PSYCHOTHERAPY - John Bowlby

[@xuanius]

These videos are liberating by letting me know the way I feel isn't reflective of some inborn character flaw called insecurity. I was also sent to a boarding school around age 3, taken care of by a nanny, and left home alone most of the time in elementary through high school, lived apart from my dad for most of the year from the ages of 7-13 and lived apart from my mom for most of the week from ages 13-18. Every time I start getting close to someone I immediately feel panicked because I think I'll lose them, by acting awkward or insecure, hence ensue vicious cycle. I always assumed most people experienced being apart from parents and I was weak for not growing up into a perfectly adjusted adult. Through self awareness I'm much more adjusted now but the automatic reaction that everyone who likes me will leave is still there. But now I don't let it break down my self esteem as much as I used to :)

[@tracesprite6078]

Your childhood sounded really difficult. You were strong to even survive such emotional deprivation. I hope that things are going better for you now.

[@IanTheEarlobe]

hey school of life, i love your videos but never change the guy thats talking, he's too good

[@Eunos_FD3S]

+IanTheEarlobe It's Alain de Botton, check out his videos and books, all amazing.

[@gregoriolobato3033]

+IanTheEarlobe yeah, thats right. He has that soft tone... whit a nice music. I always though that. Never change him please.

[@ShareefusMaximus]

I doubt that they will... It's HIS company.

[@hol-upLIL-bit]

IanTheEarlobe i wish they had a vietnamese instead.

[@sakurabeatific564]

Yeah, I stay with school of life, because I am drown to his voice and cadence.

[@HoneyBadgerify]

Loved watching this, one critique I have as I remember studying this quite extensively in a social psychology paper I did in my undergrad years, was that these attachment archetypes you described are a bit misleading to my ears. We were strongly encouraged to think of these as dimensions, high vs low attachment anxiety x high vs low attachment avoidance, whereby you end up with 4 main archetypes which sit at the ends of each dimension i.e. - high attachment anxiety and high avoidance (disorientated) - high attachment anxiety and low avoidance (clingy) - low attachment anxiety and high avoidance (detached) - low attachment anxiety and low avoidance (secure)

[@sixteenstringjack]

Yes, I think that's more useful. They are all spectrums, and we all sit along those lines, and where we sit is rarely completely rigid. That said, there are certainly people who seem to embody the styles archetypally as you say. Thanks for the stimulating comment!

[@rileyhammon9492]

Yes! People always forget to mention the fourth attachment style (technically discovered in 1986) which is listed first on your list. Disorganized or the fearful avoidant attachment style. Thank you for this comment.

[@Noah-pc6wq]

1:40 It must be such a nice feeling, knowing that you had managed to literally make the lives of so many children juuust that much better, that little less lonely

[@lidette711]

My therapist asked me to research this so she can help me understand my relationship with my long-time boyfriend and help me build a healthy mindset for our relationship. Thanks school of life! This video is easy to understand and the narrator's voice is so soothing. :) I'm now subscribed!

[@TommyApplecore]

I think I've known the truth of it since I was a child . but this is the first time in 50 years of adulthood that I've ever heard it stated in Plain English like this ... Thank you School of Life . what you're doing is the only thing philosophers are good for!

[@mecapoonslayer4245]

Honestly im glad we had another physiological analysis video hear you guys should relay create more of these. It just brings a new light on how to change the world outside of philosophy. Ither way you guys are awsome keep up the good work.

[@RobSmith2016]

I'd like to know about teenage rebellion against parents, particularly those from affluent backgrounds.

[@consciouspointers]

56 percent predominantly securely attached sounds like a somewhat/slightly generous number to me. I'm glad you mentioned that no one is 100% one type or the other, but that instead they can predominantly express one type and occasionally may express some traits of another type. For example you could on a practical level say that someone is securely attached 70% of the time depending on the situations and circumstances they face; while 30% of the time they lean, depending on different circumstances and situations, toward, let's say, avoidant attachment behaviour. Being conscious of your tendencies -- and what triggers them -- here is key. Self-awareness and being present to your tendencies would help you to adjust your behaviour in order to improve your relationships.

[@gregzeng]

+Gibran C Pointers. Some of us, myself included, know that self actualization is NOT repeating our childhood. Each of my 3 sisters forced myself to play their favorite childish games - "house", including baby dolls. People who self self select to try to emulate or better their damaged childhoods, imho, are mentally ill. Bowlby was unaware of the skills involved with child care. This century, we now know that every child carer, professionally trained or not, is damaging to the carees (children, in this case). Research is still needed. We know how ignorant and damaging carers are. The planet is overloaded with mentally crazy idiots imho.

[@finngrant234]

Great point op. The same way we are never 100% the same in any given situation, because lawfully there are no exactly identical situations in real life which may explain the allure of a video game like Super Mario where our actions can change but the game itself is entirely predictable = safety in that. So when you add in variables that can and do occur inevitably, a person's flexibility of thought is tested. That's why comfort zones are often held onto so tightly and left infrequently if someone has many negative life experiences.

[@claushellsing]

I do not know why all the beautiful and useful knowledge have been put aside this days!! Since i see a lot problems these days such causes are well explained!! what an bunch of arrogant a mediocre people are we becoming.

[@hanifchusnul2301]

I'm a really big fans of the channel. Still, I barely understand the narration. Please continue with providing the videos with transcript. It helps a lot.

[@ShearsOfAtropos]

this is very helpful stuff guys, thank you. I definitely see in myself what you described as anxious attachment. I've noticed before how crazy and insecure I get when I love someone, and I always feel ashamed later. my last partner and I couldn't understand each other at all and I always was feeling hurt by what I perceived to be coldness on his side. I can see now that his behaviour matched more or less the avoidant type, which might explain why our relationship desintegrated so quickly and so painfully.

[@Datdankboi]

I would like to extend deep gratitude to The School of Life for this kind of work. I recently broke up with my first girlfriend after an agonizing, year-long relationship of toxicity, jealousy and fights. I realize now that my anxious, manipulative and controlling behavior is something I desperately need for future relations' sake and my own personal happiness. Videos like this, as well as the lectures on mindfulness and meditation, have helped me understand why I thought and behaved so poorly, and how I can improve.

[@altruex]

I hope reading this a year from now that you''ve come a long way since this circumstances. I am proud of you for realizing and taking a step in become a more conscious individual regarding your own self-awareness. :) I just recently got out of a relationship too, and watching this does give a clarity to understanding how we are as individuals and making steps towards the betterment and self-awareness for future reference.

[@BandWagon1987]

I feel you, definitely. Been there.

[@Stoney-Jacksman]

BDP?

[@Olivia-W]

Congrats then! Admitting that and trying to change is already a big step forward. Changing is... well, hand in there! You'll make it!

[@dangeloelliot960]

i dont mean to be so offtopic but does anyone know a method to get back into an Instagram account..? I was stupid forgot the login password. I would love any tips you can give me.

[@kliselle]

this video is so relevant... i have anxious attachment and it's the worst!!

[@jessebcd]

The best attachment theory explanation I've heard

[@madeleinepaige]

Secure attachment is not rare. It's actually the most common, estimated at 65%.

[@chanceDdog2009]

Closer to 50% But even secure attachment people have their moments of a combination of other attachment models.

[@AugustasKunc]

Way to give both of yourselves away that you didn't see the last piece of info in the video. This I suspect as you don't adress those numbers in your comments.

[@frankiemossman7998]

So nice of Jack Whitehall to narrate a video on attachment.

[@mukamaslove1986]

Love this🙂I don't know about those statistics at the end especially when compared to the rate of divorce and people in unhappy relationships? I also think no one is securely attached, we can only work towards it.

[@stormthrush37]

3:35 6:08 At 56% I wouldn't exactly call securely attached the "rare ideal." (Pretty much the opposite in fact.) At least not in the UK, and I'd have to guess many other developed countries as well. Maybe worldwide and overall though...

[@Boneneoji]

Congratulations school of life your work is highly interesting and useful . Thanks for sharing

[@mogesimachango4820]

I have learn a lot from this short clip

[@markhughes7927]

Are you able to back-engineer from manifest words and tell us which category Plato was in? There is good reason for asking - deterministic explanations of this, the freudian, and the marxian kind smother imaginative vitality. It is not that they are mistaken it is that they are at most only half the story but taken for the whole. I think Victor Frankl’s ideas on therapy for all kinds of distressed mental conditions are very wholesome.

[@RayDu]

Thanks for the great work you've been doing! Will you ever make one on Bob Dylan?

[@hol-upLIL-bit]

It be awesome if you made a video of gabriel iglesias and his controbutions to comedy and psychology.

[@danceballetacro]

excellent video thanks!

[@indiespark]

Please raise your channels volume!

[@maxenesmith8397]

Hello, I thought the Attachment Styles originally were developed by Mary Ainsworth and not John Bowlby?

[@jgigas9834]

Knowledge is a whirlwind.

[@waldemarwidekind6365]

none of the commentors has done their research on the ratio of attatchmentstyles in the world, the video is lacking in accuracy as well. However I find the subject is still summed well.

[@andreaspolitakos7652]

What about Ainsworth ?????????? She coined the terms not Bowlby.

[@narrativemode]

Where was this video 10 years ago?! :/

[@rachelburgess8511]

sooo is a relationship between an anxious and an avoidant always doomed? Why would a secure person be okay with having an anxious or avoidant partner..

[@MirkWoot]

Why no Mary Ainsworth?, i am pretty sure it was her who looked into the attachment types, along with and after Bowlby...

[@christineherrington6100]

so good!

[@bakagajin9954]

Please do Viktor Frankl !

[@sixteenstringjack]

Yes!

[@courtneymccullough1264]

Very well done :)

[@rehmsmeyer]

Good video, but I have just one issue with it: *Securely Attached* does not exist in the natural world.

[@bolivar1789]

I do agree. I think those friends who are " Securely Attached" are in fact quite " Deludedly Attached". I am not judging it though. It seems that a certain amount of delusion is necessary if one wants to keep one's mental sanity:-)

[@__a_d_n_a_9314]

Does anyone know what the research paper is called? That identified the number of people in each attachment group in this video.

[@BunnyLang]

I love Attachment Theory, it explains so much--however--there is Not much research about Male Abandonment and Attachment, and how it affects our children. So one-sided.

[@yuezhichen7416]

Just an opinion... not necessarily be matched to all situations🤷‍♂️🤷

[@hdhuga6980]

Where do you get the percentage from?

[@francispena2818]

Number 3 mirrors batman and Catwoman... Just wanted to point that out...

[@akwaabab8504]

where does paternal care fit in? is boarding school the rich white version of residential schools?

[@mirovitch2000]

My ex was definitely an avoidant. ..lol

[@Conor3006]

pshycology transition work squad

[@mitchellgass4141]

Mother, did it need to be so high?

[@khalidalali186]

“Our deepest longing is to have stable satisfying relationships,” ah not really buddy.

[@nicolasceronm.1678]

#wearethe20%

[@ufoengines]

The big reason for this strife is no robo cars kzbin.info/www/bejne/fGPMg3ePo9-qqs0 .

[@jackdiddlysquat1402]

SLAP SLAP SLAP

[@CraziNarutoMan]

CLAP CLAP CLAP

[@lindsayr589]

all these people lived how long ago? and nothing in society has changed yet? smh

[@SlyF]

I'm in this video and I don't like it.

[@matthewjackson9615]

I can't place a lot of faith in psychotherapy or psychotherapist. They've cracked the mind ? Hardly. They haven't even gone beyond the surface.

[@zayanarif4211]

weird ahh video

[@edpatino59]

"Wouldn't send a dog to a boarding school at seven years old" J.B.

[@Danni6230]

Would love a video about Wittgenstein and Schopenhauer! Love this channel, it helps a lot

[@Nif3]

+1 for Wittgenstein!

[@rektchord]

Both of these chaps are covered in school of life. check the philosophy section

[@phophia]

Aren't the attachment types that begin around the 3:30 mark by Mary Ainsworth? She worked with him, but the exploration of attachment types are by her.

[@jonasdragendorf6467]

I agree with you. She explored them in her strange situation tests...

[@jeroenboom8]

Yes! Looks like they were careless here. Ugh I wish they would redo the video and give credit where it's due!

[@johnmiller7453]

Hey! Where were you when I was younger and could benefit from this information? Oh well, maybe next time around. lol

[@The_Daliban]

I really love your videos!thank you so much for ending on a good note and giving the viewer a positive motivating feeling.❤️

[@Rabbitthat]

Secure attachment - "rare ideal"? 1. It's the most common attachment style in the US and Ireland, I don't know about the UK. Results suggest over 50% of the world's population are securely attached. 2. It's characteristically old fashioned of you to call it "ideal" it's not better, it's cultural. It's not so common in Germany, and I don't think the Germans are more dysfunctional than the Americans. I don't know that though. Otherwise good video, Bowlby was cool. Research since has shown that kids with avoidant attachment styles have just as much anxiety as insecure attached kids, they just don't show it. Their little hearts beat like crazy when their parents are leaving, and they sweat profusely, but they have learned to hide it. Very sad.

[@gregzeng]

+Pata Fea German attachment ok? When the Roman Empire tried to deal with many parts of Europe, the natives were good fighting opposition. Long time (50 years) since I was forced to study the Latin language. Since then, my observation of German psychology agree with Bowlby. German and Chinese both have very dysfunctional parenting practices imho.

[@Rabbitthat]

That is your personal opinion and is heavily influenced by the culture in which you were raised. It works for them, our way works for us. but I also respect your view that one way is better than another, because maybe it is? I do't know.

[@Slechy_Lesh]

Weird thats what the video says, because then at the end words appear stating that over 50% are secure attachment types.

[@zabelicious]

I think a large part of this has to do with the parents level of anxiety and presence. It does rub off on the kid. If the parent is relaxed, whatever their parenting style is, then the kid will pick up on it. But I seriously doubt that over 50% of people are secure anywhere in the world - except remote indigenous populations maybe. That is not what I have observed in real life in Canada and elsewhere. The world we live in is more and more stressful and parents have difficulty coping... their attention is shifted to financial worries and basic survival stuff. That make for less and less secure attachment. anyone with an addiction issue has an attachment issue hidden underneath.

[@AmnesiaWins]

A political theory video about Thomas Paine is surely missing. Keep it up, you're doing great work!

[@MrMilkBR]

Can you people make one about Wilhelm Reich? I've been reading about him and it seams really intresting

[@salomonflamenco7162]

What about a series on writers?

[@mattaverall5565]

I second that!!!

[@morgengabe1]

Musicians too. Even Physicists! :)

[@lukemcneill4504]

Salomon Flamenco Literature is actually part of the curriculum, thankfully! The School of Life mentioned that it is going to be a few more months before the videos come out, but www.thebookoflife.org offers great pieces on Jane Austen, Leo Tolstoy, and Virginia Woolf!

[@morgengabe1]

***** Would be nice if you guys fulfilled plato's demand for better celebrities in general.

[@martinkryer1444]

morgengabe1 Actually wouldn't it be great if The School of Life made a series on celebrities, people who are famous for being famous? And by doing this, show us the cultural construct and the reason for their celebrity. Don't know if it could be made into an entire series, maybe a one shot, but would be funny :)

[@Portubed]

Wow that slip in the English subtitles right at the end (not the self-generated ones!): instead of "one's own rather eccentric behavior" it says "one's own mother's rather eccentric behavior"! Freud would have lots to say about it! :)

[@bolivar1789]

"Doubt thou the stars are fire; Doubt that the sun doth move; Doubt truth to be a liar; But never doubt I love." / Well, if Hamlet said this to me, I would surely say" thanks". I wouldn't doubt it on that one day if he says so. But I would also keep in mind that, you can never know what comes tomorrow. And I argue that this doesn't make me an " anxiously attached " type at all: There must be another category called:" Realistically attached". So you are not anxious all the time , neither you avoid the person you love in times of conflict. But you are very well aware of the fact that, that's really ANOTHER human being and you will NEVER really know him entirely. And therefore it is good to value everything one shares today, having in mind that it can all end up tomorrow and there is no need to be surprised. (Thanks a lot for this lesson! Until five minutes ago I knew nothing about Mr. Bowlby.)

[@Abdulmalik773]

Translate this nice video to Arabic language please

[@christophervandermeer182]

Top job, I'm deeply infatuated with this channel, many authors being added to the "must read" list.

[@deefman123]

Thank you!! This helped me a lot, through watching this i realised i have displayed a combination of anxious and avoident attachment, which have resulted in some painful relationships. I am more aware about my self these days and perhaps in a few years i might be ready for a secure attachment, but this has brought comfort.

[@PfEMP]

Same. I'm in the process of realising my default setting is anxious attachment, which when it gets too painful, I immediately shift to avoidant attachment. It's damaged many of my relationships. I wish I could find out why this is my attachment style because I can't remember. The earliest memory I have on this topic is already an overreaction to something innocuous so it must have happened before... I hope you have had the chance to grow in this area and are doing better nowadays. x

[@yuhanhe2583]

I found so many comforts in listening to Alain .

[@nichande]

Interesting that although psychoanalysis gets a regular thrashing by critics, popular concepts like this derived from psychoanalysis are with us. Just like introvert/extrovert.

[@kylepooley6355]

I would love to see you make a video on Wittgenstein! :) I love all your videos and they have largely helped me.

[@aminebenrejeb7523]

it was like watching a video about Shinji Ikari

[@JoseSantos]

***** He is a anime character with attachment issues en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shinji_Ikari

[@aminebenrejeb7523]

he's from the show Evangelion, basically the show that made me really interested in psychology and philosophy! I hope you guys will check it out

[@devongiguere3721]

***** It's an anime that shows lots of psychoanalytic and existential influences.

[@banama1758]

goddammit amine

[@izunahosaki6133]

agree so much owo i though about shinji ikari too!! but i heard the mangaka created shinji, asuka, and rei based on 3 different psychological reactions towards danger. shinji is the reaction of fleeing. rei to accept it as it is and just obey, and asuka to rebell and refuse domination. i think it's quite interesting! (sorry if my english is bad)

[@person-centredtherapy-timh9745]

You need to do a video on Carl Rogers (voted the most influential psychotherapist - by other therapists - in 2009).

[@batbilegbat-erdene4548]

Please do one video on Carl Rogers!

[@Viv8ldi]

Those different types of attachements are a addition to the basic theory of Bowlby with the secure, ambivalent, anxious avoidant, anxious unorganized types, is it not?

[@joelfry4982]

This was comforting. Thank you.

[@litshadow1]

How is it that I have learned more about myself from one video then years of self thought?

[@ravensthatflywiththenightm7319]

Subscribed.

[@akwaabab8504]

at the 2:37 mark is the only point throughout this entire video where the face of a Black person is shown! ...detached and helpless...remote and cold...SERIOULSY?????

[@WeatherGirlWares]

Are anxiously attached people more likely to be in Domestically Violent relationships?

[@nodiggity8746]

probably yes! violence is a gesture of great "interest" after all, even if it's unhealthy.

[@WeatherGirlWares]

That's interesting. Thank you for answering my question. :)

[@nodiggity8746]

no worries! :)

[@Slechy_Lesh]

Also it seems to me that the types of people who will engage in violence against women will suss out those that are anxiously attached or otherwise vulnerable

[@tekv2]

I can't believe Lacan is not explained in Psychotherapy.

[@Eunos_FD3S]

This video reminds me of the book "Facing Love Addiction" by Pia Mellody

[@jeroenboom8]

I like her. I think Pia's ideas are derivative of Bowlby and Ainsworth

[@Psybur]

LOL XD OMG, that 'golf part' picture was the BEST! XD It took me a few minutes to realize what was going on in those pictures.

[@animals42life8]

I don't understand why more than 50 percent is securely attached. And why there isn't securely avoidant or securely anxious (sounds funny though), know anxiously avoidant? Are they really secure in the sense of the word? Anyone?

[@BecomeConsciousNow]

I'm largely anxious attachment and avoidant attachment behaviour.

[@Leotique]

in german, there are 4 types of attachments, I wonder why ?

[@fenolimen]

I love your channel, It helps me so much in so many areas of life, thank you so much!

[@lisamarierice4772]

What happened to the fourth style, the disorganized type?

[@ziurnauj]

How about one on Carl Rogers, and Albert Ellis, and Fritz Perls? I was the Gloria sessions and they were all fascinating.

[@sixteenstringjack]

Totally, they are fascinating. The difference between Rogers and Perls is great to observe in action

[@silvij6152]

6:15 is it getting better or worse with the % in 2022 from that time of the result?

[@brushhead]

I'm classic anxious and it hurts a lot.

[@bschnitz5304]

Hi guys, what a great video!! Thank you for this. I'm currently doing an assignment regarding intimacy in adult attachment, I'm wondering what resources you used for this, if you wouldn't mind sharing? If you can remember?

[@theschooloflifetv]

We sadly haven't kept records; but nothing exotic or out of the ordinary! Good luck.

[@Dr.Smackadoo]

You just described my parents

[@devoandare576]

make a video about Lacan plx :D

[@devoandare576]

Lacan plxxxx

[@ingeliseolsen5284]

The voice over of this video need help...

[@rektchord]

I just like to add that with the correct understanding and in some cases therapy, you can achieve something called earned security. With the help of psychotherapy Anxious/Avoident attached people can develop a more balanced secure state.

[@JBuck-lu1st]

I'd love to see a video on Foucault. Love this channel!

[@JBuck-lu1st]

***** thanks

[@crturford8224]

this is a really clear introduction to Bowlby

[@sadiobayne1642]

The clearest I've ever heard.

[@truongcahanh8915]

“Secure attachement is the rare ideal...” That’s not true from what Mary Ainsworth’s Strange Situation experiment told us. At least 60% of children are securely attached and most of them do not change when they reached adulthood, although there are sometimes slight variations between cultures.

[@captainfalcon8615]

I think there are individuals that are purely anxious or avoidant, but in those extreme cases that usually result in the person being severely mentally ill and antisocial. Those that are so far to one end of the spectrum that they cannot function in society without conflict or failing to support themselves