CPTSD & My Journey Towards Integration-part3, Jul 2020 *TRIGGER WARNING* (trauma, suicidal thoughts)

I made this in July 2020& published it first in July 2021, to my patrons. / marienoellewurm I'm ready to share it with all of you today.
You can find part 1 here: • True talk part 1: My b...
and part 2 here: • My breakdown, 6 months...
I'm glad I have these videos to document the journey it's been. Sending love to all my fellow warriors.
Thank you for being here.

[@alisondraper3853]

Thank you for sharing your journey, it has been very helpful to me. I found you through the ugly art I now joyfully fill my sketch book with gorgeous grotesque images !! I am so happy with myself. It feels like such an act of kindness to allow myself to do this. Without criticiism or judgement being playful.

[@marienoellewurm]

oh Alison, that's so wonderful to hear!! You can be so proud of allowing yourself this freedom and unconditional love. Rooting for you!

[@rebelliousdreamer]

I have CPTSD and I am learning watercolor painting as part of my healing and self-regulation. I watched your painting videos first and then KZbin figured I’d like this one too. I’ve always thought about sharing my own journey at some point when I’m ready. This could not have been easy.

[@marienoellewurm]

oh I'm so sorry you also have to do deal with this s*#^ and sending a lot of healing thoughts your way. You can be so proud of integrating painting as part of your healing journey, it can be such a a helpful tool. And yes, if sharing feels right, then small steps, allow yourself to do so. AND ALSO noone is entitled to hear about your journey and even if you don't share, your story and trauma is STILL valid. Thinking of you!

[@Not2DaySatan224]

Emotional flashbacks…I too had no idea this was a thing until I realized that’s what was happening. I thought all feelings were real time but came to see that the feelings were memories with no visuals and were from the past. This has been huge for my recovery. I can then attend to those feelings and metabolize them and heal them. Pete Walkers books have been life changing for this. Thank you for sharing your experience.❤

[@marienoellewurm]

yes yes yes exactly this! It's wild to realize in retrospect how many emotional flashbacks I had without having any idea that that's what was happening. SO grateful for Pete Walker's book and therapists who've helped me understand this. IT IS MASSIVE. SO important for recovery like you said. Sending much love and healing your way!

[@taledmunds]

I only recently found your channel (for the art videos). But I, too, have been on a cPTSD breakdown&healing journey (since 2020 for me). It is nice to hear people talk about it with such complexity and nuance and understanding. One of the gifts and curses i have found with healing is that i have profound insight into myself and into relationships, that other people don't have. While I'm grateful for the learning i have done, it can sometimes make it hard to relate to others. Sometimes i feel just as isolated as i did before i started healing.

[@marienoellewurm]

Thanks so much for writing and so sorry you also have to deal with this s&#@! 😅 I can SO relate to what you mean - it's true that dealing with all this has forced us to have more insight into ourselves and others, than most. I do think though that it's possible to find other sensitive, deep souls, it just take a little bit more time and effort to find them. I say that because when I was healing there are MANY times where I felt extremely isolated, but I now have a few more people that I can connect with in that way. It really does take time and finding contexts/activities where it's more likely to find deep thinkers/feelers. Don't give up :) you're not alone ❤ (Also do you know the channel of Healthygamer GG? Strange name but his videos about cPTSD and healing in general, are incredible. Also, Patrick Teahan!)

[@taledmunds]

@@marienoellewurm I don't know Healthygamer but I LOVE Patrick teahan!! His channel has been instrumental in my healing journey 💜💜💜

[@marienoellewurm]

@@taledmunds omg yes. For me his 'role-plays' blew my mind open and really drove home how toxic things were, and what they could have been instead.

[@taledmunds]

@@marienoellewurm absolutely the same for me. I would watch his role plays and just sob, grieving for what I should have had, never knowing there was a different kind of way

[@marienoellewurm]

@@taledmunds yes yes yes. We are warriors, aren't we.

[@shirasheartbeats]

It's amazing how much I relate to your sharings so far..and the way you express yourself and emotions and processess. I don't want to spam the space here.. As I ended the video..talking about the suicidal tendencies and attempt..and the way your family treated it..and the way you navigated it and concluded that this part of you needed space to be heard and you, the adult, now gives that space..this is what happened for me as well. And this is the darkness i was talking about one comment ago. Unless I heard her..and I validated her feelings of rage and dispair, I was treating her the same as her abusers. Her..the little girl and the teenager that i was. I love her very much now..and she diserves the space to express her feelings and I can..transmute that negative energy into pure life force. After all, energy is energy no matter what..I am feeling happy and grateful for you and for me, not only for surviving, but for exploring..ourselves beyond the fear and pain. I believe you have so beautiful depths and your spirit is so light..and there is a balance in it. A harmonizing atmosphere around you. May you find much joy on your journey..deeper than you can imagine

[@marienoellewurm]

yes yes yes, I totally agree with waht you said - that it's about learning to treat the little girl and the teenager you were in ways that are TRULY loving and kind and that she deserved back then as well. Thank so much for your kindness Shira and sending much love and light your way!

[@dhowell9000]

Yes!! I grew up with a bi polar mom, and she refused medication………it has taken me almost a whole lifetime to recognize why I feel so broken sometimes…….thank-you for this!!

[@marienoellewurm]

yes it's so important for us to understand the impact of what our childhood was like! sorry you had to go through this - and also huge congrats on working to see it clearly now! :) you've got this.

[@daria6570]

Marie-Noëlle, thank you for sharing your thoughts. It’s very important. I was touched and cried. You have so deep and beautiful, caring and kind soul. Thank you for your Love. I am so glad and grateful that I discovered you.

[@marienoellewurm]

oh Daria, I'm moved by your words, thank you so much. Sending love right back at you. ❤

[@lindacoumbe467]

Sharing is caring. Thank you. X x

[@marienoellewurm]

so honored you're here Linda :)

[@cassielelolea]

Thank you so much for the willingness to share your stories, your thoughts and how you are coping with it. A big hug to you

[@marienoellewurm]

Thanks Cassie.

[@visionvixxen]

CPTSD because of my ADD and Autism. The second undiagnosed until recently at 50… this was is really complex because are people deliberately abusing you or is it happening by nature of your neurotype not fitting the world and being repeatedly misunderstood.

[@marienoellewurm]

yes it's very tough! Sending a lot of courage and healing thoughts your way!

[@malomorgen555]

You kind of instantly got under my skin (as a fellow human being) years ago when I did one of your workshops. The more that you share with us more I get it why felt this connection back then. Thank you for your honesty and openness. Thanks for wanting to give more than most people do.

[@marienoellewurm]

thanks for your kind words, they made me tear up. ❤🤗

[@malomorgen555]

@@marienoellewurm