Psychologist On How To Forgive Yourself When You Were Too Late To Save Your Relationship | Breakups

[@keythirteen]

I’ve been beating myself up for the past 8 months going over and over the mistakes I made. The ones I knew were problems during the relationship but didn’t understand why I was having them or how to fix them. I learned so much after the fact that I could see how many problems could be solvable, but needed to be addressed by two people willing to do the work. Being able to have words and ways to combat these deep feelings of failure I’ve been experiencing is such a big help. It’s great to know I’m not alone. Thank you. I just want to go back to living my life without feeling like every day is a punishment for the pain I perceive I put us through.

[@marc.ivanov]

Hi @Keythirteen can you tell me what things did you do to combat those feelings? It's been 2 months since the breakup and the pain dimminishes, but It feels like depressive most of the times, I've never experienced this before. What are you doing then and what progression do you feel to this day? I Hope this helps too to other people, thank you!

[@clintonnagy1662]

Sorry to hear you are suffering. I wish I had the magic to fix everyone who carries emotional pain but that would be everyone in this world. A task only Jesus is qualified for. I can relate to your situation and pray for you.

[@DarkMagicGamer]

Same but for me it’s been about 3 months. I didn’t figured it all out till after the breakup on the issues that lead to it. All I can think about is her and how I f*** it all up. I never wanna be the person I was right before the breakup ever again. I know I’m better than that.

[@HotRodHarley06]

I was too late to save her from the trauma inflicted on her before I met her that led to our demise.

[@CurtisMoe]

Oh man. That hurts. I feel the same. Wish I had a time machine. She is a sweet and tender soul. 😭

[@fabricecardon4165]

this. I wish I could go back in time and stop the morons that hurt her. the most hurtful is learning feom peers that she was overwhelmed by messages from her family telling her to leave me, the same family that hurt her in the beginning and which she ran to just after the break up. it’s just like she flipped a switch in her head, went 40 years back, forgot I exist and went on from there with what she knew at that time. don’t know if this makes sense, hard to explain

[@jmanpecka]

Literally going through the same thing right now. Ten years down the drain, largely due to previous unresolved trauma that I've been entirely open to help with the whole time. Shit sucks.

[@CadePlaisance]

That is such a profound statement. You're right.

[@Alassandros]

Damn. Did I write this? Jesus this is way too relatable. She left me because of her past trauma and she refused to start her healing journey with therapy. I encouraged it for years but she was always too afraid and opted to avoid or ignore her needs. When life got too much for us, she went full avoidant and ran away. I was completely blindsided.

[@joseamaya697]

Really needed this video! Going through a break up 6months in and still grieving the relationship. Blamed myself for the break up but in reality we both did the best we could at the time. I’ve been doing therapy and watching a lot of your videos. I’ve been going through the healing journey and it’s a roller coaster I tell ya but I know I’m growing. I can tell by my shame and negative thoughts getting smaller and smaller. Thank you so much for your videos!❤

[@Westralia]

Thank You Maika-I have been following you for a while. It's hard coming to terms after a 20-year marriage with an avoidant and not able to see my only daughter. This video is helping me heal.

[@SchruteFarmsCEO]

This couldn’t have come at a more important time for me. Thank you for creating this video. It resonates with me and speaks to the parts of me that needed to hear this after a painful break up of my own.

[@darkmark68]

I've watched several of your videos now and I want to commend you on your content. Deep compassion resonates clearly throughout your delivery. You've been a godsend and I am staying tuned.

[@oliviaaguilar7571]

This is CRAZY specific but something I needed to hear and remember.

[@noah1502]

this is exactly how i feel, thank you for the video

[@remingtonsurti]

Just want to heartily Thank you Dr. Maika for all your efforts, you have no idea how much you have helped me practice proper healing🙏🏻

[@andreashulten2161]

This is really helpfull! Thanks dear Maika.

[@Razz5k]

Thank you i needed to hear this so much. 😞

[@Grimmvolvo]

I figured out what I was doing wrong and what I could do about it too late...I simply ran out of runway. Harsh reality, but I know what has to happen for a healthy relationship to work...and I have work to do to fix myself and be a proper version of myself so that someday, maybe, I will be the one someone needs.

[@spin_kick]

This is me. I'm trying.

[@Introverted100]

Thanks for this video. You reminded me of important things that I had forgotten.

[@Sarah-mi2rv]

Dr Maika, thank you for your videos. Your presence, wisdom, and compassion helps me feel more calm, clear, and grounded with whatever I'm feeling or dealing with at the time of watching. It's been a real support to me in the last several months since I discovered your channel. Thank you so much for creating videos with care for us. I really appreciate you, and hope the Universe reflects back to you the goodness that you offer the world.

[@KiowaWillshaw]

Thank you. Pity I didn't realise this before. You are great 👍

[@jeffcauthen6434]

Thank you. Been doing this to myself for 2 years.

[@NathOnGames]

Gosh this couldn't have come at a more perfect time

[@flowreen7]

It's like you're talking with me. Thank you, and also thank you for your recommendation of the Abandonment recovery workbook by Susan Anderson. ❤ Thank you again ❤

[@yanaisaeva279]

Thank you,I needed this video🙏🏼

[@idenshi51]

Thank you Dr Maíka for remembering my request. I believe this is it. You will help so many people too. Your mental, emotional and knowledge has boundless depth and am in awe with the delivery. I guess you nailed on the core of it all. Will be watching this a few times to make sure i get the full message. Also will work on the advices given. Thank you once again.

[@darkghoul4049]

Right on time once again 😂

[@ttrobertoproductions]

Please make a video on BPD! This video somewhat hits home for me. She split me and the emotional pain is extreme!! The agony from grief. I didn't know about BPD until after she left.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Yes, breakups from someone with BPD can be especially painful… Do you have specific questions/points you’d like to be addressed or answered in a video about BPD?

[@ttrobertoproductions]

@@DrMaikaSteinborn I don't even know where to begin. There should be more awareness about this. I did not know what was happening during the relationship and was very harsh on her. I learn about BPD in therapy. At the end she told me that she love me and did not want loose me. The day after was the opposite and I over reacted. That pushed her too far and I never heard from her again. Blocked me everywhere. The highs are amazing but the lows are unbearable. I could tell that when she was having an episode she was in distress and pain, but I was not aware of her condition and kept pushing her. I wanted her to stop with her alcoholism. After learning about BPD, I understand why she used alcohol to cope. I am very grateful for your content. It has help me out throughout these months.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

@@ttrobertoproductions Thanks for specifying, this helps! I've got the topic on my list of topic requests. I'm glad my content has been helping you these past months. All the best!

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

@@ttrobertoproductions by the way... if in the meantime you'd like to learn more about communicating with someone with BPD, I've got a video about that: kzbin.info/www/bejne/sJjLpmOhjtBkpck

[@user-ju6zx3rm8d]

@@DrMaikaSteinborn there definitely needs to be more BPD awareness. It is more common than people think, and it is devastating for the partners, especially when they are discarded

[@harshappie]

Not only did I make mistakes and for which I apologized a million times and took accountability but in the end when he left me because he cheated on me with someone else, I was blamed for every single thing for which I was not responsible for... And I was made a monster... He made himself a victim. And now it's only been two weeks since our break-up, I am devastated and keep blaming myself for everything. I don't feel like this burden is ever going to come down from my shoulders. This is the main reason why I'm not getting any hopes of moving on. I've been blamed and made to stay with the guilt forever. Please help doctor. It's getting difficult for me to survive each day.

[@Dominis.]

Notice 4 things. How they feel, how what you do makes them feel, how you feel about them, and how what they do makes you feel. If you examine this, you might notice that one or more of these is out of balance. That you ask yourself some questions more than others. This might give you some insight into where to shift your investment. This person cheated on you, and yet you feel guilty. I'd advise you to practice detachment. What that person does is not within the realm of your control. Learn to accept it and to let it go.

[@laff-qo3uw]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. As someone that went through the exact same things as you earlier this year all I can say is to try to be good to yourself. Remind yourself often that you're not at fault for everything. Also, try to keep yourself busy with something, a hobby, nature walks, whatever helps distract you from all of this. I know it may sound easy but trust me I know it's not. It has been months and I still have some bad days. Anyway, just my two cents and I hope it helps you. Stay strong!

[@smokingcrab2290]

This is exactly what my wife put me through except instead of cheating it was abandonment and weaponizing my some against me

[@nvrcist3355]

your videos are really amazing, i wish i could have a 1 on 1 with you

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

I offer 1:1 sessions - you can check my website for more infos…

[@bettylane1984]

A sincere thank you. The plants are beautiful. Hope all is well in the woman's life as well. She's a blessing

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

🙏🏻

[@bryanmccaffrey4385]

How timely. It's been two months. You are deacriving where I've been mentally since she left. I'm a psychology student, too. I did well in this material. Zero idea it was in me. Disorganized Attachment. I was fascinated by the research. Im autistic so human social skills is a special interest now. I get it now. I read the workbooks. I fully get it. Im finally seeing how ny autistic lens may correlate to distortions. My therapist tells me i oresent as someone who has been traumatized. It could not all have been me.

[@NP_93]

I miss you so much, Mary. I hope we can reconcile someday. I Love you..

[@elainehughes5]

it was me that actually ended it - i didnt want to - but felt i had no choice. i sensed over several months that he was distancing himself - but when i attempted to talk about it he would get defensive and say i was 'accusing' him. we had so many good loving aspects to this relationship and six months later Im still going over it every day & in pain. i felt like the first stage 'honeymoon period' was too rushed ( by him) & i lost myself during the process. it was like i was a disappointment to him later which battered my self esteem. trying to be kind to myself & recover. it hurts like hell

[@jessiesnake9801]

I so relate to the rushed honeymoon phase…he had planned our future, I bought in hook line and sinker … we were involved for 2 years….then he blindsided me and said he didn’t want “this” anymore because I was too emotional. I made mistakes but worked hard on myself but it was too late. Within two weeks of dumping me he told me he was dating someone else that he saw a future with. 😮 so now I realize I can’t continue blaming myself, he has his own problems. Monkey branching…he had previously ended a relationship and jumped in with me…a pattern that I realized too late because he said I was his soulmate…I have to carry some blame in hindsight…Lesson learned but incredibly painful because he led, I followed. Never again.

[@smokingcrab2290]

You blame yourself because 1. You care and you take responsibility. And 2. You've been gaslit by onlookers who haven't walked a day in your shoes to blame yourself

[@GeraldineAnathan]

I've worked with Dr. Maika one-on-one and have only the highest recommendations for working with her. A science-based approach to trauma.

[@DrMaikaSteinborn]

Thank you Jerry 🙏🏻☀️🙂

[@jo-annwenzell5722]

Husband still blaming self for breakup 50 years ago! Too bad no u tube back then!

[@113thAlpha]

😔😞

[@wenders5884]

This is really helpful. Thank you so much. I’m healing from a meaningful relationship that ending badly. I have hope.

[@toxicty6595]

Right before the holidays. 😢😰