doctrine over Person* "... For when the myth becomes fused with the totalist sacred science, the resulting "logic" can be so compelling and coercive that it simply _replaces the realities of individual experience._ Consequently, past historical events are retrospectively altered, wholly rewritten, or ignored, to make them consistent with the doctrinal logic... The same doctrinal primacy prevails in the totalist approach to changing people: the demand that character and identity be reshaped, not in accordance with one's special nature or potentialities, but rather to fit the rigid contours of the doctrinal mold. The human is thus subjected to the ahuman. And in this manner, the totalists, as Camus phrases it, "put an abstract idea above human life, even if they call it history, to which they themselves have submitted in advance and to which they will decide arbitrarily, to submit everyone else as well." The underlying assumption is that the doctrine - including its mythological elements - _is ultimately more valid, true, and real than is any aspect of actual human character or human experience._ "

[@crazeekids9744]

This has to be one of the saddest videos I have ever seen on KZbin. 😔 I hope you find your way back to God.

[@malloryjines5050]

She may have left God, but He won’t ever leave her. I think she may be blaming God for her dysfunctional earthly father and the sinful nature that is within ALL PEOPLE, Christian or not. I learned a long long time ago that people disappoint constantly, so I don’t look to people to teach me who Jesus is.