Two thoughts... 1. So much of this brings up lingering feelings of shame from childhood and gives me a STRONG desire to do it differently (though it is SUPER hard to do when shaming is your modeled parenting method.) 2. As a parent with 4 very young kids, one of whom is 2e neurodivergent, it feels extra hard to just let kids experience natural consequences...because sometimes we need everyone to cooperate in order for other family members to do what they want/need to do. I would love a video on how this looks with young kids and larger families...so if the oldest child has gymnastics but the younger children won't cooperate, we can't let the oldest have the consequence of being late...or we can't let one child hurt another. So many questions...and so eager to learn!
@Acts-13227 ай бұрын
It probably sounds silly to say this is such a wild, novel concept but it's so different from what our culture does with kids! No wonder those youngins go hog wild during college years
@jaws30507 ай бұрын
This is a good video and I think that the default should be collaborative and natural consequences it is important to also recognize that this understanding given a neurotypical person who doesn’t have executive disfunction. I haves ADHD and two boys one ADHD and the other ASD. Externalizing and artificial consequences setting are the tools outside of medication shown to work. In this example for my ASD son not having the artificial consequence of a bed time wound lead to him being tired and unable to even deal with a day of school, leading to a literal meltdown down and further social and scholastic consequences. Additionally we must be careful when we use natural consequence as a term as some use it as a synonym for moral consequence. I had a lot of trauma growing up as people pointed to a natural consequence of my ADHD as moral failing.
@bensabelhaus72887 ай бұрын
Bed time because school starts at 8am is the worst. Just so stupid forcing kids into the "9-5" (when was that a thing? It's the 8-6 and you better show up early and stay late now) slave schedule. Another 3 weeks of unnecessary anxiety until he can go back to his schedule.
@ParkrosePermaculture7 ай бұрын
My high school started at 7:20 AM. Setting teens up for failure from the get-go.
@bensabelhaus72887 ай бұрын
@@ParkrosePermaculture High school was a bit easier. I think I unschooled myself after freshman year and enrolled in the adult Ed program. Suddenly I was able study stuff that interested me. My 60's history class was fantastic. Teachers at that school didn't tell me I was mispronouncing words, they simply sounded out the parts and explained what the doodads over the letter meant for pronunciation. Elementary school was more like an indigenous boarding school. My hair was kept short my entire life as a result of needing to conform to a culture for survival as an undiagnosed autistic with verbal communication and processing issues. My tongue was stripped from me so I can roll my R's. I can do a great Chewbacca, but I can't pronounce words that I'm beginning to understand were my great grandmothers native language:( High school was still high school. But at least in the adult program I was able to actually learn. Ended up graduating 4 months early but still attended partial days until the end because I was enjoying the class on the 60's lol
@dayharper96377 ай бұрын
I have three thoughts: 1) I'm interested in the distinction between non-punitive (which I can be 100% on board with) and non-coercive. My understanding is that kids are not developmentally able to regulate their own emotions and behavior at a young age, just as they are not developmentally able to regulate their body temperature the way adults do. It seems like some degree of coercion is necessary for things like. . . not allowing kids to hit each other, or run with sharp objects? An 18 month old or a 3 year old should not be required to think through consequences or engate in verbal reasoning in order to maintain their safety. You're too sensible to be suggesting that, but it's not clear to me what the difference is between that and the system you're describing. 2) How do you non-coercively handle situations like "kid has chosen to stay up super late, it is early the next day and the kid wants to skip an obligation (like a doctor's appointment) that will cause negative impact on you, the parent"? What about where kids want to do things that are actually dangerous? 3) I recently read (and was absolutely blown away by) the parenting book "Good Inside." TBH, if there were one book I could enocourage every single adult in the world to read or have read to them, this would be it. It is the best manual on how to be kind to other human beings I've ever seen, and is relevant to so many situations outside of parenting. One concept it offers is that behavior is a symptom at the top of a pyramid--the foundation of the pyramid is connection, and the next layer up is emotional regulation, and without those two supporting layers, positive behavior is just not going to show up. I'm really interested in how you supported your kids in connection and emotional regulation, rather than simply verbally reasoning with them and modeling positive behaviors and motivations. This book also talks a lot about how to raise kids who trust and listen to themselves, which I suspect is also something you know a fair amount about. I would be so delighted to get your take on it as a people-care resource, and to hear about similarities and contrasts between the system it proposes and the one you've used.
@RedScareClair7 ай бұрын
I look forward to these days and conversations. My kiddo is almost 3 and naturally wants to stay up late but I think she's too young to not govern her own bedtime. But I resonate with you saying you just laid in bed and didn't sleep. I was that kid. But I struggled to get out of bed so that's the downside.
@lgerha017 ай бұрын
As a mom to an almost four year old, this approach to bed time is really interesting. We currently lightly enforce a 7pm bedtime because my son's internal clock wakes him up by 6am no matter what. He's free to play in his room if he's not tired at night. I wonder if he just has a much lower sleep need than I do 😳
@joannakracher95077 ай бұрын
Ok, I have a question. I have a 6yo boy and I try to be a non-coeecive parent, but sometimes I run out of patience. You talk about natural consequences. What if our child makes choices and it's others that have to suffer the consequences? Siblings, parents, grandparents...
@emilymarthasorensen15167 ай бұрын
Angela, I have a question for you. I really appreciate your non-coercive parenting approach, and it's very similar to what I do with most of my children. But I have a daughter with low-functioning autism who has a great deal of cleverness and ingenuity, and the wisdom of a very rash toddler. We cannot trust that she will ever have the wisdom or judgment of an adult. She doesn't understand words. Unless we're incredibly strict, she puts her life in danger. What would you do in that situation?
@ParkrosePermaculture7 ай бұрын
Thanks for your question. I would personally say that folks raising kids with special needs should ask an expert. I feel like it's outside the scope of my experience to give advice on kids with unique needs and abilities. While Ruth is autistic and I think I can speak about my personal experience raising a daughter with lower support-need autism, I don't know that I have the ability to speak on your particular situation. She's lucky to have you as a mom thinking so conscientiously about raising her with safety and love and care!
@emilymarthasorensen15167 ай бұрын
@@ParkrosePermacultureI didn't know Ruth has autism! I can see that. :) Cool! If you're willing to talk about raising a child with high-functioning autism in a public setting, it may of value to make a video about it. Especially if you're allistic, and have found good ways to relate to a high-functioning autistic child. A lot of allistic parents seem to find it difficult to do that, and it may be helpful to see how you have. All my closest friends keep turning out to be autistic, including my husband, so I'm probably on the spectrum as well. I probably have ADHD, too; it runs strong in my family. I found out recently that people who have both tend to TEST negative for both, which would explain a LOT. I have always tested negative for both, despite the fact that I strongly relate to a lot of life experiences of people who have one or the other -- or, in the case of a lot of my friends, both. Anyway. Video topic, maybe? Your thoughts may be interesting.
@TrishHalterman7 ай бұрын
So, when the kids didnt want to go to thier early morning commitments, because stayed up late.. did they still have to go? What if they resisted going? How is that type of behaviour handled? I struggle with this. I can easily do the "think about the consequences" but its the next day when its time to go to the commitment, and they wont do the commitment?
@Acts-13227 ай бұрын
I think she was clear by saying they still had to honor their commitments and wake up early regardless... she even said "they'd have to slog through it"
@ParkrosePermaculture7 ай бұрын
I think this is where I probably should have talked more about authoritarian v authoritative. "We're going to go now, I know that's hard for you to get going, but we do need to leave now". or "It's ok to be upset and cranky but you can have those feelings in the car while we go to the appt". or even "What do you need right now in order to be able to get in the car?" there's no punishment, but there's also not acquiescence and also we ask the kids (when they're old enough) to participate in the process of sussing out what would help them get over the hump in order to get out the door.