Oh Humans, Those Whacky Space Orcs

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#voiceover #humansarespaceorcs #spaceorcs

[@PMSeymour]

THE LAST DAY FOR THE LEMON PLUSH!! GO GO~! www.makeship.com/products/cosmic-wonders-lemon-and-dango-gang

[@jamesstewart5706]

The 7in diameter hail that fell on my home town last week disagrees with the assessment that inside is safe.

[@solitudeZEdemon]

More. More. More. I need more of this comedy gold. Humans are SPACE ORCCCCCCCC

[@gaeridallmariegrey5888]

It wasn't just a dog. It was a gift from his dead wife and the last thing he had to remember her.

[@Ishtarru]

That dog was basically the last shred of happiness in his life.

[@kamenkuma05]

Yeah, if we all had that same sort of “I’m sorry, *what*” reaction to the Alien saying that dogs are “lower life forms,” imagine what John would have done

[@AngelDame17]

There's also the undercurrent of Greek Mythology throughout the entire movie but that just makes it even more confusing.

[@SilverSaiyanAce]

I didn't know that part I haven't actually been able to watch the full movie, I've only heard basic plot points, seen clips, and everything I know is from the memes

[@darienb1127]

Yes, but the alien did not know that.

[@babyjeebies9871]

* sounds of violent assault * He's fine y'all don't worry

[@meteorblade9993]

H: Oh man it's hailing pretty bad. A: Yes, But Human Jake said it should be fine if stay inside- H: For the little ones, but sometimes it gets bad. A: ... H: Atleast it's not big and strong enough to damage the car. A: Human Tom... what are you talking about. H: In my youth there was hail storm which had hail about the size of golf balls, resulting in large scale damages in my country. So many car roofs that had to be repaired, not to mention trees and house roof tiles that needed to be replaced. A: Golfballs. You had the planet raining ice the size of- H: Yup, Golfballs made out of ice, travelling quite fast that they made dents into metal. A: Are you sure this planet isn't a Death world. H: It doesn't happen enough to be real worry, higher chance of a place being hit by a Hurricane. A: Again! DEATH. WORLD.

[@TAGfrost]

H: Not to mention in some places hail is a sign of a tornado. A powerful wind storm created by temperature differences in the atmosphere as warm air rushes to the outer atmosphere too quickly.

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

H 2: Please, if this was really a death world, given you're not in a hazmat suit, you'd have already died from one of our many pathogens making a zoonotic leap. We already know you should be susceptible, given you're perfectly capable of breathing our atmosphere, therefore indicating that you are carbon based... Could be differences in genetic code, but you'd still be at risk from parasites, and those get nasty if you are not the intended host.

[@CiaranMaxwell]

H3: Golf balls? Come back when you have grapefruit sized hail. It looked like the Army had used our property as target practice. Had so many holes in our roof I legitimately thought there was a light up there I didn't know about. Went to check it out, nope, just holes in the roof.

[@NishiTheRat]

you seem to forget the biggest hail was rather recent and was about the size of a bowling ball

[@CiaranMaxwell]

@@NishiTheRat ... what size bowling ball?

[@Localcatgirl_]

Head canon for space orcs universe, many humans were given alien roommates so they can learn about us, and this is just tuning into a bunch of different peoples houses

[@RaxusXeronos]

"At least we don't put mammary glands the size of planets on them." "No Zarlok, you exaggerate the features YOUR people find attractive, I've seen your equivelant!" "I....uh....ok fair."

[@angelmatiastorres]

H: hey, wanna play a card game on the holo-table? A: hm? Sure, what the card game called? _Few Hours later_ H: Uno. A: _brimming with cards_ *YOU ARE THE WORST HUMAN-* _their translator stops working by translation overload_

[@Xifihas]

H2: Damn, good thing we weren’t playing Uno No Mercy. That would have probably started a war.

[@angelmatiastorres]

A: _cursing tirade_ H: _thinking_ i wonder if they are cursing my entire lineage?

[@singletona082]

H: ....thank God I didn't break out monopoly. H2: Bro.... No. you wanna start a war? Nobody can play that game withotu wanting ot murder someone. H: Hence why I'm glad we didn't pick that. Last time, my brother went at me with a baseball bat after- A: AND THIS IS A GAME YOU /WILLINGLY/ PLAY?! H2: Well... see it was originally a Quaker thing called 'the landlord game' to showcase how broken and predatory rent seeking economics are .... and then it got bought, sold, and marketed as family entertainment. A: Again. WHY do you willingly play this game? H: To crush your enemies. To see them driven before you. And to hear the lamentations of their women. *H1 and H2 fistbump*

[@squiddwizzard8850]

​@@singletona082 as a Quaker I am disgusted. Monopoly is so bad.

[@singletona082]

@@squiddwizzard8850 In absolute fairness? the whole point was to show 'this is what capitalism does to people so, y'know. Don't.'

[@briannamations]

A: Human? H: Yeah, what’s up? A: What is that small device you have in your hand? H: Oh, this is a fidget toy. A: And what exactly is this object used for? H: Well it’s something that I use to help me focus on something and it can help reduce stress and anxiety. There are also different types of fidget toys but this is the one that I personally use. A: Interesting… do you have one that I could experiment with? H: Uh yeah sure, here ya go. * hands them a fidget toy * Later… A: Hmm… H: So, what do you think? A: This is strangely very pleasant.

[@haydenrobbie7368]

the one about hail made me laugh... becuase you've never been in an Australian hail storm... they can't get to fist size and are often spikey...

[@AvoiceInYourheadd]

A: Damn it! At this rate I’m never going to finish this report on earth fauna in time! H: I can help with that if you want A: Oh thank you, are you a biologist by any chance? H: I guess you can say that. My partner and I know more about earths creatures than anyone else on the planet. A: that remains to be seen but I’ll gladly take any help I can get. Thank you mister- H: please, just call me Owen.

[@sethicusiii7878]

Dont worry (wipes blood from face) he's *fine*

[@drakordarkstar]

A:Human how does your species get so much knowledge on alien races? H:what is it this time? A:like the glin-dulaq *points to likelikes from zelda* even got down the part where they absorb solid matter for food, but they don't hurt though. H:WAIT THEY'RE REAL!? A:surprising....you truly didn't know....how does your species keep doing this? H:hell if I know i'm just terrified of the prospect of those things existing. A:probably a bad time to mention the draxanor who can spit acid *points to killer croc from batman" H:*walks away and screams into pillow*

[@dinodude8899]

I just love the idea of all the various aliens and monsters we made actually being real aliens that either are *exactly* how we described them, or almost completely opposite.

[@ashleg8350]

0:48 they're becoming self aware....

[@kaylaa2204]

Gleep Glorp translating to “I don’t believe in Martian Rights” implies one of two things A very information dense language where words are formed based on a series of rules to convey very specific information (there’s a term for this kind of language I can’t remember it) Or the language lacks many grammatical particles where gleep is to disbelieve and glorp is specifically Martian rights, or vice versa depending on grammar structure.

[@tomasrolter6729]

A: stressed "Human, what is this?" points to a 7-foot she-wolf running towards them, leaving burn marks on the ground. H: "And this is Laika, she is my companion." he starts stroking her fur and rubbing his face into her. A: "How? When? It looks like it's about to eat us." H: "During one of the missions, my ship made an emergency landing on the snowy moon of the planet [DATA EXPUNGED]. While searching for materials, I came across her as a puppy. You know about our love for all things fluffy, so here you go. Plus, she's very warm, which helps me sleeping." A: "You humans should repair your ships on orbit more."

[@westontaylor6693]

3:33"it's not dangerous enough to be" We have hail the size of baseballs around here (western Kansas) how that gets over the rocky mountain range, but not enough rain to prevent our constant drought, (save for when it floods like right now) is a mystery to me. I swear this is why most people leave when they graduate highschool, usually to return when they have kids.

[@tristancruver4527]

4:31 oh cool, my Dog's name was Danger

[@Lectrikfro]

Tell your dog "the internet says Hi"

[@minicrewmate7865]

i could metaphysically hear the prowler theme kick in as soon as i heard and read "what did you just say".

[@feuerling]

0:32 the gene affects how humans taste certain compounds which are bitter and poisonous, and produced by a lot of plants to discourage animals from eating them. The plant family of the umbellifers contains many popular herbs like dill, parsley in its first year of growth, cilantro, and vegetables like celery, fennel, and carrots, but also poisonous plants like hemlock, giant hogweed, and parsley in its second year of growth. (Parsley becomes poisonous when it blooms.) These plants are doing their best to be unpalatable and humans started breeding them for the flavor. The flavor created by poison. The poison created specifically to stop animals from eating them. So cilantro is _technically_ poisonous, but you would have to eat more than any reasonable person would be comfortable with to get sick. Human Bob is just more sensitive to the flavor of that poison.

[@daviddragonheart6798]

Same with cinnamon. You'll dehydrate long before your stomach ruptures, and that will happen before you even eat enough for it to be poisonous ENOUGH to be a danger.

[@JayHog1992]

A: Human, I've been watching videos of this game. H: Which one? (Checks) Oh, Deep Rock Galactic, fun game about silly dwarves. A: Well, the dwarves might not be real, but there is a planet like that they're mining. H: I beg your pardon? A: Yeah, a planet covered in gold and lots of minerals, even more than these videos depict. But currently there's nobody actually attempting to mine said planet. H: I see... Would you be kind to tell me the coordinates of this said planet...? A: Please don't start yelling Rock and Stone, that sentence makes absolutely no sense!

[@jeronimoheuchert3786]

FOR ROCK AND STONE

[@ThomasTrickster]

Alien: Human Jack? Human: Yeah? A: Human Derek has requested your help with carrying stuff from the cargo bay. Can you go help him? H: Alright, give me a moment... ( *Gets up from his chair and cracks his knuckles* ) A: WHAT THE- HOLY ( *alien curse* ) ARE YOU OKAY? H: Hmm? A: HUMAN JACK, WE NEED TO GET YOU TO THE INFIRMARY NOW! H: Woah buddy, calm down I'm fine! A: But.... you just broke your fingers! H: Oh that? No, my fingers are fine. A: Then..... what made that sound? H: Over time, us humans get bubbles in between our bones. A: Oh my, is there any repercussions from not popping them? H: Nah A: Then why do you pop them? H: It.... sounds cool..... A: ...... Why am i surprised.... Other Human: ( *far in the distance.* ) It also feels good!

[@sytritewarum5720]

It also limbers them up if they're already stiff.

[@daviddragonheart6798]

Releases stress on the joints, this release in pressure resulting in a typically pleasurable sensation. Typically. Sometimes it hurts a little, and in some areas it really is painful or dangerous to even try popping it (spinal column comes to mind). Rumor states it leads to arthritis, but there is no correlation to this claim, and more likely only a falsehood spread by those who simply just hate the sound it makes.

[@ThomasTrickster]

@@daviddragonheart6798 Well, it feels good to _me_

[@GemDreamTale]

"Hello danger... " Ya damn right hello danger do NOT speak of our adorable non human bbys as if they are LESSER! THEY ARE OUR PRECIOUS BBYS!

[@arcticdragon8593]

Human:*checks fridge, finds nothing appetizing* Alien: Human, you just checked your cold device for food... H: The fridge, yeah. Didn't find anything good. Why? A: Did you not check the fridge for the same purpose less than a minute ago? H: I mean yeah. I tried checking again. A: Are you not familiar with your own species's definition of insanity? No one has put new food in there. H: Oh, no, I'm not expecting a different result. The second time I checked was with lower standards. A:... H:... A: Don't- H: I'mma check again A: AAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH

[@somerandomgal3915]

A: *sees someone take adhd meds* A: Human? Why are you taking a CNS? H: Oh, I have a neurological condition called ADHD. It makes one a bit more forgetful, distracted and it's also difficult to control your focus. A: You mean... even more so than usual with you humans... H: Yeah, and I kinda need to take my every day to modulate the more hindering side effects of it. A: But aren't your 'meds' considered illegal in even some of your own countries for being an addictive substance?? H: Yes, that's why I need a diagnosis and prescription for these first. A: ... H: Hey! I have more trouble remembering to take those than to go without for some time. A: I see... At least it's going to be an easy process to get a diagnosis for your ADHD early, right? H: ... A: ...right? H: You'd think, they would've made it ADHD friendly. A: ... A: Human, when did you get your diagnosis? H: ... H: ... three years ago. (Is themselves 25 years old)

[@Skirt553]

A: Human, I have a question. H: I *might* have an answer! :D A: ... *sigh*

[@singletona082]

Yaaay the return of Nerva! I missed ya buddy! Seymour, you are consistantly a joy to listen to. Thank you.

[@darienb1127]

(After the Parasite X talk): (Points to a picture of a Metroid) so are THESE things real too!? No, but there is a similar species to it. Unlike your game, these creatures help to take care of smaller pests in our ecosyst- where did he go? Command? Yeah, I'm going to need every single ounce of Nitrogen you have PRONTO! NoNONONONO

[@trixiebewitched]

Explaining the waffle house index: H: "Yeah we dont evacuate from hail or any storms really, until waffle house closes" A: "what is a waffle house and why do you wait for it to close before evacuating? Wouldnt a house made of waffles crumble in a storm?" H: "oh no, its a restaraunt that stays open 24hrs 7 days a week, even on holidays. The food is trash, the people even worse. But since theyre always open, rain, sleet, snow, or shine, when it closes due to weather that means the weather IS DEADLY. Its called the Waffle house Index. We also have a Pizza Index but i wont get into THAT complicated mess." A: WHAT?! WHY DO YOU RELY ON RESTARAUNTS TO TELL YOU TO EVACUATE?! WHAT IS THIS PIZZA INDEX AND WHAT DOES IT MEAN? Why are you humans so weirdly foodbased?

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

H: *Looks at them confused* Food is one of the most basic needs for any animal, honestly it's weird that you aren't *more* food orientated.

[@jeronimoheuchert3786]

Anything but metric

[@jordanhunter3375]

🎵Hello Danger, my old friend🎵

[@bumblebeetlebee5187]

1:06 woah man the person who wrote that must be really cool. like reaaallly cool. and super hot. i wonder who it could possibly be! 🤷🤷😎

[@The-gender-goblin]

1:26 Kyle is just a lil silly

[@wingidon]

A:*points at a platypus* A: Human... what is this? H: That's a platypus. A: It looks like an amalgamation of other species, H: There's more. You know what a mammal is, yes? A: ...Yes? H: Well this one lays eggs. A: Really? H: Yeah, there's only five species that do that and four of them are echidnas. A: ...I'm not even going to ask what an "echidna" is. Was this "platypus" the result of some sort of genetic experiment? H: Nope. It just sorta happened. A: You can't be serious... H: Seriously, we have no idea what's up with those things. A: ...Is everything in this "Australia" this weird? H: Yep. People even joke about how just about everything in the country could kill a person, though that's a mild exaggeration. A: Even the smaller creatures, such as spiders? H: You clearly haven't been here for long if you think spiders are small enough to be harmless. There's this thing called a Whistling Spider down here, and it's large enough to even eat some smaller species of birds! A: ...and you humans are okay with this? H: Some people even have them as pets! A: Your planet and species confuse and frighten me sometimes.

[@music-lv3dl]

Alien walks in on Michael just staring at images of Venus A: Human Mike what are you doing? H: looking at pictures of Venus, disappointed that humanity has been so focused on Mars. I mean yeah it’s probably cheaper than going to Venus but… man i just wanna know how it ended up like that. A: The… Greenhouse Effect..? H: no, we know that. just how specifically A: I am rather concerned about your obsession with the hell planet that takes 248 Earth days to have its own single day. H: you don’t get it. Michael proceeds to ramble about Venus for a good hour or so A: HUMAN MICHAEL I AM BEGGING YOU TO STOP TALKING ABOUT VENUS H: and I personally think that we should go back there because even if the Soviets already did why can’t we? Anyway…

[@Nobodydigausta]

Ah! Chibidoki jumpscare!

[@Katlove687]

These videos are so much fun

[@Bukki13]

A: *looking at Destroy All Humans* You really believed we would behave like this? H: Well you see, we assume that anything that isn’t us is hostile until proven otherwise. A: Okay that makes sense I guess

[@thecowardlytimelord5322]

I can't write one of these situations convincingly but i wonder how an alien would react to me who mostly plays video games that are older than I am and buys and collects way too much Lego paying way too much getting particularly rare older sets

[@Ryu_D]

Thank you for the video.

[@terdragontra8900]

It does annoy me just a tad when the alien is surprised and annoyed at things that would in fact be pretty normal across life in the universe (such as genes that are useless)

[@dustypaladin9216]

Ok but in space orc canon there is no way the alien would think dogs are lesser beings, if anything they would be upset that a human attacked a superior lifeform

[@DylanDraper1]

Gleep Glorp.

[@blakehamilton2489]

... how could you casually say that around my friend Gerald

[@lancer434]

Sure he is

[@jakecarroll9500]

You don’t fuck with a human’s dog.

[@gelusvenn5063]

People who insist 'anime' is not the same thing as cartoons always pisses me off. Especially since Japan itself doesn't make that goddamn distinction, King of the Hill is a very popular American Anime over there. Though I am 100% sure there are Westaboos that insist "cartoon" is different and special because of exoticism.

[@traviskrebs7551]

Anime is industry, anything not made by that industry is not anime. A simple explanation is to compare it to cars, there are many types of cars, but you have to be made by Ferrari to be called a Ferrari

[@traxthetrashwizard]

I'm kind if curious; Is there some description of what the alien character in these videos looks like? Is there some kind of agreed upon design for the alien?

[@TallboyDave]

As far as I've been able to determine, when PM's doing these, the alien in question is his OC alien Nerva.

[@theclodofclods]

Man I'm late

[@alex-el-boludo-10]

WHY DOES THE BACKGROUND MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE ARGENTINE CUMBIA?!

[@jeanfalconer6377]

Cillantro=Corriandr.

[@ambunt]

gleerp glorp

[@gusty7153]

GLEEP GLORP! *suddenly loud phonk music plays as i flex pose*

[@beepboop9712]

Let the Martians have rights

[@dudemcduder1628]

@@beepboop9712no last time they had rights they wiped out over 1 billion people on Earth, tried terraforming our planet, then died because of disease they failed to immunize themselves from

[@deloreanrc]

@@beepboop9712 The Martians can have their rights when they stop invading with their blasted Tripods. That said the Royal Navy has commissioned HMS Thunderchild II and the Captain of it has stated he is eager for "Round 2".

[@PlayrR3D156]

​@@gusty7153 I understood that reference

[@outerspaceproduction]

(HE'S NOT FINE)

[@rando5638]

He is still emotionally recovering from the VERY stern talking-to that he was given regarding his _(admittedly unintentional, hence his continued existence)_ ignorance of the symbiotic relationship between dogs and humans.

[@genericname6568]

BRO THE WHIPLASH OF ENDING THE VIDEO AND THEN READING THIS IS CRAZY. I CANT. AAAA

[@riverstein7251]

Today Alien learns that humans can and will kill for “lower life forms.” Tomorrow Alien will learn about our insane ability to pack bond with literally anything and our overall huge capacity for empathy-once human Kyle is done beating the sh*t out of him of course.

[@UndeadGhostGirl]

Don't worry, he's just been lightly beaten.

[@outerspaceproduction]

@@riverstein7251 Oh, yes, of course.

[@RoseKindred]

A: Human, I have stumbled upon one of your deposits of knowledge. H: Ummmm, where? A: It was a place with a character of us in white on a red circle. There was a whole section dedicated to accounts of human victories in space. H: Uhhhh, what? Oh yeah. "HFY." Great place, good reads. A: Why have you forgone your space fairing ways? Are you perhaps "mellow-yellow-ing out?" H: What? No. We barely made it past the moon. Those are just, writings. You know, fiction. A: *mumbles... Or perhaps they are plans. I must inform the council at once.

[@DuckiesLeDuck]

The Jenkinverse :O Love those stories-

[@tvhead2426]

can somebody tell me what does HFY means?

[@RoseKindred]

@@tvhead2426 Humanity, (b_leep) Yeah! Basically a collection of stories in Sci-fi and fantasy where aliens learn not to mess with those from a class "X" Deathworld!

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

​@@RoseKindredAlthough given that we have no other examples of planets capable of creating sapient life, we might be garden world. Hell, a lot of HFY assumes active plate tectonics is a sign of a death world, when we're 90% sure, that active plate tectonics prevents the soil from being depleted of important metals... Also, volcanic soil is some of the most fertile on the planet, so...

[@tvhead2426]

Thanks you two

[@Smok_Argus]

Alien: Human, why are you lighting that twig on fire inside of the ship!? It's a firehazard! Human: What? Oh, you mean, this? It's called an incense, it is harmless. Alien: But why are you burning it? Human: Well, we do that because upon burning, they smell nice and help you relax. Alien: ... you find setting things on fire relaxing. Human: No, that's not what I said. I said we find SMELL of the burning thing relaxing. Alien: ... that doesn't make it better.

[@singletona082]

'Oh come on now it's relatively safe. Little catcher for the ash, in a place where if it tips over it won't hit anything flammable. Plus Ceader smoke.

[@danjames8314]

* slam * * slam * * slam * * slam * * slam * "human Derek what the hell is wrong with human James?" "uhhh, lemmie just... ah. siege" "why did you just spout a tactic at me?" "its a game" "...if *that* can happen then why does he play it" "beats me." '..." "..." "is this a common reaction?" * slightly muffled * "FUCKING SOLO QUEUE!"

[@wooblydooblygod3857]

I hate siege, why tf does anyone play it? Genuinely a garbage ass game. Never play it. (I am going to hop right back on immediately)

[@singletona082]

At this point i just assume it's an SCP cognetohazard and just... try to avoid ever touching it.

[@dividewalker5673]

Humanity would go to _war_ over a slain dog. Not just an individual, but a nation.

[@UltimaDoombotMK1]

They've been to war over a bucket before, a dog isn't the most ridiculous thing to declare war over.

[@sensha5470]

@@UltimaDoombotMK1explain. now.

[@darienb1127]

​@@sensha5470I also need to hear about this. I know about the Emu War, but not this

[@bluelfsuma]

Wasn't a war waged over a single pig?

[@EmeraldCheetah-QC]

​@@sensha5470 If you want an oversimplification, OverSimplified created a video on it. "The War of the Bucket"

[@Taijirai]

John Wick is not killing other humans over a lower life form. He's killing them over the death of his family. His best friend. His only son. His name was Andy 😢

[@singletona082]

He was his wife's final show of love, and hope that he would be OK after she was gone. And some two bit wannabe punk killed that for no reason other than 'because i could because daddy lets me have anything I want because my daddy is some russian shitbag that everyone is so afraid of they will let me do as I like.'

[@mariagil2170]

​@@singletona082please dont curse that's super bad for you! God bless you Jesus loves you sir or ma'am❤

[@tverdyznaqs]

4:02 Oh I love that little twist at the end there! It gave the "Alien" character a certain degree of depth that isn't usually there since within this genre he mostly acts as a foil to the human he's conversing with. Dare I say, it "humanized" him! :D

[@A-crying-mess-50]

I hate that I found that funny.

[@RivuletClone]

FOURTH WALL BREAK LET'S GO.

[@SorielHDTBers]

I love those.

[@_redniel_]

and it took over SIX YEARS

[@Shythalia]

(Alien shows the human around their planet's nature) A: See those small lizards on those trees? When they eat enough bioluminescent bugs, they get to glow themselves. H: Wow! That's so cool! A: Indeed! But they need to be careful when they choose to glow because there are birds that prey on them. H: Ooh, of course. What about that one over there? (points at a big mammalian predator in the distance) A: Ahh! Oh no! It's dangerous to be this close to one of them! They have incredibly sharp teeth & claws and their fur's color patterns helps them blend in with their surroundings! They're very effective hunters, too! We need to leave before it spots us! H: I want one. A: .... What?! H: Can I have one of those? :) A: WHY??! H: It's so cute. :3 A: But it's dangerous! It will maul us! H: When has that ever stopped humanity from giving animals the pets they deserve? A: I'm leaving you here.

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

H: Look, at this point, we've either successfully tamed or domesticated every mammalian predator on our planet at least once, except wolverines and I think maybe a few bear species, but I'm not entirely sure on that last one ... One of them technically domesticated themselves, but that's besides the point. A: Why?! H: Because they are friend shaped, and therefore they shall be friend.

[@chatinmonarchives6894]

H: Don't you have thorough documentation on introducing an invasive species?

[@aaronalkor]

And for those that we didn’t domesticate, we made them extinct, oftentimes for the wrong reasons (Tasmanian Tiger)

[@daviddragonheart6798]

@@aaronalkor The ones we didnt domesticate, it wasnt from the lack of trying, that's for damn sure.

[@oligb1469]

Human in full riot gear: Run!!! Alien: Human what are you-AHHHHHH! Honey badger: *charging and hissing with murderous intent* Alien: *Now running with the human* What is that creature and is it so angry!? Human: I pepper sprayed it and I think it got addicted!

[@fictionfan0]

Alien: **screams in pain** Human: What? What happened? A: How in the name of Jehfash can something liquid be so sharp? H: Liquid? Sha-- **sees the can of Pepsi** Oh, you're drinking soda. Yeah, that's probably the carbonation. A: Am I to understand that you infuse drinks with carbon to the point where it causes physical pain inside your mouth? And you just casually have this in your cold storage unit like it *isn't* meant to be used as a form of torture? H: What can I say? We like the bubbles. A: ...I swear, this is the jalapeño thing all over again.

[@NoteBard]

*Chris walks into the kitchen at like 4 in the morning looking all paranoid* A: Human, why are- *Chris screams* A: Human, HUMAN! It's only me! *Chris takes a deep breath and breathes a sigh of relief* A: Are you alright? You're normally asleep at this hour H: What? Oh yeah, I just couldn't sleep, I was watching some analog horror stuff A: Analog... horror? H: Oh yeah, it's a subgenre of horror, aka the things that scare us. It basically uses intentionally old technology to make something that seems familiar but *juuuust* odd enough to scare us. A: And you watch this... why? H: Cool stories and adrenaline A: But if it keeps you from doing your basic human functions like sleeping, then why do you consume it? H: I mean, I think there's some sort of evolutionary purpose to be into fear and stuff, but I don’t know, man. Something about the uncanny valley that means we're afraid of things that look like people but aren't. A: Why would you need that trait? H: Because- ...wait... A: Human...? H: I WON'T BE TAKEN BY A FUCKING ALTERNATE TODAY I SWEAR TO-

[@riverstein7251]

Cue Alien doing hours of research in an attempt to find and explain the difference between his species and Alternates to Human Chris in an effort to calm him down. Alien unlocks a new fear upon realizing what humans call “Alternates” is actually a very real Alien species that is normally peaceful, but apparently a subset of them have been terrorizing humans in their free time.

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

​@@riverstein7251fun fact, there's a HFY story about a shape-shifting alien species that are known as "The Galaxies Diplomats". Turns out, they visited earth early enough in our evolution and hunted us for sport, making that the reason behind our sense of the Uncanny Valley. After a diplomatic incident during humanities induction into the galactic Council, turns out that species had been hunting *EVERY* species in the council. Can't remember it's name, but it was a good read.

[@sensha5470]

@@riverstein7251i need this story

[@ismayonnaiseaninstrument8700]

@@riverstein7251Wait, you mean the *[redacted]?* Yeah, _those are the reason we don't go into the forest at night, despite it being right outside our doorstep._ It's fine, so long as you _respect their space and time of day,_ and it's safest if you don't interact with them in any way._ Don't think about them either, or you'll increase the odds of encountering them. (I'm not joking, either. There's a good reason most traditional 'grim' fairy tales and eldritch stories play out in small towns and rural communities. But it's fine. So long as you don't piss them off. You should be more concerned with your human neighbors, and so long as you have good neighbors, don't mess with the wildlife, and have good insulation, you're in the clear.)

[@crowgrabber_former_er5bb8yb2t]

​@@riverstein7251*speed dials the scp foundation* "Dr.crow here, release the scp-REDACTED, their just aliens....... yes give them planetary restraining orders....... ok see you later." -Dr.crow

[@AbadonXXX]

“Human I was confused by what another human called “plastic crack”. But then I thought about the warhammer figures you have and the statues they had and I am leaving you a card for my accountant to sort your finances out.” -nerva probably

[@Mr.Eous_Mann]

Funny thing, anime is called anime because its literally cartoons(or animation) in japanese.

[@ranwolf76]

A: Human, What are you watching now? H: Aliens A: *Confused* But I'm right... Nevermind... What is this movie about? H: Basically a military expedition is sent to investigate a colony that went silent. A: Sounds interesting. May I join you? H: Sure. A: *Sees the Xenomorphs in action for the first time.* That's preposterous. The Ci'Lathra are nothing like this. H: The what now? A: The Ci'Lathra. They're basically like your Earth cows. And they're yellow. H: Dafuq?

[@dinodude6992]

Alien: human, what are you playing? Human: oh? I'm playing halo Alien: and what's it about? Human: you want the short version or the long version? Alien: short version Human: a religious coalition of alien civilizations work together to wipe out the human race because of a lie. Alien: the long version now, please? *40 HOURs LATER!* Human: and thus concludes the lore of all of the halo series. alien: ... you know human... you may have just opened my eyes Human: oh? and that is? Alien: there could always be more barbaric civilizations than you people are

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

Hahahahahahahaha, you think you can explain halos lore in an hour. You know there are like thirty canon books, right?

[@dinodude6992]

@kiritotheabridgedgod4178 then how long would it take?

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

@@dinodude6992 long version? Anywhere between three hours and forty hours, depending on how in depth you go.

[@AiLoveAidoru]

Ok these mimicosia sound surprisingly adorable and I can see why this alien species keeps them as pets. Granted they probably have a very hostile reaction to humans which is probably why they’re considered parasites.

[@GearTech147]

I'm sure that, given they replicate base instincts as well, they can also be very dangerous to anything else in the right circumstances

[@Stormthepolterwolf]

that or the X parasites are just feral mimicosia that were dropped in the wild.

[@gamegod6859]

4:27 chibidoki jump scare

[@acgaming1643]

pm i know this is long but id love to see it in a video a: human, what is "autism"? h: ooh, thats a cool topic! you see, autism's history is shaky, but most historians attribute its discovery to the 19 *words fade into background noise as alien realizes they are unable to escape the 'tism™️'s monologue* h: and whats interesting this that we havent even agreed on what autism really is! most agree that autism is a spectrum instead of one single condition, but others- a: wait wait wait, you dont even know what this "autism" is? h: yeah! theres a lot of disorders and conditions on the spectrum. there's asperger's, *words start to fade into background noise again* a: *interrupting again* how are you able to "retain" all of this "information"? h: thats another thing! some of us autistic people are really smart! we sometimes call the fascinations into these incredibly specific topics "hyperfixations" or "special interests," and they can cover a lot of things! some people know a lot about trains, others love learning about mathematics, some prefer astrophysics and space, and others are fond of computers! a: i have... so many questions.. h: What are they? a: You just said *all of that*, and somehow still know more? h: Yeah! a: ... do you have a """"hyperfixation""""? h: absolutely! i find space an incredible thing, there's so much crazy stuff out there and god knows what else! black holes, neutron stars, strange matter, and countless planets! our sun is a spark compared to UY Scuti, jupiter and saturn dont even have a solid surface, venus's atmosphere traps enough heat to melt lead, and on one planet we found, it rains molten glass *sideways* at *thousands of miles per hour*! a: ... your species has no chance of making it past the moon at its current state but you somehow can see black holes, know how fast glass rains on a planet light years away, and can figured out that planets hundreds of millions of miles away cannot be landed on? h: yep! a: ... how...? h: *starts talking about the history of astrophysics and space* a: oh no...

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

H 2: *Picking up on what A said* Wait, that implies that your species didn't figure out any of our sensor technology, until after you got into space...

[@grimmking7613]

​@kiritotheabridgedgod4178 A: Yes, we made space faring our priority over knowing about space and now that I'm saying it out loud we are absolute idiots

[@darienb1127]

(Three Hours Later) "Would you hurry it up, i'm running out of time cards."

[@Skirt553]

​@@grimmking7613 H 3: *walking in near the very end of the explanations* ... Sounds like you got info-dumped. A: Info...Dumped? H 3: Yeah. It can happen when you get (Human 1) going on one of their hyperfixations. It's pretty common with folks on the spectrum. A: ... I see. H 3: At least you didn't get Esther going about Dungeons and Dragons, or Critical Role... You'd be there for at least six hours.... *shudders* A: ...I'm going to assume you have personal ex- H 3: YES.

[@elipsis7651]

4:25 I don't understand why a sentient species intelligent enough to travel to other planets, wouldn't be able to wrap their heads around the idea of being emotionally attached to an animal. Are you telling me this race of aliens not once, in their entire history, ever express any sentiment towards animals on their planet?

[@kiritotheabridgedgod4178]

They might not have domesticated hunting animals before figuring out agriculture. We suspect that the reason behind our hyperactive pack bonding instinct, is due to our essentially symbiotic evolution with dogs.

[@TheAchilles26]

It's not the idea of being emotionally attached to an animal. It's being so thoroughly pack bonded to an animal that you're willing to KILL OTHER MEMBERS OF YOUR OWN SPECIES. Which is just a tad more extreme. Besides, maybe they're not as prone to tribalism and tribalistic violence as humans are.

[@captainhuntank7963]

Alien: *breathing heavily after eating* HUMAN WHAT IS THIS BARBARIC THING AND WHY IS IT TRYING TO KILL ME Human: *looks at what he is holding* ah, you discovered chili peppers, yeah it evolved that to ward off predators, but for us some actually like the taste it gives off, gives a kick to it Alien: i feel like my mouth is on fire, how do you enjoy this Human: beats me, but apparently some made even hotter peppers than this, heck some even genetically spliced peppers together to make them even hotter Alien: .....how hot are they Human: the dude who made it needed to wear glove alien: you people are absolute lunatics

[@michaelsleeman2443]

Oooh the movie one gave me a good idea: A: Human Mike, what are you watching? Why does everything look blurry? Is this one of those "Indie games" you like? H: What? No, this is Tron! A: What's that? H: A human gets dragged into a digital world because he was trying to prove he made something that the bad guy taken, so the bad guy's computer hits him with a digital beam. A: A digital... beam? So somehow a laser basically took him into a whole digital world...? H: Yup. A: So who are all those people? Surely not other victims of this bad computer? H: Victims yes, people no. They're programs. They take aspects of the people who made them in the real world. It's meant to carry themes of theology, programs believing in higher powers, programmers, but can't really prove anything. A: Oh. You know that sounds really similar to this one planet. H: Oh yeah? A: Yeah, basically a giant server that no one knows who made, it's a giant amusement park. H: That's cool... *Realization* H: Wait giant server? A: Yes, you experience a digital reality, not with lasers of course but- H: Take me there. A: Whu-? But don't you know how expensive it is to go? H: I WANT TO GO INTO THE GRID!!!

[@jeronimoheuchert3786]

Its matrix time

[@BrodyTEM]

Alien: Human why didn't you tell me you had contact with other extraterrestrial species? I recognize several different species in this game you humans made! Human(Warily): Witch one? Alien: I believe it was "Helldivers II". Human(In pure disbelief): im sorry WHAT Edit: Fixed up grammar

[@soup4219]

a lot of things can happen while someone is still "fine"

[@TARINunit9]

You doing OK Seymour? That post you made on May 4th scared me but then I saw you start posting again after that

[@wrigthtalekenavi2066]

Alien: Hey Human? Human(me): What do you want to ask now, partner? Alien: While i was travelling the net, i found this *shows the X Parasite* Human: oh, Metroid Fusion. an interesting game with scary elements. Alien: Scary Elements? Human: Lets just say the Parasite X; Main conflict of the game, can absorb dna of any creature it encounters and transforms into them, gaining their attributes like strength or intelligence. Alien: Oh... Mimicosia arent that dangerous, they can be said to be great pets. Human: and you are scared from us when we tame a cat Alien: Those are little alfa predators. Human: and those are just a single step away from an intergalactic incident.

[@The3rdSinner]

A: Human Kyle, what are you watching? H: Oh, it's Godzilla, a movie where a giant radioactive semi-reptilian (or in one case fully reptilian) monster attacks ether other monsters or the military, often both. A: Interesting... (Looks at the screen) wait a minute... H: Considering your reaction, I assume Godzilla actually exists on a planet somewhere? A: What? No! It's biologically impossible for something that big to exist! H: Oh, thank God... A: I was just looking at the giant machine it's fighting, the blue laser from its chest acts exactly like our super weapons we have back on my planet, I guess it would be the equivalent of Earth's nukes. H: So, you guys have something that can freeze... at the atomic level. A: We call it, at least in human terms, the Buildingblock level, but yeah. H: ...let's just hope we don't go to war with you guys any time soon...

[@MissMarigold32]

"Hello danger" is my new favorite saying

[@RevokFarthis]

How does an alien with 0 concept of hail survive (presumably without adequate temperature clothing) in temperatures cold enough to produce hail?

[@GearTech147]

It's possible they're from a low moisture planet, so the problem with them not knowing about hail isn't too much heat, but not enough water to produce hail

[@ChaosLightspeed]

Erm... Hail can easily happen in the middle of Summer. It's not exclusive to winter or anything.

[@RevokFarthis]

@@ChaosLightspeed Time of year is irrelevant, which is why I never brought it up. Atmospheric conditions are what's important, and you don't get hail on a bright sunny 80°F day.

[@silentarrow5064]

A: Human what is that thing crawling on the ceiling? H: Let me see, it’s just a jumping spider A: Your house is infested by spiders? Should I kill it? H: No, just leave it H: It’s practically harmless A: But Human James saw a one of these jumping spiders once and immediately started freaking out H: That’s arachnophobia for you A: Arachnophobia? What is that? H: It’s the fear of spiders, it’s very common in people A: I assume you don’t have it as you seem fine letting this spider crawling around your house H: correct, unless if it’s a huntsman spider A: * Researches it and finds how big they can get and where they can be found at * A: Human please remind me to never visit Australia

[@outerspaceproduction]

Sili lil humans

[@Zebulization]

"At least I'm not slapping characters with mammarie glands the size of planets on my pillows." Looking at Cyana, it only seems to be a matter of time.

[@Fayanora]

Alternate ending for that last one = Human: Well you see, the dog was a special gift from his wife, who died. Alien: Ah, so the dog has sentimental value tied to grief. Thus the man went mad with grief and rage? Human: Err, I guess...

[@sp4cef0rc37]

A: Human Julien, what video game are you playing? J: Well it's pretty far into fiction so not much human nature stuff here but it's called Purgatory 2. Basically you are trying to escape a huge underground building while trying to avoid the demons lurking inside. There's some deep lore and all... Want to watch a little? A: Fine. I've got time to spare at the moment. (A few minutes later) J:*runs straight into a demon chasing him and dies in game* A: why did you do that? I thought you were supposed to avoid demons? J: Yeah, but I didn't see the game over CG for this demon. Now I'll escape him. A: I have given up on understanding humans since long. I'll let the council decrypt this...

[@jeronimoheuchert3786]

How tf did we get aliens before purgatory X man

[@sp4cef0rc37]

@@jeronimoheuchert3786 Oh my I didn't even know the next game was Purgatory X. Plot looks interesting.

[@jeronimoheuchert3786]

@@sp4cef0rc37 yea, too bad that it looks like silksong will come out before it

[@sp4cef0rc37]

@@jeronimoheuchert3786 Do you mean like a 4 year wait or a 2 year wait? Because Silksong is pretty close to being finished I think. We don't know much but it sounds like we can hope for it in ~2 years or so. But seems like Purgatory X is still in early development so yeah I guess we have to wait. In the meantime we have plenty of game to play though. Like Omori, The Coffin of Andy and Leyley, Cat in the Box, the Physical Exorcism series, any other game Manlybadasshero played... It'll arrive in time.

[@wolfcat1973]

There needs to be a part 2 of the last one where another human walks in on the original human trying to maim the alien, asks what happens, then, asks if he other human remembered to include the whole ' last gift from his dead wife ' and ' killed the dog just because John wouldn't sell his car ' thing. And that makes the other human pause and shyly respond that he might have forgotten to mention that.

[@fictionfan0]

Alien: I nearly died because you forgot an important detail like *that?*

[@wolfcat1973]

Human, mildly annoyed: look, it's a common theme. Man has important living thing. Some fall out with villainous group. Group takes away important thing to man. Man get revenge by going on a murder spree.

[@fictionfan0]

Alien: ...Okay, on the one hand, I'm starting to see the point. But on the other hand, this still feels like an overreaction.

[@wolfcat1973]

Human, grumbling: try telling that to Brian Miller, John Wick, The Bride, Edmond Dantès, or Sweeney Todd, among plenty of others.

[@mikakestudios5891]

While i believe that an alien would be puzzled by the bad cilantro gene, i don't think he would be surprised evolution took that parh.

[@jonasholm-mw5bn]

1:50 there’s a similar situation in Dungeon odyssey. The main character have just become the leader of an actual army, but when his experience in warfare was questioned he referred to Warhammer

[@ShadwSonic]

A: Human, what is that yellow thing you've got? Dave: Oh, this? It's a Twinkie! Technically like that cake we showed you earlier, but trading taste for longevity and mass production. A: Can I try it? Dave: Sure! A: *nom* A: Mmm, tasty! Steve: Eugh, you'd never catch _me_ eating one of those, they're made with rocket fuel. A: PTUH! A: ROCKET FUEL?! Dave: Nah, Steve is exaggerating, they don't use rocket fuel for these! A: Define "exaggerating"... Dave: Er... "To magnify an aspect of something beyond its proper scope"? A: You know that's not what I meant. Dave: Fine, it's not made with rocket fuel, just the components for it. A: Okay, in that case I ask again, WHY ARE YOU WILLINGLY INGESTING ROCKET FUEL?!?! Or, PARTS OF ROCKET FUEL?!

[@Nahyoudontgetthat]

Alien: Human..... why is there a hole in the bathroom stall at that gas station? Human: You didn't touch anything that came through the hole, did you? Alien: ........ Oh no!!

[@beepboop9712]

Warhammer is awesome

[@TheCollector4970]

WAAAAAAAAAGH

[@devanbrowne8706]

Things aliens apparently have no concept of: Genetics Hygiene Weather Imagination Recreation Advertising Substance Abuse

[@Lectrikfro]

I feel like the aliens have a handle on genetics and our lack of mastery over it and letting horrific anomalies such as people-who-ruin-food-with-cilantro continue to happen is what is confusing the alien

[@Stormthepolterwolf]

{me with MH-X. [i will not go into explaining what she is.]: uhh oh..}

[@WarmLusamine]

You referring to Heroine X? The Saber class specific serial killer from a gag universe?

[@Stormthepolterwolf]

@@WarmLusamine no, one of my ocs. {Basically an SA-X i put my soul in. and somehow got my mental problems from it.}

[@WarmLusamine]

@@Stormthepolterwolf Oh.

[@Stormthepolterwolf]

@@WarmLusamine Idk how you got Heroine X when MH is the first letters of my first and last name {won't be SAYING my name here ofc.}

[@iluvspongebob1234]

The Warhammer40k post made me want one of these where a human explains FNaF lore to an alien.

[@gas132]

A: Human, how come your fictitious literature considers you superior to extra-terrestrial life, but simultaneously fantasizes about being hopelessly outnumbered in combat? H: Everyone loves a good underdog story. A: Under- what? H: You know, an underdog, someone who has to make up for his lack of power with other skills A: I fail to see how a tale of despair would make for compelling entertainment H: Come on, have you never tried snatching victory from the jaws of defeat? A: I have never tried snatching anything from the maw of a vicious beast, are you telling me this is common practice for your species???? H: it'snota- *sigh* man, this is going to be an uphill battle... A: what does that mean, human?!

[@daviddragonheart6798]

We'd have to explain how idioms and verbal expressions work. And memetic concepts (memes, basically)

[@Shikaschima]

A: Human, how does ... Wikipedia function? H: Oh, it ... wait, you know what Wikipedia is, but not how it functions? A: I was searching for Traditional Food for your country and stumbled upon this website. I have no accumulated a very destinct knowledge about olives, trees, soil, rocks, and the capital of Italy that apparently also functions as an entire, seperate country. Yet, I am not certain as to how it works. H: I see. Well, it's a collection of knowledge. Some people pick up a topic and create a page about it in their preferred language. It's an amazing tool, really, if you think about it. A: But how can it even function without anyone paying for this knowledge? H: Oh, it is mostly funded by donations to the website itself so they can keep the server running and let people keep using it for free. A: Remarkable. I guess sometimes you humans do have your strong suits.

[@adm2275]

As someone who had his car nearly destroyed by hail recently, hail is a natural disaster if it’s big enough.

[@aaronalkor]

* Alien comes in with a tablet, a look of concern washed over it’s features * A: Human, why did you fail to inform me about the Overlords? H: The what? * Alien shows him a slideshow of the various primordial deities * H: Oh, those are gods. Some ancient civilizations believed that nature and science was actually the works of their deities and we worshipped them. But ultimately, we realized that it was just primitive concepts before we understood the truth. A: But your “gods,” or as these texts indicate are classified as primordial, are a race of immortals known as the Progenitors. They are believed to be the creators of our universe and are the governing civilization over said universe. H: ……What? * Speaking in a squeaky voice of fear *

[@Smartfmella69]

Dang im late

[@the-prince-of-silly]

A: Human, you have been spinning in circles for approximately 3 minutes now. Are you okay? Is something wrong? H: Oh, I’m fine! Just a little bit dizzy. A: Wha- If it’s making you dizzy then *why* are you still doing it?! H: Spinny fun! :) A: …Why must you act like this?

[@daviddragonheart6798]

Dopamine and serotonin are weird.