My Story - Growing Up With Autism Spectrum Disorder

Resources I Have Used Frequently:
1. 7cups.com
A website where you can be paired with random people who will listen to your problems and walk through them with you. As well, you can be paired with trained therapists.
2. [e-mail]
This is an e-mail address I have used for years. Trained professionals will respond to your e-mails within 24 hours and offer resources ideal for your circumstances.
3. Coaches
The link included below will take you to a video I did recently. In it, a "coach" named John Tucker speaks about the benefits of coaching and how coaches will be matched according to your specific diagnoses and issues. I also speak about how helpful John has been as my personal coach.
• Coaching: A Great Reso...
4. Distress Centres
Sometimes you might need to call a suicide hotline, but at other times you just need somebody to hear you out on the phone; somebody who will refer you to services you could use, or maybe just somebody that will listen. I know most of viewers don't live in Canada, like I do, but if you are looking for a service like this, I recommend visiting this website, getting in contact with them, and they will refer you to a similar service near your location.
www.torontodistresscentre.com/
5. Helplines
maxderratproductions.godaddys...

[@maxderrat]

Like/Dislike Ratio (as of December 12th, 2021): 1226 Likes/19 Dislikes

[@thc_freebaser]

the fact that anyone could dislike this is a goddamn travesty. I sincerely hope for the good of those peoples' hearts that it was a misclick.

[@Kyle_00]

@@thc_freebaser yea, I'm guessing some _dislike_ genuinely good videos simply to spite the creator.

[@Kyle_00]

@Ser Frog yea same, i always balance it out with a _like_ when that happens

[@usualdosage7287]

@@thc_freebaser well ppl say alot worse of those with autism on a daily, can't expect that much good from this world

[@maktoumsaeed]

Thanks for a fantastic video. Numbers shouldn't worry you. They will never reflect the thoughts or reactions or consequences in the lives of the viewers/listeners. Remember that and keep doing what you do best : Imspiring others to do better.

[@joshuacarre06]

I have autism so it is interesting seeing the expiriences of other people on the spectrum

[@captindo]

The only people in my life with ADHD are my wife, kids and myself, so hearing someone else's account of how utterly annoying it is to focus on one thing without Smash Mouth's Allstar playing in the back of my mind lol. Thanks for making these videos, speaking of which I should get to watching it.

[@captindo]

@@thotslayer9914 Any indication that I gave said otherwise? Curious about the comment since I don't know you which is giving me some stalker vibes to be honest.

[@captindo]

@@thotslayer9914 Your name implies your a sick person and your trying to gain information from me about my family. I'm done commenting and reporting you.

[@hanshasntshoweredsince8590]

Autism in the comment section 🤡 The industrial revolution was a mistake. Don‘t vaccinate your kids, folks.

[@usualdosage7287]

@@thotslayer9914 y wound he not be? Pathetic troll

[@iwannabethekid34xc]

Holy shit, your words about being raised in a middle class home being used as justification for psychological manipulation and abuse really hit close. You're an awesome KZbinr and im glad I clicked on this video. I had no idea how relatable folks on the spectrum are to guys like me who suffer ocd and add. My brother has been Asperger's and I couldn't help but consider him just a rude asshole, but I know that's wrong, it's not fair, it's just hard to not see it that way when he has an "Asperger's moment" around me.

[@PhilFromTheAbyss]

Ever since I got my autism diagnosis everything is making so much more sense to me, and I am a whole lot more self-accepting. Thanks for everything you do, Max!

[@makefoxhoundgreatagain842]

I'm in the process of getting one, how long did it take?

[@PhilFromTheAbyss]

​@@makefoxhoundgreatagain842 It depends. I had three evaluation sessions in total, and I got my diagnosis in the third. But I heard it may take up to 6.

[@makefoxhoundgreatagain842]

@@PhilFromTheAbyss ah, how many years /months was that in total?

[@PhilFromTheAbyss]

@@makefoxhoundgreatagain842 All in all, it took about a month for me, if I recall correctly. It probably also depends on where you live/which country you do the assessment in, and whether you do it using the public health system or via a private organisation. I got mine done in Ireland with a private organisation. Apparently, using the public health system, getting everything done can take months or even years over here.

[@PickledThyme1]

That's great! I first learned I was autistic in 8th grade and all my quirks made a lot more sense. I was pretty mad at my parents for not telling me sooner lol.

[@triple5even]

Even after I got my official diagnosis Letter of having Aspergers, my Family just wasn't interested to learn what this means. Luckily, I am not depending on them. I always had to find my own way (and on my own) through things. When you talk about your past, your thoughts and feelings, I can relate to many things you say and I feel less alien. These Videos mean a lot to me. Thanks for making them!

[@iacreamz]

Thank You for all of the Autism related content. It has been really helpful for me and I love this community.Much love to all of my fellow aspies❤️

[@domonickmatheson5080]

I’m an aspie as well

[@leah-marie5031]

I'm from the UK and was diagnosed with autism when I was 9 years old. I just started university a couple of months ago studying illustration and I feel like it was a huge mistake and that I've just plunged myself into the deep end without thinking about it. I've done hardly any work since the amount of tasks they give us along with the deadlines are so overwhelming. I was supposed to be getting extra support from my tutors but I feel they don't really know how to help and that I'm just a nuisance to them. My hobby doing art just feels like slave labour now. They are terrible at explaining what we're supposed to be doing and asking them to go through what they just told us would be embarrassing and I'd feel pretty dumb. College was a much more comfortable environment for me, the classes were smaller and had a few other people with special needs in them. I got pretty good grades at the end of each year. Tutors were great at teaching too, even if I didn't realise at the time. They were certainly easier to get to know. If I could go back to college right now I most definitely would because I'm dead set on quitting uni. I thought I wanted a career in art but uni just makes me lose my passion for it. I guess university life just isn't for everyone. I don't even really know why I'm writing this comment as I don't usually open up to people, guess I just wanted to vent about it.

[@cloudbloom]

I hope you find a way to feel fulfilled in whatever passion you pursue, thanks for sharing✌

[@leah-marie5031]

@@cloudbloom thank you

[@olivermoran9319]

I've learnt that studying your passions academically destroys your interest in them. I learnt that when I went to uni to study filmmaking.

[@leah-marie5031]

@@olivermoran9319 you're right. I've actually thought about studying film, but then I don't think I'd want a career out of it and that's the same with my art.

[@jellewils3974]

This is a safe space. You get to vent here. Uni wouldn't have worked for me neither probably. I really benefitted from smaller classes and approachable sympathetic teachers as well, in my last study. There was also a lot of attention to and support for making plans of action/planning ahead/specifying project goals, BEFORE even starting projects. So, at least to me, you're making a lot of sense.

[@jeremyvos5473]

Wtf the ADHD school story is spot on from start to finish. Even skipping French class, my parents thought I was too lazy to follow hard classes. I only remembered answers to questions through flashes of words I read or a teacher echoing the answer in my head. Always had high grades except when I skipped classes. School didn’t teach me anything, actual labor and conquering social obstacles even with fear - me infinitely more.

[@xanoft5047]

I genuinely think I’m an undiagnosed high functioning autistic. I’m actually in the process of diagnosis and I want to give my many thanks to you, Max. If not for your videos on autism and the similarities I have with your experience I probably would’ve never figured out what was going on with me and just suffered in my own little hell. You’re helping so many here man and I can’t commend you enough for it. Thank you again.

[@anonsfunfactory6993]

No other relayed experience hit my center like this video. The similarities in life experience is staggering. I think to myself: FINALLY!! SOMEONE ELSE! Max, your channel and videos are a safe haven for me. (But please do NOT feel obligated to overexert, I would feel bad :C)

[@pseudodidact3956]

I’m still trying to find my identity after years and years of having to hide my autism. Having to conform to the neurotypical way of living turned me into a hollow shell that is devoid of opinion and anything confrontational. But with help from my therapist I’m learning to find myself again. Great video Max.

[@TheGb2132]

As someone who was diagnosed with Asperger syndrome, this hit me. I went through a lot of similar situations like a troubled relationship with my parents (despite them actually attempting to improve me in the end), serious suicidal thoughts, not getting adequate treatment for a long time etc. Life is still rough, but at least I'm starting to get into the flow of how society works, found out what I'm really passionate about besides video games, like math, physics, music etc., and although my life is still a bit of a mess, at least I'm making some measure of progress, and still have some ways of moving forward. Probably wouldn't have made it this far without the help of my supportive relatives, whom I also enjoy helping out when I can. Some advice for fellow people on the spectrum (this might sound quite pessimistic, but speaking from experience): Get things properly sorted out with your family if you're in conflict with them, be careful about who you reveal your diagnosis to (the word can spread behind your back, and some people might stigmatize you for it when you might not even know it), seek solutions for, and minimize, your quality of life issues before they have affected your life for too long, realize when people are trying to drag you down (despite having a "friendly", yet probably condescending attitude) and confront it, especially if they're actively making your life more difficult, and NEVER let go of your passions that can guarantee a solid career. Society holds on to those who can offer something of value in whatever way they might do it, and those who fall behind end up being the rejects, diagnosis or not. Also, even though it might not make things hopeless, turning your life around is going to take longer and longer the more setbacks you experience, and there's no worse setback than ending up at the wrong places for you and still spending time on them in hopes of turning it around. Just leave immediately, and realize that even when it's meant for people with your diagnosis, it doesn't guarantee that it will make things better for you. It might not actually be on your level, or the people in charge genuinely doesn't give a shit (have been to a place where the people in charge neglected people on the spectrum severely, and gave destructive advice that encouraged us to just not give a damn about our lives. Luckily I had too much experience and determination for them to grab unto me). Maybe I'm just rambling, but life can seriously be hard if you don't play your cards right. Not just with the difficulties of living with autism in itself, but also the discrimination you'll inevitably face, directly or not. Could even be through the system in subtle ways. Take control of your future, and realize that a normal and fulfilling life, rather than getting stuck in a living hell, cannot be taken for granted. Take care of yourself.

[@samnosce1080]

I don't have Autism or ADHD but I can relate to being a "people pleaser type" let alone know what it's like having a sibling/friend in the autism spectrum. It's comforting let alone informative that your content exist to better understand the spectrum perspective.

[@11111Garth]

This story sounds similar to my own life experience. I grew up privileged, had no skills going into university, lost my sense of passion, dropped out, had a breakdown, refocused my life after that point. This video was so helpful. Thank you.

[@HanaGabrielleBidon]

I'm autistic and an ADHD'er. I love that you talked your experiences being autistic and I'm glad that you're here to tell your story. Keep doing you.

[@ayanisss]

gosh, i've come a long way in recognizing that i am not a bad person for my failures and struggles as an autistic person, and it's changed my life, but i still struggle with my worth not being tied to how my life should have gone if i were just "normal" (accdg to other people). your channel has helped me a lot in reminding myself that we are all worthy just as we are. and your stories never fail to make me feel seen and understood. i'm really glad you're still here. and i'm really glad anyone who's reading this is still here. if the pressures of the world get too much, just be here. just keep being here on this earth and you will be found.

[@jumpingSpiders]

Thank you max for everything you’ve done your videos on autism are really helpful to me! Yesterday I went to a convention alone for the first and it was one of the most stressful things I’ve ever experienced in a long time, it was such an overwhelming experience from the sounds, the lights, the people, combined with my social anxiety it was a hellish time, if I didn’t know I had autism I would’ve blamed myself for being such a weak person, but thanks to the internet I know I’m not alone with my experience, if I was born before all these resources i don’t know what could’ve happened to me.

[@perversemite519]

I love ur mental illness videos Although I do not suffer from any mental illness You have opened my mind and eyes and by ur videos i could understand my friends and even strangers better. I thank u dearly

[@axelwolf2115]

You literally had me crying on this video, while it’s been a while since I’ve been in a bad corner of my mind, I do feel more hopeful after hearing your story.

[@Kcberettam9ner]

It,s like you,re talking about my childhood. Especially the inability to disagree and the forgetting the read page part. Meltdowns

[@wingset]

I needed this, man...

[@makefoxhoundgreatagain842]

Your profile name is glorious. 😂

[@goldsocks9999]

i dont know anything anymore. i dont know what is wrong with me just yet but this video makes me want to investigate more, yet i get scared and i bully myself into cages of silence. as i type this my whole body wants me to stop and keep my baby cries to myself.

[@juliocezarcosmedasilva8749]

I know what it's like to be an autistic person, because I'm one too... my case was a little earlier than I imagined, in High School (here where I live, Brazil, We have Elementary School for Children and Pre-Adolescents, Youth High School and Higher Education for Young Adults and Adults, I can't imagine how it works in the US). Basically, I identified with the first part of the story you told and something similar happened to me, except that in my case, suspicions started when I first became angry about why I argued with my sister over a cup of coffee I liked. After the exams, the world really cleared a little more for me... but my journey is still a storm in the middle of the sea. Thank God I have my family to take care of me and they really care, plus my faith (which I believe is one of the biggest factors in my still alive) in my Creator, which I know will continue to support me, on this journey called life.

[@zuffercanis6709]

I really appreciate this video for multiple reasons. As someone who isn't on the spectrum I am thankful to have resources (such as this video & others) to understand the experiences of those on the spectrum. I grew up ignorantly thinking that Chrischan was the definition of Autism or atleast they where the only representation that was widely available which we all know isn't even close to a accurate or whole representation of people on the spectrum. Having developed relationships with those on the spectrum it has helped me alot in ways I have a hard time articulating. We are all human we just process things differently which is okay but the more we express our experiences the more understanding and compassion we gain for one another. Sharing our humanity with other's creates bonds & I appreciate you sharing your humanity with us all. Much love to you, all your work & everyone reading this I'm happy you're here with us ZC❤

[@johnholmes6925]

Man, this hits home. My son was having daily outbursts in 1st grade and has amazing memorization skills and my wife said we need to get him tested and he has Asperger's and ADHD. Then my wife told me to get tested as my whole life has felt off, I'm 32 and was tested recently and I also have Asperger's and ADHD. I went through very similar upbringing that you did. I memorized all of school and anything that my brain said was trash was deleted. Still does too. I did have a massive depressive episode during college which I failed out of twice. But I'm glad you got the help you needed because I've always liked your philosophy and game analysis videos. Thankfully I have a wife that was there for my meltdowns and saw the signs, thankfully she was studying psychology while we were in college and was able to put it to use. To everyone else, I hope you all find that you had at least one person so stand by you and support you as I have finally found on my life. My parents still don't "believe" in autism despite mine and their grandson's diagnosis. But I have my friends and family and even my job has been supportive.

[@dlbyrd-gasca2730]

I'm sorry your parents, as you said don't "believe" in your diagnosis. My brother's sorta the same. He believes that I have AS, but I don't think he has a very good understanding of it, & that kinda makes things difficult. So I understand where you're coming from & I wish you the best of luck with your parents. I hope everything works out. Thanks for sharing your story man.

[@medeirosdez]

I cannot stress enough how much I relate to this video of yours and how deeply I feel for you. I wish I could meet you in person and hug you and say I understand every bit of pain you’ve felt so far, because I’ve felt them too. It’s been a year that I’ve found out about ASD and I’m now formally diagnosed. I’m pretty certain I also have ADD, but formally having that acknowledged is rather complicated and expensive here in Brazil. But I’m 33yo, man. My life in school and in college was exactly like yours. And I’ve always blamed myself for not having learned anything although the same memorization skills saved my neck and I eventually managed to graduate. The being tired of being tired, the feeling of guilt for all the symptoms and their numerous consequences, the disconnectedness from people and consequent loneliness, all about autism has time and again made me wonder if it wouldn’t be better just to give up on it all. But you’re absolutely right in that we have so much to live for. Let us appreciate life as we were blessed with and find peace in knowing that beautiful moments await us for years to come. We have one another, regardless of how near or far we are. We are not alone in this. Thank you for the time you put into making these videos. You are much appreciated. Cheers from Brazil!

[@FionaMV]

Great video, Max! Thank you so much! I am an undiagnosed autistic woman (aged 50) and your videos have helped me a lot! I will share this one with my (undiagnosed) son. I think it could be his key to understand what is going on! Keep up the good work! Lots of love from Germany!

[@yV__Vy]

I was and still am in tears from watching this video. It is incredibly relieving to see other people such as yourself who are also autistic and have the confidence to talk about your personal experiences being on the spectrum. I can’t say unfortunately that I’ll be able to do the things I truly want to do in life for now being under my parents still, however, this video here and many others of yours truly give me hope that my future is there and waiting for me. Thank you for making this video of yours, much love 💕

[@crabbuckets7506]

Thanks for the videos man. Today I was officially diagnosed as having anxiety and depression. It's good to finally have a name for what I'm feeling and your videos have helped in my search for answers. Thank you again and peace out.

[@Kyle_00]

I've been looking forward to a video like this. My sincerest thank you, Max. You make us feel normal.

[@timbo9644]

I can't thank you enough for this. Hearing so many similarities is incredibly validating. Thank you isn't enough.

[@DrySushi]

I haven't tuned in to much to your Autism content but do have a deep appreciation for it. I'm a caregiver, thirteen years going, and young adults with severe autism can struggle so much and it's so great when a peer can be a great self advocate and inspiration for others. Thank you for all your great content, hard work and advocating!

[@jacobbelow4136]

I am really looking forward to what you have planned in the future, Max, in regards to other KZbinrs whom you will be interviewing to get their input on ways that they cope with their various mental disorders. I am all-too-familiar with the reality of growing up and constantly feeling the need to be validated, so much so that we underestimate/undervalue the importance of being able to think for ourselves as individuals. When i was in school, I was always seeking approval and always cared more about staying out of trouble, rather than legit questioning or challenging the authorities. It was only as I got older and had more experience that I learnded that you can challenge someone's ideals but still do it respectfully. I understand the feeling of not actually LEARNING things effectively in school by means of the traditional school system, or being able to properly absorb subject matter that doesn't interest me. In fact, i feel that half of the reason I did so well in school and was able to internalize how to do math, science, and geography, is because my parents bought me a load of educational computer games to help me with that. It's why I can still remember so many science facts that I may never use in my life ever, but I still need help with understanding/managing money (not helped by the fact that filing taxes isn't something they bother to teach you in school, though it would be a valuable asset to helping make it more understandable). And I know the feeling of being berated so hard by authorities and not understand how my peers don't take it so much to heart. The best analogy that I've developed to illustrate that is imagining peers being like the Earth or some planet with an atmosphere that filters out all the radiation and burns away incoming debris, and then I'm like the moon or some naked body in space that is more exposed to all that radiation and is pockmarked with impact craters. As far as the subject of suicide, the most poignant quote I've heard on the matter is this: "Suicide doesn't take away the pain. It only gives it to others." And it's absolutely important to remember, when it seems like absolutely no one on the planet cares enough to help you through your problems or feels you're worth the time, there is someone else on the planet who feels the exact same way, and maybe destiny would have it that you cross this person's path, and you both end up being exactly the person that you need in each others' lives!

[@Undead38055]

You have no idea how much this video means to me. I was diagnosed with autism at a young age but I never believed I had it. In fact, they never told me as a kid. I was just put in a special Ed class and that was that. Eventually I asked why I was in that class in middle school and they told me it was because I had autism. I never understood what it meant and for some reason I never researched what it was. I never even asked. Probably thought it wasn't a big deal. Nevertheless, I continued going on with life until it was finally the time to reconsider if I had it or not. I took a test and I passed. They told me I didn't have autism anymore. Which doesn't make sense at all haha. I remember I used to love playing piano, making up stories (I still do today :3) and genuinely talking about biology and space science. I loved to research stuff that interested me. If it was history, I could go on for hours just looking stuff up and watching documentaries. I honestly think I might have autism. And even if I don't, you made me feel so much less alone then I did before this video. Thank you. It truly does mean a lot. Also sorry if this sounds like rambling hehe. It made me feel happy :)

[@theentity5201]

My situation was that my parents knew nothing about autism and thought it was me being a really bad kid. They kept using bad discipline tactics and never helped me, I wore them down until they gave up giving me bad punishments and gave in to me. My dad never loved me, I was an embarrassment to him, he thought I was a joke and never built me as a person, my mother never positively reinforced me. Now I'm just an angry kid for the rest of my life, nobody listens to me, I never listen to other people even if it's in my best interest and my life is hell. Because of autism, I never impressed the right people when I had to and I got shunned, disregarded and hated. My life is in ruin, I'm broken, depressed, eat myself to death and dont look at the future. I'm out of control and now my family are terrorized by me, for their failure and abuse of me. I cant get over not getting what I want, I'm religiously devoted to getting what i want at all costs. I can relate to your experience max

[@petarded8529]

Sounds solid. Get er done, bud!

[@youtubesucksdicks9474]

Thank YOU for bringing us some of the most in-depth Silent Hill deep dives among all the other work you do. I don't have autism (at least I don't think I do) but my heart goes out to you and everyone fighting the good fight. No one gets out of this life undamaged, but together, we can hope to make it meaningful.

[@jimurrata6785]

Thank you Max, for all you do and everything you are! I really appreciate your honesty and encouragement

[@lukeduhal1009]

Max - it's often conflict that forces us to grow, adapt, learn, and change - an "easy" life often makes us learn the wrong lessons because we're not forced to examine it, right? You are a gift to us all, and we appreciate you

[@rashidabdul3215]

Max, you've just retold my past, word for word. Only this time I got my Diagnosis much later and during a very dark and painful period. I took the plunge and sought out help on my own and it changed me into a different person. Now, I'm learning to accept myself with my flaws and strengths. I'm also learning to cope with different strategies to communicate and socialize on a daily basis. This feeling of inadequacy and unbelonging, these are the demons I'm trying to fight. They will always be there, lurking in the darkest pits of my soul. Like me, I hope you are able to accept yourself for who you are.

[@reds9791]

I also have autism. Thank you. I knew it couldn't of just been me.

[@mahaok1]

Great video max! Sucks the algo doesnt like the mental health stuff because honestly its really good and helpful! Been struggling a lot lately with autism stuff so once again its nice to get a reaffirming video like this to tell me im not alone (Also as someone currently playing through oblivion its really weird to see bruma in the skyrim engine lol. Thats a cool mod!)

[@kimberlee9608]

The journey you have through the years of not understanding you have a mental health issue, the breakdowns that follow until diagnosis, then there’s the mountain of psychiatrists and drug combos you must climb to reach wellness… it’s worth making it to the top when you see that the view is beautiful.

[@apathtrampledbydeer8446]

I do recognise a lot of myself in what you went through. I somehow managed to get through Uni though, I hated school and got some c's someb's and some a's. 2011-2012 were bad years... You are a legend, take care!!

[@LovelyPariah]

Thanks for sharing! Listening to these experiences made me realize that maybe I am on the autism scale…

[@JacksMelancholy]

Man, thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s so reassuring to hear that there are other people who go through similar trials and tribulations growing up and came out alright. I really appreciate these videos.

[@gerardocastillo8858]

I totally relate with you about hating school so much!! For me school life was like being o a colliseum. Fighting to not be bullied and the people who enojoyed watching the fights. But in the end that depression and problems dealt alone in darkness taught me how to shine in that massive abyss within me, and I'm still finding myself at my 30's. Thanks a lot for this great video.

[@Arayav]

OH. MY GOD. SIR. I CANNOT WAIT TO SHOW THIS TO MY FATHER. THANK YOU.

[@-lloygic-3565]

Very interesting video! I love learning more about people's internal worlds as it's more real (same reason I suspect you like hearing other people's stories). I understand on a personal level the way of suppressing emotions to the point of creating future problems in life (41 now). You mentioned in this video that you hated school, and I recall stories that you shared in other videos of the levels of frustration and meltdown you experienced at your Costco (I think it was Costco at least) job. I'm curious about this level of suppression that you've dealt with and also the quality of the life you're living now. Have you heard of Russell A. Barkley? In one of his conferences, he mentions off-handedly that ADHD when mixed with any learning disability is one of the only things positively correlated with psychopathy. I don't think you're a psychopath, you've expressed levels of empathy throughout your library of videos that tell me that you're more connected to and aware of your emotions than many normies. Hence my curiousity; do you feel that your conditions, as disadvantageous as they may have been initially, have been instrumental in becoming the remarkable person that you are today? What personal decisions or reactions do you feel brought the most strength out of you?

[@Browneyedbakedpotato]

Thank you so much for this, I just found your channel and I’m really looking forward to watching more of your videos.

[@kalypsodeepsea982]

Thank you 🙏. I never really was suicidal, but I used to feel alot more resentment than I now do, before I learned about autism. I used to hate people, I wanted revenge for how I was treated. But your videos helped me drop the mask and pursue a more fulfilling life. I no longer swim around like an empty shell, but I fully experience life now 🧜‍♀️. I also learned more from my own research than from school, except in university (but my field is alot of research about anything, so I am lucky on this one). Thank you for your help 🙏. #allezlesjaunes 💛

[@Hayden_Lummus]

My autism, and some certain life experiences, have helped make me into a good script writer. I've been writing a scripted, character driver, superhero series since the summer and I'm going to finish the second season before the end of this year. It's become one of the few things I enjoy in life.

[@BossmanCCrowder1]

Appreciate you sharing your story Max. Thanks.

[@svengain7020]

I appreciate the sentimentality with the message. My misanthropic feelings still clouds such hope. Thank you for sharing

[@TheeCapN]

same thing for me having a huge psychological breakdown. i got sent to hospitals and wards. the only difference is that was i never diagnosed. i had a situation where i went to a doctor told them about my suicidal thoughts and she got a cop to arrest me and then sent to a ward where i stayed for a day waiting for a psych doctor to see me. when the doctor got there i explained my situation and she just laughed at me and sent me home. no help for my emotional situation. never getting diagnosed with anything never treated properly. ive turned to a hollow shell of what my personality used to be. Im better than when i was before but damn does going through that suck.d

[@DJScorpion234Forever]

Hey Max, a lot of the things you said in your video, really do reflect some of the things that happened in my life as well. I really am glad you didn't end your life too soon and instead made this KZbin channel about autism and video games and such. The autism videos really helped me understand why I felt so much different compared to other people. Thank you for sharing your story and also helping me and countless other people with understanding what autism is and what is does to people. Keep living on Max.

[@forresthunter1483]

Amazing story, man. I'm so glad you got the help you needed.

[@paulharris1109]

i have autism and other things, so hearing story help

[@cloudbloom]

Since you are going to interview/talk with other youtubers, maybe get in touch with RealLifeRyan for one of those videos. I've been following his channel for a few years now and he mainly creates berserk analysis vids, but he also talks about his own mental health struggles and interacts with his followers about such things. Really great guy it would be cool to see you two talk to each other

[@cloudbloom]

What's the mod for Skyrim (and Oblivion?) that you're showing on screen? Looks gorgeous

[@mazerunner7640]

Everywhere I go, I see his face

[@kamionero]

I loved this video. Thanks for sharing your story, it’s not easy to talk about painful experiences; but its so incredibly important and helpful to others.

[@STARSVeteran]

My girlfriend and I were going through some of your older uploads tonight. And this has to be one of the best videos you’ve ever posted on your channel, it is truly wonderful. And of course, Stay Yellow, Max.

[@alexklepp6479]

I’m glad that you’re doing well and it’s wonderful to hear your experiences as I’ve had similar ones myself. Thanks for sharing this story, Max. Like you said, we all deserve to be happy.

[@robertevans7003]

Thanks for sharing this, Max. I look up to you and enjoy your content. I am happy you are pursuing training in mental health support.

[@LukeO-1234]

I was the opposite of you in school. I didn't do good because I didn't really care. I barely passed. Another issue I have with my autism is sharing rooms. Whether it be with brothers, friends, hotels, houses, etc. I can't stand sharing space. I have a lack of trust for people touching my things taking my things

[@xlovur]

Excellent video. I relate to so much of your story. Thank you for sharing. 🖤

[@cloudbloom]

I peeked at your channel👀 you've got some good tunes

[@marlonvikteam]

Hi, from France ! i'm really grateful to have find your videos, they always echoes in me deeper than i would have thougt. I grew up very much like you, it was an hard path, and it's an everyday challenge for me to live my life to the fullest, i'm glad to not be alone in that condition, i'm glad that some people understand me and love me for who i really am. Anyway, Merci Max !

[@CharzaKitsune]

…wow, there are only a scant few details that I did not share verbatim with your story, Max; holy heck! Uni for me was nigh identical down even to the breakdowns and locking up in fear Only major deviation was when I was diagnosed (~6th grade) and a whole additional layer on top of the academic failings but WOW Gonna send this to my folks

[@turdburglar1612]

Did you make videos for itsagundam?!

[@ghostlightningboi5618]

I'm sorry that happened to you, and I'm glad you're alive. You're one of my heroes, if that is any consolation. Keep going Maxie, you're amazing.

[@jcdenton4847]

I definitely have adhd from how you described it. I remember being a fearless happy kid until 12, usuallythe most popular kid when I was in small classes. I was a handful, and kinda a trouble maker but my parents were patient with me and my mom very supportive. I loved school just for the socializing cause I hated learning which is really weird to think of now. After 12 I switched schools even though I switched schools a few times I just felt different this last time. I became closed off and it was like all my care freeness vanished and lost all my social skills and became the weird quiet kid. I never got better at it either again and now I'm 26. Got diagnosed with depression and anxiety in high-school, just didn't even feel like there was a me to be. I was just a blank slate except when I hung around a couple of friends they brought me out again. But still felt like I was flat almost all the rest of the time. Started hanging out with a friend group and we mostly just smoked weed at each other's houses, skate, and hang out but still felt like I was different. Was more awkward, found it way harder to talk to girls then them, and never really talked when others were around. Found confrontation and fighting hard until last few years learn to power through the discomfort. Wasn't on my meds for more then a year and just kept doing drugs as coping mechanisms. Weed for my boredom and loneliness until booze replaced that, and psychedelics to just feel something... grand or real. They made things make sense and even helped find peace or even funny absurdity to my problems of ever feeling at home or like I belong to anything in this world. Although I don't really do em anymore, and maybe also just from more living I've learned to see things in that perspective, and find peace and sometimes even happiness despite never being able to connect with people or keep a lover around for more then a year. It's hard to make friends when you're strange,, and a life of fuck yous is mostly what I'm used to which has naturally lead to loneliness. Sometimes felt so hopeless I'd walk to the top of a parking garage a good 2 miles after work at night and think about jumping off. Now even though things haven't really gotten better I've learned how to feel better. Idk why but just can't imagine why I'd ever kill myself,, don't see the point in it even if things never get better. I just wanna see how this will end on its own time. not sure if I have autism but I can't make sense out of people, but surprisingly still see some good ones out here and think you're one of em. Thanks for the vids.

[@josephmoffatt4696]

I can relate to you man. I am myself have Asperger syndrome.

[@cassandralyris4918]

"...so I shut up." This may have been spoken, but it felt like a mirror. I'm sorry you had such a rough go, Max. A lot of us understand.

[@ghoulian]

I love the mental health videos. It gives great insight and you do an amazing job!

[@jba2048]

Yeah I was 38 when I got my diagnosis. I pretty much have spent my entire life feeling like a freak and failing at almost everything I do. I have never mastered any skill because I can’t focus or feel passion for anything that is a marketable skill. I’ve been fired from pretty much every single job that I’ve ever had due to my inability to communicate effectively with my fellow humans. The only reason I’m probably still alive is because I met a woman who tolerates me for who I am and is accepting of me as being the homemaker so I can avoid society as much as possible. I have a son who’s autistic now, and he’s more autistic than me; he’s my reason for living. Now that we live in a world more tolerant of people with my condition where people actually receive diagnosis and treatment unlike I got back in the 80s I have hope he will have a better life and be a happy person when he grows up.

[@snapdragonsweetgum8574]

I am so surprised how much I could relate to this story... I love you Max, thank you for sharing.

[@ciscornBIG]

Really glad you made your channel and glad you made this vid.

[@hugo11819]

I have some similar episodes in my life. Also gave up on studies. Two times. One of them was english. Also have problem with learning things i dont understand what is the point to learn. Also have problem with authorities all my life which i just obey but i dont learn a thing when i just do what they expect. Its nice example with your piano lessons when somebody explained to you why it is good to learn this skill. I mean you explained it to yourself, when you did not have just to obey authority anymore and to do it because they say so.It's good to know that i'm not alone. Thank you.

[@mexicanchinese]

Thanks for posting some insights and your experience. Even if I don't have Autism, I try to pick out some mindsets and best practices that apply to me.

[@Jahsizzl9]

Good shit Max. I appreciate hearing you talk about your life. I’m happy you are still around.

[@NomadColossus]

Wow, thanks for such a private and personal history of your upbringing Max. I'm not sure I could ever do this publically... so you are a braver man than I!

[@Meccanico208]

Thank you for sharing this. You had a hard time growing up and it takes a lot of courage to open up like this.

[@elyaequestus1409]

That clicks with my own experience as well. I also grew up in upper middle class. My life pretty much shifted when we moved from the village that I grew up in (2 to 6) to a different village where there was a much more aggressive undertone in peoples behavior. The adults there were mean and aiming to survive and be more than their neighbour. The children were meaner. I was a girl in a class of 5 girls. 2 stuck together from day one, the other three were just difficult people. I was bullied heavily for being different and you know. It was a bad time. When I was 8 my family fell apart because I found out that my mom had sexually abused my mother when she was a child and my mom was afraid it happened to me as well. Over the course of 4 years, 3 grand parents died, 2 divorces happened and my mom had/still has serious PTSD going on. So I bunkered down into school work and would become the first and most succesful child of the family. When I was diagnosed with autism, my parents thought that I could overcome it. I worked so hard. Oh so very, very fucking hard. I got my bachelor degree and I burned out. I finished my master courses, started on my thesis and all the repressed trauma came out. The darkness you describe is real and fortunally for me, my parents understood the hole that I was in. By the Grace of God and my supervisor I finished my master degree Cum Laude. Average grade of 8.5/10. Yey. The trauma didnt stop though. My parents and I were still fighting against my autism. I was/am still chastised for having autistic traits. I did however, end up at a clinic specialized for autistic folks and my parents are joining me in therapy. They know the need tools and they know that their response to me is just. Difficult. And yes I engage with them in conversation and now that I have the right tools to communicate, I can do so with ease. I finally received a voice and I am finally advocating for myself and others. I am finally getting the help that I need to process the trauma and all that impacted. I feel normal. I feel healthy. It took about 29 years and a lot of plowing to get there.

[@Ciuin_Sam]

Thanks for being open and honest with this Max, it's not easy to discuss and I respect and congratulate you for getting to where you are now. What you said about being raised in a loving environment and having that comfort, love, and safety as a personal justification to *not* feel bad really struck home with me. I denied a lot of my own negative emotions for that very reason ("surely others have it way worse, I'm not supposed to feel bad"), and was terrified of disappointing my family (even though they always really chill) so I never sought help and it took its toll on me psychologically. I have no formal diagnosis of any kind but just wanted to say I can relate and appreciate you sharing your story. Be well Max

[@PickledThyme1]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I have autism, and it means the world to me seeing other people being open about it and sharing their experiences, so more people on the spectrum know they are not alone and are great the way they are.

[@jeremycraves]

Just found your channel recently and glad I did. Thank you!

[@MidKnightblue0013]

Thanks for your perspective Max, interesting as usual.

[@burrahobbit]

I'm really interested in this sort of thing from you. You have an interesting point of view that is very worth sharing

[@fullmetalduane3847]

I needed this. Thank you Max.

[@ferjnssn]

I've been living with some of the same issues that you mentioned above for several years, if not all of 'em. The pandemic and lockdown only made some things 250% worst... and I'm currently trying to deal with them, focus on the "trying" part. I've followed your channel and watched your videos for several years now, we also even shared a few words on a Silent Hill group in Facebook sometime ago... and I just want to say thank you, just for making me feel like there are some others like me out there. Thank you for your amazing content, for all the effort and hard work you do... just thanks.

[@Danielsan1223]

I actually subscribed to your KZbin channel because of your Silent Hill content. However, your psychiatric videos have immensely helped me when I discovered them afterwards. As somebody who has depression, ADHD, and is a fellow Aspie you have encouraged me so much that I'm not alone!

[@lysanderxx1664]

I never thought someone could NOT be diagnosed with autism for so many years of their life. This whole video is fascinating and provides some great insight!

[@andybecker9627]

I am glad you're with us and sharing your thoughts.

[@timothycorneille9500]

I think reading kierkeegard, nitzche and jung, would give you a good sense of understanding yourself which is very important in the process. But only after a good sense of belief

[@imaginativespirit591]

Your experience is so relatable to mine. Thanks for sharing

[@Iesous27]

Damn, your words are very deep. When me and my wife started thinking our son had ADHD (she's an educator so she picked it up first), it was a life changer for me. Since it's most likely hereditary, I did an ADHD test and it started explaining a lot of my behaviours too. Hyper focusing on random things, completely rejecting things that have I have zero interest, emotional melt downs when things get too difficult and impulsiveness. My son is the same way. We have him in therapy now at 5 years old so we can try to help him with his emotional melt downs. But the whole situation with your parents hits home with me. Even now, when I try to explain what ADHD is to my parents, they just shrug it off and say "you're normal and so is

[@SNW_Build_a_Picture]

here here to another year of new and exciting adventures :)

[@EggsBenedickt]

Listening to this, it only makes me angrier at how much suffering I went through because my parents merely assumed that I'm just being a spoiled brat or I'm just a child so I'm acting like that or because I'm just being lazy and didn't want to do something or that I'm being so sensitive. If only they put in a bit of extra effort, maybe my childhood wouldn't be so shitty as they'd understand that I literally cannot comprehend how a neurotypical mind works and how a neurotypical person acts. For 3/4ths of my life, I always felt like I wasn't like others or that I'm not 'welcome' at all because I act differently, and that it's my fault for 'not trying'. Now that I know that I have autism, everything just fell into place, it wasn't my fault, it was BEYOND my control even if I tried my best to 'act normal'. Even now, the prospect of just ending it is still more favorable to be because what else is there? I'm already well into my late 20s and there's no way I can recover what I've lost in terms of having a less harsh childhood or kinder treatment if not having better consideration from others.

[@dlbyrd-gasca2730]

I feel like our stories share a lot of similarities Max. Like you I've learned more from life than I ever have from school. That's not to say that I haven't learned anything from school, but mostly due to me having to memorize the heck out of whatever it was that they were trying to teach me. 😅 I also went through a similar experience around the year 2011 of wanting to end it, but much like Billy Corgan I'm so glad I didn't. 😊

[@Techno-Universal]

6:57 What’s also interesting is that there’s also a very specific irritable/board emotion that I’ve picked up on that occurs whenever I encounter this issue of not wanting to do something because I’m not interested in it. Of course the problem resulted in me really struggling with certain subjects at school however it was a problem that gradually faded away over time as I developed mentally and became more flexible and understanding as an individual! :)

[@DanLuxe]

Love you mate. ❤️