No Emotions, please: Alexithymia and Anankastia (Rigid Perfectionism)

No video

No Emotions, please: Alexithymia and Anankastia (Rigid Perfectionism)

Рет қаралды 19,928

Күн бұрын

Alexithymia may be a form of narcissism and anankastia (rigid, rule-bound perfectionism)
LITERATURE
Oltmanns, J. R., & Widiger, T. A. (2018). A self-report measure for the ICD-11 dimensional trait model proposal: The personality inventory for ICD-11. Psychological Assessment, 30(2), 154-169. doi.org/10 .1037/pas0000459
Stricker, J., Buecker, S., & Pietrowsky, R. (2022, May 5). Alignment of the Personality Inventory for ICD-11 With the Five Factor Model of Personality. Psychological Assessment. Advance online publication. dx.doi.org/10.1...
WATCH How Narcissist is Mortified (Empathy Aphantasia) • How Narcissist is Mort...
WATCH NPD CANCELLED in ICD-11: Narcissism=Dissociality+Anankastia+Negative Affectivity • NPD CANCELLED in ICD-1...
Find and Buy MOST of my BOOKS and eBOOKS in my Amazon Store: www.amazon.com...

Пікірлер: 41

@safethamzagic7226 6 ай бұрын

I came here to get some knowledge on narcissism, I’m getting a full university course on psychology. I’ll just sit back like a good student and learn. Thank you.

@rancho-relaxo-radio 6 ай бұрын

Very useful, well explained and detailed, professor Vaknin. I "diagnosed" my ex with alexithymia years ago thanks to one of the tests you mention in the video. He took it prior to our separation and he tested positive. As a good alexithymic, he was not remotely surprised nor worried by these results. Same thing when I told him that I felt miserable in our relationship and that I wanted to leave him. This guy was so different from my father, who was bipolar, alcoholic and extremely violent and chaotic... I thought "this is what STABLE, healthy people might look like". The guy was boring, apathetic, showed very few facial expressions, never cried, not even with a song or a film, he hated when I showed emotions or was ill, etc. Whenever he had to deal with a problem, he felt sleepy and started yawning. He never spoke about memories involving people but FOOD!!! Maybe food was the only acceptable way for him to experience any kind of emotion? He was raised by a highly narcissistic father and a distant, cold, unempathetic mother. He was very rational, ambitious, goal oriented, always working, making money. Zero introspection, no spirituality, never thinking about people, never caring about others... I wanted to die a few times while in our "relationship". A felt completely ALONE for ten years. Thank you for this valuable information. I feel understood.

@makeupartist1411 6 ай бұрын

My ex also was never moved by music, art or movies and felt uncomfortable with song lyrics (found it dramatic or over the top) Could never explain why he loved me other than 'I can relax and be myself'. Always talking about his own interests, and when I asked 'how was the other person, did you aks how they are doing?' Nope, didn't enter his mind. Very limited range of emotions which I mistook for stability. I'm coming from a very dysfunctional family and it seemed so safe to be with him. He had no ambitions, stuck to the same hobby for 20 years, never did a course to develop himself. Didn't understand why other people would get upset, he would always find it 'no big deal'. No desire for a pet, kids or anything that could hinder his freedom (to do what?!). Was always smiling and upbeat as a default mode which I mistook for optimistic, but later understood he was just an empty vessel with a jolly mask on. He was always smiling and laughing about everything, no genuine inner process. Also had terrible memory, couldn't remember anything I told him, no emotions to link events with. Weird, very confusing and a very lonely time.

@rancho-relaxo-radio 6 ай бұрын

This is what I lived! That "empty vessel with a jolly mask on"! Nothing going underneath the surface. So confusing for us humans! @@makeupartist1411

@rancho-relaxo-radio 6 ай бұрын

Such an accurate description: "an empty vessel with a jolly mask on". I also mistook his smile for optimism. He was rarely worried and when he did, he never expressed it verbally. He would smoke, drink, eat, work or watch Netflix instead. Never a profound conversation and thus no connection at all. People with alexithymia are shallow, bidimensional beings. Nothing underneath the surface, just hollow words. Very confusing to us humans. @@makeupartist1411

@Pieceofpeace43 11 күн бұрын

My ex covert was passionate about food. I told him with some despair that it would be cool if he could talk about love the way he talks about food. It was obsessive. Really. Frightening. Apart from food NOTHING else would matter and he never cried or was interested about nothing else emotionnaly speaking.

@unknownperson6838 6 ай бұрын

Thank you helping me understand more about myself

@forgoroe 6 ай бұрын

Anankastia. Perfect. Oh... ! (Get it?) Jokes aside, acknowledging my own alexithymia has been instrumental towards healing. identifying emotions (having names for them) by process of looking at my bodily sensations, first, was key. I'm continuing, to this day (after many years), to identify and re-identify emotions more and more appropriately. At times, I will stop myself and make sure I'm not intellectualising my experience (mentalising my own feelings, in a sense). You can fool yourself into believing you are experiencing a certain emotion by comparing it with other experiences where you felt something similar (a narcissistic mechanism, I hear) I think you're spot on, Sam. Wonderful videos. Your vocabulary and erudition (woah!) is astounding and a pleasure to hear Thank you, again, for sharing it.

@bandumathithennakoon1683 6 ай бұрын

How do you fool yourself by identifying a emotion and then other examples of it in similar scenarios? Can you explain? My English is not good but I hope you understand or give link where I can read about this. I have this and iam unable to function. It has gotten really bad. I absorb a lot of emotion but I can't identify what those are neither my own. Thank you!

@forgoroe 6 ай бұрын

@@bandumathithennakoon1683 it's quite difficult to convey through a message, but I hope I can make it justice in few words: meditation (practice). Let's assume you've been practising identifying emotions for some time. You find yourself confident in being able to accurately pick up on what the emotion you're feeling is; and now you recognise that noticing and identifying an emotion gives you relief. You notice this and you begin to rely on it to the point that now it becomes, "if I identify emotions correctly I will feel better"--in that instant you have stopped feeling. You are thinking. The expectation of relief is now driving your identifying of the emotion. This is not feeling. Notice that, return to the bodily sensations--if you feel "lost" (whatever that means to you), return to paying attention to the breath. Feel. If you forget what feeling is like, notice the sensations in your body without the label/emotion name: ache, constricted heart, tight throat, chest... Burning. (For example.) In psychology this may be referred to as "bottom-up" processing: you're trying to facilitate and prioritise your senses, physical sensations, and emotions over and above thoughts. When you're really confused: ask yourself, "who or what is confused?". Listen. Without thought. Good luck 👍🤞 P.S. there are many different types of meditation. A Google search will help you get you started (if you're unfamiliar). I recommend "open awareness" type meditations for feeling/understanding your experience beyond words. If you don't know what I mean with my last statement ("feeling/experience beyond words"), meditate, and you will eventually (!) Take care, banduma 🙏

@Soleil-vk9ts 6 ай бұрын

I see myself way too much of this... These are my notes : Anankastia linked with dissociality and negative activity we get something that is roughly equivalent of NPD. Extreme rigidy, perfectionnism, stuborness, perseverance, passove aggression. (see the litterature to learn about different degree of this) Alexithymia is a rejection of emotion (Joyce McDougall). emotion is denied, repressed as if doesn't exist. Belief : emotion is a weakness, a vulnerabilty, disruptive and dangerous, an imperfection, a dysfunction. Emotions render them imperfect. Alexithymia is a pursuit of perfection. Alexithymia and Anakastia are linked then."If you're a perfectionnist you need to supress your emotions." where does it comes from ? Not sure yet. Impacts of alexithymia on relationship : in the absence of emotions there is no relationship. (period). Sex is a way to communicate emotion (extension of emotion). Cognitions are related to emotion. Memories cannot be recalled without emotion (impared access to emotion = leads to overwhelming dissociation/memory gasps). Absence of memory means absence of identity leading to problem in relationship. 16:21 No attachment. Unable to form bonds. Superficial relationships. 16:35 Can't tell the difference between internal object and external object. Distant and non-assertive social functionning. Difficulties in identifying and describing emotional states in self and in others Impaired of understanding and demonstration of relational affection (study 2008). 18:30 intimacy can never grow. All interpersonal relationship are founded on emotion (reading of emotion, anticipation, interpretation, experiencing..). 21:00 Alexithymia : It reflects a set of expectations of oneself = a need of cleansing oneself from his monstruosity (catastrophizing = i'm bad, i'm going to hurt people).Withdrawal symptoms and avoidant strategy. 22:50 the child chooses to not feel, to repress emotions (just like a narcissist) refuse to access his postive emotions seen as dangerous and risky. Negative emotions are seen as a way to accomplish things. 25:00 infants (from latin : not speaking) divorced from their emotions by reason of their immaturity. 28:00 Alexithymia in childhood. (ill keep going later)

@christianzelinka2071 6 ай бұрын

14:06 memories can not be recalled without emotions - we create them on the fly wow this is a huge help and explains much❤❤❤!

@samvaknin 6 ай бұрын

Search the channel for “memor”.

@katrinarodriguez1975 6 ай бұрын

Yes this is really informative ❤Thank you Sam V.❤️

@daathdorothiel 6 ай бұрын

Abuse survivor ADHD patient here, with autism spectrum disorder (clinical diagnosis is in process, self diagnosed as a medical student). Thank you for your work.

@grummelameise 6 ай бұрын

families with undiagnosed adhd and autism in parents or siblings are often toxic to the hilt. i have exactly what you have, and i blocked 3 siblings and one parent totally, my father is only blocked on phone, but i can get by with him allright. the problem is the adhd. people wont believe in having it, the more severe it is. because IF they have it, then all failings in life are essentially their own fault - but if your siblings or parents dont have it, then its YOUR fault, or someone elses, or it was the circumstances. so, its always fingerpointing on the black sheep of the week, it goes in circles, becauses everyone has an adhd crisis once in a while, and the one wth the crisis ist the bad one. also, its a kinda tight knit trauma bond group, that prevents you from getting out. look into cognitive emphathy vs intuitive empathy, it will help you out with the alexthymia. also, elvanse was a great help for me for emotions, still is. i have great insights when taking elvanse. good luck

@416guintee 6 ай бұрын

Excellent analysis. This fills a gap in my thinking and understanding of covert nacissism. Thank you

@jgalebrubeck1838 6 ай бұрын

Excellent!

@ioannababeta1333 6 ай бұрын

Thank you, professor S.Vaknin,always a pleasure watching your videos!

@acushlanarayanan9863 4 ай бұрын

"Empathic people like me". Hats off, Professor Vaknin! 🙂🙂 And thank you for this video! I'd been underestimating the importance of being in touch with one's emotions, and had forgotten about the profound impact that the expression of difficult emotions has on our lives.

@officialstace2634 6 ай бұрын

Professor Vaknin, I’m a daily listener. Thank you so much for the content. Would you consider describing the narcissist and borderline competition? Or the narcissistic relationship competition? One thing I found striking was the profound realization, oh! He’s competing with me! Not admiring me. I work at a semi high level in the music industry. One time I was slightly attracted to a coworker. Water cooler stuff. Only to realize, I was game piece in a narc dyad. It was one of the more disturbing realizations I’ve come to understand

@samvaknin 6 ай бұрын

Search the channel for “envy”.

@alexander191297 6 ай бұрын

Love the video Dr Vaknin and oh goodness… my ex had traits of covert narcissism, including anankastic traits. In the mornings, she absolutely had to squat and scroll on her phone prior to using the bathroom to “prepare” for her stool. I tried to talk to her when she was squatting, but no way, I would be her worst enemy if I did… as I’d be a disturbance to her. Throwing the trash out with my regular slippers also was a taboo, mind you, in *my* very own flat. After her studies, it was also an issue that I talked to her because I didn’t let her “just shut down” for a while. I was supposed to just not talk after whenever she came back home, not her telling me whenever she didn’t feel like it (because it’s oh so abnormal for couples to talk after the work day). And me, I gesticulate too much… talk too much… too loudly… shake too much when I’m next to her… whatever criticism she could find, just to get me to behave in a way that conforms with her version of “reasonable”. And I should have known that she repressed emotions because when her paternal grandpa died who she apparently was super close to, she didn’t even shed a tear, that day, saying it’s “just life”… but when she got rejected for a PhD programme she applied for, she was in a whole week of misery (bruised ego). And, Dr Vaknin, I have been with a borderline before, and she was the polar opposite in many regards. No perfectionism and attacks against my character, but definitely the approach-abandonment cycle (random blocking and obsessive calling, etc.) which was also quite crazy-making. But my last ex’s anankastia was extreme, for real, I oftentimes felt unheard and not empathised with, but after seeing this video, it all makes more sense now.

@alexander191297 6 ай бұрын

@@ilsedemolder3973 It’s funny, because somehow the breakup itself wasn’t really that painful but more liberating, it was more the fear of losing the relationship that was worse than what came after it. And again, I don’t know if she was a narcissist or not, but her behaviours definitely indicated that this might be the case, though again, I’m not a psychologist so am unable to diagnose anyone.

@grummelameise 6 ай бұрын

sounds more like autism or adhd. strong need for routines and rituals, the routines can look totally bizarre. upset or in absolute rage when interrupted. yeah, not narcissistic, not bipolar. id say autism. you tend to order people around when you dont know whats up with your feelings, complain, need peace, but dont know why, and so on. also the just life thing. typical autism. at least from my experience. following rules like the slippers thing, just because they are the rules. people told me the same thing when my brother died age 20. had huge arguments why i didnt grieve, and why i would laugh. to be honest, you should really try to aks autistic people whats up with your ex girlfriend. i dont think she is malignant like a carcissist. female autism is hard to spot. they a better actors then men. tell her. she needs to know.

@Jen18878 6 ай бұрын

Whatever disorder she has, the way she treated you and spoke to you was wrong and had a negative impact on you so it's good you ended things. Just keep going no contact even if she tries to hoover you. She's not going to change and you need to think of your own mental health. Being with someone with this type of attitude will never be good for your mental health.

@janndoe3718 6 ай бұрын

Brilliant new insight for me. Add the ven diagram of PTSD.

@Charlie_AF 6 ай бұрын

So interesting! I have a high functioning 27 yo son with autism. We worked on his theory of mind quite a bit. Years later, I realized that my husband (now I know he is a narc) has these same issues among many others. I wondered if autism and narcissism were related….

@dorinadorina8652 6 ай бұрын

👍

@phinton314 2 ай бұрын

This might be the most important idea that links together all human relational functioning.

@ninablessing9350 6 ай бұрын

I was recently diagnosed with BPD and OCPD(anankastia) at 38. After hearing you state that they cannot co-exist I am now even less confident in the BPD diagnosis.

@samvaknin 6 ай бұрын

BPD and OCPD can be comorbid.

@ninablessing9350 6 ай бұрын

@@samvaknin okay. I totally agree that alexithymia is a secondary to anankastia. And the bpd dx I received is strange because I have been called cold very often..so I am not a typical bpd..maybe "covert borderline"..Shashaneem ☺️

@acushlanarayanan9863 4 ай бұрын

Another reason why a person might reject emotions is if emotions are perceived to make him/her vulnerable to attack. The emotions themselves are not seen as imperfect, but the individual believes that they can be used by other people to compromise his/her interests. When no such conflict exists, the individual does feel his/her own emotions, quite freely. I don't know how this works in relation to other people's emotions, however.