Narcissistic Abuse: Purposeful, Not Intentional

[@esl39]

Because of the narcissist’s dependence on other’s reactivity perhaps that’s why it’s often recommended to have minimal to no contact with the narcissist; otherwise, you cannot maintain a healthy interaction.

[@ChloeJones-ne6ck]

This !!!!!

[@narishaloflin9314]

Despite having listened to countless videos for over a year, I have still managed to hold onto a shred of denial that has kept me attached to my narc former friend. I actually believed that she didn't MEAN to hurt me. And no matter how many times she swore she wanted to change & even attempted to do the "inner work", she nonetheless continued to zombify & lash out at me like a child. All the witholding, secrets, lies, neglect, blame, superiority, gas lighting, silent treatment, & temper tantrums would come over her like a fever (despite her "knowing better")--not unlike when someone has a VIRUS! That analogy hit me between the eyes & made me gasp! Nothing else has penetrated my confusion like this particular lecture. And with this clarity, comes much relief. Thank you from the bottom of my ❤!

[@nicksonjoe9376]

15:06 very well put together piece...I have always argued they are pretty unconscious...that kept me in the loop hoping ..they will see me...but in45 yrs was not seen

[@dandb808]

This was one of the most succinct explanations I’ve seen of the difference between narcissists and psychopaths. Thank you for all your work!

[@Iamthecreater]

I must of had a narcissistic psychopath then because after asking about my past when we first met he used all my fears against me in the devaluation stage discard he played the sh#t show of always threatening suicide not to mention the stalking the 100s of emails the playing me like a game he was one sick person i forgive myself for ever falling for a guy like that and got hoodwinked into it he was very aware of his behaviour and played the Jekyll and hyde the discard was horrendous with him standing there li remember thinking where has that person i fell in love with hone he became a monster and after 6 years of the game i walked away after running back forth more than 50 times it took me years to heal from this horrendous abuse I do forgive him but only because by forgiveness I can move forward in my life with no emotional attachment whatsoever.thank you sam ❤

[@Iamthecreater]

@whatap-professor_Sam haha deluded watched sam for 6 years he doesn't do WhatsApp fool

[@HeatherGomez-ug1js]

I actually changed my husband's contact name on my phone from "My Love" to "Jekyll and Hyde" 2 days ago. It's a perfect description for how he acts.

[@Tinga666]

You had such an impact on my healing. I thank you.

[@dawnarellano7903]

Love this❤

[@Tinga666]

He is dazzling and brilliant@@dawnarellano7903

[@SoulLoveBase]

Yes, attention and validation. My grandiosity leads me to believe I am owed more of both yet receive little of either because of my sense of entitlement turns people away from me. The very thing I feel I need and crave, to be liked, has turned the world into a cruel playground where I am the one who is always left. And without realizing why people dont want to play with me, I seek and find solace in the hands of the few who will listen. Yet I feel like a fraud as I desperately try to present a false self to them so that they wont come to dislike me like everyone esle while secretly resenting them for forcing me to be a false self. Phew.

[@hlengiwemathe7376]

Sad...

[@bethmoore7722]

I don’t know how you got this way, but I have watched the traits and problems you describe being beaten into someone from early childhood. However you became this way, I’m sorry that you’re suffering. I hope you can get some help, and some love.

[@SoulLoveBase]

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. One can never know the value of a kind word, for even a single kind word can change the course of history. I have been relying on Jesus to show me the truth about who I was and to change my heart anew. I do believe it's working and thanks to Him I've been born again. Have a great day.@@bethmoore7722

[@SoulLoveBase]

Thanks for taking the time to share some of your story. I can definitely relate to some of what you're talking about. @Berny.A

[@Kangaroo211]

@Berny.Athank you for sharing, makes so much sense. As much as I want to get close to my narc friend he keeps on sabotaging our friendship, yet it hurts to see him stay friends with others on a superficial level.

[@annabystrzanowska-boruch231]

"if You don' t have a self then You cannot act intentionally " - thank You Sir

[@lalunatarot3953]

Thank you for the clarification! I often find myself confused as to whether the abuse is intentional or not. This definitely helps! Thank you for your time and energy always ✨🙏✨

[@glenyshill72]

@lalunatarot39 Would you agree that unfortunately the narcissistic abuse has the same devastating and long lasting effect on the victim irrespective of to what extent it is intentional ? Very sadly :(

[@glenyshill72]

. . . . * correction - ...... irrespective of the extent to which it is intentional ? .........

[@lalunatarot3953]

@@glenyshill72For Sure, 100%. And I appreciate you pointing that out/has been part of the confusion. We all do our best when involved in these types of dynamics - they give us tools of learning, wisdom and growth if we are open to it. Hoping whatever you are navigating through will find your power and resolve. Thank you for your beautiful insight 🙏✨

[@glenyshill72]

@lalunatarot39 🙏 Thank you for yours too. Sending hope, love and all the very best your way :)

[@Coopertronics]

Intent can be an emotional response. Don't remove the human from the equation.

[@annbritanilsson]

Brilliant! Thank you for explaining the self and intentions.

[@JANEGOMA-v4x]

When I saw him for who he was . I felt so sad and pity for him, I prayed for mercy on him. I realised this man believes his BS .

[@inkanafiji3851]

I didn’t and I still can’t see my mother for who she was. I was groomed to godify her and demonise myself all under the cover of pseudomutuality. The abuse was purposeful to make my brain unable to recognise reality and my sense of self annihilated. I feel if now I would see all the heinous mental and emotional abuse I would literally kill my self from horror

[@Darye22]

Do you feel envy? Who cares who believes and who doesn't. 😐

[@Coopertronics]

Maybe pity was what he was aiming for. 'Pity me for I have been greatly wronged'

[@GLsJAwtomatica]

⁠@darye22 doesn't sound like envy to me

[@crystaldeshaies2313]

Why do think it is BS?

[@camfrancisco]

That intro was better than Kubrick!!!👏😳

[@leilaniford3574]

Yep my mom is a psychopath. I've been in 14 years of therapy. I had one safe parent.

[@tulinbeyduz920]

may i ask what she did ?

[@leilaniford3574]

@@tulinbeyduz920 no.

[@leilaniford3574]

@@tulinbeyduz920 No. I mean it's a lifetime. Simply it's like malignant narcissism on steroids and more. Simply put.

[@leilaniford3574]

@@hectorignacio-nx1dm exactly 💯

[@mrdeshonline]

Be strong you are not alone

[@KrystiOhman]

This is what drew me to you versus the “self-styled narcissist experts”. As horrible as the abuse was it never fit that it was intentional. Thank you for all you teach that explains and helps me heal through my 34 year marriage.

[@kristinap6300]

Wow, “ narcissist is a junkie, not aware of the nature of its own drug” and “purposeful but not intentional”- pretty much explains it all when it comes to. Person with NPD.

[@fatimacharty8854]

Nobody is perfect. He matches your exact description, he's not intentional. He has made factual changes for better, he's more open to advice and takes it. I can't unsee his actual genuine and simple soul. I've had a malignant narcissistic mother who abused me in any way and form, and an imprisoned father that neglected me once out of prison, after I grew up meeting him in jail during my first 15 years of life. I have issues too. But I'm very self conscious, I work on myself really hard because my worst nightmare is to perpetrate the abuse cycle. Our defects make only 10% of our relationship and even if sometimes we clash, we're good as far as we love each other form the heart truly and are willing to improve ❤️ nobody's perfect.

[@wittymystic7361]

What can humanity do to help the narcissist? They cause so much damage. How can we elevate society without offering them some treatment?

[@EightBallAnswers1]

True. How to fix the error. I don’t think true cause is known. Sure would be nice to eliminate the affliction.

[@Rita-sy1ek]

Always learning with your explanations. Precise. Thank you. Now I can forgive my narcisist mother easier... Keeping distance! 😊

[@syrax2424]

😂 i love these new intros

[@khomotsom9202]

😂😂😂 me too

[@careymamer3271]

Agreed

[@LorieH-v4i]

same!

[@viktordanilov4277]

Me too!!

[@kostantinosdemopoulos8907]

I realize my sister was broken as a child...my her hundreds of sadistic things said n done to family n friends, and her absolute delight in the suffering she causes, makes her Evil...

[@baselbassil9913]

Amazing video ... I loved when you talked about AI as a purpose oriented not intentional ... that could give a perception on how AI could be so intelligent but still having no self ... because I was always wondering if AI would have a self or not ... Now I can imagine that AI doesnt have to have self to be so inteligent or so powerful.... I loved this Idea...

[@hazizeljucovic4956]

Wow i though my ex was a Narcissist, listening to you now i know he was a Psychopath Thanks for yours teachings

[@jayTee-zp1jn]

The cognitive dissonance is always something to get over and to break down. What he ‘reported’ to be and the facade are so difference to the reality. I found it almost impossible to deal with and my mind was always checking on itself whilst struggling between understanding his fantasy and reality. I still don’t understand his own world. I’ve given up.

[@ninamarkovic4853]

Cognitive dissonance or just lying ..near giving up ..

[@christianzelinka2071]

Wonderful Thank You thank You thank you Excellent description - endles practise in analysing and trying to find the right words pays off.❤

[@energyisenergy]

Brilliant. This helps me understand so much. Thank you.

[@gracebe235]

Aaah, yes. My oldest sister is most definitely a delusional narcissistic psychopath…..as is my brother. Not sure what to make of my other sister…..she has done some pretty disturbing things, but she is also on meth. So it’s hard for me to tell if she does things out of being heartless, or because she is under the influence of the drugs? Could be a mix? Our parents? Most definitely narcissists! Me? I am the only one out of all of them, that has pursued answers on coping…..I have had MANY years in therapy. I plan on going back again soon, as my current husband has ‘changed’, and exhibits all of the abusive traits of a narcissist. It’s a living hell! Sometimes I feel like I’m in an episode of the Twilight Zone! (My first husband died of cancer).

[@Morigan20003]

We love you sam ❤❤❤ thank you for all the help you shed on us... U saved me in my narcissist ex

[@melindaszekeres1190]

Very important video! Thank you Prof for summarizing and drawing it up

[@TheFJK911]

Thank you very much, Prof. Sam Vaknin. I am beginning to understand what was done and is being done to me, because of your lectures. Gratitude from your student here in Seoul Korea.

[@The1972maxim]

I am so glad i am not angry with my narcissistic family any more❤ as i know if i was that emotion would colour the truth for me and that's what i do not want...i simply intend to understand.Narcissism Has its roots in dysfuncional family systems.Its the survival adaptation strategy to avoid punishment and pain in unsafe family environments.Children are devoid of their true identify and adapt their family role according to what's decided for them ....They do their best to please their parents....There is a hierarchy with regards to roles of course...Yes ...and that is going on and on ...they take those roles into adulthood and keep repearing the pattern throughout the adulthood or until they wake up and realize they have been manipulated into that game... usually by default.I do not believe parents raise their kids to hurt them...They just do what they know.We are victims of victims but we do not need to pass IT on anymore.We can learn to be ourselves as It's safe now❤

[@janne8253]

Narcissist is not aware of his own drug...🤦🙍🤷

[@mahernegm2553]

thank you Sam

[@anthonyforbes9657]

This discourse was a revelation.

[@DonnaBrown-wt6pz]

Seriously, I came across all this stuff for years ago and realised this was what we thought was up with me. I don’t know if I have borderline personality disorder, but I have some craziness going on and me trying to get help for this stuff especially in the UK are going to your doctor going to the mental health care I don’t understand it they don’t even wanna talk about it and yeah I don’t wanna be here and then sometimes I do I do love someone to help me give me brain exercises I feel like that’s all I need

[@AlexisG850florida]

I hope you are feeling well Sam, being away from your home and into new scenery brings on those traveler germs. I care about you ,my idol; but not in an over protective and overbearing motherly way😊

[@laetitia0402]

Gracias profesor

[@user-xb1co1hd8v]

Sam: I am a little confused about something you discussed in a prior video. I thought you had said that when a covert narcissist drinks alcohol, he can have a monstrous transformation, and becomes a secondary psychopath. Does he cross the line into being intentional at that point? Or does it just go back to being purposeful when he is temporarily sober? Thank you for all of your tremendous work.

[@samvaknin]

Primary, not secondary. During psychopathic self-states there is always intentionality.

[@user-xb1co1hd8v]

Thank you Sam

[@hlengiwemathe7376]

Thanks this is healing...

[@kristentiveron4756]

Wow! I needed to hear that so I can forgive

[@blackstephh]

Forgive, but the damage they do is inevitable and not something they can control. That’s even scarier

[@kristentiveron4756]

@@blackstephh true. I forgive for myself ♥️ onward and upwards xo

[@annamertens_ukraine]

Thank you so much!🙏🌾🌸

[@BG-fv7gj]

When the covert doormat narcissist turns into a psychopath does he then constellate a self with intentional and premeditated behavior? Can they be a psychopath with one victim while simultaneously being a covert doormat with a new target?

[@samvaknin]

Displaying full-fledged psychopathic behaviors is not the same as being a psychopath.

[@jchh88d]

I’m thoroughly enjoying that this new haircut has seemingly activated a novel Professor Vaknin “mischievous grin preamble” to his thoughtful insights on this sobering (often dark) subject matter…Cheers!

[@jenbrennan4884]

They are conscious of right and wrong behavior, narcissists. But not able to pre-meditate hurtful behavior. So, they are experiencing rage, shame, and guilt for the bad reactions they often inspire. But their behavior is not planned because they lack the mechanizations to govern their own thoughts and behaviors. No introspection is possible because- perhaps- their minds (or selves or identities) have not actually formed properly. Perhaps you may say a narcissist is not only a child with little to no identity of their own. But a child with no identity of their own who has- on top of that- been severely damaged by abuse or trauma or neglect. So they are acting out rage, anger, shame, fear, very difficult emotions even for functioning adults to cope with. This explains why they do such a terrible job. They experience the emotions with no ability to process them or resolve those complex issues they experience inside (?). I think I am understanding correctly. This is so sad!! I have experienced a lifetime of abuse but I can see now what it is! God please have mercy on these damaged people!!

[@Anonymissus]

not able to pre-meditate my butt, pls stop making excuses for evil, everyone has the ability and free-will to think about stuff good or evil beforehand (and choose what to act on)

[@annettegaledespino-mcgloth5829]

I thought you were going to say, here I am like a bad corn, lol. My corn hurts. At any rate, I am thankful I found your channel.

[@itchyscratchy7167]

I have a question. I left my narc husband of 6 months 5 weeks ago. He is stonewalling me. Do I file for divorce? I will, but hes the one with the money. I wish I had someone to talk to who is knowledgeable on this.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

What if they are a psychopathic, sadistic and narcisstic?

[@samvaknin]

Malignant narcissists are narcissists.

[@DanielOlmedo1]

Was missing that daily upload hehe

[@margopetro3803]

Спасибо! Вы мне очень помогли❤

[@helenas7416]

What about a malignant covert narcissist who kaleidoscopically shifts between self states where he moves into primary psychopathy? How does this make sense if a narcissist doesn’t have an ego but a psychopath does? Similarly with borderline with self states of narcissism and psychopathy? How do we explain the fact that a person has an ego in one self state but not another? Or is this precisely why the dizzying kaleidoscope is so baffling to those trying to make sense of it? Because it is like DID in that different self states are capable of vastly different levels of function ego wise? Im guessing that sadistic self states in BPD or NPD are part of primary psychopathy and hence are intentional?

[@autumnrose6370]

The Narc remind me of Jason movies He never truly dies in all his movies" yet, he is killed @ the movie end... or is it a death illusion.. Jason the Narc returns because he is ready to killĺ.. all a trap

[@YaMumsSpecialFriend]

So I should pity my ex, not despise her..

[@Khaled-ei4uh]

@yamumsspecialfriend in my case both, and Id rather not feel either way or better yet nothing towards "her" at all I wish Id forget her and keep the lessons

[@frostykitties2050]

If you really want to let go just love disregard the negative thinking and let it go. Really pray the best n let go in love. You come out sooner n have a better attitude about yourself than to carry the past pain n anger around.

[@kingflakie]

😅😅😅😅 my most handsome funny man! Your intro gives me laughs always. #firsttimecommenter

[@melindaszekeres1190]

Within this topic, can we substitute overt narcissist for psychopath and covert narcissist for narcissist?...

[@samvaknin]

No.

[@vanillarodent]

so my fiancees mom who has plotted on how to con him/us into a greencard sponsorship and then to send him to prison is a psychopaath ..... ahhhhhh

[@BandoLyrix]

You should name your channel "Bitter/Sweet Thoughts" ..... ANYWAYS Thanks from GHANA

[@freidafreebird]

Oh hello Sam

[@reneekini6127]

Can someone have both traits of narcissist and psychopath @samvaknin?

[@samvaknin]

Yes. Search the comorbidities playlist.

[@reneekini6127]

@@samvaknin thank you

[@MsBlackb1]

You are so funny 😂

[@pooyakazemi7977]

Narcissist want only attention not power!!? 🙄🙄🙄

[@samvaknin]

S/he may want power - but only in order to be in the limelight.

[@ajf7286]

If they are victims of their childhood, why can't treat them

[@DorothyReich]

Adult narcissists are post-development - it's too late. If a butterfly chrysalis hatches in a space which is too small for its wings to properly expand, time cannot be rolled back - those wings will always be crumpled & deformed. Sad.

[@user-xb1co1hd8v]

They don’t have a self. They are an absence masquerading as a presence. I think of them like one of those giant floats in the Thanksgiving Day parade. Colorful on the outside and nothing but air on the inside. They tend to think that they are superior and don’t need help.

[@lanahyde7588]

Thank you so much for explanation.

[@alanmcbride6658]

Thanks Sam.

[@AngelBlack333]

So if, who, I thought was a narc (perhaps a malignant narc) became aware of my sexual abuse trauma and then decides to traumatise me by severely sexually assaulting me on numerous occasions when angry at me, even though he's never done this to anyone in the past, is that not intentional? He would say to me that he doesn't know why he does it but to me it seemed pretty intentional. Maybe he's not a narc?

[@user-xb1co1hd8v]

I believe there is not much difference between a malignant narcissist, and a psychopath. I hope you can get help and stay the hell away from them.🙏🏽

[@AngelBlack333]

@@user-xb1co1hd8v Yes I guess I might find my answers studying psychopathy instead but the thing is he definitely experiences high levels of anxiety, seeks alot validation and isn't as cold, calm and collected as psychopaths are but he is clearly malicious and seemingly inflicts harm intentionally so that's where the confusion lies with me. But yes I am glad to say I am no longer with him.

[@ninamarkovic4853]

​@@AngelBlack333never go back..

[@ND-or5so]

How does he know how far he can go and get away with at work, and in public places that let's him be able to stick around like other citizens without getting into trouble and escorted off to a mental asylum or jail if he pretty much has no self control?- as what you are really saying.

[@samvaknin]

S/he doesn’t.

[@ND-or5so]

@@samvaknin Maybe they are perfect and have no flaws but just think they do- lol ! My husband has self control until he is able to get through that front door to release the demons. Kiss his ass, feed him, always with the wine too. Be bubbly, act like he's important. Tell him, don't be so hard on yourself ! We all make mistakes and get this; i did that same mistake yesterday and I laugh at my foibles . Ah, have another glass of wine, hun. You work so hard. I just feel for you with all that stress and all, they shouldn't be so obnoxious at your job and bother you so much telling you the engine part that's going to Japan is in full swing. Oh those bastards! They have no respect for you at that company. Get 'em at your next review. I'll tell you what to say... have another glass of wine hun - wait right there, i'll get it. Isn't the big bang theory on at this time? It's Thursday and they have new episodes on Thursday. Come- on let's laugh honey bunchy - oh so cute you are. Those jeans make you look sexy! Here have the rest of the big bottle of wine. He is staggering to the bathroom as I'm putting the dishes in the dishwasher. I come out of the kitchen cause it's quiet of nonsense. I look toward the long hallway and he is holding up the wall as he's going to his bedroom. Uh , he'll be alright..

[@JohnDoe-vy5hh]

A junkie not aware of his own drug..

[@namastea]

You are hilarious lol

[@LeftEyeofRa]

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