Pick me! Choose me! Roast me! The plight of the "pick me" unpacked | Khadija Mbowe

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Subtitles and description box are available in English and Spanish 💕✨

[@TheElectricitychick]

someone tell me when subs for the French guy are ready

[@LTADrocks]

@@TheElectricitychick at 26:51 he says "for example, in all that they do, they'll just seek the affirmation or confirmation of what they want you to say to them" and the rest of what he says is also said in English

[@bmoore2018]

Hey girl As a newbie I just want to understand do you speak Spanish in you videos

[@yahia9481]

I m not an expert and i can t pretend to understand everything about this but why don t u make subdivisions of feminism concerning different cultures . For example under the umbrella ☔ of feminism u have black feminism that criticize mis0jony coming from black men and latino criticizing from latino... Like this general feminism can be soft and subdivisions can be harsh

[@JustayoungBBCliving]

Men need to go their own way because it’s either whores or pick me girls, and when your ready for marriage find one in African passport bro 👋

[@warandpoetry9542]

I think it’s okay to be “not like other girls”, but it’s not okay to think that somehow makes you better than other girls

[@oliviatheresa]

👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

[@awkwardbean1504]

Well said! 👏 👏 👏

[@ekattri]

Totally agree. Being a tomboy and thinking you’re not like other girls is nothing at all to do with “pick me”. Do you guys not remember the 2000s? It was a rough time to be in high school and not feminine-presenting, as a woman. I felt very alienated as a teen because I did present as more masculine. “Not like other girls” was an accurate observation. I wasn’t bullied too much, but someone else (who later came out as trans) was bullied RELENTLESSLY for… well… not being like “other girls” in their presentation.

[@TheLily97232]

Thank you. We ALL have been or still are in some extent so mocking people for being insecure is tiring. At least I am tired. Everytime you put on make up or try to fit standards of beauty made to cater to men you're lowkey being like "look I am a good woman ! Pick me". Let's just stop

[@luizaassis3567]

Totally agree with you

[@julphines]

We really need a "let girls be girls" movement where society isn't dumping on every little thing girls do or like and they can explore their own identities, be they more feminine, masculine, in-between, or none of the above.

[@tropicaoptica]

Yeah it’s just many woman are encouraged into being more masculine this day and age, and the feminine woman are shamed when they are stay at home wives who’s best qualities are not her strength, career drive and ambition (masculine) but her vulnerability, creativity and nurturing abilities at home, and who prefers being at home. We are called lazy, useless, with no purpose in the world.

[@UsagiMay]

There have been a ton of movements like that I think like a lot- a lot of people have talked about it over the years. I think a lot of girls are learning to express themselves More nowadays at least it seems to be so

[@overthemoo]

I believe that is what is currently happening, which is why folks like Candace Owens are saying “stop the feminization of men!”

[@tinyflyingdragons9432]

Ageed

[@dannymarie]

​@@TheDesignGuruu THIS

[@neon.anissa]

The allure of being a pick me girl is so strong, especially when you are young and trying to establish your identity, and all you want is the respect of boys/men around you. You feel forced to abandon your femininity, even hate those parts of yourself for being barriers to acceptance. It's not even necessarily always about being desired sexually or romantically, just being seen as a valid person.

[@anabelpichardo6509]

This

[@JA-rh6wq]

Absolutely 💯

[@Yasmin-cf4qm]

Yes, pretty much. Misogyny is so widespread and firmly entrenched in society, doing anything that's "girly" is treated as a moral failing by a lot of people regardless of whether you're a girl or a boy and they only respect you if you're "manly". I wish people (no matter what their gender) would be allowed to do whatever makes them happy.

[@Yasmin-cf4qm]

@Hurt Man First of all, feminism isn't about diminishing men. So there is no reason men would ever try to seek for validation from women because of feminism. Because of other reasons? Yes. But not feminism. Second of all, this video is not about boys or men. It's about girls and women, about internalized misogyny, about one of the problems girls and women experience because of trying to improve their self-esteem. Why would you change the subject by bringing up men seeking validation from women? That is a different topic that should have its own video.

[@neon.anissa]

@Hurt Man This video is about the way women diminish abandon their femininity and female support system, change their personality, to be seen as human beings amongst boys and men. Tell me, in what harmful ways do you and other men abandon parts of yourself to be accepted by women?

[@phastinemoon]

The “pick-me” phenomenon is the equivalent of “you don’t need to outrun the monster, you just need to outrun the other women who are running from the monster WITH you.”

[@lailawebster5778]

fantastic analogy im gonna use this one

[@SaiMan5793]

the monster? are you saying men are monsters. the irony of your running analogy. men are born that the start of the race and must run the entire race and win to be considered real men and be successful in life. MOST woman are born in the middle of the race, and regardless if they finish the race, they have s3x with the winners. woman have it easier in life.

[@ACAB.forcutie]

Great analogy

[@TasnimAhana-zz9pi]

Except this monster is insatiable and it comes for you eventually. Pointless story here: My high school was in a slightly conservative area. Every class was basically 90% boys and 10% girls. My class only had 5 girls including me. At the time, my mother was sick and close to death. I was also being abused. I was struggling with depression to the point I rarely talked to anyone at school. I gave my all to my studies because that was the only escape I had. Through the year, multiple male teachers talked to me in private. Every time I was worried that they would call me out for my awkwardness. But no. One of them told me that I was better than the other girls because I didn't dress for attention,I didn't argue with the boys, I wasn't loud and annoying. I almost cringed when I heard that.My other female classmates acted like normal people. I think I came across as their weird fantasy quiet girl because I was always panicking inside. Then he said and I quote, "You shouldn't talk to the boys at all because they are just waiting to take advantage of you." I didn't know what to say to his nonsensical advice so I just nodded and left. A couple months later, one of the other teachers told me I was his favourite student because I was not a mindless feminist zombie. I had a favourite teacher. He was never condescending towards me or any of the other girls. I made a cake on his birthday. It wasn't even my idea. Everyone celebrated together in the classroom because he was well liked. A few days later, there was a rumour that he had relationships with his underage students.My classmates blamed me for it. I was called 'pick me girl', 'whore','attention-hungry' etc. Some guy even loudly complained to his friends about how I was just pretending to be one of the good ones. Then my mother died. High school ended. I eventually got better. Your comment made me think of back then. Looking back,I think I was liked for a while because I was always too tired to argue about what women should or shouldn't do. The ones who said anything were deemed annoying and whiny. They were often told to shut up in class even when they weren't really talking. Through the power of sheer dumb luck and my own exhausted silence, I managed to outrun the others for a while. From what I can tell, the grass is rotten on both sides.

[@Nikki_Catnip]

Oh the irony of going to college and getting a masters to turn around and tell other women that real fulfillment comes from being a stay at home mom! 😂

[@rebeccahicks2392]

Why shouldn't a stay at home mom be an educated person? If someone's able to get an education for the love of learning, amd not for a job, good for her.

[@hanatemonstas4485]

@@rebeccahicks2392 You missed the “telling other women that real fulfillment” part of the comment.

[@MeenieAlf24]

Methinks some go on the opposite side of the spectrum because motherhood was what they wanted along. I had a classmate that was in her late 30s and her ex husband never got her pregnant. She never thought she would get pregnant and she said that she didn't want kids. She met a man with 2 kids and she got pregnant. She miscarried. I hope she gets her baby wish though.

[@capucnechaussonpassion14]

A lot of women are still sent to study to university in order to... Find a good husband and not for the education itself. In the usa included...

[@capucnechaussonpassion14]

@yupyup3878 why are you attacking them they didn't say anything wrong... It was a good note to add although i agree it doesn't invalidante the first comment here we're all replying to. It just adds nuance.

[@SilentTrip]

Pick me is about a person who puts down their own people to please the people at the opposite of the spectrum. I don't like seeing girls and women being shamed for being either too feminine or too masculine. If she doesn't put others down to shine, she isn't a pick me. No matter what her interests are or how much it bothers people

[@emmagyan]

Exactly

[@larbot3433]

Yep - it's only a valid criticism when used in that particular context (ie. women who put other women down) but not when it's used against women for simply doing things that guys like or dressing in certain a way or liking video games etc. I refuse to use the term now because of how it is now being used as a weapon against women.

[@PinocchioDread]

I do not think “pick me” girls are merely trying to be deferential to men. I think that these women have as much agency as everyone else and are just bad people. We’ve gotta move past seeing women as the “hypoagents” and acknowledge they go out of their way to do bad things

[@shanereynolds8651]

Yep. Hate when some (femme) women will accuse butch women or tomboys of being pick mes for being...gender nonconforming? It STINKS of homophobia. You don't have to be feminine to be a feminist.

[@exoticalBecky_Miami]

Candace Owens is the quintessential pick me and PINK

[@IndigoGrey]

I went through a "I'm not like other girls" phase when I was a teenager. Turns out I'm a transman, so I was correct in a way lmao.

[@TrangPakbaby]

😂😂😂❤❤

[@severelidamaged]

Lol me too!

[@dreamerdoes_is_love8986]

i definitely hated the not like other girls rhetoric but extremely hated being called a girl like even in my teens when technically i was a girl...or thought i was..., i thought it was because it was infantalizing cause we calls guys guys or dudes not boys in highschool but girls of the same age , girls....amd that's part of it, but turns out i'm nonbinary genderfluid and that was a big reason of why i didn't like being seen as a girl...

[@decoraqueena6413]

I went through that phase too but it wasn't because i wanted male attention. Everything female or anything girls enjoyed was generally mocked and denigrated and i wanted to distance myself from that.

[@yourlocalnerd7788]

Same but I'm nonbinary transmasc

[@EBWithLove]

I know a woman who “doesn’t care about feminism” and “doesn’t agree with abortion” but she votes, divorced her abusive husband, got an abortion so she wouldn’t have to have her abusive husbands child and then joined the military. Gotta love the I’m not a feminist but I enjoy all the hard work of feminism ladies. 😅

[@love4pnd]

yeah i’m starting to think it’s just the label. Because i know many people like that 😭

[@blah914]

yeah, i know a few of those....

[@Zairajaze]

I think you can be a good military/stateswoman/president or whatever you want without having to be a feminist, or without having any fucking ideology in your head. I get that the woman that was annoying, but your point isn't good either.

[@D0llicide]

✨rules for thee but not for me ✨

[@LB-uo7xy]

Don't worry. She's going to get hers if she's serving in the Military. When you're in the Military as a woman it's not a question of IF, it's a question of WHEN when it comes to being r worded.

[@simrasheik4909]

"Anything women do becomes a subjective talk" Love this line

[@theanxiousace3783]

While I was never a pick-me, I would definitely say that I entered my "not like other girls" phase in a desperate attempt to make boys leave me alone. I developed early & liked feminine things and found myself horribly harassed by boys. When I tried to appeal to the adults in my life to make it stop I was met with the good old "they're only doing that because they like you" and so in my brain I thought that if I was no longer desirable to them, if I eschewed my femininity and appeared more masculine I would be left alone. It didn't and instead caused their bullying to take on a distinct tinge of homophobia, but I continued to think that if I shunned feminine things & mocked them I could distance myself from being treated like a girl, aka like a piece of meat. And it made me hate girls who were pretty and feminine bc I felt like they were stupid for wanting to embrace what had gotten me harassed for years. I thought "why would anyone want to be feminine when it attracts the male gaze?" Or maybe I hated them because they still hung onto the feminine things they liked which I had felt compelled to shun just to be left alone. Either way, ultimately my NLOG phase could best be summarized as a desperate attempt to distance myself from being a victim of misogyny & harassment.

[@DimaRakesah]

OMG SAME! I got a large chest at an early age and boys treated me like shit because they just saw me as a walking pair of tits for them to stare and and grab. It made "femininity" seem really scary! Now I don't give a shit and do what I want and don't let guys pull that crap. But as a teen I didn't have that confidence yet.

[@TrinaBinaBaby]

Good Gawd, I lived this and understand this so well!! 🫤😐

[@janejordan1894]

Can relate to some of this for sure.

[@Cocoanutty0]

I definitely went through something similar. Thought I hated the color pink and the one time I painted my nails in high school a friend commented on them (not even negatively) and I got so upset that I didn’t paint my nails again until college. Never pink! But my biggest thing was trying desperately to be invisible. Wearing baggy clothes to hide my body (thanks mom for telling me “women like us can’t dress in xyz” because we had curves and boobs. Fast forward and I ended up getting a breast reduction to feel less like a piece of meat, walking tits-first into every room and never being comfortable wearing a tank top. I’m much happier with a smaller chest but I know if I had been raised to respect my body and somehow ignore the sexualisation of my curvy (and at the time underaged) body, I wouldn’t likely have needed the surgery to be happy. Nor would I have developed eating disorders and gained a ton of weight from bingeing.

[@mitalichinmulgund8679]

I hope things are better for you now.

[@narcisoanasui246]

I feel like the pick me phase happens to every girl under patriarchy. It just takes small steps of realizing you don’t need a man’s validation to be valid. Can’t wait to see how you break this topic down! ❤

[@yavaneshkumar3136]

@Hybrid "Hannibal" Vigour she literally didn't even mention any sexuality

[@MorgueParfington]

thanks anasui for keepin it real, see you in the new universe where patriarchy's hopefully gone

[@airi5358]

@Hybrid "Hannibal" Vigour bad bait, boo

[@efghd2624]

Definitely, girls grow up being socialized into caring way too much what men think of them (even if they're not attracted to men), so a bit of pick me behavior is inevitable. Most girls end up confronting that behavior and find their own authentic priorities, rather than staying in it. But I definitely need to work on giving women still stuck in that mindset a little more grace, even if it is hard to see

[@alpacafish1269]

yeah... I guess so. I only went through that phase when I was like 5 and then it stopped as soon the boy that I liked left the school. After that I just went to all girls schools so I wasn't thinking much about boys and the pressure of feeling validation from them. I was just having mini crushes of the girls in my school and... yeah lol.

[@sarah8028]

I (cis woman) was abused by my mom and bullied by female friends as a kid, creating a lot of social anxiety around my fellow women and making it tough to make women friends as an adult. By contrast my dad is amazing and kind and my male friends always made me feel included. Now I’m getting older and really feeling that loss of female friendships. It’s sad and I know I’m missing out on so much richness and joy. It always hurts when people say “if she doesn’t have female friends, red flag, she’s a pick me!” because not infrequently, that is a reaction to maternal abuse. I truly wish I had female friends!

[@imirockz]

SAME!! My older brother and dad would welcome me to participate in activities yet my mum & sister criticised me and excluded me. I grew up extremely tomboy and at 21 finally have a female best friend. Took a lot of work but am only slowly learning now what femininity is, not to fear it and how to welcome it into my life in my own way. Definitely feeling like picking up the pieces I should have learned since I was young.

[@linamarcela888]

@@imirockz so glad you finally expirence a close friendship with a women .

[@emoluver619]

Same! My mother is a narcissist and an abuser and I was bullied way more by girls for being ‘weird’ because I liked dinosaurs and Pokémon and DBZ and would rather collect my Barbies and keep them in the box than get them out and play with them. Then as I got older I got more into anime and heavy music and stuff like Underworld movies and horror and I just got anxiety over things that were girly aside from Twilight. Getting manipulated as an adult later by another woman I thought I could trust didn’t help either so I do have more close male friends than female. I’m trying to get closer to the women I know but I still have that fear in me. I do think though that sometimes pick me gets thrown out too fast because people make assumptions over things like having too many male friends or criticizing another woman. In a group I’m in on Facebook that word was getting tossed around by someone towards anyone that had any sort of criticism against someone identifying as a woman and I was finally just like..there’s a difference between criticizing a woman on the basis of being a woman and criticizing a woman for their individual actions as a human.

[@user-ul7gg6xo5o]

I really hope you find that tribe of female friends ❤

[@jennleighton3209]

So true! People love throwing insults when you have legitimate reasons for your behavior! Between abuse from my sister and bullying from girls in school, my view of women was definatly tainted. And now we're the ones in the wrong?

[@manticllama]

I find it interesting that growing up, a lot of us girlies ditched our femininity to be accepted. And it worked. But then we grew up and men complained about women being too masculine.

[@aspen9326]

Facts omg

[@Just-in-Space]

Ya they always got a problem with “womanly” thing like femininity, emotions, things or interests but they get upset when women do or do not do those womanly things. Damned if you do damned if you don’t. Same thing with makeup. women are expected to have to wear makeup (especially in the work place). But then men get upset that women hide their “natural beauty” and lie when they wear makeup. Huh?

[@hallesinclair5174]

I love your brain. I could literally listen to you talk forever. The cadence, the tonation and the words themselves are just so perfect. Thanks for existing and posting stuff so I can appreciate your existence too

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Oh my goodness this is so damn kind thank you 😭💕

[@emmanuelleiroakazi4475]

I went through the hyper-feminine pick me phase, I think as a black teen in a predominately white setting growing up it was in means of survival to gain social notoriety. I used it to gain fast male approval and not necessarily believing I was desirable because "I was not like the other girls" and kinda making it into my personality trait to gain male validation. I think the media tropes of feminine competitiveness definitely fed into this phase in life, and its all about building healthy women friendships :)

[@softwaifu]

Thank you for mentioning how race was involved in this, that part doesn't get touched on enough.

[@TheBookofBeasts]

My concern is that ‘pick me girls’ are encouraging women to be financially dependent on their male partners. Under a capitalist society this can so easily become a form for of imprisonment, a extremely dangerous one where the male partner holds all the power.

[@MiniM69]

Facts! Financial abuse is a real and documented form of abuse

[@ritaevergreen7234]

This reminds me of a video that asked if one is dating for actual connection or to escape capitalism

[@mstaylor1073]

100 percent

[@Melly16yr10]

Essentially it is financial abuse

[@Cnichal]

@@ritaevergreen7234 Can I ask the name of that video?

[@BreakOrbit03]

Never went through a "pick me" phase but did go through a "not like other girls" phase as a young Black girl growing up in a predominantly white school for most of my developmental years. It was strange not knowing my place. Having to navigate race, sexuality, gender, beauty standards, etc. at such a young age was hell. Even when I eventually went to a HBCU, I still felt a bit rejected, because only "certain types" of Black women were accepted. Now I'm in my early 30s and trying to navigate being a Black bisexual woman in this current dating culture. I guess I'll never have a "place," but at least I have the wisdom to know that my problem isn't other women.

[@ChildrensRightsFirst947]

I used to visit a Depression Forum some years back. A young Black woman frequently on there once vented about how frustrating it was to be stereotyped no matter what she did. If she wasn't smiling, she was viewed as a bitch. if she showed how kind and caring she was, she felt she was a "mammy". She took her life a few days later. It was really upsetting, and opened my eyes to how hard it really is for a lot of black women living with so much prejudice every day.

[@EmblemLord]

Pick me gets misused alot the same way simp gets misused alot. A woman that genuinely cares about men is not a pick me and yet will often get labelled as such. That's not a pick me. That's just an empathetic human. A pick me is a woman that subverts her own desires and will just to be liked and accepted by men. Humans to a degree will always seek the validation of others. It is our nature. It's when you give up your own agency and principles to be liked that it becomes an unhealthy.

[@aeoligarlic4024]

Now this is an underrated comment!

[@Inkpinkierosie]

I disagree

[@beyondallmeasure]

This is a great point and very helpful. Thank you.

[@goneforgood7034]

I agree, also want to mention that pick me women will put down other women in the way of hoping to be validated by men.

[@brianc4632]

Adding to this, when your desire for validation from men involves abandoning your morals and ethics, where your behavior becomes corrosive to others, that makes you a pick-me. I do agree that seeking validation is in our nature, it’s why we draw ourselves into communities. But what makes pick-mes a problem is not their drive to be validated, because most likely they do not care as long as they obtain their goal. It’s actually the harm and fallout they spread to others. As Khadija points out it’s the pick-me women like Phyllis Schlafly who obtain power and try to impose their attitude on everyone that are the ones we need to watch out for.

[@KaiKeroseno]

I remember my "Pick me girl" phase because I felt, at that time, that I didn't fit in with girls. Then later, I realized I didn't fit in with boys either! Fast forward to the present, It was only a few months ago I realised I was nonbinary! That's what I call a great character development for me

[@allinix7]

Bro/sis... "Non-binary" does not mean anything, you are just being you... Please stop with that bullsh¡t and go study some psychology. Gender doesn't exist, it's purely social...

[@pixie9499]

my exact character arc a couple years ago 💀 welcome, baby enby! 💜💛🖤

[@michiganrico2802]

Doesn’t exist

[@ihategmailpasswords]

@@michiganrico2802these two people and many others will disagree with that. like, you having that opinion doesn't suddenly make nonbinary people vanish. tho it would be really handy trick in general, because then if i believed hard enough that people named michiganrico2802 were intelligent, you would have never made this comment in the first place :)

[@Caroline-bc3dq]

Ooh ok sorry I'll just disappear rq my bad

[@stacie1595]

There was a girl I knew in university that was a total pick me. We had many mutual friends and were both in musicals together. She would throw parties or have get-togethers and purposefully avoided inviting other women, especially if they were even remotely talented or attractive. And when we confronted her about it, she pretty much said that she was bullied in school for being "too pretty" and now she doesn't trust women... She lived with 3 dudes, pretended like she was just as into college sports as they were, and bragged about knowing craft beers. Like I know women who genuinely like that stuff and they are able to have friendships with other women regardless.

[@DelilahDarling17]

(Sorry, long comment ahead! I tend to ramble, haha). Honestly, it's really sad, in my viewpoint. I used to be similar to that too; so glad I grew out of it. Lasted through thirteen to fifteen. One can only hope seeing grown women still stuck in that mindset grow out of it too; and come to realize that no matter if you enjoy sports and tend to get along better with males, enjoy perfecting your makeup skills and frequently go out to clubs, both, neither, it really doesn't matter. You're strong, you're human, and you're totally awesome. So long as you don't put down other women for their own interests, strengths and weaknesses, and overall them as a human being. There are some truly ugly at heart people out there who deserve all the shame and ridicule they can get, but that's what matters; the heart. A woman who looks like a supermodel walking down the street could be just as informative about a skill that I've gained, or have different skills and interests for me to learn about. On top of that, could end up being an incredibly loyal and kind-hearted friend. And the same goes for a woman who works at a car repair shop that I realize has a whole group of guy friends there she's bantering back and forth with. I do try my best to give those still stuck in the mindset like the girl in your university had some grace, though. Just like Khadija taught us in the video, if I interpreted it right. As a lot of us were raised to think such a way, or were so conformed into a stereotypical box that we did everything we could to break out of it and come across as the exact opposite of said stereotype.

[@kieran163]

i’m afab and i grew up bullied by girls constantly. i was a pick me in my tween and young teen years because i was weird, and most of my friends were guys. i wanted to distance myself from femininity because i’d been ostracized from it, and i needed to take that control back. now, i’m out as nonbinary and i’ve developed my feminine self and relationships so deeply. so grateful for this video, it’s opened up a lot of reflection for me!

[@vandelay159]

I can relate to your experience of bad treatment from other girls when you were young. I was a pick-me girl, because it felt like other girls wanted nothing to do with me as I was not 'feminine' enough. I spent my twenties slowly learning about what it means to be a woman. It's taken me a lot of years to be comfortable in my femininity. And I'm a straight cis female. Even with that heteronormative identity, I've struggled with what womanhood looks like. There's a real lack of conversation around how there are myriad of ways to be a woman..I sure would have found one useful in my teens.

[@jaheriawilson19]

*literally* same like i ID as trans and am on T, but i dress femme more often because after starting t, i became more comfortable in my own skin

[@lindenm.9149]

I’ve always viewed girls as “other” and “impossibly pretty” and “the way girls are” growing up AFAB. Cried about how I needed to be more feminine and lovely to be loved. I just will never be a beautiful girl, I’m not a girl. I feel as I’ve aged I’ve become even more of a pick me even if I don’t communicate that to my friends. I want to change myself to attract a man or woman, but never did it right. Very introspective video.

[@industrialalliance9905]

This is my experience exactly

[@softcat2004]

Thank you. This was me. I was bullied and manipulated by girls and women all my life, starting with my mother. Always had at least 50% boy mates since I was in primary school. But at 35 I realised all my friends of all genders were probably all some kind of autistic and I've been relearning everything👍

[@cristinarivera5707]

We’ve all been through a pick me phase! It’s part of living in patriarchy. All I know is when I stopped considering what men think all the time, life flourished for me!

[@williampeck428]

So your ugly is what you're saying ?

[@cornbone]

we haven't "all been through a pickme phase". people need to realize that this is a very heterosexual-centric concept, and plenty of women that aren't attracted to men have not experienced this. even some women who are attracted to men haven't. it isn't a universal experience

[@wickedcarnation]

@@cornbone As a sapphic woman, I would argue otherwise. I don't believe everyone has experienced a pick-me phase, however, everyone is susceptible to that mindset because we exist in a patriarchy. I wouldn't say its heterosexual-centric. Women who aren't attracted to men, and even men themselves are subject to it.

[@lewildwest]

maybe if we define it as a sub-genre of fawning (trauma response). Like pick me for the one you don't enact violence against good sir.

[@orangemoon9634]

​@@wickedcarnation THIS 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

[@jahajahai6204]

Imagine working so hard to get your children the opportunity to have an education in 1940s, and them turn out to use that to deny all the sh*t happening. I'd like to know how much mommy issues impact that.

[@creepersonspeed5490]

^^^ As someone who has always prioritised education and independence, it would make me so hurt if my children turned around and used their power to tear down other people

[@jahajahai6204]

@@creepersonspeed5490 its tragic honestly.

[@kellharris2491]

Well honestly the feminism movement has always been very divided.

[@jahajahai6204]

@@kellharris2491 Of course. The experiences differ and hence the point of views. But i think we should draw the line somewhere. Fighting for choices and rights: feminism. Fighting against other women having a certain choice that you can easily decide over: definitly not.

[@allbutperfect]

@@kellharris2491 Like most movements...

[@marie-ie5no]

I was a severe pick me girl growing up, and now that I’m 25 I’ve come to realize that a lot of it came from me wanting male validation because my dad left me. I freed myself from that when I entered my 20’s and it’s been a fun ride. I’m so happy I grew out of it 😭😭

[@VidWatcher01]

It cracks me up when they say "I'd rather be a 'pick me' then a pass me!" And I'm like some of y'all will get passed right by when their men leave them for younger women or cheat on them

[@justhearmeout3959]

I used to be an unintentional pick me. I've done a lot of healing since then, and I'm so glad I've grown. I can't tell you how many times I unironically said "I don't get along with girls." For every time I said it, I'm sorry to the universe lol we need to uplift our fellow gals and I wish I knew that sooner ❤

[@Amal-ku9xq]

Yes, I do feel that.

[@leadinglikealady]

You’re doing the shadow work to start unlearning, that’s what matters 😊🥰. I talk about this as well on my channel, hope you take a look

[@SparkleSunflower123]

I'm really feeling this one sis...been there too.❤

[@anonhere4021]

You’ve got nothing to apologize for! To us, to the universe, or to anyone. It’s not our fault we were raised in a patriarchy. You learned and grew, and that’s badass 😎✌️✌️

[@jennleighton3209]

You have nothing to apologize for if your actions were based on the actions of another human (male or female) and not just based on their gender. I hate plenty of women but its because of their actions, not just because of their gender. One of the most toxic things you can do is to encourage toxic behavior in someone else, not all things need to be uplifted.

[@defeatedskeptic311]

I think "pick me" behavior can arise in any social situation where someone who is inherently part of an out group wants to be accepted by an in group. You have to find a way to improve your alignment with a particular group to feel accepted by said group. You want to be valued by a group you believe can bestow value on you.

[@mangopuddingdancetime5980]

This exactly. I’ve been trying to explain it forever. The “pick me” is the one who’s been socially rejected by the others, and acts out as a result. The group doesn’t want to see themselves as bad people, so they blame the “pick me’s” behavior for how they’ve acted towards her instead of introspecting about their own actions. This legitimately happened during the Holocaust. The Jews, who were rejected by German society, worked extra hard in order to be successful and win their acceptance. As a consequence of this they drew the envy and ire of those who had rejected them, and blamed and punished the Jews for their OWN economic problems. When, they had only become successful to prove their worth to them in the first place. Bullying one person, whether they’re a pick me or not, is scapegoating. It’s just cruelty in the name of “keeping people in line.” But the pick me has some power after all- To say enough, and to walk away, and set their boundaries.

[@MiniM69]

I think it’s particularly insidious with women when everything in our society reinforces that…there aren’t many other instances when this is true.

[@jestenia590]

So true, ‘pick me’ behavior can transcend/encapsulate any one marginalized-group imo

[@spook6394]

Yeah, basically any marginalized group has a subgroup of these people who just suck up to the oppressor for acceptance. For example, I know trans people who say some pretty transphobic shit so that cis people like them; Like how they "aren't like the other dramatic queer people who give a shit if you misgender them, or who have blue hair and are expressive in their clothing (who make it so obvious that they're trans, so they clearly just want attention), or who care about their rights or shit like that."

[@mhawang8204]

Interesting. So in theory if we didn’t live under patriarchy where men hold more power, there wouldn’t be pick me’s because there would be no social benefits for that.

[@beanbean4563]

I have a woman film professor who exhibits a lot of this; her way to get to the top of a male-dominated industry was basically to "become a man", act more masculine and to shame femininity and women along the way. It's sad to see, because while I understand that she was probably just doing her best to get ahead in a situation that was oppressing her, she still didn't see that oppression for what it is and instead continued the cycle of it. Luckily, I think she's getting a little better about this now, but boy do I have some funny stories of some strange things she's said about women. The pick-me girl trope is also tough because sometimes people who dislike pick-mes can end up shaming women who just don't happen to like feminine things or genuinely have trouble forming connections with other women. I have the big ADHD, and being neurodivergent really affected the way I saw gender and interacted with women especially when I was younger. I think neurodivergent behavior is often more normalized amongst young men (You are obsessed with trains? Great! You don't want to talk most of the time? Awesome!) and this can cause ladies like myself to feel more comfortable in male or mixed spaces, free from a lot of the expectations that come with primarily female spaces. At the end of the day, everyone's experience is different, intersectionality woohoo!

[@leeh4669]

Your perspective is so valid, but I just wanted to offer up mine because it's almost the opposite haha. I also have ADHD, and one of the ways it manifests for me is being very talkative, and seeming bubbly and friendly or "on" 24/7. This actually has made boys dismiss me as someone who couldn't do well in school or understand difficult concepts. In male spaces, I feel as though I need to suppress myself and act quiet and awkward to be taken seriously. I feel much more comfortable with women, who are more likely to understand that yes, I talk, laugh, play with my hair a lot, maybe I'm too upbeat, but that doesn't invalidate my interests or intelligence.

[@beanbean4563]

@@leeh4669 That’s so interesting how it can turn out different depending on your presentation and the type of guys/gals you are around! I’m bubbly and talkative too, and for some reason it didn’t affect my situation in the same way. There’s so many nuances that go into it, thank you for sharing your experience!

[@leeh4669]

@@beanbean4563 no problem, i think it's very interesting how we seem so similar and yet had such different experiences haha. another part of why my experience was different could be that i was born in SoCal but moved to the Northeast for high school, so i spoke like a "california girl" which is stereotypically connotated with being an airhead. but who knows tbh, my school had more guys than girls so they just naturally talked over us for a lot of the class, and because they were often the majority, it was normalized :/

[@QUEERVEEART]

yooo i am neurodivergent and had a similar experience! i was always in groups with mixed gender and it was basically all the weird kids lol. i did feel different from girls but i also felt different from boys. it was confusing but i always accepted my weirdness, all my friends did and i think it's because we had such a strong friend group and we were all strange so we weren't as afraid of judgment in our own circle and we were proudly weird lol. me and my best friend also dressed really colorful and crazy in middle and high school. what a time.

[@worldwaide]

“Being straight sounds like a N i g h t m a r e” I thought I was the only one who shared that sentiment when it came to stuff like this 😭

[@Danielle-zq7kb]

It often is, but it’s also not a choice when it’s what you are.

[@DylonsBBGorl]

@@Danielle-zq7kb It goes both ways, so It's the irony of your comment.

[@ItsOKtobeNormal]

@@DylonsBBGorl what

[@marufubi]

frl tho, the cishet datingpool seems like a cesspool of toxicity.

[@jo4550]

No wonder us straighties are so angry all the time we cannot understand or be understood by the people we’re attracted to 😭

[@summerbandicoot4761]

My favorite part of that Greys Anatomy clip is you can kinda see Ellen Pompey dying inside because she rallied so hard against it. She said her character would never do that but back then she didn’t have as much say/sway on the show so they made it and she hated it lol

[@ktlg1423]

This lmao. I think there's a recent interview where she said she was crying (in the clip?) Because she was begging a man lol.

[@mitalichinmulgund8679]

Yes, but the actor always has to be able to separate their own values and beliefs from that of the characters they are playing. Otherwise you aren't acting, you're just being yourself. As a theatre person, this is something we see all the time: I wouldn't do this, I wouldn't say that. Yes, but this is not you, this is another human being.

[@lauralvw8445]

Het acting was great, though. It's very realistic to cringe while begging a man to pick you like that

[@LynxChan]

The fact you got through this entire thing without mentioning Pearl once is honestly impressive

[@eosp9376]

As if the cover doesn't say it loud enough? Lol

[@eliasmg9144]

Pearl isn't unique, tbh

[@redwoodrebelgirl3010]

I wish that miscreation would fade into the obscurity she deserves. I wish no one has ever been aware of her--she has offered nothing positive to humanity, &, indeed, is a force of oppression, exploitation, enslavement, & abuse for women. In my opinion & experience.

[@SadicMoutExt12]

For non French speakers who want to know, at 26:40, the guy says : "He doesn't go to the girls all cringy and all, but at the same time, in everything he does, he's just looking for validation and confirmation of what he already feels and wants you to tell him" Then, at 30:28 : "The problem with the correlation between being feminist and being a Pick Me, maybe if you're a Pick Me, you're feeling..." (finishes in English) Not a literal translation but the meaning is correct ;)

[@SemicolonExpected]

This should be pinned since I'm sure all of us were looking for this comment xD

[@FinntasticMrFox]

Loved the interviews and, as always, the encouragement of self-awareness. There are ways to have these conversations without it being yet another venue for mocking and belittling women for the things they enjoy.

[@KhadijaMbowe]

Very that. I’m here for women’s rights, wrongs, and delusions (to an extent)

[@LangkeeLongkee]

Tbh the main issue with the pick me and not like other girls, hell I'd say the only actual issue, is the putting down other women thing. I don't care how feminine or masculine or who you tend to be friends with and all that kinda thing. I don't believe in shaming women for the things they enjoy. Unless the thing they enjoy is putting down other people. Cause that's wack.

[@Turshin]

​@@KhadijaMbowe when you did date men, did you believe in competing for the man you wanted?

[@esikazemese]

@@LangkeeLongkee great thought!

[@IoaLady2000]

@@christopherbrown5409 we were wwo

[@zigzagperson]

For me there is a difference between a "pick me" and "not like other girls", mostly because I was one but not the other. In elementary I was picked on a lot, mostly by the girls, mostly because of different behaviorisms I had (for an amalgamation of reasons). So being "not like other girls" became my lifeline, my identity. It helped me get through elementary.. Later I learned to untangle this and appreciate my "femininity" as well as my "masculinity", but that took having some girls be nice to me in middle school.

[@peachesandpoets]

In what way is this rare enough for you not to be like other girls? Do you know how many billions of us have the exact story you just told? You're like other girls.

[@andreablossom3929]

The thing that worries me about the pick me and her male counterpart is that pick me usually attracts predators, she ends up in an abusive relationship and then comes children. So the pick me usually doesn't know what her pick me traits are going to walk her into. When she gets on the internet I worry about the amount of impressionable women and girls that she will influence to follow in her steps and not realize that majority of the time they are just prepping and propping themselves up to be a very plump savory chicken awaiting slaughter. If it were just about women enjoying serving their men, etc I would mind my business, but the truth is these men they end up with are malignantly abusive. They present to the world one way and even put together, and at home they are selfishly the center of gravity. When these two have children 18 years later the world has to deal with all the f'ery they learned at home. Yes this is reductive and generalized, but you all get my point. We are in a mental health crisis because of our childhoods of abuse where likely we had a pick me mother and a psycho/narc/socio father, also of course vice versa.

[@sanninlegends1843]

A collab between Chad Chad and Khadija would be soo epic✨ (Edit: Just because they don't have similar styles doesn't mean that their chemistry won't be good. It's about the amount of engagement)

[@TinyGhosty]

Both Chad Chad and Khadija bring so much confidence, humor, and joy to their collaborations so the two of them would be legendary indeed.

[@derpherpblerp]

omg yes when

[@skoolboi9901]

The gravity from such a collaboration would cause a new black hole and thus destroy our solar system… Looking forward to it.

[@Ranachdi]

She’s way more intellectual

[@melowlw8638]

​​@@Ranachdi who chad chad or khadija + one being more intellectual doesnt mean the collab cant be fun and silly but still intellectual

[@bressanyoss]

Videos like this give me hope. I don't know when we as women will stop picking each other appart, but let me tell you that one of the things that did more harm to me growing up was not being around enough women or girls. I thought that by having 5 brothers and being the only daughter I'd learn how to deal with men, and all I learned instead was how to be a man in a society that would never see me as one; therefore allowing me to be in vulnerable positions where I thought I could be safe, but in reality men would still abuse their power over me if I let my guard down. It was the most toxic thing I could ever experience. And don't get me wrong, I was never trying to be a pick me. It was manly since that was all I knew, and I was always rejected by other girls untils I found one or two girls that would accept my "antics".

[@neon.anissa]

THIS

[@Amal-ku9xq]

I feel this way too much. Sending love to you.

[@SamRabbitx]

Oh I feel this! My mother was incredibly masculine (she ended up coming out as a lesbian when I was a teenager) and my only siblings is my older brother. We're super close in age so he was my first friend. I was a real tomboy growing up, short hair, boys clothes, sports, rough housing. I had to learn how to be feminine on my own and it was a confusing journey, to say the least.

[@bressanyoss]

@@SamRabbitx I hope it only made you stronger! 💙

[@alexandrawilson-hodge2974]

I think a lot of us have experienced the NLOG phase because of how desperately, even subconsciously, we want to evade the chains of patriarchy. Then, through experiencing patriarchy and sexism when you’re “not like the other girls”, you come to realize that it’s not the fault of those “other girls”. And a lot of the time, those of us who come out of that phase realize we were actually experiencing gender dysphoria, mental health issues, realizing we weren’t straight, being bullied, etc. Like now as a bisexual woman, I look back and realize that a large part of why I didn’t feel like other girls was because I was coming into my gender and sexuality and I didn’t know what was going on.

[@frogblehfrog143]

I kinda had a not like the other girls phase and it's weird because it was so obvious that I only felt that way was because I''m autistic and a lesbian

[@dlilwon]

Hmmm went through that phase too. No mental illness or dysphoria with me. I simply became aware of it and stopped it. 🤷🏽‍♀️

[@beilultesfom4929]

What are you saying

[@DecarabiaSMT]

I can recall two times in my life being a victim of a pick-me girl and straight culture. I'm on the autism spectrum and although I'm attracted to both men and women, I am not looking for a relationship of any degree. However I have been in a situation (twice!) where I have been hanging out with a girl, who is falls into 'not like other girls' pick me type, where we have been hanging out with a man that she is clearly interested in. And here is where the nightmare unfolds. Because the pick-me does everything in her power to make herself look like the man's better option (be nice to him, compliment him, show him attention and affection, make fun of me or other women in comparison to herself) it paradoxically made the man interested in me (who is not interested in him.) both times this has happened where I've spent time within this dynamic and then get the "heyyy" text from the man, the woman gets pissed at me! and I just sit there with my head in my hands.

[@jinaolen786]

The greatest irony is pick-mes never know their behaviors will lead to them not getting picked! It's so painful to watch 😬

[@TheBookofBeasts]

I was a ‘don’t pick me girl’. I grew up in Alabama where everyone was a Christian pick me girl. I refused to shave my legs, to where dresses, to think I should be submissive. I had this fear that if I fell in love with a boy from Alabama I would never escape. Turns out I am a queer, poly, bi, they/them person….. and I did escape. 🙂

[@VarsisErion]

🎉🎉🎉

[@pizzadogma]

That’s just being a not like other girls

[@CaptainSoftboy501]

Love that for you 🥰🥰🥰

[@glitteriable]

“Don’t pick me” so real 😭

[@MrMariahhuff]

@@pizzadogmathey’re not like other girls, they’re non binary

[@YuukitheMighty1]

As a straight woman, I 100% agree that being straight is exhausting.

[@carleighrousseau4226]

it so issssss

[@yahia9481]

@@carleighrousseau4226 Love each other 🙂 and sing katy perry i kissed a girl

[@stephanielufungula8907]

Damn sucks for y’all

[@birichinaxox9937]

Definitely not a choice😅

[@Lifeishard237]

For real

[@MarlopolyGaming]

Tbh i also feel there's a crossover between undiagnosed autism in teenage girls, and "not like other girls" brand of pick-me. As autism tends to present as more "masculine" social traits, which young girls get ostractised for. Many of them feel they can't relate to other girls, or really anyone but especially girls, so in turn they get that constant feedback loop of: "I feel weird and dont' fit in....I'm not like other girls"---"You are weird and don't fit in"----"I was right, I'm not like other girls".

[@koslo6186]

Yeah, I always had the feeling to not be able to be like the other girls - so I tried even harder to be like the other girls, I really wanted to be like them. So I never hated on other girls. However, I never got positive feedback from guys either, maybe thats the reason why I didn't became a pickme, bc guys treated me way worse.

[@MarlopolyGaming]

@@koslo6186 I was less of a pick me and more of a "don't pick me" lol

[@alylu-to-esutej]

I totally get this, I think I have undiagnosed autism and growing up (still today) I could never figure out how to relate to my friends and figure out what to talk about. I never felt like I belonged or was understood, even by my little social group on the edge of high school society. There were a few times where I tried to be more feminine, buying more feminine clothes that I ultimately couldn't wear because they felt wrong. I wanted to be friends with guys because I felt like I shared their sense of humor and desire to adventure better in high school. Ultimately I think that style of communication was easier for me and not just limited to guys. It took until senior year, but I did start to branch out to more people which helped me have way better empathy for my female peers I just didn't understand before. I think the struggle was that I was expected to talk and act a certain way and like certain things, but when I realized I didn't have to I felt much more comfortable with myself and other people.

[@luthientinuviel3883]

I had this experience! I'm happy being a girl but gender presentation and such evaded me as an undiagnosed autistic person. However, I could tell I wasnt desirable to guys because of this so it wasnt exactly a "pick me" phase. Nowadays im just floating through life as a genderless blob that still identifies as a girl

[@ghoster7600]

Add racialized black and poc girlies/ afab enbies too, my heart goes out to them.

[@blueicemountain6831]

If only I could have seen a video like this like 10 years ago. I remember going through a not like other girls faze in junior high, I had been bullied by the girls in school for years and I never really felt like I fit in. I miss placed a LOT of that pain onto all women and began striving to be "not like other girls" and "quirky". Years later, I realised that that the reason I felt so different was that I have autism and finally starting allowing myself to have traditionally feminine interests/hobbies. This video really expressed all these feelings I've had in my head for years, wonderfully put and beautiful video.

[@paradisefound3536]

Thoroughly enjoyed this as always. There's definitely a vibe to this whole topic that feels like a flashback of being bullied in school. Autistic, queer, SA survivor raised in a cult. Whatever the reason, I really was not much like other girls. I always loved and admired women but it's taken me decades to learn how to connect with them. I don't think the autism/NLOG crossover is talked about enough. There is simultaneously a huge difference and an undeniable parallel between "I can't deal with girly drama" and "I struggle to read people and social situations. And the additional layers of social nuance, generally present in early female interactions is extra hard for me" Then there is the uncanny valley phenomenon at play between neurodivergent and neurotypical people of the same gender. This also can make some NDs gravitate towards friendships with people of the opposite gender, in order to minimise the feeling of alienation. Not only that which is directed at them but also that which they innately feel... ...yeeeah I think I do be triggered 😂

[@bugfaced]

4 things: 1) its my first time seeing u 2) already a fan, the vibes are immaculate 3) appreciate the obvious effort you and your team put in this video + appreciate the CCs ! - from a deafie 4) i WILL be subscribing

[@MoodCandy79]

Definitely had my pick me era but was settled pretty quick once I found out about my autism and adhd and maybe the reason i "wasnt like other girls" was literally just a lack of knowledge about myself and how my brain worked and the world outside mine.

[@ptlovelight2971]

I'm starting to wonder if most of the "pick me" and "not like other girls" gals are just on the spectrum and don't know....I definitely see traits in some of those Tik Toks

[@ckw4244]

I had this same phase when I was 12-13 before being diagnosed

[@Homodemon]

Certainly feels like it, coming from someone in the spectrum who also went through a pick me phase in their younger years. I've meet some NLOGs across the decades and for some, being an NLOG is like a self imposed hyperfixation, they become so damn OBSESSED with projecting a certain image of themselves to their male friend groups is like there's no more personality to them besides being someone who thinks girls are stupid, unlike them, that they're smart because they're tough and non woke, that they "can take jokes and be funny", that they know how to shitpost better that the other girls... Specially in this era were feminity is super associated with social, cultural and political awareness, with being an "SJW" (pardon my french), concepts that a lot of neurodivergent folk might struggle with in their youth specially, so is common to see teen NLOGs also rubbing elbows with those sorts of radicalized groups unknowingly and thinking "yeah, these are my people, they don't care as much as I do about all these topics, I have to impress them I should be besties with them! I'm not like all those other girls that talk about feminism and toxic masculinity on social media, I'm fun and uncomplicated like that!"

[@coldgrandpa]

I feel like as a fat lesbian I've always kind of uniquely interacted with the whole pick me girl thing. Like for me, in my formative years and watching almost every girl around me fall over themselves to vy for the attention of boys who viciously bullied me was really weird. Instead of having a pick me phase I had a I hate men and boys phase

[@coldgrandpa]

I'm still in that phase

[@goldenboy3154]

Valid lol

[@themidwestemo]

Based

[@gwencere9383]

Same lol, I went to an all girls school so I couldn't isolate myself from other girls and just skipped straight to the man hate, can't say my feelings have changed too much though

[@Cateater123]

boys are angels 😇

[@pebabmey]

36:50 "I just like learning for the sake of learning" ME TOO!! This was such an informative video to watch.

[@hellnah3982]

i went through a huuuuge “i’m not like other girls” phase when i was 12-16. i hated anything feminine and pink, because i had many guy “friends” and they just hated on girls all the time. i didn’t wanna be like them to get the validation and attention. now i love everything pink and don’t try to be different to be liked.

[@rebeccassweetmusic4632]

My NLOG phase definitely heightened in middle school/high school. The beginning of my feminism was rejecting anything I saw as "feminine" because I didn't want to participate in the systems of the patriarchy. I was against wearing makeup and didn't like pink. I loved classic rock bands and wearing band tees and jeans to school (still do, minus the school part lol). I used to believe that anybody dressed sexily and looked more "feminine," was inviting the guys to objectify them. I remember making a cringe comment about my views on Marilyn Monroe and was rightfully called out and challenged on it. That was the first time I actually started to realize my own internalized misogyny. Now, I am on my journey through my own feminity and learning to embrace it more. For example, I have learned that makeup isn't "feminine." It was only given that label because of the patriarchal systems that placed gender roles on us. I love wearing makeup every now and then and have learned that it is an art form that anyone can learn. It is also a form of expression. Same with clothes too. For me, dressing masculine was a coat of armor and it was my comfort zone. Wearing vintage-inspired clothes and including more cute outfits in my wardrobe has given me more confidence to bring out my inner child back. The inner child that loved playing with her Barbies and obsessing over her favorite Disney Princesses:) I am also not against women who don't feel feminine because I have been there, myself. We shouldn't tear each other down just so we can feel superior.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

It’s always a lovely day in the KZbin Neighbourhood when Khadija uploads a new video.

[@itzelm0rales]

Totally agree! ❤

[@loyisog4795]

Saying “Pick me. Choose me. Love me” in succession is wild 🤣🤣🤣

[@miriam7192]

i remember this quote (in relation to the backlash to the second-wave feminist movement) that went along the lines of "the women who opposed the feminist movement simultaneously got the benefits of the livestyle feminists had fought for (as in being out of the home, having a career, etc.), while retaining the social priviledge of being a 'traditional' woman" & i think of that every time i'm near a pick me

[@stephaniestrong8960]

I love that you're incredibly knowledgeable, and a great presenter, but also keep it real and humble. Thank you for educating us 🎓

[@Luninareph]

I absolutely love how Khadija can switch back and forth between "extremely serious and professional, treating the conversation with the utmost respect and gravity" into "riotous humor and hilarity overflowing out of every pore" so quickly and so easily, and bring you along for the ride so you never feel lost or confused at the sudden changes. Incredible skill.

[@TrangPakbaby]

“Anything you want to say to the pickmes?” “🤬 you” WE STAN!! 😂😂😂

[@sw8228]

Having dressed very boyish and being a loud kid. That part wasn’t my pick me phase. My pick me phase is when I realized that men didn’t like me as I was and it flung me into dressing more feminine and attractive to what I perceived men to enjoy. I was older now so I couldn’t play with gender how I wanted. Im really glad I’m out of that and dressing how I want. Im nonbinary now and I’m dressing as masc or as fem as I want cause its not up to how others find me attractive, its about me. I pick me, I choose me, I love me ☺️

[@lilys3036]

I think a lot of women grow up as ´pick me’ and understand later on that it was something we were sort of forced to feel as we were raised like that! I remember back in middle school I thought I was so special and I hated other girls, I thought they were superficial and dumb 😅 I completely changed my opinion on it as I grew up and did a lot of work to know what feminism was and what it meant to be a feminist. It was a lot of work especially considering I’m a lesbian, so working on both my internalized misogyny and homophobia…

[@zee-zm1io]

Please do more of these community interviews. Such enjoyment! On the topic of being chosen, it doesn’t matter if you won’t chose them back 😂

[@lindiwengwevela524]

Phyllis Schlafly was literally the inspiration for Serena Joy Waterford in The Handmaid's Tale.

[@leag5258]

this is so interesting. i work with high school youth and lead workshops on (among other things) gender & gender stereotypes. not that long ago, i had a class talk to me about how they felt that the 'pick me' label felt like another way that others/society at large punishes them for just being girls. they were talking about how if you are 'girly' (ie. like feminine things like makeup, clothes etc) you're deemed 'superficial' and 'dumb' but if you say that you don't like that stuff - then you're called a 'pick me'. idk i thought it was interesting cause my only interaction with the pick me label is exactly what Khadija describes and i can also see how the popularity of this term can/has put people into more rigid boxes or unattainable standards. i dont disagree with the video at all, i just thought it was so interesting to hear this from some of my students! anyways, great video - as always! love your stuff Khadija! 🤩

[@Subjugatedhappywife]

Thank you. One reasonable comment. Shocking. I was hunting.

[@Maialeen]

It just sounds like kids misusing a term and having little idea of what they're even talking about.

[@maybemablemaples2144]

@@Maialeen this. It's simply a descriptor for a red flag. It's a woman who is only self interested but some kids may not get how toxic that can be.

[@hanatemonstas4485]

@@Maialeen Like most internet labels.

[@LTADrocks]

I never associated the 'pick me, choose me, love me' line from Grey's as being related to the pick-me trope! I always thought of it as her just specifically her asking not to be his mistress anymore lmao

[@unpreparedwithacapitalf]

i haven't seen grey's anatomy but i'm pretty certain that *is* what she mean and it was just picked up by tiktok and made into a meme

[@lillywakeshimalacombe9746]

Asking to not be a man's mistress is pathetic itself

[@danaso2567]

She was asking him to chose her instead of his wife, not the best moment for that character.

[@SR77736]

It's the same thing.

[@Andree3000]

I agree! She wanted this guy to choose her romantically, but that’s not the real spirit of being a pick me, which to me, seeks male validation.

[@robrobrobot6867]

I love your videos Khadija! You have such charisma both in street interviews and talking to the camera, I love how you joke around with the people you interview to make sure they stay comfortable, and its refreshing to see a representation of what people on the street think

[@ArielKalati]

Loved this video's exploration of the history of the "pick me" because I did not realize the actual origin of the phrase. I heard it from one of my sixth grade students who was giving a presentation and tripped over her words and said, "I'm so sorry, I don't mean to sound like a pick me girl right now", and then I started seeing it online all the time. I watched some TikToks and I thought that "pick me girl" meant any girl who doesn't wear makeup or dresses and feels different from the feminine girls around her, and that that's really awful of her because she could only possibly be doing that to get attention from men, and so the trend of mocking pick-me girls really pissed me off. Because like... why is every behavior a woman ever does somehow traced back to how she must desperately desire a man? Why is it that women going outside of gender roles needs to be mocked? I was a "not like other girls" girl in high school, and people gave me so much shit about how that was secretly anti-feminist of me to not want to shave my legs or date boys... and I'm literally just a lesbian, but I remember I started trying to wear makeup and dresses and get crushes on boys so that I could prove that I cared about "real" feminism and I wasn't a "not like other girls internalized misogynist". So I was fully convinced that "pick me girl" was just an insult that people threw at gender-non-conforming girls, but apparently the origin of the phrase is more, like, Girl Defined and Classically Abby type girls lol. It reminds me of what happened with "Karen", where it also started with Black Twitter criticizing an actual problem and then got picked up by white teenage boys wanting to mock their female classmates (that same student I mentioned earlier got called a "Karen" for telling white boys in her class to stop bullying other kids at recess). But anyway, this was a fantastic video about the history of women telling other women about how to act to get that most important of all things, a husband. As well as how it ties into white feminism- I totally agree with how you phrased the concept that feminism cannot function via women only prioritizing their narrow experience of womanhood, and ignoring the needs of other women, and the examples you brought from history are unfortunately still fucking happening today aaaahhh! Excellent video Also: love the Goncharov poster in your background lol

[@MrTombombodil]

The way you dart between nuanced commentary and irreverent levity without ever losing the thread is so impressive. Fantastic work.

[@Heather-sb1he]

I was the deffinition of "tomboy" growing up.. still am, but i never like bragged about, i was just being myself... i just was more "masculine" then what a typical girl was.. i had 2 brothers and my father raised us all the same... i tried making friends with girls it just was harder for me. I just find that if people walk away from the screen for a bit, you realize how silly 99.9 percent of these arguments people have online are.

[@Cateater123]

Finally a sane person , i know a lot of tomboy women . Literally they called themselves non-binary trans helicopter.

[@penelopeandpriscillaaregay1712]

I remember I was quite a “not like other girls” person as a kid, and looking back is a bit of a mixed bag for me, because on one hand it was very much true. I was very different from most of the other girls - I was very different than most _people_ . I was autistic and experienced a massive amount of ostracising from the world, and a lot of pressure to be what people expect from little girls. So I would wear that I wasn’t that in defiance. But really the thing I wasn’t was neurotypical, or a projection of misogyny.

[@karlab95]

Same here. Being autistic meant I wasn't catching the social clues on how to be "girly" properly; so much of what made "girliness" seemed nonsensical. I just couldn't do it.

[@massivel]

omg i love your username and pfp. that was one of my favorite shows as a kid

[@ctravisful]

I appreciate how she said " I'm just here for the sake of learning" and "what do I know". MEE TOOOO. Just things to chew on, no hate, maybe some self- evaluation. She is ALWAYS on point with her research and presentation though, I love it!

[@ralola1]

I was a pick me in high school. I was super anti-girly stuff and wanted more than anything for a guy to pick me. Then I realized I was bisexual and that a lot of what I was going through stemmed from my shame over my attraction towards women. Once I processed that I felt safe enough to express my feminity.

[@faceyl]

Reading this comments are really cool - I'm loving the "Pick me to Queer" pipeline I'm seeing 🤩 it's so interesting and I've never realized that but for a lot of us, the "Not like other girls" ACTUALLY means not like other girls Lol but for different reasons 😅❤

[@sainttheresetaylor2054]

the thing is if you feel ostracised, many other girls probably relate to you and share your interests aswell

[@kyla8386]

Not allowing men to be your first priority, your reason for looking good, your motivation for working out, your desire to be seen is so freeing, live for yourself not for them

[@Puchitosama]

I'm trying so hard to do this. I've always wanted to lose weight just to get a bf but realized that it's healthier to do it for myself.

[@katyalambo]

Love the mix of French and English. Warms my little Canadian heart ❤

[@burpie3258]

Same!

[@JKLOLgirl101]

Moi aussi!!

[@grandsome1]

De same!

[@shannonmalcom6087]

Love this. I'm aging myself, but when I was in college and a young mother, Dr. Laura was big on talk radio going on about "I am my kid's mom" and going on and on about women should be at home. Literally saying it while having a big-time career - the hypocrisy was mind-boggling. I have nothing against SAHMs - whatever lifestyle works for you and your family is fine. But when you're a woman and you make a career out of making other women feel guilty for wanting to have a career is pretty messed up.

[@drishticatiwi4081]

most girls I know went through the "not like other girls faze" with similar reason to why I did. I rejected all feminine traits because for my entire life they were what led to me not be taken seriously. That faze was me trying to be recognized for my talents and not that "she good for a girl" I didn't want to be tied to that. I was always underestimated because I'm a girl and not very tall. That faze for me was an attempt to be taken seriously. It failed, I realized that this was the reality that would never change. I will always be underestimated. People will always feel the need to protect me or not take me seriously.

[@ravynwillis4237]

I really love how you've started incorporating 'man on the street' interviews into your videos. I get secondhand joy watching your interactions with people because you just seem like a great person to have a conversation with and that really comes through in your interviews ❤❤

[@Dusty.Spinster]

8:14 OMG For real. Straight people have so many expectations of each other it’s absolutely insane. I’d rather deal with the reduced dating pool of being gay than dealing with heterosexual dating landscape.

[@iateyursandwiches]

This. I feel like in a way, nonheterosexual relationships allow for everyone's true personality to shine through. You're never worried about who is the more assertive person in the relationship or makes more money and more importantly, there is no expectation that one's genitalia should dictate who that is. I envy LGBT folks in that way.

[@tfkdandsvkc]

@@iateyursandwiches been thinking about this gay relationships are so healthy and equal and no one should be submissive to the other or be forced by misogynistic marriage rules

[@nairobi8337]

Heteros are projecting their issues on the LGBT

[@lisdexamphetamine]

@@tfkdandsvkcon one hand yes, but gay relationships are also tricky because DV is a lot less cut and dry. Lesbians have the highest physical abuse rate out of all kinds of relationships and gay men are way less likely to report being in abusive relationships, because it's more of a "fair fight" than a traditional M/F relationship

[@lisdexamphetamine]

i think all the communities have issues (some shared some specific) when it comes to relationship expectations and how we treat our partners and ourselves. only by deconstructing the toxic parts of our behaviour can we try and minimise damage to ourselves and others.

[@Bloobadgerz]

As someone who grew up undiagnosed autistic and as a woman for half of my life ( i started identifying as nonbinary when i was 14, am 23 now) I was an unintentional pick me! and i feel if we consider neurodivergent women in this conversation as well we can consider that alot of us who are neurodiverse end up being accidental pick mes bc of our neurodivergent-ness. I knew I for sure liked being surrounded by boys as friends because I was to believe girls really didnt like games or “nerdy stuff” when i was growing up! I didnt fit in and I thought it was because I “wasnt like other girls” when in reality I was just autistic. even now at 23 i understand I dont fit in much but I enjoy being around women because I would love to keep them close to me and love them!

[@piroshk1968]

🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷🩷

[@joyofcookies]

As best as I can unpack my own “not like other girls” phase; I think a lot of it was born out of my feelings of inadequacy at being a pretty, dainty, demure, and/or the stereotypical desirable girl. I knew I couldn’t compete with prettier girls at being ‘girly’ so I opted out of the competition and went the other way. (Thankfully I wasn’t the type who eschewed female friendships over male ones, I’m too much of a social junkie to limit myself that way 😆) Now I just like to jokingly say, “I’m not like other girls, I don’t drink pumpkin spice lattes, I drink pumpkin spice beer!” 😂😜

[@alexbadila1]

Pablo seems like a nice and wholesome guy. I wish the best for him.

[@Strawbebbyy]

All I’ll say for the pick me girlies is have an emergency fund, have trusted people. If things go bad you don’t want to have depended on that man for everything. Don’t get stuck bbs

[@danaso2567]

Tru, besides all the debate (which I enjoy), this is an important message

[@astrology4divination]

"Being straight sounds terrible" bahahahaha 🤣don't be sorry Khadija, heteronormativity is misery

[@maggiescarlet]

I'm genuinely (bi)curious, are gay/queer relationships really any easier? It seems complicated to me with the aesthetics being tied to top/bottom roles, biphobia, and the stereotype of everyone dating eachother's exes because there are fewer partners to choose from. I don't know how true any of these are, but it sounds kinda stressful to me 😂

[@nairobi8337]

@@maggiescarlet you just don’t know what homosexuality is, you live in the internet. Heteor etc women litteraly date their oppressor 😂 that is enough to say

[@DoodleDoo2]

Yikesss

[@taiyabazaheer9492]

It's true. I can confirm as a straight girl.

[@arwen69696]

@@maggiescarlet Honestly most queer people I know don't strictly abide to top/bottom roles. Sure, biphobia sucks, especially when it comes from a person you were genuinely interested in but personally I've been met with a fair share of biphobia from straight people and a bit of internalized biphobia being projected onto me by another bi friend and little to none from my lesbian friends. Maybe it's just our friend group but at least for us there's more "straight" exes than gay ones tbh I am best friends with my guy ex, his girlfriend and my former best friend's ex tho sooo it does happen but it's worked out for us so far 🤷‍♀

[@MocaLykke]

I've barely started the video yet but you've shown those drawings (the "other girls = nay; me = yeah" kind) and it reminded me that one of my favorite things on the internet a few years back was how people would take those and subvert them by turning the girls into cute couples. It was such an adorable and wholesome trend. =) I've never really been a pick me (the joys of being aroace, lol) but I've had a "not like other girls" phase and funnily enough I can't even blame it on being non-binary, just good ol' internalized mysoginy.

[@NatLaS]

My favorite type of subversion for those memes were the “Im not like other girls. Because I am XQTCLTX, DESTROYER OF WORLDS AND I HAVE ARISEN TO-“ Always found it extremely funny

[@NatLaS]

I had a “not like other girls” phase but not in a fun way lol In the “why am I not like them? :(“ Turns out I was just Ace lmao

[@ericamorales1689]

I forgot how much I like the "Khadija on the streets" segment. Excited for this season :)

[@MeezyCreezy504]

Ive been desperate to find someone with my brand of weird and humor who also can define this whole phenomena eloquently and intelligently and BAM. this. Is. It! Ive been trying to understand and explain this headache and this encapsulates ERRYTHANG so perfectly and palpably. Thank you. Subscribed. Shared. Im a fan.

[@martianpudding9522]

I struggle with the way "not like other girls'-girls arw discussed because I'm an autistic afab enby so I relate to that thought in a pretty painful way, and it makes me sad that there doesn't seem to be much thought given to girls who just are more masculine/don't fit in/aren't actually girls but trans, etc. Not being like my female peers was a very painful experience and I resent the idea that it was all my fault or I was being sexist and not fitting in on purpose

[@MsFeyCreature]

People do conflate NLOG types with tomboys. Hell, people accuse trans mascs of transitioning just to escape gendered discrimination. There is a difference, though. Just being into stuff outside your assigned gender box doesn't hurt anyone. It becomes a problem when someone starts shitting on other women and making a big show of disgust at anything feminine. I think people can jump the gun and assume that your lack of interest in girly things is Making a Statement, but I imagine more often it's a knee-jerk response to someone behaving in a way they don't expect. Valid criticism (and not all criticism is valid) of NLOG behavior isn't criticism of actually being not like other girls, but of implying or outright stating that that makes you better than them.

[@alpacafish1269]

as an autistic peep myself... same

[@Rhaifha]

I don't think the "not like other girls" thing is about how you dress, or what your interests are. It's the attitude that those choices make you superior. I'm autistic too, and I definitely had a "not like other girls"-phase. I wasn't just a tomboy, I looked down on girly girls. And that's just blatantly ridiculous. But that doesn't mean you *have* to look feminine or have feminine interests and anyone who even implies that all tomboys are "not like other girls"-girls is being just as ridiculous.

[@nogodsnomasters6963]

I relate to this, im afab enby and have adhd, i was always "different" and it was rough. Still is, often enough. But the way i interpret this whole discourse is that the problem is the devaluation of women+femmes and femininity in general that is being expressed. "Youre just a girly girl and those suck, so I'm better than you." I think this kind of hierarchical thinking (& acting) is very different from not fitting in (for whatever reason), which doesn't automatically mean you think you're better than xyz, nor that you shxt on others. The problem is putting women down, not being non-binary (and/or presenting masc etc.). Maybe this doesn't get mentioned enough? I do get weirded out a lot when i engage (too much) with this "pickmes and manosphere" discourse, with the endless musings about what it means to be a man or woman etc. Like femininity and masculinity aren't made up and whatever traits are ascribed to the concepts aren't present in everyone to varying degrees?! Like hellooooo I'm enby and i have those "masculine" traits, guess I'm a man, but huh no, i also got those "feminine" traits soooo...?!? Oh yeah im both neither and beyond. It pisses me off sometimes that non-binary genders are kind of an afterthought in many of those discussions. And im def not saying binary genders don't or shouldn't exist, but that discourse can really reinforce the existence of the gender binary, and plain n simple, FCK THAT. :)

[@mewmew6158]

I think of it in terms of that I wasn't like other people until I learned who I really was and found community (autistic afab), unlike those women who put down those who are different, unconventionally beautiful, or cruel to people who aren't naturally soft, women. This isn't about us, our feeling separate from others is a different experience entirely because it was coming from a totally different place. We wanted to feel safe as ourselves, they want other people to conform.

[@juno3281]

i was “not like other girls” in grade school but not in a cute way 😭 i wasn’t like the guys either, i was just weird in general. i noticed that my friends weren’t treated the same way as me, and i fr had no idea why. apparently i’m attractive so even though i was just as odd as my friends, i was excused cause i was nice to look at. it was a weird experience that made me real aware of how people saw me, i can’t even explain it i just hated when anyone who looked popular tried to talk to me. i’m a protective person so knowing my friends were always ignored or excluded made me a very mean bitch 💀 i’ve cooled down but since i’m in college now i experience a different kind of treatment. specifically from men, mfs think i’m an idiot. ooooooooo it makes me so mad cause the one thing i’m confident in is my intelligence. one of my lab members called me bossy, but we were handling corrosive chemicals and i wasn’t trying to create a biohazard bc a mf couldn’t read directions. halfway into the semester those stupid idiots were texting me at 11:30 talking about they don’t understand the lab report equations 😐 i wouldn’t have had a problem helping them but they treated me like a child bc i was pretty and a woman. every semester i have to deal with those kinds of mfs, i still haven’t met one who who knew more than me.

[@Moomoo0013]

Oof I feel all of that, and 100% get you. I had a similar experience growing up (seemed to be treated differently, but was ignored by some and complimented- either on intelligence, skill or appearance by others, but mostly ignored). Feeling overlooked by others prompted my resentment towards others, especially women/ girls who subscribed to the trends/ other behaviors/ appearances that were socially recognized as “feminine” and therefore “woman/girl”. I remember even telling my sister that “I’m not like other girls” and she just rolled her eyes. I genuinely believed that. But it took me until recently to recognize that we all are way more similar than we realize (even if we approach life differently). Btw, I’m a chem major in college rn and I’m so srry that happened to you! People truly can be superficial and devalue you right off the bat based on appearance. Pretty privilege I think is real, but I think that men especially think they have a right to write you off as just a pretty thing and useless in everything else. I pride myself in my intelligence as well and there’s nothing worse than when someone assumes less of your capabilities as a human because you’re gorgeous (or whatever). Literally no logical correlation.

[@creepersonspeed5490]

Just a tip: block & ignore! It's hard but you need to set boundaries on how they treat you

[@LangkeeLongkee]

Girl I'm a psych major, female dominated science field, and the men are still like this, it's insane.

[@juno3281]

@@creepersonspeed5490 girl i can’t block my lab members 💀 i have to work with these ppl irl for a grade lmao life just be like that sometimes

[@juno3281]

@@Moomoo0013 ooo my mom experienced the same thing, and still does now, one dude even got fired for continually harassing her. i’ve met her colleagues before, and one of them said to me “wow you’re a lot smarter than you look, guess you take after your mother” 💀 i almost punched a mf that day i was so pissed lmao-

[@jheanie6812]

I went through this phase early high school! I was always closer to guys than to girls, and they would tell me all the time that I was different from the other girls they knew. I didn't diss them, but I really didn't find many girls who shared my interests that early. I grew out of it naturally (thank god) and nowadays I'm super interested in fashion, pink, and doing generally feminine things. I didn't even lose my ability to make friends and regularly enjoy chatting with my girls cause there are just some things you can't talk about with guys as easy. It's interesting looking back on my behaviour and realizing I just wanted to be accepted and respected as is, but somehow, it couldn't happen without being compared to other women.

[@artis_1001]

The legendary friendship of the pick me girl and the tomboy. Very sapphic and complex. Yet very real and common. Never lasts but always remembered.

[@NoicesVoicesAfrica]

I am so glad I’m over that stage of Pick Me! I feel so ridiculous looking back but at the same time I am grateful that I acted like that when I was young and not now as a grown ass woman! Great video!

[@daisykitiibwa1211]

You and me both😂. I cringe so hard thinking back but hey...that girl was just doing her best to get me to where I am now 🎉

[@EayuProuxm]

We're getting 'Khadija on the Streets' again! Always good times when Khadija talks to people irl

[@ynottony105]

Hello! Incredible vid as always. Fellow montrealer here, i speak our frenglish. Here's a quick translation for anyone who wants it: 26:34 He doesn't try to go see girls and chat them up with some cringe stuff, but [...] in everything he does he seeks confirmation, he wants people to tell him what he wants to hear. 30:25 The problem, the correlation between being feminist and pick me, maybe if you're a pick me you display... [Rest is in English]

[@katyalambo]

Beat me to it 😂

[@quirkyviper]

Blessings! Thank you! That's really interesting, too!

[@jessicafrisbie2079]

Went through this phase in middle school where I despised the color pink for some reason and anything’s having to do with makeup and styling my hair, etc. Now I’m in my 20’s and while I don’t wear makeup much, I very much like the color pink and no longer keep my hair short as can be.

[@fatmata.binta.b]

In the words of Fannie Lou Hamer “We have a long fight and this fight is not mine alone, but you are not free whether you are white or black, until I am free.”

[@RitualCat]

I just have to say that it makes me SO happy that you live in Montréal, I just love when Quebec is shown. People tend to forget that we speak French and it’s nice to be represented Awesome video as always❤

[@sontaranmc2109]

Happy you went in on the "anti pick-me" wave at the end! This isn't exactly the same, but I do remember the pick-me predecessor, the Not Like Other Girls trend and the trend of making fun of those people, and I particularly remember how toxic it ended up turning. Like, I'm an alt girl through and through, always have been. And just as core to my being, I'm very much a feminist, and I do *not* put other girls down for being girls. And let me tell you, there was a period of *so* many people accusing me, directly or indirectly through my aesthetics and communities, of Internalized Misogyny and being Not Like Other Girls, because once it became trendy it just became a way of harassing girls who weren't traditionally feminine enough. So while I'm not the target group for the current wave of backlash Pick Me Girls are getting, I definitely think it's worth being careful of how people are looking at and policing any woman's behavior, even if it's for a theoretically feminist cause. Somewhat similarly, I don't really... know how to feel about the name. I just fundamentally disagree with the implication of Pick Me Girls only seeking male approval, because honestly, if you look in those circles, the clout they seem to revel in the most is from other women. So like... sure, they're doing this "for men" I guess, but they only seem to want men in the first place, for women. It's kinda like how these alpha male types a la Andrew Tate fans always obsess over being high value to get a high value woman, when it's actually pretty transparent they're doing this for the sake of impressing other men considering how disgusted women are by it. Really, it comes down to the fact that men are not the patriarchy, and the patriarchy is not men. Both of those groups are seeking patriarchal power and dominance, and doing that by trying to obsessively act a certain way they think the patriarchy demands of them. Blaming "craving male validation" for it feels vaguely similar to the TERFy ass political lesbianism type shit that I try and steer very, very clear of.

[@fooloo993]

Interesting take with that Andrew Tate/alpha male comparison!

[@sontaranmc2109]

@@fooloo993 I really do think they’re just the girl equivalent, TBH. Both groups obsess over aggressively performing a conservative gender role and talk about being “high value” for doing it. With how often both groups talk about being high value / getting a high value partner, you know there’s gotta be some shit in common.

[@fooloo993]

@@sontaranmc2109 i meant that genuinely :) I hadn't thought of the equivalencies that way before. It's interesting and makes sense. Edit: A big, important difference being that men on the whole likely aren't that affected by pick mes, but both pick mes and alpha males can negatively affect women on the whole

[@awesomeyeahroxs]

wait how is it "TERFy ass political lesbianism" related?

[@niellepuffs]

I looked up Goncharov because of your poster and it taught me that I'm not nearly as terminally online as I imagine myself and has had me laughing for an hour. Also, the video was delightful! Thank you! 😂

[@iguana6513]

The "being called a pick me and not understanding why" to "oh I was autistic and ended up connecting more with men because of my overlapping interests & the patriarchy creates a lot of unspoken social division between women that autistic people aren't clued in to so every time I became friends with a female the friendship would end and I never understood why (conservative city style)(I think they also got the vibe I was gay)(I was)" pipeline is so real 🥲 jokes but a LOT of afab people went through the "not like other girls" phase but it ended up they actually were not like neurotypical people & unprocessed misogyny misplaced that feeling. Thanks for this video, first one I've seen by you and it was an instant sub for me!!

[@hannahshark8080]

Remember to be kind to the pick-me's, as a recovering pick-me-girl. It's often deeply rooted in insecurity and a desire to be loved and appreciated.

[@existentialpotato]

THIS!! so many of us go through this, and it’s easy to laugh and cringe from the outside, but we need to have empathy. the “i’m not a pick-me” has brought a new layer to this. we’re kind of at “i’m not like other girls who are not like others girls” and it’s like,, can women win ONCE?? i feel like we can tear down gender roles and critique the hell out of girls who insist on upholding the patriarchy while also seeing them as victims of the system who deserve better, just like other women. i actually wrote something for a class in university about how i still find myself wanting to be seen by men as equal and therefore distinguish myself from other women, despite being a “man-hating” lesbian (i put “man-hating” in quotes because it’s complicated lol) who feels uncomfortable and unsafe with men in general. god, i love women. i love women so much. and i love femininity. but i’m still afraid of claiming it for myself. i just realised about a year ago that the colour pink fucking slaps. i wanna go write an essay about this lol. but from one ex pick-me to another, let’s keep trying to deprogram ourselves and embrace our relationships to womanhood, whatever those may be. wishing you a happy life of being just like other girls (aka amazing) 💗

[@robinm1331]

I always had problems with the "not like other girls" trope because so many women were MADE to feel like they were "not like other girls." Especially if we were queer and didnt yet know it. Or bullied primarily by other girls. Which isnt to say that the way that expressed wasn't distructive- women tearing down other women to set themselves on a pedestal is toxic and self defeating af... but at the same time I feel like neither this behavior nor the initial alienation of the "not like other girls" girl was the focus of critiques at the time. Instead they were just another group of women to judge and deminish. Which, like, seems inescapable no matter what kind of woman a person is.