Real talk: I'm sorry I'm like this

Perhaps a new series? Letting you all in on what's going on in my life.

[@arthriticwarrior5291]

I like the idea of making a video diary. Sending you lots of happy vibes. I can very much relate to grieving old friendships and feeling alone. I am certain things will get better for you and you won't be alone forever. You have come so far and achieved so much since the start of this journey, and you have so much good ahead of you on the rest of your journey. You've got this 👍💪Jodie

[@maddiejaneec]

I think I will start to make video diaries and share them - it does seem to help me. Thank you for the support, Jodie. Take care ❤️

[@debseyler2817]

I wish I could go with you. I TOTALLY would. You’re a total badass - you got over Ed, you can do this. You NEED to do it to get through these feelings. You need to show you that you are incredible.

[@maddiejaneec]

It would be fun to have company if I decide to do it haha. Thanks, Deb ❤️

[@whatsthestorymorningglory61]

I am sending you a big hug and lots of love and strength! You sound very exhausted! Have you considered another support animal, maybe a cute little pair of fluff? You might put them into a nice pet hotel whenever you want or have to travel? You should never underestimate the love and support pets provide to us. I wouldn’t be the person I am without my bunnies….

[@whatsthestorymorningglory61]

Oh, now you are getting to that exact same issue. Sorry…

[@maddiejaneec]

No worries. And I would be the first one to get a new pet but it's really just not a good time right now. Plus I want to travel for months at a time so it would be expensive and unfair to put a pet in a pet hotel. One day though!

[@debseyler2817]

We had a cat. We had to put her down last year. Her name was Tuna. She was magic. My son went with me to put her down. He was 5 when we got her. He was 18 when we had to put her down (he’s 19 now - going on 2) but he passed out in the parking lot when we left. It was horrible. I also HATE Sundays. You’re awesome Maddie. Exederm cream might help your elbows. It’s magic for my cracked dry hands.

[@maddiejaneec]

I'm sorry to hear about Tuna (what a great name). It's so hard losing a pet... Going to the pharmacy this afternoon so might try to find some Exederm! Take care, Deb!

[@alinatheresa702]

It’s so hard when friends start getting married and having kids. They rarely have time to do anything anymore! I think it’s hard to make friends as you get older. I’m in the same boat.

[@maddiejaneec]

It is definitely harder to make friends as you get older... Hopefully the right people will come around!

[@elesefrancis7768]

I love your passion about animals. I always enjoyed seeing Fig in your videos, I can understand the pain of losing him, I'm so sorry. I wondered if you have ever considered fostering? I currently am fostering a dog and it has been a great experience. I too have an eating disorder history and tried to recover over the past few years but currently struggling once again with previous habits and goals. After 40 years of this, I sometimes wonder if I will ever be free from some form of disordered eating. I have found that having a fur companion has been so helpful and having the unconditional love is something I haven't experienced in many years. I am alone in life - ED's have ruined all my relationships and have settled into being alone but having this loving soul in my world makes me feel not so isolated and alone. I'm in Victoria BC and shelters and rescues are overwhelmed with surrendered or abandoned animals, I'm sure you would be welcomed with open arms. Another benefit of fostering is everything is paid for so it wouldn't be an out of pocket expense for you. I love your real and honest videos, thank you for being so open.

[@maddiejaneec]

Hi Elese, thank you for your comment! It has been sad without Fig and I have thought about fostering and even looked into it to apply! Unfortunately, I don't meet some of the qualifications as I don't have a car or a room that they could be isolated in as my apartment is very small. I would really love to do it though but also don't really have the time with my work schedule. One day when I am in a bigger place I would love to! I would also really like to adopt both a dog and a cat one day but again, am not at a good place in my life to do that right now. I am sending you lots of love and support and hope you are doing okay ❤️

[@elesefrancis7768]

@@maddiejaneecThat's too bad your living set up disqualified you for fostering but also know they just want the best fit for both the pet and the foster. You're so self aware, you'll be able to fill your home with whatever animals you want when the timing is right for you. Whether you decide to do Everest base camp, other travel, or just settle in to where you are, I hope you realize how amazing you are doing with your recovery, career, loss of Fig and just trying to manage day to day life. I agree with you - it's hard! Look forward to all your videos, take care ❤.

[@burnelllundgren5650]

Scuba diving with sharks would be so cool

[@maddiejaneec]

I've actually been diving with sharks several times! Bull sharks, reef sharks and nurse sharks but never Tiger sharks ;)

[@emilyetchegary2322]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I just want to say how much I appreciate you coming on here & talking about this stuff.. I'm 25 too & have struggled so much this past year with feeling alone (to the point of resorting back to old ED behaviors and ultimately relapsing for the first time in 7 years). I feel like they should really start warning people before they graduate university to expect this super lonely quarter-life spiral because man was I unprepared lmao. Honestly I wish we lived closer bc I've been watching your vids for a while now & we are painfully similar 😂Just know you're not alone in this & if you ever want a long-distance friend from CT you've got one 🙂🤍

[@maddiejaneec]

Thanks, Emily, I appreciate it. I feel like 25 is such a weird age because so many people are at such different points in their life. I totally agree that they should tell people ahead of time how rough these years can be.. Thanks for the comment and keep staying strong! ❤️

[@leslihouseman1021]

I will be your far away friend. I cry all the time, also for reasons that seem mundane. I feel the same way, too often.

[@maddiejaneec]

aww thank you ❤️ I think crying is a good way to let emotions out. I probably cry once a day haha

[@kecrn4132]

Maddie…. I sadly soooooo understand the feelings alone. I feel like I have so few friends now and I spend ridiculous amounts of time alone. I’ve struggled with a few things, ED, criminal trial (I’m not the criminal), a lot of medical issues and the death of my Dad. So many friends say it’s too hard on them to be around me etc. I’m off work because of needing surgeries so I’m lacking that part too. It really sucks. I so hear you, Maddie and am sending huge 🫂 and strength and love and support.❤❤❤

[@maddiejaneec]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through such a rough time and I am sending you lots of love and support as well! Hopefully we can both manage to find some friends that help us feel better and supported. ❤️

[@emvardz]

i totally feel you with the "missing having friends" thing. i feel exactly the same, and its so lonely. ive been watching a lot of your videos lately, i think we'd be friends if we lived closer. cheer up doll, this too shall pass...?

[@maddiejaneec]

Thank you for the comment ❤️ I also like to remind myself that "this too shall pass". We have all been through rough times before and made it out alive so we can do it again!

[@NZKiwi87]

Hello friend, I’m sorry to see you were having a sad time. I hope you’re feeling a bit better by now. Couple of things came to mind as I listened to this video. I’m glad you mentioned the word grieving because it makes perfect sense for you to be grieving, the loss of dearest Fig is still very fresh. And grieving is difficult in itself, let alone when you are experiencing a lonely growth point in life. Because it sounds (to me, a random on the internet so feel free to completely ignore any advice 😂) like you are feeling lonely, rather than having an issue with being alone. And that would make *sense* because Fig was your friend, a really great friend, the way the only animals can be. On that note - in the same way that you are literally refeeding your body to nourish it, it sounds like your soul could do with feeding as well. You know what tickles you and what makes you smile. Walks in nature, croissant‘s - do you like creating art? Are you practising yoga regularly? Do you meditate? And finally I hope I’m not being too personal but I was thinking hormones. Even though you don’t have your period back your body will still be going through hormonal changes, try to be gentle with her when you’re feeling particularly weepy - your hormonal system is also in a process of healing x Sending love from New Zealand, hope you have a fantastic week!

[@maddiejaneec]

Hello and thank you for your comment ❤️ You are right about me feeling lonely rather than having an issue with being alone. I honestly love being alone most of the time but it's when I wish I can company that I get upset. I should get a croissant soon! I haven't had one in a while! Since I moved, I am not very close to any great croissant places but maybe I should find one for a weekend treat! I am still practicing yoga but not meditation as much - I should get back into it. You are also right about my hormones, maybe I was just having a bad week lol. Sending love back to you and I hope you have a great week as well!

[@suetomlinson7942]

Have you thought of starting a small group online to meet and hike or bike, etc? In an area where there are other people. Be safe. How about dog walking for the local dog pound, etc. It does help to talk. And we enjoy your vlogs. Your honesty. Try Vaseline on your elbows at night.

[@maddiejaneec]

Starting a small group online is a great idea! Although, I would be more inclines to join one as opposed to starting one myself. Dog walking is a nice idea as well but to be honest, I really don't have much time! And I would be too scared of falling in love with the dogs and wanting to bring them all home 😂 I will try Vaseline, thank you!

[@noel8537]

It’s ok to be upset about friend things. I’ve been there before. Aaaaaah I wish we lived near each other!!! I would love to get coffee with you!!! I know how hard it is to keep going with recovery when things get crappy, but you have to keep going. Maybe treat yourself to something yummy??? Just remember that you aren’t alone. I know it seems like it sometimes, but you’re not alone. Big hugs to you from Minnesota ❤️

[@maddiejaneec]

Thank you for the comment ❤️ I would love to get coffee with you! Tonight I actually have some chocolate hazelnut cake so I will be thoroughly enjoying that :) Hugs back to you!

[@zachc8706]

Also, see if you can find the series called Departures. It's about two Canadian friends who drop everything for a year and travel all over the world! There are three seasons and go to some very, very cool places. And it's very well edited and the music is cool.

[@maddiejaneec]

Ooooh I will have to check it out! Thank you!

[@Jennifer-lm7lz]

Hi Maddie, Elbows- try sudocrem (grey tub with white and red label- its more commonly know as nappy/diaper cream in the uk) Do both- don’t think about it as a yearly thing, think of it as your 24 month plan This summer I went to Nepal, and I am now a yoga teacher… The start of this was my therapist, but it was also because of you and your video about yoga. At some point I am definitely going back to hike (really want to do the Annapurna circuit) one day. You can do it way cheaper than what you are saying, and safely including all tipping- it is lots of organising though. Also I can think of a million things to suggest regarding how you are feeling… it is so much easier to suggest ideas to you, than believe them myself. I definitely need to be more courageous and not avoid the things that intimidate me/convince myself I don’t need/have time to do what I want.

[@maddiejaneec]

Jennifer, thank you for the comment and advice! Being trained as a yoga teacher in Nepal sounds amazing! I got my training in Thailand and loved it! Such a great thing to have for your own practice. I would also love to do the Annapurna circuit. Everything just looks so beautiful in that area! I think I will go with a group if I end up doing the hike solo. But If I find someone to do it with then maybe on my own without a group. It also does seem so much easier to suggest things to others to help but hard to use our words on ourselves. I appreciate the support ❤️

[@alinatheresa702]

I mentioned this in your other video, but I really think you should join a hiking group! I just went on a 10 mile hike today with a group. I would not have had a friend to do this hike with. If you join a hiking group, you can possibly meet someone else who is also interested in Everest base camp.

[@maddiejaneec]

I have looked into some hiking groups but there really aren't many around Toronto - not the best location for outdoor activities. But I will keep looking!

[@alinatheresa702]

All of the hiking groups that I have joined are through the “Meetup” website. Not sure if they have that in Canada, but you could check if you have not already. I also have issues finding people to do things with. So I definitely understand where you’re coming from. Hang in there and just keep pushing forward. It’ll happen.

[@zachc8706]

I know exactly how you feel. A couple years ago, some of my important relationships ended...some via my destructive habits, and others because we moved on (i.e. they became married, etc.). The realisation that I was all alone took me to a very dark place. Also, for your elbow. I had something similar on my finger. Like it became really dry, and would crack and bleed. And some of the skin became flaky. Turns out it was athlete's foot. So maybe try some athlete's foot medication and see if it works.

[@maddiejaneec]

Hi Zach, thank you for the comment and advice. I will look into athletes foot as a possible reason for my dry elbows lol. I think it's okay to feel alone sometimes as long as we know that there are some people around when we really need help. I hope you have a good week!

[@suomynonaanonymous]

I love unedited vids! You don't look like a foot lol, you are naturally pretty. Do you have any sick days in addition to the 3 weeks vaca? I LITERALLY FEEL THE SAME WAY! I like my alone time and need it, but sometimes when I want to go for a walk or do something I wish I had someone to do it with me, someone to travel with, etc. I miss having friends like I did in high school. I see all the people I knew having kids and getting married. I don't have a best friend. I am so worried I'll never find that "best friend" partner everyone seems to find. I think part of it is my issue, I am afraid to let people get too close to me. As much as it sucks for us, it is nice to know I am not alone in this feeling. I think it would be cool to watch you do either!

[@maddiejaneec]

So glad you like the videos and I appreciate the compliment :) I do enjoy traveling solo but it does get lonely at times. It’s weird being an adult and not having friends around all the time like in school. You are definitely not alone in feeling that way. Thank you for the comment and I hope you have a good week! ❤️

[@LauraPalmerD]

You know you don't have to do Everest now. If it's truly a dream of yours, it doesn't have to be immediately now. It can be in 2 years or 5 years, if you feel more ready then. :) I hear you on loneliness. I feel similarly. I'm older than you, but I lost my friends when they got married and had children. I'm married to but I always prioritized my friends even while in a relationship. Joke on me, as soon as they got into a relationship, they stopped caring and as soon as they had kids they decided they didn't want to be friends with someone who is child-free. I traveled a lot alone for many years and lived as a nomad for 6 yrs (even while w/ my husband, in ldr) and really enjoyed it and miss it, but afraid to go alone w/ covid. What if something happens.

[@maddiejaneec]

Hi Laura, thank you for the comment :) I know Everest Base camp will always be there but I feel like I have the time and health to do it now. The only thing holding me back is the cost and my own fear. It’s a weird stage of life to be in because half my friends are still partying Friday nights and in school while the other half are married with their own houses! Hoping to find some friends soon! Have a good week!

[@dianneporter542]

Maddie I am so sorry you are feeling very sad. You are tired which is not helping your mood. I get how you don't want to do Everest alone, I wouldn't want to either. If you set up a Go Fund Me Page and donate some of the money to an ED charity, I don't think you need to feel guilty! Do you have any work colleagues that you could possibly form a friendship with outside of work? I would like very much to see you do Everest in favour of swimming with the sharks as we have already seen that. All of us here admire you so much, and you have done so well with your ED recovery, achieving this awesome job and moving into your first apartment alone. You have much of which to be proud!! Hopefully you felt better after a good night's sleep. And Rover is cute. Take care 💕

[@maddiejaneec]

Thanks for the support, Dianne ❤️ unfortunately, most of my coworkers live in Ottawa as that’s where our office is. I do think I will be doing Everest Base camp at some point, just not sure when. I hope you have a lovely week!

[@kecrn4132]

@@maddiejaneec well, Ottawa is a fantastic spot to come visit and get to know people!! If I had enough money, I’d go with you in a heartbeat

[@ACKRYL]

Step 1, eat well to gain enough energy for actually reaching mount everest - Step 2, put effort and take steps getting to know your friends better, both inside work/gym and outside (ask people you know to grab a coffee after gym or work or wherever you stumble upon people) Activities are key to build a stronger bond within a friendship... Perhaps an escape room :)) If step 2 didn't work out, try someone else or maybe hang out with a group of people who they know and get to know their friends, you'll likely stumble upon a couple of friends who you can go along with, maybe friends of theirs, etc, keep socialising and make multiple friends. - Step 3, wait a long time, perhaps even a year before you go on and ask the right friend(s) you made in step 2 to go to Everest. In the meantime, build up your friendship(s) by doing things out of your comfort zone, perhaps an adventure or 2. - Step 4, Ask them the right way the right time, if they decline, then ask someone else (hence why you have to make more than one friend, being surrounded within a group is necessary in order to find the right one). --- That's all I can provide tbh, I'm not the best with friendships but have noticed that I always stumble upon so many good friends through a group of people I don't know.

[@maddiejaneec]

You bring up some great ideas, thank you! I am definitely eating enough now but struggle with certain rules and avoiding higher calorie foods but I am working on it. I have enjoyed going to the gym as a way to meet people. Hopefully, with time, I will make some good friends there. Unfortunately, I work remotely as our office is in Ottawa so most of my colleagues live there but it's nice to chat online. To be totally honest, I will probably end up doing Everest Base Camp alone but with a group. I don't know if I want to wait for someone who may never come along. I have done most of my traveling alone and do enjoy meeting new people through groups. In fact, most of my friends (that live around the world) were made from me joining a larger traveling group alone. Who knows, maybe someone on the EBC trek will be from Canada! I appreciate the support and hope you have a good weekend!

[@emilybilbow4990]

Maddie… you are so young! You have your whole life ahead of you… I feel you are physically strong enough to climb Everest but mentally I think you need more time… your life path is different than anyone else’s… stop comparing!!! You are obviously still having ED thoughts… and you could use support, maybe someone to talk to… you seem to be focusing on food/diet because of the uncertainty of other things going on… i think a pet would be a huge positive influence in your life… and to that one animal even bigger, you may be saving its life!!! I can’t help but think that the physical pain of the trip to Everest is alluring to you??? I have a little theory: (I may be 100% wrong) Physical pain causes a distraction from other thoughts… it is too difficult to focus on other things… an eating disorder causes constant pain/discomfort that keeps one distracted from anything else… and that physical pain is reassurance you are doing it correctly… during recovery you get to a point where your body starts feeling healthy and you even feel good! You may feel guilty or like a failure… because that physical pain was an indication of your success as an anorexic??? So you are looking for something that would provide that pain and that distraction… you know that reverting back to ED behaviors would also be failing (although you seem to be confessing some of that as well) you need to be honest with yourself… Everest isn’t going anywhere… start making the world better one animal at a time by adopting one… you need not do something epic to make a positive change. Other than saying you climbed Everest… what would doing so accomplish for you? Probably not nearly as much as finding someone to talk to and adopting a pet???

[@maddiejaneec]

Hi Emily, thank you for the comment. I always appreciate your advice. I am still undecided about Everest base camp but feel as though it’s something I need to do. I like having a goal to work towards. It is something I have always dreamed about and motivated me to get better for a long portion of my dark ED days. I understand what you are saying about physical pain as a distraction and I do agree with you. Part of the reason I want to do the trek is to make me more appreciative of what I have at home, as well as the amazing photo opportunities, the chance to meet people from all over the world, the foods of a different culture and something amazing to write about. I would love to adopt a pet but also see myself traveling more long term in a few years and could never leave an animal behind. After three to five years at my current job, I plan on traveling for a year or two and can’t do that with a pet. One day in the future I am sure I will have many animals to take care of. Thank you for your support and take care ❤️

[@emilybilbow4990]

❤️❤️❤️ a lot can change in 3 years… especially if you’re thinking about starting a family… you may find that priorities change and sone things we think are very important now don’t seem so important… 😉😉😉

[@Elena-pq8yp]

I’m really sorry you’re having a difficult time but please realise that a) you are NOT alone!! b) you have no reason to apologise whatsoever for not doing Everest.. maybe now is just not the right time c) this might sound harsh but YOU have your life in your own hands.. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to be willing to make changes (and get comfortable with being uncomfortable!) if you want to reach your full potential which is only possible if you decide to fully recover 🙏🏼 it’s quite worrying to hear what you had for dinner.. please reach out and seek professional help ❤ maybe it’s time to take a proper break to focus on your recovery

[@maddiejaneec]

Hi Elena, thank you for your comment ❤️ I am still debating about the EBC Trek but feel as though it's something I need to do, I just need to make sure I have enough money 😂 I am still focusing on recovery but unfortunately can't step away from work right now. I feel as though I am in a good place but I know there is still work to be done. Thank you for the support!

[@Elena-pq8yp]

@@maddiejaneec it’s understandable that you can’t give up work and may in fact be a good thing (I always went backwards when I had too much time in my head) bc gives you a sense of purpose however that doesn’t mean you can’t ALSO prioritize your mental health like setting strict boundaries with work, seeing people, having a weekly therapy session (or however frequently you need), making sure you nourish (and keep challenging!) yourself sufficiently 💪🏼 you can do this, I believe in you!

[@דניאלרודבסקי]

If u travel to Israel come sit with me i really want to be your freind and give u a hug, ur so beautifull in and out, ur trully inspiering me, u will get all ur dreams come true!!!! I hope ull be happy, im ur freind❤️❤️❤️ i love u hun xoxo. Plz take care❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@maddiejaneec]

I would love to visit Israel and will let you all know if I so! Thank you for the comment ❤️

[@hollywalton9550]

Could you move back home to have extra money? I think you might also need some counseling because counseling is GOOD! Ps I love orange cats. Our neighbor has a doodle named Rover.

[@maddiejaneec]

Moving back home would definitely save me a ton of money but I really do enjoy my independence. Plus I have signed a year-long lease so I wouldn't be able to for while. I should also look into counselling. Thank you for the comment ❤️

[@kecrn4132]

And, can I suggest that possibly, it is not your body that is bothering you??? You are going through and dealing with so much right now and upset about valid things….I think it is those that are bothering you, but as our stupid heads do, they tell us our bodies are the issue to change our focus …..

[@maddiejaneec]

I do know that when I get upset or anxious I turn my attention to my body so you are right about it not being my body bothering me but everything else. Our heads can be so annoying sometimes...

[@prettywhenyouredrunk]

MJ, don't be sorry for being like this. What you are going through is totally normal. I swear, the couple of years after college and grad school are the hardest (even harder than high school), for all the reasons you have said: Friends move away, they get married, they start having kids, and I know exactly how you feel, feeling like the only one who is out there twirling around in right field chasing butterflies. I'm 42 and I still feel this way, I don't feel like an adult most days, I still feel like everyone around me is so put together and here I am thinking about CrossFit all day and trying to collect all of the Halloween Happy Meal pails from McDonalds. Like, what is wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? (whatever that is). I describe myself to people as an adult toddler. Little things make me happy, like snacks 😊 and day dreaming and talking about all the big plans I have for the future (like blowing all of my vacation time to go to Iceland for a month to photograph the Northern Lights and buying a fixer upper in Nashville and spending my winters down there working on the house and the rest of the year up here in Milwaukee). And going to Brazil to see Cristo Redentor and going to Machu Picchu.....We are Sagittarius's, we can't help but be like this. Try not to stress, keep being yourself, keep making big plans, it will all come together when its supposed to. (Also, there is nothing wrong with you) I'm in favor of Everest Base Camp over swimming with the sharks. We are going to get you there one way or another and its going to be amazing, and Everest isn't going anywhere (I'm pretty positive about that 😊 ) so don't put a timeframe on it, just keep it at the top of the list. Kitty and I send our love to you, Maddie. ❤

[@maddiejaneec]

Oh my god, I can totally relate to being an adult toddler lol. And definitely the need for adventure as Sagittarius. Snacks also make me happy :) I would love to visit all the places you listed as well! One of my top places is Angel Falls in Venezuela but that is a trip I wouldn’t want to do solo. You are right about Everest not going anywhere, but I feel like I am determined to do it - I can’t get it out of my head! Sending love back to you and Kitty ❤️ Have a wonderful week!

[@prettywhenyouredrunk]

@@maddiejaneec You'll be at base camp before you know it and you'll look back at this vlog and be like, why was I so worried I would never get here? ❤

[@maddiejaneec]

@@prettywhenyouredrunk very true! Time goes by too fast! Just need to decide if I want to spend everything I have on this lol

[@prettywhenyouredrunk]

@@maddiejaneec I think it’s worth every penny and every day of vacation, it’s a once in a lifetime trip (obviously I hope you’re able to go again in the future if you want to!), but, you will never look back and say “oh I totally regretted climbing to the base camp of Everest, that was a terrible idea”. You are legit going to be 1 of like 1% of the population on 🌍 who has done this.

[@maddiejaneec]

@@prettywhenyouredrunk you are right. I know I wouldn’t regret it but I will be super nervous leading you to it! Definitely a once in a lifetime opportunity… you are very persuasive 😉