Never Ever

I'll never ever eat kale, I said with such pride,
Currently munching green smoothies inside
Never ever download TikTok, I swore with disdain,
Three hours of scrolling has fried my brain
I'll never ever date again, I declared to my friends,
Wedding's next June-funny how that pretense ends
Never ever buy crypto, that's just not for me!
Checking prices at three AM? Who could that be?
I'll never ever dance in public, oh heavens, no way!
Security footage from last Friday would like to say
Never ever wear crocs, they're absolutely not cool,
Now I own seven pairs-I've become such a fool!
I'll never ever join a gym, exercise is so last year,
Monthly payments suggest a story quite near
Never ever drink coffee, it's just leaf water, you see,
Currently mainlining espresso, please don't judge me
So here's to all the "never evers" we solemnly swear,
Those absolute certainties we definitely declare!
Because nothing says "I'll do this tomorrow" quite like
A passionate speech about things we totally don't like!