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Recycling through re-use is the best kind of recycling there is. And so it is that I did a "bad thing". If anyone noticed, they never said a word.
After a fresh installation of Windows (probably 98SE, same as it was), I plan to use it mainly as a portable DVD player. Even if at nearly 2 inches thick (!!!) it stretches the definition of "portable" a bit.
Rather surprisingly, there is no onboard Ethernet. Thus far I haven't heard the system fan run, other than briefly during POST. The "woofer" could be little more than a passive radiator. I haven't tried to find out.