8 Signs To Identify Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style: Essential Guide | HealingFa.com

[@morehn]

What I learned about marriage is that you go through two phases of love, and they go in and out, alternating with each other. At times, you feel like husband and wife. At other times, you feel like best friends. Two different dynamics. You should also feel a sense of calm and simple enjoyment when you exist with that person.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Yes it definitely can feel like 'just' friendship sometimes in the happiest and healthiest relationships! It's so important to know that, because Fearful avoidants tend to want passion ALL the time. Such an important point! For a fearful avoidant it can be hard to feel a sense of calm with a person though. That has nothing to do with the relationship or the person, but with the fact that connecting with another human being feels so scary that you tense up. So it could be that that sense of calm and simple enjoyment is there, but you just can't really feel it until you start healing more! Thank you so much for your comment, these are good points!

[@zeah]

1. Hot & Cold, or Luke Warm & Cold 2. Afraid You Aren't Feeling Enough 3. Afraid Of What Intuition Says 4. A Crash/Withdrawl After A Good Day 5. Sensitive To Criticism 6. Dont Want To Be Alone 7. Committment Induces Loss Of Feelings 8. Difficulty With Intimacy

[@umutkara739]

6 is not correct. Want someone but thinking like "infact I don't want them I'm with them because I don't want to be alone". Thinking like this is 6.

[@rosebud5555]

I believe another sign is running away without explaining why. Just ending things with no explanation. That’s my pattern. I want it to stop!!!! I run away and then want them back. It’s made me give up on dating!! Terrible 😢

[@JamesAlexanderMcC]

How long did it take for you to want them back?

[@zoja2762]

@@JamesAlexanderMcC I am also FA. I personally regretted it immediately but still wouldn't change my course of action / reach out

[@JamesAlexanderMcC]

@@zoja2762 yeh my girl hates me n won't talk ☹️

[@UniqueliAnimationsSN]

@@JamesAlexanderMcC im a FA too and usually if want them back in 4 or 3 months but would run away again in 2 or 3 weeks :(

[@glimlachinuitvoeringtv6297]

Pfffff so relatable

[@rvined_lol8603]

I just want to say thank you for these videos. I too have fearful avoidant attachment. And constantly feel destroyed because of certain relationship coaches saying that relationships with avoidants don't work and they should find a secure partner. Especially the constant battle of "avoidant and anxious attachments don't work." You give me hope. I'm trying everyday to do my best to heal. And I'm actively going to therapy.

[@ritwit80]

I'm definitely fearful avoidant. I ticked off all 8 signs. Now i need to focus on crossing them all out, by starting my healing journey. I just purchased your programme yesterday and i'm looking forward to receiving the invite to the app in my email, but more importantly i look forward to becoming a much more secure person, by turning my insecurities into one of my greatest strengths.

[@philipburke1149]

I'm here from the male side. I've offered my soul to get this and trying to make sense of the rapid changes. I will always be there for her , I just pray she has the strength to see this herself. We both felt like we was going to soul mates, I just hope time heals the insecurities as I will always be there, be fully committed and honour her like my queen. It makes my heart ache and feel sick Love her for who she is deep down, not whom she has become 😔

[@MF-se1zl]

This talk has been a game/life changer for me. It. Explains so much how I see "My reality" . Thank you!

[@neko_neko9]

Oh my god it's such a relief to know this! I've suffered so much from the fact that, even though being with my husband truly feels natural, safe and in some of the best moments I know for sure he's my person, the rest of the time I tended to swing to the extreme of "I don't feel anything for him" or seeing all his faults at the same time. I would also feel lukewarm a lot and because I'm a passionate person it would serve as a reason for me to doubt the entire relationship. But sometimes I would imagine him being a bad guy and feeling more in that situation. He saved me during the worst nervous breakdown and the lowest point in my life, and all my patterns were activated with him, as it was the first time someone was accepting me as I am, at my WORST. This, as I understand now, heavily triggers me. I still have this problem but I'm starting to have more feelings for him. Some friends would say to me, well if you can't say for sure you love him, maybe you don't ? But when I tried to imagine leaving him, it felt wrong, so I knew it's not that simple. He's also a FA with avoidant tendencies, and I lean on the anxious side, so sometimes that would cause me to feel he is emotionally unaccessible and trigger me further. I would also feel incredibly lonely without him, but when he came home I would go to another room or when we lived in a small apartment even make him go elsewhere in my worst moments... I did not understand why I do this, why I feel so lonely but then so repelled. It's a relief to find out after all these years Luckily my intuition was the only thing that made me stick around and work through these things to finally get to this point where I feel we really have a future! I did fear meeting "my destiny" down the line (or rather, someone else turning out to be that) and having to break up. And having no filter, I even voiced this to my husband, to which he said, "well, if it turns out I'm not your destiny, it is what it is, right? Then it will just happen. Don't worry in advance" and for some reason it really helped me trust myself in the moment and fear the future less.

[@neko_neko9]

I have a question. My therapist confirmed that we are both FA, however with me this fear of commitment is very outward and easy to distinguish, whereas with my husband there is a different pattern. Would the following also be possible with FA? He is very warm and supportive and not afraid of showing love, but he very rarely initiates anything. From proposal to sex, you name it, he cannot be the one to make the suggestion, even if he does want the thing itself very much. It's also very hard for him to talk about the future (moving somewhere, having kids etc etc), even though it's not that he's noncommittal. I know if we're to have a child he'll do everything possible to love and support us both, but initiative of talking about these things never comes from him. The conversations about the future are always one-way. It's also hard for him to suggest we go out somewhere or do something, he leaves things up to me. When I confront him about it, he says he is always on the lookout for my moods or reactions not to provoke me in any way, but I know that's hardly the only reason. With sex, he will rarely show initiative, but when I make a move he shows a lot of passion which seems to have been hidden. I've asked him about it and it seems that it's quite painful for him if he does suggest it and I reject him. In his family, no one ever talked about anything at all, so I figure that's heavily involved... But it always puzzled me how he can be so close and supportive when things come to my issues, but when it comes to us "as a unit" it feels like he is on his own and it would drive me crazy. It's also completely subconscious, he doesn't realize he's behaving this way. During fights, he would often shut down and retreat, which is typically avoidant, but saying "I love you" many times a day and always being there for me when I really need him hardly feels avoidant, so I feel it's more complicated. So can one be FA and still have stable feelings for the other, instead fearing the future and taking initiative in the relationship and shutting down all thoughts about it? It does feel like he's in a relationship but not completely, but in a different way. I'm sorry I wrote so much lol

[@fredsifyable]

Things have never been this clear.. but at the same time I want to jump back into my head 😕

[@Nicole-yx8ms]

Can this attachment style cause someone to lose all attraction and desire for someone, to the point of feeling "repulsion", and a sense of "I don't want this"?

[@alyshaevans1133]

That’s a good question. I begin to feel those feelings as well.

[@alyshaevans1133]

The feelings of disgust

[@pritarot666]

Yes

[@surajdwivedi747]

I am just 18 and have been struggling with loneliness and depression... I have gone out of my way to please people. But nothing worked. And I now know what is the root cause of it. And I really don't know how I will manage this :(

[@yaelbrisker]

Thanks for this! It explains a lot

[@selenasflowershop728]

Thank you for this 🙏💖

[@AmitRoy-mx2vu]

Like and subscribed!

[@instantpracticalembodiment9904]

Thank you for this channel! I actually thought I was healthy overall, but under the surface something felt off and now I understand and why it is so hard to recognize, because of "correctness" and adaptability in order to not make mistakes, not out of real love. I noticed that a lot of these are about healing to be in the healthy container, but what about the toxic attachments that FA styles end up in? I am leaving an emotionally abusive relationship and trying to put everything in a healing context...do you have a video or can mae one about how to heal after recreating the original traumatic relationship?

[@pompom8030]

Thanks a ton!

[@jenaya_laila2442]

I don't think a healthy person would want to be with an FA..! I live in the UK and I don't think there are a lot of "healthy" people here..

[@jaredvaughan1665]

I would argue everyone is slightly fearful avoidant.

[@kierandixon2446]

Uuuuu

[@lythsian]

The hurt

[@valeweathers]

You are a god send. This is me to a T! Can't wait for August. I'm on the waiting list!

[@shannon2598]

After 30 years of doing things I wished I didn’t do, and hurting people, I’ve finally been lead to the right videos that help me understand myself. You explain it so clearly and without judgement. Thanks so much for the encouraging words too, that there may be a healing somewhere along this painful journey.

[@rocwilder85]

Dating someone who shows many of these FA signs. She primarily is a curious person, asking questions but then sometimes it makes her overthink/knit pick the smallest detail of the person to where it stalls her in what she wants to do with the person. She then starts to wonder if the other person is truly compatible. And that’s what happening at the moment. She has been very interested in me, where I felt at ease w her. But I feel like she has a tendency to ask hypothetical questions so that she can know what she can expect for the future. Recently she decided to stop dating me because she doesn’t know if we are compatible which is strange to me because the day before, she was telling me how much she wanted to be with me and spend the night with her. Your video makes a lot of sense. She had a hard upbringing and I feel like that has played a major role in how she deals with love/relationships.

[@avonleamontague2469]

That's really cool that you're here to learn about her. I love it!

[@tynicole1513]

This is exhausting to deal with daily and so confusing to myself and partner. I hope to heal. I have been able to manage toxic relationships but this healthy one is so annoying and difficult but intellectually I see it’s fruitful, but emotionally I just can’t submit 😞

[@Mars-us6ux]

I never would have thought that I would relate to something as much as I did watching this video, it truly shook me to the core and now I think I might have a fearful avoidant attachment style, because you just read me like a book haha

[@anonymousbee]

Wow, i thought i was crazy. This is so so helpful. Movies and cinema really fudged the love equation in my life.

[@hazelromero9026]

We all deserve to be in a healthy relationship! Being in an insecure relationship could be very exhausting for a person who desires a stable, secure relationship, so we have to really evaluate if a person with these attachments are worth it because it would be a very long season of healing for them and it could also lead you to be insecure.

[@umutkara739]

My ex was FA. I tried to help her and contiunue to relationship. Now I need help. :) It can be very very exhausting.

[@DrexelGregory]

Would you agree that a FA is lukewarm/cold when the partner is around, but gets passionate when they’re apart?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

That definitely can happen!

[@steveherbert5257]

Took until age of 47 for me to realise how much of me this is. Sadly it’s caused others I care for a lot of confusion and pain.

[@jaydendevrieze9056]

Thank you for all of your videos Paulien. They've been really relatable and helped me to just acknowledge my childhood trauma was actually a thing. I'm wondering if you could make a video on tips to get out of this avoidant mode. The crash state as I think you refer to it as. And re-engaging with your partner after you've ignored their existence for a few days. I realise communication will be a big thing but what are some baby steps?

[@sazonada]

Thank you! I have subscribed! Your videos have made me feel very "Seen" and your production values are so great!

[@anitayougotit885]

Wow wow wow! Afraid of „Intuition“ is exactly how I saw things. And I did break up because it was sooo there. I was asking myself two things: Do I have something in my subconscious that let’s me do those things? But also: Ok I‘m breaking up and there could be something to be healed in me to not break up, but does it have to be the overall goal of every individual, of me, to have a relationship as long as possible? And the answer to the second was a clear no to me. And I think but truths can exist at the same time. It really gives me fulfillment to be so free and break up, go through this process in a beautiful way, feeling all those feelings. I think that I like that in that way is part of my personality. But that whole process is so interesting and to learn about attachment styles and to feel that I am fearful avoidant. I had that with the intuitive „exit“-feeling FROM THE BEGINNING :D of that relationship. But the past few months it got stronger and made me act.

[@moulee7448]

You really spoke it so well... This is how I exactly act out in relationships... You are amazing dear!

[@sunbeam9222]

My FA would tell me I'm chasing other men, and he was so sure of it at the moment cos he has " very good intuition" 🤔 got me confused. I don't want to doubt his intuition but I clearly knew I wasn't chasing other men. I get it now FA intuition can often be the fear brain.

[@zsofiasej]

My brain is blown. You just described me to a T!!! Wow!!!!

[@moulee7448]

Scarily accurate..I am actually feeling so exposed..what!!!??? 👀

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

You are not alone!! :)

[@jakubfrankovsky6983]

Hey Paulien, My terapist give me link to your chanel, and i must say that your videos are big eye openers for me. Thank you for amazing work you create :)

[@AmitRoy-mx2vu]

No I can't trust what I tell myself sometimes.

[@datasafe00]

I would love to see a video or videos on how you overcame fearful avoidant attachment. Steps you took and how you healed

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

I'll do that!!

[@completelynoname2065]

Had someone like this in my life, word for word. Now I understand it better, but relieve still won't come.

[@umutkara739]

You are talking about my ex. :)

[@billcullen9045]

Thank you - thank you - thank you - this video has been so helpful and revealing - I now know why my partner and I have separated after 12 months - my partner has all the traits of the fearful avoidant - I wish I would have known how to have a loving relationship with her .

[@jaredvaughan1665]

Brilliant video. The best I've seen on this attachment style.

[@sahraze8324]

Wow, such clear delivery ❤

[@arcadestation167]

You got nice teeths 😬

[@sadiasultana474]

❤️

[@jaredvaughan1665]

I was surprised when Thais Gibson noted (in a video entitled "Which Attachment Styles Are the Most Compatible Together" made 25 of May, 2021) that Dismissive and anxious types both are more drawn to fearful avoidants than to each other. Because at least with the fearful avoidant they have a similar attachment style to bond over. While the fearful avoidant's other attachment style pulls them together.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Ah interesting! Don't want to seem to go against Thais (because I think she's awesome and she knows so much), but I think we are drawn more to the dynamic we recognize and want to heal than the similarities in attachment style, if that makes sense. So i'm not sure I agree

[@colleendurston4357]

I have a fearful avoidant partner who is very affectionate and wants to be committed but there is no physical intimacy - there was everything in the beginning, all great, but as we got closer he just avoids any sexual physical intimacy - no french kissing, no touching 'private parts, etc but everything else is over the top affectionate but he will not allow anything that could cause physical arousal - but affection-wise great. Outside of the house everyone thinks we are the best couple ever, all over each other, but back at home we are like friends. Is this part of it? Can it be solved? Can you explain what he might be feeling?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

Hmm yes, this does happen. It's actually a dismissive trait, that some (maybe even many) fearful avoidants have to some degree. There can be several reasons why, but one of them is that an FA is afraid of intimacy. Of letting people get too close. When the relationship is not healthy, and there is not a lot of emotional intimacy, sex is actually less frightening. That's because it's a moment of (intense) intimacy, but the FA knows that when it's over, there's distance again. Even though that hurts, it feels safe in a way too, because it never comes too close. When you have a lot of emotional intimacy, it's actually scary to ALSO have a lot of physical intimacy. It's true for a lot of people I think, but it hits FA's in the core: the fear of intimacy. You can definitely heal it, if you're willing, because it's just a next level of intimacy. Does that help?

[@kittylew5895]

I’ve never experienced this until recently with a new guy I met. From your list I identified with 2 & 5. Number 5 is when things changed for me, the unwarranted criticism. He had told me about his medical issues and some were serious. When I told him I had arthritis and heartburn a his response was “you have a lot of medical issues”. That simple statement triggered my detachment and my wall came back up. I felt that he was trying to shame me and I could never be venerable with him so I had to end things. Thanks for the information

[@alexistokarska9541]

For me It's not only thinking I don't love him enough, It's also that he's gonna hurt me. I'm creating scenarios when he turns out narcissistic, bad, he wants marriage so he can keep me "hostage" with him. I'm thinking that he wants to be intimate because he just wants to use me, and that physical intimacy is important for him because he's somehow "broken" in this area- has different attachment style, again he just wants to use me etc. Are these also OCD thoughts? Or am I really missing some red flags? I'm really scared that that's my intuition as people tell me that if I feel that, then maybe there's a real problem to it. And I don't want that problem because that would mean I really have to get out of the relationship

[@garyr1934]

I was pursued during a very traumatic period of losing my son( got him back) to a sociopathic wife This light in the darkness was a fearful avoidant going through trauma as well We were each other’s stability and strength I never felt so understood in my pain and desired She saw me as the good and strong man that I am as I battled and won I wanted nothing more than to go through this life with her Then her intense “love” and “desire” for me went exactly how you despised it here The last thing I needed was hope for a new beginning only to have it become clear what was really going on I feel both ashamed for trusting and devastated for losing again She is otherwise my ideal partner The woman I did t even know I’d been hoping for to share the joys and struggles with It was too good to be true As you described here with such accuracy I cannot blame her But I had to end it As she displayed it all I am now taking responsibility for deluding myself Thank you for your high quality content It is good to know you have healed and that you have a healthy marriage Keep it strong It’s the greatest reward

[@ilsem3339]

I’m used to be more on the preoccupied side of attachment, because i always wanted a relationship and was scared to get abandoned. But can it be that this has changed to the fearful avoidant attachment style? I’m a bit confused, because i always attracted unavailable narcissistic men and right now I’ve attracted a securely attached man who wants a relationship and everything in me is wanting the same, but the only thing i feel is anxiety and resistance. Its like i just cannot do it and it drives me insane

[@justcallmemadi]

Lukewarm and cold... jeez, it's like you're reading my mind!

[@thelightthatuneed9839]

First of all thank you sooooo much for this video! But can we have this type of attachment style with particular person especially if he is so cligny and needy and act « normal » and healthy with another person who is loving but he is so independent and respect my own space

[@jaybone172gaming6]

I feel like you are fully describing my current situation as I am dating a fearful avoidant right now. It’s hard and as an anxious-preoccupied it makes it hard for me to relax when she switches from hot to cold. Every single point you’ve just listed above applies, she’s just spent the last couple of weeks in “cold” and this last few days she is switching back to hot again. Makes me unsure what to do for the best, I want to be with her and truly care, despite her even telling me that she still doesn’t believe I truly care.

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

It is so confusing, isn't it? And definitely even more so as an Anxious Preoccupied. The connection you so crave is really scary for you FA partner, so it will take some work on both your parts to work towards a stable, loving relationship

[@jaybone172gaming6]

@@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870 a couple of days ago she said she thinks we should leave things after going back cold again for a day or 2 prior. I just said “if thats what you really want” and left it at that, deciding to go immediately into no contact. Well 2 days later she send me a “are you okay?” Message, sooner than I expected, I just replied back “yeah doing pretty good, you?” To which she replied “good yeah”. I haven’t replied and intend to go straight back into no contact (or no initiating shall we call it). She knows I care about me and her so I can’t do anything g more. Im not going to beg or chase her. Any tips on whether going into no contact until she reaches out again (or not) is the right thing to do if I want her back?

[@jaybone172gaming6]

Also, she is used to previous exes begging her to come back and to see them etc because she has told me about them. Obviously she never got back with them. Do you think she messaged me tonight expecting me to be desperate to get straight back into a back and forth chat with her and to start begging for her back? Is the way I handled it the right thing to do to increase my chances of her wanting me back?

[@jenaya_laila2442]

I'm FA but I have never been lucky enough to meet someone who is all in...I don't think I will anymore..

[@CynthiaWithLove]

Also FAs might also cheat on great people because of fears and feeling suffocated.

[@brendacorghi4922]

Thank you soooo much!!! You are amazing

[@jimmybond6825]

You are an amazing beautiful woman 😍

[@liambaines1985]

thank you so much for this, you have helped me so much!

[@leenaalghattas1115]

Can you talk about FA & Jealousy?

[@anonymousbee]

Omg, i related to this so much gosh. ❤

[@sal2975]

Are fearful avoidants the ones that go, "Well I didn't like you anyway.", when they're rejected?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

They can definitely use that to protect themselves! I'm sorry if you've experienced that. I can't talk for everyone ofcourse, but usually this is far from the truth. It could be that the fearful avoidant in that moment really believes that, but that is definitely a common defense mechanism. However, it usually doesn't help to convince them otherwise.

[@AntonBogdanov1977]

Totally me in all 8 points!

[@lunetelalune2783]

I am shook by #2!!! You just read me like a book!

[@maxitaxi369]

I don’t know if im one. I agree with everything you’ve said but I’m still not sure.

[@maxitaxi369]

I was shocked about how much I agree with everything and all other videos and articles I’ve read but how do you know for sure?

[@paulientimmer-healingthefe9870]

We are never 100% one thing or another. If you recognize a lot, that's enough information to be able to heal it!

[@HalcyonBeing]

Had I understood all this in my 20s, I could have maybe had a different life. At 45, it's nice to be able to understand myself a little better but that's a lot of years of lost relationships and experiences.